Chapter 21 Twenty, the infinite dimension

Twenty, the infinite dimension 204 Dr. F said to me: There may be some more direct reason for O's death, but whatever it is, it is not the root cause.She is by no means unable to think about it for a while, her desire to die has been around for a long time. "Are you still talking about the fish? The poisonous fish, aren't you?" "It's not just this. I'm afraid it's mainly because she has...a knot in her heart...a question that seems to have no answer." "what is the problem?" "It's very complicated. But if you want to say it's simple, it's very simple. It's a matter of difference."

"You mean the question the artist gave her in the last chapter?" I asked. "What's the last chapter?" Dr. F stroked his snow-white and crystal-clear hair, and looked at me inexplicably, "I don't know what the last chapter is, and besides, I don't know that artist either." By the way, I remembered that Dr. F had only seen painter Z briefly so far, and Z was sinking into deep confusion at that time and did not notice F.And I have a vague feeling that in this novel, I am afraid that it will be very difficult for them to have a chance to meet again. "Have you ever paid attention to bees? There are hundreds of bees in a group, but they are divided into three levels: worker bees, drones and queen bees. There is only one queen bee, there are a little more drones but only a few, and the rest are worker bees. All The work of the worker bees is the work of the worker bees, collecting honey, building nests, and defending against enemies. They are the ones who support the drones, the queen bee and the family, but the worker bees have the shortest life span and are the least valued. No one recognizes them, and they die If they die, new worker bees will replace them. But the queen bee cannot die, she is the most valued, and the best food is exclusive to her, because if the queen bee dies, the group of peaks will be finished. And the queen bee is born, Its only danger is to be executed by other fellows who may become queen bees. The fellows who may become queen bees must fight to the death as soon as they are born. Only one can survive, and the others must die.

"Is this O's problem?" "Almost. For example, do you think people should be equal?" "certainly." "Then, can you tell me when and where people were equal? ​​Can you tell me when and under what circumstances people can be equal, valued, respected, and loved the same? ?” "Equality is an ideal, you don't have to ask it to be true." "But don't you think it's funny if that can never be true? Don't you think there's something dubious about the propagandists of the ideal?" "This is Z's logic." "I don't know that painter," said F, "but I think that's why O died. She found such a rare fish long ago. I don't know when she went to the sea to find that fish. Maybe in O went to the sea to see the fish before it became a fish. But now I know that's all she was thinking about in that old garden..."

"What's up?" "die" 205 When I was writing the third chapter "Death Prologue", Mrs. F and I didn't know that Dr. F actually knew O, and had several conversations with O in that ancient garden.When Mrs. F talked endlessly about the female teacher and the painter, and about the scene of seeing O in the ancient garden, Dr. F didn't interrupt or even impatient, because what Dr. F was thinking about O His wife knew better. It was only in Chapter 18 that I learned that Dr. F not only travels between home and the hospital every day, but also sometimes goes to the ancient garden; at that time, the poet L found that he suddenly had a strong interest in ant colonies again.

But Dr. F did not know the painter. F didn't know O's occupation and address, but thought she lived not too far from the ancient garden. For a long time before leaving this world, O used to go to the ancient garden alone, always in the evening, when the sun was low and close to the western garden wall. O read there, sat silently, or thought about it, and left when it was dark. "She was always alone," said F. "Before she died, I always thought she was celibate." In the grove of poplars and cypresses, next to the ancient altar, female teacher O was once a frequent visitor there.It is a good place to enjoy the tranquility, with the fragrance of the old cypress trees floating evenly, and the strong smell of the fallen poplar leaves all over the ground, and it is rare that the noise of the city is retreated into the distance.

"The first time she entered the garden, I noticed her," F said. "how?" "She asked an old man who kept bees in the garden: What is this place? The old man keeps bees in the garden all year round, and his beehives are scattered everywhere in the garden, and he can harvest hundreds of kinds of nectar a year. catty……" "I mean, why did you only notice O?" F smiled and didn't answer. I know it's because during the writing night, in this book, O and N are very similar, and in my impression they are often confused, not to mention Dr. F, he can't help but notice this, but he avoids talking about it .

The garden is very large, with lush vegetation and several almost collapsed halls. There are various birds that come out in the morning and return at night. In summer, there are insects singing all night, and in winter, the pecking sound of woodpeckers is clearly distinguishable.At that time, the sun was very bright and red, and the garden was filled with its deep, steady and quiet light. O walked to the altar along the path and climbed up the steps. His figure was very long, and he fell on the stone steps. The crowd shouted and whirled over the altar.At that time, Dr. F was observing a bird's nest with a binoculars. The birds were busy building the nest, bringing in twigs and grass leaves to make the nest impeccable.It must be that O suddenly appeared in the field of view of the telescope——F thought it was N.

Doctor F became interested in birds again.His interests so far can at least draw a line: the structure and function of the brain - where is the soul, good or evil, joy or sorrow, all hidden in the grooves of the brain - artificial intelligence, and reproduction or reproduction - Relation of part to whole - Ant, migration of ant colony, war or desire of ant colony - Desire, "perpetual motion machine", and existence is infinite motion - Bee, rank of bee colony, thus involving the question of difference or equality - The intellect of birds, especially birds, cannot be ignored when they build their nests...

Dr. F's dissertation has not progressed so far. Although he has been writing, it seems that the more he writes, the farther he is from the end, and even from medicine.He's still not a professor or associate professor, not a director or associate director. Poet L sometimes laughs at Dr. F for not doing his job properly. Doctor F just thinks that the last person to laugh at him like this should be a poet. "L, why don't you understand? Every tree, every grass, every leaf, have you looked at them carefully? Their delicate and beautiful structure will definitely amaze you. There are also ants, birds Son, the swarm, have you ever noticed them? Their intelligence and spirituality are really bewildering. You have to guess that there is the most mysterious will in it, which is the common desire of the whole universe. Common desire, do you understand Maybe that is the unified field that Einstein was looking for...Magnetism, gravity, people are obsessed with all kinds of forces, why don't they pay attention to desire, what a great and magical force desire is, it is It's everywhere..."

L looked at F solemnly, and said for a long time: "I have always misunderstood you, your dreams are no less than anyone else's, your dreams have not diminished at all... But, but why do you put yourself So strict, so rigid, so rigid? Why don't you go to N? Why can't you go and see her?" F was stunned for a moment, and gave the poet an ambiguous answer: "Do you think you can find everything? Poet, if one day you can find something, as long as you touch it, it will disappear, and it will disappear." If you use it again, then you will know what the place of beauty is. Then your poems may be better written."

206 F saw O through the binoculars—he thought it was N, his head buzzed, and then he seemed to be taken away by some magic again, his legs couldn't move, and he stared blankly in the direction of the altar, Even my whole body was stiff, and I felt that the sun in the open space became redder and quieter every moment, and the shadow of the old cypress grew longer and longer. In the desolation, the swift screamed mournfully in the sky above the altar... It wasn't until O stepped down from the altar again, walked towards F, approached him, and slowly approached him that the magic seemed to subside - the doctor saw clearly that a strange woman was coming. "Is that your telescope?" O said to F. "It fell to the ground." Fortunately, it fell on the grass, and F picked it up to see that the lens was not broken. "Can I have a look?" "certainly." O raised the binoculars and looked at the garden in a circle for a long time. "Thank you. Are you a doctor?" "Oh? Why, did you seek medical treatment from me?" O shook his head and smiled: "Even your telescope smells like a hospital." F also smiled: "Really?" "What are you looking at with it?" "Oh, whatever, just take a look." F kept looking at O, and asked himself: Does N have a younger sister, or an older sister?Answering myself over and over again: No, no, N has no sister, she has neither sister nor sister, she has no brothers or sisters.But he couldn't help wanting to have a few more conversations with this strange woman—after all, even her voice resembled N's. "What about you? What book are you reading?" F took a book from O and flipped through it. It was about Buddhism and Taoism. "You won't be interested," O said with a sorry smile. "Doctors are all atheists, of course." "Not necessarily." "Really?" O's eyes lit up. "Well... for example: if you look carefully at the exquisite structure of the human body in various species, plants, animals, microorganisms, and people, you can hardly believe that it is an evolution by chance. So smart, reasonable, beautiful , interlocking and seamless, even if you deliberately design it, it is difficult for you to consider it so thoughtfully, beautifully, and harmoniously, and you can’t help but think, it is very likely that we are all creatures of higher wisdom.” "So what?" "What about what? What do you mean?" The sun was sinking on the western garden wall, and the garden was getting dark. O's eyes looked melancholy and bewildered in the boundless dusk. "Isn't there so much suffering?" she said. "There's so much misfortune, and misfortune breeds hatred," she said. "Do you think it is possible to save sentient beings?" she asked. She looked at the woods silently for a long time, her eyes were empty, as if there was no one else around.Then she suddenly said "Oh, I have to go back", as if she didn't notice that Dr. F was with her all the time, she turned and walked out of the garden gate. All of O's friends remember that in the last period of his life, O used a hundredfold devotion to practice Zen and enlightenment, meditate on profound thoughts, and look up to Buddhism. 207 For that innocent person, O had deeply blamed himself.Especially after marriage, when she feels extremely happy, she often thinks of that person, of his situation and mood at this moment, of the past, of some good times after all, and also of his bewildered attitude when she suddenly left him indifferent. The look of relief, remembering his disgraced eyes when she was determined to leave him, and the sound of his footsteps going downstairs alone that morning... Kindness?Is he not kind? O even re-imagined: Is it impossible for me to love him?But almost as soon as the thought arose, the answer was decided: no, not possible.As soon as the images of him and Z appeared at the same time, O knew that it was absolutely impossible. It was very clear and indisputable who she was leaning towards. At this moment, O understood even more: I have never been in love with him.What was it, what was the reason for that marriage?Maybe it was loneliness or despair, because at that time O's heart was dying, and that dying heart instinctively needed someone to comfort her, a man alone, to give her a little support, a little bit of support... But , when I don't need him anymore, I can't care about what will happen to him... This self-blame used to be dispelled and forgotten by silently blessing him, but now, when Z said "If you can love everyone equally, why did you leave your ex-husband and fall in love with me", forget it Everything in the past reappeared and struck violently, with no way to escape. Is it equal?Then why are you so hard to abandon this one, and so hard to pursue that one?value, isn't it?Otherwise what are you basing it on?What is your love and dislike based on?Or, from what? Why does Z attract me like this? Z's strength?witty?talent?Strange, unconventional?Manly temperament?Lonely but confident, hide your weakness and never complain?Even the natural wildness of lovemaking, the wild waves, even his conquests?Yeah?Yes, no, can't tell, that can't be told, it's just charm... But is he kind? —O made no answer.She froze, she didn't want to shake her head, but she couldn't nod. But no matter what it is, no matter how legitimate or even just your choice is (you love the strong over the cowardly, the beautiful over the ugly, the smart over the stupid, the sexy over the tired, Love the good and not the evil...), the trade-offs all mean differences, differences in value or price, not equality, definitely not equality!But how much people long to be loved, how much everyone and every heart needs love!Everyone is the same, how much they look forward to being loved!How to do it?You have to love, you have to be loved, you have to be cute, you can't be an idiot, you can't be a fool, you can't be an incompetent person or a person who can't be a person, you can't be at the weak end of the destined difference, so you just You must realize your value as Z said, even though you are shouting tired, tired, and how tired you are, you still have to realize your value——be up your spirits, bite the bullet, and face hardships and dangers Go show your worth.The stags display the majesty of their horns, and the male birds the beauty of their plumage.In human beings, it is called career, achievement, fame, talent, and masculinity. Of course, it is not to show off directly, but to express your character, appearance, demeanor, will, and wisdom in a roundabout way.You don't love an idiot, especially no one wants to be an idiot. There are things that people don't want to ask deeply, and people are more used to avoiding the questions in it, but everyone will be secretly glad that he is not that idiot. This reminds me of "traitor" again, and people's attitude towards a traitor, and the avoidance of the deep-seated problems. O probably asked F in that ancient garden: "Is that so, Doctor? Is that so?" What can F say?If he was the honest man I hoped for on writing night, and the wise man I counted on in that old garden, how could he answer O? F will definitely say: "Yes, this is the truth." He might also say, "So what else? Otherwise the species would degenerate, the human race would languish, and creation might stop. But fortunately there are doe, there are female birds, they show simplicity, tenderness and Love. Fortunately, there are women. They prove the importance of love. They call men back and bring value from the market and battlefield back to people's hearts. Both might and beauty are needed. The magnificence of the space created by men and the magnificence created by women The eternity of time is all that is needed, all that is demanded by the unquenchable desire of the universe." But if, O is the problem in that ancient garden, and O is the confusion I saw during the writing night, O must not be satisfied with such an answer. The poplar trees rattled in high places, and the old cypress trees shook off countless cypresses, which were buried in the soil, and the weeds grew wildly, with little flowers dotted—blue, purple, yellow, They are clustered and spread out, especially at the garden wall, blooming luxuriantly and thriving, as if they want to break through the wall and go through the wall, but finally can't... O asked: "But can people be equal? ​​People may all be equal. If you are respected, you will not be discriminated against, despised and abandoned? Doctor F, do you think you can?"... The ancient altar stretched out its huge shadow, the evening wind passed through the stone gate, the sound of evening birds chirped, and the stone pillars Pointing to the sky, leaving a last ray of light on the tip of the pillar... O asked: "Is it possible to save all living beings? Man, from ancient times to the present, what is the purpose of living so seriously?"... The sun has gone, and the moon has come quietly. The moon rises happily on the hazy altar, and the only thing to hear is the singing of insects in the wild grass... O asked: "This desire is walking and running excitedly, doctor, where are they going? Just to climb to Glory above disgrace, or disgrace below glory? Is it for these two places?"... Walking up to the altar, thousands of lights were lit up in the noisy city around, and O knew that it was not far away. In the building, the painter is waving his paintbrush again, and that feather again, conceited and even arrogant... Is Z waiting for her to come back? Z knows that she will definitely come back, and Z is very confident about it... O thinks: "But where is the other person? And how are other people living? How are glory and shame living?" , O muttered to himself on the desolate altar or in my heart: "But, everyone is a 100% world... But he won't think of him, he won't have such problems, never... ..." "What are you talking about? Who are you talking about?" F asked. O has already got off the altar, walked towards the gate of the garden, and walked into the lights of thousands of houses. That last sentence, I or Dr. F can only hear clearly after O's death: two him, one refers to her husband, and the other refers to her ex-husband.Or: one for honor and one for disgrace. 208 There are many qigong practitioners in that garden.In the beginning, there were just a few old people, silently breathing under the trees, or taking a leisurely stroll, looking forward to health, longevity, freedom and happiness.Later, the number of people increased, from a dozen to dozens, dozens to hundreds, scattered in the woods and grass, dancing, chanting and humming, and then gathered in groups at the altar. Sit or lie down on and around the altar, some bowed their heads and smiled, some beat their breasts and wailed, some looked up to the sky and sighed, and some shouted loudly... Legend has it that some people saw their dead relatives at that time, and some heard the words of ancient sages. Teaching, some people saw through the world of mortals at that moment and realized the Dao, some people flew out of their shells and traveled to the Paradise of Elysium or alien civilization in an instant... Some people went crazy and uttered some little-known secrets in crazy words. For a time, rumors of magic or weirdness were flying all over the city.On the bookstalls, books introducing qigong and supernatural powers, books about gods and monsters, and even great works by various miraculous doctors, newly edited proven prescriptions for prolonging life, and collections of spells for warding off disasters are very popular.Booksellers made a fortune, bought cars and villas. The "believers" feel itchy and can't sleep at night, wishing they could become immortals in one step.As a result, "masters" of various schools emerged one after another, setting up sermons and giving advice.There are so many ways to cultivate one's nature and one's life to escape from the sea of ​​suffering, so that within a few days, a newest exercise is released.The reporters were busy running around.The old, the weak, the sick and the disabled even rushed to tell each other as if seeing a savior.The incense in the temple was so prosperous that the old monk who had been lonely for many years was stunned, because all kinds of exercises were vying to be confused with Buddhism. Dr. F said: "However, Qigong does have its miraculous features, and it may open up a new path for modern medicine." The poet disagrees: "How magical? It can cure all diseases and live forever, isn't it?" "That's not true," F said, "but it does cure many intractable diseases that we can't." At that time, the poet L just came back from nowhere, and came to visit F in the garden. Dr. F said that there are still a few people with special abilities in that garden. F said that a person could put an iron ball into a glass bottle. The iron ball was obviously larger than the mouth of the bottle. He put it in easily and took it out again easily. The poet L couldn't stop laughing: "Brother, your research is about to produce results, and you will soon be able to get the title of a master of magic! I won't see you practicing juggling on the street next time I come back, right?" "I saw it with my own eyes," said Dr. F. calmly. L does not doubt F's honesty. "But the juggler has two bottles and two iron balls," L said. "But that iron ball in the bottle is mine," F said, "I filed an 'F' on it temporarily." L froze: "Really? That guy, how does he explain it?" "He said he didn't know what was going on." "What about you? What do you think?" "That happened in another time and space. I can only guess like this. The iron ball entered the bottle from another dimension. It's like you can easily move two-dimensional from the three-dimensional air. A thing in a plane, but if your observations are limited to a two-dimensional plane, of course you can't see what that is." "Do you mean another world, respectable and lovely doctor?" "To be precise, it is the existence of another dimension. Because the existence of that dimension is not completely separated from our world, it is the same world. The existence of another dimension, it is beside us, right in our Around, or among us, it’s just that we can never find it in our way of observation, and because we can’t find it, it exists in another dimension. A limited dimension, such as one-dimensional, two-dimensional, Three dimensions are all abstract. Think about it, if one dimension does not occupy area, it must be abstract, if two dimensions do not occupy space, and if three dimensions do not occupy time, they can only be abstract and cannot truly exist. A real existence must be multidimensional." "How many dimensions?" "Infinitely many. The infinite dimension." "Doctor, are you so cranky when you're not doing surgery?" "You must have seen a kind of fly trap, right? A cage made of gauze, with a tubular opening at the bottom, like a house, with a chimney on the roof, but the 'chimney' is not on the top but on the The bottom surface extends into the house instead of outside the house. One end of the 'tube' is connected to the gauze on the bottom surface, and the other end is opened in the cage. But it's a clever flytrap because the flies can get in there, but they can't get out." "Are you fond of flies again?" "Why can't it fly out, have you thought about it?" "I'm not a fly. Really." "Because, although it is in a three-dimensional space, it is also moving in three dimensions from our point of view, but it cannot feel the three-dimensionality itself. For it, the three-dimensionality is a mess or does not exist. From the perspective of flies, it has always been It is flying in a straight line. It can't connect the horizontal and vertical lines. It turns around and flies into the cage, but it doesn't know that it is the result of turning around, so let it turn around again. It was helpless when it flew out of the cage, so it could only fly in a straight line and bump into things... just like we came to this world inexplicably, and we couldn’t get out of this world by bumping into things.” "Where do you want to crash into?" "For example, outside the cage. We are also in a cage. For example, can we go out?" L was stunned, and the sneer on his face slowly disappeared.He must have thought of his unfinished long poem.We will all be reminded of the kind of paradise that L longed for, and the plight of the poet who he bumped into and failed to get out of. F said: "If you don't find another existence, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Just like a fly, it is in three dimensions but it doesn't know three dimensions, so it can't participate in three dimensions. For it, there is no three dimensions. , it can only bump around in two dimensions. Perhaps, as long as you change your way of thinking, you can immediately enter another existence.” F said again: "Looking at the fly that died, you are really worried about it. The way out is clearly in front of its eyes, but it just can't see it." L: "What about yours, have you seen it?" F smiled: "But it is probably right in front of our eyes, a common place, but we turn a blind eye." L: "I found it, please tell me too." F: "I'm afraid I can't tell you. I'm afraid it can only be found but not told." L: "So what do you think, what's outside? So what if you go out?" F does not answer. 209 "Even if it's heaven," O asked, "so what?" O has no interest in qigong or various exercises, and even more scoffs at the iron ball and the bottle. "If I don't see what's the point of living seventy years," O said to F, "I don't see the point of living a thousand years." "If some people can go to heaven, some people have to stay on earth, and some people have to go to hell," O said, "doctor, it's as if some people can climb to the place of glory, and some people have to stay in the place of mediocrity." , and others, let him suffer.” "What's so novel about this paradise? The gods must be fighting over there too, right?" "I didn't say it was heaven," F said, "I just said it was another existence, and there is an existence that we don't know about..." "New continents. 'Apollo' spacecraft. Armstrong's spacewalks. And 'black holes.' Doc?" "But it may be different from these, fundamentally different." "Is there a contradiction there? Is there a difference? Is there a consciousness? Unless there isn't." F looked at O, surprised by the way this woman thought. In this woman or in this garden, it seemed that there were always more questions than answers, and there was always more confusion than clarity. "But it might be possible," O said, "it might be possible to have nothing." "You mean..." F looked at O ​​worriedly, but didn't say a word in his heart. O smiled wryly and interrupted him: "Do you believe in heaven? Or it's called Pure Land, Paradise, do you believe in it?" "I don't know. Maybe it has nothing to do with 'sky' and 'earth', it's just a dream of man. Maybe it's not outside this world, but in our heart, in our hope. For example, love, Where could she be? Not in time and space, but in...another dimension..." O's eyes light up, and he looks at F.That look always reminds F of N. "But some people think it's conquest, in conquest," O's eyes darkened again, "I don't believe it, I really can't believe that he is right, but, but..." "Who?" Dr. F asked, "Who is the 'he' you mentioned?" O didn't answer, walked into the old cypress forest, and sat down in the misty rain with an umbrella on a long rock, unfolding the book in her hand, and the drizzle rustled on the top of her umbrella. F failed to hear who the "he" was again.Only after O left this world can F remember: that is O's deepest confusion, and that is the origin of O's desire to die. As Mrs. F said: The female teacher is always alone in the old cypress forest, always sitting under the dead old cypress tree.The grass there is deep and flourishing.There, the trees are very tall, with big crowns and dense leaves, but even so, it can still be seen that an old cypress tree is dead, and O often sits under the dead old cypress tree.As Mrs. F said: There is a light there at night, but the surrounding area is very dark, but the light draws a bright circle, and the female teacher will go there to sit for a while, read a book, or just stare in a rainy or snowy day.As Mrs. F said: No matter whether O is buried in a book or staring around, her eyes are always empty. There seem to be no altars, woods, weeds, or paths. There seemed to be no noise from the birds, or the tourists walking past her, neither the sun nor the moon. F often looks at her from afar and doesn't disturb her easily. F felt that when her eyes were empty, she was expecting another existence. F never expected that it would be death. As Mrs. F said: She has something on her mind. When F approached her for the last time, it was the first snow of that winter, and there were only two colors in the woods—white and black. F stood beside O, and saw that the open book on her lap was covered with snow—only white and not black. "What about heaven? In another existence, can there be no difference?" She looked up at F. F does not speak. "If what you said about multi-dimensionality is correct, existence is the dimension of infinity," O lowered his head again, "does it mean that every dimension is the same, and every link in a chain of infinity is the same, Is it this world where glory and humiliation have their own place? Purdue, where can I go?" F does not speak. "For example, diseases. Doctor, as a doctor, do you believe that all diseases can be cured?" "I think, no matter what the disease is, there should be a way to cure it in the future." "But the future is just the present of the future, just like the present is just the future of the past, and the present is just the past of the future. But people are always in the present, and the present always has incurable diseases. Can you imagine a present without diseases? Have you ever imagined an existence like that, without disease, without hardship, ugliness, cowardice, baseness, abandonment and contempt. Humiliation and hatred, loneliness and loneliness... In short, there is no difference, what would that be? Have you ever thought about it? Radical equality is What, have you thought about it?" "Yes, you are right." "That is to say, the world is the hell of heaven, the world is the heaven of hell, and both heaven and hell are the world... We are always the same everywhere, and the difference is the same. It depends on who is lucky and who To be able to draw a good hand... Love is but a theory, an illusion, and reality depends on who can be on the strong side of the difference." F said: "It's not good to sit here for a long time, you will get sick." "Maybe he was right, but I... really don't want him to be right, I really don't want to see him so proud and arrogant, because of him, I know... because he actually doesn't love anyone, he only loves his Art—not really, he only loves his nobility and...and...and conquest!" This was the last sentence F heard from O. Only then did he think about it, "he" might be her lover. When Doctor F left O, O was still sitting under the tree. F looked back at her from the garden gate. At this time, the snow was falling tightly and densely, the sky and the earth were vast, and there was a stillness like chaos.