1 From a very young age, I wanted to be an artist.The artist was wearing a corduroy jacket and had long hair. He squatted under the wall of the police station—there was a gray brick wall in the Lijiakou police station; cheek.Sometimes, the corduroy jacket he wears will also bulge, like a sheepskin raft crossing the Yellow River. At this time, he is fatter than usual.This incident left me with the impression that artists are something like pockets.The difference between him and a pocket is that when the pocket stumbles, you have to move it away with your hands; when an artist stumbles, you kick him, and he moves away by himself.In my memory, a yellow (this is the color of corduroy) ball is placed under a gray and translucent vertical plane (this is what the wall looks like), and this is my uncle.

You can see my uncle at the police station.The police station is a yard with gray bricks and white walls. There is a red light at the door, which is only turned on after dark.As soon as the people there saw me, they shouted: "Ah! The nephew of the great painter is here!" There was an atmosphere of coming home.At noon, the police were cooking cut noodles in the small room by the door, and the smell of the noodle soup made people feel very familiar.I can also see my brother-in-law in a nearby Dadi Cafe, which is always dark, with no electric lights but candles, so it is full of choking paraffin smell.Looking at people in a cafe, you can only see the lower half of the face, and these faces are all flushed, like some roast suckling pigs.He often traded with people there, and was often arrested there, charged with selling paintings without a license.My uncle often makes this kind of mistake, because he is a painter, but he doesn't have the necessary certificates for a painter.After being caught, someone needs to be taken.

There is a large area of ​​shops around the police station, which are big tile-roofed houses built in the 1950s.There were also two rows of small ginkgo trees on the sidewalk, and someone lit a fire under the trees to roast mutton kebabs, until the leaves were browned, and the scenery always looked like autumn; those trees died later.The place where he lived was not far from there, in a high-rise building with a set of houses--that building was square, very ugly, and the corridors were also dirty.No matter when you go - my uncle is always away, but he doesn't have to be. My uncle was an unlicensed painter, and unlike the others, he was always busy with other things.Sometimes he was painting; sometimes he was selling paintings, and because of that he was squatting in the police station.When he was painting, he locked the door and put on shockproof earmuffs, so that he could not hear people knocking on the door, and he would not answer the phone. He was alone facing the easel, like a madman.Because he lived on the fourteenth floor, no one could look in through the windows, so no one saw him painting, except for a thief.The thief climbed up from the balcony on the thirteenth floor, intending to steal something, and entered my uncle's living room. He was surprised when he saw his painting, came over to touch him and said, "Dude, what are you doing?"My uncle was fascinated by the painting, and whined and said: Don't hate it!I am drawing!The thief went to one side and squatted down to look at it for a while, then couldn't help but came over, took off the earmuff on my uncle's left side and said: Hey!Painting is not this way of painting!My uncle shoved him hard, pushed him to the ground, and continued to paint.The man squatted on the ground for a long time, wanting to talk to my uncle about how to paint, but he never had a chance, so he opened the door and walked away. He took my uncle's video camera and thousands of dollars, but left a Zhang Tiaozi solemnly warned my uncle that if he continued to paint like this, he would make mistakes. Although he himself stole things, he couldn't bear to see my uncle go astray.As a kind thief, he has always been concerned about the owner's moral cultivation.My uncle said that this piece was very emotional—he meant that it moved him.

Then one day, my uncle met the thief who stole from him in the police station: the two of them squatted side by side under the wall.According to my uncle, the thief was wearing a pair of corduroy loafers with little holes all over them.Another characteristic of this gentleman is a head of matted hair covered with sawdust.It turned out that he was a migrant worker on a construction site. Sometimes he was a carpenter, and sawdust was in his hair; sometimes he was a welder, and his shoes were scalded with many holes; He was arrested and taken to the police station.My uncle saw that he looked familiar, but he no longer remembered who he was.

The thief greeted him very affectionately: buddy, are you coming in too?My uncle was taken aback, thinking he was a colleague in the art world, so he agreed vaguely.Later the thief reminded him, "Don't remember?"The last time I went to your house to steal something?My uncle just remembered: Ah!Oh it's you! Good morning!The two chatted very cordially, but the more they chatted, the less cordial they became, and finally they fought; the reason was that the thief said that my uncle's mind was full of colored tofu dregs.If the police hadn't knocked my uncle on the back of the head, my uncle could have strangled the thief; because he still dared to say that my uncle had something wrong with his eyes.In fact, my uncle has exotropic eyes, so he became angry from embarrassment.The police were very sympathetic to the thief's artistic views, and would have released him with leniency if he hadn't repeatedly slipped through the door to pick the lock.Later, they used the money in my uncle's pocket to buy an ice cream for the thief, and let him sit on a chair to eat; they asked my uncle to squat underground to watch.It was very hot at that time, and my uncle was very hungry watching the thief eating cold food.

I often went to the police station to pick up my brother-in-law, and I often ran into the thief at the police station.This person is a farmer in Tangshan, who has been working in Beijing for ten years.He was a very good carpenter, plumber, bricklayer, and if he didn't steal, a very good man.It is said that he sneaked into every house and had to clean up the whole house, fix the leaky faucet, wipe up the grease in the kitchen, and take out the garbage;If he stole a lot of money, he would write a report letter to the inspection agency, exposing the owner of suspicion of corruption, but if he stole less money, he would write a letter of commendation to the owner's unit, praising the person for his honesty and integrity.

He also has a large number of maxims and life philosophies, steal a family and give a family away.If there is a video tape in this house, he will take a look at it, and take it away if he sees an obscene one, so as not to poison the owner of the house.Some people had too many videotapes, and he had to watch them one by one, but the owner of the house came home and arrested him.Everyone from the police station to the neighborhood committee thought he was a good thief, and they were reluctant to send him to prison. Unfortunately, he stole too much, so they had to shoot him. This made the police at the police station and the old women of the neighborhood committee cry together.When the thief died, he left a will and donated the body to the hospital.I have a classmate admitted to a medical university, and I often see him in the formalin tank.He said that the thief brother was very big, lying in the sink with a dignified appearance, he couldn't tell that he was a thief at all, even though he was shot in the back of the head, he couldn't tell if he didn't turn over.Every time in anatomy class, the girls would fight over him.

What my uncle committed was a misdemeanor, but he was particularly hated.This is because no one can understand his paintings, they are colorful, and no one knows what he painted.Once I saw an uncle police officer holding his painting in his hand, and yelled at him: Boy—stand up and talk—what is this?If you can tell me, I will squat for you!My uncle turned his head to look at his work, squatted down again and said: I don't know what this is, I'd better squat down by myself.In my opinion, he drew a big swirl, again like a squirrel tail.Of course, it would be hateful for any squirrel to grow such a tail.My uncle used to have a license, but it was revoked for painting such paintings.Before revoking his license, the relevant department wanted to be as humane as possible and made a list, which read: Work No. 1, "Sea Horse"; Work No. 2, "Kangaroo"; Work No. 3, "Snail"; and so on.The so-called works are my uncle's works.The quotation marks are the names given to these paintings by the superiors.With these titles, these paintings can be understood.Of course, those seahorses and kangaroos and snails were all weird and crazy.As long as he can agree to the names, his license is not revoked.But my uncle refused to agree, he said he did not draw seahorses and kangaroos.People said: You don’t have to draw seahorses and kangaroos, but you have to draw something; my uncle didn’t say anything, and he even quarreled with them, calling them idiots.So he was expelled from the ranks of painters.

As you know, I write fiction by profession.I once got myself into trouble by writing a story about my eldest uncle, who was a novelist, a mathematician, and had all sorts of adventures.Someone checked my household registration stub and found that I only had one uncle.This uncle went to primary school at the age of seven, middle school at the age of thirteen, graduated from the oil painting department of the Academy of Fine Arts, and is now a vagrant.People also found out that from elementary school to middle school, his best grade in mathematics was three points. If he became a mathematician, he would undoubtedly discredit our country's mathematics circle.For this reason, the leader asked me to talk, and gave me a story outline, to the effect: When my uncle was born, he was a pair of twins.Because the family was poor and hard to support, he gave the older one to others.This older one is talented in mathematics and can write and write. He is very different from my uncle, so he and my uncle are fraternal twins.Regarding this point, the synopsis also explained that my deceased grandma was from Laixi, Shandong, and the local water has special ingredients, and after drinking it, there are especially many eggs.Just because she is from Laixi, my grandma looks like a female yellow croaker.The leader wanted me to rewrite the novel according to this outline, but I disagree—my grandma took me, and I have a deep relationship with her.I thought that as a novelist, I could have as many uncles as I wanted, and no one else could control me.I made a mistake and got my license revoked for this - this has already been written and I won't repeat it.

When I went to pick up my uncle, my mother was still alive.My uncle has exotropia, where both eyes look out at the same time, but it's better than Fathead Fish's.The same goes for my mom's eyes.When I looked in the mirror, my mother felt that she was beautiful in all aspects, except for these eyes. She complained that she was dragged down by her uncle.Because she came out ahead of my uncle, it is not certain who will be dragged down by whom.She teaches in school, and her major and art are far apart, but as my uncle’s sister, my mother felt that she should understand him better, and once said, “Show us your paintings.”But the uncle said: Forget it, you don’t understand after reading it.My mother hates people who say that there are things she doesn't understand in this world, so she threw the plate on the table and said: "Okay, I won't read it if you ask me!"You'd better be careful, don't let me lead you if something goes wrong!My uncle was silent for a while, then walked out of my house, never to come again.It was originally my mother's duty to go to the police station to pick up my brother-in-law, but she refused to do so afterwards.But my brother-in-law would still have an accident, and after the accident, he would put it in the police station, just like having our mail in the post office.So I had to go.

From a very young age I longed for love.My first love is my uncle.To this day, I'm still embarrassed by it.My uncle was very attractive when he was young, his hair was black and oily, thick and thick, and his skin was very thin—he was very thin, but strong, and his skin was shiny; when he stood naked, he looked like a thoroughbred horse, Wide shoulders and narrow hips, big but compact genitals—I didn't really know that last.I am male and not gay.So you should ask your aunt. When I was young, I had slender arms and legs, my knees could be bent back, and my elbows could also be bent back; I had sharp-mouthed monkey cheeks and phimosis.This last bit is hidden from view in the panties.I took my uncle out of the police station. The weather was very hot, and we were all sweating.My uncle stood on the side of the road and cut the "face" and wanted to take me to swim.This makes me very happy; even my imagination runs wild.Suddenly, he was kicked on the back of the knee.The uncle said: Stand up straight!That means my knees are bending forward, so I'm getting shorter.It is said that if I bend my knees, I will be ten centimeters shorter.After a while, I was kicked by my uncle again.This means that I am short again.I didn't understand what it mattered to him that I was short, so I stared at him.The uncle said viciously: "You look so disgusting!"I do love Uncle.But this bad guy treats me badly and it breaks my heart. My uncle squints, and I think he sees the world like a wide-screen movie, which is supposed to be good for his career.From a scientific point of view, the farther the eyes are, the better the three-dimensional perception will be, and the distance can be better estimated.In the early twentieth century, before the invention of laser and radar, people used this principle to measure distances, using a crossbar to install two lenses with a distance of more than ten meters.Because it is impossible for people's eyeballs to be so far apart, it is always limited to improve the visual effect by exotropia. Then the car came, and my uncle and I went to Yuyuantan.The water there has a muddy smell, and my uncle also said that every winter when the water is drained, a few dead people with only bones left can be found in the mud.This made me feel that in the bottom of the lake below me, some dead bodies were spreading out like a fat sea, and their bodies were dissolving in the dark green water; so I didn't dare to bury my head in the water.After scaring me enough, my uncle swam away by himself to see the figure of the girl on the bank.As far as I can see, people of average stature, even those of first-class stature, do not come to swim in the lake.No matter how unhappy I was, I finally saw my uncle's body that day.His dick is really big.After coming out of the water, the glans was as pale as a mushroom.Later, this pale glans head was imprinted in my mind. I dreamed at night that my uncle kissed me, and woke up to wipe my lips—of course, this was a nightmare.I feel this pale glans is a threat to the world.After coming out of the water, my uncle's lips were black and purple, and his eyes were bloodshot.He gave me ten yuan and told me to take a taxi back by myself, then walked away shaking my body.I put away the ten dollars and followed him cautiously, towards the Café de la Terre, towards the danger.Because I love him, I can't let him go on adventures alone. My uncle used to go to Café Terra, and so did I.It is a large tile-roofed house built in the middle of the last century, with wooden windows with iron bars on three sides.It is said that this place was originally a non-staple food market. After it was converted into a coffee shop, all the windows were covered with curtains.The black and red cloth curtains are red on the outside and black on the inside, so the room is very dark.I fell asleep in it, and when I woke up, I didn't know whether it was day or night.Unless one sits on the carriage seat next to the wall and raises the curtains, one can see the skylight outside and the dust on the window sill.All the small tables were lit with cheap white candles, emitting black smoke and the smell of paraffin. After staying in them for a long time, there would be a layer of blackness in the nostrils.If there is a smokeless and odorless yellow candle lit on a table, it must be my brother-in-law—like me, he can't stand paraffin smoke, so he always brings his own candle.It is said that this wax was made by himself, and it was mixed with beeswax.He always asks for a cup of coffee, but never drinks it.There was a lady who knew him very well, and even had feelings for him. Every time he came, she served him real Brazilian coffee, but only charged for instant coffee.But the uncle still refused to drink, she was very sad, hid in the dark and began to cry. I hoped that I could see my uncle selling paintings, so I worked hard to keep a close eye on him, crawling on the dark floor of the Dadi Cafe, tearing the sleeves of my jacket and trousers.The waitress came with coffee, flashlight in hand, and I crawled away from them too.Occasionally, they didn't crawl away and tripped over their feet. They dropped their plates and shouted: "Haunted!"Then my uncle got up and came over, dragged me out, pointed to the way home, and said one word: "Get out".I pretended to walk away, slipped back after a while, and continued to crawl on the dark ground.In the dark, I felt that there were cockroaches, mice, and other animals in that cafe; one of them was furry like a weasel.It bit me, leaving a tooth mark, smaller than a cat's bite, bigger than a mouse's bite.The goddamn thing has teeth faster than an awl.I couldn't help but yelled "Fuck!" and was caught by my uncle again.Then I was dragged outside by him, and then I came back.This kind of thing always happens several times in an afternoon, and it even annoys me. Later, my uncle finally found the person he was waiting for, a stout man with a bald head, who kept bowing to him, probably apologizing for being unpunctual.I think he is a Japanese, or a Chinese who has lived in Japan for a long time.They started whispering, and my uncle showed each other colored photos.At this point, I think, he was negotiating a deal, but he saw neither the painting nor the money.Of course, I really want to take a look at these two things, so that I can see clearly what the artist is doing.After they came out of the cafe, I continued to follow.Unfortunately, I always get caught by my uncle at this time. He would hide by the door of a cafe, or behind a kiosk, grab me by the neck, and beat me up—this guy was very vigilant.They're going to deliver the paintings and the money, and it's a dangerous stage where people can steal it, so always look behind you.When tracking Uncle, the position of his eyes like a fathead fish must be taken into account.His vision is wider than ordinary people, and he can see what is behind him without turning his head.One thing I never figured out: how the police caught him.Probably they are more vigilant than me. One day, I met that Japanese man on the street. He was wearing a striped suit with a tall girl on his shoulder.This girl is wearing a green silk cheongsam. She has a tall figure and strong steps, but her skin is rough and she looks a bit old. I looked at her face and found that the distance between her eyes was very wide, so I felt moved and followed behind. .She knelt down to adjust her high heels, and when I walked by, she grabbed me and said in an uncle's voice: Bastard, why are you following me again!In addition, she also exudes the unique body odor of my uncle.At first I suspected that she was my brother-in-law, but now I'm sure.I said: How did you do such a thing?He said: Don't talk nonsense!I am selling paintings.If you follow, I will strangle you to death!As he said that, the fingers of my uncle pinching my shoulder were like two steel hooks, embedded in my flesh.Had it been another person, he would have burst into tears.But I can't help it.I said: Well, I won't follow you, but you must not be caught like this!After he let go, I suggested that he wear sunglasses—his appearance is really disturbing.To be honest, if you take me with you when you do this kind of thing, at least you can look out.But my uncle didn't want to drag me into it, and would rather take the risk by himself.If caught, it is not only an illegal transaction, but also a sexual perversion.I also heard that once my uncle hung four pieces of cardboard on his body, squatted on the street, pretending to be a mailbox, and the Japanese pretended to be a postman to trade with him.But I didn't see this incident. It was the police who said it.Another time he pretended to be a middle school student, went to McDonald's to sweep the floor, and hid the painting in the McDonald's trash can; the Japanese pretended to be a garbage man to collect the painting.These things were caught, so I only know. But my uncle will not be caught again and again. In that case, he will have no income, so he has to drink the northwest wind.Once when I went to Baihua Mountain to play, I saw some local people with donkeys on the side of the road, inviting tourists to ride the donkeys, so I suddenly thought that my uncle might pretend to be a donkey and let the Japanese ride it. While touring the mountains, while negotiating deals.So when I saw a donkey, I would hit it. This is how I thought: If the donkey were my uncle, he would never let me beat him. Someone would stand up and fight me. The donkey didn’t have much reaction. It seems that they are not uncles.But the donkey owner wanted to fight me desperately, saying: "This child, why are your hands so cheap!"It seems that my uncle hasn't thought of this yet—that's good, I don't want my uncle to be ridden.I didn't tell them that I was looking for my uncle, because they wouldn't believe me.This is the situation when I visited Baihua Mountain. For a while I always wanted to confess to my uncle: You don't have to hide from me, I love you.But I never said that, I was afraid my uncle would beat me up.In addition, I also think this statement is too shocking.My uncle's eyes are far apart and hazy, which makes people feel that he is very close.Of course, this can only be realized by those who are often plotted by him.I often felt like I was at a dangerous distance, only to be kicked by him.It is said that the 20th century Kung Fu master Bruce Lee also had this kind of ability, but it is not known whether he also had exotropia. The police uncle said that my uncle also has a little advantage, that is, he never runs away after being "copied", but walks up to the flashlight and says: I was caught by you again.They said: Uncle is worthy of being an artist, not stingy, very generous.The word "chao" is a term used by the police, which refers to a search and arrest operation involving many people.I understand that it is derived from the word "copy" that uses a net bag to copy fish from the water.In this case, the fish is always flopping and jumping, so it is stingy.If they lie motionless on the bottom of the bag, they are big fish.It's a pity that most of this kind of aquatic vertebrates are stingy, so the level is very low.My uncle is big Qi Yu always had some money from selling paintings in his pocket, which was confiscated. It would be convenient for both parties if the matter were to end there.But to do so is to make a mistake.The correct way is to take the uncle to the police station for education after confiscating the stolen money.Since the uncle was very angry, he went with them honestly.I always felt that my uncle ran away at this time, and the police uncle might not chase him—because my uncle had no money on him.My uncle felt that what I said was also reasonable, but he still refused to run away.He felt that he was a person of status, not a petty thief, and he would be worthless if he ran away.Promising people entered the police station and were often treated very badly.A really worthless little thief will be at home there. The police uncle said that there is a license to ride a bicycle, not to mention painting.He listened without saying a word, just puffed up his cheeks, swallowed air into his stomach, and soon inflated like a balloon.Inflating himself is his special ability, which implies a deep meaning.We know that in the past, when people killed a pig, they always inflated it first, and then depilated it with primitive techniques.There is a common saying that a dead pig is not afraid of boiling water, which expresses an optimistic attitude in adversity. My uncle inflated himself, intending to show that he is a dead pig who is not afraid of being scalded.After that, he squatted under the wall with a bulging stomach, waiting for the family members to sign and lead them.This was originally my mother's task, but she refused to come, so I had to come.I was a child, walking through the dusty streets of the last century, and went to the police station to pick up my uncle; and I was thinking, hurry up, or my uncle will blow himself up if it is too late, and it would be ugly if his intestines and stomachs burst out.In fact, I was just worrying about it blindly: when it swells to a certain extent, the internal pressure is too great, and my brother-in-law will automatically get discouraged.At that time, with a "plop", the paper in the entire police station would be blown into the sky, and under the impact of the strong air current, my uncle's vocal cords would also make the sound of being cut off.After that, of course, he collapsed and spread out on the ground, like a pancake; the police couldn't kick him, so they could only stomp him with their feet;Not only do I like artists, but I also like police officers.I always feel that if one of these two types of people is missing, art will not exist. When I was young, my family lived near the Old Summer Palace.There is a black market in the Old Summer Palace, in a poplar forest near the wall.Next to a half-dry water surface, there is a dry reed beside the water.In the summer evening, the woods always get dark quickly because of the luxuriant leaves; in autumn, the leaves always fall like heavy rain.Tickets are required to enter the park, but you can jump in through the wall, which saves ticket money.The ground in the woods was trampled hard by human feet, shining like the surface of pottery; some white cloth was stretched between the trees, and some red letters were written on it, which were counted as signboards.There is a rural smell here.There are a few peasant-looking folks selling fake antiques there, but if you know what to buy, you can buy real stuff just dug out of the grave: the thought of someone selling dead people's stuff makes me tingle.Among the swindlers, there were also a few people in corduroy coats sitting on the mat, staring at their paintings from morning till night, so their expressions were melancholy.When some people passed by, they dropped a few ten-cent bills, but he didn't move, and he didn't say thank you.After a while, the change was gone.For a while I used to go there to see the people: I liked the atmosphere; and concluded that those who sat there were great artists like Van Gogh—the solitude and loneliness made me mad with envy. I hope my uncle can also sit among these people, because he has a depressed temperament, so it must be nice to sit like this, not to mention that he is facing a gloomy pool of stagnant water.As soon as spring comes, there will be algae blooms on the water surface, like a dark green garbage dump.As a result, the lake water becomes viscous, and no matter how strong the wind blows, there will be no waves.I think it is very suitable for him to sit here, not only looks good, but also can pick up some dime.But I ignored whether he was willing or not. I led my uncle out, and when the two of us were walking on the street, he asked me to go ahead, which was not a good idea.While walking like this, I mentioned to him the art black market near my house, selling all kinds of fake antiques, calligraphy and paintings, and some wandering artists set up street stalls there.The Yuanmingyuan police station is very close to my home, so it is convenient to lead him, but I didn't say the word "lead" for fear that he would be unhappy if he heard it.He didn't say a word, and walked for a while, he suddenly tripped me and made me fall on the concrete floor, breaking my knees and elbows; then he came to help me hypocritically and said: Nephew, be careful when you walk.From then on, I knew that the level of the black market in Yuanmingyuan was very low, and my uncle felt that it would be humiliating to sell his paintings there.My uncle is always silent and sinister like a cobra; but I like him, maybe because we are alike. There are many advantages to having a child lead a criminal, the biggest of which is that it can reduce wordiness.When the police see that the audience is so young, the desire to speak will be greatly reduced.In the beginning, I rode a mountain bike, called the policeman uncle, and talked sweetly until my uncle came out; then I wore a corduroy jacket and sat in the reception room in silence until my uncle came out; I reached this age and wanted to The policeman who spoke finally got his chance, but my silent attitude made him wonder what to say; he had no choice but to talk about the price increase of food, and the fact that the crickets produced in Wan’an Cemetery were more aggressive because they had eaten dead human flesh. .Of course, no matter how good a cricket is at fighting, it is not as good as a mouse.The police said: It is against the law to fight rats because it can spread the plague.Since fighting rats broke the law, I will not say anything.At the beginning, when my uncle came out, he patted my head and gave me some money as a bribe; later, we both kept our own things without saying a word. .For five or six years around this time, I grew thirty centimeters, and he couldn't pat my head anymore—unless he stood on tiptoe.At first, I thought that when I was in my 70s or 80s, I would have to go to the police station to pick up my uncle on crutches, but things turned around very well—he was sent to a training center.The schooling system there is three years, and I will not be required to take it for at least three years after that. Workshops are for wandering artists.There, they can learn to become engineers or agronomists. In this way, there will be one less evil and one more beneficial person, and the society will get double benefits.I heard that in a pig farm, if there are too many breeding pigs, some are castrated and turned into meat pigs. This is of course a nondescript analogy.I also heard that the sex ratio in China is now out of balance, with more men than women and fewer women. Some people call for sex reassignment surgery to change some men into women.This, too, is a nondescript analogy.Too many artists is indeed a trouble, and it should be reduced, but it must be a misunderstanding to reduce it to my uncle.If there are too many breeding pigs, we will castrate some, but we will keep some for breeding; if there are too many men, we will get rid of some, but we must keep some.If everything is done away with by asexual reproduction to continue the race, the whole society will degenerate to the level of fungi.For art, my uncle is undoubtedly a species.It would be wrong to kill him.