This incident happened in a small city in the south. There was a small park in the city center, and there was a police station in the park.One morning, a small policeman from the institute came to work and walked into this large office.Before he entered the office, he heard the laughter inside, and after he entered, he met the silence against him.In the silence, after passing several times, a big yellow envelope was delivered to him.The policeman who gave him the envelope also said: Xiao Shi, these stamps belong to me.When Xiao Shi saw the handwriting on the big envelope and the colorful Hong Kong stamps, he knew who it was from.In this room, under the watchful eyes of these people, it is of course better not to open the envelope for the time being.But he couldn't bear it anymore and opened it anyway.There was nothing in the envelope but a thin book, not even a letter inside it, not a single line of handwriting on the title page.Xiao Shi felt disappointed after flipping through the book.At this moment, he saw the words: "To my lover" printed on the title page, and he let out a long breath after seeing this line, as if a stone fell to the ground.He even wiped the line carefully with his fingers, then locked it in a drawer and went out.

Regarding this book we need to add that it was sent by Alain.Alan's name was written on the envelope, and his name was also printed on the book. This book was written by Alan.Everyone in this room saw that Xiao Shi received a book from Alan, and saw how he hurriedly searched for the book, how he eagerly stared at the inscription on the title page, and how he touched the line of words—— — all this under the silent watchful eyes of the public.The people in this room found that Xiao Shi was very emotional and nasty, and the vast majority of people could be satisfied after seeing this.If someone thinks this is not enough and needs to open Xiao Shi’s drawer and take out this book for everyone to read, she must be Xiao Shi’s wife’s idea.She really did this, took out the book, searched carefully, and finally found the inscription on the title page, so that everyone could see Xiao Shi's ulterior side.Of course, it would be irrational to do so.Pip, however, is far from being a sane person.

Xiao Shi was very excited when he received the book from Alan.His heart was beating wildly, his face was flushed, his hands were shaking; he didn't want to stay in the office for others to see, so he ran out.This state of mind we call love.He went to the toilet first, and that toilet was a place for gay gatherings. He met a few people in the circle there, and those people paid great attention to his expressions. He didn't want to be noticed by these people, so he ran out quickly , strolling in the park, and everyone he saw in the park looked at him attentively.He felt that all this attention was ill-intentioned.Carefully avoiding these gazes, he walked to a corner of the park.There is a bench here, and Alan sat on this chair a year ago.At this moment, Xiao Shi was also sitting on this bench, covering his face with his hands.Alan had been away from him for a while, he couldn't see him, he couldn't touch his body, he couldn't smell his scent, but a book he sent could give him an electric shock.This feeling has never been felt before.Xiao Shi himself said: This is love.

two Meanwhile, Alain lives far away, in a white room.The house was very empty, only a mattress was placed on the ground in front of the window.The weather was hot, and he was naked, with only a white towel covering his crotch.On the mattress, there is a book he wrote, which is exactly the same as the one sent to Xiao Shi.A large Coke bottle was placed in front of him, along with an empty glass.For him, the little park, the people in the park, etc., have become a thing of the past.But of course he remembered the people, and the despair.It's like walking alone through a long corridor full of people. The person standing in front of you walks away without saying a word, and all the discussions come from behind.It's like sleeping naked on a sheet with bedbugs crawling underneath.This is the despair that comes from behind.The despair in front of me is a little policeman who lashes out at him, humiliating him and treating him harshly, but Alan loves him.This little policeman is Xiao Shi.

About this little policeman, we need to add that he is good looking, well dressed and smart, just as you would see a good looking girl in some grocery store and wonder why she is here, this park police station There is also such a little policeman here.This park is a gathering place for homosexuals. When they talk about men, they talk about women the same way, so this little policeman is the public lover in the park.Of course, he didn't know this himself.When he went to the public toilet—of course he had to go there too, because there was only one toilet in that park, and public lovers had to go to the toilet too, and heads stuck out behind all the partitions to see him.It's hard to imagine anyone stalking a heterosexual lover down the toilet to see his image on the toilet (let alone the pit), but gays do.

three Regarding this little policeman, we know that every time he was on night shift, he would go to the park to catch a homosexual as a companion.One night he caught Alain on a park bench.At that time, Alan was sitting on someone else, flirting with that person, when suddenly illuminated by the flashlight, he looked dumbfounded.The little policeman said from behind the light: Hey, you two, what a novelty.At this moment Alan stood up, while the other man ran away.The little policeman stepped forward, grabbed his wrist, and said, "Don't run away too."Alan didn't get caught very often, so he was stunned and stunned.The little policeman shook his face with a flashlight and said, "You look familiar."Are you old?And Alan couldn't answer because he was too panicked.

The little policeman said: Come with me.He took out a pair of handcuffs and said: Do I need to put them on for you?Alan stammered and asked: What?The little policeman said: Do you want to run?Alan replied: No... no.The little policeman said: Then there is no need.That's how it should be, monks can't run away from the temple if they can run away.He put the handcuffs around his waist and took Alan away.After a long time, when the fear at that time had long since dissipated, Alan said: How wonderful it was to start that night.Xiao Shi's grip made his heart skip a beat, and Xiao Shi wanted to put handcuffs on him, which made him very excited.These feelings overwhelmed him.

Four The little policeman dragged Alan to catch up in the shade, and educated Alan while walking.What's interesting is that at the beginning of this education, Alan was advised not to be too scared, not to tremble so much.He made a mistake, but it wasn't a big mistake, "it wasn't robbing a bank, and it wasn't rape on the way." Therefore, Xiao Shi didn't want to do anything to Alan.We know that he catches Alan to entertain him (this matter will be discussed later), and if Alan is scared like a ball of mud, it will be boring. After a long time, Alan recalled that night and felt that Xiao Shi was pulling him to walk, just like an adult pulling a naughty child.That is to say, the former walks vertically and the latter walks horizontally.However, he prefers to think of it as a pretty boy pulling his naughty girlfriend, for his own taste of course.

The little policeman talked about Alan's mistakes in this way: "I know all about you... Ten flats are not as good as a circle, right? It's about the same, so why pay attention to thousands. Let's just flatten it, now it's the primary level of socialism Let’s not come to high-end stuff from foreigners.” This surprised Alan, and said, “It’s not a question of flat and round…” Then the little policeman interrupted him roughly, saying: Don’t tell me This, I don't want to hear.After a long time, Alan recalled these words, and felt that the rough and ignorant words of the little policeman were not only interesting, but also very cute.

Fives That night in the park, the little policeman dragged Alan away, and Alan secretly put his hands behind him and touched his buttocks.Maybe some naughty girlfriend groped his pretty boy too, but he went a little too far.Alain's hands are expressive and varied.The little policeman gradually couldn't move.Walking under the streetlight, the little policeman let go of his hand, and Alan slowed down, gradually separating from the policeman.Finally, he stopped under the streetlight, and the little policeman walked alone, farther and farther, until he disappeared in the night without looking back.That night, Alan escaped just like that.But later, when he thought of this incident, he felt infinite regret.Obviously, he should go to the police station with the little policeman, listen to his reprimand, and spend the night with him.Besides, reaching out and touching the little policeman's ass is an extremely vulgar act.And the matter of running away was really against his heart.Alan attributed the incident to the bad nature of vulgar men.It was he himself who spoiled the romance of the night.

Alan thought that the beauty of love did not depend on the lover, but on himself: on his gentleness and tenderness.Therefore, even if you have the cutest lover, but you are not gentle or submissive, it is not considered a beautiful love.For this reason, later, Alan sat in front of Xiao Shi again, which was completely intentional.But this time, Xiao Shi was not only irritable, but also a bit in the mood to settle old scores.This was completely within Alan's expectation. six At night, Xiao Shi came back to the office of the police station, turned on the desk lamp, and read the book under the lamp.He hoped that this book would talk about their love, but it was a historical novel, which disappointed Shi.Anyway, he still had to read the book because it was written by Alain.But he will read this book with disappointment.What prevents him from actually reading this book now is Alan himself, or in other words, various memories about Alan.A year ago, Alan was sitting on a chair in a park.He was wearing a silk dress, which was purple and stood out very much in the park.In Xiao Shi's opinion, his appearance is too flashy, besides, he also thinks that Alan looks at him rather strangely. Thinking of Alan's actions that day, Xiao Shi felt a desire for revenge, so he arrested him and took him to the police station. Xiao Shi ordered Alan to squat under the wall.Squatting on his left is a professor of art, and squatting on his right is a migrant worker engaged in construction. There are three people in total.The professor on the left has bad breath, and the migrant worker on the right has the smell of sweat. The smell is no better than that in the toilet.The rule here is that they should use the lowest squatting method, that is to say, squatting like shit, with their hands stretched out on their knees and their heads drooping forward. Alan thinks this posture is indecent, and they must always focus on— —To be precise, it was the buttocks. It was lifted up and placed on the calf, but was stopped by the police.People ask them to squat like this and think about their own mistakes, but when normal people squat like this, they can only think of shit, which defines their mistakes—this kind of mistake is very dirty, and the other way of squatting is just like shit. Less filthy and thus deviating from their wrong nature, so banned.Alan crouched under the wall like this. Before Alan went in, he was in a state of despair.After squatting for a while, he got rid of this state of mind, because he felt pain in his buttocks and thighs, and he longed to stand up so that he would not despair.The professor squatting next to him was older, and soon he couldn't take it anymore, and let out a faint hum.But the migrant worker felt better, because he was more used to squatting, and he had something to do, so he didn't feel bored.This thing is rubbing mud balls from the ribs down.They squatted behind the seat of a policewoman (who was the idea), disturbing her.She was particularly disgusted with migrant workers rubbing mud, so she took a piece of paper and asked him to rub it on it. However, after doing this, she still felt sick, so she ran out and brought the little policeman back, and asked him to take these people away. Take it away, "so as not to squat here and be disgusted".She spoke in a commanding tone.Having said this she went away, and asked that there be nothing to dislike her when she came back.These things include Alan.So the little police obeyed the order, called the migrant worker up, slapped him twice, fined him, and let him go.I called the professor up, taught him a lesson, and let him go.Both of the above two are homosexuals, and their "behaviors" have been seen. Migrant workers also have blackmail behaviors. These are revealed in the words of the little policeman (the little policeman said: What have you done? I will do nothing. Arrest you? Stop talking nonsense, fine...etc. When he talks to migrant workers, he doesn't have to teach children). In his speech, the little policeman specifically mentioned the professor's age and status in order to arouse the latter's shame.But he ignored Alan.Then he asked his wife to come back and sit down, but the latter was dissatisfied with him and said: Why is there one left.Her answer to the request to make do with her was: I don't!It turned out that she sat in the little policeman's seat, and the little policeman went out.Then the policemen who came in and out asked who was squatting in the corner, and she said that it was Xiao Shi's friend.I heard it's called Alan.Those people said, Alan, I have heard of it.They also said that Xiao Shi was on the night shift.It seems that Xiao Shi wants to save Alan to talk about it during the night shift.People also said that Xiao Shi shouldn't make trouble with Alan, Alan is not ordinary - they say Alan is very sexy (jokingly, of course).The female policeman puffed up her chest and said confidently: He dares to do it! These conversations took place in front of Alan's eyes, but everyone treated Alan as nothing, otherwise they wouldn't have told these nasty jokes.All this made Alan forget about the pain in his buttocks again, and returned to a state of despair—that is to say, he squatted down again very dejectedly. seven From a heterosexual perspective, especially from a police point of view, gay people who get caught are like some monkeys in a cage.Xiao Shi also looked at Alan in the same way.When it was getting dark, the little policeman—Xiao Shi made himself a bowl of instant noodles. At the same time, Alan sat on the ground, and the little policeman didn't even look at him, and said, "I didn't let you sit down."Alan squatted up again.After a while, Alan stood up again bowed.The little policeman said, "I didn't ask you to stand up either."Alan squatted down again, in the posture of defecating.At this time, Xiao Shi said in the tone of an aunt in the nursery: "Hey (read ei) why do you want to do it again?"The little policeman finished eating the noodles, made himself a cup of tea, stretched himself, then glanced at Alan, and said, "You can stand up now."At this point Alan stood up and rubbed his knees.Then, the little policeman sat behind the desk, half lying on the chair, stretched his legs comfortably, and said: Come here.When Alan started to leave, he said again: "Bring me a stool."Alan took the stool, walked to the middle of the room, put it down, sat on it, and the two began to look at each other.And so began the long night. At the beginning of that long night, Xiao Shi said to Alan: Say something.The latter said: I am gay.He added: "Everyone's life has a theme, and his theme was homosexuality.Xiao Shi's theme at that time was against homosexuality, but he also appreciated this kind of outspokenness.But when Xiao Shi asked him what kind of homosexual law he was, he remained silent.A year later, Xiao Shi was sitting at the desk with Alan's book in his hand. Of course he could understand that the reason why Alan didn't answer what kind of homosexuality he was was because he loved him.He is such a gay law.Xiao Shi opened Alan's book and browsed through it—he hoped to mention the love between them in this book, but it was a historical novel.Of course, he still wants to read this book, because it was written by Alan.He read this book with extremely mixed feelings, because it had nothing to do with him personally.Time stopped when he was about to read the unread. Eight Alain said that the long night began thus: In the silence, Alan said in a low voice (barely audible): Bian Er is socialism, Yuan Er is capitalism. The little policeman couldn't believe his ears: speak up, I didn't hear you. Alan: Bian'er is the proletariat, and Yuan'er is the bourgeoisie. The little policeman suppressed a laugh and said, "Speak louder." Alan said loudly: Bian'er is socialism, Yuan'er is capitalism; Bian'er is the proletariat, Yuan'er is the bourgeoisie! The little policeman beckoned him over with a smile, as if he wanted to whisper something, but he slapped him hard. Alan fell to the ground after being hit in the mouth.The little policeman regained his composure and said: Get up.After Alan got up, he said again: Sit down.When Alain sat down, he cleared his throat and said: "We're not talking about flat versus round." Alan smiled. Then, after a long confrontation, the little policeman suddenly smiled and said: We are even.What's the point of sitting like this, please say something.At this point he no longer looks like a policeman, but like the usual naughty boy.Later, Alan sat on the mattress and said to Xiao Shi's photo, I thought of this not to remember your shortcomings, but to explain how I fell in love with you and why I love you. Nine The main thing that night was: Alan confessed his affairs to Xiao Shi.This was because it was too hot and he couldn’t sleep in the first half of the night, and because there were a lot of mosquitoes in the police station. In short, when Xiao Shi was on night shift, he always had to catch a homosexual for interrogation and ask them to confess his "activities" to relieve boredom.It was Alan who caught him that night, and what he confessed was not just "events", so that night was not just about leisure and boredom. When Alan stood up from the ground, his legs seemed to disappear, and after a while they became sore and numb again.But he tried not to think about these unsightly things.Now Xiao Shi was sitting in front of him, he was his dream lover, and also his slave manager... After a little hesitation, Alan started to talk.What he thought was: to tell it all. During that long night, Alan confessed to himself like this: "When I was young, I always stayed in a house. This house had white walls and a gray concrete floor. I always sat on the ground and played with a dark gray , greasy blocks, and my mother is always shaking the sewing machine. Except for the sound of the sewing machine, the only sound in the house is the sound of an old clock on the cabinet. Every once in a while, I stop, I stared blankly at the clock face, waiting for it to strike. I never asked why the clock rings and what it means. I only remembered the appearance of the clock and the Roman characters on the clock face. I remember that the concrete floor was waxed and cleaned spotlessly. I always sat on it, and it didn’t feel cold. This scene is in my heart, like the paint on the clothes, the sand mixed in the meat, maybe I can't be separated from here until I die. I never thought about leaving this house, but it was inevitable." "Sometimes my mother would take me to her side, and with one hand I would spin the sewing machine. , the other hand untied the skirt and let me eat her breast. I was already big at that time, and I could reach her breast while standing on the ground. I still feel it in my mouth, that limp breast stuff, but the taste of milk has been forgotten. I don’t drink milk and I don’t eat dairy products. My mother always concentrates on sewing before feeding me, after feeding me, and while feeding me. She is indifferent to me. I still have my father, of course, but he's even more indifferent to me. That's how I was when I was a kid." ten Another confession from Alan was this: "I was old enough to go to middle school when I walked out of that house." "On the way to school, I often stop in front of the bulletin board. The bulletin has sentenced various prisoners, and the word 'rape' makes me fear from the bottom of my heart. I know that this is a man who has violated a woman. This is the worst crime in the world. Unimaginable things. There is also a word called 'rape', which I associate with the lewd paintings on the toilet wall - a man and a woman are together, and they will be discovered by others immediately. For this kind of thing, I've never had shame, only fear. Having said that, everything else is easy to explain." "There is a female classmate in my class. Because there is no one else at home, she is often escorted to the class by the police from the police station or the old lady from the neighborhood committee. She sits in a separate seat in front of the class. She has a nickname called Public A car means who falls in love with whom." She was beautiful and developed early.Wearing a white undershirt and black cloth shoes.During class, Alan looked at her for a long time.After class, boys and girls were divided into two sides, and the bus was left in the middle. "When I saw her, I thought of those horrible words: rape, adultery. It's not so much her curves that make my heart beat, but those words make me panic. Every night before I fall asleep, I have a long-lasting erection; the horror is long-lasting not bad." "The bus told me she hadn't fucked anyone. She just didn't like coming to school. That is to say, she was perfectly innocent of that horrible crime; but no one would believe her. On the other hand, she admits that she has contacts with men in the society, so it is tantamount to admitting that she has the behavior of hooligans. Therefore, she was put on stage to fight at the criticism meeting. … "I still remember how she stood with other rogue students on the stage. It was a weird era, sometimes students fought against teachers, and sometimes teachers fought against students. No matter who fights who, the one who is put on stage is a rogue." "I often see this image in my dreams, not her, but me, with small breasts and weak shoulders, being led to fight on stage, and my heart is full of joy." "In the dream, I became one with the bus." eleven That's how Alan confessed to himself that night. Of course, Xiao Shi didn't hear a word, because he didn't say it at all, but just confessed to him in his heart.Or he heard it and didn't take it to heart.Anyway, Xiao Shi was not gay at the time.All he wanted to hear was something astounding and vile.For this reason, the two parties have different recollections of that night.To tell the truth, Xiao Shi knew very well about the behavior of homosexuals, they fooled around in the toilet, had anal sex, oral sex and so on.He had already heard these stories and didn't want to hear them any more.He just wanted to hear how Alan ate the "double sticks" and how his hands were electrified.But Alan said: These things were made up, or they were other people's things, and they were passed on to him by false rumors.This made Xiao Shi very unhappy and asked him to say something.Alan was so emotional that he talked about his first homosexual experience: with a male classmate named Ma in high school.This matter sounds boring to non-gay people. At the home of a male classmate surnamed Ma, he first touched each other with his hands and then with his mouth.Alan tasted the male classmate - he was salty.This incident made him realize the original intention of sex, that is to see a beautiful naked man with red cheeks, prominent veins, moaning happily in front of you.At the same time taste the original taste of life.At that time, he thought that he was so docile and understanding, so his heart was full of joy.These words made Xiao Shi very disgusted, and felt that Alan was very cheap, and even wanted to beat him up immediately. After a long time, Xiao Shi had a new experience of this matter.He wanted to hear Alan's "things" very much, and he was very excited before hearing it; after hearing it, he felt that Alan was very cheap.Rather than saying that he hated the pleasure that Alan had had, it was better to say that he hated that the pleasure had nothing to do with him.That is to say, he already has the seeds of homosexuality in him, or he has long been homosexual without knowing it.Otherwise, I wouldn't have to listen to gay stories every time I was on the night shift. twelve After a long time, Xiao Shi sat under the lamp, holding Alan’s book in his hand, and understood why Alan didn’t want to talk about his homosexual experience and gay lovers, but liked to talk about irrelevant things. The answer is: Alan’s love He, and he asked Alan to talk about it, because he didn't love him at the time.He finally opened Alan's book.The first story in Alan's book is this: In ancient times, there was an officer or a government servant. It doesn't matter who he is. It doesn't matter how tall or what he looks like. The important thing is that when he was patrolling under the high palace wall, he caught a female thief and put the chain around her neck.This woman has slender shoulders and hips, as beautiful as a dragon girl.He could send her to prison, where she would suffer and be killed, or he could break the chains and let her go.In the former case, he handed her over; in the latter, he returned her to herself.There was actually a third option, he took her away in chains, that is to say, he took her for himself.In fact, this is also the female thief's own expectation. Alan wrote in the book: It was March in Yangchun, when the tender willows were like smoke, the yamen servant took her to the willow forest, pushed her on the black snowdrift, and raped her.Then she wrapped herself in the stained white dress and went home with him.Alan said: The coldness of the iron chains and the smudges of the remaining snow constituted the feeling of being brutally raped.She thought it was a good feeling.Xiao Shi thought about the beginning and the end of this incident, and felt that Alan was really sick.Alan's book, everything Alan had said to him that night, and Alan's love for him, these three things mixed together like a kaleidoscope.And these three things became very clear from Alan.That is, before Alan wrote this paragraph, he thought of sitting in the police station that night, looking at Xiao Shi's ferocious face, and feeling his contempt for him.These feelings turned into the female thief being ravaged in the woods, she was lying on a pile of snow in white clothes like snow.This female thief is Alan.Even so, if Alan's love for Xiao Shi is not taken into account, the context of this scene is still unclear. Thirteen Alan said that although some things were thought of at the time, they could not be written in this book.He sat on the mattress, meditating on his book.The book is not complete—the book cannot be a complete imagination, and the imagination cannot be a complete book.In fact, Alan's imagination also included the genitals of that yamen slave, which were as hard as iron, as cruel as iron, and as cold as iron, piercing into his (her) body.It's torture, and it's sex.However, this imagination is lost in his book.It occurred to Alan that perhaps he would write another book that would be outspoken about these feelings. Alan said that this book was of course born of his love for Xiao Shi, and it can even be said that it was completely born of the long night he spent with Xiao Shi in the police station. Although he had lost a lot, it was still the same. This book can hold all that night in my chest.And at the same time that he completely gathered that night in his chest, his erection was as firm as iron.Alan lifted the towel up a little, looked at his thing, and covered it up again.This thing seems to be a barometer of love.Alan didn't think it was very necessary, because he was so submissive, ready to be humiliated and destroyed; and the organ with teeth and claws was very out of tune with him. At the end of Alan's middle school, the bus was taken away and sent to a forced labor camp. He saw the scene from afar.She carried the washbasin and a bunch of other things with a basin cover, walked up to the police comrades, put down those things, and carefully handcuffed her wrists one by one.This scenario looks like making a deal in the market.Then, she raised her joined hands, brushed her hair, picked up the things on the ground, and left with them.This scene made Alan very envious—everything that happened on this peaceful surface made Alan empathize with him, and his heart was full of joy. fourteen In Alan's book, there is another passage like this: The yamen servant clasped the female thief's neck with a chain, locked her hands, and dragged her away like this, away from the busy city, to the river bank.This is the time when winter turns to spring, so the river is a bare riverbed, with rows of willow trees on the embankment, the branches of which are bright yellow, and in the shady places under the embankment, there are still snow and ice.This scene made the female thief feel that the iron chain was extraordinarily cool.The female thief didn't know where the yamen servant was going to take her, so she just followed. The actual situation was quite different: the group on the bus walked to the school gate and surrounded many students.They were walking through the crowd, and she was carrying her things in both hands, and they were heavy, so she was walking around—she couldn't think of anything else but walking.Later, when she got into the police car, she had the opportunity to look around and saw Alan in the crowd.Seeing him, she smiled and snapped a few fingers in goodbye. Alan said he felt Bus was taken away because of her beauty, gentleness and submissiveness.Therefore, in his mind, being arrested became synonymous with beauty, tenderness and obedience.Of course, Xiao Shi arrested him not because of his virtues, but because of rumors that he had electricity in his hands, had eaten double sticks, and so on.But Alan is willing to understand it this way.In other words, he is willing to believe that Xiao Shi arrested him because of his beauty, gentleness and obedience; although he himself knows that this may not be true. fifteen Alan said that the bus had a premonition that he would be arrested.She told Alan that I am very cheap now, and I will be arrested sooner or later.And later Alan felt that he was also very cheap. This was after graduating from middle school. Alan went to the farm (it doesn't have to be a farm, it can be a job of other nature, but this job is not in the city).He is a lonely person who doesn't like to bury others, but this kind of temperament is taken by the leaders. The superiors think he is very honest, so they let him be the chief of the department and provide food for everyone, so he often goes to the grain depot to buy food.Later, he met the chief secretary of the neighboring team in the grain depot.That person also seemed depressed and didn't like to bury people.Out of a naive imagination, Alan went to chat with him and fell in love with him.The story developed quickly, and before long, Alan fell in love with the quartermaster one festival night in a house of the neighboring team.It was half done, he said to be precise, the half that Alan did to him was done, and before he did the half that he did to Alan, suddenly a group of people jumped out, beat Alan badly, and confiscated his money. kick him out of the team.Then he walked on the road in the suburbs all night, counting the whitewashed tree trunks on the side of the road, which stood out in the dark.Like all young people who have suffered, he wanted revenge when, in fact, there was no possibility of revenge.No one will stand up for him unless he is willing to admit that he is gay.At dawn, he walked into the city, and in the eyes of others looking at him (Alan was quite embarrassed at the time), he realized how cheap he was. He even felt that he was the cheapest person in the world.Only then did he identify himself with the bus. sixteen Alan said: When he first came to this park, every night when the lights came on, he felt that there were many tall women walking under the lights in long black dresses that dragged the floor. He should be one of them, but at midnight , he began to yearn for physical contact, as if it would be too late if he didn't.As night fell and the lights came on, he felt urged, eager to be loved.Xiao Shi frowned and said: "What are you talking about, let's talk about your own business."Alan smiled at this, because it was asking him to confess his love.If a kind of love has no reason at all, it will be punished; if there is a reason, it may be forgiven; this is the logic in the police station.Not so in the park, where all love has no reason and is always forgiven, so it is not love.This is the reason for Alan's despair.He started talking about things like following someone in a park, after a long stalking, having sex on the top floors of unfinished buildings or high-rises, or mutual masturbation underwater in public baths.He said that he didn't like these things, because in these things, people become faucets with semen flowing out.However, Xiao Shi thought that Alan liked these things, otherwise why would he tell them.As a policeman, he thought that people would not take the initiative to say something to him, and if they did, it must have a special purpose.In short, with a serious expression on his face, he said: Be serious!And asked rhetorically: Do you think I am also a tap water pipe?Alan didn't answer, and the question was diverted like this.He simply said that love should be punished, and if there is no punishment, it is not love. seventeen Xiao Shi made this conclusion to Alan: You are cheap.Unexpectedly, Alan would take such comments calmly.He said that a girl told him like this: cheap is born.This girl is the bus.At home on the bus, Alan sat with her at a small round table eating melon seeds.She said: I was born the cheapest.This is probably because she was called a broken shoe because she hadn't done a broken shoe, and she was sent to the stage to fight without doing bad things, and so on.Then she said, let's see how cheap I am, then she took off all her clothes, sat down and continued to eat melon seeds with her head down, her hair slipped into her mouth, she shook her head to get the strands out ，然后她看到阿兰没有往她身上看，就说：你看吧，没关系。于是阿兰就抬起头来看，面红耳赤。但她平静如初，把一粒瓜子皮喷走了以后，又说：摸摸吧。阿兰把颤抖的手伸了出去，选择了她的乳房。当指尖触及她的皮肤时，阿兰像触电一样颤了一下，但是她似乎毫无感觉。后来，她把手臂放在桌面上，把头发披散在肩头，把自己的身体和阿兰触摸她的手都隐藏在桌下，平静他说，你觉得怎么样啊。忽然，她看到一只苍蝇飞过，就抓起手边的苍蝇拍，起身去打苍蝇。此时，公共汽车似乎一点都不贱，她也不像平日所见的那个人。因为她有一个颀长而白亮的身躯，乳房和小腹的隆起也饶有兴趣。只有穿上了衣衫，把自己遮掩起来时，她才显得贱。 公共汽车对阿兰说过，每个人的贱都是天生的，永远不可改变。你越想掩饰自己的贱，就会更贱。唯一逃脱的办法就是承认自己贱，并且设法喜欢这一点。阿兰小的时候，坐在水泥地面上玩积木时，常常不自觉的摸索自己的生殖器，这时候他母亲就会扑过来，说他在耍流氓，威胁说要把它割了去，等等。后来她又说，要叫警察叔叔来，把他带走，关到监狱里去。在劝说无效时，她就把他绑起来，让他背着手坐在水泥地上。阿兰就这样背着手坐着，感到自己正在勃起，并且兴奋异常。他一直在等待警察叔叔来，把他带到监狱里。从那时开始，一个戴大檐帽，腰里挂着手铐的警察叔叔，就是他真正的梦中情人了。一个这样的警察叔叔就坐在他面前，不过，小史比他小了十岁左右。他承认自己贱，就是指这一点而言。 阿兰想到公共汽车在自己面前裸露出身体的情形，想到她像缎子一细密的皮肤，就想说，这一切也该属于小史。他想把自己的一切都奉献出来——但是他没有说。首先，公共汽车已经没有了十七岁的身躯；其次，这种奉献也太过惊世骇俗。于是，这个念头就如一缕青烟，在他脑海里飘散了。阿兰说，刚从农场回来时，他曾想戒掉同性恋，也就是说，不要这样贱。所以他就到医院里去看。那里有个穿白大褂的大夫，坐在桌边用手拔鼻毛，并且给他两沓画片，一沓是男性的，另一沓是女性的；又给了他杯白色的液体，一杯是牛奶，另一杯是催吐剂，让他看女人的画面时喝一口牛奶，看男人的画片时喝一口催吐剂，就离去了。阿兰就开始呕吐起来。但是这里的环境和他正在做的事使他感到自己更贱了。 阿兰浏览了整套画片，那些画片制作粗劣，人物粗俗，使他十分反感。他并不是特别讨厌女性，他也不是特别喜欢男性。他只是讨厌丑恶的东西，喜欢美丽的东西。后来，阿兰放下了画片，坐在水池边，把那一杯催吐剂一口一口地喝了下去。他呕吐的时候，尽量做到姿势优雅（照着水池上的镜子）！他甚至喜欢起呕吐来了。 小史对阿兰说、没见过像你这样的——这就是说，没有人承认自己贱。所以，这就叫真贱。在大发宏论的同时，他没有注意到阿兰容光焕发，并且朝他抛过了一个媚眼，也就是说，小史没有注意到、阿兰爱他。他只注意到了表面的东西：在这间屋子里，有警察和犯了事的人，有好人和贱人，有人在训人。有人在挨训；没有注意到事情的另一面。 eighteen 阿兰坐在派出所里，感到自己是一个白衣女人，被五花大绑，押上了一辆牛车，载到霏霏细雨里去。在这种绝望的处境之中，她就爱上了车上的刽子手。刽子手庄严、凝重，毫无表情（像个傻东西），所以阿兰爱上他，本不无奸邪之意。但是在这个故事里，在这一袭白衣之下，一切奸邪、淫荡，都被遗忘了，只剩下了纯洁、楚楚可怜等等。在一袭白衣之下，她在体会她自己，并且在脖子上预感到刀锋的锐利。 阿兰谈到了自己的感觉，他常常无来由地感到委屈，想把自己交出去，交给一个人。此时他和想像中的那位白衣女贼合为一体了。那辆牛车颠簸到了山坡上，在草地上站住了，她和刽子手从车上下来，在草地上走，这好似是一场漫步，但这是一生里最后一次漫步。而刽子手把手握在了她被皮条紧绑住的手腕上，并且如影随形，这种感觉真是好极了。她被紧紧地握住，这种感觉也是好极了。她就这样被紧握着，一直到山坡上一个土坑面前才释放。这个坑很浅，而她也不喜欢一个很深的坑。这时候她投身到刽子手的怀里，并且在这一瞬间把她自己交了出去。但是阿兰没有把这个感觉写进他的书里。一本书不能把一切都容纳进去。 后来，阿兰讲的这个爱情故事是这样的：几年前，他还十分年轻，英俊异常，当时在圈里名声甚大。有一天，他和几个朋友，或者叫做仰慕者，在街上走着的时候，有一个男孩子远远地看着他，怯生生地不敢过来搭话。后来当然还是认识了，这孩子是个农村来的小学教师。他仅仅知道城里有个阿兰，就爱上了他，走到他面前，说：我爱你。并且又说，你对我做什么都成。这是一种绝对的爱情，也是一种绝望的奉献，你不可以不接受。但是这种绝望比阿兰的绝望容易理解，因为它是贫穷。阿兰到他家里去过，看到了一间满是裂缝的黄泥巴房子，一个木板床支在四个玻璃瓶子上，还有两个被贫困和劳作折磨傻了的老人。在那间破房子里，阿兰像一位雍容华贵的贵妇一样爱上了这位小学教师，并且在那张木床上，请他使用他。他觉得这种感觉真是好极了。