Chapter 19 color blindness.5

When Lin Baishuang woke up the next morning, the sunlight was already dancing in the room.He suffered from insomnia at night and had many dreams. At this time, he felt very dizzy.Fragments of thoughts, rolling in his mind like taking root, added a bit of heavy bad smell.Last night too I was tormented by the tangled feelings of these rascals.With great efforts, and with all sorts of examples, supplemented by instructor He's pungent and harsh teachings, he could only fall asleep after being extremely tired, but now, now, these unwelcome distracting thoughts are like After waking up, the mosquito came to disturb his peace again in the early morning.

He lazily raised his hands and rubbed his tired eyes, as if to wipe away those leaden bored thoughts, while struggling to change the direction of his thoughts: "Obviously knowing that it's nothing to worry about, why can't I get rid of it? Could it be that I'm so weak-willed! Could it be that my life's studies are just deceptive dross, and have I never benefited from it? Career, career! Love, love! I Why can't I adopt the cat instructor's view of love? Why don't I regard women as toys, but consider them gods? Why can't I see them as people made of the same flesh and blood as myself!"

Smiling lightly as if ashamed, Lin Baishuang remembered the shy and respectful look she had when standing in front of women.Don't dare to take the liberty, feel ashamed to take the liberty: this is the instinctive restraint he often feels when facing a lovely woman, and now he realizes that it is probably this "too gentle" that makes his love fail.Why not learn from Instructor He's straightforward method! New stimuli began to ferment in his hot mind.The mechanical acceleration of meditation is running, and he feels that Li Huifang is not completely hopeless, and he should try it with a revolutionary method; he solemnly said to himself:

"Career is career, and love is love; doing business should have the tenacity to stick to it, and making love should only follow the opinion of cat-faced friends: when you meet a woman and want to love, just love her directly; if you can't love If you can't let it go, you can't let it go, it will hinder the energy and time for doing business in vain, it is better not to fall in love!" He jumped up, dressed hastily, and was even more hastily thinking about how to express his naked opinions to Li Huifang; should he write a letter or have a face-to-face interview?He immediately decided to write a letter.He wanted to explain sincerely that he had never regarded her as a "middleman" or an "appendage", and he had to ask her to give a clear and final answer.

This sudden excitement supported him, and when he sat at the desk and picked up a pen to write a letter more than ten minutes later, he suddenly disintegrated again.A sharp horn of instinctive restraint popped out of his web of excitement again, and stubbornly grew bigger and bigger.An incomprehensible reserve restrained his wrist.He couldn't write half a word.And he felt that Li Huifang's unpredictable behavior and arrogant character were a bit scary. "Then, she is not cute after all, then, don't think about her anymore, don't bother others!" Lin Baishuang ordered herself angrily.But another, more inner self is very stubborn and refuses to accept it.He put away the fountain pen, tore the letter paper to pieces, and stared at the space in a daze.

He walked out of the room in a daze, but when he reached the door, he suddenly remembered that Instructor He was still in Nanjing, so he shrank his feet in frustration.He felt sadly that there was no way to escape from the city of sorrow in front of him, and the only strong drink to soothe his sorrow——Instructor He was unfortunately not there! So in the mood of giving up on himself, he threw himself on the bed. For a moment there was no thought, only dizzy anguish.However, drowsiness also slowly climbed up his eyebrows and eyes, and the hot and humid south wind blew his hair, bringing the commotion of the city again.

Lin Baishuang gradually calmed down.The thorns of troubles were blown flat by the south wind, leaving only a simple body, which was still firmly tied in his heart. "Why can't I regard love as just a physical action like Brother Cat?" Lin Baishuang half-consciously peeled off this enigmatic core.He thought of the new realism in love that Instructor He talked about that day, and suddenly a light flashed in his mind.Doctrine works.He suddenly recognized that there was a deeper and fundamental thing that was moving the pointer of his love, so that he could not have the concept of the instructor, although he had already admitted that the instructor's idea might be better.

He felt the bed swaying under him, and the simple furniture in the room was heaving and heaving like waves.He instinctively raised his hand to rub his eyes.Everything returned to silence.It's just that his heart was hesitating, and he seemed to see his heart hesitating and shaking in his chest, like a pendulum.And he also felt that it was this pounding of his heart that disturbed his blood, disturbed his nerves, and dimmed his eyes. A series of "heart pendulums" hung in the space impressively.The biggest and most obvious one on the head is still emitting hot steam.It gradually becomes smaller and blurred, and finally reaches the last one that does not distinguish between motion and motion.

"Since when have I wandered between two giant waves?" Lin Baishuang thought about it depressedly.A web of past events, entangled with unhappy memories, everything is but a vague impression.However, he could clearly feel the current hesitation.Why?He himself doesn't quite understand.He knows that his mood is a common phenomenon at present; he has also searched for the reasons for this, and he once thought it was caused by the blurred current situation, but now he feels that it is not quite right.There was a criticism that made him quite admit: "Because your nature is like this!" But why do you have such a nature?Lin Baishuang fell into the deep pit of confusion again.

He jumped up from the bed, as if determined to pull himself out.He walked around the room for a few steps, thinking to himself: "Although introspection is indispensable, it is not enough to hide at home and daydream, isn't it?" He glanced at the desk, put on his hat mechanically, and ran away. out. Walking along, Lin Baishuang observed the hustle and bustle on the street with serious eyes; he wanted to find a way to stabilize his heart in reassessing everything. There is no cloud in the sky, and there is no wind; the scorching sun at the end of May covers the head like a fire umbrella.She hasn't eaten since morning, and Lin Baishuang doesn't feel hungry either.He protruded his eyes, stretched his neck, and paced nervously, beads of sweat slowly oozing from his forehead and neck.

Suddenly the noise on the street was broken, and there was a faint but majestic whining siren sound from not far away.Lin Baishuang, who was paying attention all over her body, was louder than a thunderbolt.His heart beat suddenly, and the muscles on his face tightened.He looked up instinctively.It's just a sunny day in May.However, in front of his excited heart, there were many chimneys, large and small, which turned ocher in the sunlight.Lin Baishuang breathed a sigh of relief and walked forward.His eyes were filled with blood, and he saw that the people passing by on the street were all red and overflowing with strength from the depths.His thoughts flew farther: "The evil fire under the ground is now intensifying, and it will explode in the not-too-distant future, and it will burn up the dirt and dirt on the ground, and it will dry up the black waves that trap people! This is the inevitability of history. Those who cannot see this necessity will eventually become laggards. Those who struggle to swim against the current will turn into ashes after all! The wheel of the times can only turn faster and faster to reach the end, and it will never be halfway stopped." Thinking of this, Lin Baishuang felt a heavy weight in his chest, as if his heart had been transformed into lead, and it was not shaking for a while.A resolute light also shot out from his eyes.However, this is not long.When he suddenly looked around in a startled state and found himself standing on the so-called "Bank Street" facing the western-style buildings, he shivered again as if he had contracted malaria.He felt the silvery white light coming from all around, freezing him.He also saw that the faces of all the people who came and went were no longer flushed red but covered with silver hoarfrost.People hurried away like shadows and ghosts, as if it was the Kingdom of the Underworld.Cold and gloomy, it permeated Lin Baishuang's body. He turned and fled into an alley. There are small grocery stores and small restaurants lined up along the narrow road here, and they seem to be familiar and kind faces and more familiar scenery.Their lukewarm yellow light made Lin Baishuang feel the joy of being saved.Now that the tension net was removed from his heart, he unconsciously slowed down, pacing as if appreciating something.Two or three people stood by the street and exchanged protracted and lengthy conversations leisurely.The owner of the grocer leaned against the counter and cracked sunflower seeds, and the pot in the small restaurant made a sleepy chirping sound.Relaxed, lukewarm, half asleep, like the weather of the Huangmei Festival! Lin Baishuang dragged his two legs and walked slowly. Within ten minutes, a greasy dullness gradually piled on his heart again, until he was suffocated.A pair of people whispering to each other happened to stand in front of him.He bumped into it impatiently with a bit of malice.The pair parted ways, but they only glanced at Lin Baishuang, and then they met again to continue their incessant private conversation.An unreasonable anger suddenly rushed to the tip of Lin Baishuang's nose.He really wanted to shout a few times to break the dullness of yellow.He stood still suddenly, raised his left foot and gave a strong kick to a puppy that was walking to his feet, then walked out of the alley quickly, ran after a tram and jumped on it. The train was crowded as usual.Lin Baishuang stood at the door of the car and looked in, only to see a lot of vibrating red, yellow and white faces.Then they mixed into a mass of mixed colors, like a huge palette.And this, flew over and hit Lin Baishuang's forehead, the pain seemed to burst. It was only when the conductor stretched out his hand that Lin Baishuang realized that he was on a tram.He hesitated.Where is he going?Where should he go?Everyone in this car has a goal, but he doesn't have one!Instinctively he bought a ticket and went on with his mournful musings.But when the tram stopped again, many people got off one after another, and he also walked to the road in a daze. Lin Baishuang couldn't comprehend what kind of road it was, what kind of scene it was, and what was tightly locked in his eye sockets were still the three colors that shone and trembled.He didn't know the color in his face, but he hated the glances people gave him.He only picks places where there are few people. He walked hurriedly along the cemented sidewalk; he also made several turns and crossed a street or two.Then, he saw himself standing in front of a square.That is the famous racetrack. It was a quarter past noon, the heat of the sun was strong, and there was no sign of the wind.Lin Baishuang felt his stomach was empty, and his shirt was already soaked with sweat.He stood there for a minute or two, then lazily stepped onto a rickshaw. Without thinking for a moment, he watched the wheels turn evenly.The road has just been sprinkled with water, and the wheels have left two lines on the ground, and then on the dry street, the tracks of the wheels have become lighter and weaker, and finally disappeared. "My life has been nothing more than that—perhaps not!" Lin Baishuang recited silently, and the emptiness of sorrow weighed heavily on his heart again.He felt that it was pointless to take up the burden of life with such contempt. "I have no personal interests to pursue, and I don't have the interests of the masses to pursue. What is the purpose of my hard life?" He thought sadly, and the shadow of suicide suddenly flashed in his mind.He raised his eyes mechanically, looked to the left, then to the right.Are they still the same red, white and yellow faces?But how complacent they are!Everyone enjoys the meaning of life.Everyone clings to the purpose of life, only he is an exile in life, without meaning and without purpose. "Everyone is pursuing personal or group interests, although their appearances are different!" Lin Baishuang continued to think enviously.Suddenly his thoughts turned a corner, and a road opened up ahead.He felt that some interests should be put in the burden of his life, and he should live "something".And this "doing something" should be a heavy drop, which can calm the mind and shake the anxiety! Hot blood rose to his head, and his face turned red. six Armed mentally in this way, Lin Baishuang also decided on a new approach to her love affairs.He admits that his previous desire to use love to relieve his hesitation and depression in his mind is really a fantasy.Being in love is just being in love.Just the pleasure of flesh between the sexes.It is very difficult for him not to fall in love. Since he has something to do with love, he has to prepare for falling in love, but he doesn't want to suffer the pain of falling in love, so he has to accept instructor He's view of love. Holding this decision, he jumped off the rickshaw and ran to his room.He was ready to see the plain answer to the failure of love.But when he changed into his sweaty clothes and approached the desk, he saw a letter stuck neatly in the corner of the blotter's leather case.This is the letter from Li Huifang.Lin Baishuang calmed down the beating of his heart, picked up the question letter, and quickly tore it open.His eyes were drawn to the following words: "...The matter of Yunqiu has not completely deteriorated; the foreword is very funny. Fortunately, don't mind. I have some homework matters, and I still need to ask for advice; do you have time tomorrow? ..." Lin Baishuang slowly folded the letter paper into small squares, and gently shook it on his fingers, as if to estimate its weight; The round face was cunning and teasing, but like a puff of smoke, it dissipated in an instant. "Do not ask how, I will make my own decision!" As soon as he moved his body away from the desk, such a thought popped out of Lin Baishuang's brain.He immediately picked up a piece of paper and wrote a short reply.It was straight forward when I asked Li Huifang if she would go to Hangzhou with him for ten or eight days. So he breathed a sigh of relief, and Lin Baishuang walked to the window, looking at the evening sky happily.What kind of reply Li Huifang would have, he didn't take it to heart.And he was already thinking about how to test Zhao Yunqiu with the same naked attitude.Both would fail, he expected; but he would have the courage to bear that failure, and he would have no remorse nor sorrow. The brilliance of the setting sun dyed the few gray and white clouds in the sky red.Evening wind began to blow.Lin Baishuang is leaning on the window rail in a chic way, looking at the vast space.Under the brilliance of the setting sun, he saw that everything was red with hope, which suited his excited and determined mood very well.The froth of pleasant imagination flowed from his blood until it soaked him deeply. He rubbed his eyelids lightly, then turned to look at the room.A large map of China on the wall over there reflected blood-like brilliance, and the furnishings in the room were covered with crimson spots. "Ha, this—even if it's just color blindness, it's already different from my previous color blindness; besides, color blindness of one color is much better than color blindness of three colors!" Lin Baishuang thought so.A serene smile graced the corner of his mouth. Completed on March 3, 1929