Chapter 5 Four (2)

Every day when he came back at dusk, he always brought a big bag of fruits and snacks and sent them to old doctor Mei's room; he took the other small bag to Ms. Sit down and say a few words, it is nothing more than irrelevant things.He often bought some books for Mrs. Mei.He bought all the books and magazines with the word "new" in them; therefore, "New Theory of Hygiene", "New Baseball Law", and even "New Theory of Sex between Men and Women" were also included in "New Youth", "New Youth", etc. In the pile of "New Wave".It often made Ms. Mei purse her lips and couldn't stop laughing.Probably because he saw that Ms. Mei subscribed to a copy of "Student Tide", he suddenly collected all the books with the word "Tide" published by the Commercial Press and Zhonghua Book Company, put them in a big cattail bag, and carried them away sweating profusely. In front of Ms. Mei said:

"Look; there are so many, some of them are your favorite!" For Liu Yuchun's kindness, Ms. Mei was afraid, more afraid of the high-handed tactics of anger and stern voices; especially when she saw that Liu Yuchun seemed to be somewhat sincere, not coaxing, her thoughts fell into confusion and wandering.She felt that these were some invisible strings, gradually entangled her heart that was flying away from the broken wall.But she couldn't get rid of the encirclement of these tough threads.She is a woman.She has the disadvantage of traditional women for thousands of years: easily moved by emotion.She clearly understands this shortcoming, but she can't get rid of it, can't restrain it, what can she do!She really wanted to tell him her plan honestly, but she felt it was inappropriate; if she revealed the plan, it would be tantamount to announcing her own death sentence, and her father would definitely not let her go.

She was more anxiously expecting a letter from Ms. Xu Qijun, but there was none. In this way, the new boredom led Ms. Mei and Mrs. Huang, who lived next door, to become closer friends.Either she came or Ms. Mei went, and there was always a meeting between the two of them every day.Mrs. Huang had studied in a female teacher in this province before, and she was very familiar with the situation in Hankou. This was where Ms. Mei paid attention. She asked very carefully about the transportation from Chongqing to Hankou, what schools were there in Hankou, and what kind of school did Mrs. Huang have in Hankou? What acquaintances.Mrs. Huang likes to ask about the situation in Chengdu.Her questions were very strange, and often exceeded the range of Ms. Mei's knowledge.Her question is: Is there a relief center for women and children run by foreigners in Chengdu, is there a nunnery with a church, and is there a quiet nunnery.The two also never talk about themselves.Something seems to be blocking them, making it difficult for them to speak.However, when the general customs and customs have been discussed, the discourse about each person finally turns up.

"Although Mr. Liu is a businessman himself, he is willing to pay attention to buying books for you!" Looking at a package of newly delivered books, Mrs. Huang said enviously. Ms. Mei smiled, but did not answer.Mrs. Huang's eyes fell on the bag of books blankly, and for a long while, she seemed to be touched by something.Then, with a slight sigh, she suddenly asked in surprise: "Mei Mei, do you also feel the same way: when viewed from a distance, everything is not bad, or it is actually very good, but when it comes to you, it changes and becomes unexpectedly bad; what's the reason? Or did we see it wrong before? Or did the thing go bad later on by itself?"

"I'm afraid it's a little bit of both sides." Ms. Mei's casual answer surprised Ms. Huang; her face turned pale, she lowered her head, her chest trembled slightly, and suddenly raised her head to see Ms. Mei's face, with The somewhat miserable tone said excitedly: "Do you have the same opinion? How many people have I asked, and they all said the same thing! Going bad? There is nothing that doesn't go bad all the time, unexpectedly, going bad! Isn't this something we can guard against? People, living in this world, there are disasters everywhere, what’s the fun in the end! I think, if these disasters are my own fault, if I misunderstood the people before, that would be an experience; I still have the courage to find another one. Two, I can still hope that the second time I read it correctly. But you all said that it has gone bad, just like Huang Meitian's vegetables must go bad, what else can I do!"

As if drunk, Mrs. Huang suddenly went out of her normal state of reticence, which almost stunned Ms. Mei.She heard the background of Mrs. Huang's words, and she immediately imagined a picture of an unhappy couple's life, and she understood what Mrs. Huang meant by "change".She couldn't agree with such an objective philosophy of change, she firmly believed that subjective power could change the environment, but Mrs. Huang's sad words were like many lead weights on her heart, turning into her irritability and impatience.She said to herself in her heart: "Look! This is the second Wei Yu. Poor, but also hateful!" She shook her head resolutely, but still did not answer.

"Now I just want to live a celibate life. I am willing to live in a nunnery, a church, or a poor life!" Mrs. Huang finished with a sigh, her eyes were also red. "Duh! What are you talking about!" Ms. Mei yelled angrily, forgetting what she had done.A cloud of pungent anger erupted from her chest, shaking her whole body.Her gaze was directly on Mrs. Huang's face, like two sharp swords. "If you were in my position, you would think so too!" Madam Huang lifted her worried face and protested softly. "Definitely not! Why hide in a nunnery? Isn't it better to find an independent life in society? Isn't it better to find a lover to fight against him?"

Mrs. Huang was silent.After a few seconds, she lowered her head and said in a low voice: "He wouldn't let me go. He said I was suspicious and jealous. Well, you don't know the unspeakable entanglement between us. You never dreamed of such a scandal. Your judgment is unfair." "I don't want to know. In short, you are useless, you are too cowardly, you deserve it!" Ms. Mei literally scolded.Her swollen mind has mixed her recent boredom with Mrs. Huang's problems to form a whole, and she doesn't quite understand whether this anger is for Mrs. Huang or for herself; she seems to be a failure. In order to support herself from falling into pessimism and depression, the revolutionary had to scold those sad and tearful fellow sufferers; but her heart was also secretly bleeding.Mrs. Huang was not angry, but looked at Ms. Mei worriedly, and replied slowly:

"Anyone would say that. It's not that simple. You didn't see how affectionate they were! They did it right in front of you. Yinming also deliberately asked: 'Sister-in-law, aren't you jealous? My brother and I are in love!' Hehe , how many people have said that I am suspicious, that I am living in an unclear grievance. But is it really me that is suspicious? I saw it with my own eyes, and I did not wrong people. I go? No one will believe me, No one will sympathize with me. They must say that I am immoral, that I am merciless, and that I have a heart. If you are me, you must also say: Except for the nunnery, there are only coffins!"

"Definitely not!" These three words still burst out from Ms. Mei's teeth, but with a bit of desolation.She stared blankly at Mrs. Huang, feeling that the boundless darkness and coldness were surrounding them from all sides, burying the two of them. There was a momentary silence.Suddenly a burst of laughter came from the partition wall, followed by Huang Yinming's lively words.Mrs. Huang jumped all over, and fell on the table as if limp, unable to help crying. Ms. Mei planned to write a letter to Xu Qijun that night.But I can't write.Mrs. Huang's face and voice blocked her mind like a cloud of sorrow.In the past, she thought Mrs. Huang was very happy, but now she knows otherwise; happiness, especially the happiness between husband and wife, can't really exist?This is how man is destined to roll through the filth and pain until he reaches the grave. Is struggling in vain?People only want to blindly obtain some sensual pleasures, and they should only devour their own kind, or be devoured. After all, are they not worthy of any lofty goals or ideal life?Madam Mei suddenly laughed out loud.She stood up, twisted her waist, and gently swayed her lower body, thinking excitedly:

"I was born with such a good skin, just for people's enjoyment? If so, I will live for my own enjoyment, I will not be a passive person!" This concept entangled her like a poisonous snake.A sudden greasy passion pushed her forward.She opened the door suddenly and stared into the darkness outside.The cold wind blew from the yard, passed through the corner door, and made a rustling sound.She came out quietly.When she reached the door of the East Wing, she stopped abruptly and listened quietly. Then, she lightly pressed her face against the door and peeped in through the cracks in the boards.The dizzy kerosene lamp illuminated Liu Yuchun sitting at the table with the account books spread out in front of him.As if thinking about something, he scratched his head with his hands frequently and turned his face to the window.Erhe stood up and walked around, but when he was about to reach the door, he stood still, as if he was about to open the door and come out. Ms. Mei was so startled that she lost her balance and her shoulder hit the door. "What am I doing here?" Such thoughts flashed across her consciousness.So as if she had just woken up from a dream, she looked around in a hurry, and was about to run away, but the door of the wing room opened.Liu Yuchun stood straight in front of the door, too shocked to speak. The two looked at each other for a few seconds, and Ms. Mei turned around and ran back to her bedroom.She wondered: When did it come out?Why are you standing outside Liu Yuchun's room?She slumped in a chair, cupping her face in her hands. When she raised her head again, it was Liu Yuchun who caught her eye.A strange, but not painful heartbeat prevented her from uttering a word.There was only one thought in her mind, "Is something going to happen?" She felt that her hand was being grabbed, and she heard Liu Yuchun's voice say again: "Our catastrophe should have receded, right? The fortune teller told me that the winter solstice is a yang, and happiness descends on the family; isn't the day after tomorrow the winter solstice?" Ms. Mei couldn't help but chuckle.She suddenly felt sorry for Liu Yuchun.In such a mood, she accepted Liu Yuchun's hug again. Five or six days passed quickly. Now the relationship between Ms. Mei and Liu Yuchun can be said to be very good.Liu Yuchun was indeed much gentler, and Ms. Mei also had a semi-negative self-indulgent mood.Sometimes she still felt that Liu Yuchun hadn't committed any serious crimes. Compared with Mr. Huang next door, Liu Yuchun was very frank.Who doesn't want to live happily and contentedly?As long as it does not harm others, everyone has the right to demand their own greatest happiness!Ms. Mei even thinks this way: if Liu Yuchun can agree with her flying away and not hinder her from pursuing her longing for life, then she will never begrudge the present happiness he needs, and she will also wish it. She was still looking forward to Xu Qijun's letter every day, and was still preparing secretly; she didn't terribly reject Liu Yuchun, but she didn't allow her to go back to Liu's house either. The psychology of anticipation and peace of mind, like two big wheels, pushed Ms. Mei through the flat days.Mrs. Huang still came to chat frequently, and every time she would pull out many strange things from her mouth—like a juggler: secret love between brothers and sisters, nunnery, and coffins.These things, every time, arouse Ms. Mei's anxiety, hatred, pity, contempt, panic, depression, some rotten smell, some wet and sticky cold sweat.Every time Mrs. Huang came, Ms. Mei's heart felt like a bunch of hazel thorns; she hated the poor Mrs. Huang, but she felt bored after not seeing her for a day.That wild cat-like Huang Yinming didn't give Ms. Mei a good impression from the beginning, but now, she has aroused Ms. Mei's interest.In Ms. Mei's view, Huang Yinming's thoughts and personality are incomprehensible.Are you saying that she is seeking her own happiness?How did she get any happiness because of it.To say that she is young and does nothing, is it all based on emotion?She is so sophisticated, she seems to have a lot of skills and experience.Are you saying that she is a fool, completely ignorant of the impact of what she does?She is full of new ideas and knows what it is to be in love.These incomprehensible, imperceptibly lead Ms. Mei and Huang Yinming to get closer.However, because of this, more inexplicable things were discovered. Huang Yinming often talked about her brother with contempt. All these things formed a big doubt in Ms. Mei's heart.She abstracted these questions into a short essay and sent it to "Student Tide", which was talking about love at the time.The article was published, but the editor added a note, bravely singing "breaking the old ethics", saying that the love pain described in the article was also caused by the old ethics.Ms. Mei is very dissatisfied with this inappropriate comment.She thought: All crimes can be pushed on the old ethics, and at the same time, all crimes are carried out under the banner of breaking the old ethics. This is the glorious and fashionable New Culture Movement! On the third day after the article was published, Ms. Huang Yinming suddenly came to Ms. Mei's house.This "wild cat" lady has an ugly complexion, and her pair of gloomy eyes are almost terrifying. "My sister-in-law often comes to complain to you?" Huang Yinming asked such a question straightforwardly. "Nothing in particular was mentioned." Ms. Mei gave a firm denial; but she thought in her heart: Let's see how she has the nerve to say it. "Oh, May, you don't have to lie. Your article is the evidence. I'm not here to argue with you. I want to be good friends with you. You are not a boring young lady, nor a new youth who is in the limelight, so I want to make friends with you." You are good friends. I don't want my loved ones to misunderstand me." Huang Yinming said with a smile, and grabbed Ms. Mei's hand affectionately.These words hit Ms. Mei's heart deeply. She felt that the denial just now was too frank, and she couldn't help but feel hot on her face.Huang Yinming has gone on to say: "You say that I am incomprehensible, you are wrong. I am not a monster. I am an ordinary person. I can think, feel, lose my temper, know how to be happy, just like ordinary people. What is different from ordinary people is that I do not Willing to pretend, and I want to expose other people's masks on purpose. For this reason, I can't live with my father, so I have to come to my cousin. Who would have thought that this would arouse the jealousy of my sister-in-law! Mei! I am human , I would lose my temper, a big temper, and I said to myself: 'Since she is so jealous for no reason, I will honestly have sex with her husband, what about her?' I did it. I didn't Possess her husband; the husband is still hers, the same as before, not missing a leg, or a hand, or anything. On my part, you may say, May, it is quite unnecessary; but on mine As for my sister-in-law, I didn't hurt her at all. I also know that if I would pretend at first, if I didn't be as affectionate to my cousin at the beginning, then nothing would happen, and my sister-in-law would naturally not be jealous Yes, but why should I pretend? I am 120% unwilling to pretend!" Looking at Ms. Mei with wide eyes, Huang Yinming seemed to be asking: Do you understand now? "But you probably didn't think at that time that it would have a tragic end?" After being at a loss for a while, Ms. Mei answered this question softly. As if he didn't understand very well, Huang Yinming's gloomy eyes flicked quickly across Ms. Mei's face, and then she burst into laughter; she turned around and asked with disbelief: "What tragic end?" "Your sister-in-law said, it's either a nunnery or a coffin!" "Is it a nunnery or a coffin? Scary, scared, scared!" Huang Yinming grinned grimly again.Ms. Mei couldn't help shivering, feeling that the laughter was too scary; the good impression she had for Huang Yinming just now disappeared immediately. "Since she underestimated her right to live like that, why was she jealous in the first place? And she was jealous for no reason?" Huang Yinming suddenly stopped smiling and said seriously. "This is also because she is a person, has feelings, and has a temper; and because she is a woman, she has female weaknesses that have been inherited for thousands of years." Ms. Mei tactfully gave a tit-for-tat rebuttal. "She should get rid of this weakness!" Huang Yinming screamed suddenly.It seems that she is a third party and has absolutely nothing to do with the current discussion.Ms. Mei pursed her lips and smiled.But inadvertently asked: "Then you are purely pranking, without love? But then you made the fake come true, don't you feel regretful?" This made Huang Yinming, who was like a wild cat, hang his head down.She sighed and lowered her voice to answer: "Because I am also made of flesh and blood, I am also governed by biology, I also have instinctive sexual desire; I fell into it. Regrets, no. I don't take it so seriously. I only hate I am too weak to use my will to control my emotions, but I let the momentary enthusiasm overwhelm my will! Now, I think, it is time for me to get rid of it; it is not because of my conscience, but because I am not happy to be involved in this kind of situation. But, Mei, remember what I said, my sister-in-law still can't be happy. Her character, and her husband, will not live in peace. Perhaps you will see it soon." Just as abrupt as when he came, Huang Yinming flew away. Ms. Mei leaned on the table in bewilderment, wondering if it was a dream.Those two words were still ringing in her ears: "I only hate that I am too weak to use my will to control my emotions, but let the momentary enthusiasm cover up my will." After a long while, Ms. Mei was just lazy. Standing up lazily, he took the "Student Tide" in which his article was printed and tore it to pieces, with a cruel and wry smile on his lips. Some confusion, some anxiety, and even some depression gradually accumulated in Ms. Mei's heart.Her self-confidence and optimism have long since faded. She despises everyone, and she also despises herself. She feels that people cannot be their own masters, and people often involuntarily do many things that they are unwilling or despise.Is this what is called fate?Mrs May does not believe in fate.But she also has to admit that there is indeed a force, an invisible thread, that is holding people's actions there, making things go against their wishes.Human beings are dualistic, contradictory duality.Since becoming a woman, Ms. Mei has been aware of this contradiction in nature several times, but she didn't understand the contradiction itself until she heard Huang Yinming's words. "Momentary enthusiasm overwhelms will!", that's what it is.Twice she had already fallen into a mire of passion, and now she was sinking deeper and deeper.And for some reason, he lost Zhenba's courage again.She thinks that people in the world can only be divided into two categories: one is animalistic, and that is ferocious.The other is human, but fragile.She herself belongs to the latter. "Frail people can't conquer the environment, even if it's just a 'wicker' environment." At the climax of boredom, she had such thoughts. When she received a letter from Xu Qijun reporting the hopelessness of finding a job for her, her hypothesis suddenly solidified and weighed heavily on her soul.The crucial sentence in the letter reads: What you asked me to find was hopeless.Elementary school teachers with 14 yuan a month are also overstaffed!When we were in Yizhou, we imagined how vast the society is. Now I have been working on your affairs for a few days, only to realize that the society is so narrow that it is really not easy for you to get into one.May, let's practice your "presentism" for the time being!I will definitely go back to Sichuan during the next summer vacation, and then we will have a long-term plan. Ms. Mei repeated these words over and over again, as if a scoop of cold water had been poured on her heart.But in this cold disappointment, it also made her more sober.For the first time, she knew the true shape of society, and at the same time, she also realized that she was not only fragile, but also saw things too easily, overestimated her own strength, and underestimated the obstacles of the environment. What she had seen, heard, and experienced in the past three months was completely turned up and poured into Ms. Mei's heart; she compared others with herself.In front of her consciousness, Mrs. Huang, Huang Yinming, Liu Yuchun, and herself were lined up side by side.She seemed to hear Liu Yuchun angrily telling how he struggled in the vortex of life; and she heard Mrs. Huang's words: Go bad!There is nothing that is not going bad all the time... I don't have the courage to look for it a second time... It's either a nunnery or a coffin, cough!Everyone lives to pursue something, but no one seems to get what he wants!She saw herself hanging alone in the void.Then Huang Yinming's grin and angry shout overwhelmed all the noise: She should get rid of these weaknesses! Ms. Mei raised her head abruptly, looked at the sunset outside the window, and said to herself in her heart: "Huang Yinming knows his weakness, Liu Yuchun will fight patiently, why can't I? It is true that things will turn bad unexpectedly, so what are you afraid of! I should have the courage to find the second time, the third time, or even countless times !" But she had to follow Xu Qijun's statement and implement "presentism" for the time being.Liu Yuchun's attitude towards her was not bad; the relationship between the two of them was smooth.These are Mrs May's "nows". The strict makeup of winter also begins now.Many trees had lost their leaves, and many birds had gone to hide somewhere.The earth has entered a period of "hibernation" of rest.Ms. Mei's mood is also similar.As the days passed peacefully, she almost felt that there was no need to beg for him.Although when the snowflakes fluttered for the first time, Liu Yuchun mentioned that they wanted to go back together, which made her feel a little uncomfortable, but she finally agreed.She returned to Liu's house two weeks before the end of the Lunar New Year, and then entered the new house where she had lived for three nights.Everything here is the same as when she left, except that the fat mother with strange eyebrows and eyes is no longer there, and a simple and young country girl is replaced.Liu Yuchun was busy with the New Year's business and didn't come back often at night, so Ms. Mei felt that this place was not much worse than her father's house.At some point in time, Ms. Mei had the impression that Liu Yuchun would be delighted to get together once in a while, but it would be abominable to be together every day.She looks forward to the year being extended to infinity. What is slightly unpleasant is that Mrs. Huang and Huang Yinming can't see each other often.Ms. Mei didn't like these two people, but now that they were far away, she felt like something was missing.She missed the actions of the pair of aunts and sisters-in-law very much.She would go to her father almost once a day just to see the two ladies. The old New Year is also here.According to local customs, Ms. Mei, who is still a newlywed, has been very busy for a few days.Just at this time, Ms. Mei knew that Huang Yinming was going back to Hankou immediately.During a hasty meeting, Huang Yinming said: "There was an accident the day before yesterday. My sister-in-law is going to commit suicide!" Ms. Mei's face changed, and Mrs. Huang's pale face appeared before her eyes. "So I'm going back to Hankou tomorrow and the day after tomorrow with my sister-in-law. Brother still refuses!" After adding this sentence, Huang Yinming left without giving Ms. Mei any more details.The next day, Ms. Mei found time to look for them, but she didn't meet them. Later, she heard that she had already left. This matter weighed on Ms. Mei's mind and helped her pass a lot of boring time.How did she infer that this accident happened?She wondered why Teacher Huang refused to let his wife go back?She also concluded that Mrs. Huang might have accidents on the way.She was just thinking about it in a daze, without any indignation or pity.It seemed that her emotions had been numb.But when these meditations are repeated countless times and she gets bored, her life becomes even more embarrassingly dull and lonely. Xu Qijun's letter was the only consolation.But letters are so few, so slow, and so short.Do you read a book?Can not relieve boredom.Articles with too many theories are not interesting, and provocative words often remind her of Mr. Huang who shouted "Down with the old ethics".She even tried to find some interest in Liu Yuchun.She really wanted to hear the indignation he used to tell him he was right after the last quarrel.But no.Liu Yuchun's recent attitude has been submissive and cautious; it is a kind of cautiousness for fear of causing trouble due to misunderstandings of tongue.He went out of his way to buy things and books for Madam Mei, as if he didn't think this was enough to repay the sensual pleasure Madam Mei gave him.Every second day of the carnival, when Ms. Mei sees Liu Yuchun buying her a lot of things, a rebellious feeling of shame rises from the bottom of her heart.She could see that Liu Yuchun had somewhat changed, "reformed" as he himself said, but this change was also repulsive: before he thought that Mrs. Mei was something that belonged entirely to him, now he thought Still have to use money in exchange for her favor.In the past, he was a feudal landlord, but now he is only a businessman under capitalism.So no matter how diligent Liu Yuchun was, the loneliness and desolation in Ms. Mei's heart could only deepen and thicken day by day. In order to have someone to talk to, Ms. Mei and Wei Yu exchanged letters again.I saw this young man once during the New Year, and he still had that kind of gentle and worried expression. He said that now he was reading Buddhist scriptures.He happily recited a passage from "Hundred Metaphors" to Ms. Mei.Ms. Mei is not interested in any Buddhist scriptures, but Wei Yu's eyes reveal an unusual joy and complacency. At that time, Ms. Mei had the following thoughts in her mind: "Scared, you are a fragile person, you really know how to anesthetize yourself, you really know how to find happiness!" Ms. Mei's intention in writing to Wei Yu now is probably to learn how to anesthetize herself and amuse herself.Although this feeling did not clearly surface in Ms. Mei's consciousness, she was very disappointed when she received Wei Yu's reply letter; Wei Yu's letter was full of sorrow and sentimentality, which in vain aggravated Ms. Mei's depression.She tore up the letter paper angrily, thinking to herself: "It seems that I must die of loneliness! Wei Yu also doesn't understand my feelings like this!" What exactly she wants, she has no clear idea.She was like a child who has not had enough sleep and has been awakened, and everything seems to be inappropriate, and everything arouses her aversion. Gradually, spring came to the world again.The heat of youth is fermenting in the blood vessels!Ms. Mei, however, seems to be an idle hero with no ambitions, bored all day long.Chun's spirit naturally touched her: she needed a little activity, she needed some venting, but there was no object.Liu Yuchun was often at home because the store was free.He probably also noticed that Ms. Mei was bored, and thought of some ways to make her happy.Nothing works.Ms. Mei found it annoying, at least it disturbed her dull silence.Especially now that Liu Yuchun was staying at home every night, his strong caresses and insatiable demands made Ms. Mei very frightened.It's just passive, just the feeling of being vented, and it flares up in Ms. Mei's heart every time.This notion swept away all sensual pleasure in the embrace; her breasts, which had previously felt electrified and numb when touched, now only made her skin tingle.After continuing to endure for about ten days, Ms. Mei had to sternly refuse: "No! I can't stand it. You should give me some rest, too!" So there was an interval of one day.But on the third day, the request was even more intense, and Ms. Mei was also in the mood to give it a try; the result was just as bad.Ms. Mei had no choice but to use her father's house as a refuge for the time being.Liu Yuchun followed and found him.He made an apology, vowed not to force it in the future, and finally asked Ms. Mei to go back. From then on, Liu Yuchun often stayed in the shop.Ms. Mei felt quieter, but the odd and annoying words blew into her ears one after another.Old Doctor Mei also vaguely mentioned it once or twice, as if blaming her daughter for letting her husband go crazy again.Madam May just bit her lip and smiled.It's fine if she wants to come here, she can go her own way, and when she leaves in the future, she can have nothing to worry about.She counted the days, and there was still one and a half months until the summer vacation. If there were no accidents, Xu Qijun should be able to come in two months. However, two months, how far away it is to want to go! After two or three days, Liu Yuchun would definitely come home and spend the night.At that time, there was a live drama between the two of them.Begging, coaxing, cursing, pleading again; Liu Yuchun seemed to have gone mad, and Ms. Mei remained cold and silent.In the end she gave in.She is like a child teasing a kitten with a velvet rope, until she has seen enough of the other's jumping, throwing and catching, she will not give it to him easily.In this way, she felt a little bit of the pleasure of taking the initiative.But when her soft body was embraced in strong arms, she suddenly remembered that it was inevitable that some filth from other people would be transplanted into her body, and she couldn't help but shudder, feeling endless disgust. This kind of experience, repeated regularly, gradually became a new depression, suffocating her.In a letter to Xu Qijun, there is something like this: "When it comes to my life in the past six months, I don't know how to describe it. My mood has undergone countless changes. I have to admit that my 'presentism' 'It's also bankrupt. Now this road is closed! Sister Qi, hurry, hurry, come back quickly!" Even so, she still seems to be at ease every day on the surface.Even in the letter to Wei Yu, she never revealed her depression.She thought it would be better not to complain to this vulnerable person.But Wei Yu seemed to know everything.On the day of Dragon Boat Festival, he went to pay his respects to old doctor Mei, and looked at Kong'er and said to Ms. Mei: "I regret that I didn't listen to you before, I never thought you couldn't be happy—" Ms. Mei glanced at him and smiled slightly. "I'm still not dead, and I can't think of it." Wei Yu added another sentence, with a bit of choking in his voice. "There are too many unexpected things, so I advised you not to think too far in the past. But now, I am fine. I just have the problem of forgetting. I forgot what happened yesterday, and I should forget what happened today tomorrow. Last year and the year before last, let alone. So, I said that I am fine now. It seems that the problem of 'will forget' is not the worst. Haha!" Ms. Mei turned around with a dry smile, but sneaked a sneaky look at Wei Yu.Wei Yu nodded blankly, as if he was chewing on these few words.Then, suddenly taking a step forward, he grabbed Ms. Mei's sleeve, struggling to say in a trembling voice: "You lied to me. You lied to me with words like this—to comfort me, to make my heart ache more! You can't forget it. I can't forget it either. If you were happy, I'm sure I'd forget everything, now , the facts are here, on the contrary, I will never die, never forget, and regret that I should not have listened to your words before." Ms. Mei turned her face to look at Wei Yu.After a few seconds, she gave a low sigh and said softly: "Now you can still listen to me. Quickly forget everything!" Wei Yu's pale cheeks glowed red with excitement, and he replied resolutely: "I can't! Because you are still suffering there." Madam Mei laughed unexpectedly.The pleasurable feeling like eating spicy peppers went straight through her whole body.For the first time in months of musty air, he felt fresh and alive.That's what she wanted: a desperate cry of rage!She said happily, as if alluding to something: "No! You still have to listen to me. You won't? I can teach you how to forget everything. Why don't you come to see me often?" "Then, I will definitely not go to Chongqing." While pondering, Wei Yu leaked out such a sentence, which seemed to be said to himself.But when he saw Ms. Mei's look of surprise, he added an explanation: "It hasn't been decided yet. I heard that the regiment headquarters has news about going to Chongqing. Now, even if I really want to go to Chongqing, I will definitely not go. I will resign." Chongqing!Is that Chongqing?A new idea suddenly came to Ms. Mei's mind.She looked at Wei Yu and said seriously, almost like an order: "Go! You must go!" Now it was Wei Yu who opened his mouth wide in surprise, not knowing how to answer. "You must go to Chongqing! Listen to me, you must go! Didn't you just say that you regret not listening to me before? Now, listen to me! In Chongqing, we can meet again. " The last sentence was very low, but very powerful; Wei Yu's heart couldn't help beating.Ms. Mei pursed her lips and smiled, cast a wonderful leer, and left Wei Yu. From that day on, the excitement and tension gradually increased in Ms. Mei's heart.She didn't see any green light of hope, and she never thought of any specific future plans. Even if she said to Wei Yu, "We can meet again in Chongqing", it was just a glance like a poet's inspiration, not well thought out. The result; she just felt that something change was supposed to be coming.Whether it is good or bad, in short, this dull situation is about to explode.It was only this vague psychological intuition that made her feel so excited.Like a half-drunk person, there is a red glow in front of her eyes.The ups and downs of reality are smoothed out in this way. She seemed to be looking forward to some inevitable development, she just hoped that the days would go by faster. She once told Wei Yu to write a letter after arriving in Chongqing, and to describe the journey from Chengdu to Chongqing in detail.The letter was finally delivered as expected.However, another letter came three days later, unfortunately, it was seen by Liu Yuchun.The letter was just half a piece of paper, and it only said that the journey was hard, that he fell ill suddenly, and was very lonely.Liu Yuchun pondered for a while, looked at Ms. Mei's face and said: "Cousin Wei's health is too bad. I'm about to send someone to Chongqing to handle the goods, so I asked him to go to the regiment headquarters and say hello for us. Don't you want to buy something for Cousin Wei?" 梅女士懂得这些干涩的话语里藏着什么用意，她忽然焦躁起来了。她并没回答，却匆匆地写了几行，就交给柳遇春： “回信也带了去。买东西，随你的意思罢。” 那天下午，梅女士去看望父亲，后来在自己的小房间内惘然站了几分钟，冷笑一下，便回到柳家。 天气斗然燠热了，梅女士常常是毛骨耸然打冷噤；她觉得自己的前后左右有许多侦伺的眼睛。柳遇春回家的更频繁，似乎也证实了梅女士的疑虑不是无根。六月已到尽头，梅女士所期待的什么变化或爆发，还是连影踪也没有。韦玉却又来了一信。他仍在病中，但给他痛苦的，似乎不是病而是变态的心情；他那信里充满了怨艾的话语，从未有过的对于梅女士的怨恨。结尾的几句是：“从前想死，现在要活了！要活！天天只有一句话在我心头盘旋：在重庆，我们又可以相见！天天却不见你来！你骗了我！只要再见你一面，我死也甘心；你是不来了罢？我回成都来看你！”梅女士将信纸撕得粉碎，狂怒地咬自己的嘴唇。 她扑在床上，心里反复自问：我骗了他么？我骗了他么？ 过去的一切又从头勾起。她回顾自己的生活，好像是一幅印坏的套板画，什么都配错了位置。为什么从前韦玉要那样畏葸，那样否定了自己生活的权利？而现在忽又这样的积极？“因为这都是爱”，梅女士只能作如是想。 于是她恍惚记得自己似乎确是曾和韦玉约过在重庆相见，可是不知怎地又骗了他；现在他病中要赶回来，怕不会送了命么？一句久埋在尘封的记忆中的话蓦地跳到梅女士的意识上：“我满心要做一些有益于人的事，然而结果总是相反；我就是这样的于人有害于己无益的怪物么？”这个观念，这个人生责任的自觉，以不可抗的巨力压迫她，使她陷入了从未有过的无助的悲泣。 晚上柳遇春回来时，看见梅女士的眼泡有些红肿，脸色又很灰白。他疑问似的尽对着梅女士瞧，心里盘算怎样用话来探索。梅女士左手托着下巴，懒懒地靠在椅背上，仿佛是倦极了。但当柳遇春挨近些正要说什么的时候，梅女士忽然惊醒似的挺直了身体，吐出一句兀突的话来： “明天我要到重庆去，探访一个旧同学。” 柳遇春愕然，可是又像早已猜透了一切，早已准备着有此一举，他看了梅女士一眼，含糊地用一句问话来回答： “再迟几天不行么？” "no!" 是坚决的绝无商量余地的宣言。柳遇春爽然点着头很机警地笑起来说： “那么，我送你去罢？” “你也去，再好没有了。” 梅女士赶快接上来答应，又抿着嘴笑。同时在她心里却掠过了这样一个观念：你真是又聪明又狡猾，我们来斗一下手段看罢。 似乎并没怀疑什么，柳遇春绝不追问梅女士的旧同学是谁何，却很高兴地讲他自己从前走这条“东大路”时所碰到的危险。他的眼光闪闪地射在梅女士脸上，似乎在说：“所以你一个人去，我是不放心的。”这许多话，这很有意义的眼波，梅女士却只理会到一半；她正在忙着别的一些感念。她的常能被慷慨的给与所感动的心，突又矛盾地酝酿起对于柳遇春的好感来了。她觉得这个从微贱中奋斗出来的人，多少也有几分可取，因而他现在的境遇，也就有几分可怜；如果不是已往两年间的种种说不明白的事故像罡风似的把人们的思想都吹转了方向，那么他们俩或者也可以相爱罢。Ah!一切点子都配错了，像拙劣的赌客手里的牌！ 这样的心情，在路上的几天中，蓄积得更浓厚，梅女士也不知其所以然。柳遇春的干才把一切都招呼得很好，并且因为是没有带用人，更显出柳遇春的善于体贴。到永川的旅馆过宿那一夜，梅女士在柳遇春的热烈的拥抱中，几乎流下眼泪来；她诅咒自己，她轻蔑自己，她很想把什么都说出来，她很想说：“我不应该这样磨折你，现在我只要到重庆伺候几天韦玉，他是快要死了，以后我们真心的好好的过活罢！”她终于没有说。一种奇怪的力量压住了她的舌头。她仅能用“到重庆后再对他开诚布公罢！”的预约来安慰自己。她第一次自动地满足了柳遇春所需要的一切快感。 第二天午后，他们到了浮图关。略带西斜的七月太阳很残酷地停留在半空，洒下炙肤的热力；每一块石头，每一片沙土，似乎都在喘息。轿夫们在一个茶棚前歇下肩来，用手在额上抓落一把一把的汗水。梅女士喝过茶，往后靠在轿背上，闭了眼。她知道此地离重庆只有十五里，一小时后便可以到了，便可以看见韦玉，以后呢——昨晚上的感想又挝住了她的心，她十分摇惑。 再睁开眼时，她看见一顶轿子正在她的左边停下来。轿夫的茶赭色的阔背闪开了，露出轿中的男子的面孔，那样憔悴，那样温和，富有女性，那不是韦玉么？梅女士心头一跳，伛出身体来细看。男子也觉到了，他睁大着虚弱的眼睛呆呆地向前瞧。嘴边轻轻地抖动，似乎想叫出来。“不是他，还有谁哟！”梅女士确定地想；然而柳遇春高喝“走罢”的声音已经破空而来，一个人影在梅女士眼前晃过，接着是她的身体往上一浮，便看见茶棚和树木飞快地往后退走，热风从对面扑来。 梅女士迷惘了半晌，这才后悔到应该先喝住了轿子，再认认明白。可是现在已经太迟了。 傍晚到重庆，住定旅馆后，柳遇春就遇到几个朋友，被他们拉着走了。梅女士觉得很倦，枯坐在房里猜想刚才的疑团。她的昏晕的头脑得不到结论，只是那憔悴温和的面孔，那一对睁得怪大的眼睛，时时在空中飘浮着。忽然一阵尖厉的铃声惊醒了她的沉思。她本能地推开房门向外望，看见对面的墙角就有一架电话机。于是轻松的微笑浮上了她的嘴角。 好容易接通了团部的电话，梅女士就找韦玉。第一次的回答是“没有这个人”，后来又说“不在”。梅女士还要问，耳边只有忒忒的闹响，对方已经摇断。 很失望地回到房里，梅女士便躺在床上。纳闷和疲劳，将她送入睡乡。无数的乱梦又帮助她度过了短促的夏夜。昏迷中她时时觉得有什么东西压在她胸前，透不过气来。她并没知道柳遇春是什么时候回来的，却在醒来时看见他已经穿得整齐地站在床前。 “十来天的旱路到底很辛苦罢！昨晚上你睡的像死了一般，抱起你来，你还是打鼾。怎样都弄不醒你。哈！” 柳遇春微笑着说。 no answer.梅女士翻过身去，眼睛又闭上了。 “本想今天去看望韦表弟的，谁知道昨天他回成都去了。” 短短的沉寂后，柳遇春又轻声地自语着。但是“回成都去”这几个字像尖针似的刺醒了惺忪的梅女士；她猛抬起头来问： "Who?" “韦玉。昨天在浮图关看见一个人，原就像是他。” 梅女士颓然又落在枕上，什么都明白了。柳遇春那时大概早就认清楚是韦玉，所以要喝令轿夫快走罢！也许竟是他用什么鬼计引韦玉离开重庆的，譬如捏名打一个电报，多么阴狠狡猾！然而即在前晚还想对他开诚布公哪！梅女士浑身透出一片冷汗。被骗被玩弄的痛感，又夹杂着对于柳遇春的憎恨和恐怖，重压在她的麻痹的神经上，竟完全忘记了韦玉那方面。她并不挂念韦玉的下落，仿佛韦玉已经死了，被柳遇春阴谋害死了。 “你的旧同学住在什么街？今天去找她么？” 看见梅女士苦着脸不作声，柳遇春换了方向说。 “我还是要睡觉。” 本能地回答了这么一句，梅女士翻身到里床去了。 好多时候，她不听得什么，不看见什么，也不想什么；她浮沉在异样的晕眩中。然后她抬起头来，向房里瞥了一眼。只有哑口的家具静静地蹲着。床前留有柳遇春的字条，说是须到晚上方能回来。梅女士拈着字条沉吟一会儿，忽然笑了；她跳起来换上出门的衣服，又从一本杂记册里检出徐绮君的住址看一遍，飘然走出了房间，脸上的气色是十二分镇定和坚决。