Chapter 37 December 26

Now my mind is still swollen, but there is something missing in my chest.Standing in front of the mirror, I couldn't help shouting to the person in the mirror: "Is this me too?" It's not surprising that I lost weight; I never imagined that a pair of eyes would be so dead! Who took the light from my eyes? ——meaning that I can still love, hate, and anger the glory! Xiao Zhao's misfortune once caused me to change mentally; Shunying once said that there was a "monstrous spirit" in my eyes, and worried that I would go crazy.Joke, why am I going crazy?Crazy to make fun of others?Crazy people hate?Moreover, in exchange for a little lukewarm so-called sympathy?But I also knew that there was probably a so-called "monstrous spirit" in my vision at that time - because there was an "ideal" burning in my heart, I suddenly felt relaxed and unencumbered; I despised the people around me even more, I imagined that I was about to make some moves, and I was about to soar into the sea and sky...

But now if I show Shunying again, she will definitely say that the "monstrous aura" in my eyes is gone; I have lost the brilliance of being able to love, hate and anger! This change happened in the last two or three days, unconsciously.Yesterday I brought up again to Songsheng and Chen Pang the "talk" I said to Shunying that day. Is this the completion of this change?I am self-reflecting at this moment, and I am very clear; it was yesterday that my gaze was withdrawn from the "sea and sky" again, and I focused on this "small circle"!Of course, I'm not completely without reason: one day in this circle, one day has to be dealt with!But hey, I always have a "reason" like this, when does it end?

Yesterday was some kind of Memorial Day,—a double-material Memorial Day, every street was full of lanterns and festoons.I don't see what people have to be happy about, to deserve such a carnival.I just find it disgusting.However, after nine o'clock, I was dragged into the dance floor by Shun Ying and the others. When I heard that the coffee and milk cost five yuan a cup, and the festive cakes cost fifty yuan each, I suddenly burst into a wicked smile from the "disgusting" :Oh shit!Why do you want me to be sad and sympathetic, crying with a sad face?To fool around is to fool around.Look, in the midst of the nonsense, I yelled at these ghosts and dogs, and made fun of them upside down; let me vent the bad smell and filth that have been accumulated for so many days to the nonsense!

It's a dream.Now all that is left to me is a swollen head and a tired mind, but there is something missing in my chest! In the "carnival" last night, there was also the "old Shibo" surnamed Zhou who I met at Shunying's house last time; he came down from the venue, wiped his brow with sweat, and said to me: "What a scene of peace! The scene of peace!" Then he leaned his head and whispered: "This is not an embellishment, but a wish. Peace is coming,-not the air, but the fact!" Hmph, it seems that this kind of "carnival" will continue?Who said they "have no heart"?There are hearts and livers, but they are the hearts and livers that pigs and dogs will not eat!It's a wolf heart!