Chapter 24 November 20

Serious change in one day, I was literally crushed.The internal organs and seven orifices, the limbs and the body, all seemed to be glued together——no, they were simply frozen!Am I still alive? Everything was lost—my wit, my loveliness, my unfeminine courage, my experience with ghosts, even my fierce hatred and calm patience! Usually the so-called "lost soul" is probably my mental state today—at this moment? As for my situation at this moment, only one sentence is the most suitable: hanging in the boundless space, up and down, front, back, left, and right, there is nowhere to go, and it is in the high altitude of "foggy Chongqing", hazy!

Today is the 20th, November 20th; this ominous day will forever leave a black mark in the history of my life.November 20th!It turned out that it was only eight days before and after.Only then did I realize that I only spent eight days with him!In these eight days, what on earth did I do?What good is it for me?for him?Yesterday I was conceited that I can't help it,--pooh!Can you still be stubborn and not underestimate yourself? When I rushed to nothing, and Comrade Ma quietly handed me the note he left behind, I remember that I was still able to hold on, and I still sneered, but this posture on the stage can make up for the hesitation in my heart At a loss, weak and incompetent?After all, I wasn't acting, but I still put on my usual acting expression at that time!Isn't that boring?

Then came the air raid siren again.I really didn't run away at the time.I ignored the emergency alarm, just sat in my room in a daze—I prayed that a heavy bomb would come down and turn me into a puff of smoke, no, everything around me, into a puff of smoke.I seem to have "determination".However——isn’t there also such a thought passing through my mind: "There may not be an enemy plane coming, and it must not drop bombs here." The "determination" that my prayer turned into a puff of smoke is still a kind of unconsciousness. The gesture of acting! Dare I say that I am not the most worthless person?

I usually claim that I still have the courage to endure the cruelest encounters, and I still have the courage to fight the people I hate, and I often imagine that if I lose the fight, I will be destroyed together; but what about today?I wait for a bomb to drop.But even when I did, I thought the bomb wouldn't drop in my face! Everything was gone, along with my self-confidence, even with my hatred. ——Suddenly remembered: Today I feel like a mother in the last half year of my life. "I'm still my mother's daughter! Pooh, pooh!"