Chapter 32 Chapter Thirty-Two

I am back. I stood in the cold rain in Nande, I saw the Nanmeng Mountain floating clouds, I walked into a street grocery store near the train station, and I dialed the cell phone of Lao Pan, the captain of the anti-drug brigade. Lao Pan's cell phone was turned off. I have never been to the anti-drug brigade, so I don't know where the courtyard that An Xin often talks about is in. Half an hour later, I stood in front of the window of the reception room outside the Nande City Public Security Bureau building. I handed over my ID card and asked to see Director Fang of the Political Department of the Public Security Bureau.

The reception room questioned me for a long time, asking me if I knew Director Fang, but I honestly said I didn't, and I wanted to find someone through him.Fortunately, the person in the reception room agreed to let me enter a small appealing reception room. After a while, a person came down from the building and told me that Director Fang was not there and had gone to a meeting and asked me what I needed.I said I was looking for someone. Director Fang knew a young lesbian named An Xin. Someone asked me to wait, so I went back to the building, and it didn't take long to return to the reception room, and another person came with me.They entered the house and asked me together, what I did, and how did I meet An Xin?I said that I was her fiancé and her lover. She ran away from home half a year ago, and I came to find her.They ask how can you prove that you are the fiancé at ease?I said Captain Pan and Captain Wu of the anti-narcotics brigade and some other people know me, and I was treated here last summer.

The two cadres looked at each other, took me into the building, and took me into a small reception room in the building, asked me to wait, and poured me a cup of hot tea.This time I had to wait a little longer, about an hour or so.An hour later, a few people came in from outside the house, and one of them I recognized immediately was the vice-captain surnamed Wu of the anti-narcotics brigade. Captain Wu also recognized me at a glance: "Yes, you are Yang Rui." Then he introduced me to another middle-aged man, "This is Director Fang of our Political Department." Director Fang and I shook hands with Captain Wu.They asked me to sit down, and their solemn and serious appearance made me hopeful. I think they must know An Xin's whereabouts, otherwise why would they come out to see me together? They wouldn't want to ask me about her whereabouts.

Director Fang first asked me: "How did you break up last year, and why?" I said, "I don't know why, she left a letter and disappeared." "What did the letter say?" "She said she couldn't have a relationship with me when her husband was dead and her son was dead, she said she was responsible for them." Director Fang and Captain Wu looked at each other, and both of them were silent for a moment, then Director Fang nodded and said, "Yes, as far as we know, she really thought so, so she came back to Nande. She hopes to continue working in the public security anti-narcotics work that she has always loved."

My heart, when I heard this sentence, suddenly stretched out, and I finally found the whereabouts of peace of mind!I smiled and said: "I thought about it, she is here, I have thought about it a long time ago, she is not in her hometown, she is here! I have been calling Captain Pan and her parents, but they are not Tell me, they all say they don't know where she went." Captain Wu interrupted: "This is based on Comrade An Xin's request. Maybe she doesn't want you to come to her again, maybe she's afraid it will affect your future life." After a moment of blissful silence, I said, "Can I see her?"

Captain Wu glanced at Director Fang and said nothing.Director Fang hesitated for a moment, and said, "Comrade Xiao Yang, I know you love An Xin very much, so I believe you will respect her choice. She returned to the battlefield and chose to fight, and unfortunately, she died last autumn In an anti-drug battle, she died heroically. The People's Government of Nande City has recognized her as a revolutionary martyr. We know that you and her once had a relationship, but we did not find you. Therefore, we only inform you about the death of Comrade An Xin her parents. Her relics, her martyr's pension and her martyr's certificate were handed over to her parents according to relevant regulations..."

That Director Fang talked a lot in a persuasive manner. I seemed to only hear the word "sacrifice". I repeatedly identified the meaning of those two words. .I lowered my head and covered my eyes with my hands. I didn't want the policemen opposite me to see my tears.My legs clamped tightly on the chair, trying to control the shaking of my body from crying.My whole mind was suddenly empty, and the muscles in my whole body were in deep pain from being twisted and twisted. I begged them with a distorted voice: "No, no, she didn't sacrifice! I want to see her! Let me see her..."

In the afternoon after this rainy day, they took me to meet An Xin.According to An Xin's parents' opinion, An Xin was buried in the Revolutionary Martyrs Cemetery at the foot of Nanxian Mountain together with the six anti-narcotics policemen and armed police soldiers who died in that battle.In front of their tombs, a half-person-high monument was specially erected, with a description of the battle and the heroic and fearless feats of the seven martyrs in encountering the enemy, written in half-literal and half-white language, concise and to the point.I saw that among the names of the martyrs listed in sequence, the second was An Xin.Those two characters were engraved handsomely and vigorously, much like her portrayal.I stroked those two words with my hands, and the wetness after the rain still remained on the words.I knelt down in front of An Xin and kissed her name lightly with my hot lips.That name was cold and lifeless.

I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want the police behind me to see it, and I don't want An Xin to see the blood in my heart.How could I have thought that when I went back to the bar and the nightlife of Liu Minghao and his gang, when Beibei and I had dinner every day and stayed overnight at her hotel, An Xin would already be lying silently here.I believe that in this quiet tomb thousands of miles away from Beijing, she must have heard our laughter and seen our lingering love. She must have cried with sadness when she heard and saw this. Although she said: You must be happier than me.But I still knelt in front of her grave, couldn't get up for a long time, and bowed deeply to her, I said: "Anxin, I'm sorry."

All I can say is this: sorry.I wanted you to be happier than me, happy with me, but I can't. I know that you want me to be happy, you said that I am happier than you.It is worth being cruel to yourself!You said it! On the way back to the city from the cemetery, I asked Captain Wu who accompanied me: "Before An Xin died, did she leave any words? Does she have any last words?" Captain Wu said: "No, they died in an encounter, and no one expected it beforehand." I wanted to ask: Did An Xin die miserably?But I didn't ask. Captain Wu said: "Our Captain Pan is handling a case in other places. He called just now. He heard that you are here and advises you to mourn. In addition, he also hopes that you can understand An Xin's behavior. Her behavior is very noble. We Everyone who knows her should be proud of her."

By the way, I remembered that An Xin and I had talked about the sublime. At that time, we were still moved by the real and not the fake and artificial sublime.For example, the story that Lao Pan told An Xin about the unsung hero who opened a gas station on the Shaxi Highway as an intelligence base is enough to make us admire and respect.But at that time, even with peace of mind, we worshiped heroes but did not intend to imitate heroes, we did not intend to engage in such great public and selfless careers, we did not intend to walk into an altar to "Prometheus" "Style warrior.At that time we were preparing to get married, and we were fantasizing about the worldly and happy life in the future. What we liked and moved more might be the romance and sadness of "Young Werther".Don't talk about me at that time, I'm afraid even An Xin would never have imagined that after a few months of chatting about topics such as great sacrifice and dedication, she really took such a path by herself. heroic path. Although I am not a relative of An Xin, and she and I have not yet become a formal husband and wife, the leaders of the Public Security Bureau still let me enjoy the treatment of a martyr's family. Arranged to live in the police guest house for free, and Captain Wu came forward and asked me in a formal manner what else I wanted.I said, I don't have any requirements, since An Xin's relics have been taken away by her parents, I want to go and see the places where she worked and lived, and I often hear her talk about those places.In addition, do you know where her parents are now? I want to see them too. I owe them my debt. I should go and see them. Captain Wu immediately accompanied me to the anti-drug brigade, and looked at An Xin's office, the desk she had used, and the chair she had sat on.He also took me to her single dormitory, and looked at that room; a stilted building built by the river.The stilted building is still vacant and has not been allocated to others to live in.I stood in front of the window and looked towards the opposite side, and saw the misty Nanxian River, but I couldn't see the raging kapok on the other side. Regarding the address of An Xin's parents, Captain Wu said that he did not know either.I asked: Does Captain Pan know?Captain Wu didn't answer, just said: Captain Pan is not here, he is handling the case outside. I can't come back for a while. I didn't ask again. I lived in Nande for two days. During these two days, I went to the stilted building alone, to the tea shop on Nanmeng Mountain, and to Anxin and Tiejun where we stayed last time. I also went to the residential building where An Xin and I lived together, which was converted from the Xuanfu Department into a hotel.I went to all the memorable places in Anxin in South Germany, not to say goodbye, but to pay tribute.I think I love Anxin, and I will miss her forever. I will definitely come back to these places in the future. In the early morning of the day I left South Germany, I brought a bouquet of flowers I bought the day before and went to the Revolutionary Cemetery at the foot of the mountain in the south again.The continuous rain has stopped, but every stone road and every tombstone in the cemetery is still wet, just like the tears in my heart that cannot be dried up.There is no one in the cemetery, and the fog in the morning after the rain is blocked between the tombstones.After searching for a long time, I finally found the cemetery of An Xin and the six martyrs.I put the bouquet of flowers in front of the stele, and stood silently for a long time.Although there was no one around, I still couldn't let my tears flow from my heart, and I said softly to the tombstone in my heart: Peace of mind, my lover, my wife, goodbye. As soon as the voice of farewell fell, I seemed to hear a response from the tombstone, as if someone was walking towards me step by step.As I got closer I could hear the voice coming from behind me.I turned around, and I saw Old Pan standing behind me.For some reason, when I saw Lao Pan, my tears flickered and finally fell. Lao Pan stared at me, slowly took out his right hand stuck in his coat, stretched it out in front of my eyes, loosened his five fingers, something fell out of his hand, fell to mid-air and stopped, on the thing There were two thin red ropes still dangling from Lao Pan's hands. On the other end of the red rope, there is a Gongguanyin! Through the fog in the morning, I saw the dignified jade face of Guanyin Bodhisattva, with faint brows and eyes, the same luster, and a natural expression. Old Pan's voice pierced through the clear mist, and came hoarsely. In the quiet cemetery, it almost brought some heavenly echoes. "Tell me with peace of mind, if you come, I will give you this, and you will understand when she tells you." I took the Jade Avalokitesvara with both hands, and the merciful and merciful Wang Avalokitesvara moved my body and mind like an awakening.I kissed that piece of light green jade, and I said, "I thought she didn't leave any words... They all said she had no last words." Lao Pan was silent for a moment, except for the sound of me swallowing tears, the cemetery was as quiet as a spiritual realm.Lao Pan's words are also like the footsteps of the distant valley, the footsteps are endless, like a huge and boundless sound field, covering everything in the world. "When she left, she said that the only one she was worried about was you, except her parents. She said, she can only ask this jade to bless you. She told you not to wait for her. She asked you You must be happier than her!" My tears hung on my face and stopped flowing.The teardrops, like my eyes, froze for a long time before I heard the question in my throat. "An Xin is not dead, is she?" Lao Pan didn't answer. His not answering is already an answer.As if in a dream, I asked again: "She's still alive, isn't she?" Lao Pan finally spoke again, and he said: "She asked me to tell you that the An Xin in the past is no longer there, and she told you not to look for her anymore. Now she is another person, someone you don't know. " I rushed up and grabbed Lao Pan's clothes. I couldn't tell whether I was excited or angry, and I yelled at him: "Where did you get her, and why did you let her hide her name? She didn't want to do it." I know she doesn't want to live her life in anonymity! She told me! Give her back!" Lao Pan's tall and big body didn't move at all under my tearing, he said calmly: "I don't want her to do it either, it's her own wish, it's her determination!" I froze, and slowly let go of my hand. I knew what Lao Pan said was right. Lao Pan never let An Xin get close to any danger. He treated her like his own daughter.An Xin was able to leave me and return to the battlefield, obviously she made up her mind to sacrifice everything! Lao Pan lightly tidied up his collar which was messed up by me, and said in a old voice: "In my whole life, there are not many people I really admire." He paused, and then said, "She counts as one!" I turned around, walked two steps into the mist without direction, and stood there again in a daze.I raised my hand and looked carefully at the Jade Guanyin in my palm.The kind image of Jade Guanyin seems to represent the most ideal motherhood in my mind, representing the great kindness and compassion of motherhood.I know I should be happy, anyway, An Xin is still alive, she is in the cause she is willing to devote herself to, and she will definitely experience happiness from it.We have talked about it before: that kind of truly noble person must be filled with great happiness in his heart! Old Pan's voice became softer behind me, like a father asking his children, he asked: "Do you admire her?" I didn't answer, I put the Jade Guanyin, which symbolizes peace of mind, around my neck, stuffed it into my clothes, and placed it on my heart.I said: "Please tell her that I have gone back to Beijing. I will always guard our home, and I will always be at our home, waiting for her!" I wiped the tears from my face, and walked out of the silent cemetery alone... I went back to the guest house to get my things, and went out to the train station.When I was going out, an old comrade at the service desk of the guest house stopped me and asked, "Hey, young man, Captain Pan from the anti-drug brigade came to look for you this morning, did you find him?" I went back to Beijing. I went back to the original Jockey Club and resumed my old business. I worked hard every day, and I never went to clubs and restaurants at night.In order to earn a little more money, I also found a job as a tutor.I lived frugally, and every month I sent 1,000 yuan to Lao Pan, the captain of the Nande Anti-drug Brigade, and asked him to forward it to An Xin's parents.Her parents were apparently transferred to other areas by the public security organs for protection.The police have police rules, and it is inconvenient for them to tell me the location, but Lao Pan promised to pass on my money and my heart.If he is An Xin's contact person, I think An Xin should know about these situations, she must know!Because Lao Pan never advised me to stop waiting foolishly in the subsequent conversations with me.Of course, he never revealed even a tiny bit of information about An Xin to me.This is their discipline. All my colleagues, friends, and my father asked me if I was looking for a girlfriend again, and I said yes.They all showed surprised and curious expressions, and asked, "Oh, what are you doing? Why don't you bring them here for us to see?"I said: She is not in Beijing, she is in other places.Of course, they still have to get to the bottom of it: In other places?What does she do?I said: I'm sorry, what she does is a secret! I think that one day An Xin's organization will let her retire. As long as she doesn't die, they will one day let her enjoy the stable and peaceful life of an ordinary person that she should enjoy, so I will wait for her! I was home on time every day from work, except to earn that tutoring money twice a week.When I sleep, I always take off the Jade Guanyin, which is warmed by body temperature, and put it upright on the empty pillow beside me, which symbolizes sleeping with me in the same bed with peace of mind.Before turning off the lights every day, I never forget that he will open the door between the bedroom and the living room. I am afraid that I will not hear the knock on the door in the middle of the night if I fall asleep.