Chapter 31 Chapter Thirty-One

Happiness has different meanings and standards for everyone. For me, being able to live with the one I love is the greatest happiness. Therefore, the days without peace of mind have become a kind of torment that I have never experienced, and I live in panic every minute and every second.Time passed day by day, and my fantasy was shattered day by day.I used to be lucky, hoping that An Xin just ran away from home because of a moment of emotional confusion, and she would come back when she calmed down after a few days away and thought of me.Every day when I come home from get off work and open the door, I imagine that there will be lights and sounds in the room, and when the door is opened, Anxin will rush over and snuggle in my arms, muttering sorry and missing words.But every time I opened the door, the room was completely dark and silent. This dark room with no sound made me die again and again.

Every once in a while in those days, I would call Lao Pan from the Qingmian Mass Cultural Center and Nande Anti-drug Brigade, and ask An Xin's mother and Lao Pan about An Xin's whereabouts.An Xin's mother said that not long ago they received a phone call from An Xin to greet her parents and report her safety, but they have not heard from her since.Lao Pan simply told me that An Xin had never contacted the team since she recovered from her injury and left Nande, and no one here knew about her.After autumn, when I called again, Pan's cell phone was always unanswered, and An Xin's mother's phone number seemed to have changed, and the line was always busy after calling countless times.The busy beeping sound over and over again made my mood gradually turn from burning to freezing.

I wrote a letter to An Xin's parents again, and the letter was sent to the Qingmian Mass Cultural Center.Eight days passed, and two weeks passed, and the letter fell into the sea, and there was no reply.A month later, the post office actually returned the letter intact, with a typed note crookedly pasted on the envelope, saying: No such person was found. Holding the returned letter, I was stunned for half an hour! Time passed day by day, and I became numb day by day, no longer expecting miracles to happen.I don't even go home after work, I don't want to go back to the darkness and silence alone to chew on the desolation.Either sleep in the work unit, or go out with colleagues to go clubbing late at night and spend money to get drunk. When drunk, I will say a few nasty jokes out loud, so that the feeling of heartache will be worn away by alcohol in the painless laughter.I haven't been to the bar for a long time, and the crowded and noisy place is like a historical sign, which made me flash back to my past in a few seconds.All the ups and downs, all the grievances and grievances flowed in front of my eyes in an orderly manner, after which I seemed to have returned to the original starting point.Drunk eyes blurred, confused, I have never left here in a trance, never experienced any unforgettable encounters, which makes me more and more eager and indulge those late night drunks, because I can always find some consciousness when I am awake, including me Already tired of sadness and depression.

The people I often meet in places like bars are the half-acquainted friends in the past, as well as the girls I used to date.When you meet friends and friends, you always have to talk nonsense together, all of which are irrelevant nonsense.I deliberately avoided and indifferent to those girls, seeing them would make me unable to help to make a certain comparison, compared with An Xin, they are all vulgar, and I am not interested in them all.I don't want to think about peace of mind because of this comparison.An Xin has left and will not come back, it does not belong to me anymore.This page in my history, no matter how touching, has been completely turned.The past history will never be turned back, I can only torture myself if I blindly fall into the past!

I also ran into Liu Minghao at the bar, only once.He was with a few business friends, drinking listlessly, and looked very old.He said that he was going to marry Li Jia soon, so it was inconvenient for him to come out and fool around all the time.He asked me what I was doing now and why I couldn't see anyone all summer.I didn't talk about the time when An Xin and I went to Yunnan, so it's a long story.I was in a bad mood and didn't want to nag anyone, and I didn't want to exchange my booing for other people's surprise.I just said lightly that I'm working at a horse racing club and I'm too busy with work. Is there anyone among your friends who likes horseback riding? You introduce him.Liu Minghao asked for my business card, saying that he just likes to ride a horse. If you have time, go over there to see how far you are?I said, "It's not too far. It takes ten minutes to drive east from Sanyuan Bridge."He asked: What about Anxin, where does she work?Have you finished your work?I didn't answer, noncommittal.He also said: I didn't expect this girl to be so capable. She changed you into a different person, and now you don't like to come out, don't like to talk, and don't tell your buddies about anything. I will get married in the future. But don't be like you.I drank my head down, and smiled at him when I drank the wine. I smiled and said that I had blown up with An Xin, really, I lied to you bastard.He smiled dubiously: Are you fighting again?Both of you are children, it's normal to quarrel together, just quarrel.I called the waiter to get the wine, and said: We really blew it. It's been a long time since she left, and she probably went back to her hometown.Seeing my expression, Liu Minghao was a little convinced: why?Is it your problem or her problem?Or is it because of the kid?I didn't speak, and went on drinking again.Seeing that I was in a bad mood, Liu Minghao put on the posture of a comrade in the trenches, comforted me and said: Heck, Li Jia and I don't know how to live from now on.I'm like you, if I can't get it right, I'll blow it up in the end!The old master Confucius said it well, but it is difficult to raise a villain and a woman!

Liu Minghao and I also have grievances, but we are still friends.I also can't figure out whether a person like Liu Minghao is a gentleman or a villain.But no matter what, Liu Minghao is a special character in my life.The three most important girls that appeared in my experience were all met and dated because of him. Both Liu Minghao and I were drunk that day.We wandered out of the bar crookedly in the middle of the night and stopped a taxi in the middle of the road.When we broke up, Liu Minghao yelled at me inarticulately: "Hey, Yang Rui, I want to open some, if you don't go to the old one, you won't come to the new one, so I'll send you a good one! You like to have a new one now! It’s still familiar, huh?”

I waved my hand and said nothing.After waving my hand, I got into the taxi, and as soon as I got in the car, I threw up, all over the seat.The driver got out of the driver's seat, pulled me and forced me to lose money.Liu Minghao also came over, and we two drunks entangled with that unlucky driver for a long time.Later, I also forgot whether to pay or not, and then I went home without knowing what happened. It seemed that Liu Minghao sent me back... I completely forgot about the whole process. Gradually, after getting drunk a few times, my mood calmed down, and I was not so desperate for life.In the eyes of my managers and colleagues at the Jockey Club, I was back to normal.

They also all knew that my fascination for a while was due to a broken relationship.The manager put me on the back office for a few weeks, then sat me back on the duty manager's desk after seeing that I was all right and looked normal, and everyone was happy that I was out of this misery. In the early morning of the third day after I was "reinstated", a guest came to the club, a young girl.As soon as she entered the front hall, she went straight to the desk of the manager on duty, and walked up to me without asking to sit down.I was on the phone at that time, and it was a foreigner calling to book a banquet. I made a gesture of sorry and please wait to the female guest who sat down in front of me, and wrote down the time proposed by the foreigner on the phone. , the number of people and related requirements, and then negotiated with him on the price, venue and table shape, etc.After the phone call, I didn't sort out this messy record for the time being. I raised my head and cast a gentle and professional smile on the female customer opposite, but the smile was only "professional" for a few seconds and immediately froze on my surprised face. .

We looked into each other's eyes and I said, "Oh, you're Babe!" It was Bei Bei who hadn't seen me for a long time. She smiled at me and said, "You are Yang Rui." I was a little embarrassed and didn't know what to say.Seeing Beibei was like seeing my past, and I said, "Uh... when did you come to Beijing? Do you want to ride a horse when you come to our place?" Beibei looked at me with a smile, looked at me for a long time, and then said: "No, I don't want to ride a horse." My language and expression were a little dull and stiff, I said: "Oh, then...do you need me to do anything for you?"

Beibei smiled at my businesslike face and said, "Then I'll book a banquet table too." I immediately took out the reservation form and pen, and the "professional smile" was restored on my face, and the expression and words showed corresponding hospitality: "Okay, what standard banquet do you want to order?" Beibei said, "What's the standard on your side?" I made an introduction very quickly: "The minimum standard for our banquet here is 250 yuan per person, and the maximum is 1,000 yuan per person, excluding drinks and room charges, and an additional 15% service charge is required , we give free flowers for the cloth stage, if you are a member, we do not charge service fees, and the room fee is 50% off..."

Beibei interrupted me: "Then set the highest standard." I wrote down the price on the reservation form, and then asked, "How many people do you order?" Beibei said: "Four." I wrote it down and asked, "What time do you book?" Beibei asked back: "What time is convenient for you?" I looked up and froze. Beibei said generously: "I invited my cousin and her boyfriend, and I also invited you. I hope you will appreciate it." On this night, sitting in the most luxurious banquet hall of our club, I enjoyed our own service and delicious food as a VIP for the first time.Liu Minghao and Li Jia also came, all of them in splendid attire.Liu Minghao pulled me and winked, and said with a pun, "Hey, don't forget that I brought you this big client. You must catch me and don't lose it carelessly!" It is a happy thing to eat with Beibei.Beibei is a cheerful and straightforward girl. Her thinking habits, perspectives on issues and ways of expression are very different from those of us in mainland China, but she and I get along very well.Bebe suggested after we had a good dinner of a high standard that we went to the Boys and Girls bar where we had met.The four of us squeezed into a Charade taxi and went into town together, playing Boys and Girls almost all night.Beibei and I hugged each other and danced very happily.That was the first time I laughed and danced happily after An Xin left, and I completely forgot about An Xin that night. Yes, if I can forget An Xin, I should forget An Xin! On the third day of dancing with Beibei at "Boys and Girls", I didn't know why, but I took the initiative to call the Hilton Hotel where she was staying, and asked her if she would like to come out and find a small restaurant where ordinary people in Beijing go to have a meal, and I will treat her.Beibei asked me meaningfully on the phone why I thought of inviting her to dinner, was she afraid that she would be too bored in Beijing alone?I was silent for a moment, and then blurted out: No, I am a little bored. I said, "Are you free? If not, fine." Beibei was also silent for a while, and then said: "Of course I'm free." In the next few days, Beibei and I ate together almost every night.In those clean little restaurants in Beijing, I told Beibei about our Beijing, from places of interest and historical sites to anecdotes in alleys, and everything that is popular among young people in Beijing now.Then, I listened to Beibei talk about the United States, about American basic necessities of life and family values, about how to see a doctor, drive, withdraw money, and go to court in the United States... The topics of each other are both fresh and full of unfamiliar knowledge for each other.Such conversations made us quickly speculate and appreciate each other.Once after dinner, Beibei took me to her room in the Hilton Hotel, and we continued to chat domestically and internationally until very late.When I was leaving, Beibei saw me off at the door of the room. Before opening the door, we said goodbye to each other, feeling that each other's voices were a little strange, and then our eyes stopped on each other's faces.Finally, after staring at each other, Beibei leaned against the wall of the corridor by the door and closed her eyes.I knew I should kiss her, and I did.I kissed her face and her lips very lightly.After the kiss, I said, "See you tomorrow." The next night we still had dinner together, and after dinner we still went to Beibei’s restaurant to chat, and after the chat we still looked at each other and then kissed, and after the kiss, we asked for each other. When we woke up the next morning, the room with the open curtains was flooded with red sunlight.The color of the sun makes our naked and smooth bodies especially beautiful.Overwhelmed by our youth and beauty, we demanded each other again.This was the first time I touched a woman's body after An Xin left. For some reason, this was also the first time I felt a faint sense of shame after doing this kind of thing with a girl.I feel sorry for my peace of mind. On that morning, Beibei accompanied me to the coffee shop on the third floor of the hotel to have breakfast.Before breakfast was over she suggested to me that we go to America with her.I could see that Beibei was serious, and that morning she had decided to marry her for life. A week later, Beibei left and went back to the United States.We communicate with each other frequently, and we talk on the phone. The content of the letters and phone calls is mainly to say some love words about missing and loving, and the other is to talk about the progress of my formalities for going to the United States.Beibei said that the words of admiration and miss are more direct, and those words are always spoken with fire.What I said was more subtle, warmer, and less explicit.For this reason, Beibei always complains that I am too cold to girls, but at the same time, she also says that she likes my character.She took my reaction to her as character.She said it was more masculine and cool.Beibei hates men who talk too much and show too much. Maybe only I know in my heart how reluctant and insincere I am when I say those words of love to Beibei.It's not that I don't like Beibei, but I can't help asking myself: Don't you love An Xin?Do you still love An Xin? But I know I should go, I should go as far away from home as possible.It's not that I don't love An Xin, but An Xin forced me to leave.It was she who took an irresponsible attitude towards our love, left a farewell paper and disappeared.I stayed in Beijing and stayed at our home, and I couldn’t get rid of the shadow of An Xin. If I wanted to forget everything and get a new life, I had to leave here far away, just like An Xin left Yunnan and came to Beijing in order to avoid pain and survive. I should go, this is an opportunity. From autumn to winter, on the morning when the first snow fell after winter, I took off from Beijing’s new airport on a plane of Northwest Airlines, and swayed left and right in the air in half a circle, and then calibrated the direction , flew east.I tried my best to look down through the oval plane window, trying to get another glimpse of the wet and blackened homeland below, but outside the window was covered by clouds and fog, and I couldn't see anything. The day before I left Beijing, I stayed at home all day without going out.I dug out everything that An Xin and I have used together, everything that can witness us being in love and living together, including Bear's clothes and toys.I watched and stroked them for a long time, and shed my last tears for peace of mind and for the little bear.Then, I put them away—one by one, and put them in their respective positions on the day when An Xin left. Like when An Xin left, I cleaned the house carefully, and then left a letter for An Xin.When I wrote the letter, I stubbornly thought that she might come back here one day and see the dust in the room and the unsealed envelope on the table. An Xin: Honey, are you finally back? Tomorrow, November 17, 1999, I will fly to America and never come back.Unless you want me back!I wanted to give you my whole life, but you don't want it.I originally wanted you to live a happy life all your life, but this can no longer attract you.You have your own choice, but unfortunately I don't know what you chose until now.You left me with pain that I can't get over and get rid of, you are different from any girl in this world, you make it hard for me to forget you!so i have to go.I want to go far away, to a place that is absolutely strange, so that I can forget you, just like you have forgotten me. Stop writing, I'm going to cry, I don't want to cry for you anymore.I still can't believe that we parted ways so quickly to live completely different lives and have nothing to do with each other!is this real?Maybe only when the plane takes me off the ground tomorrow will I believe it's true, that it's all true. Will we meet again?When we are all old, will we still think of this place?Remember to visit this little house we once had together again?If that day comes, I will still kiss you like I used to, no matter how old you are.If at that time you wanted to start over with our lives in this humble hut, I would agree.No matter where I am at that time, whether I am poor or rich, whether I have family and children or grandchildren, I will come!I will tell my family and children and grandchildren that I had an unforgettable love when I was young, and I can't forget this love!I think as compensation for being kind to them all my life, they will let me go! Yang Rui still cried after I wrote it. I wept and sobbed like a child.I put the despair and fantasy that I have to confide for so many days, together with my tears, on the paper.I put all my desperate fantasies and tears in an envelope.The envelope was placed on the bedside table on the side where she usually sleeps peacefully, with no letterhead or signature on it. That night I took a taxi to Liu Minghao's house, and I gave him a set of keys to my house for safekeeping.If An Xin can't find me when she comes back, I think she will come to ask Liu Minghao.Among my friends, only Liu Minghao is familiar with her. Liu Minghao took the key, smiled, and reminded: "Since you are with Beibei, you can't be in Cao Ying and your heart is in Han." I do not speak. Liu Minghao also stopped laughing, and asked again: "Have you bid farewell to your father?" I shook my head and said, "No, I don't want my dad to know that I've gone abroad. If he knows, he must take this house back. It's my nest and An Xin's, and I want to keep it. Besides, maybe when I will Bei is tired of me, I am not familiar with the place in the United States, if I can't stay, I have to come back." Liu Minghao nodded, but said, "Cough, why do you think so much?" I said, "Maybe I really grew up and matured, and everything is not so straightforward. When you are good, you have to think about the bad, and when you start, you have to think about retreat. Women are fickle." Liu Minghao nodded again, but smiled: "Cough, I think you're going crazy, it's An Xin's fault." The next day, it was Liu Minghao who drove me to the airport. Seeing that I was taciturn on the way, he said a lot of encouraging words: going abroad is a good thing, learn skills and see the world.Besides, if you really become Beibei's husband, then you will reach the sky in one step in life.Go back to Beibei's family property and find another official position. When you become powerful in the future, don't forget to be patriotic. Waiting for you to return to China to invest and send us a little business, I will put the words on the table today, don't forget if you want to come back! Actually, Liu Minghao didn't know that I went to America just to forget everyone. If only I could forget everyone! America is new to me, Beibei's home is new to me, and everything here, inside and out, is so strange.This strange environment really made me forget the past. The people and things in the past have become very far away, but nothing but peace of mind. I had a hunch early on that coming to America might be a failure because I couldn't forget the peace of mind.Although life in the United States is nothing like my past life, every detail of basic necessities of life reminds me of peace of mind.The longer the time goes by, the more I want to see and touch the things related to peace of mind stored in the two huts in my house. My thoughts seem to be lost because I can't find the environment to unfold and the objects to sustenance It seemed extremely painful. One day, Beibei and I were shopping in a shop run by Chinese people. I suddenly saw a familiar CD on the shelf. It was "Happier Than Me" by Chen Xiaodong. I bought it immediately and urged Beibei to Bei went home.After returning home, I listened to that song over and over again for several days, which made Beibei feel strange. She also listened to it, but couldn't tell why. She said, "Is this song good? I think it's very common." How did Bei Bei know that this is An Xin's wish for me.It sounds to me now, and to me, who is in a foreign country and enjoys the delicacies of a luxury house, it also sounds like my wish and expectation for peace of mind: please remember that you are happier than me, so that it will not take me to quit in vain. Love doesn't need to be sorry to make up for it, don't care if I want it or not, whether I'm lonely or not, don't care, please be happier than me! ... I was listening to this song, standing in front of the window, looking at the gloomy sky in Los Angeles, when I thought for the first time, I have to come back!