Chapter 10 chapter Ten

The train I took went to the South at six o'clock in the morning. The first small station I stopped after entering the South was called Lyon. At first glance, it sounded like I was in the south of France.Since Leon, the train has become more and more procrastinated and stops more and more frequently, and the short-distance passengers on the train go up and down, constantly changing.The composition of the guests has also obviously changed, a bit like the rural areas encircling the city.It is more and more common for people to crowd into the car, carrying big baskets and small baskets of agricultural goods, squeezing around in the car like going to a market, yelling loudly in unintelligible dialect. Under the harassment of these people, I lost my mental strength. It's exhausting.

What made me feel the most tired was the young couple on the bunk opposite me who had never changed.They took a pair of twins who were about two years old, a pair of twins.They called the boy Little Brother and the girl Little Princess.Brother for a while, Gege for a while, I can't tell who they are calling with their accented tones.Even those two tireless, squatting and jumping children who have no tutor at all often make mistakes.When calling for elder brother, Gege would answer, and the parents enjoyed it, and probably also had enough of the addiction of "Huang Ama" and "Huang'er Niang".

In all honesty, I don't like children very much, maybe I haven't reached the age to like children.I always feel that I can’t do anything with a child around me. One is too noisy, and the other is that the child will use various means to attract the attention of adults, making himself the center and making everyone else a foil. This makes me feel boring.I've never been able to figure out what it would be like to have a biological child of my own.will i like itFor a person like me who does not yet have the desire to be a father, it may be difficult to appreciate the joy of a family relationship.

The funniest thing is that a year and a half ago, when I was younger than I am now, I was already identified as the father.I was accused of being an irresponsible, sneaky, morally corrupt father.At that time, I had never even seen the child's face.Because of this child, I didn't want to forgive An Xin, and I once had a fierce quarrel with An Xin. The quarrel about this child is still fresh in my memory. When the Third Ring Furniture City opened for business that morning, I even arrived earlier than An Xin.When she came to her furniture booth, I was already sitting on the big pink leatherette bed, waiting for her with an angry face.

She saw that I was waiting here so early and saw the undisguised resentment on my face, I think she should understand, but she remained calm and even greeted me calmly as if nothing happened ."You're so early," she said. I was silent for a while coldly, and asked back: "Why are you late, did you just drop off the child?" An Xin stood there motionless and looked at me. She probably expected that I would ask the child when I came up today, but the thorns in my words and the way I vented my anger still hurt her.She stood awkwardly for a long time before saying, "I will explain to you about the child when I find time."

I followed up and said: "You should explain to me now. I told you everything about me, but you kept everything from me. How many secrets do you have? ?” My voice was a little unscrupulous, An Xin looked around in panic, and said, "Yang Rui, I'm working now. You know it's not easy for me to find this job. I can't be without a job!" When it comes to work, I get more emotional and more vicious: "I don't have a job now! I can't live without a job!" After I finished speaking, I turned my head and strode away. I walked out of the gate of the furniture city.There was a wind in the street, the sky was full of dust, and the air was suffocating.I turned up my collar and stood by the side of the street, not knowing where to go.

An Xin chased her out, her hair was messed up on her face by the wind, she couldn't tell whether it was desolate or cruel.I glanced at her, felt pity in my heart, and murmured in a low voice, as weak as I was talking to myself: "You go to work, I'm leaving." She didn't move, she looked at me blankly, and said for a long time: "Are you really out of work? Is it because of me?" I turned my head. I didn't want her to show me any sympathy or remorse.I stared blankly at the rolling traffic on the Third Ring Road.This is really a busy city. In such a city, there are countless stories of joys and sorrows happening in so many corners every day!But the whole city is like this file of traffic.

No one will stop to pay attention and sigh a few words.Everyone is buried in their own lives, and everything else is business! So I had no choice but to let out a sigh, and I said to An Xin: "Go to work quickly, don't lose your job again. You are right, work is really important to you. I didn't know you had children before." An Xin obviously wanted to apologize, and wanted to explain: "Yang Rui, I should have told you about the child, I should..." I interrupted her with a wave of my hand, as if to tell her that explanations don't matter, everything!I said: "Your secrets, your privacy, and your past are all your private affairs. I have no right to ask, and I don't want to ask."

An Xin didn't leave, she didn't even take her eyes off my face.I could feel her apology even though I was facing the road.She said, "Are you really out of work, is it really because of me?" I said, "Yes, they thought I was the father of that child!" An Xin said seriously: "Go and tell them that you are not! I can go with you and say that the child has nothing to do with you! The child is not yours at all!" I turned my head and looked at An Xin. After a long time, I gritted my teeth and said, "I know it's not mine!" After a pause, I asked, "Whose is it?"

An Xin lowered her head: "I should have told you a long time ago..." Although she lowered her head, I could still see tears streaming from her eyes, and the strong wind immediately wiped away those few hot tears without hesitation. Blown to pieces.She said: "I keep it from you because I like you, I like you, so I'm afraid you won't be able to bear it if you find out. You are kind to me, really... I know you are kind to me, how can I open my mouth and say goodbye to you?" You say these things..." An Xin burst into tears, unable to cry.It wasn't the first time she cried to me, but it was the first time she said openly that she liked me.My heart was suddenly surrounded by soft and warm emotions, and I embraced An Xin.

An Xin also hugged me, and we hugged each other tightly regardless of the sideways glances and sneers of passers-by.All resentment and dissatisfaction are trivial at this moment.We embraced each other's bodies, our mutual grievances and common sufferings, and embraced a feeling of being dependent on each other.Feeling this mood makes people want to cry, but at the same time there is an indescribable joy and comfort. We cuddled for a long time, the wind blowing through us and making us numb.I said softly: "Go back to work, don't lose your job. If you want to say something to me, you can come to me at night." I let go of her, turned and walked across the street without looking back like a grown man. During the day, I went to Guoning Company for the last time.Did not see the Zhong brothers and sisters.But the eyes of the people in the company looked at me obviously unnaturally, and there was always a murmur behind me.I cleaned out the office stuff, took my personal stuff, sorted out the things that belonged to the company, and left them in the house, along with the keys to the office and filing cabinets. Before I left, I went to the secretary next door and told her that I had resigned, should I check and hand over the things in the office to her?She hesitated for a moment and told me to go back and wait.Ten minutes later, she actually brought two company security guards into my office and counted things without saying a word, and even asked to check the personal items that I wanted to take away. She usually looked overly enthusiastic and innocent. The smiling face was gone at this moment.I grinned slightly and looked at her carefully.She avoided looking at me, twisted her face and only looked at those things.I looked at her not out of condemnation, but out of sheer curiosity.I never could have imagined that her obedient face, which is always smiling, could make such a fierce and cruel expression. After leaving Guoning Company, I took a taxi and went home directly.I called my dad when I got home.I said, Dad, I blew it with Zhong Ning, I have resigned today, let me tell you.My dad was in a hurry with me on the phone: what, and why?Is it because of what is called peace of mind?I am right!My dad said why are you so stupid... I hung up the phone without listening to him. At night, when it was dark, peace of mind came.We made coffee and sat cross-legged on the rug facing each other, leaning on the sofa as before.Neither of us ate, or felt hungry, so the coffee tasted bitter.This probably echoes our feelings at this time.Bitterness is precisely what moves us the most right now. An Xin said: "About that child, what do you want to know? Who is his father?" I smiled slightly: "I think I already know who his father is. It's not difficult to guess." An Xin looked at me without any surprise, she asked calmly, "Who did you guess?" I pondered on purpose, and with the same calmness, I replied, "It's the one named Pan, the one who paid you back the money, right?" Yes, it's the one with the surname Pan, I should have thought of it earlier.From An Xin crying to him on the street corner that night, until he paid off the debt for An Xin, they are obviously not ordinary friends.If he was the father of the child, everything would fall into place, it would all make sense.The only thing that makes me feel awkward is that this man surnamed Pan is too old, he can almost become An Xin's father. I don't want to speak ill of the man, I could have made some good sarcasm about the creases on his face, but I'm afraid of hurting An Xin.I just said: "That man, don't you think he is too mature? Doesn't it feel safe to find a mature man?" An Xin frowned at first, it was a surprised expression, and then she smiled: "You guessed where it was, why did you think it was him? He is my boss, and he is helping me sincerely!" "Boss?" I was a little taken aback, "What boss? You and him, what are you doing?" An Xin avoided my gaze, she didn't answer.She turned her face out of the window, perhaps thinking about how to answer me, she hesitated so much that even I was a little overwhelmed.I want to make a joke to relieve her, I want her to know that I don't care about anything, and nothing has to be hidden in front of me. "Aren't you some underworld gang?" My jokes were taken to the extreme to help her relax.An Xin didn't smile, but at least the lines on her face had been relaxed.Under the last ray of the setting sun, that face was still beautiful, still tender, pure and innocent, which made it inevitable that her deliberately calm voice did not match. "Yang Rui, let me tell you, I haven't been to any Guangping Teachers College, nor have I been a teacher in any middle school in South Germany. The old Pan you mentioned is the captain of the Narcotics Brigade of the South Germany Public Security Bureau, a second-level police officer. Superintendent, I am one of his constables." My heart was pounding, An Xin said that she was a policeman and she said that she was a gangster, which was as shocking as it was almost unbelievable!Just as I couldn't see that An Xin was already a mother anyway, I couldn't tell from her still naive face that she was an anti-drug policeman who walked through the hail of bullets! I was really in a daze, and I couldn't pretend to be calm anymore. I murmured, "Which one of your words is true?" to hide my panic.In fact, when I asked this question, I already knew that everything she confessed now is the real peace of mind. It seemed to be darkening earlier than usual, perhaps winter had arrived and the days had shortened. On the two windows with gauze curtains in the living room, there is only some remnants of sunset light, like two big and godless eyes, silently watching us gradually sinking into the shadows.None of us thought to turn on the lights, and we all seemed to hope that the darkness could hide our expressions. An Xin's voice showed a rare maturity in the darkness where the face could not be seen clearly. The low and hoarse language was almost like a vicissitudes woman telling an old story.Although this past event is just a page that has just been turned in her life, what she said and what I heard actually felt like a world away from the years. "I went to elementary school in my hometown in Qingmian when I was six years old. I was one year younger than the normal school age. I entered middle school at the age of eleven. I took the national college entrance examination at the age of seventeen and my score just passed the line. Because I have a gold medal of the provincial taekwondo women's champion , so I was admitted to the Guangping Public Security College in the first round. After three years of college graduation, according to the unified regulations of the Ministry of Public Security, all college graduates of public security colleges will be sent to grass-roots public security organs for two years of training. At my own request, I was assigned He went to the anti-drug brigade of Nande City Public Security Bureau and worked as an internal staff." An Xin's narration of her twenty years of life is so short, plain, and monotonous, so monotonous that you can hardly find any traces of growth rings. "South Germany is an important channel from Myanmar's golden triangle poppy planting area to the mainland of China and Europe and the United States. Eighty percent of the crimes here are related to drugs. Anyone who works in anti-drug work knows that South Germany is the first place for drugs to enter China. A portal is a place where the struggle is the fiercest and cruelest, so I asked to go to South Germany." "Why?" I asked An Xin, "Don't you particularly like cruelty? Especially like to live that kind of adventurous life? Is it your innate instinct and character to seek excitement?" An Xin shook her head: "I gave you this impression?" "Yes." I said, "for a girl like you to like taekwondo, become a policeman, and ask to go to the front line, it shows that you like to be a strong person and worship heroes. Were you special when you were young?" Love thriller movies and martial arts novels?" An Xin shook her head again, she thought for a while, and seemed to want to find the most appropriate explanation: "No, I practice Taekwondo because my home is too far away from where I go to school, and I have to live on campus, so my mother let me join the Taekwondo team, it's a shame After class, someone can control me; I went to the public security college because I practiced taekwondo, so they wanted me; I asked to go to South Germany not to seek excitement. I studied in the public security college for three years, in addition to learning some law, investigation It is very important that we are familiar with and slowly accept an atmosphere within us, that is, the desire to fight. This atmosphere is like a huge 'field', and you are bound to be attracted by it when you are in it , being controlled by it, rotating in its orbit. Its gravity can make you change yourself involuntarily." An Xin turned on the lamp on the coffee table, and she saw the blankness on my face in the candle-like light.She smiled and said, "Really, I asked to go to South Germany myself. Last time I told you that I tried everything possible to stay in Guangping after graduation. Those words were all false." Yes, what she said just now about the Guangping Teachers College and the Nande Middle School are all lies.I asked: "Where is Zhang Tiejun, and his mother who is the secretary-general of the Women's Federation in Guangping, are they also fake? And Mao Jie, who I met in South Germany, is also fake?" "No," An Xin shook her head, "When I was in my third year of college, our principal was seriously ill. I was sent to help accompany him, and I met his son Zhang Tiejun. Six months after I graduated, we got married." "Married?" I was secretly taken aback, "You and him are already married?" I was surprised, but I tried to put on an indifferent expression on my face, and my voice pretended to be indifferent: "How old are you? Get married when you are only a little old." ?” "Twenty-one years old. Zhang Tiejun was already twenty-eight that year." I was a little confused. I started with the imagination of An Xin as a virgin, and with every step of understanding her real situation, I had to bear a psychological blow.Distraught, I asked, "Ah, in Yunnan, girls get married at the age of twenty-one, don't you think it's a bit early?" An Xin lowered her head, I couldn't see her face hidden in the shadows clearly, but from her soft answer, I knew the expression on it. "No, I got married so early because, because at that time, I found out that I was pregnant."