Chapter 4 Chapter Four

One day in September 1973, when 17-year-old Deng Ying stepped into the educated youth spot, there was this quotation written on the wall in the kitchen of the educated youth spot: Fight against private interests and criticize repairs!Also with such an exclamation mark.Now that this quotation appeared in her eyes, it aroused her memories and made her mind overwhelmed, feeling that her youth was gone forever. "It reminds me of the past." She refers to this quotation from Chairman Mao. "This person must be full of educated youth complex. Do you know the owner of the educated youth teahouse?"

Shaking his head vigorously, "I just think the atmosphere here is a bit special. I remember you said you were an educated youth." Her eyes fell on the coir raincoat, and she saw the muddy road leading to the educated youth point. She was wearing a coir raincoat and a bamboo hat, walking slowly on the road with one foot high and one foot low in the heavy rain. Someone called her "Deng Ying" in the rain. She looked up and saw Rusha standing under the maple tree in front of the educated youth spot.Shasha has been dead for five years, suffering from stomach cancer and dying on a bed in the Second Affiliated Hospital. Before she died, she was so thin that her breasts were left with a layer of wrinkled skin.Human life is really unpredictable, she thought, some people can live to be eighty or ninety years old, and some people only live to be in their twenties or a few years or teens, but if they come to this world, they are equal to Injustice came here, and I bid farewell to the world without any experience of life. "In the eyes of Zen people, life is just an illusion." She glanced at Dali, "Do you know that the world we live in is just a piece of dust, don't you think?"

"How did you have such thoughts?" Dali said, "Where did you get these thoughts? " "I've been reading some Zen books recently, and I took a few Zen books from my younger brother to read." "Oh, you still have such a hobby?" Dali smiled, "I think differently from you. I feel sad that I didn't cherish my life. I should better grasp the opportunity and seize the good time." He Grabbing her hand, "You are my good time, I like you very, very much. You have a good temperament." She let him hold his hand and looked at him.His hand rubbed her hand, and he raised her hand to his mouth to kiss, and she felt a heat imprint on the back of her hand.She wanted to pull her hand back, but her heart was trembling, a trembling that she had never felt before, even twenty years ago, when Tian Sheng hugged her for the first time, she didn't feel it when he reached into her crotch and touched her crotch. So trembling."I'm so scared," she said, shrinking her hands back nervously.He smiled, put one arm around her neck and said, "No one will disturb us."

His hands touched her neck, up and down her neck. "Your neck is long and beautiful," he said, kissing her on the cheek. "You have the beauty of a mature woman, like a ripe peach." She was nervous, she had never faced such a situation before.She smelled the turtle smell on his body, a much stronger fish smell than usual, diffused from his capillary pores."It's not safe here, I'm afraid," she said. He hugged her tighter and said, "You're too worried." She felt that she couldn't help herself, she was panting, she felt very angry all of a sudden, and felt the world spinning in her eyes.She saw a female leopard mired in the mud struggling and roaring in the dirty swamp. A hunter was aiming at it with a shotgun, but the struggling female leopard was herself. "No, no." She pushed his hand away. "This scares me. I'll give myself to you another day. Not today."

Saturday came inexplicably, she didn't expect that today was Saturday, Saturday came, she thought today was Thursday.In fact, on Thursday, there was heavy rain in Changsha. From 9:00 am to 6:00 pm the next day, the rainfall reached more than 300 milliliters. So flooded that cars couldn't get through.It was Saturday when she woke up, and her feelings were stuck in the humid air of that Thursday afternoon at three o'clock.At that time, she drove the car to the side of the Changtan Highway to Shaoshan and parked. The rain made the car shed crackle and rattle.Due to the heavy rain, the visibility was very low, and the object could not be seen clearly from a few meters away.The inside of the car was filled with a pleasant fishy smell, which was not only the smell of rainwater, but also the smell of Dali's body.Deng Ying likes rain very much. Her hair and skin are very dry. When it rains, her hair looks very moist and feels good to the touch.The face is also very moist, and the mood is particularly comfortable.The two hugged each other, his face pressed hard against hers, his hands kept touching her back, and then they kissed, kissing for a long time, she realized that she didn't experience it when she was a girl An impulse and sweetness.When she had sex with this man who smelled fishy, ​​she felt deeply that the man was so cute and moved her so much that she really wanted to give everything for this man who smelled fishy, ​​including her body. life.She felt that her life became meaningful because of his existence, and before that she felt that a man was dispensable. "I love you, I love you." She murmured to Dali, hugging him passionately, wishing she could get into his body and never come out again.

When Deng Ying received a call from her brother asking her to go to his house for dinner, her thoughts were still stuck in the humid air on Thursday afternoon from 3:00 to 4:30.The younger brother said to her, "Come and have dinner, sister." she went.She went to her brother's for dinner every Saturday, which was a sign of friendship between the two.She loves her brother, and she has taken good care of him since she was a child, washing clothes for him, taking him to study together, sitting at the same table at night to do homework, and later reviewing homework together, you test me and I test you, and Admitted to the university together.If the mother is there, she understands that her love for her younger brother will be less. The husband is so virtuous, so she divides her love between her son and younger brother.My younger brother lives in a three-bedroom, one-living room, the old three-bedroom, one-living room, with a building area of ​​72 square meters.She paid for the decoration of the younger brother's house. When he lived in the three-bedroom apartment, she gave him a 29-inch Changhong color TV.In her eyes, the younger brother is a scholar, and the younger brother loves reading very much.The younger brother once said that "reading is a kind of enjoyment", and this is her younger brother.After dinner, she sat in the study with her younger brother and chatted, while her sister-in-law, nephew and her son sat solemnly in the living room watching TV, which was adapted from Jin Yong's novel.Neither she nor her brother was interested.The younger brother said: "Your complexion is not very good, what have you been up to lately?"

"It's not about the construction site!" she said.She came today not to discuss business with her brother, but to tell him that she wanted to divorce Tian Sheng. "I want to divorce Tian Sheng, I don't think I can stand him anymore." The younger brother looked at her and took a sip of the hot Nescafe coffee. The coffee was brewed after the meal. The cup was sky blue and very beautiful.The younger brother put down the coffee and said, "You want a divorce?" "It was a huge mistake for me to live with him," she said, flashing Dali's face, which fascinated her so much.She said: "I want to get rid of him. I feel that my life is ruined by him. He doesn't need me. He just needs drugs. Think about it, how can I stand a drug addict sleeping with me?" same bed?"

The younger brother looked at his elder sister suspiciously, "I know brother-in-law, he will never divorce you." "He is very bad." She felt that her husband was very bad. "There is no one who plays with him." The younger brother was at a loss, guessing with his reading head that there must be some reason for her to hate her husband so much. "Sister, are you having an affair?" "I'm not having an affair." The younger brother glanced up and down at his elder sister, as if looking for the reason for her divorce. It was nine o'clock when I left my younger brother's house, and it was very hot outside. In Changsha in July, the temperature is always around 37-8 degrees Celsius.She saw several shirtless men walking past her valiantly, talking.She got into the car and turned on the air conditioner before deciding where to go.She has no date with Dali today. Dali is taken by his daughter today. His daughter usually lives with her mother. On Saturday afternoon, he picks up his daughter from his ex-wife. The father and daughter spend the weekend happily, not going to Tianxin Eating fried chicken at a fried chicken shop means going to a KFC store to eat KFC, or stepping into a restaurant that the father and daughter have never been to for dinner. This happens every week, and it has become a "holiday" that the father and daughter look forward to .Fang Wei went to play mahjong, her luck has always been so good that others have a temper, often monotonous "Jiang" can also touch herself, people listen to three, sixty, ninety thousand "and" she doesn't win, she will win nine games in ten games , Even when others play mahjong with her, she is ready to stick out her neck and let her chop it up.This is a crazy woman, she plays with life with passion, she uses Nietzsche's remarks to explain her actions: "God is dead, so we have to pursue ourselves." She is worthy of being a top student in the foreign language department.Feeling that she had nowhere to go, Deng Ying drove home. When she stepped out of the car door, she glanced at the windows of her own house. The windows were dark, and she thought I was going to stay alone for another night.She took out the key and opened the door. There was smoke in the living room, and a few spotlights shone dimly on her husband and two other young people. The three were lying on the sofa watching TV, the curtains were drawn, and the air conditioner was on The temperature in the room is twenty-five degrees Celsius.A DVD is playing on the TV, it is a Hong Kong pornographic movie. "Sister-in-law," the two young men with greasy hair and noodles called her respectively.She knew both of them, they were the same as her husband, they were both useless drugs to numb themselves.She really doesn't understand why they take drugs?She thought they were a bunch of rats."You better not come to my house," she said.

"What do you mean?" The husband stared at her. She went over and drew back the curtains, believing they had taken drugs."I don't like it," she said. "What's wrong with me?" the husband said with an air of quarreling, "I don't like you when you come back?" She ignored her husband, went into the study, and closed the door.She picked up a copy of "Ancient and Modern Gongan" and opened it, and read this passage: A monk asked Monk Zhaozhou: "What is the truth of Zen?" Monk Zhaozhou replied, "It's the cypress tree in front of the court."

The monk said: "Master Zhaozhou, please don't use objective things to explain." Monk Zhaozhou replied: "I don't show people with the environment!" Zen thinks that the real creation is the creation of "nothingness": I created Dameishan when I saw Dameishan; I created cypress when I said cypress... This is the state where human beings are inseparable and everything is one with me.People who really live in this state of being equal to everything and not giving preference to things and self are true Zen masters. She thought about this passage: "The realm where people and things are one, what kind of realm is that?"The cypress tree in front of the court is Zen, and Zen is the cypress tree in front of the court. This is the unity of human and environment.Her eyes turned to the statue of Guanyin, and she remembered when she and her younger brother were young, there was also a statue of Guanyin at home, which was a clay Bodhisattva, and grandma offered it on the table, and there was a tripod in front of it, which was made of cast iron. Incense is burning all day long.Grandma doesn’t do anything every day, just sits on her own bed all day—it’s a bamboo bed resting on a bench, covered with straw and old cotton wadding—meditating facing Guanyin, and grandma dies. At that time, the bamboo bed was already bent, and it was her thin body that was bent because of sitting so all year round.Grandma is very thin, her hair has fallen out, her head is like an ugly gourd, her eyes are closed all day long, and she is muttering something.After so many years, this figure of grandma has been preserved in the warehouse of her memory, which made her subconsciously feel that she will probably be like this when she is old.One night in the spring of 1967, a group of ferocious adults suddenly ransacked the house. She was not yet eleven years old at the time. Made her grandma stand outside the door, and they started rummaging through boxes and cabinets.They smashed the Guanyin Bodhisattva, and there was a bang, and the Guanyin Bodhisattva, which grandma had worshiped as a god since she was sensible, was smashed into pieces.Grandma died in the winter of that year, and death was like a lamp being extinguished. When she thought of the description of life and death in Zen books, she felt a little sad in her heart.

Grandma died and dared not even hold a memorial service.Grandma was born in a family of university scholars and big compradors in the late Qing Dynasty. When she was young, she lived a life of prosperity and wealth. She lived in an official mansion with countless rooms. There were three or four gardens and gazebos, and flowers bloomed all year round. There are two or three girls at her disposal.During her lifetime, her grandma always taught her and her younger brother, "People should do more good deeds and accumulate more virtues." But when grandma died, what greeted her was only a green iron coffin, and the coffin smelled very bad.A three-wheeled motorcycle and two thin men came to the crematorium. They put the corpse into an iron coffin. Once the coffin was covered, the car drove away, leaving her and her brother to watch the three-wheeled motorcycle go bumpy along the way. Go, her mother was sitting at the back of the car, and her mother's hands were tightly clinging to the carport.There are no tears on my mother's face... In the fitness room, there is light music playing with a fast rhythm, but the light is very soft, and the ceiling fan is stirring crazily on the ceiling, making a buzzing sound.There is also a low-quality fragrance in the room, which is a perfume specially sprinkled to drive away the smell of sweat or body odor on women.The teacher who taught the women aerobics yelled the beat one-two-three-one-two-three until his throat crackled. A large group of beautiful women are struggling to keep up with the beat, dancing panting but still persevering.Are you trying to lose weight?Do you want to make your figure look better?Dance as hard as you want.Deng Ying was thinking about what the coach said while jumping, she was sweating all over, her bra and pants were sweaty, but she was still dancing hard.She needs to stay in shape, and she sees her saggy ass in the mirror, and her breasts and abs are loose.She has to restore these parts, let the muscles in these parts return to their original positions and stay there.Love keeps a woman young, she thought.She has a good side, she is an old "athlete" in the gym, and she regards bodybuilding as part of her life.On the way to the Sports Commission, she took Deng Ying's car, and she said in her ear: "If we don't use up our energy, we will gain weight quickly." The bodybuilding teacher is still calling the beat, and they are still dancing hard .The bodybuilding teacher clapped his hands and said, "Everyone, take a break. Pay attention to moving your waist during the rest. Moving your waist is to restore the elasticity of your abdominal muscles." Deng Ying was moving, Fang Wei was also moving aside, both women were sweating profusely.Deng Ying turned her head and glanced at herself and Fang Wei in the wall mirror. They were both wearing tight-fitting swimsuits. Fang Wei's figure was better than hers, with round hips and a narrow waist, while her hips were slightly drooping. The posture, the legs are a little thicker. "Fang Wei, I found that you have maintained your figure quite well." She couldn't help saying enviously, "You can actually become an actor." "I don't care about actors." Fang Wei said disapprovingly. After doing a full set of calisthenics, the two of them changed into clothes and headed to the shower.After taking a shower, I felt very comfortable in body. It turned out that my liver was uncomfortable, my stomach was also comfortable, and my dizzy head was no longer dizzy.The two walked out, and the sun outside was very bright and yellow.The continuous flow of cars on the street raised waves of dust, waves of heat waves and a strong smell of carbon dioxide.Those smells made Deng Ying feel bad. "I was in Shenzhen last month, and the streets in Shenzhen are very clean." Fang Wei said, "Changsha is too sloppy, and I don't know what the cadres in the Defense Department do!" "What are you doing?" Deng Ying replied, "The ones sitting in the office reading the newspaper. I have noticed the ones who sweep the street, they just sweep the fruit peels and leaves on the street into the dustpan, and they don't sweep the floor. Ash." The two got into the Audi, Deng Ying hurriedly turned on the air conditioner, and the cool wind swept away the heat inside the car. "Where are you going?" Deng Ying asked Fang Wei.Fang Wei said, "I will go wherever you go." "I'll go to the construction site to check on the progress." "Then you send me to the center." Fang Wei said. She sent her to the youth center, and then drove to the H business school.She went to see it every day, even though Li Zhi was acting as her agent on the construction site.When she drove the car into the gate of H Business School, Li Zhi came out on a Suzuki King motorcycle. "Boss." Li Zhi stopped the motorcycle and called her, with a smile on his face. She said, "Where are you going?" "Go to the building materials company," Li Zhi said, "there are dozens of boxes of mosaics that are not uniform in color, so I will go to him to change them." "then you go." A car in front was about to leave the school gate, so she hurriedly drove the car in and parked in the shadow of a sycamore tree in front of the construction site.When she got out of the car, Li Zhi turned back on his motorcycle and parked it next to the car.Deng Ying looked at the library that was about to be completed. Now the scaffolding has been stripped to the second floor, which means that the exterior wall tiles on the upper five floors have been pasted. These white tiles are very dazzling in the July sun. Li Zhi Said to her: "The migrant workers I came from Xiangyinqing are very hard-working. I gave them the work contract...these villagers really do things." "We must pay attention to quality." Deng Ying said, "It's not enough to go bare hands and feet, and then it will be troublesome to rework." "Of course, I'm watching, boss." Xiao Li said, "Section Chief Liu from the school also comes here from time to time." As they said this, Deng Ying went in and looked around. There were migrant workers doing things everywhere, and there were sounds of knocking nails here and there.While they were making money for themselves, they were also making money for her. They stared at her like scared country dogs staring at strangers, but she glanced at them like a female general.Then, she walked out, and she looked at her watch. It was past five o'clock, and the sun was blazing on the ground, and a strong heat could be felt rising upwards. The trees were all wilted and drooped in one direction.She thought of the rose in front of the window, she hadn't watered it for two days, maybe three days.These days, her thoughts were all about Dali, and she was thinking about how to get rid of her husband, the poisonous snake.Two days earlier, she had mentioned divorce with Tian Sheng, she mentioned it tentatively, she said to him: "Let's get a divorce, I will give you two million." It was in the middle of the night, when she came back after breaking up with Dali, he Sitting in the living room watching TV, asked her where she was, she said she had something to do, he stared at her and said: "You can't see anyone every day, the torture machine doesn't answer, the mobile phone is turned off, why are you outside?" What the hell are you doing?" She said socializing. "Entertainment?" He stared at her incredulously, "Isn't there a man who seduced you?" He said this with sinister eyes, as if a cobra was staring at you when it was about to attack.Later she mentioned the divorce to him, and he looked at her coldly, "Do you want a divorce?" She said, "We are tired of each other, and we have no feelings. Let's divorce, I will give you two million .” His answer was arbitrary, “You want to divorce me, fine, unless I die.” Then he sneered, “You better not have such a dream.”