Chapter 18 Confessions of an Old Red Guard (Part 2)

By the time of "August 31st", our people began to connect in series.Probably I don't regret it now, this life is the best time in series.We first went to Beijing, followed by the Long March to Yan'an, then to Wuhan, Changsha, and finally to Aksu in the south of Xinjiang.It is walking from Beijing to Yan'an.I walked for more than 20 days in total. I didn’t feel tired even after playing and taking it away. Fifty miles.First of all, I went to Beijing. When I arrived in Beijing, there was no money for food. That was all a good thing done by Comrade Tao Zhu.Hey, I remember that pork boiled potatoes in a big bucket, and rice was served casually.I didn't sleep very well, and there was a layer of grass in the classroom, but no one scolded the public at that time, because it was a revolution.That time I met Chairman Mao.The good guy later informed me that I was one of the five spectators in Hebei Province.It is sitting on the viewing platform, under Tiananmen Square.Actually, I might as well be on Chang'an Avenue there.That time Chairman Mao was walking below, not above Tiananmen Square.Every time Chairman Mao saw the Red Guards in a different way, first he was on Tiananmen Square, then he walked across the Jinshui Bridge, and then Chairman Mao took a car. Everyone sat down. Chairman Mao walked through the crowd. He wanted everyone to see the Chairman Image it.When I went to Beijing, one was because I heard that the Beijing Writers Association was very lively, and the other was to see Chairman Mao, and I also wanted to see Vice Chairman Lin and Comrade Jiang Qing.I read Chairman Mao three times in total.This is the first time to be a ceremony representative, so excited!Departing from Tsinghua University, to be honest before departure, it took a whole night of waiting.Really, I don’t know what’s going on. At that time, people’s self-consciousness was very high, and there were very few hooligans and thieves. It was too convenient to do any activities.Maybe that kind of abnormal terror shocked this hooligan too.The dictatorship of the masses is really powerful, at least you can read a section of Chairman Mao's quotations and it will work.The whole of China is like a man-to-man basketball player. You can hear a yawn from one side to another.I always feel that it is easier to manage than now.They shouted at three o'clock that night, and gathered in the Tsinghua University compound so quickly.The loudspeaker shouts which side is Hebei Province, which side is Hunan Province, and which side is Inner Mongolia, so each province is one province after another. Pay attention to what image you have.Clothes at that time would be great if anyone could find a casual military uniform, especially the old-fashioned clothes with eyes on the shoulders from the revolutionary era.That night we walked on foot from Tsinghua University to Tiananmen Square.I remember waiting when I walked to Xinhuamen, row by row, from three o'clock at night to three o'clock in the afternoon, and I wasn't hungry, right?Later, there was a big basket to deliver bread, and it was pasted with "Salute to the young Red Guards everywhere". I took one, and it looked very interesting. It was very long and thin, and it could be inserted directly into the pocket. , Waiting for Chairman Mao.Just wait until three o'clock.How can I say that people were very pure in their hearts at that time. On the viewing platform, there was a little girl from Jiangsu Province next to me, who was very close to me. We just talked, said this, said that.I love talking to southerners, because the mandarin of this southerner has a unique flavor, which has the characteristics of Wuqiang soft language.Then Chairman Mao came out.To be honest, I was really puzzled. When Chairman Mao first came out, there was no sound. It was so shocking. You said that Tiananmen is a big place, with millions of people. For about a few seconds, there was no sound at all.As soon as Chairman Mao crossed the Jinshui Bridge, someone yelled for the first time, and the whole voice rose up.Everyone around me was crying, and I was crying too, just crying.

At this time, the little girl next to me was short, she couldn't see, the viewing platform was crowded, I had the strength to squeeze, and I could see Chairman Mao very clearly. Chairman Mao's body is indeed very good. It is similar to the color of this table, black red and black red are shiny.I think wow is physically unmatched as a leader.Later, he waited for Lin Biao and followed closely behind.We also cried in our hearts, thinking, why is Vice Chairman Lin so thin? That's what we thought at that time.I remember going back later and telling my mother the same thing, saying that Vice Chairman Lin might not be able to survive Chairman Mao in the future because he is so thin. I just said that, I am afraid that the successor will die first, so what should I do?The little girl next to me was anxious when she couldn't see Chairman Mao.I said what to do.She said you pick me up.There was a little girl about my age, right? I couldn't help it, so I picked her up.She cried: I see it!see it!I was so happy that I dropped my quotation book. I didn't think about men and women at that time, and I didn't have this awareness at all.Alas, I shouted until my voice became hoarse.Chairman Mao turned around, and the shouting never stopped.It lasted about ten or so minutes that time, and it was the most enjoyable time to watch.This was the first time I saw Chairman Mao; later, "September 15th"; another time was in October, I can't remember.

When we see Jiang Qing, let's tell the truth. I am very happy with what Jiang Qing said, but I really don't understand Jiang Qing's tone.Later, it was said that the cross talk imitated Jiang Qing's tune, wow, that's the flavor.Going back this time strengthened my ambition to rebel, and I felt that I was right.This time I dare to do things that I didn't dare to do before. This is one of them.But the big series made my thinking complicated.When I was in Beijing, I went to the Writers Association.I went to the Writers Association to see that there was Mao Dun's Daewoo News.I said why Mao Dun can't do it anymore?Is it all gone?There is also a big-character poster of Du Pengcheng, saying that they rob chickens in Beidaihe to eat; that Mao Dun's family has raised countless people to serve him.In my mind, many sacred things seem to be destroyed.Especially watching a group of people fighting Tian Han in the backyard of the Writers Association.I admire Tian Han the most, and Tian Han's plays are my favorite.Alas, Doutian Han fights too hard.Tian Han is similar to the great monk who protects the temple in Shaolin Temple now. Next to the big sign is "Tian Han, a counter-revolutionary revisionist", next to it is Jia Zhi from the Folk Literature Research Association, and the other is Ajia.This Tian Han, the opponent bends down.The level of the Beijing Douren was really high. The opponents were kneeling, their backs were bent, and their heads were stuck to their thighs.Why!Look again, there are three blood tendons on Tian Han's head, his head is bald, it may have just been shaved, of course there is not much hair.Anyway, the people who criticized him were all in their forties or fifties, not Red Guards, they were all cadres.The so-called crimes are mostly nosy. The criticism of people during the "Cultural Revolution" all combined business and business.The more nosy the Chinese are, the more people are interested in it, and the more they can ruin a person.Criticizing how he engages in revisionism and advocating counter-revolutionaries, the common people will not be able to listen to it. In fact, it will first tarnish your reputation, so that you will not be defeated politically, and it will be easy to handle.

At that time, there was a big series, and there was no money to take the train.After getting in the car, wow, even the toilet was full of people, some were lying on the luggage rack, and people dared not get out of the car.Let me interject first. Later, when I went to Wuhan, a little girl from Hunan sat next to me, and she didn't dare to move her place for three days.I said why don't you go down and buy something to eat?There will be no seats as soon as you go.Especially as soon as the car door opened, a large crowd came in Hula.At that time, to be honest, people were comparable to the level of the railway guerrillas.The highest level is to unroll the bedroll on the back of the seat, and people lie on it and sleep, can you imagine?But I was so happy then.

Along the way from Shanxi to Shaanxi, I saw the poor people, and my mood changed.Passing by a village, a child saw the medal on my chest, went up the mountain to collect herbs for a day, and exchanged the medicine with me.Alas, my tears came down all at once.I said that the people have a deep affection for Chairman Mao. I don’t want that medicinal material at all. Why use it? It's like getting a treasure.His mother said a word: "Don't play around, give it well." In that village, all the places where Chairman Mao's portrait was pasted were the places where the Stove Lord used to be.For more reverence.Yes, doesn't this deify Chairman Mao?In place of the Stove Lord. That's right.This has actually become a tragedy, right?When I arrived in Yan'an, I was even more disappointed.One look at this guy in Yan'an, who looks like a big mound of dirt, it doesn't look good at all.What kind of Pagoda Mountain?Let's just say the white sheep belly towel, it's so dirty, it's almost like a rag.The people are not so happy at all, with low eyebrows and pleasing eyes, unlike dancing on the stage wearing a red bag, and they have no affection for the students we are connected with.We stayed at the Red Guard reception station.Maybe there were too many people, so I didn't look at anything, just looked at the group photo of Chairman Mao and Jiang Qing.When I came back, my repeated thoughts became even bigger.I said what kind of revolution is this, the people are too poor, that’s right, really poor.As for the villager I mentioned earlier who exchanged medicinal materials for badges, the trousers worn by the bridesmaids of several families can’t be mended, and they have made the Chinese look bad.I was very depressed.Isn't Yan'an a melting pot of revolution?The place where the Communist Party made its fortune, why is it still like this?

In November, everyone came back in series.We all have experience.The organizations of various factions have been strengthened, and they are vying to fight against the gangsters.This was the winter of 1966, when school struggles were linked to social struggles.There are two factions in the society because of the issue of the garrison.In order to speak for a worker rebel organization that was beaten, my organization became a supporter of the army for no reason.I have feelings for the People's Liberation Army, and it is only natural to support the garrison.At that time we were called "Yongjun Corps", the 28th squad of the Seventh Army.Wow, everyone is a wicker hat when patrolling the night.The People's Liberation Army posters are posted on the opposite side, what are we doing, go out every night, push a small cart with a bucket of rice on it, and sneak into the street to take flashlights.All the big-character posters attacking the garrison, seeing no one there, immediately pasted them on, and then wrote "resolutely support the People's Liberation Army, anyone who wants to destroy the Great Wall will smash the dog's head!" You said how serious it was.I felt that no matter how I opposed it, I could not oppose the People's Liberation Army.The People's Liberation Army liberated China, and the army is the most sacred in my mind.Many of our combat groups are named after Chairman Mao's poems, "Fighting Against the End", "Laughing in the Congzhong", and "Jumping Waves". My combat group is called "Cold Eye Xiangyang Combat Group" ".Didn't Chairman Mao say "look at the world with a cold eye"?At this time, there was a "madman rebel group" in society. They were very organized and disciplined. The two words "madman" on the armbands were not the usual way of writing, and the word "person" was written like the wind blowing. The "Madman Rebels" are good at carrying dead people into the streets.The dead were killed by fighting between the two factions.They attacked the Military Control Commission.The good fellows of our corps acted quickly after receiving the notice. It took only 20 minutes to run from the west of the bridge to the east of the bridge. We ran from the shortcut, and then the entire 20-odd rows of students protected the military control committee.

Let me add a few words first.At that time, I had been doing dynamic work, responsible for contacting all parts of the country.All the materials have passed through my hands, and all the leaflets have been reviewed by me, and sometimes I use a loudspeaker to debate on the street.The big speakers are placed on the top of the car, and more than a dozen speakers are bundled together, and the amplifier is placed in the car.There's also a spare horn, ready to get smashed.The broadcasters we trained at that time are rare in radio stations now.That female classmate of mine has a very good voice, and she doesn't feel tired after talking for four or five hours.Speeches are also submitted, and it is very logical to say it out of your mouth.Our Corps also trains a person who specializes in memorizing quotations.He can memorize quotations from Marx, Si, Len and Chairman Mao.You need quotations during a debate, just say, come on, he will definitely give you a quotation, which is very suitable.He is a physics student and has a good mind.He not only memorizes, but he can only memorize the quotations. I can also memorize the quotations. I can recite all the "old three articles" backwards. I can also memorize the third volume of Chairman Mao's four volumes.If you don’t have a book, you can read that—for example, if the other party attacks us, I need a quotation saying that they are plotting.He immediately wrote a note, saying that during the struggle of the Second International, Lenin once said when refuting Tsky that the most despicable and shameless things in political struggle are tantamount to imposing one's own words on the opponent's on the head.He can memorize all those corner words, so we call him the "Marxist-Leninist ammunition depot".

Let's talk about the defense of the military control committee, we were beaten.There are too many Decepticons.When I was in a truce, I carried a big backpack and ran to the middle of the battlefield to pick up "bullets".I don't think I'm suitable for martial arts, and I don't have good eyesight, so I only focus on dynamics.It is very exciting to engage in dynamics, mainly through our people lurking in the opposing organization to engage in news.Most of these people are bought.You don't need money to buy it, and you didn't have money at the time, so you relied on provocation.Said that you are an old rebel, and now the service team does not have you.The leadership team is called the service group, and the top leaders are called servants, which is the name of the Paris Commune.In this way, many people were slowly drawn over.Also hit the opponent's organization.It is very important to send people to bring false information and join their organization.This is our underground dynamic agent.There is a "Cheka" composed of four people within the opposition organization, which often carries out counter-revolutionaries, and sometimes it really beats that guy when he comes out.We also engage in anti-revolutionary activities.Why did I get tired of Wu Dou? I remember we caught a woman, a girl from the chemistry department.Wearing glasses, the body is particularly weak.She had come only to hear the news, and had been taken into a small room at the school.There was a female general on our side, she was very tall, she was from Handan, so he beat her hard.The girl in the chemistry department is really heroic, the big belt is so wide, and the drama will stop.Don't mention how resolute this girl is, she insists on her own point of view.That big belt is really tough, it slaps and twitches, and there is a red streak on the arms and face. After the beating, the girl flicked her hair and said, I repeat, I also have the same opinion when I was beaten to death.To be honest, I now think that more than 90% of the Red Guards at that time were really involved in the revolution.A female classmate who died at Normal University told me, "I feel like I am a soldier defending the Paris Commune." It was a fight, both sides fought with small calibers, and everyone backed away. This female classmate Go hard on yourself.A stray bullet hit the head.Do you think she can do that if she has selfish thoughts?Thinking of the "Cultural Revolution", to be honest, I don't regret it, I can repent, but I don't regret it.Because at that time we did not participate with despicable purposes.At that time, it was treated as a revolution, and you said that we suffered so much.When I participated in the martial arts for the first time, I didn't dare to sleep at night, and I didn't dare to take off my shoes every day.When there was a whistle outside, Gu Lu got up.There is no night, no day, no retreat, no shame.There are also those who are carefree, and those who are carefree at that time are like shit piles.Now some people put the blame entirely on the Red Guards, which I find extremely unfair.One route is wrong, just like the fifth anti-encirclement and suppression campaign in Binggang Mountain. How do you evaluate those Red Army soldiers? Can you say that they are not as good as dead shit?right?The command of a war is wrong, and the soldier is not a martyr when he dies?

In June, the fighting will be even more escalated, and the guns will be used.It was arranged that night, saying that the bad guys are armed, and we can't do without arming.Jiang Qing once said that it is impossible without a gun to attack the military with the civil.So I decided to go to the People's Liberation Army to grab guns.In fact, it was the People's Liberation Army who let the gun go.Go to the military factory, the door is open, no one is in charge, where is the robbery?It's purely Zhou Yu's willingness to fight Huang Gai.The armory is also open.The person in charge of the warehouse said what are you doing, what are you doing, and while talking, he went in to get it, and even showed you with a flashlight, come here, come here, it turned out that it was all arranged by the army.I snatched the gun, but I couldn't hit it, and I didn't even hit a ring in the trial shot. The gun didn't work later.I always feel that the entire process of the "Cultural Revolution" was led by Chairman Mao, and he was unable to lead the process later.When people started to join the "Cultural Revolution", they all participated in the revolution from the bottom of their hearts. With Yu Cheng's crystal-like heart, they followed the leaders to fight against revisionism and prevent revisionism. When the storm of the "January Revolution" and the "Cultural Revolution" deepened, the revolution would be impure.Having understood that this is what revolution is all about, some people began to consciously and actively use this revolution, so this determined that this revolution is getting dirtier and dirtier.This is because the seizure of power involves personal interests.Factional struggles within the party have become increasingly apparent.Some political pickpockets and political brokers began to consciously insert their own things into this revolution, so it was decided that this revolution would not be easy to handle.If the "Cultural Revolution" could still be called a jihad in the early days, then it was completely a power struggle later on.There is a redistribution of power.

In November 1967, our school was the first to establish a revolutionary committee in the province, and soon provincial and municipal revolutionary committees were also established.I was the one who drafted the tribute telegram for the establishment of the Revolutionary Committee.At that time it was called "Three Combinations", one worker, one People's Liberation Army, and one Red Guard.The Revolutionary Committee redistributed power and began to fight for power and profit.The fate of the Red Guards became worse and worse.The Red Guards are the first echelon, the People's Liberation Army is the second echelon, and the workers are the third echelon, so the Red Guards are worthless as they get older.By the time the workers' propaganda team entered the school, the Red Guards were absolutely rotten.It’s okay for the PLA to enter the school, and they expressed their support for us. They are our great benefactors, so we pay homage to them.But later we regretted it very much. This was the beginning of 1968.At that time, the word "business" was not allowed to be mentioned. We felt that the "Cultural Revolution" was close, and it was time to study, and we demanded the resumption of classes to start a revolution.The People's Liberation Army told us yes, what kind of class should we repeat, we can only repeat the class of Mao Zedong Thought and the Great Criticism of Marxism-Leninism; the words of business class should not be used.What should the business be called?It should be called the ability to serve the people.Later, an editorial was published in the newspaper, which spoke very left on business issues.At that time, I was also relying on my own old rebellion. I got together two old rebels, and I added a total of three people. I wrote a big-character poster and posted it directly on the door of the newspaper office. The big title was "There is a problem with the March 2 editorial." ".Isn't there a Marxist-Leninist ammunition depot next to me?Quotations provided by him.Within a day, countless big-character posters appeared to besiege me.Several Autobots came and blocked the school gate, wanting to argue with me.The garrison specifically asked me to talk, saying that the rebels wanted to make new achievements, and the old rebels made mistakes, and now is the time for young generals to make mistakes.Chairman Mao's set of words came up again.The school's revolutionary committee threw me out, saying you should go argue with someone!Fortunately, at this time, we still have a few people who really survived the white terror and protected me.Since then, I have withdrawn from all organizations, and my relationship with the school is particularly strained.Participated in a creative group to write a play, titled "Spring to the Great Wall", to the effect that the fixed-capitalist factory manager persecuted the workers. Later, the "Cultural Revolution" overthrew him, and the factory was fine.That's what the novels and dramas of that time meant.

The school couldn't calm down, and the "three anti elements" were arrested again.Especially anti-Chairman Mao.A classmate wrote on the window sill when he was free, "Sailing the sea depends on the helmsman, and making revolution depends on--", but "Mao Zedong Thought" was not written below. Someone greeted him and he left.Later, I don't know who wiped it clean.Two days later, I don't know who talked with "the biggest revisionism of the contemporary era" in the back, and the words were connected.A female classmate made a fuss when she saw it and exclaimed: Oh, look, this is a reverse bid!At that time, everyone was trembling, and the dictatorship had already been used.As a result, our classmate was pulled out that afternoon, counter-revolutionary!I have slept in the same room with him for more than two years, how can I be counter-revolutionary?The whole department held a criticism meeting one by one, and the garrison shouted from above: Serious class struggle has penetrated into our class. To engage in class struggle is to disown relatives, and the essence of Marxism-Leninism cannot have any personal affair.He nonsense.I can't accept it, but I don't dare to speak out, what should I do if I want to find out?As a result, many students stood up and said: I will expose it!I expose!I wonder what all of you are exposing.Ah, in 1968, I think it was the beginning of the death of our Red Guards.In the end, that classmate was sentenced to ten years in prison, and he was fighting everywhere. This is a classmate.Another classmate was also found out, why?When he was writing big-character posters, he flicked his pen and water after finishing writing, and then flung it across the face of Chairman Mao's portrait, terrified.He hurriedly piled on top of each other, not daring to burn it, so he was buried under his mattress.After a while he forgot.Later, there was a bedbug problem in the school, and they were discovered when they were spraying pesticides from house to house, and they were caught on the spot.The garrison is really ruthless. As soon as they are sent to the police station, they will be sent to prison and sentenced immediately. It is extremely fast, and it is also ten years.That's really amazing.Worse than the White Terror!For this "Cultural Revolution", I am really tired of such unconscionable criticism and chaos, selfish chaos, and white terror.If you are tired of it, there may be a higher awareness in it!Besides, they are getting older and facing graduation, almost everyone has a feeling of war weariness.The female classmate who was close to me suddenly flirted with me.Probably afraid that I am prone to accidents.Suddenly, a son of a martyr, the five-year-old and the third-year-old, came to me and said, I admire you very much.Back then, women talked like men.It seems that if a woman wants to look like a woman, she has to cultivate.Talking is "your grandma's", so it's exciting.The sleeves must be rolled up above the elbow, which was the aesthetic point of view at that time.At that time, I think it was quite heroic.It seems that my incident has also been stained with the color of "Cultural Revolution".When we were very close, we had already reached the late stage of the "Cultural Revolution", and we were also in our twenties.People have nothing to do, it just happens naturally.But when we were about to graduate, she and I were dismantled by the workers' propaganda team. In 1969, the Workers Propaganda Team entered the school.The working class leads everything.It's a bad thing for the working class to stick its feet in again.To tell the truth, the garrison was fierce and even talked about policy; the entry of the workers' propaganda team into the school was really the worst mistake of Chairman Mao.What is the Worker Propaganda Team? They are not afraid of the sky and the earth. They think they are the boss.At this time the Red Guards were already the third, and later they were the ninth.I remember when the worker propaganda team entered the school, they said that we, the working class, occupied the school and were sent by Chairman Mao.One of them held a mango in his hand, which was made of plastic.In his speech, he said that our working class is a big boss, "swish" the button was opened, and one leg was kicked on the podium.It's unbelievable right now.Of course, there are a few old workers who suffer and hate deeply, and these old workers are becoming the bargaining chip for their working class to occupy the school.There was an old worker who came to Yiku, which was Binku, with few fingers when he stretched out his hand.Billion suffering for what? 7 We have to fight intellectuals further.All are used.As soon as the workers' propaganda team arrived, they immediately had conflicts with the garrison.And as soon as the workers' propaganda team came in, there must be a group of people crying, how we are under pressure, this and that, the workers' propaganda team has something to do.A leader of the workers' propaganda team came up with an idea to pull us out and go to the countryside to reform our thinking.The military training team, military propaganda team and worker propaganda team of the People's Liberation Army followed.Alas, at that time, I really wanted to torture people to death.A whistle, one, two, three, "swish" underground rice fields.Many female students are on their period holidays, so they dare not speak up, their legs are so swollen that they press a pit.Every morning I was too tired to get up, and everyone had to stand in front of the portrait of Chairman Mao and say, Chairman Mao, what I want to do today, and what I want to do according to your thoughts; I can't straighten my legs, and I have to say to Chairman Mao's portrait, Chairman Mao, I made a mistake again today.Ask for instructions early, report late.The Workers Propaganda Team said they wanted to create a "Red Sea—Mao Zedong Thought All Red." All places in the school that could be painted were painted with red paint, and everyone did nothing.Always prepare for battle in the dark.As soon as you fell asleep, you shouted and marched quickly.Without turning on the light, I felt the darkness and packed my backpack, and I ran for more than 30 miles.I was so angry that I didn't wake up the next day. I said that this is not a toss to death, is it?You can't see the female students, how do they suffer?I said it outright.I said I quit, do whatever you like!When I said this, the company commander of the military propaganda team was reasonable; the workers' propaganda team got anxious, snapped off the handle of a sickle in their hand, and said, you are too rampant, I think you are worse than revisionism revisionism.I said you, don't come here, tell you, when my father was a worker, you didn't know where you were!The company commander threatened me, pulled me aside, and told me that I would write an inspection tomorrow morning, and I would definitely write it, and I guarantee you will be fine;We understand that he did it for me, if it wasn't for him, I would have been caught that time.If they were to be found out that time, they would be punished, and the charges would not be trivial: anti-working class!We Red Guards are so useless! In the spring of 1970, when we were about to be assigned, there was a sudden and unreasonable rumor in the school that my father was a spy.This time, the Worker Propaganda Team infiltrated directly, and talked to my girlfriend who is a child of a martyr no less than a dozen times... This is my privacy. At that time, at a teacher's house, she cried with me for two hours. Can not ask in depth.According to other people quietly told me, she and a worker propaganda team got married.Alas, everything about me is colored with the "Cultural Revolution".How powerful they are, both workers and soldiers.The worker propaganda team said that this person was unreliable and his father was a spy.You have a reason to be wronged and you can't argue.When assigning, the Worker Propaganda Team set a principle, called "far-divided couples, near-divided couples, neither far nor near-divided bachelors." That is, whoever has a romantic relationship will take care of you two, and go to revolution at a distance; close-divided cumbersome, cumbersome, disabled and disabled; neither far nor near.They put me in the category of a bachelor who is neither far nor near.That night when I read the distribution list, it was almost like a sentence.Which village is Zhang San, which county is Li Si, decides your fate.Didn't Chairman Mao have an instruction at that time, to divide them all up.The night before leaving, that girlfriend talked with me for most of the night.To be honest, I always feel that my quality is relatively good. After going through so many things, I have never died because of some insanity.I said, if we are together, we will get together, and if we don't, we will be separated.I said that from now on, you should go with your workers’ propaganda team. I would go back and leave, tears always falling.I dragged a few cardboard boxes, poor students have no other property, they are all books!Our teacher sent me off, and I also said that I would go to the poor and lower-middle peasants to receive re-education, work hard, perform well, strive to join the Communist Party of China, and see you when I come back.Always so energetic.If the previous few years were passive, what happened in the next few years is really even more incredible. We will be assigned to the county as soon as we arrive.Really pious, I went to Tianjin myself, put all the books at home, put down my better clothes, and bought a pair of shoes to wear, to show that I am no different from the poor and lower-middle peasants.I also asked my mother to make a gown with white cloth, which is really determined.Once we arrived in the county, there were 70 college students from Jiaotong University, University of Science and Technology, Peking University, Tsinghua University, and Fudan University.To be honest, they are all talents. There are not only our 70th class, but also the 67th, 68th, and 69th class. Some of them are awesome.There is no one left in the county.The deputy director of the County Revolutionary Committee said in a speech that comrades must go to the most difficult place, to Dawa in the east.That's really poor, the houses are all built on the slopes of the river.As soon as we got there, we found the director of the Revolutionary Committee of the brigade very piously, and the director said, everyone should behave well here. no.Alas, this means that we are only slightly better than the four categories.The house I live in is full of messy fishnets.At night, lay several layers of thick grass roots on the kang, so I can't sleep.All kinds of unnamed bugs climbed up, and the mosquitoes buzzed like bombers.In that situation, what else do you think?I still thought piously, I should transform like this.The next day, the men of us, as soon as we put on our underpants, jumped into the pit and dug the river mud, but we couldn't do it at all!Not to mention the pain of digging a river.Anyway, there are more than tens of millions of people who have done this job.Now I am especially grateful for that period. Although it was bitter, I think it was only during that period that I realized that Chinese farmers suffered the heaviest and deepest suffering in the world.They get the least and have the least complaints.Sometimes I talk to the farmers, and I say what do you think?They said, blind, we're not alone, aren't we all like this!Hearing this really brings a million feelings to my heart.At this time, the county heard that I was more diligent in digging rivers, and that after I used to write and write, the Education Bureau transferred me to write.I was never born to work in an agency.What do I do after I come up, write lecture materials for activists who study Chairman Mao's works.Invite activists to come up, have a discussion, and I will edit it.For example, when a young man burns war-ready bricks, you tell him how hard it is to burn bricks, how many blisters he burns on his hands, and also write that when he was burning war-ready bricks, he saw the situation on all continents and the world from the kiln, and saw the flames of world revolution.It's pure nonsense, what is this called a joke?This thing in my heart couldn't help showing up, and the head of the Education Bureau talked to me, saying that you, your job is not bad, but it's better to go down and exercise for a while.Of course I understood very well in my heart, I said that my bedding was all rolled up, and I went back. At that time, the peasants knew that I liked to read old books, and asked me to talk about it every day.I dare not tell them "Ji Gong Zhuan", "Xue Rengui Zhengdong", "Three Heroes Sword" and so on. It was full, and as soon as I opened my mouth, some people brought hot water for me, and some brought home fried melon seeds.Sometimes when the talk was stopped halfway through, they would take a piece of paper and roll me a cigarette.The farmer is very simple and will lick it for you after rolling.He doesn't understand things like infectious diseases. At that time, you don't have to hesitate at all, just take the trumpet and smoke it.At that time, people will not make much progress.I don’t have any books to read. I only read the books of Marxism-Leninism and Chairman Mao, and the People’s Daily.Sometimes I even looked at the corners.Otherwise, why would I buy boring books like "Zhaoxia" and "Hongnan Battle History"?I am really hungry spiritually, and the peasants are also spiritually hungry.But as soon as I was with the peasants, sitting cross-legged on the kang and talking, it seemed that we were satisfied with each other.This matter was reported to the director of the brigade, and the director asked me to tell me what you were talking about. I talked about the history of the struggle between the two lines. You should listen to it too.When everyone lay down on the pasture after threshing grass one day, I asked the director to come over.At this time, he brought over a bucket of water, and people drank it like a horse drinking water, and I wiped my mouth and started talking.It turned out that the director also liked to listen.Later he said, let’s talk about it inside the house, don’t go outside to talk about it.What I said that day was all made up, and I turned those ancient people into modern people.Then plug in the fixed capital distribution network, and then plug in the land rich or something.To be honest, I told them that I was also enjoying myself, because I am very energetic and have no place to vent. In the future, the village called for studying philosophy.You said that at that time, it was really playing with the peasants’ bad ideas, what philosophy did the peasants know!The Director of Philosophy came back and summoned the farmers to convey the message. After being stunned for a long time, he said, "Everyone learn from Dazhai, work hard, it's over." Then I asked me to talk about philosophy?I said I didn't reform well.The director said stop talking nonsense and talk about it quickly.I started to talk about philosophy, but within 20 days, the woman at the bottom held the soles of her shoes and said, "Let's not talk about this, let's talk about it yesterday and afternoon!" It is not easy to hold a meeting of farmers in the village.The big trumpet blares, at six o'clock, and at eight o'clock, one will come out with a pipe in his mouth for a while, and another will come out after a while.Peasants are not afraid of going to the top, because they are at the bottom, where do you think they will be expelled?The commune brigade decided to meet "20%" every day.Ten points a day and two points at night, so I earn the 20% for meetings.Sit and talk nonsense.The cadre is also fooling at both ends. He also knows that the top is tossing, but he dare not speak deeply about the bottom, so let's support it!At that time, there was not a single village that did not hide its production and divided it privately. There was not enough food.The higher-ups are blindly directing, and they all plant "anti-revision No. 7".The "Anti-revision No. 7" is not tasty.The commune is not allowed to plant or not.Farmers also have the law, the outer circle is all planted with "Fanxiu No. 7", and the inner circle is planted with local sorghum.As soon as the inspectors from above arrived, the brigade had already prepared wine and meat.If you don't block their mouths, there will be nothing in your own mouth! 我在这儿改造完了，临走时主任对我说，我看你还真不像个大城市的伢子是吧，你心直口快，不行啊这个，到哪恶帐的话别说，叫人硌硬的话别说，犯忌的话别说。这是这一段。 七二年我分配到一个公社的中学教书。说老实话在农民里头呀，要是弄错一步几十年也翻不过身来。因这里比较封闭。大城市一下班，大家到点蹬上自行车人就散了；彼此住在单元房子里人与人没啥联系。在农村，多少年来，都是守在一堆儿。连你祖爷爷那辈的事都知道，你祖爷爷尿炕不尿炕的事也都能考证出来。所以那阵你要有一步走不好就不好办啦。再有，长期对知识分子有个偏见，就是那些年留下的根。认为你自高自大，能言善辩，不好斗，群众关系不易弄好。这几条说老实话对我的评价也是够准确的。我在公社中学教书时赶上"修教路线回潮"。有一次班上有个女生没上课，问她，态度还特别蛮。说，昨天我吃干饭去了。"吃干饭"是那里的方言。谁家娶媳妇大家随几元钱份子就到人家吃饭去，叫"吃干饭"。农村平时吃不上白米饭，吃一次也算享受吧，可我不懂。我说你为顿饭就不上课，怎么那那么没羞没臊呢？没羞没臊是我老家的口头语，搁这儿就相当重了。那女生哭得没完没了。好家伙，这可坏了，当时正是闹"黄帅事件"啊，好多同学围着我批我哟，学校领导逼着我一次一次检查。我就成了"修教路线"的典型了。师道尊严啊。我这命运始终跟"文革"连着。"文革"有嘛事，都能跟我连上，学校农场有八十亩地，校革委会主任说你种地去吧。我就把铺盖卷上去农场了。种茄子、辣椒、西红柿、莴笋和菜花，倒也不错。可是到七五年我就完全消沉了。因为在私下里借了一本《红都女皇》，是个手抄本。看完之后马上还给人家，可我心里感到迷惘了。本来林彪事件一出来后，说老实话，我好几天都没睡好觉，感到好多过去那么神圣的东西，那么祟拜的东西原来都是假的，但那时对毛主席的感情还没变。那阵一看报纸就琢磨，自打林彪死了后，毛主席老的速度就特别快就是呀。这时再看江青的事，再加上社会的丑恶现象，真是迷惘呀，也就完全消沉下来。我想，自己都三十岁了，这么功不成名不就，干点什么呢？ 七六年，地震时差点没给砸死。全校房子都倒了，大家都睡在一块儿。地震之后我反而莫名其妙有点解脱感。我说这叫神鬼怕恶的啊。我说反正我一无所成，到处碰壁，也入不了党了，该怎么办就怎么办吧，逮谁闹谁吧。结果这一下人们反倒害怕你了，横冲宣撞倒嘛事没事了。可是每次闹了之后；自己思想里就特别空虚：这是干什么呢！我又觉得累得慌，特别没劲。自己背地翻《聊斋》，反正都是文言，别人都看不懂，看来看去就看出鬼、狐、神、怪，整天半人半鬼，不明白不糊涂，倒也不错。打倒了"四人帮"之后，我才第一次明白这是特别巨大的受骗！没等清醒，又到了清查。清查呀，还是两派，一派整一派。原先那一派打人凶手都没事，结果给我们来材料共有五条。又是一些捏造的假东西。清查本来是为了安定考虑的，可是一拨人又利用这个整另一拨人。这个历史欠帐将来谁再来还。而且挨整的这拨人都是我这个岁数的人，从三十五岁到四十五岁。当时红卫兵就是初中、高中、大学这部分人呀。所以这几年哪我思想还是沉闷。有时我就想，地球那么大，天天你跟我斗，我跟你斗，有什么劲呀！不累吗？可是我这个人天生精力特别旺盛，说老实话我觉得现在还没给国家使出劲儿来呢。从近几年开始我另找一条路。我就想了，搞语法太枯燥，搞文学创作自己又没有才华，可是我爱看小说，有文学底子，我懂语言，于是给自己定了一个五年计划，一定要在修辞上打出一个局面来，在修辞界挤进去。这几年哪，我读了很多书，发表了一些个语言方面的文章。但是写来写去呀感到苦恼，因为我底子太差就是。我特别感到我没有受过完整的高等学校教育，可是还顶着大学毕业的牌子。现在修辞学开始向立体发展，得需要社会学、语言学、心理学、美学，需要好多知识，而且向各个边缘科学发展。孤立的静止的过去那种考据式的研究根本没有前途。有时我觉得有压力，这个压力就觉得国家养我这么大了，我总得给国家干点什么。我不想飞黄腾达，只想我自己的位置呀。说起对于"文革"中自己那一段呀，到现在为止我也不后悔。从政治上彻底否定这场"文革"，我没有任何异义。但是做为一场运动不能简单地否定，不能简单地政治划线。我觉得中央呢，我是这样理解的，说老实话，咱们中央现在也是够难的，难在哪儿呢？难在中国这封建主义基础太深厚。我在农村呆了这么多年，深感到现在在农村就是封建社会主义。你不知道上上下下的官儿们，都结成网。我不光说我那县，哪儿都是结成网。只要你撞上网，再也择不清楚啦。你择网时，别人的枪已经过来了就是。所以我感到中央改革非常难。再说对"文革"的评价呀，中央出于拨乱反正的考虑，从政治上彻底否定，这是必要的。因为政治这个东西应该这么干，政治不能讲人情，政治斗争是没有诚实性可言的呢，这是需要。就好像一个屋里原来住的这家走了，你进来好好收拾，但怎么看怎么也像过去，必须连好的带坏的都扯去。可是我觉得不该否定的就是红卫兵。对红卫兵应该做历史的分析。我感到对红卫兵的历史分析不用我们这一代人考虑了；说老实话，对一场伟大的斗争，或者对一场错误的斗争，不是一个很近的距离就可以做出正确评价的。我对这点充满信心。就是现在，评价好"文革"也不可能。说老实话，我现在看一些电视剧和电影，还有别的文艺作品，把红卫兵描写的像国民党兵似的，这不公正。那些作家，如果他们没参加"文革"可以谅解；参加了"文革"，还要那样描写，那纯粹是不讲作家的良心。有的电影，来了一辆刑车，一群红卫兵上去，把男的拽出来了，女的眼泪刷刷就下来了，那孩子还追两步，也不知怎么一绊倒下了，妈呀，爸呀，伴着音乐效果走去了，哪有那事？红卫兵哪有那事？红卫兵那阵也爱孩子着呢，是吧。红卫兵运动是个历史悲剧，但有人拿它跟党卫军相比，太不公平了。红卫兵是自发运动，党卫军直接受纳粹操纵，完全两码事呀！对于当红卫兵当然不能说我不感到惭愧，可我也不后悔。然而有些东西可以忏悔。到了我这个岁数，反思得特别厉害。我觉得我们这拨人哪，也可能是国家最稳定的因素。他们深知两种路线不同的苦。他们受过那种集中听党的话的教育，而且在当前这种开放局面，这拨人一般都比较稳定。他们既不像老的那一代盲目地反对，也不像年轻的一代准备全部接拿过来。毛泽东同志那阵子给我最大的是阶级感情，我到现在为止，到什么时候不致于胡作非为，不堕落，困难时也不堕落。但我也恨，恨那时教我们盲从，教我们单线思维，不会多项思维，不会逆向思维。实际上他老人家呢，还说过不少这样的话：打倒奴隶主义，埋葬教条主义。但是他是一个叶公好龙的人，你一旦真这样干的时候，他又不干了。我今后，我是这样想，我还可以给国家再干三十年。我只想规规矩矩地把国家给我的工作认真搞好，活得不也好受点吗？that is. ***世上最大的悲剧，莫过于圣徒受骗。 ***