Chapter 15 i have changed

In 1967, a 27-year-old male teacher of a primary school in T City I pay great attention to the "safety factor"--April 4th is a bad day in my life--little pistol on the key chain--I'm going to be a "nuclear weapon"--everything inside is the opposite of outside--the day after tomorrow couple of In everyone's life, there is a day that will be remembered forever.Birthday does not count, it is bound to be remembered, if there is no birthday, there will be no you.I'm talking about another kind - such as first love, marriage, divorce, the day when parents die and so on.This day is closely related to your life.I also have a day, April 4th.

April 4th is an unlucky day.Napoleon was unlucky on April 4th, Ali Bhutto was hanged on April 4th, and Zhang Zhixin was shot on April 4th.I was arrested and sent to prison on April 4th.April 4, 1970. I was sentenced to 20 years in prison, and my sentence should expire on April 3, 1990.The sentence is calculated on a yearly basis, and the date of release is one day earlier than that of the prisoner, otherwise the prisoner will be detained for an extra day.So on April 4th, I was doomed to be unlucky. Until now, on this day, it feels like my death is approaching. I feel uncomfortable and cold, and I don’t dare to think about anything.

This day is like a nail that once nailed me to the cross; now I have been taken off, but the nail is still there.Deep, firmly, nailed to my heart. I have been in prison for ten years, and I don't know why I was in prison, nor why I was sentenced.When the court read my "judgment", I was surprised and asked: "Is this mine?" I didn't understand it until I was released.It’s okay if you don’t understand, if you don’t understand, you still feel that there is always some reason, even if it’s because I trampled an ant to death.As soon as I understand, it's over, and the people are empty.It seems that it is not on the earth, but in the boundless and cold universe.

Ten years is like a knife, cutting me in half.Half of the past and half of the future will never be connected as a whole.You won't experience this feeling -- two steps down the middle, you're still alive. I used to be like a fool.Living is like dreaming. My own history couldn't be simpler.You write it--I was born in April.Elementary school, middle school, 18 years old when I graduated from middle school, did not pass the university entrance exam, and obeyed the assignment to teach in an elementary school.I never left school.A brook flows into society without turning a corner.This creek is crystal clear.I live sincerely and earnestly.However, God created some trouble for me beforehand, telling me to be reborn in the belly of a dog.

My father is a big capitalist and the general manager of a salt company.But after he was liberated, he stopped working.He likes calligraphy, painting and ancient books. He studies at home all day, plays with calligraphy and painting, and rarely goes out to show his face.Because he was so famous, when he became a member of the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference, he wore a solemn Chinese tunic suit. Whenever a car came to pick him up from a meeting, he changed into a Chinese tunic suit and went to the meeting with a cane.The calligraphy and paintings in his collection are all high-quality treasures, and most of the money he has spent in his life has been spent on them.Many great calligraphers and painters, such as Zhang Daqian, Qi Baishi, etc. are his friends.When I was born, Zhang Daqian also drew a picture for me - on a red stone painted with cinnabar, there was a small stone green snake lying on its stomach, because I belong to the snake.After liberation, he donated these collections to the government in batches.For example, the forty-four-foot-long "Mohe Picture Scroll" by Bada Shanren, and Yun Nantian's "Boneless Flower Album" in 24 copies are all exquisite masterpieces!There is also Wen Zhengming's "Crossing the Spring River", which has an inscription and postscript by one of the eighteen scholars of Wumen.Zhu Zhishan is famous all over the world for his regular script, but behind this painting is his postscript in cursive script of more than a thousand words-all these paintings were donated by my father.He did this because he wanted to do good deeds sincerely, and secondly, he wanted to buy some political capital.At that time, all capitalists had this mentality.

This kind of psychology has also been inherited from me, so it adds some complexity to my sincerity.On the one hand, I religiously reinvent myself. If there is a problem in the "bloodline", I am determined to "change blood" for myself, and strive for good performance in everything.On the other hand, I am very careful about my "safety factor".I reflect on myself three times a day, and almost every day I have to think about what I said and what I did today, which made the leader unhappy; if there is, I feel that this coefficient has decreased.But if the leader praises what I say or do today, I feel that this coefficient has increased sharply, and I feel safe, down-to-earth, and have a sense of security.When I did this, I really received very good results. I joined the league when I was in school, and became a member of the league organization, chairman of the labor union, and member of the core group after work.I was really flattered to be regarded as the "core" by the leader, and my desire to repay was extremely strong, and I behaved more positively.I like history, and I am also fascinated by calligraphy and painting. I read ancient books and learned calligraphy with an old gentleman.For example, I have a suit, light blue, which I have only worn once.It was the Lantern Festival that time, and many relatives and friends came to the house. I put it on and looked at it in the mirror, and I thought it looked pretty, but afterwards I realized that it was the emergence of bourgeois consciousness lurking in my blood. During the period, the suit was hung in the cabinet and never touched until it was confiscated during the Cultural Revolution.

I found a way of life that suits me: Actively work in the unit to strive for leadership praise + as ordinary clothes as possible + be cautious in words and deeds = safety factor. Then use this safety factor + the enjoyment of poetry, calligraphy and painting in my spare time = my whole life. Going home from get off work every day, the greatest joy is reading, reciting ancient poems, practicing calligraphy, and painting.Open a big dark cabinet, literally move out the ancients in the family one by one, and indulge in the exquisite writing... Now young people may think that I live a pitiful life, pitiful!Poor as a poultry.But the most pitiful thing is that I thought it was pretty good to live like this at the time, calm and self-sufficient. You see, these are the words I wrote at that time: quiet, elegant, and cautious, this is me.This is my photo, it's very polite, and a little stiff, hey, it's just silly.

On August 23, 1966, the Red Guards ransacked the house.I was writing a slogan at school to promote Mao Zedong Thought.I was still a member of the "core group" at the time.Suddenly an old classmate came to me on a bicycle and told me: "Your house has been copied." After speaking, he turned around and left.I just feel dizzy.Afterwards, I was placed among a group of people with problems, and I confessed my family problems and was criticized.The whole house was confiscated, and those treasures of calligraphy and painting, famous paintings by Shi Tao, Gao Fenghan, Ren Bonian, and Ren Fuchang were all turned into a pile of ashes.Do you know what it's like to have "life gone"?All of a sudden, all life is gone, like a fish is suddenly pulled out of the water and into the air, that's what it feels like.What safety factor?They are all lying to themselves!Safety factor - zero!I just hold this huge zero, let it be anything else, it doesn't have any meaning at all.

A home with nothing.There are only a few people left in the family, my parents, brothers and myself; all I have left is eating and drinking.I read quotations all day long, did examinations, and asked questions over and over again. My name often appeared in the Daewoo newspaper.Including the non-smiling expressions of those colleagues who have no problems, and the cold tone of calling my name, I am used to it, and there is nothing unacceptable in this world.When I saw groups of people beaten, arrested, imprisoned, and committed suicide, I thought, peace is freedom.In other words, freedom that is very specific and real is nothing but peace.

I probably have no problem getting this "freedom". But suddenly one day, I was detained. After the matter is figured out, I am not afraid of uncle.The cause was the most chaotic time in early 1967. The father of a friend of my younger brother was the party secretary of a middle school in Beijing.He was beaten to death as a capitalist roader, so he couldn't stand it, so he escaped from Beijing to hide.I saw that he was in trouble, so I left him to stay at my house temporarily.I can cook, and sometimes some old classmates come to eat and chat together.After more than a week, he went south to a relative's house in Yangzhou.He returned to school in Beijing after the high tide of sports.He is more experienced. In order to win the masses to unite him, he reported on me, saying that there is a black organization in my family.What?Forgetful thinking, no no, forgetful thinking was common at that time.

I thought, I have roots in this matter, because I dare not organize anything.After tossing around for a while, internal investigations and external investigations could not find any evidence, so they came to a conclusion for me, saying that I belonged to the kind of "children of the exploiting class who can be educated by pushing and pulling", and should be "handled according to the contradictions among the people." , let me go.He also gave me a badge of Chairman Mao.This is a badge of Chairman Mao issued by the Municipal Revolutionary Committee. Only those who belong to the "revolutionary masses" are issued one. It is equivalent to a kind of citizenship, or the current ID card.Wearing this badge, I happily married a girl. On the day of the wedding, looking at my lover, I was still thinking, from now on, I have to take a breath and think about not doing anything wrong, or I will be sorry for this poor woman who is willing to spend my days with me, a poor ghost.But I didn't expect that the unlucky day of April 4th was waiting for me. I didn't even catch my breath. After 40 days of marriage, on April 4th, 1968, the Revolutionary Committee of the Public Security Bureau suddenly came to arrest me. Captured and put in jail.This time I was scared, I did not commit any crime, how could I be arrested and imprisoned?I wonder if they caught the wrong guy?I didn't dare to ask, because it was right to arrest people at that time.Human beings are like chickens and cats, how can it be wrong to catch them? Once in prison, you must wear prison clothes and shoes.There was a pile of shoes lying there, and I picked a pair that fit me well.When I put on the shoes, I found that the number 171 was written in red paint on the upper.My heart froze, and I thought badly, my prisoner number also happened to be 171.I was destined to come in.This is called a hint of fate. Of course, I still have luck.Because I know I have not committed any crime.Who knows that life is so severe that it won't even give you luck. I was interrogated six times in a row, all in the middle of the night, and the questions I asked were extremely strange.Keep asking me one question--tell me to hand over my pistol.I thought, something must be wrong, not me.I said, you're telling me to go out and get one now; I don't even know where to get one.I was in school when I was a child, and I was still in school when I came out to work. Except in movies, I have never seen this thing. After six interrogations, I was no longer asked any questions, as if this was a strange thing that could never have been dreamed of. I was put in prison and studied every day.The equipment in this kind of prison is very special. There are low benches in the middle of the room. During the day, the prisoners sit in rows and read Chairman Mao’s works and political propaganda materials;There is a palm-sized small door on the door, which is the monitoring hole for the guards. As long as the small door is moved, the prisoners will immediately sit down.Later, the small door was changed into a mercury mirror, with a road scratched on it, and the mirror faced inward.Watching the night, you can see the inside from the outside, but you can only see the bright mercury mirror inside, and you can't see the outside. It's wonderful!As a result, none of the prisoners dared to slack off.Once, I stood in front of the door and looked in the mirror, and I was shocked. My face was so ugly, pale, my cheeks were sunken, and there were two obvious pits on the left and right.I found out later that I was infected with tuberculosis. I figured if they found out I didn't have a pistol at all, they'd let me out.It must be the wrong person, unless someone framed it, who?I never dare to offend anyone.Who would have the heart to put me to death?Besides, the case of the secretary of the party committee of the middle school in Beijing has been closed. One day, I was interrogated suddenly, and it was still this pistol. I was a little anxious and said, "There is nothing to consider about this matter." This is the first time in my life that I dare to offend an official.Unexpectedly, the examiner didn't get angry, but calmed down. He said, "Don't close the door too early. Let me remind you, think about it from the toys." I'm surprised, how can such a serious matter of life and death be involved in toys?I said, "I've seen a toy pistol, but think about it, I'm a teacher, so I can't carry a toy pistol with me all day long!" The examiner was really patient today, he said, "Don't worry, think about it again, you can carry it with you." I think again, yes!It's the little ornament on the key chain, two centimeters in size, a gift from a friend, and it's French.The copper is embedded with silver wires, which is very beautiful.I said, "There is one, it's a little pendant on a key chain." The examiner said, "That's right, why didn't you confess earlier?" I was dumbfounded.Should I be jailed for a keychain?Can I use this gadget to commit crimes?Every family has kitchen knives, so they all have to go to jail?I opened my mouth at him, speechless. He said, "Just write the question down!" question?The sky is full of dark clouds, and my brain is also confused.I wrote down who gave this little key chain to me, when it was carried on me, and when the house was confiscated and ordered.He also asked me to draw a picture as it is.He looked at my "problem explanation", nodded and praised me and said, "What a good attitude you have!" From my arrest to my sentence, I was only questioned about this one thing and nothing else. I was released for eight or nine months. At first I thought it was time to let me out if this was cleared up.After a long time, I will wonder, and after a long time, I will feel that something is wrong.There is a sense of disaster.It's as if I've been gripped tightly by a very strange magic hand.I don't know whose hand it is.Just a feeling.I can't escape. Sure enough, on November 26th, it snowed lightly that day.Someone called: "No. 171!" As soon as I left the house, many armed policemen came up, tied me up with ropes, put me on a big truck with other prisoners on board, and took me to a big theater for a public trial. .When I arrived at the Grand Theater, I was ordered to stand at the head of a row of prisoners. At that time, the first one was the one with the heaviest sentence, and most of them were shot.I thought, I'm done, it's boring.No matter what to say, what to shout, it is useless.I'm a chicken that deserves to be slaughtered.There were two small details that day that were very special. When I was tied up, a little policeman pinched my wrist and twirled it in the sleeve, saying: "If you tighten it too tightly, just talk." On the way, the car often encountered Branches, it was this little policeman who said to me again: "Low your head, be careful of branches." At that time, sympathy for prisoners was never allowed, but he did not betray anyone when he said these words.So I thought that I was probably going to be shot, and it is customary to be polite to the prisoner before shooting.I realized afterwards that it was entirely out of his natural kindness.It's a pity that I was in the mood at that time, and it was impossible to pay attention to him and remember his face. The court sentenced me to three crimes: 1. Extremely reactionary thinking. 2. Attack the proletarian headquarters and various policies of the Cultural Revolution. 3. During the Cultural Revolution, using his home as a base, he listened to enemy radio broadcasts, complained for Liu Shaoqi, and attempted to organize a counter-revolutionary group. All three of these are capital offenses.When I was in nothingness, I only heard the shout from the stage: "Sentenced to fixed-term imprisonment--twenty years!" When I heard it, it was only twenty years?Oh, I'm alive again, I'm fine, I don't think it's been more than twenty years. After being sentenced, our school sent him to ×× Prison to serve his sentence.First of all, I must be taught how to obey the law.They asked me what I thought, and I said, "I just feel that this judgment is mine? I don't have any of these things. Why have you never asked me?" I always said that, it was stubborn resistance, and I was sent to a special study class in the prison called "Flesh and Flesh Study Class".If you don't plead guilty, you will be beaten, and your flesh and blood will fly. That's what it means, isn't it fierce? But to be honest, I was never beaten.Because my tuberculosis has started to vomit blood, I wear two masks every day and hold a sealed plastic sputum cup in my hand. - Spit a cup of blood for more than an hour.Every time I vomit blood, I think this is probably the last bite. I was locked up for four months and I still couldn't plead guilty.One day the army representative and the head of the discipline section called me in. I was wearing a big hollow black padded jacket and sat on a stool with a spit cup in my hand. The head of the discipline department said, "You can just say what you have today, and you can say whatever you want." I said, "Why was the fact that I was interviewed during the preliminary trial written in the verdict? It was said that I eavesdropped on the enemy's radio station, but during the Cultural Revolution my house was ransacked and the floor was left. Where can I find a radio to listen to the enemy's radio station?" If you want to write this article, you have to ask me to listen to it now to count as one! How can I plead guilty? Tell me.” After I finished speaking, I coughed again. When I coughed, my throat felt itchy and I wanted to vomit blood. The discipline chief gave me a cup of hot water to drink.He flicked through my materials, then pushed them to the military representative, and without avoiding me, he said, "Look, it's this again!" The military representative looked at it, but said nothing, and the two fell silent for a long time.The head of the correctional section said: "There are discrepancies in the sentence. We can't solve it. Now is not the time to solve this problem. You must pass the test of pleading guilty. What should you do? Let me tell you a way and stop raising this issue from today on, okay?" " I said, "I didn't mention it, but I always mention this to me every day." The head of the discipline department said, "Okay, we won't mention it in the future. Let me ask you, do you have bourgeois thinking, and can you criticize your own thinking?" I said, "Yes, it can be approved." The head of the discipline department said, "Okay, you go back and get ready, hurry up." The next day, the prison convened all the prisoners to listen to me criticize my bourgeois ideology, such as family problems, vain career, and wanting to become famous and start a family.After the incident, the head of the correctional department said, "His self-criticism is very deep. He digs the root of the crime. You give him your opinion, whether he digs deep or not?" The head of the discipline department has already said that it is profound, who dares to say that it is not profound.This counts as my pleading guilty and obeying the law, and returning to the prison cell from "flesh and blood flying all over the place".Freed from the prison within the prison, although not out of the prison, it is very different after all.It seems to have ascended from the eighteenth hell to the fifteenth hell. I am very grateful to the head of the discipline department.At that time, in that place, human nature behaved like this.Not long after, he was transferred to the Municipal Public Security Bureau, but I was rehabilitated and released with his help.That's another story. A person was sentenced to 20 years in prison, and he never thought that he would come out alive one day.What's more, my tuberculosis has spread to the whole body.Pulmonary tuberculosis, lymphatic tuberculosis, abdominal tuberculosis, epididymal tuberculosis... I am about to become a "nuclear weapon".The doctor in the prison treated me seriously.As long as I don't vomit blood on the seventh day, I will dig an air-raid shelter.Why, I can't tell, neither for the sake of positive performance to come out early, nor to destroy myself to die early.I was empty of all four elements, and my heart was quite peaceful.You ask me what I rely on as my spiritual support, but I have no support.Although I am a political prisoner, I don't understand politics at all. The political prisoners at that time did not "commit" anything for the sake of politics, but were victims of political needs.I don't even understand why I'm in prison. Where can I find the spiritual support?Life and death are left to nature. My wife divorced me, and my mother came to visit the prison. I never shed tears, and I didn't feel emotional, nor did I intentionally. It's strange, it's gone.That's fine.There, any feelings, hopes, or beliefs will become self-torture.I don't believe in anything anymore, what's the point of living like this.The only pastime is to write and write out poems and essays that I can recite.I asked my family to send some snow lotus paper, typed into an eight-line grid like a thread-bound book, and wrote it one by one in various scripts of real grass and official script, calling myself "Ancient Tune Tao Ranlu". Tao Ran is not enjoying himself.It doesn't matter if there is happiness, if there is happiness there must be suffering.Wanting to be happy is also a pursuit; without pursuit, it is a piece of nature.This is a state where life is death, death is life, and life and death blend together.Without this realm, I would not be able to live today. How many people around me have gone crazy, stupid, died of illness or committed suicide!Sigh, can you understand my words? After being in prison for nearly ten years, the only thing that left a deep impression on me was a prisoner who used to be a pre-examiner of the Public Security Bureau. He told me why he was in prison: once, he accepted to handle a very special case, it was a gang rape case.The defendants were all prominent members of the Cultural Revolution mass organization, and one of them was a member of the Municipal Revolutionary Committee. During the pre-trial process, he found that when the plaintiff told the facts of the murder, he made one statement at a time and did not match the facts. He reported it to the police as "the evidence is not convincing and the case cannot be filed".A few days later, a senior official came to talk to him and said that according to the needs of the situation, who should be convicted, who should be sentenced to death, and who should have a suspended death sentence, have all been decided.There is a request from above, and he is required to implement it.Tell him not to "do the opposite."After the conversation, he went home and said to his wife: "I may have to go out for a long time, don't ask me where I am going, and don't ask anyone about me." Then he took the quilt to the office, opened the file, and wrote four words on it. A big character "keep people under the sword".Then sat on the roll of quilt and waited.Immediately he was arrested as an "active counter-revolutionary".Before the so-called "gang raper" was sentenced, he was sentenced to seven years in prison. I used to always feel that my case was unjust and untenable, and I always wondered what was going on. After hearing what he said, I didn't even guess. The world is like this, what is the injustice? Not even feeling wronged, this is truly detached from the world.The days went smoothly too.I even feel that "it's only one day in prison, but three years in this world".Before we knew it, the Cultural Revolution was over. One day in 1977, I was letting the wind out in the yard, basking greedily in the sun, pinching lice, and pulling out my beard.There was a small gatehouse next to the big iron gate with the machine gun on it, and someone called my name through the window inside.I went over, and he walked out. It turned out to be the head of the discipline department who rescued me from the "flesh and blood study class".He saw no one was around, so he said let's go for a walk. After walking for a long time, he didn't say anything, but kept rubbing his muscular face with his hands, making the stubble crackle.After getting away from the crowd, he said in a low voice, "Hurry up and write a complaint. I'll pick it up tomorrow morning, and it's still here." After speaking, it was decided. I froze and stood there for a long time.You see, this matter is interesting.I wrote a complaint and stuffed it in his hands the next day. As for me, I was not much shocked by this incident.The stone fell into the ancient well, and the waves stopped. The complaint was given to him for more than a year, but nothing happened.If I were full of joy from that day on, longing day and night, wouldn’t I be torturing myself? By this time I had stopped working hard.Worked as an assistant to a prisoner who was an architect in the architectural design office of the prison.I can draw and help him draw pictures.Suddenly one day, the correctional staff came to me and said, "Pack up your things, someone from your family has come to pick you up." I went to the Disciplinary Department, where my brothers and sisters were all there, and they were happy to see me.The court read my "Ruling Letter", and said in a few words that "my words and deeds during the Cultural Revolution did not constitute counter-revolutionary crimes, and I was acquitted and released after appealing and reviewing." Then the "Ruling Letter" was handed over to me , and gave me more than a dozen yuan, some food stamps; a stack of certification letters, which were used to report to the police station, to register the food quota at the grain store, to report to the work unit, and so on.When there is nothing else, people come out.It's as simple as the situation when I went in, and it's just as unclear. On the way home, I saw people coming and going in the long-lost world, familiar and strange, kind and strange.It's the same feeling when the astronauts return to the earth.When I got home, the breath of my loved ones, all the old things, all the details I saw all of a sudden brought back memories, and all the forgotten things were awakened, and my heart was a little turbulent.After all, I am still a mortal, not a fairy.But I didn't shed tears, it's not that my heart is hard, it's really that my heart is weak.My calmness probably surprised the family members quite a bit.Perhaps it was because I had changed from the outside to the inside that my family was crying! A week or so later, someone from the court gave me a subpoena, a blue one, telling me to go and tell me: "You can take a business leave, but don't get me wrong, our leader wants to talk to you." As soon as I entered the court, the leader was very enthusiastic. He came up and touched my shoulder and said: "Come on, come on, let's meet again this time, let's have a good talk, if you don't talk, you won't die anyway." I know!" I waited strangely for him to say.He said: "During the Cultural Revolution, there was a February 1st speech, did you know that?" "I don't remember." I said.In the early days of the Cultural Revolution, I had no idea who was fighting who in society, and I didn't care much. He said: "After the February 1st speech, Jiang Qing criticized the military control committee here, saying, 'Your class struggle is not doing well. The children of capitalists in Shanghai and Beijing organized counter-revolutionary groups, and they were caught in time. There are There are so many children of capitalists, how could there be no counter-revolutionary group?” So, the military control committee here hastily arrested a group of children of capitalists, and you are one of them, because you haven’t seen a middle school party secretary in Beijing expose your affairs before. Is it? But in the investigation, I couldn't find any connection between you and other people. You can't form a group, and you can't release it. You have to make one or two exchanges and report it. Therefore, the verdict says that you are "attempting to organize a counter-revolutionary group." ’, a syndicate, but not a real syndicate. So you don’t have an accomplice, do you? That’s what you really are.” If you don't understand it, it's easy, and if you understand it, it's even more empty. He went on to say, "I'm from Beijing. I'm worse than you. You've been in prison for ten years, and I've been in prison for eleven years. However, I was released a few months earlier than you. The central government sent me to investigate the unjust, false and wrong cases here. When I investigated, I found two strange cases, one of which was yours. The materials and the sentence did not match at all. I also saw the complaint you wrote a year ago, so I quickly set about rehabilitating your case. Forget it, it’s all in the past, you are still young, and the road ahead is still long, right! For your unit, don’t blame them, even they don’t know what’s going on. To be honest, The county magistrate might as well be in charge now, be smart, don't make trouble anymore, what I tell you is all from the bottom of my heart. Will you listen to what I have to say?" There was an impulse in his enthusiasm.Ten years ago, I would hug him, but now I just smile.Hey, I've already let things take their course. People are in prison and outside, just the opposite. On the outside, you hope for the good and not the bad; but inside, you hope for the bad and not the good. If something good comes to you, you will murmur.For example, tell you to change your clothes and go home and have a look, is that okay?bad thing!Most likely your father is dead, your mother is critically ill, and what happened to your wife.If it turns out to be particularly fierce to you, fight you, it’s okay, it’s normal, can you still buy beer in prison?But wouldn't it be a bad thing if you were fighting outside? Besides, when the gate of a prison is locked, there must be someone inside, and when it is open, there must be no one inside.Doesn't it just happen that there are people outside when it is open, and no one when it is locked?Why else would thieves pick locks?Also, the locks outside the prison are all inside the door, and the locks inside the prison are all outside the door. It is completely opposite!You think about it, don't you? In prison, you should think that you are well disciplined and sleep well.When there are a lot of people, they are crowded one by one, and the narrowest space is only seven inches wide for each person. After urinating at night, they will not be able to find their own berths.But if they think you are dishonest and dangerous, they will ask you to sleep in a private room instead.The treatment is also reversed. Eating, you will never be full inside, and the hunger is very strong.I still don't feel full after eating four corn buns in one meal.Every day when I share meals, my eyes are green, but if I let you eat as much as I want today, I don’t know what will happen now, I will take care of you, and this care will kill you. The strangest thing is that after I was released, I always dreamed that I was locked in the prison and couldn't get out, hitting the cage, but in prison, I never had a dream of being trapped in the prison.You can go anywhere in your dream, famous mountains and scenic spots, all over the world, wherever you want to go.Some dreams are still very clear now.For example, once in a dream, I took a big car at the gate of Shuguang Cinema, and the car was full of acquaintances, who didn't know who it was.The car drove away, and there were garden houses on both sides, exquisite and beautiful, ouch, there are small buildings with pointed roofs like in fairy tales, all kinds of buildings, with lights on, very beautiful.I walked into a small corner, the grassy path, quite dark, vaguely there is a Chinese-style pavilion, the style is very special, it is two and a half pavilions connected together, big pillars, lattice fans, inside sells food , are my favorite food, I just eat and eat, delicious... But after I released this kind of dream, I couldn't even dream it. Until now, I am still afraid of good things, not bad things.People told me that my calligraphy was going to be sent to the national exhibition, and I suddenly muttered for no reason, I don’t know what’s wrong, trouble, follow behind. I'm not numb, but few things excite me particularly.You are excited for some good thing, but how do you know it must be a good thing?You are excited because of bad things, but so what if it is really bad, and what can it do to you?Look at me, I worked hard to earn a "safety factor" outside in those years. It seems that the factor is quite high, but in fact it doesn't matter.How people really treat you can only be seen when they drag you down.When you are released and the policy is implemented, everyone smiles at you, isn't it good?fake.So...so what?Therefore, my old classmates said that I am more self-willed and presumptuous now.He does things and speaks according to his own temper, and rarely considers others.I agree with this view.I have tasted the consequences of letting others go, and now I can only let myself go. My ex-wife is married to someone else.She had a child, not that man's.I was arrested forty days after I was married to her, which was April 4th, a bad day.The child was born at the end of October.My ex-wife said she carried it, not mine.The child looks very much like my sister, so I won't get into it.I sometimes go to see her and the children, as old friends.This child has a strange affinity with me.Of course, being close doesn't explain anything, and I don't ask for any explanation, being close is enough.That's how it should be, that's how it should be. Ever since I got tuberculosis of the epididymis in prison, I have completely lost my sexual function.The prisoners in the prison have ejaculation and masturbation, but I have none of them.After I come out, I don’t want to get married and start a family anymore, so let’s be an eminent monk for the rest of my life.Then I met a divorced woman.I said openly that I was no good at this aspect. I didn't expect her to say that she had a child with dystocia, abdominal cavity inflammation, and surgery to remove all the rotten organs of the lesbians, and she didn't ask for this.We bonded.The two of them don't have this kind of need, they don't mess with each other, they live in peace, take care of each other, and on the contrary, they can't do without each other.This is the real entry into the realm of desirelessness.It is also called a natural pair, no, seriously, it should be called an acquired pair. One day, when I was rummaging through the old things returned after the implementation of the policy, I suddenly came across a picture I wrote before the Cultural Revolution, which surprised me.It seems that I wrote it, and it seems that another person wrote it.I just realized that I have completely changed, a different person.In any case, I can't catch up with the past, and I can't go back to that road, but I'm not sad.I know very well that being sad is helping fate to harm oneself.Why do you have trouble with yourself, just live as you do now.Don't hurt others, and don't hurt yourself. I just believe that no one can change me back again. *** God, who created man, was defeated by the "Cultural Revolution". ***