Chapter 32 Chapter Thirty-Two

Taiwanese writer Long Yingtai wrote in her book: I slowly and slowly realized that the so-called father-daughter mother-child relationship just means that the fate between you and him is that you are constantly watching him in this life. His back gradually drifted away.You stand at this end of the path, watching him gradually disappear at the turn of the path, and he silently tells you with his back: don't chase. Yes, there is no need to chase, even if you want to chase, you will not be able to catch up.San Mao is like this, time and time again, leaving her parents behind.The same is true of her parents, who kept watching her back, from the prime of life to the old age of gray hair.This time, Sanmao breaks out of the cocoon and turns into a butterfly, and flies away.In this life, I can no longer catch up with her footsteps, nor see her back.

Sanmao once said that life is a love affair. Since she has gone so resolutely, she must think that the love in this life is over.When the journey of life comes to an end, she must stop.Life varies in length, and the world has its ups and downs.In this world, whoever comes first must leave first.Those who used to walk with her, some left early, and some still have to go forward.No matter one day, wherever they are scattered, as long as they have each other in their hearts, it is warmth. "If you choose to end your life by yourself, you have to think about it, because to me, that will be a happy destination." We should bravely believe that Sanmao really chose to kill himself, and death is a happy ending. home.Although Sanmao could find all kinds of reasons why she would not commit suicide, no one could stop her desire to die.

"I have traveled everywhere in my life, including mainland China. I have done everything I need to do. I have nowhere to go. I feel so tired." This was not long before Sanmao died. What the mother said.In recent years, Sanmao has said such words countless times, and even failed to commit suicide several times.Mother Miao Jinlan felt that this was a literati's crazy talk, so she didn't take it too seriously. After Jose's death, Sanmao suffered so much.What's more, she hasn't encountered any heavy blows recently, and some trivial troubles, based on her ability to bear them, should be calm.But this time, she really gave up everything and reached the end.That's fine, I don't have to stand in the wind in the future, watching her thin and lonely back, drifting away again and again.

Father Chen Siqing has always had a premonition that his beloved daughter Sanmao will one day walk on that road of no return.He knew that the child had been withdrawn and sensitive since he was a child. He could hardly describe his daughter in words. He only felt that she was lonely all her life—the loneliness of her heart. The day after Sanmao's death, old father Chen Siqing went to Nanjing East Road, where there was an attic cabin where Sanmao lived.This style cottage is located in a quiet alley in a bustling place.There is a cherry blossom tree in the wooden house, and it is this cherry blossom that touched San Mao's inner softness.

"In the six and a half years of losing my husband, in this world, there is something I want. Then I am alive, and I still have love, falling in love with a small building, falling in love at first sight Let it go." This small building is San Mao's home after returning from a storm.But now, she doesn't want it anymore, it can be seen that the vulgar things are exhausting. After lingering all afternoon, Chen Siqing did not find the suicide note.The windows of the hut are bright and clean, simple and clear. It is obvious that Sanmao has cleaned them meticulously before leaving.Even the trash can next to the toilet lid, the bathtub and the seams of the floor tiles were spotless.On the wooden table on the top of the building is a copy of "The Complete Version of the Taishan Shiyu Diamond Sutra". My sister Chen Tianxin said that Sanmao often read Buddhist scriptures and Zen books recently.

In a daze, the father remembered that Sanmao had been talking to him all the time.She told her father many times that she likes "Good Song" in the Red Mansion the most. "Everyone in the world knows that gods are good, only fame and fame can't be forgotten! Where are the ancient and modern generals? The pile of grass in the barren mound is gone. The world knows that gods are good, only gold and silver can't be forgotten! In the end, I only regret that there are not many gatherings. closed..." Perhaps Sanmao felt that instead of living here alone, listening to the rain and falling flowers every night, and enduring a steady stream of distracting thoughts, it would be better to find a wider road for himself, avoiding the cycle of four seasons and the change of joy and sorrow.When leaving, Hong Chen made way for her, and the world didn't dare to say more.

According to Taiwan's language habits, San Mao passed away.The road that everyone has to walk, for thousands of years, the dead are silent, but the living can't stop their sorrow.After all, what she embarked on is a road that she can never turn back in this life.The temperature in Taipei dropped suddenly the next day, as if it was sending this tragic talented girl away. Miao Jinlan, the mother, wore a red sweater that Sanmao brought back for her from the mainland.On January 1st, Sanmao gave her mother an early birthday gift, a jade carving and a card.In recent years, Sanmao rarely gave her mother a birthday present, thinking it was tacky.But the day before going to the hospital for surgery, she suddenly solemnly gave gifts and cards to her mother.

My mother was very surprised, thinking that my birthday is not next month?San Mao said lightly: "I'm afraid it will be too late." Could it be that San Mao was already ready to commit suicide at that time?Or she felt guilty when she looked at her white-haired mother on a whim.I would like to take this opportunity to express the love that I have never said seriously for many years. Sanmao wrote on the card: "Dear mother, I can't express my eternal gratitude to you in thousands of words. Your children respect and love you 120,000 times." Does love have an afterlife?If so, will Sanmao continue the undying love in this life, start over with her relatives, and wait for a forever?In this life, she is determined to be a selfish person and live for herself once.From birth to death, she wants to be alone.She can abandon the world, but she cannot violate loneliness.

Sanmao's funeral was kept simple.Sanmao said before she was alive that she liked cremation and thought it was so clean.She likes yellow roses and doesn't like extravagance.The mother chose her daughter's favorite dress and put yellow roses on it for her.Just so quietly, send her to that distant place. Sanmao's ashes were placed on the pagoda of Yangmingshan No. 1 Cemetery.There is no safer thing in this world to be with the dead, this is what Sanmao said.When Sanmao was a child, in order to play truant, he went to the cemetery every day as a guest.Now she has finally become the master, there, there will be no more harm, no more separation.From then on, she could only be the most gentle person at ease.

The living people are still searching and mourning for her death.Sanmao's life was neither long nor short.But in the past forty-eight years, she has experienced an unusually rich process, traveling all over the mountains and rivers.Only when you die, leave no words, only infinite doubts, and infinite loneliness to all living beings. Sanmao's year-end relationship is so smooth that there is a recording of the phone call Sanmao made to him on the eve of his death. "Suimaoping, I'm Sanmao, are you at home? Where are you? Suimengping...you're not at home...OK! I'm Sanmao..." At that time, Suimingping was out of town and didn't receive this call, so he became his Regret for life.

In fact, even if the call is connected, with Sanmao's personality, he still has to go that way.This woman, who has ever been disturbed by the outside world, stopped for whom.Her world has become crystal clear and clear. Qiong Yao believes that Sanmao's suicide has nothing to do with his illness, but more of the loneliness and despair in his heart. After writing "Rolling Red Dust", Sanmao suddenly lost his sustenance and had nothing to pursue in life. She is San Mao, unable to accept the ordinary years, and will not allow herself to spend her life quietly.Her death is nothing special.Any guesses, any condolences are pale.Believe her, the place she went to is the destination of happiness.And as it is, this is the last promise she left to us. Writer Bai Xianyong said: "When the news of Sanmao's suicide came, everyone was really surprised. It seemed that many Sanmao with different faces and identities overlapped together like a montage, and finally all faded away, leaving only the The sixteen-year-old frightened and shy girl in an apple-green dress—maybe that is the real Sanmao, a life wanderer who refuses to grow up, and in order to resist the lingering of time, she kills herself and makes a final protest to Old Man Time." How well said, a life wanderer who refused to grow up, in order to resist the lingering of time, committed suicide by himself, and made a final protest to the old man of time.This is Sanmao, who dares to fight against time to win or lose.Cut off all the branches of the incident, and never be afraid of the persecution of time.The feast is over, and the night is cold. In the distance, Qi Yu's clear and exciting voice came, she sang: "Don't ask me where I come from, my hometown is far away. Why wander, wander far away, wander... for the olive tree in my dream, wander far away, wander ..." This life ends like this, and begins like this again.This woman named Sanmao, in another distant place, put her bags back on her back and became a passerby.Walking alone, wandering alone, and traveling alone.