Chapter 22 Chapter 21 Lonely people are shameless

Life is like grass, which needs moisture to fill the cells with water, so it can only be in the mud. "This is a season of love, everyone should hug... Lonely people are shameless." People in P City have liked to sing this song since the early 1990s, and it is everywhere in shops and streets. This song is popular. Perhaps, people have to find a reason or basis for themselves, otherwise how would they survive! However, I have to admit that I am indeed such a "shameless" person. Not only have I failed to keep up with the times and leave the door wide open for love season, but I've discovered that lately I've been closing the door even more tightly with another favorite that's the exact opposite of the trend — and it's in my bathroom, It's literally my bathtub.

Such a big home.I suddenly fell in love with this place! It was one day after I took a shower, I soaked in the warm water of the bathtub, and the enthusiasm and anger surrounded me.It drove away the unreasonable loneliness and tiredness in me. Since my mother and my dear friends are gone, I feel like it's just me and this tub now.For the first time I felt myself in its arms like a dear one.In the quiet room, only it hugs me tightly, makes me forget all the past, and makes me believe in communication.I quietly lay my pillow on the edge of the bathtub, like a thirsty plant that was fully soaked in water and came to life.

Here I rested for a long time, and fell asleep. How suitable the weather for sleeping is the misty mist. Later, the sound of rushing water woke me up, probably because my foot knocked open the leather plug of the bathtub. I looked up and looked around the bathroom.The clean white tiles are exposed after the hot steam dissipates, exuding a fragrance like biscuits; the sound of water leaking from the faucet is like a friend whispering non-stop when the water is far away and his neck is hanging "Hello... hello..." The rumble of the toilet tank, noisy and lively, like a bustling street market with a lot of people, made me no longer feel alone; especially on the wall above the bathtub there is a toilet for cosmetics. Wooden shelf, the upper shelf of the wooden shelf has my favorite cosmetics.The lower floor is stacked with some magazines and books, which I can read while lying in the bathtub.

What an extraordinary and colorful place it is! Apart from me, this family is the only one left alive now! One night.I soaked in the bathtub for a long time and felt refreshed and stretched.I dried myself off, put on my pajamas and went back to my room, sat on the sofa and drank a cup of hot Biluochun green tea. While drinking tea, while looking around the empty room, I suddenly felt an inexplicable hunger in my heart, and I heard a hollow sound in my stomach. However, I know that I am not hungry at all.In the evening, I ate a lot of food.According to the normal digestive process, I should not feel hungry until I get up in the morning.

However, I still couldn't help but feel a sense of hunger. Through the gap in the curtains, I can see that the night scene outside the window is very bright, and the nightlife in P City is getting richer and more lively.People began to eat supper, go to karaoke bars, gyms, entertainment venues and other places.I think, probably people are due to hyperactive digestive system disorders.I have no idea. A long plastic rope was lying on the coffee table, this kind of white rope was quite strong.That was when I got back from the post office with a large package of books in the afternoon, and unpacked it from the package.

I unconsciously held this rope in my hand, twisted it around inadvertently, and my mind was running around. In a trance, my fingers subconsciously folded the rope into four strands, then bent it into a strong loop, and tied it tightly.Then, I stood up and walked to the corner of the room and the hallway to a thick drainpipe from the roof to the bottom, where there was a black metal hook, like a sticking out tongue, waiting to eat something Spit out empty.I moved a chair, stood up and hung the noose I had tied on the metal hook. This series of actions was completed in a semi-dream state, and I didn't know what I was doing or what my intentions were.

After I finished all this, I jumped off the chair, raised my head, and looked up at what I had done. I saw a complete set of torture tools for hanging hanging in front of my eyes. At this time, I was suddenly taken aback, and my body suddenly flashed back. Consciousness came back to me, what am I doing! I retreated to the sofa in horror.His eyes were fixed on the hanging rope, and his mind was spinning rapidly. If I walk up, I can easily put the ring around my neck, and then just give the chair a little kick with my toe, and it's all over. It's as simple as stepping a threshold.How easy it is!

However, I thought, if no one came to look for me for many days, my body would hang in the house all the time, what an ugly scene it would be!Conversely, if someone comes to me, I will frighten them, which is not good. I dare not think about it anymore. In order to distract me from this inexplicable thought and anxiety, I turned on the stereo.I heard that "Lonely Man Is Shameless" song on the FM again. Then, my thoughts were attracted by the phrase "a lonely man is shameless". I thought about it upside down, why is it "shameless"?I have made many assumptions, but I still can't figure out the truth and paradox of this sentence.

My assumptions are as follows: 1. Everyone is hugging and hugging, this is normal.If you are not like this, you are not normal, and abnormal people are shameless. 2. Feudal conservatism is over.The era of openness has arrived, love is as vigorous as "grasping revolution to promote production", you are not in line with the trend, you are a shameless person. 3. Having been a "hypocrite" and "false lady" for so many years, our body needs to wear casual clothes.Our heads also need to wear casual clothes.Your head is not at leisure with us, you are shameless. 4. The "elite culture" is over. The "postmodern revolution" pursues lightness and superficiality.You pretend to be deep, pretend to be deep.What a stupid, shameless person you are.

5. I hate my loneliness. I want to have fun like everyone else.However, I still can't get rid of my loneliness. I call myself a shameless person in order to get rid of my loneliness. 6. I don't want to change the loneliness I love. You don't need to tell me that I am shameless. I will tell you first that I just want to be a shameless person. 7.... Finally, I stopped thinking about it. I said to myself: You are shameless, how shameless you are! Then, I went to bed, turned off the light, and got ready for sleep. There are also red, green and green neon lights flickering outside the window, and the rolling colored lights pass through the gaps in the curtains and dance on the walls of the room, like a solitary rainbow dancing in the wind.I stared at it and couldn't fall asleep for a long time.

For two full hours, I lay on the bed in vain, without any sleepiness. The window of the neighbor’s house kept saying "a lonely person is shameless". Later, I suddenly had an idea: why don't I sleep in the bathtub? It was warm and cozy there, and the long, narrow wraparound was just the right place to sleep. I sat up suddenly, put on my pajamas, and rushed to the bathroom in a few strides. I dried the bathtub first, then went back to the room and moved all the quilts and pillows on the bed into the bathtub and laid them out, like a bird giving itself a nest. Then, gasping for breath, I was extraordinarily happy with my "bed". After everything was settled, I got into bed in the bathtub.I lay on my side with my knees curled up and my arms folded across my chest.I seem to be lying on the golden beach by the sea. The warm sunlight penetrates the sand and smears on my skin, and then penetrates from my skin into my blood vessels. The golden light is like marijuana, quickly flowing in my blood vessels. dispersion.I immediately felt my body soften and drowsy. Opposite the bathtub is a large mirror. From the mirror, I saw a young woman lying sideways on a swaying white boat. I looked at her. The lines on her face were very soft, her skin was smooth and delicate, and her hair was soft. Her hair hung over the nape of her neck, like a cluster of rich, round flowers floating in a pool, scattered in all directions.The outline of the body is buried in a bundle of slender silk quilts like water waves, which is light and warm. It was the first time I saw myself lying down. I never knew that when I was lying down, languor and softness would make people so beautiful and tempting. I also think of the beauty of sleeping, the beauty of death. At this moment, I made a decision: When I die in the future, I will die in the bathtub.There is no better place than here. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror as if I were looking at another woman.The gap between the white tiles behind me is like a big net stretched behind my body, a quiet and indifferent background enveloped my heart. I turned my head and closed my eyes slightly. Then, I did - thing to myself. A thing that can be done by imagination. When I was doing this wonderful thing, two people I loved in my life flashed through my mind like lightning: the charming and deadly He, and the beautiful and pure Yin Nan. This wonderful combination and confusion of gender patterns is done in two parts: front and back and upper and lower. When I rubbed my fingers on the round breasts, my fingers had become He's fingers in my consciousness.It was her slender and delicate fingers stroking my skin, touching those two velvet balls...the white feathers fluttering and whirling...the rose petals are fragrant and pleasant...the bright red cherries are plump and bursting... …The rich and warm autumn maple leaves wrapped around my lips and neck…My breath quickened, and the blood in my veins was ignited. Then, the hand was like a train, with the sound of whistle and whistling vibrations coming gradually, it moved slowly towards the "platform" shaded by green grass along a certain established track.When it drove to the edge of the abyss covered under the leaves, Yin Nan suddenly stood there, full of spirit of exploration, and pierced into my breath accurately and deeply... The aesthetic experience and the fulfillment of desire are perfectly combined. That night, I fell asleep quickly in the bathtub. After a few days of staying indoors, I went on a hike.This excursion gave me a deeper understanding of P City and life. This is a city that lacks a sense of closure.I found that the wide and long streets did not isolate the crowds scattered in every corner of the city, so that they had a considerable space and psychological distance. The modern transportation vehicles on the streets shortened the long distance like a telephone. As fast as a telephone line, in a blink of an eye, an uninvited visitor eager to speak is approaching your door; above the city, those spider webs of telephone wires involuntarily impose the hustle and bustle of the more distant world on you. Your innocent ears; the postman in the sea of ​​people is the green wind, blowing all the real and false places to you, the story of you becoming someone else is like the story of someone else becoming you; all kinds of information are like atomic bombs Explosions continue to harass you at any time; the buildings are row upon row, shoulder to shoulder, and the windows are like countless pairs of eyes looking at each other or squinting, asking each other, and the walls are as thin as cicada's wings... Whether you are on the street or at home, Your breath, your meditation, your soliloquy, will become a well-known cry... This city is becoming more and more empty due to the noise and noise. It continues to extend its arms to the surrounding countryside in all directions, and paints the soft and dark wheat fields and vegetable gardens into hard asphalt roads, turning them into its own streets. .It is difficult for us to see the scenery of rural farmhouses from the side of this city, and smell the green and tender fragrance of the food on the table in the soil of its birthplace.We can only hide on the balcony of our own house and "develop agriculture" symbolically, so that we can experience the atmosphere of the farmhouse in person.The city is becoming stupid and numb with its growing bloat. I walked a long distance along the streets near the third ring and extended to the fourth ring.While looking around the huge and crowded city of P City, I calmly reviewed my life in these years.I found myself like an old woman who had lost all enthusiasm for imagining the future, and was left with nothing but memories to occupy my mind besides observing. What a season of premature aging this is! Perhaps, I was indeed ill, but it was by no means claustrophobic or thought-disordered as diagnosed by the doctor.My mind has always been very clear, I know myself, what I suffer from is just "progeria".Moreover, I believe that there must be many people suffering from this disease, and there will be more and more people. It will become an epidemic at the end of the century. arrive home.I wrote a letter to the hospital that had treated me to replace the report that I went to the hospital for a review: Dear Doctors: Hello! To be precise, I should call you teachers or mentors. It is you who have cleaned my mind, domesticated my spirit, and transformed my inner structure, enabling me to rekindle the flame of enthusiasm for life and life just like the general public !Because of my stubbornness and extreme stubbornness, I must have exhausted you for a period of time in the hospital, making you sleepless, overworked and thin.I remember you saying once that it was easier to deal with a reinforced company of agents or a group of American intelligence women than me alone.It can be seen how much I have racked your brains and made you difficult.In particular, I actually once regarded you as an enemy.Looking back now, how heartless I was!I am heartbroken and ashamed! Now, I finally understand.To this end, I am writing to express my sincere thanks to you!And I will make a more complete report on my life and work in the recent period: My mood always becomes so happy, and sometimes I want to feel sad, but I can't feel sad.I often go for a walk in the street, and find that the sun is new every day, smiling at me brightly yellow; every woman I meet on the road is like my mother, asking me how I am, always worrying that I am hungry or sick; All the men here are like Lei Feng. If I accidentally fall down, they will scramble to run up a few steps, pick me up from the ground, help me dust off my body meticulously from top to bottom, and offer to give me a hand. I want money, let me go to the hospital to bandage the wound, even though I haven't even broken the skin of my knee.I really don't understand, when I was walking on the street before, why the bare street scene would make my heart as cold as ice, my thoughts filled with thoughts, and tears would flow out uncontrollably? Even the farmers who sell vegetables in the farmers market give me vegetables for free.That was one time I bought cucumbers at the market.There was a boy in line behind me.The space around me is actually quite wide, but he is still very close to me. This boy looks familiar to me. He is always in the market, sitting on the pile of vegetables in the sun, eating apples or flipping through comic books. The child of a vegetable farmer may be the child of the vegetable seller in front of me. I think they are a bit similar.So I didn't care.The woman selling vegetables was very enthusiastic that day, she kept talking to me about this and that, and asked me where I bought the clothes I was wearing, and how much money the mayor earned.While picking cucumbers, I said, "The mayor serves the people, and he doesn't think about it at all."When I was about to pay the money, I suddenly found that my wallet was missing, maybe I lost it there in a daze, and I burst into tears on the spot.But the vegetable seller said, "Don't cry. When everyone is in trouble, I will give you this vegetable for free." I was very moved! My house is always full of friends and joy in the world. I shuttle among the guests to clink glasses, nodding and smiling frequently, and I am not lonely at all.The phone is always ringing loudly.In the past, there was a notice on my door: "Please say Bye within ten minutes." Now, there is still a notice on my door, but it is completely different inside. It reads "Anytime You are welcome! It’s like being in your own home.” Now, my house is full of people, and the door is always open. I could barely close the door, and as soon as one group left, another group came again.My friends praised my complexion, saying that my face is beautiful, smooth and fair.I said, "I haven't washed my face yet!" Everyone laughed.I am worried, why do these male and female friends love me so much!Do I want to marry or not?If I marry one of them, I am afraid that I will lose many friends; but if I marry many friends, the law does not allow it, and I am afraid that I will be too tired and tired.The joyful time makes me feel like the sun is shining! Even if no friends come to the party occasionally, I am happy by myself.At dinner, I also drank a little white wine soaked with American ginseng (please note, a little, not a lot) by myself, completely for the purpose of health.Because the weather is getting colder, and you know that my body's blood circulation is not very good, I don't have enough calories, my hands and feet are always cold, drinking some wine will make my peripheral nerves active and warm up.Only once, I drank a little too much, and I ended up chatting alone for a whole night, asking and answering myself, and the scene was as lively as a vigorous seminar.So early the next morning, when I met the neighbor next door in the corridor, they asked, "How many guests came to your house last night?" However, I promise that such a thing will not happen again. I'm making great strides, of course thanks to your teachings and treatments! What's especially gratifying is that I'm no longer just staying at home and living off my mother's inheritance, I've gone out into social work.I found a job as a warehouse manager in a place not far from my home, and my daily task was to register the number of items entering and exiting the warehouse.Because of my academic qualifications, I became the head of the warehouse management department as soon as I went there, and people still think that I am a bit overqualified.However, I am very satisfied. Although there are only two staff members in this warehouse plus myself, the level of the head of the management department is almost enough to be a sub-section. If I make a step forward, I will be able to become an official national cadre . Of course, the road to progress is tortuous and the task is difficult.As you all know, I am inherently lacking in the ability to calculate numbers. Although I know that there are tigers in the mountains, I prefer to go to the tiger mountain and choose a job that requires dealing with numbers, such as counting warehouses. After a period of hard practice, I still I always got the wrong amount of goods in and out, and I had to leave the warehouse management job as a result. However, I am not discouraged. Yesterday, a household registration police officer didn’t knock on my door. I thought it was a man, but after a closer look, I found it was a woman. She was so beautiful and mighty, so I opened the door with confidence.After my mother passed away, the population of the family changed from two people to one.She's here to handle these registrations.I immediately fell in love with the job of household registration police.I immediately talked to her about my thoughts and asked her for help.We talked for a long time that day.I can see that she likes me very much, and she will help me.Thinking that in the near future I will be able to put on a female police uniform, go from house to house, and mingle with the crowd vigorously. Whoever eats rice, who runs out of soy sauce, who borrows a green onion from whom, who marries a daughter-in-law, I know that there is an indescribable joy and fulfillment in my heart, how much I like all this! It can be seen that my "claustrophia" has been completely cured by you.And through my written report, you can also see it.How clear, deliberate, and logical my thinking is.So, I am now fully recovered.Nothing more to check. Thank you again for your concern and love for me! Ni Aoao In the early winter of 1994 in P city I sent a letter to the hospital, I went to the store and bought a blue lampshade, a bouquet of artificial sunflowers in bright yellow, and a porcelain pot of milky white and lavender, and I arranged them one by one in my beloved in the bathroom. The finished bathroom is like another world. The bluish-white light shines in the quiet and simple small bathroom space. Whenever I walk in, for example, at noon when the sun is shining brightly and the noise is boiling, it will make me feel that it has come to the night when everything is silent, and all the people are gone. Sleep well, the world is at rest, and I feel extra safe. On the bathtub as white as snow, on the frame platforms at the head and tail, there is a single emerald-yellow sunflower.It is placed in a solid lavender porcelain vase, and it looks like a sunset scene.On the ground next to the bathtub is a faded wheat yellow straw mat with intricate patterns and dense details, giving it a quaint beauty.A long strip of chestnut black bar wood is inlaid on the white tile wall, and a stack of towels smelling of soap and a thick black pajamas are hung casually on the side s color.Wet mist, as if the rainy season is coming. A three-dimensional modernist picture, an illusory world. Whenever I glance into the bathroom, I immediately feel that I have just completed a long journey. I am still out of breath, tired physically and mentally, and urgently need to get into a bathtub with low warm current. In the flowing water, I feel the warmth of the only remaining caress. The scene in the bathroom is full of format, order and safety, while the scene outside has been scribbled without rules, shapes and rules, changing rapidly and making noise. In this world, I can't figure out which one is a dream, the inside or the outside. Days go by, time goes by and I'm still here. One day, I saw that the rubber trees, monstera and perennial green plants on my balcony were too tall and vigorous to fit on the balcony.I suddenly thought, should I transplant them to the flower pond downstairs.From the way they keep looking down from the balcony window, they, like me, are also thinking about this problem, hesitating.If they are moved to the flower pond downstairs, although they can absorb the nutrients in the wider and deeper soil, they must compete cruelly with numerous flowers and plants all the time, and must bear the pressure of nature. On my balcony, although they can get rid of the ravages of harsh natural environments such as heat and cold, they cannot obtain deeper soil to feed themselves. They are thinking, and I am thinking too. From July 1st to October 31st, 1995 in Beijing