Chapter 21 Chapter 20 Time Passes and I'm Still Here

I need to be quiet until the second death. What happened later distorts my memory, or rather my memory distorts what happened later. In short, the following days, every day is a chaotic ball, a mirror within a mirror, a painting within a painting, and time travels through this maze. This bad experience has left me with an upside-down feeling.It’s like when I go to the cinema to watch a movie. I should sit in the dark auditorium and watch the fictional stories in the movie. However, the opposite happens unexpectedly. Looking at me in the crowd, my heart is constantly being peeped and coveted by those fictional characters, but I am exposed in the dark as if exposed to the broad daylight. They shattered all the order in my thinking in front of me... …

I was taken to a hospital. I used to stay up all night looking at the roof in the ward, trying to recall something, looking at the shadows of the past, even if it was to catch a little bit of trivial traces.But it is like the distant future, as if it never happened, blank. It wasn't until the spring of 1992, when I came back to my home from Qiluo's hospital, that I saw the real reality: my dear mother and Hedu were no longer alive.My friend Yin Nan also left me forever. The room was dark and quiet, dusty and lifeless. The home I knew so well in the past no longer recognizes me, as if a new owner has come.Although I put on the air of an old friend at ease, it still seemed a little shy and uneasy.

I know that since I left this home, time has stood still in this home. I walked into my room lightly, and said silently in my heart: I'm back!I am so sad that when everyone leaves you, I also leave you.However, I had to be sent away. I looked up and looked out the window, the sun was shining brightly, tender green branches were swaying around my window, I was worried and shook my head helplessly.Nearby, there are overlapping buildings and houses, and the curtains are slowly rippling.It's like moving color photos covering all the sorrows outdoors; in the distance, there is an indifferent and straight road, like a greedy arm, stretching towards the mountains in early spring and the boundless blue sky behind the buildings.

The dim cedar trees, tall and straight poplars and colorful lilacs on the mountains are all waving their green wings in the breeze, setting the gray clouds and affectionate mist inlaid-clusters of flowers, forming a warm and harmonious landscape. one slice.The setting sun rests on the leaves and sleeps tiredly. It is indeed early spring. I turned around and looked at the empty room, I couldn't believe it, time had flowed so truly, but I was like a big dream, and I didn't remember anything after waking up. Floating from the window of the neighbor's house—a wisp of faint music, it was a woman singing in a low voice.In the past, Wo would also sing this song:

Push open the gray window, I can't help crying Take me away or bury me Please open this door for me I'm knocking on the door with tears Time passes and I'm still here... I close the window, I don't want to hear this song again, it has melted in my body with those countless white, pink and blue pills in the hospital, and all the grief and despair have been from my heart and soul. The bones are cleared out. In the next few days, I thought deeply about this sudden "daydream". That's why I call that time a "daydream."Because my day is indeed basically a dream.I need endless sleep like a baby.This nervous feeling of drowsiness, the average person may think that this symptom is due to the physiological needs caused by normal physical fatigue.In fact, this is just a biological explanation.

If I jump out of myself, as a bystander, from the perspective of psychology and philosophy, this kind of lethargy is actually caused by suppressing and relieving factors such as fear, despair and pain.Just like the intense libido of a failed man.As a person without achievements, compared with a person who has achieved great career achievements and fame, it is easier to have a strong need to gain a sense of security, not only to prove his ability and value to himself, but also to others. He wants to overwhelm others in sexual ability and put himself in a superior position. After repeated thinking, I think I have figured out many questions and found some answers.

However, I don't want to tell anyone about it just yet. All I can say is: this is not an accidental "sudden", but gradually formed, just like the fall of night, the dark tent is not lowered all at once, the sky is darkened little by little. At the same time, I also discovered that if a person lives in a broken external world, if she cannot adjust her inner harmony and integrity in time, she will collapse together with the external world, and she herself will also be fragmented.Every psychiatric symptom is the product of a violent conflict between the inner reality of the human body and the outer reality, and like the symptoms of physical illness, it expresses the struggle of the healthy personality against influences that damage the healthy personality.

I flipped through the messy handwriting on the few pages of manuscript paper left on the desk before I left home, some of which I couldn't see clearly.However, I can still guess and see. I have a hunch that this material will become a precious handwriting due to the time and year it is in.From this it occurred to me that I should record my personal history, the singularity of this individual who would become one of the characteristics of all human beings, the personality of this individual determined by the uniqueness common to all.Although the person is isolated, she is a unique entity whose experience is different from that of anyone else.But it is by no means impossible for her to be disconnected from her companions.Her survival must be at stake with all those in her background.

She is thus both a unique case and a representative of all human traits.This discovery strengthened my determination to study this material. One afternoon, I was leaning on the sofa and flipping through these materials, and fell asleep wrapped in a blanket in a daze. At this moment, the doorbell rang suddenly. I walked across the hall, in my slippers, and went to open the door. It was Qi Luo who came. I am very happy. Qi Luo said, "I give you something." I am a little baffled. I took a large envelope pocket from him, not knowing what would be inside. Qi Luo said, "Don't you always ask me about your illness? Don't you want to study the traces of time flow through personal cases? As a doctor, I can't bring this to you. But you are a special Man is not a patient, at least not in the conventional sense, so I bring it to you.

You can recall and understand well and complete your research. " I unfolded a stack of papers that smelled of Lysol inside, and saw that it recorded all my situation in the previous period: Ni Aoya's medical history: (l) General Information: Name: Ni Aoao Gender: Female Marriage: single Nationality: Han Birthplace: P City, China Religion: None Education Level: University Current address: No. l105, Building 2, ×× Road, P City, China Admission date: 1991 × month × day Date of collection of medical records: 1991 × month × day Reporter of medical records: Yu Shui (patient's neighbor), reliable.Tong Li (college deskmate), reliable.Ni Wen (the patient's father) is still reliable.

(2) Chief complaint: Uncontrollably writing and drawing for several months.Hear voices speaking to her, talking.and attempted suicide. (3) Family history: The patient's uncle was 40 years old and had a mental disorder. He was afraid to go out, afraid of being arrested, afraid of meeting people, and lived a lazy and negative life.I often talk to myself.Without diagnosis and treatment, he hanged himself five years later.Among the other members of his parents' two lines and three generations, there are no mental illness, idiot, epilepsy, suicide, alcoholism, weird personality and bad habits. (4) Personal history: The mother's physical condition was normal during pregnancy, but she was depressed and nervous because she was labeled as a capitalist roader during pregnancy.Although the full-term delivery was normal, the patient was frail at an early age.The development is normal, he started to walk at the age of one, and began to talk at the age of one and a half (like to talk to himself, when he was young, he named his arms and legs "Miss Yes" and "Miss No", and often talked with them).He went to elementary school at the age of six.The academic performance is among the best.Then continue to enter middle school and university normally, with excellent academic performance. Menarche at the age of 14, irregular, (4-6 days." 28-35 days). The patient was born in a cadre family and was an only child.The relationship between parents is tense, busy with work, and the family atmosphere is indifferent.The patient has been silent since he was a child, and his thinking is strange and surprising.Involuntary weird behaviors often occur, and once used scissors to cut his father's new pants.Have a bad relationship with classmates and teachers, like to be alone, and do not want to associate with outsiders. It's a fantasy. I have seen that the crowd on the street suddenly turned into a pack of wolves, and the patient was surrounded by wolves.Sometimes I like to paint.When he was young, he was taciturn and was intimate and ambiguous with his older female neighbor.After growing up, it is still difficult to get along with others. I am not used to the university dormitory, and it is difficult to adapt, so I go home every day.There are few close friends.Indecision, thinking about a decision, then overturning it, turning it upside down.She likes to walk, and thinks it is her own theory of evolution, and insists that she has overturned Darwin's theory of evolution with practical actions. (5) past history: Suffered from measles and pneumonia at the age of three, and became thinner after that.No history of epilepsy, tuberculosis, trauma, poisoning or other infectious diseases. (6) History of present illness: The possible cause of the onset is that the patient's relatives and friends leave her one after another, and the patient refuses to accept the fact.There were no obvious abnormalities before this.For a period of time, the patient suffers from insomnia, lack of food intake, daze, indifference, and ignoring others for no reason.Unable to attend school.Unable to write and draw on paper without self-control, thinking is incoherent, jumping and fast. Tells that there are instruments controlling her, such as "nuclear atomic piles".And voices talk to it.Telling yourself and others are substitutes.Excited at night unable to fall asleep.Do not take the initiative to eat. Physical examination: no positive signs were found. PE: Neurologic examination uncooperative. T37.Heart, liver, lung and kidney had no positive signs. ME: Refreshing.Orientation is incomplete. (7) Performance: Denies being sick.Forced to send to hospital.Appearance disheveled, thin body.Diet is not active, daily life can not fully take care of themselves.Excited and sleepless at night.Refusing to check, often throwing away medicine, sometimes cooperating with nursing.Contact with different surrounding patients. Do not participate in any group activities.Alone in the ward.Sometimes he talks to himself that there are enemies all around him. (8) Process of cognition: Speech is messy when excited, such as "Why am I in the planetarium?"Asked: "Which hand." He replied: "The right hand." He claimed that his body was wrapped tightly. The memory is incomplete, and he said that he is called "Ms. Zero". (9) Intelligence: It can explain the meanings of yang obeying yin and violating, Huangliang dreaming, digging a well when thirsty, kneeling and rebelling.Can say "why people who are born deaf can't speak", "what's the reason why the soles of rubber shoes are always uneven", "why ice floats on water", "why trains can't run on the street" and so on.Can accurately distinguish the meanings of words such as "humility and inferiority", "fantasy and ideal", "respect and flattery", "lively and frivolous".Clarify the completely different meanings of "sheep in wolf's clothing" and "wolf in sheep's clothing", and take a brush with wool on the inside and wolf hair on the outside as an example, saying that it is a sheep in wolf's clothing. sheep with a sense of humor.However, the patient was unresponsive to numbers, and the mental calculation of one hundred minus seven continued to decrease, and the answer was incorrect.It is impossible to calculate "buy three eight-cent stamps. How much should I change for one yuan". (10) Emotional process: Most of the time alone in meditation.Indifferent to the surrounding, ignoring others.Sometimes I don't answer the doctor's questions. (ll) will and action: The general life is lazy, often bedridden, does not take the initiative to contact with people, and has poor self-care. Occasionally, the instinct activity increased, and once I suddenly hugged a male doctor and said, "Yin Nan, let's get married." (Yin Nan is the name of a boyfriend of the patient).To the father who came to visit suddenly, he expressed that he did not know him, and said, "Don't control me, don't control me." Also, there are no requirements. First hospitalization, light care. Doctor's signature: Qi Luo I began to study this information with great concentration, and began to explore each item in depth, taking a lot of notes one by one. One day, I remembered the prophecy of Nostradamus, and I became impatient.I started counting down the days. It was already the spring of 1992, and there were still seven years until 1999. "Seven" is a number I like more, and my favorite number is "Nine".It's nothing.I calculated that seven years are 2,555 days and 61,320 hours. I must sort out some problems before I die. I feel the urgency and pressure of time.Not sure if there is a shortcut. One day I had a perfectly normal dream. The character in the dream is me now, but the time goes back to the early days when I lived with my mother and my father.It happened in the courtyard with a huge jujube tree in front of my childhood home, and the wet ground was covered with green leaves that were blown down by the wind.The long branches extend from the east to the west of the yard. It is like the longest arm in the world, firmly grasping the wall of the wall courtyard.On the ground there are sweet dates as plump as piglets. The opportunistic cat I hated as a child also appeared, dangling in front of my eyes with its fat head. The background is entirely childhood. I dreamed that I was going to a strange palace alone this night. Everyone knew about this magnificent palace, but I didn't.And I don't know the way, I found that place is very far away from the map.At this time, the opportunistic cat wobbled forward.It showed me a path that it said could be super close and save effort and time than the proper route.Since I didn't trust it, I called the palace and asked.Answer me there.The very short path can reach this palace, but when you reach this palace, this palace is no longer the original palace. After waking up, I found that this was completely a symbolic dream.Its symbolism naturally needs no explanation. I also recognize it.There are no shortcuts in this world.So, I started honest desk work. How strange that when I feel that every day may be the end, my story is just beginning. I have worked very diligently for more than a year, and spend most of my time recalling and recording personal history, or meditating.Probably because there are too few angry and fresh things in this house, I seem to have been infected, and the blood around me seems to be stagnant.Even, I found that my menstrual cycle began to be confused, and the ring cycle was getting slower and slower.Keep procrastinating. At first, I didn't take this issue to heart.Later, it occurred to me that this problem might be like mental illness, that my body was signaling to me that it was doing a kind of battle against damage to my health.So, I took the initiative to find Dr. Qi Luo. At this time, Qi Luo and I have become real friends in life, not the relationship between doctor and patient under the cover of "friend". Qi Luo gave me a small bottle of contraceptives called "Compound L-Norethindrone Dropping Pills". "Are you kidding me?" I said to him, "I sleep in an empty room all day, and I want to take birth control pills?" Qi Luo laughed, "You don't understand that. Apart from suppressing ovarian implantation, that is, the contraceptive effect, this medicine also has a side effect, which is to regulate endocrine hormones and produce a menstrual-stimulating effect." I understand. That night, before I went to bed, I swallowed the round beige contraceptive pill, turned my head to look at my lonely and innocent big bed, and laughed helplessly, for a long time, until Tears flowed. That little pill didn't seem very obedient.It jumped up and down in my esophagus and refused to slip down, as if mocking something absurd.From then on I started a long research work.Because of my persistence.This endless, tedious work wears me out physically and mentally.