Chapter 19 Chapter 18

Until now, we have used silence to hide from our past. These were some unforgettable days, everything changed so fast.I'm getting heavier and the world is getting lighter. This is a threshold for me.Maybe I will be "younger" when I go out, but I know that I will not be "younger" again... How that stray bullet flew towards me and made me enter from the inside of my left calf and pass out from the outside without me noticing is still a mystery. It was a dim evening in early summer, and I was on my way to the hospital to visit my mother who was hospitalized due to left ventricular insufficiency.

The street seemed empty and quiet at this time, and the hustle and bustle that had been raging for many days suddenly stopped.I was a little puzzled, why did those heavy traffic and crowded crowds suddenly disappear? I am alert. I heard the strange creaking of wheels in the distance.At the corners of two or three hundred meters on both sides, there seemed to be something lying on the road, like a huge dead horse, and there seemed to be some shadows of human heads shaking around it, and those black shadows flickered.I can't figure it out.In the distance, there is a dark blue corner of the night sky that suddenly calms down. It is full of thoughts, as if it is planning some secret.

At this time, I heard a voice hoarsely suspended in the air, like a wild boar.At the same time, my left calf suddenly felt hit by something hard, it was hot and numb, and I lost my balance.It was as if the leg had been separated from my body in an instant and no longer belonged to me.I didn't feel any pain, just looked down at my leg strangely.Then, I saw a shot of red liquid flowing down my left pant leg to the ground. I immediately raised my head and looked around.After the empty echo, there was a dead silence.In the dusk, the dark blue gradually thickened, and the dim light shrouded around me like a thick gauze.I stood there in horror, seeing no reward.I didn't dare to move, I couldn't tell what hard object hit my leg.

Suddenly, a large number of people in the distance swarmed towards me. I hurriedly squatted down, crawled to the side of the road, grabbed a skinny young tree, crouched down like a thief, and held my breath. Shoulders resting on a large rock.Only then did the pain rise from my heel and engulf me.The wound was like a dark red hole, a living spring, and the skin at the edge of the hole was like a cardboard shell after a firecracker exploded, rolling outward... Until later, as a "patient" instead of a "visitor", I was taken to the nearest hospital where my mother was by a passer-by.It was only then that I realized that the hard object that hit my left leg was a flowing bullet of unknown origin, which passed through the bone seam of my calf like lightning, and I was caught off guard.

When I was visited by my anxious mother in the hospital emergency room, it seemed almost dreamlike to me. This summer, my hometown became frenzied and restless.The evening wind brews the storm in hunger gloom, and moans and weeps.The saplings and grass stalks on the side of the road were bent down under the pressure of the violent sunlight or the falling raindrops, but after a short swing, those leaves and stalks stood upright again. For several days, my door was closed.However, fanatic voices continued to be heard rhythmically from the streets outside, and the police were like small trees, standing in the streets and alleys.

The stiff uniform, like the leaden sky, has existed since ancient times, and it has been everywhere in any dynasty and in any region. It runs through all time and space, and perhaps it has always been like this.A gust of rain or a gust of wind, a slight tremor will always be transmitted from one point to another, spreading into a piece, and the grass and trees are like soldiers. I know something is brewing. Just this afternoon before I was hit by this inexplicable stray bullet, I hadn't realized the seriousness of the situation.I stood at the window of my house and looked out, and found that the summer sun was different from the past, and it always scattered a destructive light.Under this kind of light, I saw a crowd of people rolling together on the street. Those neat crowds like children were waving their arms frantically and fascinatedly, forming a boiling scene that made it difficult to distinguish the real from the fake. .

I am in this atmosphere, but it is outside of me. My mind still hasn't come out of that fire. He's death made my body and mind almost paralyzed for several months, leaving me empty and empty.I can't believe a close person said there wasn't been.This makes my mind always malfunction or collapse, like walking into a tilted mirror, going back in time... I often see He still lying on her big bed, red all over, like a long pink capsule pill.A rocking chair beside the bed swayed wildly and automatically, as if waiting for a loyal friend to sit on it, hushing the air-splitting rumble of the rocking chair into a fixed, eternal posture.He looked at me expectantly, expecting me to sit beside her.She covered her bald brow with one hand, and reached out to me standing in the distance with the other.I gasped in fear, not daring to approach.I looked down at the watch, the strap and case were gone, but the hands were still moving.I said, "He, you are dead, dead, what I see is not you anymore, what do you want me to do? Don't scare me, I can't walk over." But when I finished speaking, I raised my head and walked over. When I looked at her, I found that her face had shrunk by another third.While being coughed and spit out pink liquid, she shrank sharply. Slowly, she became a pile of wreckage with only thoughts but no body. In the end, there was only one solitary arm stretching out to me.I silently shouted "No, no!" Then, I woke up from the illusion of being out of reality.

Sometimes, He would suddenly appear from an unexpected direction, and her skirt would dance in the opposite direction of Xia Feng.She came from a far corner or from the subway, and shuttled through the crowd.My eyes followed her figure, and I saw her standing in the shade of a tree on the opposite side of the road, looking at me under a ghostly locust tree.She holds a wet bouquet of flowers.The bouquet, sparkling with tears, was so gorgeous that it overshadowed all the lawns and chestnut trees and little brioche houses in the background behind her.What a lovely grave bouquet that was!What a charming young widow!Is she going to go to her own grave?

He was about to walk towards me across the bustling and flowing road.However, a car blocked her footsteps and blocked my sight.I waited helplessly for those snail-like car bugs to slowly pass by.After the traffic passed by, I found that He disappeared in a blink of an eye.I stood in amazement amidst the noise of car horns and bicycle bells, transfixed. When I realized the roaring noises around me and I was obstructing the traffic, the image of He completely left me... On such a sweltering afternoon, I looked out from my window, thinking of my friend Yin Nan. We hadn't seen each other for more than a month, and I didn't know his whereabouts.Now, he is my only friend and comfort, and he makes me rest assured.

Also, my mother, who was lying in a hospital, enduring bouts of suffocation caused by left ventricular dysfunction.It all makes me worry. Just now, Yin Nan called from a telephone booth on the street, saying that there was an emergency and he wanted to see me.From his tone, I felt that this was an unusual secret meeting, because our date was set in an abandoned warehouse that we passed by after watching the movie "Ghostly Love". Putting down the phone, I rushed to the abandoned warehouse. Half an hour later, I arrived at the ruined warehouse with the door covered with rust and the door half closed.

I looked inside, and there were piles of hay, iron plates, scrap wood, used empty paint cans, plastic scraps, and overwhelming dust.Since there were no windows, the darkness inside swallowed me like a monstrous monster with its eerie mouth open. I took a step inside and felt the moist air against my skin. I couldn't help shivering, and felt that countless insects and mice were gathering under my feet.But I can't see anything.A strange smell of rust and iron oxidation rushed into my nostrils, and I took out a handkerchief to cover my nose and mouth. After my eyes finally got used to the dim light here, I became clear about the direction, and I touched the long wooden chair on the haystack at the innermost side.Yin Nan and I had passionately kissed there. I finally heard the rustling on the haystack. So he stopped and called out in a low voice, "Yin Nan, Yin Nan!" Then, in the dark, I saw a small row of snow-white teeth, like lightning in a rainy night, flashed and disappeared. I know this row of lovely strong teeth, they are like two beautiful honor guards in white uniforms, neat and graceful. If in a group of people, let him (her) cover his or her face and other parts of the body, and only show his (her) teeth, I can identify Yin Nan from the crowd. At this time, the lightning-like teeth suddenly changed their direction, and flashed again in the shadow on the other side. I said, "Yin Nan, it's me, it's me." After a moment of silence, the black shadow jumped over and hugged me. I still couldn't see Yin Nan's face clearly, but I heard his familiar breathing. Urgently and roughly trembling in my ears, the fragrance of corn leaves in my mouth rushed to my cheeks.His whole body was like a lean horse, and every bone seemed to be a taut string, trembling with excitement and making a hissing sound. I said, "Yin Nan, why are you so thin?" He didn't make a sound, but still kept shaking all over his body, as if he had been running in place.Panting, actually he was holding me tight and still, maybe it was just his blood and his thoughts racing. I say. "Have you been outside these days? Why don't you come to see me?" Yin Nan finally spoke out, with a crying voice I had never heard before, "Yuao, I-I never told you..." "tell me what?" "Recently, your building caught fire and your mother was hospitalized again. You have had enough. My uncle, you can't bear it, so don't worry..." "you……?" He doesn't answer me. After a while, he said, "Aoao, I'm going to... leave you." "where to?" "I must...leave..." "No, no!" My voice became louder, and he immediately kissed my lips with his mouth, blocking my voice.I threw my head back, out of the way of his face, and lowered my voice, "You can't leave me! You can't just walk away!" "Aoao, I...very, very...love you...but, I have to go." His tears fell on my cheeks and lips, salty and astringent. Since we met, Yin Nan said the word "love" for the first time. Over the past few months, I was almost suffocated by everything at home and outside. Now, in front of the word he uttered with difficulty, I finally couldn't control it anymore.My tears are like a river that has opened a gate, rushing down.I can't say a word.I just hugged him tightly, for fear that I would lose Yin Nan, the only close friend, again in the grief of losing He not long ago. At this time, Yin Nan pulled away from me a little bit, and while weeping, he kissed my tear-stained face with his lips and the tip of his tongue.He swallowed all my big teardrops one by one. "I love your... tears!" he said. We cried for a while and finally calmed down. Yin Nan said, "I only have half an hour. Then. I have to leave." I say. "You must leave, must you?" He nodded, "It's the last moment, I have to get out of here." We hugged each other tightly again, and his heart hit my chest like a beating drum. I leaned over his shoulder and said, "So, where are you going? When?" "The plane this evening, take Deutsche Airline flight 721, arrive in Frankfurt ten hours later, and then transfer to flight 2410 to Berlin." There was a gap or skylight at the top of the disused warehouse, from which a slanting ray of desolate sunlight came in, and it showed a deep yellow color on the roof.After reaching into the dark warehouse, it gradually sank, turning into a silent chestnut black.The light slanted across Yin Nan's cheeks, like a strand of straw caressing and floating on it. His large eyes, gleaming black with an intoxicating desperation in the gloom, never left my face for a moment.I raised one hand and stroked his eyes, which were like a black flower, exuding a faint fragrance.He leaned slightly on my shoulder, with his head bent down, his scorching breath smeared on my back, like a layer of warm cow's milk lightly smeared on my spine.My hands wrap around his shoulders from behind, I feel his weight and heat pressing against me, his breastbone caresses and moves on my breasts, his solid muscles and bones are hot against my breasts in the gloom on my lap.I could see the shadow of his head moving towards the lower edge of my body. I said, "Yin Nan, I want...you to remember me." He said, "I will always remember you!" I said, "I want your body...to remember me." I felt his body tremble slightly, and there was a twitch in his chest, and a silent voice echoed inside my body. I grabbed his hand and led him to the broken wooden chair on the haystack. At this time, Yin Nan suddenly looked like a sick boy, at a loss.I motioned him to sit down.Then, I slowly unbuttoned the front of my shirt, took off my undershirt, and spread it on the chair.I wrapped my hands around her head and made her lie down slowly on her back.I straightened his arched legs, and he stretched his limbs under my arms almost ashamedly, but he obeyed me most meekly.His breathing became rapid, and his two childish slender hands seemed to be suddenly disabled, hanging to the sides of the wooden chair. I gently stroked his face, eyebrows and ears, patiently and slowly stroking behind his ears and neck, and then, my two hands inserted into the collar of his sweater and touched his back skin.I kept stroking down as far as I could reach. His spine trembled with excitement, and he called my name like a moan. I bent down and gently unbuttoned his clothes and belts. He was like a willing captive, at my mercy.His eyes were half-closed, his head was twisted stiffly to one side, and his soft hair fell to that side.His body was finally hot and naked in front of me, and it was the first time for me to accurately browse a man's exposed body and touch his body so skin-to-skin.His ribs protruded gracefully, and his skin shone like a white light in the dimness. I don't know how other women remember the body of the man they first fell in love with. In my memory, his body inside the not-so-clean coat, the white and soft light emitted in this abandoned warehouse, made me dizzy. I sat sideways beside him, and my fingers moved like clear water on his arched body, sliding constantly. His body lay down in the darkness, like a long rock in the water. He didn't know how to get rid of the excitement or anxiety at the moment, so he could only wait for the wave-like hand to touch his hard breastbone and thigh. , belly, and deadly private parts. Finally, I bent my upper body towards his head, hugged his scalding neck with both hands, raised his head slightly, and hung the "fruit" of my chest to his lips, the sweet pear fruit was on his lips Swayed and swayed a few times.Then, he suddenly burst out a suppressed and painful moan, and he held it in his mouth. Then, he raised his arms suddenly, and pulled the body with the sweet fruit like a pear hanging down on top of his body.His whole body trembled violently like a spasm, as if eagerly and clumsily looking for the exit.I held it gently, and put the "lamb" who wanted to eat "grass" but didn't know the way, where it wanted to go... His love, young and powerful! Half an hour passed quickly, and it was time for us to break up. When we loosened our bodies from the hot embrace, I somehow felt the coolness of cold winter rushing to my skin. The pores of my body that were warmly opened suddenly met this cold air, and my skin taut. The separation was imminent, and I couldn't help shaking. We walked out of the warehouse, Yin Nan's hand was on my shoulder.As I walked outside, I thought that this hand would reach out to the blue sky in an hour, and then this hand would grope westward all the way to the European continent, to the city of Berlin, which is full of thinking and philosophy.I can no longer touch his body, the warmth of his arm on my shoulder at this moment may disappear within a minute after he leaves me. I clearly remember the weather on that day, it was gray, like the faces of people on the street, after more than a month of fighting and suffering against the heat, it showed a layer of despondent tiredness.I tried my best, secretly hoping that Yin Nan would suddenly change his mind, or that some accident would prevent him from leaving me immediately.Even if it takes a day to delay. I didn't give up this idea until Yin Nan's back disappeared at the end of the street, at that last second. After seeing off Yin Nan, the sky had already darkened, so I walked towards the direction where my mother was hospitalized. My tears flowed slowly again.I don't know who the tears flow for.Because, I know very well in my heart that the friendship between me and Yin Nan is not so long that I will never forget it.However, this person with whom I was intimately mingled was, after all, my only close friend after losing He. He left me and became a difficult memory, a "coat" that lost its vividness.This "cloak" that is no longer real, due to separation, will make his image more and more perfect, and wrap all those eclipsed by being too close in this radiant "cloak".Blocked in this intact coat.It will assume a perpetual radiance that will outlast the charms of the body itself.By the unexpected interruption of this friendship, its beauty will be fixed forever, like marble. It is the most moving end of human relationships. I cry for this! At this time, I raised my head and looked up towards the sky above the airport.I vaguely saw that there was indeed a silver-gray flying object floating above the blue sky. It was like a huge phoenix, flickeringly pulled by the long cotton thread in my hand, and pulled towards me bit by bit. Standing above. It slowly floated towards me, its image becoming clearer and clearer. I gradually realized that it did not seem to be an airplane.When I got closer, I saw that the floating object turned out to be a person.Strangely, that person was not Yin Nan either. The person who soars like a big bird turned out to be me! The real me on the ground, holding the string in my hand, is tied to another me who is exactly the same in the sky... This fleeting, lens-like phantom reunited with me one summer after many years, which surprised me very much. It was the late summer season of 1993. In an Italian movie called "Eight and a Half", I happened to see that crazy director Fellini and met unexpectedly. . And in 1994, another late summer, I hugged another man I had a crush on in this world in another Swedish polyphony, Wild Strawberry and The Seventh Seal— Ingmar Bergman. These are all later things. I and them live in two different eras, but at a certain moment the same image flashes! "Wild Strawberries": ... It seems to be a sunny summer day. An old man dreamed that he was walking on a deserted street. The whole city was surprisingly deserted. The sun reflected his shadow, but he still felt cold.He strolled along a wide tree-lined road, his footsteps echoing uncomfortably among the surrounding buildings. He felt strange and didn't know what happened. At this time, he passed by an optical shop, and found that the huge wall clock on the signboard had no hands, and the clock face was blank.He took out his pocket watch and looked down to check the time.However, the pointer of his old gold watch, which told the time accurately, suddenly disappeared, his time has passed, and the pointer no longer reminded him of the time.He lifted the pocket watch to his ear, intending to hear it tick, but instead he heard his own heart beating wildly. He put down his pocket watch, looked up again at the signboard of the optical shop on the roadside, the pair of eyes on it had been eroded.He felt very frightened, and walked in the direction of home. At the corner of the street, he finally saw a man standing with his back turned to him.He rushed over and turned the man's body quickly, but he found that under the soft hat, the man had no face.As the body turned, the person's entire body collapsed like a pile of dust or splinters, turning into a pile of empty clothes. Only then did he realize that on this Linmeng Road extending from the square, everyone was dead, and there was no one alive... A hearse swayed over, and the wheels made a loud rattling sound. The hearse bounced violently along the empty street.Finally, when it drove up to him, the coffin fell out.The three metal wheels spun out automatically and turned to his feet.He looked up at the coffin, the lid was open, and there was no sound inside.He walked over slowly curiously. At this time, an arm suddenly stretched out from the broken wooden coffin, and that hand grabbed him desperately.Then the corpse stood up slowly, and he took a closer look, and found that the corpse standing up from the coffin wearing a tuxedo was actually himself. Death is calling... "The Seventh Seal": The sky was gray and motionless, like the dome of a tomb. As night fell, a dark cloud hung motionless on the horizon, and a strange bird floated in the air, making an uneasy cry. Cavalier Antonyus is looking for the way back to his homeland, where there are corpses and plagues everywhere. He looked around. Then stood behind him a man all in black, very pale, with his hands hidden in the great folds of his cloak. The knight turned to him and asked: Who are you? The man in black and white face said: I am death. Knight: Are you coming to see me? Death: I have watched you for a long time. Knight: I know that, you will. Death: This is my place.Now, are you ready to "hit the road" with me? Cavaliers: I'm a little physically weak, but I don't care. Death opened his black cloak and stretched out, trying to cover the knight. Knight: Wait a little longer. DEATH: I can't have any more reprieve. Knight: Don't you like playing chess? DEATH: How do you know. Knight: I have seen it in paintings and heard it in folk songs. Reaper: Yes, I'm a pretty good chess player. Knight: But you may not be better than me. As the knight spoke, he carefully placed the chessboard on the ground and began to place the chess pieces.Then he said: The condition is that you let me live as long as I'm still fighting you... The knight held out both fists to Death. Death suddenly laughed wildly at him.Then, Death raised a black pawn in his hand. Knight: You choose to play black? DEATH: That suits me perfectly, doesn't it? The knight and the Grim Reaper leaned over the chessboard in a stalemate. Antonyus hesitated for a while before starting to move his pawns.Death also walks away. A heat wave envelops the wasteland, bathed in strange smog.In the distance, the crowd is dancing the dance of the god of death, and the god of death is dancing the dance of death with everyone. Reaper continued to play chess closely with Antonyus, determined to take him away.In the end Antonius lost the game.Death took him away... Here, the timing is wrong.When the above-mentioned strange images kept flashing in my mind on that sultry evening in early summer, I hadn't seen the above movies. At that time, while rehearsing the shots in my mind, I walked to the tree-lined street behind the busy city. Not far away is the hospital where my mother lives. At this time, there seemed to be a gloomy wind pouring down from the sky, making a fluttering sound of anxiety.My dull footsteps stepped on the road at dusk, in a short lull before the storm, and the sound of this step denied the authenticity of the floating camera picture just now. The thing lying on its side at the corner of the street, like a dead pregnant mare, with its belly bulging, burnt fragments, gave off an unpleasant smell of scorched rubber, this disgusting smell. The smell that belongs to the war floats on the tree-lined road that is not ruins, and then stagnates over the translucent city at dusk. It is like the fireworks on the altar flying up, soaring to the hidden high sky. At this moment, a stray bullet of unknown origin penetrated impartially from the inner side of my left calf, and passed out from the other side.