Chapter 17 Chapter Seventeen

Nan Zheng kept stroking his hair with his hands, and Dong Jin saw a few glaring strands of white hair between his elder brother's fingers, and suddenly felt very uncomfortable.Maybe it's because he hasn't had a good rest after working hard for several days, the eldest brother's face looks a little old and tired at this time, and he has completely lost his usual spirit. It’s not easy for the eldest brother, Dong Jin thought.The eldest brother has always played multiple roles in the family.Sometimes he is a father, because the father can hardly communicate with all the children, so he often has to deal with the problems encountered by his younger siblings at work on behalf of his father; Taking care of the lives of his younger siblings instead of his mother; more often he is the eldest son, he has to mediate the conflicts between his parents and resolve disputes between his younger siblings.No matter how you look at it, the eldest brother is the most exhausting one: he has to be a good son in front of his parents; a brother in front of his younger siblings; a husband in front of his wife; and a father in front of his children.In this family, it seems that everyone can play with their temper and make mistakes, but he cannot.I really don't know how he can sustain it, how he can keep it going.

Maomao often said with a playful smile that the eldest brother is Dad's fire brigade, as long as there is a "fire", Dad will definitely send the eldest brother there with a phone call, and then nothing will happen.He also said that the eldest brother is the mother's sewing kit, and no matter who's "clothes are torn and the buttons are off", the mother has to use him to mend.Hearing these words, the eldest brother often just smiled helplessly.Only once, the eldest brother seriously added, Mao Mao, you have left out my main function, I am actually a veritable slop tank.All of you poured slops to me, you poured all the leftovers you didn’t like and disgusted to me, and left clean and relaxed.And me?what should I do?I was full and couldn't find a place to pour it out. I could only chew these things and force myself to swallow them and digest them slowly.Even I was worried that sooner or later I would overwhelm my appetite, let those things overflow, and burst myself.

Among the brothers and sisters, Dong Jin has always had the deepest relationship with his eldest brother. They have shared common interests and hobbies since they were young, played together the most, and when they grow up, they have the same ideals and ambitions and talked the most together.Over the years, the eldest brother has worried a lot about himself.Dong Jin often has a strange feeling that the eldest brother always seems to want to make up for himself.Ever since Su Ya went abroad, every time Dong Jin came back from the army, his elder brother had to ask the cook at home to make him a meal of braised pork, because Dong Jin loved braised pork just like his father.And no matter how busy he is, the eldest brother will take time to accompany him outside for a drink.He drank too much twice, and Dong Jin noticed that his elder brother looked at him strangely. There seemed to be a lot of guilt and apology hidden deep in his eyes, which was very melancholy and complicated.This made Dongjin very anxious and uneasy.

I haven't had such a heart-to-heart conversation with my elder brother in many years.Dong Jin felt that his elder brother was very sincere today.Big brother seldom opens up his heart and reveals his deep thoughts like this.Even in front of his relatives, the eldest brother always wraps himself up tightly.But today the eldest brother said a lot of heartfelt words to him, especially the last words, which caused a great shock in Dong Jin's heart. Nan Zheng said, Dongjin, I know you best.We all love the military and the profession of being a soldier.We are different from others. Our love for the army is like a genetic gene, conceived at the same time as our lives, and brought out from the mother's womb.We grew up eating military rations, singing military songs, listening to bugles, and contacting soldiers.We do not feel comfortable in any place but the barracks, and in any occupation we choose but the military.In our hearts, we always believe that we are born soldiers, and that we will definitely do a great job in the army.When we were young, we often bragged together, dreaming of the day when the Chinese army was in our hands, we vowed to make the Chinese army a world-class army, and vowed to make Chinese soldiers the best soldiers recognized by the world.We came to the army with such ideals, ambitious and bent on realizing our own ambitions.We all started as soldiers and worked hard from the company. We were willing to ask for hardships to train ourselves, but what happened?As a result, most of us died young, some gave up voluntarily, some had to be transferred to demobilization, and some... Do you remember Wang Jingjin?Nan Zheng sighed and said, the last thing I want to mention is Wang Jingjin, and I still feel very uncomfortable thinking of him.

Nan Zheng paused for a long time before continuing, saying that we have to admit that there are indeed many problems that are not tolerated by the army, and that many of us are indeed not suitable for the army.But it should also be admitted that most of us still have the qualities to be good soldiers.But even the best of us rarely make it in the military.Dong Jin, do you know why?This is because we are too romantic, because we idealize the career of the military.Romance and ideals make us only know how to take the army as a career, but not as an official career! You know Suning, right?Suning is a prime example.I participated in the whole process of investigation, publicity, and establishing the typical Suning.In my opinion, Suning is almost perfect.Throughout the investigation, I have been trying to find another side of him.You know that I never believe anything credulously. Even Lei Feng, I have always had opinions on the way of writing a public diary.I think that everyone has shortcomings, I don't believe that a person can be as perfect as he is from the inside out!I used various methods to talk heart-to-heart with people around Suning, inducing them to tell me about Suning's shortcomings, but nothing.All of them were sincere, and I could see that they were not just trying to say nice things or trying to hide something from me.When they searched their brains and found that they couldn't find any shortcomings of Suning, even they themselves were surprised and puzzled, and even they themselves didn't believe that such a perfect person lived beside them!

The night before I left there, I sat alone for a long time in that shabby hut in Suning.Flipping through the thick stack of academic papers Suning wrote before his death, and playing with Suning's belt full of weapons, I really felt my heart throbbing.I never told anyone, I cried that night.I hadn't shed a tear for many years before that, and I thought I had long since lost the ability to cry.But that night, facing Suning's photos, I couldn't help crying, and shed a lot of tears.I feel sorry for Suning, he is our kind, and he poured all his talents into the army.He left so young, and what the army really needs is a professional soldier like him who regards the army as his life.I feel sorry for Suning. An excellent soldier like him, who has both academic achievements and practical experience, has worked conscientiously in the army for more than 20 years. Why did he only become a major and the deputy chief of staff of a regiment!I worry about our military.I remember such a thing: the head of a country found an excellent captain when he was inspecting the army. After he had a long talk with the captain, he said a famous sentence: "If this person cannot become the chief of staff of our country in the future, If so, it means that there is something wrong with the system of our army.” Later, this captain not only became the chief of staff, but also became the head of the country.

In that hut, I thought a lot.I think, with Suning's excellence, why can't he succeed in life and become famous after death?It is because he used the ideal way to treat the army as a career.He studies tactics but never studies tactics, he is conscientious but never flatters officials.And our culture has always been a culture that emphasizes "study and excellence leads to official career", and the army grown in this cultural soil must have strong official characteristics, and it is bound to be more suitable for official careers rather than official careers. Do it the way you do business.Official career is too direct and utilitarian. It looks ideal, but its essence is to reject ideals.

Dong Jin, I don't know if you understand me.I want to say, why can't we be flexible and finally realize our ideals through official careers?If you think about it carefully, this is actually not a contradiction.In the final analysis, any profession is not pure, so it cannot be romanticized or idealized.After all, people still have to be more practical, and learn to face reality and adapt to the environment.I really don't understand such a simple truth, why do you always fail to understand it?Dong Jin, it's cute to be romantic at fourteen, but it's ridiculous to be so romantic at forty!

You are always too emotional when looking at problems, and you pay too much attention to your inner feelings.In fact, when looking at a problem, we must focus on the big picture. Only by standing at the height of the overall situation can we see it deeply and understand it.Take the typical tree as an example. What is the typical tree for?Is it just to make a name for a person or a unit?No, the establishment of models is a political need and a social need!When the society needs to advocate a spirit, it will look for a model that matches it, and use it as a banner to attract the attention of the society and lead the moral behavior of the society.From this point of view, as long as it can meet the needs of society and politics, even if the typical model is a little flawed, why not?Furthermore, even if the typical deeds are somewhat different, as long as it can really arouse people's spirit and is really beneficial to the construction of the army, why can't they be publicized?

Dongjin, I sincerely hope that you can continue working in the army, and I sincerely hope that the army can retain more military talents like you.Listen to what the elder brother said, don't ruin your future for your so-called persistence, and don't forget the big goal you want to achieve just for the momentary inner feelings.It's like fighting a war, you have to learn to use tactics, you have to learn to give up.You must know that what you hold on to may be only a small local position. If you find that continuing to hold on will endanger your survival and affect the overall victory, then you should give up decisively.Otherwise, you will sacrifice on this small piece of ground and lose the chance of winning the final victory forever!

Of course, it’s always painful to give up your own things. It’s a kind of self-harm anyway. That kind of feeling...it’s really uncomfortable... Nan Zheng said emotionally, Dongjin, in fact, I understand you very well, and I also gave up , I have given up many, many times, and I know how hard it is to give up, sometimes...even...cruel.Nan Zheng stopped suddenly and closed his eyes. He seemed to have thought of something and was trying his best to restrain his emotions. After a long time, Nan Zheng opened his eyes and said, "Dong Jin, it's not easy for you and me to come all the way to today. You know, this matter is also very important to me. Like you, I have reached a critical point now. We all need Use this matter to push up, otherwise all previous efforts will be in vain.You may be calling me selfish in your heart, calling me despicable for doing this, right?But let me tell you, this is really nothing compared to all kinds of fraud in the officialdom.It’s true, I’m eager to make achievements to create conditions for promotion, but no matter what I do, Zhou Nanzheng, I still put effort into work after all. Compared with those who only work hard on relationship and material things to climb up, I am more noble Much more! Dong Jin, it's really hard to say this from my big brother's mouth, but I still have to say: Please help me, help yourself, help your second regiment, help those two soldiers... … Brother, stop talking, I... I give up. eastward... Is it okay if I give up? !Dongjin suddenly yelled. The two were silent for a long time without speaking.Nan Zheng suddenly asked, Dong Jin, you don't hate me, do you? In other words, Dong Jin sighed softly and said, this is my own decision. If... If I hurt you, will you understand me and forgive me?The guilty expression that made Dong Jin feel uneasy appeared in Nan Zheng's eyes again. Dong Jin felt a little sad, it was really hard for the eldest brother.There are enough things for my elder brother to worry about at home and abroad, and I can never share anything for my elder brother, and always add a lot of trouble to my elder brother for no reason.Dong Jin raised his head and said to Nan Zheng, brother, don't say that, I know you treat me... I actually know everything. Dongjin... Nan Zheng suddenly looked at Dongjin nervously, as if he was afraid that he would say something. Dong Jin smiled embarrassingly and said, I'm not used to saying those emotional things, I can't say them.But I have it in my heart, I have everything in my heart.I know that you are always thinking of me, and I know that you would rather be hurt than me. There can be conflicts and differences between us brothers, we can even quarrel and fight, but there will never be any harm.Brother, I have always wanted to say to you, I am very grateful to you in my heart, thank you for everything you have done for me over the years. Nan Zheng stared blankly at Dong Jin, and suddenly lowered his head deeply as if he had been hit by a bullet.Nan Zheng's body was bent into a ball like an old man, his raised back looked so abrupt, weak and haggard. At this moment, Dong Jin really heard a gunshot.The gunshot seemed to come from a very far away direction, but it was as clear as it was in the ears.Dong Jin felt as if his heart had been pushed hard, and was immediately gripped by a sense of weightlessness as if he had fallen from a height... It was later proved that, except for Zhou Dongjin, no one had heard the gunshot.It was a noisy day when the gunshot was fired, and the gunshot was immediately drowned out by the surrounding noise.Maybe someone nearby happened to hear a noise, but no one thought it was a gunshot, and no one cared.Judging from Zhou Dongjin's position at that time, it was impossible for him to hear the gunshot, because the distance was too far away.Later, Zhou Dongjin recalled the situation at that time countless times, but he still couldn't figure out whether he heard or felt the gunshot. The gunshots came from Huang Nina's bedroom.The public security organ later admitted that they should have followed Liuzhi's advice and should not have notified Huang Nina immediately.If Liu Zhi had a little time to do the work, and Huang Nina was mentally prepared for the right thing, maybe she wouldn't be able to bear it and take such an extreme approach. But Liuzhi doesn't see it that way.On the contrary, Liuzhi seemed very calm. Liuzhi said it was useless. I knew she would have to go this way sooner or later.It's just that I didn't expect her to do it this way.Liuzhi said it in admiring tone, I really didn't see that she was so pitiful when she was crying all day long, and she still had such a strong temper.After all, he was a soldier!Liuzhi looked up to the sky and sighed, fuck, I'm so fucking fucked up!If I had known this, I would not have left her even if the sky fell! Six Fingers had only left for more than two hours at that time.According to the police account of Liuzhi later, during these two hours, he was almost non-stop, calling and arranging his buddies, while running between various banks to withdraw money, and only kept a small part of the money he took out. , and most of the rest were deposited into a card in the name of Huang Nina.Liuzhi wants to give the money to Huang Nina. He wants to use the money to compensate for everything Huang Nina has lost. He wants to use the money to completely change Huang Nina's life. He wants Huang Nina to have happiness because of having the money. However, when Liuzhi hurried back with this huge credit card, the money was meaningless to Huang Nina. That night, when Liuzhi found the skin, it was already too late. Pizi's face changed when Liuzhi asked where the screaming girl was, and hurriedly said, Brother Liu, I didn't know she belonged to you. Liuzhi slapped Pizi back and said, "Fart your mother, what do you call me?"She is my niece!Say, did she sell you ecstasy at the disco? Pizi said, Sixth brother, why didn't you tell brother earlier, I really didn't know she was your niece!I knew I... I... Sixth brother!Pizi knelt on the ground and said, Sixth brother, I really don't know... She never mentioned you, even if she mentioned a word, I dare not tease her to get involved.Pi Zi suddenly kowtowed his head on the ground with a "thump, thud, thump", and said in a crying voice, Brother Six, she...she...don't blame me!Sixth brother, you must never... Liuzhi was taken aback for a moment, grabbed her skin and asked, what did you do to her?ah? !where is she nowWhere the hell is she? ! Pizi said that during this period of time, he had indeed sold him a lot of ecstasy, and he didn't want to go tonight, saying that her mother was sick and she had to go home early.In order to catch Pi Zi, she had already been addicted to drugs.He thought he wanted to get some "real stuff" out of his hands for the sake of making up lies, and gave her some "genuine stuff" in order to coax her to do it for him honestly.Pi Zi said that he really hesitated at the time, but when he saw that Pi Zi made a big shot this time, he changed his mind.It was still early at that time, Liao said that she went to have a good time with some friends first, but she never came back.Later, a friend who got sick came to him and said that it was not good. It might be because of drug overdose.It is said that they were drinking and playing together, and they went crazy the most. Later, they all passed out drunk, and no one knew when they took drugs or how much they took.When he woke up, he realized that he was out of breath. Six Fingers' fierce eyes covered the leather tightly, and asked through gritted teeth, are you telling the truth? ! Sixth brother, how dare I lie to you! Liuzhi suddenly swung his arm round and slapped Pizi twice, and squeezed out a word between his teeth: Go! After seeing the scene, Liuzhi was convinced that this was indeed an accident, and then let Pizi go.But before releasing it, he beat the leather firmly.No matter how much the six fingers punched and kicked, Pi Zi always accepted it willingly.It wasn't until Liuzhi ordered him to get out that he thanked Brother Liu and stumbled out, wiping the blood all over his face.When he got to the door, he was stopped by Liuzhi again.Liuzhi groaned and said to Pizi, you go back and pack up and leave, this matter will definitely be unstoppable.Remember to get the hell out of my way, if you get caught by the police, you'll be completely screwed!Pi Zi just said something about Sixth Brother, then you... Liuzhi shouted, get out of here!You want to wait for me to report the case and call the police to arrest you?Pizi hurried away. Liu Zhi estimated that it was almost time before calling the police, but he himself stayed at the scene and waited until the police arrived.Liuzhi told the police that he was entrusted by the child's mother to find her, because he knew that she often played here with a few friends and found it here, but he didn't expect such a thing to happen.After questioning Liuzhi for a long time, the police proposed to notify relatives immediately to claim the body.As soon as Liuzhi heard it, she became anxious, and said that she must not do it, her mother is sick, so telling her now will kill her?The police said that they could call other relatives to claim it first.Liuzhi said there was no more, and her family was just the two of them.The police asked you who she is?Six fingers twitched and said, I am...she is my god-niece.The police then asked, what is your relationship with her mother?friend.Six Fingers answered quite slickly this time.After answering, I asked again, can I claim it on her behalf?The police carefully looked at Liuzhi with suspicious eyes for a long time before replying, no!Her relatives had to claim it.Liuzhi thought for a while and then begged, why don't I go to give her mother some ventilation first, so that she can prepare herself a bit... The policeman interrupted Liuzhi unceremoniously and said, until the matter is cleared up, you can't go anywhere !Honestly, just stay here for me! Huang Nina passed out as soon as she saw the dead body.After waking up, she curled up in Liuzhi's arms and cried, unable to answer a single question from the police.They had no choice but to let Six Fingers escort her back first. Six Fingers almost carried Huang Nina home.Huang Nina had a high fever again, and her whole body was burning hot.Liuzhi stood by the side full of worries, hoping that Huang Nina's fever would subside a little. As soon as he proposed to leave for a while, Huang Nina cried.Huang Nina has become an ignorant child at this moment, she doesn't listen to what Liuzhi said, and refuses to let Liuzhi leave.As soon as Liuzhi mentioned leaving, she would cry, crying until Liuzhi was lost, so he had to coax and persuade her to agree not to leave.Only then did Huang Nina stop crying slowly, but she still looked at Liuzhi with a mournful expression, holding on to Liuzhi tightly. Huang Nina said, Liuzhi, I'm scared, I'm scared to death. Liuzhi said don't be afraid, I'm here. Huang Nina said, Liuzhi, I have nothing now, no home, no relatives.It turns out that I still have one, I still have a little concern, and I still have a life, but now I don't even have one, nothing... No, you still have me.Liuzhi comforted her and said, don't worry, I will help you rearrange your life.I will give you a home and a new life for you. Huang Nina cried. She cried and said to Liuzhi, Liuzhi, I know you treat me well, and I know that only you treat me sincerely.It's a pity that I won't have a new life anymore, my life is over, it's all over! Liuzhi hurriedly stopped and said, no, you must not say that.Don't worry, I will definitely arrange your life well. I have money, and my six fingers have plenty of money!I want to support you, I want you to live a carefree life, I want you to spend a lot of money, I want you... just wait and see! After hearing this, Huang Nina cried even more sadly, and said with a whimper, Liuzhi, why are you always so kind to me?I know I have a lot of problems, no one else will help me, only you think of everything for me, but I always look down on you and lose my temper with you.Liuzhi, don't blame me and don't be angry with me, okay?It's all my fault. In fact, I regret it every time, and I want to apologize to you every time. I know in my heart that I am sorry for you... The word "I'm sorry" stabbed at Liu Zhi like a knife, plucking out his heart fiercely.Liuzhi's face changed suddenly, and he knelt on the ground with a plop, and said in a low voice, no!I'm sorry for you!I am six fingers sorry for you!What I owe you, I want to repay you, and I will do everything in my power to repay you!I... I... Seeing Huang Nina's puzzled eyes, Liuzhi suddenly bit his lip and refused to say any more. Huang Nina was stunned, touched Liuzhi's hand, pressed it tightly to her hot face and said, Liuzhi, don't say that, you have done enough for me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Liuzhi suddenly held Huang Nina's face impulsively, and bent forward involuntarily... He really wanted to kiss the tears on this face, and wanted to make this face clear and bloom.However, just when his lips were close, they suddenly stopped as if they had encountered a repulsive force. Liuzhi froze for a moment, let go of his hand helplessly, lowered his head and said, there are some things you don't know yet, if you know, you will hate me to death.Liuzhi suddenly raised his head, stared at his red eyes and said, I am not human!I'm not fucking human!It's all my fault!I know that I am sorry for you, I know that I will not pay back what I owe you all my life, but I have to try my best to repay you!I swear to you, I... I... Six Fingers suddenly took the knife... Before Huang Nina could react, the extra finger on Liuzhi's left hand had disappeared. Holding up his bleeding hand, Liuzhi said to the stunned Huang Nina, I swear, even if I take this life, I will try my best to repay you!You lie on the bed and don't move, wait for me, I'll make arrangements for you right away.I'll tell you everything when I get back!At that time, if you can still forgive me, my six fingers will be your dog and horse!My six fingers will be entrusted to you in this life! After Liuzhi left, Huang Nina cried alone for a long time.She couldn't figure out why she had come to this point.Fortunately, there is still Liuzhi by his side, fortunately, Liuzhi is still willing to take care of himself.Huang Nina thought, if she didn't have Six Fingers, she really wouldn't know how to face her future life, and there would be no hope at all. Thinking of Liuzhi, Huang Nina felt a little guilty.She didn't know why she was like this, she relied on Liuzhi in her heart, but she instinctively rejected Liuzhi.Obviously thinking about Liuzhi is good, but I just can't really accept Liuzhi.Huang Nina knew that Liuzhi liked her and knew that Liuzhi was rich, but in her eyes, no matter how rich Liuzhi was, he was just an upstart with no status and no education. There is no way to make her look down upon.She was unwilling to enter Liuzhi's circle from the bottom of her heart, and she was unwilling to be with people like Liuzhi.She also knew that it was unfair to treat Liuzhi like this, but she couldn't help herself.She couldn't help herself. Just now, Huang Nina was frightened by Liuzhi. She didn't expect Liuzhi to hurt herself and bleed for her.At that moment, Huang Nina was completely moved by Liuzhi's sincerity.When bandaging Liuzhi's wound, Huang Nina was trembling with distress, she kept crying and said, Liuzhi, why did you do this?I believe in you, you don't need to swear, I also believe that you will be good to me, why do you have to do this?Huang Nina said, I don’t believe Liuzhi, who else can I trust, now I only have you, only you... As I was talking, Huang Nina couldn’t help but hug Liuzhi, kissed desperately and said, Liuzhi, I want to be good Love you, I will love you, I will definitely love you! When you are waiting for someone in your heart, you will not feel that your home is empty, and you will not feel that you are alone.Lying on the bed and waiting for Liuzhi to come back, Huang Nina's heart gradually calmed down.Huang Nina thinks that the reason for people to live is sometimes very simple, that is, there are still concerns in this world, maybe because someone still belongs to you, maybe because you still belong to someone.She realized that she was already thinking about Liuzhi.She thought that she would try her best to love Liuzhi, and she believed that she would fall in love with Liuzhi.Even if she really can't, she must treat Liuzhi well, definitely! The phone rang suddenly. It's six fingers!Huang Nina rushed to grab the phone and called, Liuzhi, Liuzhi, where are you?Why don't you come back? After a long time, there was a hoarse voice on the phone, Sister Huang, it's me, Xiao Zhao. Huang Nina's heart sank suddenly, Xiao Yue, you... what do you want from me? Xiao Zhao hesitated for a moment, then suddenly said, Sister Huang, you copied the file! Xiao Zhao... You stop lying to me, I really don't understand why you do this?I really don't understand why you want to cheat me?I have now been expelled from the unit!Fired you know?I'm out of work, and I'll never be asked to do it again.You ruined me!You have completely ruined me! Xiao Zhao, I... You don't have to say anything, I will never trust you again.I have already explained the situation to the procuratorate, and the procuratorate will arrest you immediately, and then you can honestly explain it! The phone hung up with a bang. Huang Nina collapsed on the bed with a dazed expression, staring blankly at the ceiling above her head, her mind was blank like a floppy disk that had been emptied. After a long time, Huang Nina turned her numb head and thought hard, it's over, this time I'm completely over.Xiao Zhao said that the procuratorate will come to arrest me soon, and will come to arrest me soon.But how could I break the law?How did I become a criminal?No, isn't everything I do for Zhou Heping?It was Zhou Heping who asked me to do it, yes, it was Zhou Heping!Huang Nina sat up from the bed suddenly, thought for a while, but lay down softly again.No, not Zhou Heping, Huang Nina remembered, Zhou Heping only asked her to help, but didn't say what to do or how to do it.Everything was done on her own initiative, and all the consequences had to be borne by herself! Why isn't Six Fingers coming back?Huang Nina thought drowsily, Liuzhi, come back quickly, come back and help me, help me. My whole body ached like being grilled on a chopping board, probably because I had a high fever again, and my head was beeping like it was about to explode.It's so hot, it would be nice to have an ice pack, even a cool towel, or just a sip of cold water, as long as it's cold.hot...hot... Huang Nina opened her eyes suddenly, leaned over and fumbled under the bed with difficulty, took out an iron box tremblingly, and hugged it in her arms while panting.With the cold iron box pressed against her chest, Huang Nina immediately felt much more comfortable.She lowered her head and pressed her face against the iron box, the cold feeling mixed with the familiar iron smell rushed into her mouth and heart, and the tears immediately poured out like a gate. This iron box was discovered by Huang Nina when she was sorting out her mother's death.At that time, the iron box was placed in the most secret corner of my mother's bedroom, and there was a delicate copper lock on it, but no key was found.Huang Nina hesitated for a long time while holding the heavy iron box. She couldn't figure out what her mother would hide in it.I remember that after my mother knew that her life was not long, she had explained to her many things at home more than once, but she never mentioned this iron box.Later, Huang Nina took a lot of effort to pry the copper lock open. When she opened the box cover suspiciously, she couldn't help being surprised: what was hidden in the box turned out to be a pistol!This is a pocket-sized Browning pistol, not as big as Huang Nina's palm.The strangest thing is that this gun is very well maintained, there is no rust at all, and the burnt blue glows dimly on the oily gun body.Obviously, this gun is often cleaned and maintained by someone.Huang Nina really couldn't figure out why her mother hid a gun.She was sure that her father would not know about this gun. If he had known, he would have handed it over to the organization with his serious attitude.This kind of gun is basically captured during the war years.That said, Mom has probably been keeping this gun behind Dad's back for decades.The gun that has been kept for decades has no rust at all, which shows how much my mother cherishes it!Huang Nina found that there was still a whole box of ammunition in the iron box, which was obviously dried and baked frequently, otherwise it would have been scrapped long ago.She once took the gun to a secluded mountain and tried to shoot a few rounds, and found that the gun was very useful. Although it couldn't shoot too far, the gun was accurate.After all, the bullets have been placed for too long, and there will always be one or two bad ones in ten rounds. Since then, Huang Nina has hidden the gun in her bedroom.In the dead of night, she often opened the iron box, took out the gun to wipe it or fiddled with it for a while.At first she was just curious, always wanting to figure out the origin of this gun, and to experience the feeling of her mother when she used to play with the gun alone in the middle of the night.Gradually, Huang Nina developed a strange feeling: whenever she was playing with this gun, Zhou Dongjin's shadow would suddenly appear in front of her eyes.She once thought that maybe it was because she knew that Zhou Dongjin liked guns, so she often associated Zhou Dongjin with guns, but she knew that Zhou Dongjin never played with such small guns.What's even more strange is that after a long time, she naturally confused this gun with Zhou Dongjin in her heart, and often involuntarily shouted "Dongjin" at the gun.Before going to bed at night, she often put her arms around the gun and said: Dongjin, let's sleep.Then fall into a deep sleep.Before going out in the morning, when she put the gun into the box, she would always say to herself: Dongjin, I'm going out.On this day, I will feel very at ease in my heart, as if someone at home is waiting for me.After a long time, she found that she had found some feeling in this gun that she had been longing to find in a man: that heavy, cold, tough, masculine feeling; that exciting, The feeling of an exciting partner of the opposite sex; the feeling that makes a woman feel at ease and makes a woman feel dependent.Gradually, this gun became her love thing, her partner, her lover, and her man, and she became more and more inseparable from this gun. The door opened suddenly, and a person walked in from outside.The figure of that person seems to be very familiar, but the face is a bit blurred, and I can't see clearly. Huang Nina asked: Who? The man didn't answer, and walked straight towards Huang Nina. It was only when Huang Nina got closer that she saw clearly that it was Zhou Dongjin! Huang Nina's heart suddenly tightened, you... what are you doing here? Zhou Dongjin didn't answer, his face was indifferent. Huang Nina shouted in panic, stop! Zhou Dongjin's face was expressionless, and he continued to approach her. Huang Nina just felt a puff of air coming straight up from her heart, which made her heart and lungs almost explode.She suddenly raised the gun hysterically, and shouted in a high voice: Zhou Dongjin, if you don't stop, I will shoot! Only then did Zhou Dongjin stop, looked at her and said, you can't, you love me. No!Huang Nina said, I don't love you, I hate you! Why?It was me who taught you love. It was you who made me fall out of love! It was me who made you remember what love is. It was you who made me lose the ability to love again because of remembering! It is I who leave the power of choice to you, so that you can re-choose your own life without interference. No!It was you who never looked back and threw regret and disappointment at me forever, completely ruining my life! But that's your choice. 你知道我是为了跟你赌气才这样选择的，你心里明明知道！可你就是不肯回头，你宁肯看着我毁掉也不肯回头！周东进，你真狠心呀你！我恨你，是你毁了我，是你把我这一辈子彻底毁掉了！ 难道你自己就没有一点过错吗？ 我当然有错！我错就错在爱上了你！错就错在离开你却又无法忘记你！周东进，你知道我有多恨你吗？我曾经无数次地在梦里把你咬碎撕烂，我曾经无数次地在想象中用这支枪把你杀死！现在，只要我一抠扳机你就完了！ 不，妮娜，你根本做不到。 我能做到！我早就想这样做了！ 你还是看看你手里的枪吧。 黄妮娜低下头，发现自己的枪口并没有对着周东进，而是冲着自己！她想把枪口调过去，但却怎么也办不到。正焦急着，就听周东进说，它就是我，我就是它，你怎么可能用它来对付我呢？ 黄妮娜仿佛突然明白了，她无法打死周东进，她做不到，无论怎样努力她也做不到。一种极度的绝望袭上心头，黄妮娜不顾一切地抠响了扳机，只听得“砰”的一声巨响，黄妮娜蓦然睁开了眼睛…… 真静啊，四周几乎没有一点声响，没有一丝生命的迹象，只有灰尘在窗前的光影中无声地翻飞起舞。 黄妮娜静静地躺了一会儿，呆呆地回想着梦中的情景。我怎么会做这么可怕的一个梦？she thinks.在梦里，她看见了周东进。其实，她是常在梦中看到周东进的，只是不知为什么，周东进在她梦里出现时面目总是很模糊。她总企图看得更清楚些，但却无论如何也无法把他看清楚。她常泄气地想，也许自己是真的不了解周东进，也许自己是真的从来也没看清楚过他。是的，她在梦里想杀死周东进，她向他开了枪！黄妮娜心里突然一阵慌乱，低头去看铁盒子，发现盒子盖得紧紧的，根本就没打开过。可是，她刚才确实拿出了枪，确实抠响了扳机，确实听到了那声震耳欲聋的枪响！对了，她记起来了，当时，那乌黑的枪口是朝着自己的。是的，枪口的确是朝着自己的！这就是说，她把自己给杀了！ 是啊，我为什么不能把自己杀掉呢？黄妮娜突然醒悟过来：也许这个梦就是上天在冥冥之中送给我的一个暗示，告诉我怎样才能彻底摆脱烦恼，从可怕的境遇中解脱出来。 六指还没有回来，可我为什么要等六指回来？即便六指回来了，他又能有什么办法呢？检察院很快就会来抓我的，我将要戴着手铐在众目睽睽下被带走，我将要站在法庭上受审，我将要被判刑，将要蹲监狱……不！No--!黄妮娜突然失声痛哭起来。 看来这个世界是真的不想再容我了！黄妮娜哭泣着想，我本来已经放弃了对生活的过高奢望，我本来已经降低标准准备接受另一种生活了，可为什么非要把我逼上绝路？连卑微地活下去的希望都不肯留给我？走到了这一步，我还有什么可说的呢？It's time to end.既然如此，那就让这一切彻底结束吧！ 黄妮娜止住哭泣，洗了把脸开始坐在梳妆台前化妆。一坐到梳妆台前，一打开化妆盒，黄妮娜的心就渐渐平静下来了。黄妮娜喜欢化妆，她热衷于用各种各样的色彩来装扮自己，迷恋那一勾一描间为她变幻出的虚假的美丽。对她来说，化妆是最好的心理养护和精神享受了。黄妮娜今天化妆格外投入，每一笔都很用心，就像要去参加一个盛大的聚会一样。她认真地用遮瑕笔遮住每一个并不显眼的斑点，仔细地用眉笔描画出每一根细密的眉毛，还有意把妆化得比平时重了许多，让自己看上去显得更鲜亮、更抢眼。 化完妆，黄妮娜久久地端详着镜子里那个美丽哀婉的女人，不由得一阵阵心酸。她不懂这个女人为什么得不到爱？要知道，她不仅曾经漂亮，而且至今还依然漂亮！她不懂这个女人为什么会落到这个地步？要知道，她是将门之女，她的父辈为了今天曾经付出过鲜血和生命，她理应比别人享受得更多，得到的更多！但现实却对她如此的不公，她不甘心，她心里实在是不甘心啊！眼泪不由自主地顺着面颊簌簌地滚落下来，刚刚化过妆的脸上又被冲得一片狼藉。 痛痛快快地哭过之后，黄妮娜又重新洗了脸化了妆。这以后她就一直忍着没再哭，她怕弄坏了脸上的妆，她希望自己留下的是一个干净、美丽的形象。 最后，当捧起那个铁盒子的时候，黄妮娜还是犹豫了，手不听话地剧烈地颤抖着，怎么也掀不开盒盖。她心里一阵害怕，像被烫着了似的突然松开了手。铁盒子咣当一声掉在地上，盒盖竟自己弹开了。 黄妮娜呆呆地看着打开的盒子，一屁股跌坐在了地上。很久，她才默默地捡起手枪。也许，这就是天意。黄妮娜凄然地想，工作没了，了了死了，周和平杳无音信了，检察院要来抓人了，所有的事都一起冲着我来了。当我没有勇气打开盒盖的时候，它竟然自己弹开了…… 黄妮娜咬紧牙关，哆哆嗦嗦地举起了手枪。六指，对不起，我不能等你了。黄妮娜边举枪边说，别怨我六指，谁让你我今世无缘呢？ 冰凉的枪口一贴到脸上，黄妮娜立刻浑身一紧，冷不防打了个寒战。no!她想，我不能往头上打，这样太难看了，会破坏我的形象的。她赶紧把枪口移下来，抵在了胸前。 一切都准备好了，黄妮娜最后看了一眼镜子里的自己，对着镜子说，我知道你不甘心，我知道你死都不甘心啊！说罢，就紧紧地闭上了眼睛…… 远远地，周东进就看见黄妮娜家的门前车水马龙，人头攒动。走到近前，见院子里搭了个灵棚。灵棚布置得很俗，门前挑着灵幡和成串的纸钱，灵堂中间悬挂着黄妮娜的遗像，遗像下面堆满了纸糊的冥物，既有金山、银山、摇钱树，又有彩电、冰箱、小汽车。虽然也有鲜花，但鲜花却被那些金灿灿的物件拐带得随了俗，全没了自我。门口雇的几个吹响乐的，起劲儿地吹着一些听不出是悲是喜的曲子。不时有车停在门前，来的人没一个空手，都规规矩矩地捧着东西，到灵前鞠躬行礼后退下。 令周东进吃惊的是，灵前肃立着许多戴黑纱白花的人，脸上一律木滋滋的全无表情，看了一圈竟一个也不认识！周东进知道黄家没人了，心想，这场面一定是哪位亲戚帮着张罗的。看得出，这位亲戚是尽量想把排场搞大。只可惜他并不了解黄家，不知道这种家庭根本就不兴这套民间的丧葬习俗。 黄妮娜不会喜欢用这种方式来送她的，周东进想，她不会喜欢这些俗不可耐的假东西，更不会喜欢这种闹哄哄的不伦不类的场面。 周东进给黄妮娜带来了一大捧白色的百合花。黄妮娜喜欢白百合花。从前，每到百合开花的时候，常有许多人走街串巷卖花，那些百合都是刚刚从山上采来的，新鲜得还带着山中的露水。黄妮娜只要一见到就买，见一个买回一把，而且专挑白色的百合花买。那个年代不像现在这样时兴鲜花，部队里更是不能容忍这类资产阶级情调的东西。黄妮娜因为在宿舍里到处摆花影响内务，不知受到过多少次批评。但她就是屡教不改，刚刚被批评得眼泪巴嚓的，一出门见到卖花的还是忍不住想买。记得周东进当年曾开玩笑说，如果黄妮娜肯嫁给他，等黄妮娜死后，他一定要用百合花把她埋起来。黄妮娜当时高兴得直跳脚，说，那我现在就嫁给你吧！黄妮娜最终没能嫁给他，而现在埋在黄妮娜身上的也不是百合花，而是一些与她毫不相干的金灿灿的俗物。周东进不禁悲哀地想，人生一世，有多少人能按自己的意愿活着，又有多少人能按自己的意愿去死呢？ 眼睛一阵酸胀，周东进稳了稳情绪，刚想进去，却被一个人迎面拦住了。 你是周东进？那人问，眼睛并不看周东进，只专注地看着自己缠着纱布的左手。 yes.周东进答道，很奇怪这个人怎么会认识自己。 那人声音低沉地说，你给我出去！ 周东进一愣，仔细打量眼前这个五短身材的汉子，发现自己并不认识他。也许这是黄家的什么亲戚，周东进想，也许这人知道他和黄妮娜之间的一些事情，但是…… Did you hear that?那人加重语气道，你给我出去！ 周东进不动声色地抬了抬下巴说，我是来吊唁的，请你…… You are not eligible!那人打断周东进，端详着手上的纱布说。 周东进默默地盯了那人一眼，刚想往里闯，身边却呼地围上来好几个汉子。 那人龇了龇牙，使劲地往手上吹了口气说，别他妈跟我来硬的，趁早老老实实出去还能保你个皮肉完整。否则，那人“刷”地一下撕掉手上的纱布说，看见这了吗？我自己剁的。我这人就像这第六根手指头，天生多余，说不要“咔嚓”一声就可以除掉。你可比我金贵多了，你千万可别跟我这样的人较劲儿。不值得。 周东进的脸由红变白，由白变青，冷冷地说，我今天是来吊唁的，不是来跟谁较劲儿的。至于资格嘛，依我看，诚心就是资格，只要是真心实意就有资格！ 说得不错，那人睇视了周东进一眼说，只可惜你“真心实意”得太晚了点，只可惜你“真心实意”得太不是时候了！你他妈的少在这跟我装蛋！你算个什么东西？你、周和平，还有那个姓魏的，你们他妈的都不是东西！表面上一个个人五人六好像挺有身份有地位的，呸！其实全他妈的是没心肝的下水货，连我这种人渣都不如！ 看出来了，周东进说，你的确像个人渣，真没想到黄妮娜还有你这种亲戚！ 你说错了，我不是她的亲戚，我高攀不上！ 那你就没理由在这拦着我！ 你又说错了，最有理由拦你的就是我！告诉你，今天这里我说了算。这个灵棚是我让人搭的，这些守灵的人是我花钱雇的，这些吹丧曲的是我请的，这些赶场子来吊唁的都是我的哥们儿弟兄！我还雇了卡迪拉克灵车为她送葬，我还雇了一百辆奔驰车给她送行！ No wonder. What do you mean? 怪不得我一进来就觉得这里的气氛不对头，怪不得那些人一个个只知道木滋滋地杵在那里，怪不得场面搞得如此俗不可耐！ 你他妈的放屁！你酸什么酸？我最恨你们这些人身上这股子酸劲儿了，看谁都俗，看谁都不如你们。我还告诉你，我就这么俗，我宁肯雇那些不相干的人在这站着，也不让你们这套号的跑到她面前来装孙子！你们还没坑够她呀？你们还嫌她不够惨吗？她都死了你们还想来搅和她啊？ !没门儿！回去告诉你们那些杂碎，谁也别上这来给我找事！我要让她安安心心、高高兴兴地走！我要让她风风光光、热热闹闹地走！ 周东进倒真有点对这个长着六根手指头的家伙刮目相看了。这番话虽粗鲁，但却透着一股子仗义、真诚。若是别的事，周东进还真可能看在他真心诚意的份上就此让步了，但这事不行。周东进懒得再跟他纠缠，伸手想把他扒拉到一边去，那人却反转手臂一下子把周东进的手抓住了。旁边那几个汉子刚想上，被那人止住了。 两人眼睛对着眼睛，手攥着手，互相逼视着较起力来。只见两个人手臂上青筋暴突，脸色越来越紫，呼吸越来越粗重。僵持了十几分钟，竟谁都纹丝未动。 行，我看你还算是条汉子！那人突然龇了下牙说，今天我就放你一码。说罢，侧身让开了。 周东进看也不看他一眼，一甩手就走了进去。他径直走到黄妮娜的遗像前，把手里的白百合花轻轻放下，深深地鞠了三个躬，抬起头默默地看着黄妮娜的遗像。 黄妮娜正瞪大眼睛望着周东进，神情显得有些惊讶。她的眼睛依然很美，但眸子里却没了从前的清澈，仿佛藏满了深深的幽怨。 You came?Huang Nina asked. 我来了。周东进答。 黄妮娜长长地叹了一口气，你终于来了。 我……来晚了，我早就该来的。 来了就好，来了就不晚。 妮娜，我来是想告诉你一句话：我爱你，我一直都爱着你。 I know. 妮娜，我对不起你。我明明知道你骄傲、脆弱、死要面子，但却一点机会也不留给你！你说得对，我只在乎自己内心里的那点感觉，只在乎维护自己作为男人的那点自尊心。我真混，我从来就没好好地站在你的角度上认真地替你着想过！ 东进，你为什么不早点把这些话告诉我？虽然我们分手了，但总可以找到机会把这些话谈开呀？ 我想过要找你，但到我想明白的时候已经晚了，你已经嫁给魏明坤了。你知道我与他之间的关系。 所以你就再也没找过我。 yes.虽然后来我知道你离了婚，知道你过得很不如意，但也一直没找过你。妮娜，你看我就是这样一个既狭隘又自私的人。我总想等你主动来找我，我知道你是一个很娇气很软弱的女人，知道你自己没能力应付困难，知道你很难长时间地撑下去。我想，早晚有一天你会来找我的，等你来找我，等我的自尊心得到满足，我再尽力去帮你。可你就是不来，你过得那么艰难也没来找过我！看来你是一直不肯原谅我，一直在心里怨恨着我！ 不，我也爱你，我也一直都爱着你。 我以为在你的心里，我早已经不存在了。 东进，你一点也不了解女人。女人的记忆是最偏执的。女人只要真心爱过，就会永世不忘。 那你就应该来找我！你就应该知道我会帮助你的！ 唉，我和你一样，我们表面上虽然截然不同，但骨子里有许多东西都十分相似，我们都拿自己没办法，我们谁都拗不过自己。 妮娜，你不该走这条路。 哪条路都有人走，没什么该与不该。何况，走哪条路真能由自己决定吗？ 当然能。虽然我们不能保证自己的选择一定是正确的，但至少不应该放弃，至少应该按自己的意愿去选择。 东进，你一点也没变。这么多年过去了，你还是那么热情自信。可你怎么就不想想，我们走过的路哪一次是由着自己的性子选择的呢？哪一次不是在内心和外界的多重压力下被迫选择的呢？即便是现在，你不也正在为选择而焦虑，为被迫选择而苦恼吗？ 可这毕竟是一种积极的态度，总比消极放弃要好。 其实放弃也是选择，我这不也是一种选择吗？ But…… 东进，你能来我真高兴，谢谢你来送我。 But…… 东进，谢谢你的百合花，百合花真好看。 ... 眼泪在周东进的眼里打了几个旋，又被生生地憋回去了，喉头被噎得酸胀酸涨的难受，周东进深深地垂下头，一动不动地站了很久。 离开时，那人又在门口把周东进拦住了。那人说，我看出来了，你比周和平那小子强。有件事看来只能拜托你了。我给她在青云岭买了块墓地，这些手续就放在你手里保存着吧。有时间勤去照看着点，我怕老没人去关照，他们不好好给她收拾着。她……那人把脸别过去低声说，她喜欢干净。 停了一会儿，那人才转回脸，向周东进解释说，我不能照看她了。我犯下了死罪，贩毒罪，没缓了。我是罪有应得，枪毙几个来回都够了。你看见路口那辆警车了吗？那就是等我的。我已经投案自首了，等这边事一办完，我就得跟他们走。 那人突然露出一副狰狞面孔朝着周东进发狠说，小子，你这眼神儿可真不咋的呀。这样的女人也舍得丢？我估摸着，你那两个大眼珠子是喘气用的吧？Hold!要不是指望你照看她，我他妈的真想坐地废了你！