Chapter 17 Chapter fifteen

The Spring Festival is coming, and I have been taking a long vacation and not going to work.The husband has not been seen since that encounter at the train station.My daughter has also been living with her grandma.During this period of time, I faced my own shadow almost from morning to night, and I never even had a phone call. It seemed that everyone made an appointment to forget me.Home - like a lonely tomb, without sound, without movement, without vitality, without color, and even the only life - I also seem to be a walking dead. Only now do I deeply feel that for so many years, before I met Sima Xiao, the only things that could prove my existence were my children and husband, and my entire life was actually just these.But the content of the life of my husband and children is not just me.When they leave me, they can still live, still be happy, and continue to move forward along their life track.And me, once I lose them, what else do I have?What is the difference between lying in bed every day and lying in the grave?Or when I do lie in the grave, how many people will realize that there is one less person in this world, how many people will remember me?Only this time did I truly realize how poor and bleak my life was, with no friends, no career, no sustenance, no ideals, no hope, no passion.This is true solitude, a solitary isolation from the rest of the world.

Whenever the first ray of sunlight in the sky shines on the window, I know it is dawn, and whenever the last ray of sunlight leaves my window, I know it is dark.Sunrise and sunset, dreams and dreams, there is nothing I need to do, or what I need to do, the only thing waiting is the news of my husband, the final sentence.This kind of waiting is like a death row prisoner waiting for the time to be shot, desperate and restless, terrified and helpless.In the dusk of a desolate winter day, in the morning light with fluttering snowflakes, in the moment of frightened dreams in the middle of the night, and in the moment of waking up in the afternoon, it all becomes a kind of torment in water and fire and a struggle in blood and fire.In this struggle, I became sensitive and suspicious, thin and weak.Whenever there were footsteps in the corridor, I would listen like a frightened small animal in the forest sniffing out the attacker, suspecting that my husband would come back to show the divorce.How many times have I mistook him for the milkman, or the neighbor for him, and each time it was a false alarm.

In this frightening waiting, my fragile nerves finally collapsed.It was a gloomy morning. After toileting in the bathroom, I lost consciousness and woke up after fifteen minutes of lethargy.It was the constant flow of cold water from the faucet above my head that woke me up.I only remember falling into an ice cave in a blur. When I climbed up, I kept wiping the cold water on my body desperately... I slowly stood up, and found that I was so weak. Darkness surged in front of my eyes. In a daze, I had to squat down again, letting the darkness in front of my eyes be turned upside down, and the ringing in my ears shaking the sky.On that day, I had a kind of extreme fear: If I die, if I just keep fainting like that, who will know?How many days later, when my husband notified me of divorce, when he saw my decomposed body... this terrible thought almost broke me, I felt that I could not wait like this any longer, I wanted to find him, I I can't bear to tell him to stop torturing each other like this.

I finally got through to his phone, letting his cold voice sting me.I gritted my teeth and stammered, I want to have a talk with you, or just call it a day if you want.He was silent on the phone, and I couldn't see his expression, so I felt more uneasy and panic in his silence.I said, don't torture each other like this, okay?I want to see you once, just to talk about our business.He remained silent, and in the end he just said, okay. After six o'clock in the afternoon, I kept staring at the watch, but my ears listened to the movement in the hallway.Every movement, every sound of footsteps will make my heart beat wildly. I don't know when my husband has become such a person in my heart that makes me fear and uneasy, and makes me look forward to and makes me helpless.From six o'clock until about eight o'clock in the evening, the doors of the neighbors' houses rang again and again, and all those who should get off work came back, but my husband still didn't show up for a long time.I almost forgot to eat and was always in the tension of waiting for him.At five minutes to eight, I finally heard footsteps in the corridor again, and once again I rushed to the living room door and listened.It was the sound of her husband's footsteps. Although it lost its former liveliness, it still retained its original strength and rhythm.The footsteps stopped outside the door, and for a moment he hesitated and flinched.Just as I was about to pull the door open, there was a slight knock on the door at the same time.My hand panicked for a split second, and I turned twice before opening the door.

When we opened the door, we saw each other's eyes almost at the same time for the first time, but this relative look made both of us suddenly feel a kind of tension and embarrassment. We both read the shyness and pain in each other's eyes.Then we dodged each other as quickly as two frightened mice.I backed up and motioned nervously for him to come in.He went inside and stood under the lamp, bewildered like a child who has gone through the wrong door. When he finally sat on the sofa and looked up at me, I realized once again how I had hurt a gentle and tender husband and man.He has lost a lot of weight, and I have spent several years to make him plump, and he is almost returning to the time before and after marriage.The wrinkles on his forehead have obviously increased again, the original childishness has long since disappeared without a trace, replaced by a kind of vicissitudes and ups and downs.My heart was sore, my eyes became moist, my throat choked up, and I forgot all the words I had thought about all afternoon.

In this kind of silence, something sad and heartbreaking is quietly growing, like a seedling that breaks the ground, silently exuding a strong breath.He finally broke the melancholy and spoke, you look very bad, are you sick? My tears burst out with his caring greeting, I could only shake my head vigorously to suppress my emotions, and then struggled to utter two words, it's all right. He suddenly looked at the wall next to him, and the wedding photo hanging on the wall had now been turned upside down.My heart tensed again, and I watched his expression in fear.He seemed to be startled for a moment, and then a painful memory flooded his face, then he calmed down, turned his head, and said in an indifferent tone, tell me about your plan!

In his suddenly indifferent eyes, my heart suddenly became like a sinking ship, desolate and hopeless.I raised my head in a panic, and felt a little overwhelmed for a moment, and I muttered without saying a word.Maybe my demeanor moved him, maybe my ugly face softened his heart, he let out a long sigh, turned his hands on his lap and looked around, as if he was looking for something, then raised his head again, looked He glanced at me, sighed softly again, and then resumed his original generosity.He stretched out a hand to my forehead, but when he touched it, he retracted suddenly and said, are you really not sick?

His tolerance and sighs were like a strong wind that made my fragile heart flutter, and my tears were on the verge of falling.I felt a lump in my throat and a sore nose, and I shook my head vigorously again, but my heart trembled: he still treats me so kindly, after experiencing so much hurt.Compared to him who is pure and innocent, I am a bit heinous: I gave him a broken body from the beginning, and then made him shame, I cheated him from body to soul, betrayed him, cheated and betrayed a person who was against me Infatuated and loyal man and husband.What face do I have to face him again, what qualifications do I have to be worthy of this sincere love.

I stood up, with tears in my eyes, and turned my back to him.I knew it was time for me to make a decision, time for me to set him free, and time for me to punish myself.I turned my head to look at my husband again. His honest eyes and face, his concern and helplessness, his injury and pain, his persistence and kindness strengthened my determination.Husband, I know that your kindness makes you unable to let me go, and I know that your innocence makes you still love me, but I no longer deserve you.Perhaps after experiencing the pain of separation, you will find a love that matches you and makes you happy.I swallowed hard my saliva and held back my tears.Then I forced my eyes to pass him calmly, looked at the white wall behind him, and said weakly, let's break up!

He was stunned, his eyes showed confusion for a moment, and the muscles on his face jumped up unnaturally.The caring and gentle expression just now disappeared all of a sudden, and deep pain was overflowing from his wide-open eyes, he said, why?The voice was so low it almost seemed to be coming from some distant corner. I don't know why he still cares about this why, I don't know how to answer this why, I just turned my head sadly, feeling sad for his infatuation.There was a deathly silence in the room, I could almost hear the sound of tears streaming down my cheeks and falling to the ground, and even the sound of tears shattering after falling to the ground.Through the thick silence, the sound of my husband's breathing slowly came from behind, getting heavier and heavier, like thunder from a certain corner, dull and depressing, I suddenly had a premonition that something was brewing in this silence. There was a terrible storm, and my aching heart was sinking into an endless black hole.

The storm finally came.My husband’s panting stopped suddenly. Before I could figure out what was going to happen next, there was a sound of slamming teacups and other things, accompanied by my husband’s figure and rushed to me. He suddenly grabbed my hand. Collar, staring at a pair of hateful eyes, gritted his teeth and said, you are finally going to marry him, aren't you?He sprayed hot air on my face from his nostrils and mouth, well, I will help you!bitch! I reluctantly looked at his angry face, tears streaming down in strings.What can I explain, my husband!Facing you, I am ashamed and regretful.Why are you so infatuated, why?I am no longer worthy of you, let me go!I was thinking about this over and over again in my heart, but I couldn't tell him. I finally burst into tears, and I cried and said, let me go! roll!Get into his arms!He yelled wildly, jumped up from my side, and then, thumped back and forth in the living room like a trapped animal, yelling, "Go away, bitch, go away!"Shameless woman, woman without conscience.I'm a fucking bastard!I waited for you to change your mind time and time again, and forgive you time and time again. To this day, I still think you will repent. He suddenly stood in front of me, staring furiously, banging his head with his hands, yelling, I'm so fucking stupid for a bitch. With blurred tears in my eyes, I saw him stop suddenly, stretch out his arms, take off the wedding photo from the wall, and fall down with a "slap". The sharp sound of breaking made my weak heart almost break.In his madness, he kept stomping on the photo like a hysterical beast. After a minute, the frame and the photo became a pile of rotten glass scum in the living room.Enduring the pain in my heart, I walked over slowly, knelt down and groped the pile of lenses with my hands, caressing me and him who were fragmented under the glass slag but still smiling ignorantly. Stop on top.The crystal clear and beautiful luster and the light of the broken glass reflect each other, making people heartbroken. Just as I was crying intently at the pile of broken glass, he suddenly bent down, grabbed my shoulders tightly with his hands, and pulled me up.His angry eyes were wide open, and while shaking me desperately, he gritted his teeth and said word by word, do you know what a pity?For you, not at all!Because in no time you can change a bridal photoshoot. As he swayed wildly, I felt like a reed unable to control my balance in the wind, unconscious and weak, I could only sway with the wind, and my thin neck seemed to be unable to support my husband. Shaking down and dangling head.I felt like I was slumping down like a pile of mud, and my consciousness was drifting away like autumn smoke.In the misty mist, I was so sad that I thought of a little tiger in Wang Zhenqiang's car.The little tiger's neck and head are connected by a thin shaft, so the head on the little tiger's neck is always shaking.Thinking of this, I suddenly felt that I must be very funny.And my husband's red and staring eyes seemed to be floating in the mist in front of my face, black and white are not clear, I don't know if he is angry or laughing... I woke up a day later.I was lying in a clean hospital on an IV. A little girl sitting in the clinic was looking at me intently.When she saw me smiling at her, she also smiled at me with her white teeth.Then he came back to his senses and whispered to the woman on the bed who was undergoing infusion, "Mom, auntie woke up."The woman turned to me and smiled.I also smiled back as a greeting. It was already morning, and the sunlight outside the window shone brightly on the glass, casting beams of fresh and dazzling light into the room, passing over my bed from the side of the little girl, and extending to the infusion bottle next to it, so the bottle The liquid in it also became transparent and clean, and countless particles rose from the bottom of the bottle, bright and beautiful like the stars in the night sky.The light passed through the bottle and hit the wall behind, and the spot of light kept flickering and flowing.My husband was sleeping soundly on his stomach next to my bed, his face was exhausted and the grayness brought about by exhaustion, especially the deep wrinkles on his tightly wrinkled forehead constantly touched my weak heart.I think about that conflict, and I don't know how I'm going to face him when he wakes up. The corridor began to be lively, because it was time for work, and the breakfast deliverers came and went.The door opened, and a clean and tidy man of medium build walked over carrying a thermos bucket with a breath of freshness in the morning.That kind of freshness stirred up a small vortex in the smell of Lysol for an instant.I couldn't help sucking my nose, hoping to take a few mouthfuls of fresh air.The little girl yelled and ran over. My husband woke up, rubbing his bloodshot eyes and looking at me.We both felt a moment of overwhelm as our eyes met.He stood up and said, I'm going to buy something to eat.Then ask with affection and guilt, what do you want to eat? Husband went out on my anything-goes answer.I stared at the place where he lay down, where the sheet was crumpled, and there were still a few hairs lying there conspicuously in a mess, with a pale hair among them, and I couldn't help but feel my nose sore.The three people next to them chattered and laughed, driving away the inherent melancholy and gloomy atmosphere in the ward without a trace, and the whole room was warm and warm under the sunshine.I suddenly realized that I should have such a happy family, because I originally had a generous and pure husband, and a smart and beautiful daughter.However, everything is my fault and everything is irreparable.It was fate that I was not worthy of my husband, so I should return my husband to the woman who was worthy of him. When I thought about giving my husband back to the woman who was worthy of him, fate really reached out and prepared to give my husband to the woman he deserved.Perhaps the God of Destiny has found it hard to appease what happened to my husband, or maybe the God of Destiny can no longer tolerate me, a bad woman, wasting my husband's life again.The phone rang, and it was my husband's cell phone, which must have been placed next to my pillow when my husband fell asleep. The phone rang one after another, interrupting the conversation and laughter of the family of three next to them. They turned their heads to look at the place where the sound came from.I looked at my husband's cell phone and didn't know whether to answer it or let it ring.After about six or seven rings, the phone stopped.I let out a long breath and lay down again. The three people next to me had already finished their meal. When the husband was cleaning up the mess, the phone rang again, and I hesitated to answer it again. What if it was about my husband's work?So I picked up the phone, and I saw a phone number that seemed familiar.Before I could figure out who was calling, I connected. A soft female voice came from the phone.After she heard me, she stopped suddenly. This sudden silence made me suddenly feel that she must be the girlfriend of my husband.Almost at the same time, I remembered this phone number, which was the phone number before I followed my husband, that is, when I eavesdropped on my husband's phone call, I memorized it by rote.In front of her who came suddenly, I also became at a loss.I don't know whether to say something or remain silent, I don't know whether to wait or turn off the phone.The other party must be as bewildered as I am. Time passed by second by second in this embarrassment, and I suddenly had a thought: Is this an opportunity that fate gave me, a chance to repay my husband?At this moment, it suddenly occurred to me that it must be the God standing outside the window, or the God of Destiny really came.This thought made my heart beat violently, and then I heard myself say, I am his lover, can I see you, I want to talk to you.I heard my voice faint and trembling.After about a minute of silence, the other party finally heard a voice, okay!The voice also became cautious.A minute later, we had set a time and place, and she gave me an address for an appointment.It was eight o'clock the next night. After hanging up the phone, I felt like I had a dream, and when I returned to reality, I found that my behavior just now was very bold and brave.The little girl next to her has disappeared, only the woman is resting with her eyes closed.The sunlight outside the window has shifted slightly, and part of it has already shone on half of my shoulders.The husband came back with bread, milk and ham.When he sent the food to my hands one by one, I felt his kindness and generosity again. This feeling made me feel again that I really should let him enjoy the woman he should have. The next day, I went home from the hospital, because I knew from the doctor that my illness was not serious, but caused by malnutrition and excessive mental stimulation.In the evening, although I was nervous, I pretended to be calm and went to the appointment at the address given by my husband's girlfriend.When I arrived at this place, I realized that this was the teahouse where I broke up with Sima Xiao.When I made this discovery, I felt a faint uneasiness rising in my heart. My husband's girlfriend was waiting for me at the door of a tea room, she was slim and tall like a fresh lotus.And the fluttering long hair is flying in the cold winter wind with a kind of graceful charm.She stepped forward gracefully and chatted.My tense mood was relieved by her gentle demeanor. I followed her, observing her beautiful figure while thinking about the next conversation.When I recovered from her charming demeanor, I realized that we walked into the same room where I stayed when Sima Xiao and I broke up.For a moment, Sima Xiao's figure, breath, and voice filled his eyes and in front of him.I must be a fool sitting there. It was only when she urged me to drink tea that I noticed that the fragrance of tea was already around us.When I came back to my senses, I saw that she was so beautiful under the light.Oh, this is the woman a husband should have: beautiful, charming, elegant and trendy. She took a sip of tea, looked at me softly and said, did she remember something? I froze, not knowing what she was implying.She smiled softly, and said, I'm sorry, we actually have nothing to hide.The reason why I brought you here is because I want to tell you that I know everything about you, including all your husband's activities here, including your only consumption here. I became more and more confused, my mind was like a mess and I couldn't figure it out.I muttered, my consumption... She said yes.I am the boss here. God, the world is so small!No wonder that when I was leaving, I saw a familiar face, no wonder I always felt uneasy that time.I suddenly felt ashamed and flustered for a moment, and I didn't expect this to be the beginning of our conversation. She still said softly, the world is really too small, maybe it should be said that it is easy for people with predestined relationship to get together.Because this room is not only the place where you used to consume, but also the place where your husband drinks tea every time after drinking! In my astonishment, she quietly bloomed in front of me like a beautiful flower, her petal-like lips said calmly, when you came here, when you just walked into the hall, Your husband, who was sitting next to me by the checkout counter, was watching.It wasn't me who stopped me, I'm afraid a fight started at that time, but in the end he still followed.She looked at me calmly for a few seconds, then said with a hint of shame, I'm sorry I didn't stop at the end. I have to admit again, God has eyes, let me bump into his muzzle! I have completely lost in front of her.In fact, before meeting her, in my heart, I had long been willing to fail, because I no longer deserved the love of my husband.It would be wrong to say that I met her because of some kind of hostility deep in my heart. I think my main purpose should be to do an investigation for my husband's future love and marriage.After experiencing betrayal and remorse and realizing the shame and taint that I once suffered, I really have no face to face my husband anymore. Although he also betrayed me, I still cannot enjoy his love with peace of mind. .Maybe one of the reasons is because I caused his betrayal, so I can't blame him; another deep reason may be the real reason.That is, deep in my heart, I have always believed that men can have some sexual affairs at certain times, but women are absolutely not allowed.I don't know if this concept was given to me by society or because of the education I received since I was a child.Although I know this is a wrong idea in a society where men and women are equal, I can't convince myself. When I was clear about my purpose, I finally got rid of the shame of failure.I picked up the teacup and took a sip of tea to calm my mind and expression.Then, I said, do you love him? She was startled, a trace of shyness and embarrassment flashed across her soft face, then she lowered her head and stared at the teacup on the table thoughtfully.I lifted the teapot to add new tea for her, and when I sat down again, she raised her head and said softly, thank you!Then she looked straight into my eyes and said three words in a firm tone, I love him! This was what I expected, so I didn't make any statement, but just looked at her pretending to be calm.The air in the room seemed to freeze, and it was so quiet that one could almost hear the sound of steam coming out of the tea.She lowered her voice and said quietly, I know I hurt you by saying this, but if there are spirits in the heavens, if there is knowledge in this room, they will forgive me and forgive him. I looked at that beautiful face in confusion. Under the light, that beautiful peach blossom face seemed to be covered with a thin layer of faint white mist, and it began to become inseparable and hazy.She spoke, you tell me do you still love him?The voice seemed to float from behind the light mist, ethereal and indistinct, and might be washed away at any time. I sorted out my thoughts and consciousness, and then looked over, trying to see the woman opposite, but in vain, she was still like a flower in the mist, showing me a kind of unreachable beauty.I had no choice but to look at the blurred beautiful shadow and say, I still love him! There was a slight laugh from the opposite side. If you didn't pay attention to her red lips, you would definitely think it was a short sigh.I suddenly had a feeling of being ridiculed: love him and betray him!Betrayed him and said he loved him! He still loves you dearly, no less than at first!Her voice grew louder.But you know, since you love each other, why can't you live anymore? I shook my head, as if I knew why, but I couldn't explain why.Her voice suddenly sounded like an elder with authoritative and mature thinking. She said that because he loved deeply, he was also deeply hurt.Just like when a corner of his beloved is broken, the perfect pain of losing his beloved will make his heart hurt as long as he sees his beloved.Marriage is sometimes united by love, but sometimes it is separated by love.do you understand me? I nodded ignorantly, listening to her continue, I love him not because he loves me, but because he is worthy of my love.In fact, I still can't say that he loves me.But I love him, and that's enough.Just like he loved you at the beginning, but you didn't love him.But I firmly believe that he is someone worthy of my love, and I also firmly believe that he will not disappoint my love, and I will arouse his love.He is different from you, you have let him down, I believe he will not let me down... I was suddenly surprised by her rich knowledge of marriage and love, and I became even more curious about this beautiful woman in front of me. I couldn't help but think that this woman is very strange.However, the mouth involuntarily said a word, you surprised me! She was obviously surprised too.She looked at me in confusion for a moment, and then seemed to be hesitating about something, but soon she seemed to make up her mind, she bit her red lower lip with her white teeth, and said in a low-key way, if you are interested, I can tell you about me. She took another sip of her tea and said in a low voice, I applied to a company after graduating from a university in Yancheng, and I once dealt with your husband once, but that time, we were just casual acquaintances and had no relationship with each other. What a deep impression.Later, because of a tense relationship with the boss, he resigned and went to sea to open this tea house. She stood up gently, moved quietly, and walked to the only window.Her beautiful back is clamped in the ink-black window, like a familiar painting.And her voice came softly from that portrait, like a poem accompanying the painting.I suddenly remembered an electronic greeting card I once sent to Sima Xiao: it was a greeting card with the theme of longing, in which was a lonely woman standing in the night, staring at the dark night and the distant sky in a daze.Only the long black hair was blown by the wind, fluttering chaotically, and with this silent fluttering, there were strands of music playing.I couldn't help but think of my scholar again, tears welled up in my eyes again.I subconsciously muttered in my heart, my scholar, how are you? Then, your husband suddenly came one day.Her soft words interrupted my thoughts.The second time we met, the distance suddenly narrowed.Then he often comes here for tea with guests.We became good friends.It never occurred to me to be a third party, and your husband never had any special relationship with me.We appreciate and help each other like a pair of same-sex friends.Until one night late at night, your husband rushed in drunk and cried loudly in front of me.I have never seen a man cry so sadly, I have always disliked weak men, especially men who hate tears.However, that time, I found that not only did I not have any ill feeling towards your husband, but another inexplicable emotion.When he was sleeping in front of me with tears in his eyes, what I saw was the tear stains on his face and the pain on his face.Do you know how I felt at that moment? She turned suddenly and looked at me.I withdrew my misty thoughts, and was surprised to find that her beautiful face was already glistening with tears.Her voice began to become hoarse, and she was already crying. I found that there was also an uncontrollable heartache in my heart.She suppressed crying and said in a low voice, and then, the next morning, when he left me with a haggard face full of pain and left the tea house, his lonely back actually took my heart away completely .From that moment on, I knew I was in love with him. After saying this, her sobs suddenly became louder.She stood in front of the window, with the endless starry sky behind her, far away and fascinated.She is like a helpless little girl.Covering his face with his hands, he began to cry.Crystal tears kept dripping from the slits of the fingers and from the chin, and the soft body shook like a slender bamboo in the wind. As I sat there staring at the weeping woman again, a feeling of kinship continued to surge in my heart, and it became stronger and stronger: because she and I loved the same man. I stood up involuntarily and walked to her side.Because I felt that I should comfort her, I reached out subconsciously, however, I found that I didn't know which part of her body I should touch.Frustrated, I put my hand down again, and stood beside her stupidly, letting her weep without knowing what to do. There was no sound in the quiet room, only her sad crying continued to spread around, slowly drowning the drifting tea fragrance, covering it with a thick layer of sadness.I don't know how to comfort her, and I don't know how to break this atmosphere. By this time, I had nothing against her.I don't know whether I am thanking her for loving my lover, or pity her sincere love.I believe her feeling, because I have deeply experienced the unforgettable love, the helplessness of love and the pain of love. Just when I was standing next to her at a loss, she suddenly turned to me, stretched out her hand covering her eyes to me with excitement, and grabbed my hand.Her face was full of tears, her eyes were full of tears, and her lips trembled and said, Big Sister, I know I hurt you, but I really can't restrain my love.I love him!Do you believe?For the rest of my life, no complaints or regrets!She stared at a pair of blank eyes, almost cried, looked at me and said, as long as you allow!As long as you allow it!Miss! My hand was deeply pinched by her nails, a pain was transmitted from the finger to the brain, but my guilty heart felt a burst of relief.However, there is an unspeakable bitterness in my heart.I know I don't need to say anything, or do anything, or even prove anything.Only a very deep and strong loneliness rose from the bottom of my heart. When I stepped out of her tea house, I finally realized that it was the loneliness of losing my love and my lover. When I left quietly, she was still standing in that warm little room crying, and I put the divorce agreement that I prepared when I arrived at the table where I was sitting.I thought, this might be a better way to avoid hurting each other when my husband and I meet again, and it might also be the most absurd and ridiculous way. One morning three days later, my husband went to our divorce appointment on time according to my appointment.We were like a couple at a funeral, taciturn, sad, and courteous to each other.When we walked out of the office door in silence, we didn't even dare to look at each other. There is a breakup ahead, and I don't know if I should say goodbye, if I should say take care or something.He next to him also seemed to be hesitating.Someone on the less prosperous side street was paying attention to us, and a couple of middle-aged women were even pointing at us.I suddenly realized that we stood in such a place with such a sad face and told people that we were a divorced couple. I quickly turned around, turned my back to him, and said very quickly, goodbye!The voice was so small it was almost like a fly.Just as I opened my legs, I realized that my face was full of tears.I walked forward mechanically, but just as I took a step, I heard my husband's voice from behind, and so on.Then, I felt him standing next to me.I was still facing forward, not daring to turn my head to look at him. His voice came from behind, hoarse and painful, like the wailing of a stray swallow, take good care of yourself, remember, no matter when, I am still your relative! do not forget!After pausing for a minute, he said something more emphatically!However, it has choked up.Then came the sound of his leaving footsteps behind him, heavy, slow, and muffled knocking on the concrete road, which became more and more indistinct under the gusts of winter wind.My heart is beating faster with the sound of footsteps knocking farther and farther away, and getting lighter and lighter.I really want to turn my head around, take another look at my lover, and take one last look at the man who loves me infatuatedly but was deeply hurt by me, even the back view.But I was weak and just let the familiar footsteps go away step by step, because I didn't have any strength to move.I stood there feeling ossified into a leafless, barely alive tree in winter.I just realized how much I love him and miss him!I just realized how deep and deep I love him! Chinese New Year is coming soon, and I am still staying at home, living my post-divorce life and not wanting to deal with anyone.I feel like my world has become so much simpler all of a sudden.善良的丈夫最终把孩子的监护权给了我，然而却用心良苦地让女儿仍在婆婆家住着，以使我能好好调整自己。 我成了一个单身女人！在结婚十多年以后。那是一种什么感觉，你一定想象不到。我突然感到生活其实没有任何意义，活着其实是一种对时间的浪费。然后，我就变成了一具僵尸。从早上到夜晚，从夜间到清晨，从醒到睡，从睡到醒，我都是一成不变地躺在窗帘密闭的屋子里，睡觉、发呆，发呆、睡觉。没有声音，没有动静，没有情感，没有理智，没有好梦，没有恶梦，没有天，没有地，我像死人一样平静和安心。 具有讽剌意义的是，在我离婚后那段心如死灰、孤苦无依的日子里，我接的第一个电话却是一个与我一样悲伤的人告诉了一个和我的遭遇一样悲伤的消息。那是中国习俗的扫房日，腊月二十四。之所以知道那天是扫房日，是二十四，是因为那个悲伤的人打来电话的第一句话便是，今天是扫房日，你打扫房间了吗？这一句话，想必你能猜得到是谁打来的电话了。 是我的好友梁丽。她突然打来电话问我打扫房子没有。我说我不用打扫了，因为没有必要，何况我根本不爱干这个。她低沉着说，她今年也破例不打扫了，这还是她结婚十二年以来第一次偷懒。 Then, she cried.她说，她昨天离婚了。我仍然不知道用什么话安慰她，我只好说，别哭了，别哭了，我早就离婚了，比你还早呢。当我说完这句话后，我觉得自己滑稽极了。就像当年我们上大学时，家境贫寒的我在归校的路上将身上仅有的二百块钱丢了，那是我一个学期的费用。当我坐在宿舍不停地流泪难过时，梁丽来了。她知道我的情景后，用一种极其沮丧的声调安慰我说，别哭了，我比你丢得还多，我丢了二百二十块钱，还丢了妈妈刚给我买来的还未曾戴过的手表，那也是我全学期的费用。然后我就不哭了，因为我觉得我并不是最倒霉的人。 梁丽真的不哭了。我想她一定告诉自己她也不是惟一倒霉的人，她一定告诉自己有人倒霉比她还早。梁丽的电话挂断了，我也得到了安慰。就像当年丢钱的事一样，我也因为得到了她离婚的消息而感到安慰。岂止是安慰，甚至应该说是安心。如果像梁丽那样的贤妻良母都不能保住婚姻的话，那么像我这样的女人丢掉婚姻那更是顺理成章的事。那么，我还有什么难过或者悲痛的缘由呢？ 然后，有一天，我一觉醒来，突然觉得自己想通了。我告诉自己说，生活或许就是这样，人本身或许就是这样的。不是有句话叫“月有阴晴圆缺，人有悲欢离合”吗？那么生命中遭遇一次悲或者离那岂不是生命中的正常现象吗？但是，一条生命的或来或走，总得有点什么东西留下吧，或者说，总得证明自己曾经活过吧。于是，我便摇摇晃晃地从床上走了下来，然后就坐在了电脑前。我开始回忆，开始整理自己这么多年的生活碎片，然后将我的爱情和激情、眼泪和悔恨、婚姻和感情全部抒发出来，变成文字。如果问我写给谁，或者写下来为什么的话，我想我仍然只能告诉你，我是为了证明我还活着。或许就为了这一证明，我才将日夜轮回，黑白交替忘置脑后，将那些无处可说，无处可诉，无处可怨，无处可悔的经历、感情统统发泄出来，以减轻不堪一击的心的负担。 当我回忆起王真强时，我一直认为王真强在我生活中的来来去去，像上天派来的一个具有恶魔和天使双重性的人物，他使我蒙羞，使我耻辱，又给我关怀，给我极度的女性自卑。我也一直认为，从此这个人物会为自己的两度过错而永远消失在我的生活里。 然而，我的估计错了。就在这一天，离春节或许只有两天的时候，我一直没有任何动静的防盗门上突然响起了叩门声。我执着地坚守着不开门，然而，那叩门声也执着地响着，似乎在与我进行较量。终于，我打开了门，看见一个陌生的面孔。 他就是王真强最后在我生活中出现的代言人。他客气地亲手交给我一个沉甸甸的包裹，然后，让我打上收据，便急忙走了。他一边将收据收起来，一边拉开门说，他的老板——王真强在楼下等着他呢。他说他们马上离开华北，动身到南方去。 门关上后，我坐在床上好奇地打量着这个小包裹，不知道里边是什么神秘的东西。小包裹硬硬的，方方的，被包在一个白丝绸的方巾里。我慢慢打开它，发现里边还有一层白白的丝绸方巾，当这一层被揭开后，掉出一封白封皮的信，然后还有一层白丝绸方巾。我来不及打开剩下的白方巾，只是将信打开，里边是手写的信： 王真强就这样消失了，留下三万元钱。他像他的手机号突然成了空号一样失踪了，没有留下任何痕迹。