Chapter 9 Chapter VII

The "May 1st" long holiday has ended for two days, and people's emotions are still immersed in the festive atmosphere.Colleagues kept chattering about travel experiences, interesting stories, which restaurants are good and which dishes are good, how naughty the children are, how to have fun, how brave the husband is, how heavy the burden is, etc.My silent mood made several female colleagues watch and observe me curiously. When it was finally time to get off work, colleagues rushed out of the office like an arrow from the string.The ear was suddenly as calm as the surface of calm water.I've been hesitating for two days. I called my husband several times, but I didn't dare to make it.I think today I must find him and meet him.I hope he will forgive me, I still don't want to lose him because I feel like I am loving him deeply.

After dialing the number, there was a beep busy tone from the opposite side, and he was still there.Suddenly my heart jumped up, and the hand holding the phone began to weaken unnaturally.Putting down the phone, I clutched my chest, let out a long breath, and then pressed the redial button again. The phone made a long ringing sound, followed by another long ringing sound after a short pause, and the connection was made.Then a familiar voice came from the microphone. When he just said "Hello", my eyes became wet and my throat started to choke. Her husband's voice came again, please speak.

I muttered, it was me. What's the matter, did you sign it? The tone of my husband's voice suddenly seemed to freeze after a sudden drop in temperature, and the coldness soaked into the skin and bones, which immediately made me feel like I had fallen to the bottom of a well.Once again, I felt like an ugly toad at the bottom of a well, with low self-esteem and shrinking.The waywardness and savagery in front of her husband disappeared at some point.I said timidly, can you come back once. There is no need, his voice is frighteningly cold, I hope you can sign it as soon as possible.Then there is a beeping busy tone.

It seems that the husband is really determined.I sat at my desk feeling disheartened and bored.The afternoon sun is still charming and bright, and a few beams of light are reflected from the window glass, just hitting the glass plate on the table, and the shining glass plate refracts it to the opposite wall.Due to the various pieces of paper and photos pressed under the glass plate, the refracted shadows appear patchy and blurred, like the shadows cast by leaves in the sun.Occasionally, when I bowed my head at my desk, that strong light would jump across my face, and there was a dazzling light in front of my eyes, as if I was in a sea of ​​light.

I know it's time to go home, but what to do when I go home?The husband is not there, and the child is still at grandma's house and refuses to come back.I suddenly missed my child very much, so I decided to call my mother-in-law to pick her up.When I first proposed to pick up the child, my mother-in-law whispered mysteriously, let the child stay for a few more days, and let the old man have something to do, otherwise he will not go out every day... I sighed helplessly, okay.Then hung up the phone.My father-in-law is not in good health. The doctor told me to exercise more, but the old man just didn't listen. My mother-in-law found a job for my introverted father-in-law to pick up the children this time. I couldn't help but smile wryly at her trick.

But what should I do?I still don't want to go home.Because there is nothing but hopeless waiting besides loneliness.I searched my mind to find no place to go, no friend to talk to.Only in the depths of my mind, in a secret corner, I know that there is a person I have been collecting and thinking about.That is Sima Xiao, my lover.For several days, all my consciousness and all my reason prevented me from thinking about him, from looking for him, or even turning on the computer to read his letters.But I know that I never stop thinking about him. Even though I feel sorry for my husband and remorse for this relationship, I still can't stop missing him and everything about him.Thinking of this, I felt that I could no longer stay in the office. I quickly packed up my things and walked out the door, as if I was afraid that my privacy would be peeped by the office.

The house was still in turmoil.Since my husband left the house, it seems like home is no longer a home, which has put me in no mood to tidy up.The two husband’s messages and agreements on the ground were still lying quietly one by one, and I suddenly remembered something, the same thing that I have been afraid to think about, look at, or touch for a few days—the ring.My eyes couldn't help looking around, all the scenes that night were vaguely like a vague dream, and I couldn't remember where I left it in the end.I only remember my husband hitting me, I only remember the dazzling light of that beautiful ring, and the small letters written on the pink paper ball: For my eternal love, Xiao.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes, because I regretted my betrayal to my husband, but I couldn't restrain my tenderness for Sima Xiao. I kept searching, and finally at the lower level of the coffee table, I saw that exquisite little box squeezed between the two teacups silently, like a punished child who suffered all kinds of humiliation.I picked it up carefully and opened it, the little ring still released his light innocently, like a beautiful hidden lover who is still glamorous in her space. The crumpled pink paper looks like a note handed out as a child, giving people endless associations.Opening it and re-reading the line of lowercase characters, a feeling of longing for Sima Xiao made me feel tender.I picked up this little ring, thinking about whether to wear it, but finally I gave up the idea.Because these hands can only wear the ring given by her husband from the moment she married her husband.Unless my husband doesn't want me anymore, unless...

I can't keep reminding myself that I'm cheating on my husband.I still love him, and he loves me deeply, even now that I have hurt him cruelly, I believe. I slowly put away that ring, just like putting away my own hurt story, hiding her in a secret corner.Maybe one day, when my husband does get out of my life, I'll pick it up again.I thought that my careless scholar would never have thought of what pain this ring would cause me, and what inferiority it would cause me to wear on my finger.O my careless scholar!I couldn't help sighing and sighing: How are you doing now?Are you anxious because there is no news from me?Are you waiting for my letter?

I used to walk to the computer and reach for the switch, but I was hesitating in my heart.I know that once I open the mailbox, I will not be able to control myself, and my passion for him will be rekindled. If... How can God give me my husband again?I can't lose him. For so many years, he is the only person I rely on, and he is also the person I worry about the most.Without me, I don't know if he will live well?I will call him back, I will be punished, and atone for my sin. Although I repented in the reproach of my conscience over and over again, even though I prayed for atonement over and over again, I still felt a strong desire surging in my heart, especially in the face of that clumsy computer. Control your outstretched hand.Perhaps the hopeless waiting and anticipation for my husband made me feel more and more powerless. This helplessness deepened the pain of loneliness, and this deep loneliness and worry about the future of marriage made me more and more depressed. I can't hold back my miss for Sima Xiao.Just as I was sitting in front of the computer and struggling with this contradictory pain, the phone rang, and I rushed over as if waking up from a dream.I thought maybe my husband had changed his mind, but the facts immediately denied this idea.Sima Xiao's tender voice came from the phone.When I first heard that it was him, the first thought that popped into my mind was "heart-to-heart".This made me feel once again that we are destined, and tears filled my eyes for this belated fate.

I suppressed my emotions and heard his anxious words: I have finished my thesis, and I miss you very much.What happened to you?I wrote several letters, why didn't you reply?The phone is always off?His voice is getting smaller and smaller, I miss you very much, I always feel that something happened to you. He said a bunch of words, I didn't know which question to answer, I could only hold back my crying, and said briefly, I'm fine, I'm just a little busy.I heard him say it's fine.When he finally hung up, he said, don't forget to write back to me. The desire I had been suppressing finally collapsed, and I ran to the computer desperately and turned it on.During the running of the computer startup program, I actually had the feeling of meeting someone close to me.I sat there with tears in my eyes, listening to the long-lost familiar dialing sound, it seems that I have returned to those days when I met him and communicated freely with him. The sound of network connection ding dong dong floated over, and it became more and more clear.When that magical and damned network finally unfolded before my eyes, there was only one thought in my mind swelled: I want to read his letter, I want to write back to him, I want to feel him, I don't want him waiting for me I was tormented in the letter.There is a letter from him in the mailbox: I cried, and the tears ticked on the keyboard in strings, splashing groups of small drops of water.I felt sorry for him missing me when he was writing the thesis, I was moved because he wrote me a letter in the middle of the night because of missing me, and I was aggrieved that he cared about me, an ordinary middle-aged woman, at such a peak of achievement.He is so outstanding, with knowledge, status, money, and good looks. All the things that women like and admire are perfect in him. He can have young and beautiful women with these, but he treats me —A woman who is not too young and not beautiful cares so much.So the original deep feeling in my heart was added with endless gratitude. This mixed passion inspired me, confused me, and drove me crazy.There is only one strong thought in my heart: I want to write back, I want to tell him, I think he misses him, just like him! I miss you!Miss you thousands of times!I miss you in the day, I miss you in the night, I miss you in the wind, I miss you in the rain, I miss you when I open my eyes, I miss you when I close my eyes.If your tears flow into rivers, the wind outside the window can testify; if your thoughts turn into disasters, the stars in the sky can testify.If you ask me how deep I think your pain is, I'll go to heaven and earth and find God for you. If time goes back a thousand times, I still have no regrets!If time can be turned back, if I can return to the underworld, I will be willing to kneel in front of God, even if it takes a thousand or ten thousand years, even if I miss many wonderful lives, even if I suffer all the loneliness and loneliness, as long as He let me meet you as soon as possible, as long as he let me turn into a beautiful woman, just so that I can form a relationship with you in the next life, just so that I can have you without regret. I burst into tears over my sincere affection for my lover, like a snowman melting in the sun, covered in tears and weak.After I sent the letter, when my emotions gradually calmed down and my rationality returned, I knew that I was wrong again, and I was so wrong that I had no shame, no morality, and no character.I regret it hard, but I know that in the face of this crazy passion, I have no ability to control myself, let alone restrain my feelings.I am a woman without morals, because I love two men at the same time, and I have a sincere love and affection for both of them. Coming off the internet, the feeling of utter disappointment in myself overwhelmed me.I lay on my back on the spacious bed, bewildered and disheartened.I know I have once again betrayed my husband and marriage emotionally, this time just when I was looking for my husband to change his mind, and this time when I was waiting for my husband to forgive me.I felt like there was no cure for it. The phone rang again in the silent and dark room. It turned out that I hadn't turned on the light.Wiping my tears, I hurriedly turned on the light and answered the phone.It was Wang Zhenqiang. You must be alone, he said, and you haven't eaten yet. I'm surprised by his confidence. He said, I was just downstairs from your house, and I saw that the lights in your house were always turned off. He said that he was very worried about my emotions and would leave Yancheng tomorrow, and wanted to chat with me tonight.I hesitated, wondering if I should agree.He said don't be bored alone, let's go.I'm downstairs at your house.I feel that I really want someone to talk to me at this moment, and I am really afraid of being alone at this moment.But again I hesitated.As if he guessed my thoughts, he laughed, afraid that I would molest you?This reminded me of that sentence when I was in his car, and I couldn't help but feel relieved.After some twists and turns and some excuses, he agreed. Walking out of the building, I saw Wang Zhenqiang's car parked at the door of my unit.He looked like a gentleman, and when he saw me coming out, he had already opened a car door.When I got into the car, a few colleagues were coming, and they were watching me curiously.I was a little guilty, pretending not to see the car with my head down, letting my colleagues look at Wang Zhenqiang's beautiful car and take me out of their sight.Wang Zhenqiang looked at me in the mirror and said, where do you want to eat?I still say whatever.Because I really don't have any research or requirements for restaurants. Flowing through a sea of ​​lights, the whole city, under the illumination of various fixed and changing neon lights and various flowing car lights, presents a bustling and chaotic scene, which contrasts with the lonely me, which is even more miserable.Wang Zhenqiang's car finally stopped in front of a well-known restaurant in the city.We walked into the spacious and bright hotel lobby with a welcome.He took me with ease and followed the waitress into a small private room. After a brief relationship, I found that Wang Zhenqiang is a very smart man. He can deal with various situations appropriately, make friends with people appropriately, and make people's emotions follow his mobilization. I admire this more and more. .He ordered two pints of beer, and under his influence, though with some coercion, I drank nearly half of it and felt fine.Unexpectedly, I myself fell in love with drinking.This made me feel inferior again in my heart.Because I always think that eight out of ten women who drink and smoke are bad things.So I couldn't help thinking, it seems that my prejudice is not prejudice.I am the proof.I'm a bad woman at heart, partly because I like to drink, and partly because I have lovers. Thinking of this, I couldn't help but pretend to be a lady, and stopped drinking.He no longer insisted, after dinner, I will take you to a place to relax. Perhaps it was because of my drinking that I boldly followed him into a bar.All my knowledge of bars comes from literature and TV works.I've always thought it was a place to have fun not for us middle-aged women but for men.The lights in the bar are dim and hazy, permeated with some mysterious desire, bold imagination, and all kinds of uneasy commotions.In such an environment, my fearful psychology began to change, because the lights here seemed unnecessary to be afraid that someone would recognize you. I straightened my chest unconsciously, and sat in a secluded corner with Wang Zhenqiang freely. Wang Zhenqiang ordered beer, drinks and fruit plate.In this dim light, Wang Zhenqiang on the opposite side became unreal.I don't know if I am the same in Wang Zhenqiang's eyes.Everything around is so unreal, like a hazy dream.There is a crystal lamp hanging above the head. Under the dim light, the light shining from the crystal glass is like stars in the dark sky, reflecting the dark red, green and green lights on the wall, interweaving a colorful illusory world. .I refused Wang Zhenqiang's request for me to drink a drink. Sitting there, in Wang Zhenqiang's half-empty and half-real voice, drinking beer with colorful foam, I felt more and more light.I think the soul or consciousness, like a light and agile butterfly, began to float in my body and slowly rose into the air. I saw her wandering gently in the world where various lights intertwined in the air. Maybe I was originally a butterfly.I think of Zhuangzi's dream butterfly story, I said. Wang Zhenqiang was startled in the dark, but after realizing it, he laughed, maybe.So, I looked at the colorful butterfly-like soul in the colorful light and said, if I am not a butterfly, maybe I am a bee, a bird, a beast, an alien, a grain of dust, a grain of sand, etc. In my deep sleep, in my dream, I became such a creature called a human being.Maybe this dream is about to wake up, maybe I will continue to do it, but as long as I wake up, this dream is not worth mentioning, just like countless dreams in sleep.I would still be a butterfly or a bee or a bird or a beast or an alien or dust or sand.That being the case, what does it matter what you do in this life and how long you live in it?So I picked up the wine glass and said to drink, toast to the dream!In the dark, Wang Zhenqiang said yes, drink, life is just a dream.He held out his wine glass, and there was a jingle in the darkness, a very comfortable sound, and then we drank it up almost at the same time.He filled the wine glass again and said, cheers to the butterfly!Drink for the unreal world, the world in the dream is unreal, so there is no need to pursue what is right or wrong, and there is no need to ask yourself or others why, right?I thought he said it too well, so I drank it with him. Wang Zhenqiang's voice on the opposite side was faint, as if coming from a distant corner.When I looked over, Wang Zhenqiang's face was hidden in the darkness, only two points of light shone from the wings of his eyes.I suddenly had a feeling again, that feeling was the same as when I met him in the corridor for the first time-I felt that I had seen him again, or in a dream, in a previous life, somewhere.I couldn't help blurting out, I must have seen you. I saw Wang Zhenqiang on the opposite side laughing, his two rows of white teeth glowed beautifully and cleanly in the dark, where are they?dreaming?No, before I was dreaming, when I was a butterfly.I felt particularly clear-headed, and continued to imagine and talk.When I wake up, a butterfly wakes up, I will find that you are my class butterfly or colleague butterfly or sibling butterfly, maybe my parent butterfly. I raised my glass again and said, cheers to the butterflies we wake up to.I look crazy, I just want to drink, the ethereal feeling fascinates me.I drank it up again. Since I am a butterfly, since I will wake up, maybe someday I will wake up, maybe I will wake up in a while.Why should I pursue so much?What does it matter if I'm wrong?What you do in your dream is empty when you wake up, right?What if I have a lover?So what if the husband wants to divorce?Anyway, there is nothing now, right? In the dark, I can no longer see Wang Zhenqiang's expression clearly, maybe he has turned into a butterfly and woke up?I felt an impulse in my head, an unstoppable impulse.I don't care who you are, whether it's Wang Zhenqiang, a butterfly, someone I met in my previous life or a dream, what kind of person I am, what will happen if you know?A hand holding a napkin was stretched out from the opposite side, and I took it unconsciously, only then did I feel tears streaming down my mouth, salty.Others dripped down the chin.But so what?What does it matter if I cry? So what if I'm a bad woman?I drank, found a lover, and went to a bar today.I love two men, I'm a weird woman, I'm a nasty woman, right?You hate me too, don't you?You said, if you hate me, leave me immediately.I don't need any hypocritical words and company. I said do you hate me.He said, no, no.I tried to keep my eyes open to see his eyes and his expression, but I couldn't see anything.I stretched out my finger to Wang Zhenqiang in the dark, as if I wanted to feel his heart with my hand.I'm still talking, you lie, you dare not tell the truth, you are hypocritical, you don't hate such a woman?So are you a bad guy too?Only bad people sympathize with bad people. I picked up the glass again, but when I put my mouth into the glass to drink, I realized that there was no more wine in it.What about wine?I heard the other party say, drink some tea, you have drunk a lot. I'm so annoyed that people always think that other people are drinking too much.In fact, only people who drink alcohol know how much is too much.I said soberly, did you see me talking nonsense, did you see me faint, did you see me fighting and swearing?No, my brain is more organized and clearer than yours.I know what I say and what I do.Don't you want to know why I'm in a bad mood?Today I just drank some wine to give you the courage to tell you that's all, you think I drank too much.You are not me, how do you know that I drink too much.Speaking of this, I suddenly remembered a sentence from Zhuangzi, saying that you are not a fish, how do you know the joy of fish.You are not me, how do you know how drunk I am?I laughed out loud at my humor.Wang Zhenqiang on the opposite side didn't understand at all, and was silent under the dim light.I was still laughing out loud, shaking my head back and forth, tears streaming down my cheeks like a river breaking an embankment.I saw a waiter coming, bending down beside Wang Zhenqiang. They were talking about something, but I was still smiling, whatever.The waiter left with his hips twisted, and came back in a blink of an eye with his hips twisted, bringing two cups of tea.Wang Zhenqiang kept persuading me to have a sip of tea.But I saw that there was still beer in Wang Zhenqiang's glass opposite, so I stretched out my arm and lifted his glass over, and drank it down. Maybe I swallowed too quickly, the beer didn't enter the stomach as planned, but choked into the trachea.I suddenly felt that there seemed to be countless little claws tickling on the wall of the trachea, and I couldn't breathe for a while, as if I was about to suffocate, so I coughed loudly.Tears and snot came out more forcefully, and I kept wiping the napkin that Wang Zhenqiang handed over to me.My stomach churns and I feel like throwing up.Like a crazy monkey, I bent over and squeezed out from behind the chair, and when the chair was dangling beside my body, I felt like I was also falling forward as if I was top-heavy. Wang Zhenqiang rushed over to support me and straightened the chair.He dragged me to a trot and pushed me into the bathroom.I stumbled between the two women and headed for the sink.The clean sink dangled in front of my eyes, and the thick and urgent water from the faucet was constantly pouring all kinds of things into my stomach. I felt the smell of alcohol in my nose and mouth, and the food was full of acid And the sour smell of corrosion.The stomach kept rolling, as if a long hand or a long-handled spoon was digging out one by one, causing pain in the stomach. After a long time, the long-handled spoon finally wiped out the hollowed out.I started to wash my face and mouth with clean water, and a refreshing feeling slowly soaked from my face to my heart.I slowly raised my head, and saw a distressed face, with paleness, sadness, inferiority and despair written all over the face, and the eyes were empty except for tears.I closed my eyes sadly.I guess I really brought it on myself.The door of the bathroom was knocked open again, and a girl in her early twenties also rushed in covering her mouth, and I quickly got out of the way.She leaned over the sink with her entire upper body, her long hair was draped on both sides of her face, completely covering her face.She kept gurgling and gurgling all kinds of sundries from her stomach, accompanied by an ugly sound, like a crowing rooster.I was sure that was the case just now.I think.It seems that there is a collection of miseries of all sorts here, and I am not the only one. I walked out of the bathroom slowly and saw the tall figure of Wang Zhenqiang standing nearby.I walked over gratefully, and he had a calm expression, did you say something better?I nodded and followed him back to my seat. When I faced him again, I felt restless.I felt embarrassed, so I lowered my head and said sorry, do you think I'm a bad woman?He said, no, really.His voice was soft and soothing, like a piece of light music being played.Man is a complex animal, and this complexity is reflected in human emotions in a certain sense.So no matter what kind of feelings, we should understand.In fact, situations like yours are very common in the real world. There is no need to blame yourself too much. The key is to handle it properly. But, but... I raised my head and saw his eyes clearly, his face was sincere.I really don't know what to do?Things are going badly.I thought of my husband's desperate eyes again, and tears filled my eyes instantly. People's feelings always deviate at certain times, such as new passions when meeting excellent people.But if things come to the point of divorce like yours, you need to calm down and consider the status of marriage in your mind, the status of your husband in your mind, and whether your relationship with your husband is worth giving up.In fact, in this case, you must make up your mind to give up one side.But in general, people value marriage more.Unless the lover and you can have results.He spoke slowly and unhurriedly. We will have no results.I'm sobbing.Because I know that the relationship between Sima Xiao and I is purely lovers, and no matter how we develop, we will have no results.I think Sima Xiao and I both firmly believe in this point. Even if he has a dream, even if he hopes that there will be a woman like me in that dream, I believe he just thinks it can only be a dream. With tears in my eyes, I cried and said, I don't know how to give up this relationship, I love him very much, and love him deeply.I also love my husband very much, and I cannot lose him.When I uttered these words, my shame made my inferior heart shrink into a ball, and my face was getting hotter and hotter. I really hope that there is a gap in the ground that can make me disappear quickly. But you now have to make a decision, whether you want a husband or a lover.If you want a husband, you must make an effort.Listen to me, since this relationship has hurt the family and marriage you care about, then let him go. I don't know if I can do it, because to give him up is to hurt him, and I'm afraid I can't.You may not realize that every time I think of saying goodbye to him, I feel like my heart is about to burst.As I said that, I was heartbroken.My scholar, you must be writing a thesis, or writing to me, but how do you know that I am ruthless, and I am preparing to say goodbye to you.Thinking of his devotion to love, I burst into tears again. But you have to try, you have to give up.Let time heal this pain. However, there is the most important point, that is, will the husband change his mind?Can you forgive me? Also let time heal the hurt you gave him! I was convinced by him.I raised my tear-stained face, and saw Wang Zhenqiang's blurred face and blurred outline on the opposite side.Let me try it!My voice was so low that I could barely hear myself.