Chapter 13 Chapter Twelve Soul Changing

Xiaofeng will not come back. This is the ending I knew a long time ago. We are not the kind of people who can bravely face the past. If we were, we would not try each other until the end and start to separate. She is close at hand, she is the woman I love, my clothes have a fragrant fragrance, she washes them, the food smells charming, she burns them, we live in the same house, but we cannot love. She is my sister-in-law, my brother's wife—Xiao Feng. During the day, my brother and I were doing graphic design for various clients in the workshop. Whenever noon approached, my hand was blankly pressed on the mouse, and my ears were directed towards the direction of the elevator until the heels of my shoes hit the marble. The crisp sound of the corridor, rattling... from far to near.

My expression looks indifferent, but my heart has already begun to boil. The door rang, and I was the first to stand up and call her little sister. Before she married her brother, I called her sister, and it has continued to this day. In the eyes of others, I am a habit that is hard to change. No one knows how much I am. I want to happily call her Xiaofei Xiaofei... The elder brother dragged the computer chair and slid over from the computer without a sound. Their eyes collided with each other, like the sunshine in the early spring afternoon. Xiaofei always eats very little food, and then looks up, watching my brother and I eat, with a demure expression rippling on his fair face like still water.

After the meal, the old Babu's raw coffee cooked by Xiaofeng had a strong aroma. My brother always likes to hold coffee in one hand and pull the shy girl into the small lounge next to him. Then, the small lounge closed slowly towards the shutters of the workshop, as if some happiness was secretly closing to me. The computer screen saver has been started, and the picture that revolves repeatedly, like my heart, is constantly spinning, or I light a cigarette, smoke it slowly, and watch the cigarette butt burn to my finger, even if it burns my finger, a kind of sharp The pain spread into my heart.

Therefore, many times, I would rather lie on the sofa to rest than enter the small lounge. Occasionally, when my brother is away, I sneak in, and the breath inside will break my heart all of a sudden.In the small drawer at the head of the bed was a silk handkerchief that hadn't been cleaned in time, with messy but clear pink lip prints on it. In order to prevent the sound of happiness from coming out, my brother asked Xiaofei to bite the silk handkerchief. In the eyes of others, I am an introverted man of few words. In fact, I am afraid that I will reveal all the secrets as soon as I open my mouth.

Recently, at the dinner table, my brother always said, "An Jiadong, it's time for you to fall in love." I continued to eat, and my brother smiled heartily: "I'm already a man, and I'm still shy." Turning to Xiaofeng, he said, "Xiaofeng, there are suitable girls to help my brother pay attention." Xiao Feng smiled: "Do you still need to remind me?" At night, I was lying on the bed, the door was open with a faint gap, and their voices came in lightly and quietly in the quiet night. I hate the sharp hearing, and through the big living room and their closed bedroom door, I can hear my brother calling her baby and like two light cats playing some intimate games.

I pricked up my keen ears, and dug my fingers hard into the flesh of my body. The annual A-A match, as long as it is the city's home game, my brother will not miss every game, he is a fan. My brother said that watching football gallop on the green field, people become enthusiastic and cheerful with the atmosphere on the field, so when my brother goes to watch the game, he must drag me along. Whenever the race starts on weekends, my brother turns off the computer, carries me on a huge motorcycle, and rushes along Donghai Road to Yizhong Stadium. We wear huge and tight helmets, and the wind is blowing, blowing my brother’s words , I gradually realized that as soon as my voice came out, it was thrown backward by the headwind, and my brother couldn't hear it.

So I murmured tentatively: "Brother, can I love Xiaofei?" The motorcycle glides smoothly and fast, and my brother can't hear it.When secrets can be spoken out without any restraint, there is an uproar of relaxation in the release of the soul. So, I repeated in a low voice: "Brother, can I love Xiaofei? Can I love..." This feeling reminds me of a story: a person who was maddened by secrets dug a deep hole in a deserted forest, and poured his secrets into the hole that would never respond... I care about the passing wind, repeating this sentence makes me happy, and I didn't even notice that the motorcycle slowed down. Later, I saw my brother slowly turn his head, looking at my happy mouth, through the helmet glass His eyes were full of painful doubts.

Muttering, I called my brother and lowered my head, what will happen next?I can't even think about it. Almost instantly, with a loud bang, I flew up, and my brother, flying high in the air, followed the direction of my flight with his confused eyes. Like a parabola, my brother fell on the huge container wheels. The brother who was mixed with confession and despair did not shout out. I landed lightly on the side of the roadbed. The past, like smoke and dust, flew away, blurring into darkness. The sound of sobbing floated in the faint smell of Lysol water, and it was Xiaofeng. The last loud noise was still in my ears, what happened afterwards?My body shivered from the cold, and I was terrified to know.

I heard the nurse's surprised voice: "This patient seems to have regained consciousness." When the doctor came, I didn't want to open my eyes, but I couldn't control the movement of my eyes. The doctor moved my eyes and told the nurse to observe carefully. Later, a cold hand closed on my hand, exuding a delicate fragrance. It belonged to Xiaofeng. She held my hand tightly: "An Jiadong, help me bring your brother back. Please, bring your brother back." Bring it back too." My brother was hit head-on, much more severely than me. Tears kept flowing down the corners of his eyes.

Xiao acenaphthene wiped my tears with cold hands and kept wiping. For several days, the constant tears could not wash away the confession in my heart. The doctor was surprised that I was conscious but could not wake up. Over the past few days, through the conversation between the doctor and Xiaofeng, I vaguely knew that my brother's brain was severely injured, and even if he recovered, he would only be in a vegetable state. Xiaofei's voice was hoarse and he couldn't speak. I would rather be the one who became a vegetable, but the fact is that I can't help myself. I thought desperately, trying to find the best way to put together the broken heart of Xiaofei.

I said lightly in my heart: "Brother, forgive me." Then I opened my eyes with difficulty, moved my gaze slowly, and saw the fragile little acenaphthene. On the adjacent hospital bed, my brother's body was covered with transparent tubes. I looked at Xiaofei and tried to smile: "Baby Fei." Xiaofeng looked at me, with pale lips: "What did you call me?" I tried to reach out: "Baby Fei, what's wrong?" My strange behavior after waking up made all the doctors dumbfounded. I insisted repeatedly: "My name is An Jiaxia, and An Jiadong is my younger brother." Until I recovered and was discharged from the hospital, the psychiatrist completely gave up guiding treatment for me. Although such absurd things as soul swaps only happen in American movies and Hong Kong and Taiwan film and television dramas, facing me in reality, all the doctors said they were helpless . Xiaofeng was in a trance between me and my brother, because of love, she doubted but couldn't deny it. A month later, I was discharged from the hospital and went home. My brother was always peaceful. In order not to let his heart stop beating, we had to keep him in the hospital. Both Xiaofeng and I were unwilling to give up our last sliver of hope. When I got home, Xiaofeng stood in the living room, looking at me silently. She wanted to know which bedroom door I would open. Except for a slight flicker of my heart, I calmly entered her and her brother's bedroom, and like my brother, I threw myself on the bed, opened my arms and said, "Baby baby." She came over hesitantly, and slowly approached me , I pulled it over and wrapped it in my arms. Tears wet each other's clothes. This kind of lingering didn't last long, Xiaofei broke free and said in a low voice: "I'm sorry, tonight, will you go to sleep in the original bedroom?" "But this is my bedroom." Xiaofeng looked at me fixedly, pulled me up suddenly, and stood in front of the mirror: "You are An Jiadong." Then he pointed to the wedding photo on the wall: "That is An Jiaxia." "Xiaofeng, I am An Jiadong summer." "I'm sorry, even if it's true, I can't accept a strange body at once, even if it contains An Jiaxia's soul." I said: "Okay." Even if Xiaofeng doesn't mind, even if I like her, I can't touch her body, it would be too desecrating the love between her and her brother. I opened the closet: "Can I get a pajamas?" I took out the pajamas and went to my bedroom, Xiaofei followed far behind, I hid the embarrassment in my heart, changed the pajamas, and untied the top two Buttons, put them on from the head, this is how my brother changes his pajamas, Xiaofei always laughs at him for being lazy, and only opens the top two buttons, I have heard it before. Xiao Feng looked at me with a pale face, his soft eyes seemed to penetrate my body. I started to work, and we were fully responsible for the car accident. My brother who was lying in the hospital needed huge medical expenses. For me, Xiaofeng was complicated, and I always had doubts and guards. Most of the time, she was by my brother’s side. I know, In addition to expecting a miracle, she also wanted an answer that only her brother could give.After get off work, I went to the hospital to pick her up. Every time, her eyes were full of love. Even though my behavior was completely a copy of my brother's, I still couldn't get rid of the doubt in Xiaofeng's eyes. Once, when I went to the hospital, Xiaofei was not there. I looked at my brother carefully, guilt was like a tangled knife, piercing my body, and tears dripped on his hands. I said, "Brother, forgive me..." In the blurred vision, my brother's serenity remains the same.I said: "Although I like Xiaofeng, I never thought of hurting you..." Two huge teardrops rolled down from the corners of my brother's eyes. For a moment, my heart froze. I rushed out to find a doctor, as long as my brother recovers, I am willing to return to my introverted self, and I can let everyone scold me for being shameless. The doctor did a comprehensive examination of my brother's body, and the answer was the same as the original diagnosis, which filled my eyes with the hopes of my brother and me. I always go to the hospital to chat with my brother when Xiaofeng is not around, talk about some past events that touched us, and tell how Xiaofeng and I live in peace, even if he can shed a tear, at least, let me see that he is still alive. Traces of being alive. The scene that excited me never happened again. At the end of that winter, my brother stopped his passive metabolism like a tired machine. Xiaofeng and I were arguing endlessly over whether to engrave An Jiaxia or An Jiadong on the tombstone. I insisted on engraving An Jiadong because I would rather die than my brother. He still has such a wonderful life to continue. Xiaofei didn't hold me back. In front of the tombstone with An Jiadong's name engraved on it, Xiaofei threw himself into my arms for the first time, crying, his fingers stuck in my arms, and it was a sharp pain. We embraced in the lush cemetery Here, convincing yourself that this is true in a painful way. As before, we ate at the same table, gave each other a hug before going to bed, gradually got used to each other’s breathing, and then went back to our own bedroom, lying on the bed and talking across the large living room, occasionally An Jiadong’s words popped out between our words. The name is up to me, and I gradually feel that this absurd game seems real. The name An Jiadong is being stripped from my life, and I know that she is gradually falling into my director's eyes with her softer and softer tone since I was a child. in the absurdity. In order not to let Xiaofeng leave, I can only continue to perform. Although my heart is very sad, I love her, but what she loves is my brother who is in my body. At noon, Xiaofeng crossed the streets and alleys to deliver food to the workshop. The difference was that it turned into a bento. She still ate a little, then looked up at me, and her eyes became dazed. Once, after eating, Xiao Feng made a pot of coffee, holding the cup, with a shy expression on his slightly lowered face. Uncontrollably, I said, "Acebabe." Holding the coffee, I freed one hand to hold her, closed the door, screwed the shutters, I opened the drawer, took out a silk handkerchief: Shhh!She opened her red lips and took the handkerchief in her mouth, tears streaming down her face. After a familiar process, Xiaofeng firmly believed that I was the elder brother, not An Jiadong. I can't look at the beautiful little acenaphthene, repeating the prayer in my heart, she can't see it. Xiaofeng was crying all the time, and I wondered how many tears her thin and small body could shed. She curled up in my arms, I didn't know what to say, I had a faint feeling that once something was said, the secret couldn't be hidden. Xiaofei squinted at me and stretched out her smooth arms. A flash of doubt in my heart did not escape her eyes: "You like the one who dresses me one by one." I was pinching a piece of flimsy clothes, my heart was pale, which one would my brother wear for her first?I have no idea. I put clothes on Xiaofeng carefully, but her eyes were always elsewhere. She gave me a kiss and left without speaking. At night, as I come home, a ray of light leaks through the crack of my bedroom door. Pushing open the door, Xiaofeng was holding the mouse, and what was displayed on the computer screen was the wedding photo of me and Xiaofei, which I made two years ago with computer synthesis technology.I said, "...Little Acena..." Xiao Feng turned around and smiled: "Look, did An Jiadong secretly like me? The date of synthesis of this computer file is before the accident." I muttered, feeling tired suddenly. Xiaofeng is waiting for my answer. I don't know what she wants to hear. Is it because I confess that I am An Jiadong?Or insist that I am An Jiaxia? It was long and dull, without sound, the self that had been hidden for a long time was coming up little by little, I said slowly: "Yes, a long time ago, I secretly liked you, until now, I can only love you in the name of others .” Xiaofeng didn't say anything else, her fingers tapped on the keyboard, making a lonely crackling sound... I grabbed her hand as she walked past me. The cold fingers, like a tough gossamer, twitch slowly and decisively... I don't know if this love should start, or how to keep it. I could only watch her and leave with a simple suitcase. Many days later, I turned on the computer again, and saw what Xiaofeng knocked to me: "At noon, the details of the suit will tell me the answer. No matter how close you are, you can't imitate him completely... If I can accept it... ...One year later, I will come back to you." "I know that Xiaofei will not come back. This is the ending I knew a long time ago. We are not the kind of people who can bravely face the past. If we were, we would not try each other until the end and start to separate. "An Jiadong said. "I used to naively think that in this life I could give up for love and be An Jiadong again, but love is a matter between two people, and Xiaofeng doesn't need my brother in my body." Before bidding farewell to An Jiadong, he said that he could not forgive himself in this life, if he hadn't liked Xiaofeng, if he hadn't said that sentence with complacency, at least there would still be a couple of loving men and women in this world. On the way home, Jiang Zhong said: "Actually, everything An Jiadong did out of love is considered manslaughter." Becker glanced at him angrily: "I found that once something happens, you immediately connect it to a crime. He is suffering enough. Not all escapes are happiness. I think he would rather be caught and locked up several times." Years, to redeem the guilt in my heart." Jiang Zhongzhi Bei is a sentimental woman, and his professional words hit the regret in her heart for Xiaofeng and An Jiadong's faint pain. She tried her best to please her along the way, but Bei Ke refused with a cold face. Covering him with heat, Jiang Zhong knew Bei Ke's nature, so he simply stopped talking, and when her temper subsided, without coaxing, he would forget all the old grievances and talk to him with a happy face. At noon the next day, the phone rang, and Beck looked at the displayed number, and knew that it was Jiang Zhong. He always did this, and whenever the two of them got awkward, he would call back during working hours and say something casually. , even if it fits well. Bei Ke bit his lip, and laughed twice, deliberately waiting until he was about to get annoyed, then grabbed the phone and said in a sleepy voice, "What are you doing?" "Today, if you don't answer the phone, you are called a bookie. A man came to the bureau and surrendered. He must have bitten himself and murdered his wife. We can't sentence him, but, I think for your psychological column, maybe Some uses, it's a good psychological case, don't you want to take a look?" Jiang Zhong said in an extremely seductive voice. Becky responded, throwing the phone and running to Jiang Zhong. The three-weekly psychological column is not a joke, and not all outpatient psychological cases are posted on the media. Recently, there is a shortage of materials at hand. . Bei Ke then saw Gao Han, a middle-aged man who looked very elegant. He held a cigarette in his hand, but he hadn't smoked it, and he was twisting it between his fingers. Smoke dust fell on the bright red wooden floor in a rustling manner, very much like broken leaves in late autumn, falling disturbingly all over the feet. Bei Ke took a sip of water: "I'm a psychiatrist. If you don't mind, can I listen to your story, maybe it will make you feel lighter." He looked at Bei Ke with bloodshot eyes. Ke: "Indeed, I killed her." Becker smiled, expressing with encouraging eyes that he was looking forward to hearing what he said. "Yes, I killed her, with my eyes, I killed her."