Chapter 30 happiness is a lie

I'm not sure about which kind of love is more eternal, just like I've never asked about Xiaoyu's future, and I don't know if the past between me and Gelu is like a dream last night.In the world of mortals, there is always love happening, which makes hearts lose their composure one by one. Gelu took out my photo from a friend's photo album, held it, and said: Such a woman, hey!Such a woman. My friend told me on the phone, be careful of this kid Gelu, he has a lot of money, don't we need to say more? I said: "Got it." I have never met Ge Luqi, but I have heard many scandals about him, and every scandal is brightly peachy, with endless tricks.He is a photojournalist for a fashion magazine, an industry destined to be involved in gossip.

But I am unwilling to judge a person through other people's mouths. I like to use my own feelings to understand the world, just like in a hospital, I never only diagnose diseases based on the patient's description. Gelu didn't call me, but stood directly outside the outpatient clinic, and when he was about to get off work, he said Wenxi to me who had just walked out. I looked at him, a thin man, the eyes under the baseball cap stared directly at my face, I like the eyes that look straight, let me see the undisguised heart. He took out the photo and waved it in front of my eyes.I saw myself lying on the sand with my hands idly spread out, my toes covered with gravel, and my linen skirt piled up like a mess of thoughts.

I took it and put it in my bag, and then I went downstairs without saying a word. He didn't entangle me behind me and say something that would make people dizzy. To be honest, such entanglement between men and women is a thing of the past for us.I am a superstitious person, I believe in destiny. I told myself that if the right foot landed first, I would talk to him, but if it was the left foot, I would not talk about it. In the end, it was the right foot. I stood down and said Gelu to him. He smiled, the wind was blowing on the street, Gelu opened his big windbreaker, I got in, there was no process, I like the feeling of being caught in the heart at once, his eyes caught me, I don't want to escape.At dusk, he opened his black windbreaker, like a majestic big bird, capturing my heart sharply.

Walking on the road, Gelu opened the hair on my head and said that this is what you should look like.Me and my hair messed up his arms. Gelu asked if he should come to me with roses, and I laughed. In fact, roses are just the story of some shy people. Smart people like us don't need hints from them.None of us like hypocrisy. After walking on the street with Gelu for many years, he suddenly felt like a child, without any ability to survive in front of his thin body.His eyes can penetrate all my thoughts that I thought were secret at once. No questions and answers, I was wrapped around his chest, from eating to returning to his home.His so-called home is an old house of more than ten square meters, and the wooden floor creaks under his feet every step he takes.

I heard Gelu get up in the middle of the night and get busy in the small darkroom surrounded by black cloth. I got up to watch him, got in, and then I watched the photos that became clearer and clearer in the developer pool with him, and There are beautiful bodies in the photos, every body is more beautiful than mine, this is God's masterpiece.He said. I said yes, a masterpiece of God.I'm not jealous, in my mind: nudity and sex are two different things, and sex and love are different things. Gelu told me that he only had desire with other girls, but I let him ignore his body. He liked talking to me more than making love. Burnt breath, I said quit it, he said it is his freedom, I can be everyone's doctor, but not his.

I told my friend who had reminded me that I lived with Grud, that the developer made his room smell like clear glue, and that I loved his creaky wooden floors.But many people think that Gelu and I only exist in games. I was 23 years old this year, and Gelu was 27 years old, and his hair had faded so badly that he had to wear a baseball cap to various occasions every day. From the beginning to the present, Gelu never said he loved me, but on the first night, he leaned into my ear and said: Wenxi, it seems that we are already familiar with each other.Before this, I have been disappointed by too many perfect promises, so I am in favor of abandoning promises in love.

I fell in love with Gelu, he was once married, and it only lasted for a month. In just one month, he made a woman experience two completely different feelings of happiness and despair. Because of love, I don't care. I like to look at all kinds of photos crowded with him in the narrow darkroom, and see the patterns that are getting clearer and clearer.Gelu loves lying on the beach with me on a sunny day, with his hands in my arms.I am obsessed with this feeling, and I hope it will last forever, but I don't know if it will be possible. I am obsessed with the helplessness after being seen through my heart by him.I never asked about his rumors, and he never mentioned it. Except for the necessary work during the day, emotionally, we are all far-fetched people.

I learned to develop all kinds of photos in the darkroom, and the world of Gelu fascinated me.Often, when I was fiddling with the photos I took in the darkroom, Gelu would come back. He sneaked into the darkroom with his arms lightly around his waist and his breath rising and falling in his hair. Those moments were my happiness. One night, I told Gelu that I had an operation this Sunday.Greg said yes.He suddenly said sadly, Wen Xi, with you, I was suddenly afraid of being lonely.I got into his large coat and didn't come out for a long time. I heard his beating heartbeat, and I covered it with my hand, Gelu, tell me you love me.

Greg was silent.Did I say you don't love me? Gelu said he loves you, Wenxi.His heartbeat fluttered a little.Lightly tapped on my finger, I got out, and there was boundless fear on his face. I went back early on Sunday, Gelu was not at home, opened the door, and then, in a familiar environment, I sniffed his breath, went into the darkroom, saw some negatives that were not fully developed, I stood by the developing tank, Stir one by one with my fingers, I like to watch them move from chaos to clarity.It is a group of fashion photography. Then, I saw a girl, and I saw her eyes became clearer and clearer. Unlike other models, she looked at the camera with eyes full of affection, which is a big taboo in fashion photography.Greg tolerated it.That kind of eyes, for Gelu, I have ever had, the most familiar expression of love, was used by another girl to express to the same man.

There is a reason for this, I know Gelu too well. Then I saw another picture: Grue's hands around the girl's chest, his eyes hidden in her hair, baseball cap on one side.Shot with automatic shutter. Gelu once said to me that he didn't think about other girls after being with me.But I know that Gelu never hides his desire for the girls he associates with once he starts, and implements it very quickly. I know Gru will be back soon and he won't over-develop the picture.Then, I sat on the bed and looked at a pack of cigarettes beside the bed. I was worried that it would harm Gelu's body.I smoked one, the bitter taste made me sick, but I just wanted to torture myself with the painful taste, I was thinking: Will Gelu feel distressed when he sees me like this when he comes back?

Gelu came back, he looked at me sitting on the bed smoking a cigarette, no surprise, he waved his hand and said: Aren't you a doctor, why are you smoking? As Gelu said, he quickly went into the darkroom to look at the photos. He could see that I had touched those photos. He hung them on the folder one by one. My heart aches, falling a little bit. When Gelu came out, I had already lit my third cigarette, and the room was filled with a dry smell. I looked at him with unruly eyes.Gelu snatched the cigarette from my hand, threw it on the ground, and crushed it with his feet.He hugged me: Wenxi, you always scare me, I'm afraid of love. I lay on his shoulders, tears streaming down my face.Gelu didn't explain anything to me. In fact, if he explained, I would accept all his unjustifiable lies, because I love him.And he wouldn't even give me a lie.Our sorrow comes from being too clever, and the love that can be seen at a glance is always frightening. I sat silently on the edge of the bed, in tears, I recalled the time I spent with Gelu, it was full of small plots, they broke my heart little by little, even, we didn’t have much language to use Memories, but I recall his every look that can penetrate my heart.Ge Lu cleaned the floor over and over again, dejected and sad. That night, we were walking on the street in silence, and Gelu said Wenxi, I was leaving. I didn't say a word, one of my hands desperately grasped the fingers of my other hand. Gelu said that my greatest wish is to travel the frontiers of China and take photos. I said you don't want to ask me if I want you to go? Gelu said nothing. In the end, I only said one word, Gelu, tell me, do you want me to wait for you to come back? Gelu said how about we eat shabu-shabu? He avoided my questioning.I should know that when he decided to leave, he gave up on me. Originally, I wanted to ask him how long it would take to finish the frontier, but at this moment, it was unnecessary.In fact, love is the simplest and childish game in the eyes of others, but I am just a small pawn who is trapped in it and cannot see the way to go. On the chessboard of love, I let the burning passion deduce the process in full swing. That day, instead of eating shabu-shabu, I left Gelu alone on the street. I was very tired. I was a person who didn’t believe in advice. This was my Achilles’ heel. Still thinking about how desolate it must be for Gelu standing alone on the street. Loving someone means forgetting all your pains, throwing your broken heart on the cold street, and using what you have left. A little body temperature to warm his body, although he dismissed it. Then, I never saw Gelu again, and for many days, I thought of him in my dreams, and the pillow was wet with tears. In the days without Gelu, I am obsessed with cigarettes. The bitter taste reminds me of Gelu, and the burnt smell of cigarettes on his gentle lips. The days without Gelu are long.When I miss him, I go to the beach, lie there and miss his hand, warmly hugged in my arms, and the transparent glue on his body and the burnt smell of cigarettes.When I missed Gelu, I met a racing boy. He drove a Honda 1400 at a high speed and passed by me. The sand and dust that he raised covered my dress, and I didn’t move.His car stopped in the distance, he came over, lay on my face, and said: Are you okay?I brushed off the dust from my body and walked aimlessly alone, and he followed behind.I go home, he is still behind, I am very tired. His car roared beside him, he said come up, I'll see you off. I didn't bother to talk to anyone, he followed all the way downstairs, and in the morning, I saw him again, the racing boy, following him all the way to the hospital gate.After get off work, at the gate of the hospital, he straddled one leg on the luxurious Honda car, and persistently said to me, come up, I will see you off. A woman who is no longer young, followed by a slow speeding boy, became a street scene for a while. Winter is coming, I decided that if there is no news of Gelu this month, I will block all the memories about him, and in the end, I am the one who is disappointed.The last time, I sat on the beach, the sea breeze in the early winter was very cold, I smoked to keep warm, and I missed Gelu's silent lips and piercing eyes. The young man followed from a distance, sat aside and watched quietly, he said you look like Sanmao.I just laughed and said: My Jose is gone. He was as silent as I was, until the moon shone brightly on the vast sea. That day, I got on his drag racing car, with my arms around his strong waist, and I said go faster, I heard the wind whistling past my ears, and in the dangerous gallop, the past was vividly left behind . He is Xiao Yu, a 22-year-old boy who has been drifting after graduating from university, and his family does not need him to make money to support the family.He said that my lonely silence captured him, and Xiao Yu, who was doing nothing, was as lonely as me. Xiaoyu is a silent child, he likes to see me smoking a cigarette standing in front of the window, and he is learning how to make dumplings, because I love to eat.He likes to say a thousand times a day: Love you Wenxi, love you Wenxi.A completely different man from Gelu. The first time I kissed him he cried, and I've learned not to cry, to kiss him, just to miss Gelu's madness with nowhere to go, and he won't know.He cried and asked me: Wenxi, you haven't told me whether you love me or not? I said this is what I often ask myself, because I don't know it myself. When I'm free, I like to sit in Xiaoyu's car and listen to the wind whizzing past my ears.Passing by familiar places, I heard my heart breaking, I heard the wooden floor creaking, and Gelu's silent eyes pierced my body. More than once, sitting in the car, I wanted to cry so much, but there were no tears in my eyes. One night, I told Xiaoyu that the princess and prince in fairy tales will always live a happy life, but your princess will not be me. I told Xiaoyu that I am not happy when I am with you, and you will not be happy either. Young love and happiness are far away. The boy Xiaoyu stood in the porch, he looked at me, the sadness in his eyes made me feel ashamed, everything started and ended like a dream without ending. Boy Xiaoyu said: Take a photo with me.I said yes, took out the camera, set it up on the porch, and in the viewfinder, I saw: My Gelu, standing in the dim blue of the night, behind the light rain, I ran over, opened my arms, I said Gelu, and then burst into tears. Gelu hugged me, and I felt that all this, all this was unreal. Boy Xiaoyu stood behind us.Is your Jose back?he asks. For a long time, my eyes passed over Gelu's shoulders, and the porch was empty.I heard the crazy roar of racing cars, going away a little bit in the night sky. That night, I wanted to melt into Gelu's arms, and I wanted to be a drop of water in the ocean he once was.But, that night, I got farther and farther away from him, Ge Lu said he loved me, I asked him, is this an eternal promise?He didn't answer, I know, we are all people who can't grasp the passion, this is the natural enemy and sorrow of love. I thought of Xiao Yu, who rolled out dumpling wrappers for me by holding a beer bottle in his clumsy hands. On this night, the bottomless innocence in his eyes was my trap. Gelu's silence reminds me of Xiao Yu's love is like the roar of his racing car. And I'm not sure about which kind of love is more eternal, just like I've never asked about Xiaoyu's future, and I don't know if the future between me and Gelu is like a dream last night.In the world of mortals, there is always love happening, which makes hearts lose their composure one by one.