Chapter 38 Thirty-five Declaration of Independence

Andre: What you said yesterday was this: "MM, the tone and way you talk to me, you still treat me like a fourteen-year-old child. You can't understand that I am a twenty-one-year-old adult. You give me enough freedom , yes, but you know what? you give and you feel like it's your 'empowerment' or 'giving', you don't feel like it's my birthright! yes, that's your mentality Ah. That is to say, you still can’t understand until today: your son is not your son, he is an 'other' who is completely independent of you!" Andre, at that moment, it was like a scene in a classic movie. As the son, he made a firm declaration of independence to his mother. Otherwise, the mother who played the role was trembling with anger and slapped his son on the face. On the night, the son showed a stunned expression, and then rushed away angrily, or else, the mother was stunned, and then tears flowed down her cheeks, the originally majestic and majestic mother suddenly collapsed and cried miserably.

I can't deal with this situation, Andre, for example, if you are standing on the beach, suddenly a wave is as high as the sky, and you just watch it jump, you don't know where to hide, anyway, you will be caught lying on your stomach knock down. What you don't understand is that your Declaration of Independence is not just America's Declaration of Independence against Britain, which is, after all, a struggle within the same culture; France declared independence, it was Cuba that challenged Spain, it was Gandhi who said "no" to Britain. You have no idea how most Asian mothers treat their children.

Can't you remember your math tutor in Hong Kong?He is a doctoral student, and before he agreed to come to work, he also said that he would call back to Beijing to ask his parents if they agreed with him to be a tutor.Can't you remember Xiaorui who was a junior?She went to Taipei to have dinner with her friends, and after that she called her mother to ask her if she could take a taxi home, but the mother on the phone said that taxis were dangerous and she had to take a bus.Do you remember Ah Fen, a sophomore?Holding the course selection list of the summer creative camp, it is nerve-wracking, wondering if her mother will allow her to choose the courses she really wants.

These, are typical shots; I am not that kind of mother. But at the same time, I also saw my 21-year-old daughter walking arm in arm with her mother intimately, and saw my 18-year-old son sitting beside his mother very "obediently" and accompanying his mother to visit friends, chatting and laughing with his mother. Honestly, Andrei, I'm so envious. However, I dare not ask for it, because, I also feel that a person who has just grown up is too close to his mother and is too "good", which probably means that his own personality independence is not complete.I long to maintain the childhood intimacy with you, but know that this is an impossible fantasy.I'm actually a very atypical Asian mother and have been taking the "lessons" you and Philip gave me seriously.

Philip and I lived in Hong Kong for two years, from the age of fourteen to sixteen.He was very interested in the topics of conversation between me and my friends.For example, when talking about Chinese issues with reporters from mainland China, or talking about the international situation with American reporters, at the age of 15, he would listen attentively, ask questions, and talk about his own views. One day, a group of friends had just left, and he said, "Mom, have you noticed a feature of your Chinese friends?" I said no.He said, "That is, when they are going to ask me a question, their eyes are on you, and, standing in front of me, they refer to me as 'he' in the third person."

Ah? I didn't actually understand what he meant, but we went on to do an experiment. Just watch what your friends do next time they come over.The result was this: Professor A came in, and I introduced: "This is Professor A of the Chinese Department, and this is my son Philip." They shook hands.Then, Professor A asked me, "What a handsome boy. Can he speak Chinese?" I said, "Yes, well said." Professor A asked, "How old is he?" He looked at me. I said, "Fifteen." Professor A said, "What grade is he in?" He looked at me. I said, "Ask him." Then Professor A turned to look at Philip.But without saying a few words, he turned back, "How many languages ​​does he know?"

Philip looked at me with a smirk on the sidelines. After this experiment happened, I also became sensitive.Do you remember that when you first arrived in Hong Kong, you fell ill, and I accompanied you to see a doctor.The two of us went in together, you sat opposite the doctor, and I stood beside him.The doctor glanced at you, then raised his head and asked me, "What's wrong with him?" I quickly said, "Please ask him." At that time, you were twenty years old. Sixteen-year-old Philip, after we have done many experiments, once made such an observation and induction, he said: "Mom, I think the difference is that Europeans look at age. For example, in German schools, you As long as they are fourteen years old, the teacher will use "you" to address students. However, Chinese people do not look at age, but seniority. No matter how old you are, as long as you stand beside your mother or father, you are a "child" ’, you have no identity, no voice, and you are not the object of his speech. Therefore, he will stare at your mother or father and ask questions, and let the 'adult' speak for you."

When Philip made this induction, Andrei, my famous social observer, was really stupid. After that, even if the child standing next to my friend was only as tall as a soy sauce bottle, I would bend down to talk to him. Philip gave me another "shock class" in Kenting.a bunch of us, Including grandma, uncles and cousins, several cars arrived at the coast of Kenting.Everyone sat in the breezy coastal coffee seat and watched the sea.After a while, I heard my aunt ask her college daughter Mimi, "Do you want to go to the bathroom?" I also wanted to go to the bathroom, so when I got up, I asked Philip, "Do you want to go to the bathroom?"

Your brother looked up at me from an English magazine and said, "Mom, don't you know if I need to go to the toilet? Do you need Mom to ask?" Oh, here we go again.I ignored him and went on my own.After he came back, he still didn't let me go, he said, "Mom, Mimi is twenty years old, why does her mother ask her if she can go to the toilet?" Ah? "First, isn't this kind of question asked only for three-year-olds? Second, don't you think it's a very, very personal thing to go to the bathroom? Excuse me, would you ask your friends 'to Don't go to the bathroom'?"

I began to think, well, if I came to the coast to drink coffee with poet Yang Ze, historian Zhu Xueqin, supplement editor-in-chief Ma Jiahui, and novelist Wang Anyi, would I ask them by the way when I was going to the bathroom: "Yang Ze, Zhu Xueqin, Ma Jiahui, Wang Anyi, do you want to go to the bathroom?" Philip looked at my uncertain expression and said, "How?" I reluctantly replied, "No." He chased after the victory, "Okay, then why do you ask me if I can go to the bathroom? Are you afraid that I will pee in my pants?" The contradiction between us, Andre, I think it is not only between two generations, but more, it may be between two cultures.

I often feel that the two of you brothers are in an intellectual duel and value tug-of-war with me.For example, when your Chinese tutor came to your home, I saw you sitting down and preparing for class; I called you aside and said to you, "Andrei, although your tutor is only a few years older than you, you still have to be careful. Etiquette: Serve him a cup of tea and ask him to sit down first. When he leaves, you have to send the passenger to the elevator.” You obviously think it’s too polite, but you still do it. I also remember, for example, when my good friend Professor Chen Wanying who lived next door came to the house, you saw her come in, said "Hi" to her, and then sat on the chair and read the newspaper.I said, "No, no matter how familiar she is, she is still your professor. In Chinese etiquette, you have to stand up." You also accepted it. There are many valuable exchanges between us, not to mention, the traditional etiquette in Germany is not necessarily less than that in China, and the importance of parent-child relationship in European society is not necessarily less than that of Asians, right? However, what happened yesterday still made it difficult for me to digest, and I still felt depressed in my heart after a night. You and Philip came to Shanghai for a summer internship, and I happily arranged my research itinerary to come to Shanghai.A happy imagination of being a mother: mother and son live in one room in one room, how happy they are.Let me guide you to know mainland China, what a pleasure. How could I have thought that your happy imagination is just the opposite of mine. You said, "I finally have my own independent space, why do I have to live with my mother? Besides, if I go to work in a certain city in the future, will all mothers follow me?" Eighteen-year-old Philip, who just landed from Germany, with innocent eyes on his 184cm body, said earnestly, "I don't want you to take my hand to get to know mainland China—because you know everything , everything is well arranged, but how can the real world be like this. I want to discover mainland China by myself.” I heard my pitiful voice say, "Don't you even want to play with me for a weekend? Qingdao? Suzhou? Hangzhou?" You all said in unison without blinking your eyes, "Mom, can you understand: we want our own Go out and explore by yourself?" Andre, I feel completely lost in the face of your "European values".However, after thinking about it, are you both trying to resist certain "Asian values" in your mother and feel "a little tired"? Last night, I went for a walk alone.Walking from Xingguo Road lined with phoenix trees to Huaihai Middle Road, the moon is bright yellow and thick, and the broad leaves of phoenix trees are very beautiful.I walked for a full hour, and then I called a car to the residence of the two of you on Liyuan Road, and saw the clothes and socks you washed by yourself scattered on the sofa.I thought, "No, I can't help you clean up your house." In the dark night, Philip took me to the main road for a ride.He endured a deep hug from me, and then strode to the other side of the road. MM