Chapter 6 The third letter: success, self-confidence, happiness

introduction The story of the "Third Letter" has to start from the spring of 2004.I was giving a speech in Beijing at that time, and a student named Gu Changchao from Tsinghua University approached me and said, "Dr. Kaifu, I have read your first two letters to Chinese students carefully, and they are of great educational significance to Chinese students. , thank you sincerely! But I think these two letters can’t cover the problems faced by most Chinese students—in fact, what most students need most is not the leap from good to great, but how to get out of confusion and re-establish A guide to confidence!" I deeply agree with Gu Changchao's point of view and ask him to provide some more specific suggestions.Gu Changchao gave me the example of Ma Jiajue, and specially sent me a large number of relevant reports on the Ma Jiajue incident that he collected himself.

Almost at the same time, a female reporter named Li Chun from "China Youth" magazine interviewed me.After the interview, we once again discussed the impact of the Ma Jiajue incident on the younger generation in China.I told her at the time that school murders like this happen in the United States as well.She immediately retorted: "The backgrounds of China and the United States are different. The so-called 'campus killers' in the United States are usually violent, but Ma Jiajue is different. He is more like a person who has gradually lost his way in an environment that he is not familiar with or cannot adapt to." , and are confused because of helplessness, and go to extremes because of confusion. There are many people who are in this state of confusion, and they most need the help of Teacher Kaifu.”

Hearing that two young friends were extremely concerned about Ma Jiajue's case, I began to read the articles provided to me by Gu Changchao.After reading it, my heart could not be calm for a long time.For several days in a row, I have been thinking: "What is the force that pushed Ma Jiajue to a dead end? What psychological problems are hidden behind such extreme choices? These problems have a profound impact on today's college students. What is the reference point?" I gradually cleared up my thinking, and gradually realized that there are still many students who are psychologically confused and helpless in Chinese campuses. I should do my best to point them in the right direction.I decided to write "The Third Letter to Chinese Students" based on this, telling students how to get rid of self-pity and move towards self-confidence, happiness and success.

In order to better help students, during the writing process, I specially asked my sister Li Kaimin, who has decades of experience in social work and psychological counseling, to help me revise the manuscript.Because the topics to be discussed in this letter are of far-reaching significance and have a great impact, I have devoted a lot of energy in writing. I have repeatedly deliberated on every topic, every argument, and even every word and sentence, lest my personal Negligence affects the students' understanding of the meaning of the text.It can be said that this is an article written with all my heart and soul.

The article was first sent to the editor of China Youth Daily.At that time, China Youth Daily was planning a major revision.Anyone who is familiar with media operations knows that the first issue of a newspaper after a revision is almost always occupied by exclusive reports and reports on major themes.But when the leaders of the newspaper office read my article, they resolutely decided to set up a full page in the first issue of the newspaper after the revision, and publish my article in full.In order to better play the educational role of this letter, the newspaper made an exception and printed tens of thousands more copies.Subsequently, this article was published or reproduced in many media such as "China Youth" magazine.

It is almost difficult to use words to describe the huge waves caused by "The Third Letter" among young Chinese students!In fact, as soon as the article was published, the mailbox of the "China Youth Daily" newspaper received a flood of letters from all over the country, and I myself received four to five hundred letters from readers within two days. There are tens of thousands of comments.Some students expressed their encouragement and gratitude: "I sincerely feel that your writing is very good, especially your heartfelt concern, expectations and help for young people in the motherland!" Some students opened up their inner world : "When I read this letter, I felt as if I had been peeled off layer by layer, and my inner thoughts and conditions were clearly visible. Because, now I have unclear goals, dull interests, doing things I don't like, and being unsuccessful. , unhappy, unable to be confident...it is exactly what you describe in your letter." There are also sincere words from the parents of the students: "collect it to my daughter, thank you Dr. Kaifu! You are so good! You have benefited a lot. Many! Although I am not a student, not only do I want to watch it, but I also want to show it to my next generation.”

I do my best to respond to students and parents who send emails.But my own time is limited, and I cannot communicate with more students alone.At this time, I suddenly thought that if there is a website where the letters from readers and my replies are posted, it will help more students.Soon, "Kaifu Student Network" was officially launched.Since then, countless young students have shared my conversations with others on the "Kaifu Student Network", discussing learning methods, and exchanging ideas about success. "Kaifu Student Network" best embodies my relentless pursuit of helping Chinese students and "maximizing influence" - how meaningful it is to be able to reach and encourage more Chinese students through the Internet or other channels thing!

Previously, my many exchanges with Chinese students were all about how to achieve excellence and excellence, and how to become a leader.Recently, in the chat rooms of Sina.com and in the many emails I received, I found that what more Chinese students need to know is not how to go from good to great, but how to go from confusion to positive, from failure to success, from low self-esteem From melancholy to joy, from fear to optimism. An extreme example is the Ma Jiajue incident at Yunnan University in February 2004.Ma Jiajue brutally killed four of his classmates.But judging from the content of Ma Jiajue's conversation with psychologists after his arrest, he should not be an evil person, but a child who lost his way, lacked self-confidence, and had a closed personality.Like many college students, he is eager to know how to be successful, confident and happy.

I am writing this letter to those students who yearn for success but feel that success is out of reach, who yearn for self-confidence but always feel sorry for themselves, who yearn for happiness but do not know what happiness is.I hope this letter can bring readers a new definition of success, and encourage readers to know and affirm themselves and be a happy person.I also hope that this letter can help readers understand that success, self-confidence, and happiness are a virtuous circle: you can get confidence and happiness from success, you can get happiness and success from self-confidence, and you can get success and self-confidence from happiness.

Success is being the best version of yourself American writer William Faulkner said: "Don't try your best to compete with your peers. What you should care about is that you are better than you are now." There is a common problem in Chinese society, that is, everyone is expected to develop according to the same model, and the "success" of everyone is also measured by a unified standard: in school, they look at their grades, and in society, they look at their fame and fortune.Especially in today's China, people's pursuit of wealth is the first to bear the brunt. In all walks of life, the evaluation of a person's success is more based on personal wealth as an indicator.But can you contribute to society with the best grades?Is fame and fortune guaranteed to be happy?

Real success should be diversified.Success may be that you have created new wealth or technology, it may be that you have brought happiness to others, it may be that you have gained the trust of others in your workplace, or it may be that you have found a life that returns to yourself and does not contend with the world Way.Everyone's success is unique.Therefore, Ling Zhijun's important conclusion in his book "Growth" is "become the best version of yourself".That is to say, success is not about comparing yourself with others, but about understanding yourself, discovering your own goals and interests, striving for progress, and making every day better than yesterday. The first step to success: Grasp the goal of life and be an active person In the Sina chat room, when a netizen asked me what my goal in life is, I answered this way: "You only live once, and I think the most important thing is to have the greatest impact, to be able to help yourself and your family , help the country, help the world, and help future generations, can make their lives better and more efficient, and can bring them happiness and happiness.” I don’t need to think at all when answering this question, because I have been studying since my second year in college. Since the first grade, I have regarded "influence" as my goal in life. For me, life goals are not a slogan, but my best think tank, which has helped me solve problems in work and life many times.I gave up my job in the United States and came to China alone to establish Microsoft China Research Institute, because I felt that the latter work had greater influence and was more in line with my life goals.In addition, when I received letters from confused students and wrote them back, I would also think: "How to make the reply more influential?" I have published three "Letters to Chinese Students" successively. It's all born that way. Ma Jiajue also realized his purpose in life, but it was a pity that he only realized it after he was arrested after the crime.He said: "Sister, let me tell you the truth now. The biggest problem with me as a person is what I think the meaning of life is for?... After this incident, at this moment, I understand, I Wrong. In fact, the meaning of life lies in the true love in the world.” If Ma Jiajue had realized his life goals a few months earlier, he would have asked himself before he did something stupid, what would his parents and sister full of true feelings think about this matter?In this way, he may not go astray. Therefore, whether it is for true love, for influence, or for happiness, family, morality, tranquility, seeking knowledge, innovation... Once you have determined your life goals, you can decisively make life decisions under the guidance of life goals like me. major decisions.Everyone's life goals are unique.Most importantly, you have to take the initiative to grasp your own life goals.But you must not be too hasty, let alone arbitrarily set your own goals in pursuit of the so-called "noble" or in order to imitate others. So, how do you find your purpose?Many students asked me what their goals should be?I can't answer because there is only one person who can tell you what your purpose in life is, and that person is yourself.There's only one place you'll find your purpose, and that's within you. I suggest you close your eyes and record the first ideal that comes to your mind, because the answer without thinking is the most sincere.Or, you can also look back. Are there some commonalities in your happiest and most fulfilling times?They are likely to be the most motivating life goals for you.Furthermore, you can also imagine what kind of environment you will be in when you reach the perfect state of life fifteen years later?what's your job?What is the happiest thing in it?Of course, you might as well talk to your relatives and friends and listen to their opinions. The second step to success: Try new fields and discover your interests In order to be the best version of yourself, the most important thing is to reach your full potential and pursue the things that interest you and your passion the most.When you are interested in a certain field, you will think about it when you walk, take a class, or take a shower, and you will be more likely to succeed in that field.Furthermore, if you have a passion for this field, you may forget to eat and sleep about it, and even jump when you think of an idea while sleeping.At this time, you are no longer working for success, but for "enjoyment".There is no doubt that you will be successful from here on. Relatively speaking, doing things that you are not interested in will only get twice the result with half the effort, and may accomplish nothing.Even if you can do it well with aptitude or talent, you definitely haven't unleashed your full potential.Therefore, I don't agree with every student chasing the most popular major. I think that everyone should understand their own interests, passions and abilities (that is, "self-consciousness" in emotional intelligence), and work hard in the field they love. Realize your full potential. Bill Gates once said: "When you wake up every morning, you will be thrilled by the development and improvement that technological progress brings to human life." interests and passions. In 1977, Bill Gates gave up his mathematics major because of his love for software.If he stays at Harvard to continue studying mathematics and become a professor of mathematics, can you imagine to what extent his potential will be suppressed? In 2002, after Bill Gates led Microsoft for 25 years, he resolutely handed over the job of CEO to Ballmer, because only in this way can he devote himself to his favorite job-as chief software architect, Focus on software technology innovation.While Bill Gates was an excellent CEO, when he changed to chief software architect, he made a significant contribution to the company's technical direction, and more importantly, he was more passionate and happier , which also boosted the morale of all employees. Warren Buffett, a good friend of Bill Gates and America's best investor, also recognizes the importance of passion.When students asked him for directions, he always replied: "I am no different from you. If you must find a difference, it may be that I have the opportunity to do my favorite job every day. If you want me to give you advice , this is the best advice I can give you." Another revelation that Bill Gates and Warren Buffett gave us is that what they love is not vulgar, unified fame and fortune, but their fame and fortune are brought about by their ideals and passion.A well-known American school of economics and management once conducted a survey and found that although most students want to pursue fame and fortune when they enter school, 90% of the alumni with the most fame and wealth are chasing ideals rather than fame and wealth when they enter school people. When I first entered college, I wanted to work in law or politics.After more than a year, I found that I had no interest in it, and my academic performance was only in the middle.But I fell in love with computers and programmed crazily every day, which soon attracted the attention of teachers and classmates.Finally, on the day of my sophomore year, I made a major decision: to give up the credits I had completed in the top three Columbia University law departments in the United States more than a year ago, and transfer to Columbia University's obscure computer department.I told myself that life is only once, and it should not be wasted in areas without happiness and sense of accomplishment.At that time, some friends also told me that changing majors would cost a lot, but I told them that doing a job without passion would pay a greater price.On that day, my heart was full of enthusiasm and my spirits were uplifted. I promised myself that I would get an A in every subject in the three years after college.If it weren't for that day's decision, I wouldn't have the achievements in the computer field today, and I might just be an unsuccessful and unhappy lawyer in a small town in the United States. Even so, my passion for the profession is far from my father's.I grew up thinking that my father was a serious person. It wasn't until last year when I met two of my father's favorite students (who are now professors) that I realized how much my father loved his work.His students told me: "Teacher Li always smiles when he sees us. He often discusses in our favorite restaurants to make us like our subjects more. He spends far more time and money on us than he does. A meager income.” My father found his passion—teaching—at the age of 70, after a career in the army, politics, and writing.After his death, the students found two words in his drawer that he encouraged himself: "Old Niu knows that the sunset is short, so he doesn't need to raise his whip." own favorite. So, how do you find interests and passions?First, you have to separate your interests from your talents.Doing what you are talented in is easy to produce results, but don't think it is your interest just because you are doing well.In order to find real interest and passion, you can ask yourself: For something, are you eager to repeat it, and can you complete it happily and successfully?Have you always yearned for it in the past?Is it always easy to learn it?Does it always satisfy you?Do you love it from your heart (not just from your head)?Is the happiest thing in your life related to it?When you ask yourself this way, be careful not to incorporate your parents' expectations, society's values, and the influence of friends into your answers. If you can answer the above questions clearly, you are in luck, because most students spend their four years in college groping or regretting.If you still haven't found the answers to these questions, then I have only one suggestion: give yourself the most opportunities to be exposed to the most choices.I remember when I first entered Carnegie Mellon's doctoral class, the school had a mechanism that allowed students to choose teachers.During the first month, every teacher tried his best to attract students.Because of this mechanism, I was lucky enough to meet my mentor, Professor Ruidi, who chose my doctoral topic "Speech Recognition".Although not all schools have such a mechanism, you can learn about different schools, majors, topics and teachers by yourself, and then choose your interests from them.You can also find hobbies and hobbies through libraries, the Internet, lectures, community activities, friends exchanges, e-mail, etc. And only by trying can you find your favorite.Only by touching you can you try, only by trying can you find your favorite. My colleague Zhang Yaqin once said: "Those who dare to try must be smart people. They will not lose, because even if they fail, they can learn from it. Therefore, only those who dare not try are absolutely The loser.” I hope that all students will try their best to broaden their horizons, not only to learn from it, but also to find their own interests. The third step to success: aiming at interests, setting staged goals, and advancing step by step Once you have found your interest, the next step is to formulate specific phased goals and move towards your ideal step by step. First of all, you should objectively evaluate what is far from your interests and ideals?Need to take a class, read a book, be a more gregarious person, control your temper, or become a better speaker?How will being the best version of yourself in fifteen years be different from who you are today?Or something else?You should do your best to bridge these gaps.For example, when I decided that my purpose in life was to maximize my impact, I found that my most lacking skills were presentation and communication skills.I used to be a student who would blush when talking to people and fear when speaking on stage.When I was a teaching assistant, my performance was so bad that my students even nicknamed me "Kaifu Theater".Therefore, in order to achieve my ideals, I set myself several specific goals to improve my presentation and communication skills. Secondly, you should set phased and specific goals, and then give full play to the traditional Chinese virtues-diligence, improvement and perseverance, and strive to complete the goals.For example, I asked myself to give speeches twice a month, and each time I asked my classmates or friends to attend and give me feedback.I promised myself that I would never rehearse three times and never give a speech on stage.I ask myself to listen to speeches every month and ask good speakers for advice.There was a speaker who taught me a few ways to overcome my fear, he said, if you look into the eyes of the audience and get nervous, you can look at the top of the audience's head and the audience will still think you are looking at their face, besides, the hands It is better not to hold the paper but to make a fist, so that the shaking hand will not attract the attention of the audience.When I practiced my speech skills repeatedly, I discovered many secrets myself, such as: I can perform better when I express myself through storytelling without scripts, so I still prepare speeches but only use them in rehearsals; I find that my ability to answer questions exceeds my ability to speak, so I usually ask for more time to answer questions; I find that I can't speak well on things that I am not interested in, so I no longer promise to speak on topics that I am not interested in .A few years later, people around me praised me for my good speech, and some even thought that I was a born good speaker. In fact, I just practiced the traditional Chinese virtues of hard work, improvement and perseverance. Any goal must be a practical and measurable goal, not just a slogan or empty words that stay in the mind.The purpose of setting goals is to make progress, and you can’t know if you’re making progress without measuring it.Therefore, you must simplify abstract, unrealizable, and unmeasurable big goals into practical, measurable small goals.For example, a few years ago, I had a goal to expand my network in the company, but the goals of "knowing more people" or "increasing influence" were not measurable and implementable, and I needed to find a practical , measurable goals.So, I asked myself to "have dinner with an influential person every week, and ask this person to introduce another influential person to me during the meal."The standard to measure this goal is "have a meal with one person every week, and get to know one person after the meal".Of course, I won't be satisfied with these basic "indicators".The purpose of expanding the network is to make the job more successful, so I will also measure how much information I get from the "meal of the week" and how many people my department employs know in this network.A year later, I did see a significant increase in my network by these metrics. Knowing your capabilities is essential when setting specific goals.It is unrealistic to set goals too high, but it is also not possible to set goals too low.Make timely adjustments to the goals: if you exceed your expectations, you can raise your expectations; if you fail to meet your expectations, you can lower your expectations.After achieving a goal, you can set more challenging goals; when you fail, you must accept it calmly and carefully summarize the lessons. Finally, remind the students again that the goals belong to you, and only you know what you need.Set the most appropriate goals, take the initiative to improve yourself, and objectively measure the progress during the improvement process, so that you can succeed and become a better version of yourself. Confidence is self-awareness rather than arrogance Confident people dare to try new fields, can develop their interests and talents faster, and are more likely to succeed.A confident person is also happier because he is not constantly worrying and guarding against failure. Many people think that self-confidence is success.A student won the first place in old age, and he has self-confidence.An employee is always promoted, and he also gains self-confidence.But that's just one-dimensional success and one-dimensional self-confidence. In fact, self-confidence is not necessarily a good thing.Self-confidence without self-consciousness will become arrogance, and it will lose the respect and trust of others.Good self-confidence is conscious, that is, it is very clear what you can and cannot do.When a self-conscious person is confident, he has a very high probability of success; when a self-conscious person is not confident, he can still try hard, but he will tell others the risks frankly.Self-conscious people do not need to rely on success to enhance self-confidence, nor will they lose self-confidence due to failure. The first step of self-confidence: don't underestimate yourself, give yourself more encouragement The key to "self-confidence" lies in yourself.If you always think that you are not good enough, you will not be able to gain self-confidence.For example, Ma Jiajue once said: "I feel that I am a failure, and my classmates look down on me... Many people are more experienced than me, which makes me feel inferior." Although Ma Jiajue is very smart and excellent, he has never really had self-confidence. The secret to self-confidence is believing that you are capable.An ancient Chinese proverb: "I am born to be useful", "A piece of grass, a little dew", everyone has their own characteristics and strengths, which are worth paying attention to and developing.I remember when I first arrived in the United States at the age of 11, I couldn’t understand a sentence in English in class. Once the teacher asked, “What is 1/7 converted into decimals?” Although I don’t understand English, I can recognize “1/7” on the blackboard , This is what I have "recited" before.I immediately raised my hand and answered the question correctly.The American teacher who can't "endorse" was surprised that I was a "mathematical genius", and sent me to participate in the mathematics competition, and encouraged me to join the mathematics summer camp to help my classmates learn mathematics.Her encouragement and the recognition of her classmates gave me confidence.I started telling myself that I have a talent for math.At this time, I especially want to learn English well, because only in this way can I learn more mathematics knowledge.This kind of education not only improved my self-confidence, but also helped me make great progress in all aspects. Chinese-style education believes that human growth is a process of constantly overcoming shortcomings, so teachers are more critical of students and let students make up for the worst subjects.Although every subject should be learned "good enough", the value of talents lies in giving full play to their best strengths.Gallup recently published a best-selling book "Now, Discover Your Strengths".Gallup researchers found that most people tried to "change their shortcomings and hope to turn them into advantages" in the process of growing up, but they encountered more difficulties and pains; The secret of successful people is to "strengthen your strengths and manage your weaknesses". "Managing one's own shortcomings" is to do well enough in the shortcomings, and "strengthening one's own strengths" is to spend most of your energy on the things you are interested in, so as to gain incomparable self-confidence. There are many examples of self-confidence in Ling Zhijun's "Growth" book: Zhang Hongjiang, the dean of Microsoft Asia Academy of Engineering, said that he "believed that I was the smartest. Even though I was often inferior to others in the later days, I still Say to yourself: I can do better than others”; Zhou Ming, the chief researcher of Microsoft Research Asia, brushed 108 bottles in “student labor” when he was a child, breaking the record and gaining self-confidence.He said: "I used to have no self-confidence, but this incident gave me confidence. This is the happiest experience in my life, exuding a fascinating power, which continues to this day. I discovered the genius The whole secret is actually only 6 words: don't underestimate yourself." Confidence is a feeling, you can't "learn" self-confidence by memorizing, and the only way to improve self-confidence by "learning" is to "train" your brain with examples.To gain confidence, you have to be your own best cheerleader. Before you go to bed every night, think about what happened today that you are proud of?Did you get good grades?Have you helped others?Did anything exceed your expectations?Did anyone compliment you?I believe that everyone can find a successful thing every day, and you will slowly find that these "small successes" may become more and more meaningful. There is a famous coach who always asks the players to recall their most proud game before each game.He even asked the players to associate their favorite game with an action (such as clenching their fists), so that every time they do this action, they will subconsciously think of the proud thing, and then repeat this action before each game To "train" the brain, improve self-confidence. I hope that the students can become their own best cheerleaders, and at the same time make more friends who cheer you up, reminisce about past successes more, and never underestimate yourself. The second step of self-confidence: use perseverance and courage to gain self-confidence from success and increase self-consciousness from failure When you feel confident, no matter how small the success, you will especially expect to be affirmed by yourself or others again. At this time, you need to have enough perseverance.As long as you have perseverance, you will be like what Zhou Ming said, "As long as I am willing to do anything, I can do it well. You can learn anything you want to learn. It is not a question of whether you can learn it, but you Whether you want to learn or not. If you have a strong desire for what you have, you will have a kind of perseverance, especially when you are an ordinary person." Sometimes, you may not have done a certain thing and don't know if it can be done.At this time, in addition to perseverance, you also need courage.I used to have no problems with general communication at work, but when I was in front of the president, I was always afraid to speak for fear of saying the wrong thing.Until one day, the company was going to reorganize, and the president called a meeting of more than ten people, and he asked everyone to take turns to speak.I thought at the time that since I must speak, it is better to speak out what is in my heart.So, I plucked up the courage to say: "In our company, employees have higher IQs than anyone else, but our efficiency is worse than anyone else, because we reorganize all day long, regardless of employees' feelings and ideas..." After I finished speaking , The entire conference room was silent.After the meeting, many colleagues emailed me and said, "You are really good, I hope I have your courage to say the same." As a result, the president not only accepted my suggestion, but also changed the company's policy on reorganization. Also quote me often.Since then, I am full of confidence and I am not afraid to speak in front of anyone.This example fully confirms the saying "If you haven't tried it, how do you know you can't". While having the courage to try new things, you must also have the courage to face failure.We can't just do things that are doomed to fail with the courage of ordinary people.But when you are afraid of failure, think about it, what are you afraid of losing?What's the worst possible outcome?Can't you accept it?In the example above, if the president disagrees with me, will he disrespect me?Not only will I not, others will probably think that I am brave.Moreover, conscious people will learn from failure, realize that they are not suitable for what to do, and then improve their self-consciousness.Therefore, don't be afraid of failure, as long as you try your best and are willing to challenge your limits, you should be proud of your courage. A confident and self-conscious person, if he can bravely try new things and has the perseverance to do it well, he will gain self-confidence from success and increase self-consciousness from failure. The third step of self-confidence: Consciously set specific goals and listen to the evaluation of others with an open mind Cultivating self-confidence also requires setting specific goals and moving forward step by step.These goals must also be measurable.I once told my daughter the example of me speaking in front of the president because her teacher thought she was shy and didn't raise her hand to speak at school, and I wanted to encourage her to speak up.She agreed to give it a try, but felt she would only speak up when the time was right, when she had the best opinion.However, I think with the subjective assessment of "best opinion", the goal is difficult to measure.So, I set a measurable and practical goal with her: She raises her hand once a day, and if she persists for a month, she will be rewarded.Then, we slowly increased the number of hands raised.A year later, the teacher noticed that she was confident enough to speak in class. Self-confidence is by no means self-paranoid, not allowing yourself to make mistakes, or being too self-centered and losing your objective position.I have a very smart colleague who has recognized the "truth" of "I will never be wrong" all his life.He acts so confident that when he proves that something is true, he reminds everyone that he said it months ago.But because he almost lives for self-confidence, once it is proved that a certain sentence of his is wrong, he will talk about him, or deny it at all.Although he was right 95 percent of the time, getting 5 percent wrong cost him his credibility and the respect of others.This example tells us that arrogant self-confidence or unconscious self-confidence is even more dangerous than lack of self-confidence. There are two levels of self-awareness in EQ: being able to understand both oneself and the environment, and grasping the subjective and objective situation.Conscious people do not criticize themselves excessively, nor are they naively optimistic. They can evaluate themselves objectively.Therefore, they will face the limits of their abilities honestly, and will not easily accept jobs beyond their abilities.Of course, they are still willing to accept the challenge, but they will do an objective risk assessment when accepting the challenge.Such a person is honest not only with himself, but also with others.Facing failure honestly will gain the trust of others, because they know that you have learned the lesson.Being honest about your own shortcomings will also gain the respect of others, because they know that you will not be overwhelmed.Therefore, self-conscious people are easy to succeed and self-confident. Self-conscious people not only evaluate themselves fairly, but also actively ask people around them to give them criticism and feedback.They understand that although they are self-conscious, others see themselves as more important.On the one hand, the self in the eyes of others is more objective, on the other hand, the self in the eyes of others is the real self ("Perception is reality"), that is to say, if others think you are wrong, only you think you are not. If you are wrong, then in the eyes of society, school or company, you are wrong.Therefore, you must understand and accept other people's ideas with an open mind, and take other people's ideas as the ultimate goal.For example, my daughter can evaluate her speech every day, but in the end, only when the teachers and classmates think she is a cheerful and thoughtful student, can she reach her ultimate goal. It's not easy to get honest feedback, especially negative feedback.所以，你最好能有一些勇敢坦诚的知心好友，他们愿意在私下对你说真心话。当然，你不能对负面的反馈有任何不满，否则你以后就听不到真心话了。除了私下的反馈外，在美国的公司里，还有一种“360度”意见调查，可以对员工的上司、下属同时做多方面的调查。因为这种调查是匿名的，它往往能获得真实的意见，如果很多人都说你在某方面仍须改进，这样的说法就比自己的或老板的看法更有说服力。虽然在学校里没有这种正式的调查，但是你仍然可以尽力地去理解他人对你的想法。我的父亲常教诲我们凡事谋之于众，就是指开放心胸，切勿以井观天，局限了自己的视野。 马加爵说：“同学都看不起我。”其实，如果他有勇气向他信任的同学求证，他也许会发现自己错怪了同学，也许会发现交错了朋友，也许会证实同学确实看不起他并了解其中的原因，然后自我改进。坦诚的交流和真心的朋友或许都可以帮助马加爵避免悲剧的发生。 有自觉的人会为自己制定现实的目标，客观地衡量自己，并会请他人帮助评估。这样的人能持续提升自己的自信，并能避免自信发展为自傲。 快乐比成功更重要 科学研究证明：心情好的人最能发挥潜力；快乐能提高效率、创造力和正确决策的概率；快乐的人有开明的思想，愿意帮助别人。但与其说快乐带来成功，还不如说成功的目的是带来快乐。我曾建议同学们追逐自己的理想和兴趣，其实做自己理想的、有兴趣的事情就是一种快乐。所以，快乐比成功更应成为我们的最终目标。 快乐的第一步：接受你的父母、环境、自己 不快乐的人总对一些无奈的事生闷气，不喜欢自己、父母和老师，不愿意读枯燥的书、不愿意应付考试。对于这些无奈的事，我希望同学们能学会坦然地接受它们。 在所有“不能改变的事情” 中，最不能改变的是父母，最应接受的也是父母。有不少学生说：“父母不理解我，不接受我，不体会我的想法，总要求我用他们的价值观和理念来做事、读书、求学。所以我总是避开他们，越来越孤独。”对这些同学，我的回答包括以下两个方面： 第一，你应该接受你的父母，千万不要因为感觉父母不理解你而自我封闭。父母的成长环境不同，思维方式不同，他们对成功的定义可能也不同，对你的期望与你对自己的期望就有较大的差异。但他们人生的路走得比你长，经验比你丰富，你不能先入为主地排斥他们。另外，你必须理解，父母是世界上最爱你的人，他们也是唯一可以无条件为你付出的人，你应该无条件地接受你的父母。作子女的经常把父母亲过度理想化，而疏忽了绝大多数的父母，在他们生长的环境中，比我们更为匮乏、不足，他们可能没有机会学习如何当一个称职的父母，但以他们的条件，也尽力了。如果我们鄙视、排斥父母，无异是对自己生命的来源不敬，那如何能快乐？ 第二，你可以试着去改变父母的想法，但你首先应反问，你理解和接受你的父母吗？你能体会父母的想法吗？当你抱怨父母总是期望你完美时，难道你不也是在期望父母完美吗？凌志军建议说：“父母对你们的期望没有错，只是你们应该让父母了解，你们对他们的期望。”所以，在要求他们理解你之前，你应先去理解他们，这样才能更成功地和他们沟通。相互了解后，也许你们仍有不同意见但能彼此谅解，也许你或他们会改变原来的看法而达到共识。为此，你首先应和父母建立一个坦诚的沟通关系。也许起初你们会觉得别扭，但我相信你们很快就会体会到亲情与温馨。 除了接受父母，你还应接受环境中不能改变的事情。有些同学期望着不必考他们认为没用的题目，不必上他们认为没用的课，不必听他们不信任的老师讲课。但在社会中生存，我们必须学会接受那些不能改变的事。凌志军说：“如果我遇到'应该做的事情'和'喜欢做的事情'之间的冲突，我会给自己安排一个时间表，每天在规定的时间里完成'应该做的事情'——时间表能激励你集中精力并提高效率。然后去做'喜欢做的事情'。”人生是有限的，大家应把有限的时间用在“喜欢做的事情”上，但必须先把“应该做的事情”做得足够好。 最无谓的“发愁”就是对自己不满意。这不但浪费了时间，而且会造成事倍功半。所以，同学们一方面要培养自己的自信，以每一个小的成功来激励自己，另一方面也必须能接受自己，理解你们是为自己而生活的。为自己而生活就是要为了自己的快乐、兴趣和人生目标而努力，不要活在别人的价值观里。微软亚洲研究院院长沈向洋小时候一直活在别人的价值观里，为了“第一名”拼命，但是有一天，“我忽然意识到原来的想法错了。打败别人，得第一名，不是最重要的。最重要的是，你能不能学会尊重你自己，能不能发现自己的价值在哪里。” 当你开始为自己而生活，接受并喜欢你自己，接受并接近你的父母，接受环境中不能改变的事情，你就会发现你开始快乐了。 快乐的第二步：宣泄你的情感，控制你的脾气 心理学家认为，马加爵“在精神上一直是孤独的，因为他总不愿与人交流，不愿说出自己真实的感受……是一个情绪反应相当激烈的人，但是他外表上又是一个相当压抑的人。”马加爵给亲人的信上也写道：“我这个人动情的话历来就讲不出口。”如果马加爵能直接地宣泄自己的感情，他也许可以防止悲剧发生。事后马加爵也想到：“逃亡的时候觉得自己傻，可以选择吵架就算了，没有必要杀人。” 中国人总认为矜持、含蓄是美德。但我认为，在今天的时代里，直截了当的沟通更为重要。拐弯抹角、言不由衷、瞻前顾后、当面不说、背后乱讲都是坏习惯。有一位中国老板和他的下属吵架，他问我是不是该请第三者调解，我给他的建议是：因为这是情感的事情，你应该直接去和下属沟通；第三者为了做和事佬，可能会说出违背你或你的下属意愿的话（例如谎称你已经认错，但其实你没有），这反而会造成更多的麻烦。 当然，在情感问题上，直接沟通也需要技巧。例如，那位老板如果第一句话就对下属说：“你错了，但是我不和你计较。”那么下属肯定会反感。如果老板说：“你在那么多人面前骂我，很显然是你想抢我的工作。”结果就更不堪设想。显然，当你直接沟通时，不要论对错，不要猜测别人的动机，更不要再趁机补一句。最有效的沟通就是直接谈到你的感情，比如那位老板可以说：“当你在那么多人面前骂我时，我感到失去尊严，非常为难。”这样一句话是不能反驳的，甚至可能会引发理解和同情。 当你怒火中烧时，把愤怒的话转变成感性的话并不容易。要做到这一点，我们又需要依靠“自觉”和“自控”。自觉不只是认识自己的能力，更是认识自己的感情。自觉的人知道自己何时会喜怒哀乐，也理解喜怒哀乐的宣泄会造成何种后果。如果他感到气愤，他不会瞬间爆炸，因为他知道爆炸的后果，但他也不会压抑自己的感情，因为那会对心灵造成很大的伤害，他通常会尽量自控地用最有建设性的方式处理。正面、感性的沟通可以降低火爆的气氛。感情和沟通都是最有感染性的，你完全可以用有建设性的、宽容的态度来与他人沟通并影响他人。 自控是一种内心的自我对话，可以提醒自己不要落入恶劣态度的陷阱。除了上溯的理智分析外，深呼吸是最快、最简单的情绪调节方法，中国人说：“心浮气躁”、“心神不宁”、“心乱如麻”、“心焦如焚”，指的都是心情紊乱和情绪及精神状态的关系，而“气定神闲”、“心安理得”最方便的作法就是深呼吸，也就藉由调气调息，把气调顺了，比较能摆脱情绪的牵扯，回到理性思考。美国对有暴力行为的加害人，都会施以团体教育，而教导他们认清暴力的毁灭性，学习控制自己的冲动，也就是懂得“叫停”或“离开现场”，以保护自己和对方的安全，避免铸成大错。 如果认为自控不容易，那么，你可以请你的知心好友随时提醒你。我过去的一个老板常常一生气就一发不可收拾，而且他生气都有前兆：他会先用刁钻的问题考倒你，然后他开始战抖，最后他才发脾气。但他想改掉这个毛病，于是他要求我在每次看到前兆时，用一句“密语”（如“让我们言归正传吧”）来提醒他。几次“密语”提醒之后，他就有了自觉和自控的能力，再也不需要别人提醒了。 快乐的第三步：有人分享快乐加倍，有人分担痛苦减半 科学研究告诉我们，调节自己的心情最好的方法就是找到知心的人倾诉和沟通。科学的根据是，感情源于人脑的lymbic系统，而该系统主要靠与他人的接触调节。科学证明，在一起交谈的两个人会慢慢达到同样的心理状态（喜怒哀乐）和生理状态（体温、心跳等）。因此，若想达到感情的平衡，我们必须懂得依靠别人。与人沟通是提升你的情商和快乐的唯一方法。与世隔绝的人只会越来越苦闷。西方有一古谚：“有人分享快乐加倍，有人分担痛苦减半。”马加爵所谓的真情，应该就是指能分享心情、内心的人吧！ 所以，如果你情绪不好，或受了委屈时，应多向父母、朋友倾诉，不要像马加爵那样总把话闷在心里，只对日记倾诉。马加爵很苦闷，却没有倾诉苦闷的渠道。他说：“我在学校一个朋友也没有，我在学校那么落魄……在各种孤独中间，人最怕精神上的孤独。”马加爵在人际交往中碰到很多障碍，这些障碍带给他苦闷，而这些苦闷又没有渠道宣泄，进而造成更大的苦闷。这个恶性循环最终导致了悲剧的发生。其实，马加爵的内心独白，证明他是一个有自觉的人，他能看清自己的困境，可惜他将自己锁在自我封闭的牢笼里，让仇恨把他带向毁灭。记得去年，非典风波，最恐怖的威胁就是被隔离，可是平日里我们却常忽略了心里的孤立，使我们和快乐绝缘。 要得到快乐，你需要幽默、乐观的想法和沟通。在所有的沟通中，“笑”的感染力是最大的。耶鲁大学的研究发现，“笑”的感染力超过了所有其他感情，人们总会反射式地以微笑来回报你的微笑，而开怀的大笑更能迅速创造一个轻松的气氛，此外，幽默的笑也能促进相互信任，激发灵感。乐观、正面思考的力量是无穷的。近年来忧郁症已成为全世界来势汹汹的心理疾病，而其和负面思考有极大的关系，有些人习惯钻牛角尖，往悲观无助的方向想，困在死胡同中。如果能换个角度，半杯水有一半满的而非一半空的！现在的不如意，代表有无限成长进步的空间。学习检查自己，常保正念。 无论是驱逐悲伤或是获取快乐，我们都需要从倾诉和沟通中得到正面的激励。最自然的沟通对象可能是你的亲人，特别是你的父母。我相信，所有的父母都愿意听孩子的倾诉。 但是，“在家靠父母，出外靠朋友”，所以我们也需要和知心朋友沟通、倾诉。交朋友时不要只看朋友的嗜好和个性，更重要的是，你需要一些会鼓励人的、乐观的、幽默的、诚恳的、有同理心的、乐于助人的、愿意听人诉说的朋友。也许你会说：“我没有这样的朋友，也不敢去乱找朋友，如果别人拒绝怎么办？”如果别人拒绝你，你没有失去任何东西，但如果别人接受你，你可能因此找到你自己。 我希望你也会在寻找好友的过程中，也让自己成为这样一个会鼓励人的、乐观的、幽默的、诚恳的、有同理心的、乐于助人的、愿意听人诉说的人，并尽力去帮助你周围的亲人和朋友。唯有更多人愿意付出，快乐才能更迅速地通过人际网扩散。 给中国学生的祝福 我一直信奉以下做事的三原则：有勇气来改变可以改变的事情，有度量接受不可改变的事情，有智慧来分辨两者的不同。 祝福中国的学生，当你碰到挫折时，能用这三个原则，以度量、勇气、智慧来帮助你渡过难关。 祝福中国的学生，当你追求成功、自信、快乐时，不要忘了成功是多元化的，不要忘了自信是自觉而非自傲，不要忘了快乐的人总能理解、接受和喜欢自己。 祝福中国的学生，当你逐步获得成功、自信、快乐时，会发现一个良性循环：从成功里得到自信和快乐，从自信里得到快乐和成功，从快乐里得到成功和自信。 祝福中国的学生，当你拥有成功、自信、快乐后，不要忘了帮助他人获得成功、自信和快乐。 附：李开复的茫然瞬间 （本文是《中国青年》杂志记者李纯采写的一篇与《给中国学生的第三封信》相关的小故事，李纯也是直接促使我写这封信的两个人之一。） 采访微软全球副总裁李开复之前，对他的故事早已耳熟能详：天资聪颖，初中学完高中课程，高中即可攻读大学课程，几乎没费什么力气地考入了卡内基梅隆——美国最棒的大学之一，攻读计算机专业的博士。 求学期间，他叫上另一个年轻人，尝试用统计学方法来从事“语音识别”的研究，这一全新的研究方法使得语音系统的识别率达到96％，时至今日，它依然是全世界这一领域的研究基础。 ……读他的精彩华章，不由得好生郁闷，造物主真是偏心眼，造出这般聪慧绝顶的天才，映照出我侪的人生，何其平庸苍白。 天才果然是天生的吗？ 且慢，有一个值得书写的细节。采访时，震惊中国的马加爵案爆发未久，记者问道：“你知道马加爵吗？你一直强调'情商与智商'，如何看待马加爵事件？” 我以为李开复会像国内的一些专家一样，雄辩滔滔，引经据典，他的反应让人意外，那是一副茫然的表情：“马加爵是谁？我不知道啊。”记者讲清此案的来龙去脉之后，他还是老老实实地回答：“这件事很特别吗？美国每天都有关于暴力事件的报道，每次我来中国，也会听到类似的事件，前几年不是还有大学生泼熊吗？” 不知道就是不知道，李开复答得坦诚。 故事还没完呢，一个月后，再次登陆李开复的中国学生网站，记者惊奇地发现，他写下了《给中国学生的第三封信》，这封信情真意长，鞭辟入里，写下了由“马加爵”事件引发的思考，并告诉年轻人，“成功”不是拥有名声财富，更重要的是“做独一无二的、快乐的自己”。 一个月前，李开复对“马加爵”还一无所知啊，谁也不知道他认了真，留了心，闷声不响地“做起了功课”。他完全可以视作过眼云烟，每天包围他的技术的、商业的……都是一流而棘手的问题。从最初的“茫然”到“思考”到“奋笔疾书”，“认真”已经成了李开复的思维方式与习惯。 这也许正是天才何以成为天才的原因。