Chapter 17 old man, old man

"Why are you living so old? Sixty years old is enough." ——Most of the people who said this were young people. My grandfather is ninety-three years old this year. When he was young, he had a strong temper, but when he was old, he became a slow temper.Nothing is in a hurry.Hold a cup of tea every day, read a newspaper, or lean on a stick with both hands, lower your eyebrows and close your eyes, and meditate, really like an old fairy.He has grown new teeth recently, and everyone says he's rejuvenated.But I clearly remember that when he was in his eighties, he had a serious illness and was bedridden.When I went to visit him, he stood up with difficulty, held my hand tightly with a pair of bony hands, tears fell from his eyes, and seemed to say to me, and seemed to be talking to himself: "I want to live, I want to live. Live!" That expression was like that of a lost toddler, flustered, lonely and helpless, and full of fear in his heart.At that moment, I suddenly understood how deep-rooted human beings' nostalgia for life and fear of death are.Anyone who talks lightly about life and death, unless he has experienced the test of death, is rash and unreliable.

Some people say that the coming of old age is scary because it is so close to death that there is no way out.It is also said that what is more terrible than physical death is the trouble of being unable to do what one wants and the depression of being no longer needed. Spiritual emptiness and loneliness are tantamount to chronic suicide.Young people don't want to ask for trouble, and they don't want to think about troubles after the age of sixty, even though the average life expectancy in China has reached about seventy years old. But time doesn't care about us.It moves forward unhurriedly, allowing each of us to finally taste its power.It will also lead China into the next century of aging people.If old age is fundamentally worrying and troublesome, won't our country of more than one billion people become an unhappy crowd?

Some people hope to provide economic security for the elderly in terms of pensions, and some call for the establishment of systematic services for the elderly in medical care.I believe that society bears an inescapable responsibility, but the mental health of the elderly is the key to their happiness. Almost all the elderly people I know are open-minded and optimistic, such as my grandmother.At the age of eighty-five this year, she is still seeing and hearing. She goes to the market every day to buy vegetables, cleans the house, and takes care of her nearly ninety-year-old grandfather, as if she is not old enough.Her motto is: "People have to work, and their hearts have to be relaxed." She lost her father when she was young, and her family was so poor that they could only eat broad beans.She spent the whole night with her mother under the dim oil lamp cleaning the soles of shoes, barely eking out a living.When she was young, she and her grandfather came to Shanghai from their hometown in Shaoxing, Zhejiang Province. They managed the family diligently and thriftly, supported a small hardware store, and gradually became prosperous.There have been more than a dozen poor relatives who have come to seek refuge in the family, and some have lived there for several years.She treats everyone equally and has sponsored many children of distant relatives to start families and start businesses. During the "Cultural Revolution", she and her grandfather were classified as "capitalists" and their family business was confiscated.The savings of a lifetime are wiped out.Her pension was also cancelled, and her family was very difficult for a while.It turned out that some relatives and friends who had received favor from her returned kindness with grudges.I never heard of anyone she hated.She said: "Do more good deeds, and feel at ease." After the "Cultural Revolution", the government returned several thousand yuan. Of course, this is not worth the property that was confiscated back then, but she waved her hand and said, "Things outside the body are nothing special." , we rely on our own labor for food all our lives. Now the government has restored my pension and labor insurance, so that’s all I need.” Although she has no formal education, in my opinion, she is very grateful for the words “Don’t forget about your kindness, The comprehension of "don't forget to benefit" is far higher than that of many "intellectuals".

A simple "satisfaction" isn't the whole secret to a happy old age.The cultivation of virtue and the tempering of wisdom represent the active side of old age. Cicero, a famous orator in ancient Rome, once described the way of old age in detail with his friends.He said: "Anyone who cannot live a good and happy life on their own will trouble them no matter what age; anyone who strives to find all kinds of good things from himself will not be disturbed by everything that is necessarily produced by the laws of nature." They find it repulsive. Old age is the first of these things. People wish to live to old age and complain of its coming. Stupidity makes man so capricious!" Someone said to Cicero at that time: "You It is because you are both famous and rich that you are so free with the coming of old age." Cicero replied: "It is true. In extreme poverty, wise people can do nothing; but stupid people, even Even if you give him a lot of money, he will still feel bored."

I have seen generals who have spent their entire lives in the army, unable to bear the life of serving flowers and raising grass in their later years, and have been dejected all day long in the past of gold and iron horses, and vertical and horizontal things; I have also seen old gatekeepers who lived an ordinary life In the midst of being busy, in the delivery of letters and newspapers, I enjoy myself and know everything about the changes in the world.One's spiritual sustenance cannot be evaluated and weighed by secular achievements or failures! One of the topics selected for "Yang Lan's Sight" is the life of the elderly in the United States.To this end, I interviewed the "Anlejia" nursing home on Staten Island outside New York City.This is a public welfare nursing home. The standard for admission is to have obtained a green card for more than three years, and personal savings are less than 1,000 US dollars. More than 60% of the residents there are elderly Chinese.Their board and lodging in the nursing home are borne by the U.S. government, and each of them can receive more than 100 U.S. dollars a month in pocket money.It was about ten o'clock in the morning when I walked into this nursing home.The sun shines through the large glass windows into the activity hall on the first floor, which is the main place for the activities of the elderly.On the sofas by the window, there are old people sitting in twos and threes, muttering words, or sitting in a daze, ignoring each other, not interested in our camera, and not even raising their eyelids.Ms. Yang, who accompanied us, explained that most of these elderly people suffer from dementia or mild mental illness, but they have not completely lost their ability to take care of themselves.They could sit here all day if not reminded by the medical staff.On the other side of the hall, there are a few big tables surrounded by some old people who are making handicrafts with materials such as wool and colored cloth, such as bags and so on.They exchanged a few words with each other now and then, but very quietly.I saw one of the seventy-year-old women, who did handwork skillfully, so I went up to chat.Her surname is Cai, she is from Hongkou District, Shanghai, and she has been a housewife all her life.Her husband passed away more than ten years ago, and now she has two daughters working in Shanghai, and one son who has started a family in New York.She came to the United States a few years ago and lived with her son, daughter-in-law, and grandson at first, but now she lives alone in a nursing home, and her children and grandchildren sometimes do not see each other for a month.

"Miss them?" I asked.She was silent.After a while, without looking up, he said, "No, what do you want them to do?!" "Did you ever think about living in a nursing home before you came to America?" She shook her head. "Do you want to go back to Shanghai?" She shook her head again and said, "I have nowhere to live when I go back." "Where are the girls?" "Why mention them? I don't want them. I don't want to." Tears welled up in the corners of the old man's eyes. The reporter's instinct prompted me to ask more questions, but I didn't, because that would obviously touch her sad things, and hurt a heart that had been slightly comforted in the colored wool.And once it hurts, how can I comfort it?The details behind her tears I can't understand, and I would rather not know.When she was about to set foot on a foreign land, she must have been very excited, right?Her old sisters in Shanghai should be very envious of her, right?She crossed the Pacific Ocean, and the happy old age she pursued should be quite different from the current situation, right?Children used to be her life's career and sustenance, but now she is poor and unable to speak, so weaving time and time into handbags is the most meaningful thing she can do, right?

I got up silently and left, and saw those elderly patients sitting obediently on the sofa, one or two of them were concentrating on grabbing the dust dancing in the light with their hands.Compared with Mrs. Cai, they seemed much happier. On the afternoon of the interview with this nursing home, I met an American old man named David in a barber shop not far from where I lived.At that time, the barber Joseph was tying a scarf for him, and said to him in the mirror: "David, you are getting more and more energetic now, wait for me to shave you beautifully, and make you more handsome than when you were young."

"Forget it, my hair was much denser when I was young than it is now. By the way, I haven't settled with you yet. In the past two years, my hair has become less and less. Why haven't you seen you reduce the price?" Everyone in the room laughed, and I kept an eye on this funny old man.With his gray hair, red face, straight waist, and abundant confidence, he is really a spirited old man.The topic of the old man's life has been lingering in my mind, so I decided to interview him immediately. He readily agreed, but said that he was on a date at the time, so it would be better to meet in the garden in the middle of the street in the evening, which is where he must go for his daily walks—it turns out that we are still neighbors.

When he appeared in the garden as promised, he had already led two brown poodles in his hands. He waved to me from afar, pointed to the flower buds on the tree happily and said: "Spring in New York is finally here. I thought It's going to play tricks this year." We chattered about.The old man is nearly eighty years old this year.He was born on a farm in the middle of the United States, three generations, a large group of children. "It's been a mess all day, and no one can complete a sentence," he laughs.Later, he didn't want to live an ordinary farm life, so he came to New York alone.He worked as a waiter in a restaurant, a clerk in a grocery store, and finally, unwilling to be lonely, he went to acting school and became an actor.He mentioned the names of several movies, but I have never heard of them. I thought this would embarrass the old man, so I quickly added: "I have only been in the United States for two years. I haven't seen many old movies."

He didn't mind, and said: "Let's not talk about you, even the Americans have long forgotten these movies. I only played small roles at that time, and I can't even remember it myself. Otherwise, if I sit here today, wouldn't there be Did a lot of people come around to get my autograph?" He paused, blinked his eyes proudly, and continued, "However, what I'm most proud of is: In such a fiercely competitive showbiz, I have always had a job. , I have never worried my wife and children. My wife is beautiful, but unfortunately she passed away last year. Now, I have lived with them." He said, patted the poodle next to him, and the two puppies extended affectionately Sticking out his tongue, he vigorously licked his neatly trimmed beard.

I asked about his kids.He told me that his two sons are doing well now, working as managers in large companies and having children.Father's Day was celebrated two days ago, and his grandsons and granddaughters sent him greeting cards.During holidays, his sons and daughters come to see him, and he often visits them. "But I don't want to live with them," he said. "I don't want to be a burden to anyone, not even my own son. I can take care of myself. Besides, I have a lot of things to do on my own. I'm learning computers. , I read newspapers and magazines on the computer network every day; I also study stock quotes. To tell you the truth, the prices of the stocks I bought earlier have increased several times.” The old man danced when he talked about his excitement.Apparently, he enjoyed bragging to my little audience. "What if one day you can no longer take care of yourself?" I asked ignorantly. "I have bought insurance a long time ago, and a family nurse will come to provide services at that time. Of course, not every elderly person has this condition. I am a very lucky one, and I planned earlier." I was infected by the old man's self-confidence.The depressed mood in the nursing home in the morning eased a little. During my three years in the United States, I found that cultural differences greatly affect how older people perceive themselves.According to official US statistics, the suicide rate of Chinese elders over the age of 70 is ten times that of white elders.Personally, I think that this is certainly related to the relative poverty of the elderly Chinese, but spiritual factors may have played a decisive role.Suicide is associated with despair, which in turn is the accumulation of disappointment.And disappointment, it will involve the original expectations.Many Chinese elderly people's expectations for their later years often depend on their children's attitudes towards them, such as whether they stay with their children, whether their children are filial, and so on.In our tradition, there is the concept of "raising children for old age".If you are old, but your children are not around to take care of you, isn't it the same as being lonely?Living in a nursing home is considered a shameful thing by many elderly people.The American family seems to be prepared for two people, and children are just a transition of more than ten years in the middle.Once children become adults, they are absolutely separated from their parents economically, and parents are generally unwilling to take on the "troublesome work" of raising the third generation like many Chinese elderly.I am happy to travel abroad by myself - after a lifetime of exhaustion, it is time to relax.Conversely, when the parents are old and frail, the children usually come to visit them once a week, but it is rare for them to serve in person, and the parents do not blame their children for this—because they did not take care of their parents when they were young.Everyone is almost entirely responsible for the quality of their later life.If you don't prepare a pension for yourself when you work, then you can blame yourself. Children generally don't bear this burden. It is difficult to give a simple judgment on which of the two concepts is better.On the one hand, human beings are animals that need family affection. During birth, old age, sickness and death, they always hope to be accompanied by relatives. As for the unwillingness to accommodate each other, it is difficult to live in harmony, and the insistence on separating from their children is somewhat helpless.On the other hand, a person takes full responsibility for his own life, does not rely on his parents when he is young, does not depend on his children when he is old, and maintains relative independence in material and spiritual, which is indeed a relatively positive attitude towards life.I personally think that the former can be improved more from the perspective of children, while the latter can be used as a reference for the spiritual cultivation of the elderly themselves. A middle-aged friend of mine has been quite emaciated recently.When I asked the reason, I learned that after his father passed away, his mother was lonely and had no way to dispel her anger.Recently, the situation has worsened. I called my son’s workplace several times a day, asking my son to accompany me day and night, and being picky about my daughter-in-law. This caused some discord between my friend and his wife; if there is a minor illness, it is suspected that he will die He must be hospitalized for treatment, and he loses his temper with the doctor from time to time, saying that they and his son cheated on her: "You just want me to die soon." The son has nothing to do with this mother, exhausted, he can only sigh Shaking his head.His mother's situation is certainly worrying, but his son's troubles are indeed worthy of sympathy.The actual situation of each family has many uniquenesses, but some elderly people are spiritually empty and bring heavy burdens to themselves and their children, but this is a universal social phenomenon. In fact, with the development of social economy and the increase of population mobility, the possibility of living under one roof with children in old age is also being challenged.Friends, then, are all the more important in old age. The father of a friend of mine was a vice-ministerial cadre before retiring, with real power in his hands.At that time, when I was at home, there was a crowd of people, and when I went out, I hugged each other, and the scenery was infinite.After retiring, the old man has always been bitter in his heart, and he will talk about the world's inconsistency when he sees people, and his resentment is beyond words.It turned out that many people who were afraid of not being able to please him saw that he had no real power, so they stopped communicating with him, and even greeted him less respectfully; it turned out that when he was sick and went to the hospital, the doctors and nurses were all attentive, but now not only his face is bad, And the standard of medication is not as good as before.The old man thought to himself that in the past there were people who waited on him, but now he couldn't even find anyone to talk to, so he really couldn't swallow this breath. That day I went to visit this friend's house and chatted with the old man.He also cited some new evidence to illustrate the superficiality of human relationships and the fact that there are no true friends in the world.His son couldn't bear it anymore, and scolded him: "Dad, those people were not your friends in the first place. They came here to ask you to do something. Now they still have to do something, and you can't help them. Come to beg you? To blame, I can only blame you for not spending time and energy to make real friends. At that time, your airs were so frightening! If it were me, I would not have a good impression of you, so why bother with you?" The old man took a sip of his tea and fell silent. A comfortable house lies in its unoccupied space, and a wise mind lies in its openness and relaxation.The elderly, just because they have distanced themselves from the hustle and bustle of the world, should have a certain detachment and a clearer understanding of life.The aging of this spirit is not only the wealth of the society, but also the best guarantee for their own happiness.Physical aging and spiritual maturity, fading out of society and gaining a deeper insight into society, these wonderful combinations often appear in old age, which is a skill that young people cannot achieve quickly. Let's talk about death, the ending that awaits each of us.A Japanese writer once said: "People who have true love and nostalgia in life are unwilling to die, but only those who continue to accumulate true love and nostalgia can face death." This seems to be a paradox , but it has its irresistible charm, because a person who really loves and is nostalgic will find a destination and eternal life in the things he loves and is nostalgic for.My grandpa, how content he was when he leaned on his polished cane and watched his great-grandchildren chase and play.Once, with all white beard and hair, he flipped through photos from sixty years ago, pointed to himself in a long gown, holding a top hat, and smiling smartly, and said, "Time flies! I don’t want to leave any inheritance to my children and grandchildren, I can only pass on a decent family tradition. Seeing that you have all grown up, I am very relieved. Even if there is a way to rejuvenate, I will refuse, just like a person who has walked a long way and is about to Once you get home, you won’t be willing to be dragged to the starting point and walk again.” I believe that what he said after passing the test of death is true.In his wrinkled eyes, there is a light of peace and wisdom. Human beings have sailed on a route with no retreat from the bud.Natural disasters, man-made disasters, accidents, and death have almost equal opportunities for children, young people, and old people, and may come at any time.In this sense, old age itself is no more intimate with death.And every elderly person should be grateful in his heart, thank God for giving him the opportunity to experience a complete life.There is nothing more natural than facing death in old age.Everyone with rich memories, when they look back on the past and taste the taste, it is like observing the growth of a fruit tree in high-speed photography, seeing the flowers blooming and falling, and the fruits turning from green to white in spring, summer, autumn and winter , from white to red, if the fruit matures and falls to the ground, wouldn't it be the most natural ending?Calm and calm, in my opinion, is the most elegant state of mind.French Impressionist painter Renoir said: "As long as there is progress, it is one step closer to death...but I still believe in progress." Of course, there must be many loopholes in my extravagant talk about old age at the age of twenty-eight.I hope I live to be old enough to testify these words by my own experience.