Chapter 18 so close, so far

[remember] The memory is that there is a sudden fog in the morning. You are riding a bicycle to class wearing gloves. You can’t see clearly along the road, but you continue to move forward. The place too far away is hazy, and you can only ride gradually towards the chaotic whiteness. The surrounding plants, pedestrians, buildings, and vehicles gradually appear like negatives soaked in potion, and the memory gradually recovers. You ride from the age of 21 to the age of 12, and the first thing you see is the birthday cake of the age of 20 And the dim light of the candle, your favorite person pulls your hand under the table, and then see your stubborn and young face at nineteen, see the self-righteous maturity of eighteen, seventeen, sixteen …Riding straight toward the depths of the fog, So's memory played a movie along the way, there was a slow soundtrack, it was his or her name, clearly and repeatedly interpreted by the air.

Memories are the camphor in summer, with a strong fragrance spreading in the air, the fragrance traverses the playground like a river, the playground is empty in the summer afternoon, the scorching sun is in the sun, the green grass beside the runway is shining brightly, the sun is dazzling and hot, And you suddenly looked up on the runway, and the red rubber runway was scorching hot.You raised your eyebrows slightly and said that you were there too. The memory is the third classroom in the middle of the third floor. The dark green blackboard has handwriting that was not erased by the students on duty. In the breeze that dispersed the crowd after school, a little dust fell slightly.And you are sitting alone in the classroom, the setting sun casts a slanted furry light outside the window.The fan above your head rotates jerkyly, and you sit alone for thirty minutes listening to the creaking sound of rotation, and then leave quietly with your schoolbag on your back.No one noticed what you wrote on the corner of the table, so and so, I miss you so much.

Reminiscence is that one day after a long time, you suddenly passed by a strange place, and for a moment you felt like an electric shock, everything seemed familiar or time was reversed, the memory slipped away on tiptoe, and you stayed there dumbfounded or frowning quietly .At that moment, you think of so-and-so, you think of him once washing his hair wet with sweat after playing football under that rusty faucet, or you think of her walking through the traffic with her skirt in the heavy rain Rough road.They disappear for a moment, come back for a moment, and disappear again. Memories are coins in backpacks, shaking all the way and jingling all the way, we carry these heavy and bright bags, we walk through countless bridges, turn over countless mountains, pass through countless dawns and spend countless dusks, those bags are always there Behind us, and you can hear them all the time.

Memories are when you feel that everything has passed so long ago, but when you close your eyes, everything comes back again. [long trip] Is long-distance travel an escape?Is it the loss after escaping?Is it the search in the lost?Have you found me who is on a long journey? I seem to have asked you many of these questions years ago, but you have not answered them.We set off again and again, came back and set off again, and the scenery on those roads became more and more complicated until I couldn't see clearly at the end.But we still continue to walk more and more roads.Many years ago, I stood on the top of the mountain and said that one day when I have money, I will fly to various places in China.But the way I shouted loudly was still very clear. It seemed that only a few days and months had passed, but now I have actually crossed mountains and rivers, and traveled through almost all provinces in China.

Are people on long journeys silent?I still remember what you said to me before, you said that I like silent people because they are kind.But I am becoming more and more eloquent, do you think I am less and less trustworthy?Is it true that the older a person is, the more he will tell lies, and then he will believe that it is the truth until the end?That great English hypnotist we all love said that there are no lies and no truth. I still remember those drowsy summer afternoons on the train, when the sun shone through the windows of the train, so no one spoke, and the silence was a great carol.Only the regular sound of the wheels hitting the rails reminds everyone that the world is still spinning and life is still peaceful, and we are still sailing to an unknown distance.

Are people on a long journey lonely or satisfied?I forgot I ever asked you that question.I asked you so much that I couldn't bear it myself, so I gradually started to find the answer by myself, and then became stronger and stronger in the process of finding the answer.I think everyone will be very satisfied after seeing the new scenery, and feel that there is a new emotion flowing into the heart in the form of blood.Left atrium, right atrium, ventricular artery, branch arteries and capillaries throughout the body.Maybe only when I see the beautiful scenery that makes me want to cry and I can't describe it to you without you by my side, I will feel regretful and lonely.

That's just maybe. [early morning] Early morning is the quietest hour in the world.The stars begin to appear gradually from the dark hour until the early morning.So the world seems huge.Life seems small.Memories seem thin.The future seemed dead.You raise your head slightly on the balcony in the early morning, and there are one or two stars in the sky. In fact, these tiny lights may have died many years ago. When they arrive on the earth and you see them, the lights you see may all be Souls, their entities disappeared many years ago. In the early morning, you pushed the closed window, and it was raining outside at some point, and the whole street was wet with the yellow light of street lamps.Two street workers, whose faces could not be seen clearly in raincoats, were still standing in the cold rain, holding shovels to clean up the sewers that had overflowed due to the rain.You look at their backs and suddenly feel sad.Because if you didn't open the window because you couldn't sleep tonight, you wouldn't know that there are two lonely people in this world.In fact, others are the same, they didn't open the window, so they don't know that there is another you in the world, when everyone is sleeping, standing in front of the heavy rain suddenly sad.

In the early morning, you are riding your bicycle across the quiet and empty roads one after another.You get used to riding a bicycle back and forth on several roads near your home every night.Those sycamore trees became abrupt in the deeper and deeper autumn, and several leaves continued to fall.You ride through the early-morning darkness like you're traveling through years that have passed by in a flash, with the cold wind hitting your face and tensing your muscles.You think of a lot of good friends who are scattered in many unknown places.They know everything about you from various places, but you don't know what kind of life they live.When they mention you, they always look proud, and they cannot hide their pride when they say to their new friends, "My former classmate is now popular all over China".But they may be in another world that you don't know, separated by a thin morning.

Early morning is the darkness that surrounds you.You turn off your phone and then turn it on again after thinking about it.After turning it on, I stared at the screen for a long time without any response and then turned it off.You wrote a short message for a long time, but you still didn't send it out in the end.So those long words can only be said to myself.You start to develop the problem of talking to yourself, and you practice "Hey, the novel you wrote is so good" in front of the mirror every day, because you don't seem to dare to trust others except telling yourself.Is it because you are too scared that you don't trust anyone?But I can only trust you.It's just that you're not by my side.

In the early morning, the laptop was not turned off, and it was turned on for too long, making a slight heat and violent noise. [Summer Solstice] The summer solstice is the year and month of the past.The so-called past years are the days that can never go back.you know. The summer solstice is a panic that hesitates to speak.No one had time to remember whose background.It's just that after many years, I vaguely remembered that someone left silently in the glare of the sun many years ago. The summer solstice is the carnival that never comes.The world is cold, and no one wants to take my hand and go to the playground.The setting sun should have gone out long ago, the amusement park should have closed long ago, and those flickering lights should have dimmed long ago.I want to hold your hand, but you put it quietly in your pocket.

The summer solstice has short hair and a white shirt.It's the time when you ride your bicycle in a hurry across the road covered with trees.On those days when we stayed on the bike, we hurried from one corner of the city to another.We patted each other's shoulders and waved our school uniform jackets, laughing loudly and sweating profusely.Because we know that the summer solstice is coming, and the sunny days are the grandest solar terms in the world.There will never be a sad day, there will never be a cheating day, there will never be a graduation day, and there will never be a forgotten day.Our youth stretches for hundreds of miles, and everyone believes that we can move the whole world.Even if no one believes it, I still believe it. The summer solstice is the imprint of sweat on the mat.Turning over, I heard the thin cicadas leaking into the window, and then it became clearer and clearer, so when I opened my eyes, I saw the sunshine all over the world.Open the refrigerator and take out half of a watermelon, with a spoon inserted into it facing the victory flag.Take out the notebook and write neat Chinese characters stroke by stroke. The teacher said that this summer vacation will fill a hundred pages.I turn on the TV when I am about to have dinner, Doraemon is always more attractive than Chinese characters.You were eleven years old that year.You were a naughty kid in elementary school.Never finish your summer homework.Never get number one. Xia Zhi was the last to leave in a hurry.You don't know why you graduated all of a sudden.So many reference books have not been done in time, so many people have not had time to tell them "I like you", so many days have been wasted like this, so many ideals have not had time to be realized.You are standing in front of the school gate to take graduation photos on a scorching day.Two or three friends stood around.You wanted to smile at first, but your expression was extremely stiff, so you looked extremely dull in the once-in-a-lifetime graduation photo.The sun shines red on everyone's face, but not everyone's eyes.Because the tide is coming, the warning is broken in an instant, and the city is flooded.The world was blurred for a moment, but until now, many years later, you have not admitted that you were crying.You always look at the graduation photos for a long time, because you remember the faces of many people, but you can’t call out their names when you open your mouth. [the meaning of life] The meaning of life is to sleep when you are sleepy and eat when you are hungry.I can call you when I miss you, and when I don’t miss you, you will call and let me suddenly think of you. The meaning of life is that we can all grow up healthy and not go through those ugly life, dark calculations, mutual hatred, cruel killing, shameless jealousy, we walk through our own life step by step in warm woolen socks , staggering ten years ago, now hesitant, and the next ten years will become more and more stable.And when you are ten years old, you are serious in love, when you are 30 years old, you have a happy family, when you are 45 years old, you wear reading glasses to help children explain math problems they don't understand, and when you are 65 years old, you can put them on your lap. Zhang thick hairy phlegm was reading books by the fireplace that he hadn't read because he was busy when he was young. The meaning of life is to have a warm bed of your own, instead of spreading the quilt directly on the floor. The meaning of life is that summer is finally over and winter is gradually coming, and you will no longer be as hypocritically afraid of the cold as your young and ignorant self.Because you know that when the cold wind blows over, the green will roll back on the branches, and nothing will pass. The meaning of life is to have a group of friends who take care of each other, laugh when they get together, think about each other when they are apart, have allusions and jokes that they only know each other in front of others, and find someone to send text messages when they are bored.Even if one day you will be scattered all over the world, but your lives have met, you have been shining brightly, and you have cried sadly for each other's grievances, then you can hold back your sad smile when waving your hands. The meaning of life is that you can drink hot soup when you are cold, and you can buy a plane ticket to fly back when you miss your hometown, instead of just calling your mother and complaining.When facing a table of delicacies from mountains and seas, you can think of the roadside stalls you once ate with.When you swipe your card on the first floor of Jiuguang Department Store, you can think of the cheap clothes you bought at the street stalls.In the suite of a five-star hotel, I think of my messy room, and think of the tangled microphone that I want to strangle to death when it is mischievous, but at this time I want to hug it very much. The meaning of life is finally taking the time to cook at home, not the plan of calling different restaurants to order takeout and then being busy doing work while waiting five minutes. The meaning of life is that one day we can go to the playground with you that we have never been to, see the happy Ferris wheel and the heart-pounding roller coaster, the children's pockets are full of happy candies, and the song that will always play is you When I was in elementary school, I would play "Ode to Joy" on the harmonica to me. [Graduation Album] The graduation yearbook is that summer, that one and only summer.You and I both said the same thing that year. We said that we never felt that the Phoenix Flower could come so easily. In the graduation album, Chen Kejia must insist on writing her name as CKJ, so that every time I buy CK's denim series in a few years, I will inevitably see the three characters CKJ.And the logo on a T-shirt I bought recently is CKJ. The graduation album is Lily's big complaint, saying that she must lose weight within ten years of becoming fat, and that the next time we meet again, all our boys' blood pressure will rise.And the most timid she was at the time is now a nurse who is studying, dealing with corpses all day long, and even sent a brown piece of something unknown to a friend, and then told him earnestly that it was cut from the corpse A small piece of human skin. The graduation album is good friends complaining to each other, saying unspeakable words to the crush, and using the most joyful words to cover up the deepest sadness. The graduation yearbook is an eternal book. I used to think that I would never look at it or think about it again, but every time I moved and tidied up the room, when my eyes came into contact with the cover that had become outdated due to the age, my heart would The dust that surged when time was buried swept across every corner of the room in an instant.Those familiar smiles are hidden behind every more familiar name. The one who wears glasses has the best grades, and the one with a crew cut won the first place in the principal's run. In time, youth is like a train passing by with a bang, and people get off the train along the road. The graduation yearbook is the ticket from the past. I forgot whether you bought it or me. It’s just that someone took out some money from his pocket the moment he got on the bus, and the moment he lowered his head and raised his head, there was a lot of summer heat in such a hurry What time, life, ideals, graduation, university, everything is like sultry heat, flowing around me like sea breeze.However, Sichuan is in the interior of China, and it is farther away from the coastline than the coastline.Just like how I miss you now, it stretches thousands of miles across mountains and seas. The graduation album is that we are broken in the air, those words, because of some unexplainable reasons, they are abruptly broken in each other's silence, the opened mouth cannot be closed, and the outstretched fingers make a click sound, in fact, everyone Knowing what each other didn't say, but no one would say "I will miss you when you leave" to each other, but at the moment when I really got my diploma and was about to leave school, I was reminded of it again. The time, place, character, event, temperature, language, expression, and action, but why do we think of it?Almost thought they were about to forget.But I remembered it abruptly, as if a bone was suddenly misplaced, piercing through the skin and exposing it to the air. Those pains, even if I don't say it, others will understand. Yearbooks are doves that suddenly soar into the sky at dusk. They say they will come back, but they never come back.The heavy rain began to pour, and the world began to shrink. In the air, only the gray feathers left by the moment they fluttered their wings and flew high, became the legend of the light in the world.The years gradually dimmed. The graduation yearbook is a year-round heavy rain. Those who hold on to their memories and refuse to let go are drenched all over. In fact, the reason why we feel that people standing in the heavy rain are very embarrassed is because we will never be able to tell the difference. , The rain on their faces, is it rain or tears they refused to tell others. [Camphor tree] Camphor is the memory of summer, and those dead summers gradually wake up in this cold winter.The morning sun breaks dawn, and all of us are the souls of those summers who lived in the sky for many years and returned to the world after becoming a feather. Camphor is the memory of high school. In the dream, I went back to the school countless times. I turned around and walked up the stairs. The portraits of great men at the corners of each staircase were covered with thick dust. In my dream, I clearly stood in the third year of high school. Behind the classroom in Class 3, I watched my eighteen-year-old self lying on the desk in a drowsy state, with my face buried in my arms, and the sun shining through my hair.At that time, my hair was forcibly dyed back to black by the teacher, and the earrings were forcibly taken off by the teacher at that time. At that time, there were many beautiful clothes but I couldn’t wear them.And at the age of 21, I seem to have finally done what I dreamed of in high school, but I can no longer be happy. Camphor is the memory outside the window. When I was 18 years old, I saw the sun piercing the canopy of the tree, and the light pierced into the pupils and made a sharp sound. My soul was suspended above the young self behind me, watching him read the paper while doing the test paper. Looking at the watch on the table, there is fine sweat on the forehead in summer, the sound of cicadas outside the window is like the sound of the arrival of the tide, and the fan above the head is creaking and spinning.He wrote ABCD quickly on the test paper, frowning together without opening. Camphor is the orchestral music at dusk. I used to travel through the blurred shade of trees with my lunch box every evening when I was 18 years old. I used to take my lunch box and beat it with my friends. I fantasized that I was a handsome musician in a rock band. We swayed Sweat up attracts the screams of countless young girls, we are young so we are the sharpest kings.Every evening when I was eighteen, I walked through these mottled shades like my never-ending youth.Walk back to the place where I live from school, light up the desk lamps, I must light two or one desk lamps at night, because I think only under the warm yellow light, I will become brave, not afraid of the dark night, will be in the dark You are no longer alone in those days when you are away from me, only then can you make those reference books that can never be finished, and then you can swallow your breath and continue to live a life that is almost matte, and then listen to those Never get tired of listening to CDs, turn off the lights and go to sleep. Xiangzhang has slightly flying hair. At that time, it seemed that straight hair was popular among girls all over China, so Wei Wei’s hair was very straight. Now, in 2004, China has curly hair, so when I returned to China during the New Year’s winter vacation in 2004 When I got home, I really saw Wei Wei with curly hair.But when it comes to fashion, it seems that no one can surpass me in the circle of friends. We have become more and more beautiful and more attractive, but why haven't we become more and more confident?We even have low self-esteem and feel that we are the dirtiest people in the world. We can’t wash ourselves in the bathtub, and at the end of the soak, we will sink the next year into the water and cry loudly.These are all Wei Wei told me, she said that such a self is really annoying. Camphor is the memory of the entire city. Those silent plants stand in every corner of the city. I have walked past them countless times without paying attention to them. I think no one will care about them.Only when we leave those familiar places, the streets where we know where there are traffic lights even with our eyes closed, the stationery stores that used to be frequented, the long slope that we have to go to school, and the familiarity. No. 11 bus station, leaving the lonely overpass wrapped in neon lights, leaving the place we decided to leave long ago, leaving the place we will leave after all, leaving the warm mother we grew up in that we didn't want to leave, we just I will think of those camphor trees that used to stand in every corner of the city. They are all the witnesses of our growth. Those sad, laughing, depressed, quarreling, beating, fleeing, returning, leaving and reminiscing are all deeply engraved into those pale annual rings, waiting Looking at those who have left, one day they will think of them inadvertently, and remember them unforgettable.At that time, it will hurt my heart.But before I think about it, everything is a boring and illusory cutscene, and the prosperity has not yet ended.So I closed my eyes and enjoyed the blind and false prosperity and peace. Camphor is the fog in Fu Xiaosi's eyes, the world is in chaos, everything in the world has returned to the beginning, no one has clearly appeared in my life, and I have not clearly participated in anyone's life, everyone in their own In the years of my life, I lived alone, turning around lonely, watching the sun that sank and rose again, day after day, year after year. Camphor is Lu Zhiang's white shirt, which smells like orange soda in the hottest summer.On the left hand side is the high-spirited friendship that makes people cry, and on the right hand side is the loneliness that a person cannot speak out. He is the lonely trunk of camphor, declaring the quiet power in standing silently one day after another.He is not a flower, not a leaf, not a tall tree crown, but a silent tree trunk. In spring, summer, autumn and winter, he uses the same side face to count how many years have passed and how many dreams have been abandoned. Camphor is my dead dream for many years. [Lonely] Loneliness is when you suddenly wake up in the middle of the night, the world is pouring rain, you can’t sleep anymore, you calmly drink a glass of milk and then read a difficult book, but you still can’t fall asleep, then you wrap yourself in the quilt and look at the sky outside the window Occupying the sky second by second. There are more and more phone numbers in the lonely mobile phone, more and more calls are received every day, and more and more short messages are sent every day, but when you suddenly see a sunflower field that has repeatedly appeared in dreams, you are excited. Taking photos, shouting loudly, but then not knowing who to send the photos to on the phone.At that moment, you suddenly understand that all the way to the present, there is no one standing by your side, watching the scenery with you. Loneliness is when you want to go shopping with a friend, only to find out that your friend has already made an appointment with another friend, so he says sorry to you. Loneliness means that you will no longer choose gifts for someone's birthday. Loneliness is that you will never cry a lot because the plot in the book is similar to your own story. Loneliness is that I am standing on this warp line, and you are standing on that warp line. There is a few time differences between me and you. Loneliness is a lonely mineral water bottle, and when the tears in its heart run out, it will be abandoned beside the noisy horsepower.When it still has tears, when it still has sadness in its heart, others still hold it in their hands.One day it is determined to be a happy mineral water bottle.It tells others its secrets, the tears that are so full in its heart that it is about to overflow, but it forgets the meaning of its existence. It exists to hold those sad tears, to let people know, In fact, there are people who are happier than me.So it was thrown away.It is a lovely tragic clown. Loneliness is the sound of the keyboard at three o'clock in the morning, each sound is like a password to heaven, so the memories are transformed into stories, the nerves twitch and shed their skin, and one after another gorgeous blooms emerge. Loneliness is the crowd looking up to migratory birds, because migratory birds take away a lot of missing.They think that looking up at migratory birds is looking up at the care that has left long ago.They believe in the legend that "angels always fly over their heads", so they can continue to live happily and carelessly. Alone is the subway. Lonely is the lobby on the first floor of Jiuguang Department Store. Loneliness is a bank statement that you sign off when you swipe your card. Loneliness is when you eat alone until the whole table is cold, and then you stand up and silently throw away the food.At that moment you kind of want to cry. Loneliness is catching up with endless announcements. In the gap from the light here to another light, you are eating bread and drinking mineral water in the car. You grit your teeth without letting tears fall, and you dare not Think of provocative topics such as "Why am I doing this?"Loneliness is the silent but tenacious conviction that my work is about to be done. Lonely is a sudden major change the day before. I cried all night, my eyes were red and swollen and my skin was dull, but I still had to go to a certain variety show the next day. I carefully asked the producer if I could change the announcement, but I was scolded badly , It's great to say that playing a big name and becoming popular?So I pretended to be happy and chatted with the host and played tricks to share happiness with everyone, saying that sharing happiness was just giving happiness to others, and I became more and more lonely. Loneliness begins in the northern hemisphere, but loneliness is when you finally finish reading this lengthy text in the middle of the night, because you are so lonely that you have nothing to do except read this text.Post-loneliness ends in the southern hemisphere.