Chapter 9 Metamorphosis

I want to paint windows all over the earth, so that all eyes that are used to darkness can get used to sunlight. ——Inscription·Gu Cheng one I did not attempt to copy Kafka, nor did I dare.Kafka is the writer who frightens me the most, rejecting the light, loving the dark, living in a shabby house, saying few words, and embracing despair.There are too many differences between me and him. I grew up in the secular, refined and smooth material life, surrounded by the sweet and greasy fragrance of the world, and never tire of it.I can't imagine myself living in a dark basement like Kafka, living with the constant hallucinations before my eyes.I think I'm going crazy.My ideal is like what Ji Ru Wang Jing sang: "I need a spacious room of my own, filled with sunlight and feel the warmth quietly", and then "facing the sea, with spring flowers blooming." However, when the three-dimensional deformed object When it appeared, I thought of Kafka and his first, which made me quite discouraged.At the same time, I thought of my screen saver, the white cherry blossoms were falling like snow, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling...

two I wasn't a gloomy kid, not from a young age.I have sunny eyes and a smile, but have the darkest pupils. The Bible says that the darkest pupil is the most poisonous medicine.As I said, I grew up in an exquisite material life, and I lived my life like a kaleidoscope, constantly turning and creating changes, but no matter how I changed, there was a hole in my heart that could never be filled.This kind of void was first discovered by me in Kafka's novels, then in Su Tong's novels, and in the novels of Baby Anne, and finally this void stayed in my heart, living and working in peace and prosperity.If I want to live 100 years, I think it will live 101 years.

three Sun Wukong is a master of transformation, I am better than him.I have a large wardrobe of clothes, and it takes two months to change a set every day; I have a variety of CDs, cynical wild rock, you love me I love you commercial pop, elegant and timeless classics I am happy, so I can become an angry youth, a disgusting groupie, or a gentleman at any time; I have all kinds of friends, such as poor poets, avant-garde painters, top students with high grades, and young people wandering in society. Gangsters, migrant workers from other places, and high-ranking white-collar workers, I changed my face every time I faced a type of person, and in the end it made me feel sick.But I'm still smug, even though I know the void inside me hasn't gone away.I don't know why I tried my best, but the hole is still as stubborn as me, so I asked Xiao A, and Xiao A said to me blankly: "It's very simple, because you are afraid of being alone." Let me stand in place, dumbfounded for three minutes.It's like a butterfly breaking out of its cocoon, proudly waiting for its shocking transformation, but suddenly stuck in the cocoon, excruciating pain, and finally stuck on the way of transformation.

I was stuck in Little A's words. Four The word "deformation" seems to have nothing to do with Little A forever, because no matter how vigorously the years pass by him, it will not leave any traces.I think that even in a hundred years, he will still be like this: quiet, indifferent, majestic, and aloof from the world.He can live with one attitude forever, not afraid of loneliness, not afraid of loneliness.He can quietly spend an afternoon flipping through a picture book alone, or stand alone on the side of the road in white clothes and watch the traffic, or find a clean road for a casual walk, and look up when passing by a shade of trees. Fragments of sunshine, sweet smiles like children.I used to laugh at him for being autistic, but he always smiled and patted me on the shoulder and said: You don’t understand.I understand now, but after understanding, I am even more sad.

I hate people who are all-round, because they have too many masks for them to transform; I like people who are silent, because they are kind. But I found out very sadly that I am the first kind of person. Fives I have heard of the "constant response to all changes" in the art of war for a long time, but I have never thought about the significance of the art of war in reality.Little A belongs to the kind of constant, and I belong to ever-changing, obviously I am a loser.A Western philosopher said: Is the world changing too fast?No, it is only you who change. A sentence very similar to it was said by Dusun Austin. She said: Is time passing?No, time is still there, it is we who fly by.

six Lush yellow flowers are nothing but Prajna; green and green bamboos are all dharmakaya. seven The three-dimensional deformed object is still changing, becoming cheerful and bizarre. It is a smooth and docile ball for a while, a delicate plum blossom for a while, and a sharp-edged icicle for a while. I really want to ask it: "Why do you have to be so like me?" Eight I always walk one step ahead of the mainstream, and constantly change my direction with the direction of the mainstream, that is to say, I have no direction.I always use my non-mainstream taste to laugh at all other mainstream things, but I find it unnecessary.Everything around me is changing. It doesn't mean that I have to change to cater to it. No matter how I live, I will live happily for a hundred years.Years run backward vigorously with matter sandwiched between them, while the soul runs forward pure and clean with thoughts. It is very simple, this is the so-called life.

Nine Little A said to me: "Siwei, you are constantly changing your attitude towards life, sometimes bright and sometimes indifferent, sometimes low-key and sometimes ostentatious, but I know the fear in your heart, because you can't find your own direction. So you can only use the hustle and bustle of changes to drive away the silence in your life, but don’t you think this method is very strenuous? Don’t you think this kind of confrontation is very weak? Siwei, I hope that one day you can really calm down, Find your own direction, then you will be happy." Little A's voice was like a thick cello, and I was so sad that I was about to die.

ten Maybe I was used to too much darkness in my previous life, but in this life I have pupils as black as ink. These black eyes, which should have been looking for light, are deeply trapped in the darkness and cannot extricate themselves. Maybe I am addicted to it and don't intend to break free.The most poisonous poisons are pure black, yet surprisingly sweet to taste. I'm not a gloomy kid, but I'm a kid with holes and shadows inside. eleven I didn't like toys since I was a child, but there is one toy that completely terrifies me, and that is-masks.I once had a dream. In the dream, someone kept changing his face towards me, sometimes treacherous, sometimes ferocious, sometimes bright red, sometimes blue. When I struggled to wake up from the dream, I already burst into tears.

twelve I always feel sorry for the people whose lives are adrift, because I know the desperation inside them.They have no direction.They constantly change themselves just to fight against the numbness and loneliness of life.It's like walking into a room full of mirrors, where there are thousands of figures, but it still looks like you're the only one.Loneliness is a strange thing, without the process of quantitative change to qualitative change, tens of thousands of dollars will no longer be one dollar, but thousands of loneliness are still loneliness.Suddenly I remembered Ah Cheng's writing about Phoenix. He said that if Phoenix is ​​lonely for five hundred years, then reborn for five hundred years, it is still lonely.

Thirteen That's why I want to paint thousands of windows on the earth, I want the sun to shine into the darkness inside me and the darkness of other people. If possible, I hope that even Kafka's will be illuminated together, because I love him so much. fourteen The curtain is about to end, the venue is about to end, let me make one last wish: "I want to live for 102 years, so that I can see the emptiness after 101 years in the sun, in my heart, in my bright smile, gradually and completely disappear."