Chapter 20 March, My Displaced Life

From March 4th, my mood became very bad.For no apparent reason, I always feel a drowsy wave of sadness drifting through every nerve ending in me, and then I become unhappy. I started writing a lot of words because so many editors were rushing me.Many nights I sat alone in front of the window sill holding a pen and writing quickly, or just holding it like that without moving.Outside the window is the erratic wind, all over the sky and the ground, screaming arrogantly, tearing my curtains one by one.I'm just wondering when the spring wind will turn into this look like. I always set my alarm clock half an hour ahead to let me know in the wee hours that it's late and I should go to bed, and then again in the morning to let me know it's light and I should get up for school.I know that my well-behaved life has been messed up.I saw my eyes getting darker every day in the mirror, and I was terrified.But the days still go on like this.

Many nights I wanted to cry while I was writing. I felt my eyes were swollen and my nose was so sore, but I always held back, took a few deep breaths and told myself not to panic.I am very afraid to face the huge night alone at night, and I am afraid that I will shed tears cowardly. I moved out of the school dormitory for eight people and moved to an old house near the school.When I moved I only had two big cardboard boxes with lots and lots of tapes and books I bought a long time ago.Some books were even torn, and I carefully glued them together.I want my new room to be filled with the atmosphere of my own home.On the first night when I moved into my new home, I missed my parents, the little cactus on my window sill, my little white dog, my mahogany bookcase, and my old bookcase. Four years of lamps.

Thinking about it, I fell asleep. When I gradually fell into a dream, I felt the familiar smell and the warmth behind the smell, just like the room in my home that I am used to sleeping in.So I hugged the quilt happily. But the next morning I woke up from the cold.While I clearly felt the cold, I immediately remembered the scene when my mother boiled milk for me in the morning when I was in junior high school, so I wanted to cry.But in the end I still didn't, I got up quietly and got dressed.When I went out, I wrapped myself a thick scarf. I'm getting more and more lucid, and this state scares me.My eyes always get brighter and brighter as the night gets darker.Many times I always force myself to throw away the pen, turn off the desk lamp and go to bed, but when I cover the quilt, I find that I really can't fall asleep.And at this time, those past events that have settled down for a long time will break into my mind again like a glacial river of iron horses.Then, in a trance, the sky was already dawning.And I always hope that the sky can be dark for a while, so that I can sleep well like a child, even if I am late occasionally, then I will look like a healthy and happy child.But the sky was still brightly lit.

I never knew how lonely one would feel when watching the sky gradually lighten up.First, a trace of paleness began to spread on the horizon, and then bit by bit it spread to the entire sky.I began to miss the days when I opened my eyes and saw the sky bright and bright. I called my editor the other day and I said I was sick of writing.My voice on the phone was crying.My editor was frightened, there was a trace of hesitation in his always clean and steady voice, he said don't panic, you write the manuscript slowly.I felt very sad when I heard that.He has always been the editor who dotes on me the most. When he calls me to make an appointment for a manuscript, he will ask me what class I have today and if I have eaten.I suddenly felt sorry for him.But I really got sick from writing.I felt a few lumps of scorching heat suddenly embedded in my brain, and the burning was severe.I saw traces of blue wind floating in the air in front of me. I didn't need to see a doctor. I was really sick.

After the phone call, I walked from the phone booth back to the room I rented alone. As I was walking, I thought I must not fall down, or I would die.When I got back to the room, I threw myself on the bed and fell asleep until dawn. Then I ran to the school with a lot of books in my arms to take the exam. Little A's expression was really hard to describe when he saw me. After looking at me for a long time, he told me fiercely not to write. Look at what you have become.I looked at Xiao A's face and I wanted to cry, but I didn't.After so long, so many people just said that I became indifferent and arrogant, but no one taught me so fiercely like Xiao A, but I felt warm.Just like a naughty and self-willed child who ignored him after making trouble for no reason, at this time his brother came over and took his hand and took him home. At this time, the child was happy and sad, so he wanted to cry up.

So I wanted to cry.While forcing tears back into my body, I said to Xiao A: You look so strange, the camphor tree at the school gate actually dropped its leaves all over the place in spring.Little A's eyes were shining brightly, and I could see the pain in them. This March I've had a lot of fights and fights with everyone. A large group of people were playing happily together, suddenly I didn’t want to talk anymore, and sat alone with my arms folded, so The atmosphere became a little awkward.In fact, they are a group of very good friends, there is no need to look like that.But I really didn't want to talk all of a sudden.When I was flipping through a magazine boredly that day, I came across a paragraph.It says: What a person can say in his life is limited. He said a lot when he was young, but he said less when he was old.I think writing should also be counted in speaking, because I feel that when I write, I feel more like speaking honestly.So if I write more words, will I say less and less?I don't know, I feel kind of scary.

A large group of people were happily playing badminton together, and suddenly I got angry.I threw the racket to the ground and then walked alone with my bag on my back without looking back.That day, for some unknown reason, I got angry with Xiaolei, very angry.But there is no reason.At that time, Xiaolei told me that I was too lazy to talk to you.So I knew that I was really unreasonable and hopeless.I really wanted to say sorry to her, but I turned around and walked away.And that day, when I was angry and left, I threw Xiaojiezi's clothes on the ground on the ground when Xiaojiezi said behind me that I was crazy, I remember very clearly.

When I walked to the school gate that day, I suddenly turned around and asked Xiaobei: Will you suddenly ignore me one day?Xiaobei looked at me and smiled brightly at me: Don't worry, it won't happen.At that time, I wanted to hug Xiaobei's shoulder and cry.Xiaobei is a girl who loves to laugh. I have never seen her shed tears.Later I saw an article written by Xiaobei, she said: I am with many happy people, I tell myself that I am also very happy, and others think I am also very happy, because my face is full of bleakness and sadness, but I Still smiling happily.Later, I heard a girl say that Xiao Bei hid in the quilt and shed tears at night, so I knew that everyone has tears.

At noon that day, I had dinner with Xiaobei and Xiaolei. Xiaolei said that I had become easily angry recently.I turned my head to look at Xiao Bei and opened his mouth, but he still didn't speak in the end.Xiaobei looked down at the rice in the bowl and whispered: I understand.Xiaolei said: If you want to cry, then you can cry out completely. I cried hard at my friend's house last night. Look at how happy I am today.I looked at her and still didn't speak. "Wildland" reprinted my article, but did not give me any notice.So I posted a post asking why.Later, Teacher Chen Cun replied to a post, and the editor also replied to a post.But someone scolded me, he said that this fucking guy really knows how to hype himself.I didn't do anything wrong, but I was severely scolded by others.

weekend.But I don't want to go home.I'm afraid that my parents will feel distressed when they see me.I know I look haggard.His eyes were sunken and his face was pale.My mother will feel distressed when she sees it.So I said to Xiaojiezi that I won't go back this week, you play with me.So Xiaojiezi said hello to me.But the day before the holiday, Xiaojiezi suddenly told me that he would not be with me anymore. He said that his old classmates made an appointment to play together, and they made an agreement last week.Anyone can tell it's an excuse.But I didn't say anything, and he even took the trouble to think of an excuse for me, instead of telling me outright that I couldn't do it, people should be content.

I didn't go home on the first day of the holiday.After eating at noon, Xiaobei went to play with three girls. I was too embarrassed to run with a lot of girls, so I ran to the Internet by myself.On the Internet, I saw that the "Cloudy Sky" I just posted got a lot of replies in a short period of time, and they said: We are equally lonely.Later, I met Master Xiaodan on OICQ, and I asked her where she was, and she said I was next to you.Then I turned around and saw her and Xiaoyou. Master Xiaodan wants to go back to school to sleep, so Xiaolou asks us to go?I'll just say yes. The sun was shining that afternoon, and Xiaoyou and I walked slowly along the urban area, from the urban area to the countryside, and then back to the city from the countryside.Kind of like the Long March. That afternoon I watched others catch crabs by the river for 30 minutes, sat on the river bank for a short while watching others fish, was chased by a dog in an open field, distinguished the difference between house wheat and wild wheat and folded them easily. I bought Zhiye wheat ears, bought them in the Xiaonanmen Bookstore, and bought my lost ENYA's "Memories of Trees" in the video store. Xiaoyou is a very nice person, he spent an afternoon with me, a bored person. I went home alone with my luggage on Sunday morning.When I went downstairs, I met Xiaojiezi. He went to the movies alone, so I didn't say anything.He took me to Ximen Station, and then I got on the train alone with my luggage. go home. I knew my parents would be worried.Dad asked me why I didn't come back yesterday, and he waited for me at home all afternoon.After listening to it, I feel very warm, yes, in my home, I will always be loved by someone. When I went out to eat at night, my mother told me that the child should stop writing, just like before, and be a good child who reads books and plays ball. I am worried about you.I looked at my mother - my most beloved mother, I really wanted to shed tears. After dinner we go home.I ran into Little A on the way. Little A said let's go for a walk, so I said yes. The city is becoming more and more brightly lit, and the cold night wind makes people's mind clear.But I didn't know where to go in the lights of the city, I just followed Xiao A around blindly. Xiao A and I sat on the railing of the pedestrian bridge again, leaned down as before, and watched the car lights coming and going below.I'm a person who is afraid of the lights on the road at night. I always cover my eyes with my hands when the lights shoot at me from the dark.I don't know why, it's a ridiculous habit.But that night, when I watched the car lights coming and going below, I didn't even have a trace of fear. I felt that those lights became extremely warm.It may be that Xiao A has been with me all the time, but I haven't been with anyone for a long time.Thinking of this, I feel my nose sore again, and I feel like a poor child who has been forgotten by the whole world. Little A said that you want to live a life without writing. After writing this book, you have to sleep well, and you can wake up after you forget all the sorrows and joys.When you wake up, you will find that the ground is full of blue and white flowers. I looked at little A, the smile on his face was quiet and steady, which made me warm. After returning home, I thought that Xiaojiezi and the others went to the riverside to catch crabs in the afternoon, so I called him to ask him.I think he can tell me some happy things and maybe my mood will be better.But I could hear that he was impatient on the phone, so I said coldly: Don't be impatient with me, I am also annoying.Then hung up the phone.Then I cursed out: You bastard  and my tears fell. My tears finally fell, it was the catharsis I had been waiting for, a wanton firework, so I cried hard, with all my strength, I cried like a child. Tears fell on the blanket I laid on the floor and wet a large area. I was surprised that I had so many tears, but I continued to cry. At last I was so exhausted that I fell on the bed and fell into a deep sleep. The moment before I fell into the nightmare, I said in my heart: Just sleep like this, I don’t want to wake up. To be precise, my March, my trance, sad and depressing March has passed.When I wrote this article, I just finished my evening self-study, I just teased a few friends, I just made a few little liars, because today is April Fool's Day.I guess I love April, a month that starts off with such a wonderful holiday that should be filled with joy. On the Internet on April 1st, I saw Xiao Xu’s post under my "March, My Displaced Life". She said that in this March, many people seemed to shed tears extravagantly and indulge their emotions with their fingers willfully. .But our March is over, tomorrow There will be bright winds, and the summer sun that I love so much. I have so much to say about that March.Xiaobei said that your writing in March is too rough and the rhythm is too strong, not as good as your "Cloudy Sky".So I told her that I wrote "March" not for literature, but more as a catharsis. I wanted these words to take away the black sadness accumulated in my heart, and take away all the reasons and excuses that made me angry.I am like an overfilled reservoir, the water level has already exceeded the warning line, even if there is a small hole, I will pour out all the things accumulated in my heart.Since I can't wait for the gap to appear, I will make one myself.Really, if I don't let it out, I think I will be completely destroyed-really destroyed, from the inside to the outside, completely shattered into powder, and then the wind blows and disappears. "March" was published online.Many friends who liked me and cared about me sent E-mails to ask me what was wrong.They panicked a bit, which warmed my heart. H said Siwei, if writing makes you unhappy, then you should live a life without writing.Even then the connection between us was broken.But as long as you're happy, that's fine. CC said four-dimensional, this is not like your writing.You have always been a restrained person, and your sadness is also clear, but this article reminds me of too many extreme things.What's wrong with you recently? You seem to be going against the whole world. You worry me. It seems that I am really worried. When I received these E-mails, March was drawing to a close, and my hysterical anger had gradually turned into a kind of light and thin sadness, just like I used to be, which is the state I like. I pulled Xiaoye out of the dormitory of the school to live with me, I wanted to prevent myself from having the opportunity to think wildly in the empty room alone, and I wanted to let myself return to the state of peace of mind before.And the days are really getting better day by day. I waited for Xiaoye to go home with him every night, laughing wildly along the way.After the lights were turned off at night, we chatted in bed, seeing vague things in the dark, and hearing clear voices in the air.I drink a large glass of water every day, my mother said, this is a good habit.I play when I have time, and when I smash the ball hard and it hits the net, I don't lose my temper like I used to. I pat myself on the head and say I'm so stupid. I killed it again.I still write articles, and I wrote four book reviews in one go, all of which are my favorite authors: Liu Liangcheng, Annie Baby, Su Tong, and the fairy tale I like very much.I write 2,000 words a day without haste, without the inexplicable irritability and panic I had before. I'm really getting back to my old self day by day, and I'm so happy to see my smile brighten day by day in the mirror. I think I'm starting to digress, the state of homelessness that made me panic in March receded from my life little by little in the brightening sunshine, just like the loud and unscrupulous cicadas in summer, shouting After a whole summer, with the coming of the autumn wind, I retreated to the depths of the woods little by little. Unknowingly, in a trance, the whole woods became quiet, only the sound of trees growing quietly.It's kind of like where I am right now. What about those inexplicable sorrows?I tried to find them, but they were all gone.Did it really just blow away with the wind?I am now calm and calm.Only when I go home occasionally, when I sit quietly on the floor, when I drink a large glass of water and make a lonely sound in my throat, will I see the trance-like sadness in front of me, but it has been replaced by time. The running water washes lightly, leaving no trace, just like using an eraser to erase a large blurred blank on a large sketch, which is a kind of vague surprise. The state of anger has faded from the drawing paper, leaving such a blank space, giving me a place to commemorate. I really don't know what happened that March, I can't tell.It's like a child waving his arms and legs excitedly after watching a beautiful firework, but he can't speak, at most he yells twice.Maybe people thought he was crying. It's only been a week since those days that terrified me, but it feels like a year or a century has passed since just one week passed.Now let me look back at the state in March, I seem to be standing on the other side of the river watching Liao On the other side of the wide water surface, a child sat on the ground and cried helplessly, tears fell down in big drops, his eyes were red, toys and candies were thrown away, and that child was me. Bai Yansong said: Looking back on the road is always thrilling. When Bai Yansong is mentioned, I think of a friend, the young Sakura.When I was in panic, he sent me an E-mail, and he copied Bai Yansong’s sentence to me. I forgot the original sentence, but the general meaning is this: There will always be times like this in a person’s life ——One man's war.At this time, your heart has been turned upside down, but in the eyes of others, you are just a little more silent than usual, and no one will find it strange.This kind of war is destined to be single-handed. This passage gave me a very warm feeling at the time, that is, from that time on, I gradually escaped from the panic like the top of Mount Tai and ascended to heaven.I'm glad I didn't lose my life inexplicably.I'm back from a one-man battlefield. I wasn't the only one who felt overwhelmed and displaced that March.Including my good friends and some of my favorite student authors, everyone is like a lost child, standing on a street corner and crying loudly. When others come to care about him, he also refuses to believe anyone.For example, Gu Xiang is the girl I like more, the girl who is sunny and full of stretching wind in her words.But how extreme she is in her latest article.For example, she wrote: "I became more sensitive, surly, withdrawn, cold, mean and pessimistic. Mind you, I was always like this." It’s like a cancer trying to devour something, so I pointed at it and scolded, so I’ll starve the cancer to death, let’s see who kills the first.” I felt scared, and my heart became cold, and I kept on It was so cold that it was completely cold outside the body, and the whole figure was covered with a solid layer of ice, breathing heavily in the air. So I really want to tell my friends, don’t panic, I’m already here, walk slowly, as long as you don’t fall off the cliff, you can walk however you like, walk however you like. Some people say that people who write will feel lonely all their lives.I was terrified.I don't want that kind of life, although some people say that it is a kind of taste to stay alone, and lonely people are excellent, but I don't want it.I just hope that I am happy. I can read books and play basketball when I have time, and occasionally ask a few stupid questions. This is the real happy life. I think I will soon forget about this March.Although the wound it brought me was deep, no matter how deep the wound was, it would heal slowly until the skin grew back.Or this March will be a memorial to my pain.I can grieve but I can't grieve forever, I can't be a kid who grieves forever like Peter Pan.Children can and should cry after losing their beloved balloon, because we call them children, but children have to grow up slowly.When I grow up, I can no longer shed tears over a balloon.Butterflies are transformed from caterpillars. The moment they emerge from the chrysalis, the pain of tearing off a layer of skin is heart-wrenching. Many butterflies are so painful that they die at the moment of breaking out of the cocoon, stuck there, Die on the way to feather, die before spreading your wings and flying.It's a bit like our growth. If the hands on the clock don't stop, we will keep walking.It is a mistake to stay where we are, to keep saying goodbye to someone and something and then chasing the tide of homelessness again and again. March, I will forget you.I remember myself saying that on the last day of March. I saw a passage from Wang Ze in a magazine today: Only when you leave a place can you review yourself carefully and carefully, listen to new songs, take a new path, and suddenly find out what you have tried so hard to forget Really just forgot.The rest is the most poignant and heart-warming part. I think it's really well written.Things that I thought I would never forget are now a little blurred.What's left is a filtered emotion, like the smell of phoenix blossoms in early summer. Forgetting is our unchangeable destiny. Finally, a quote from Haruki Murakami: "It's like misaligned drawing paper, Everything can't go back to the past, Staggered little by little. " Maybe something staggered that we really should forget.