Chapter 8 lost days of heaven

1 Chongming was taking sleeping pills again.He used to eat them one by one, but now he eats them by the handful.I once put away all his sleeping pills, and he didn't object. He just paced back and forth in the living room with a cup of coffee every night, like a depressed lion. The sound of footsteps throughout the night finally made me relente and return all the medicine to him.I felt like I had given a rope to someone who was trying to hang himself. Chongming is the sad epitome of this industrial age, a rich and lonely child. When Chongming was eighteen years old, an air crash cost him a huge amount of insurance and a huge family fortune.He immediately became an enviable and pitiful child.

I don't need your pity.This is a saying that Chongming often said. Chongming is now twenty-two years old.To put it mildly, he is an avant-garde poet, wandering writer, and internet writer, but to be more realistic, he is a vagrant.But fortunately, he has enough money to spend his life. And I am an ordinary boy in the second year of high school. The only thing that is not ordinary about me is that I have an amazing mother.My mother is not a white-collar worker, she is a gold-collar worker.So I also hold a lot of currency, and a lot of lonely time. 2 The reason why I live with Chongming is also because of my mother.

The middle school I attended is a national key, but my mother's evaluation of the school's accommodation conditions is: it is not a place for people to live. So I moved to live with Chongming. I heard from my mother that the son of so-and-so of my aunt's uncle's nephew is Chongming.I remember laughing unruly, ironically and coldly.It's so fucking funny, I could probably relate to Clinton too. Darwin said that thousands of years ago we were all monkeys. In the end, I still lived in Chongming's house, and Chongming didn't treat me like a child.Although Chongming is five years older than me, Chongming is more like a child than me.

Because I have a mother with great powers, I have learned extremely commercial smiles and eloquence since I was a child.This earned me good marks in the world of adults, including teachers. But Chongming did not have such a protective look.He doesn't like to talk very much, and he likes the gentle and smooth night. Sometimes I look into Chongming's eyes and feel that there are endless black tides inside.Poetry and the Internet are the ice-blue blood flowing in his body.Like all the children who grew up under the shadow of the postmodern city, he is extremely narcissistic and extremely vulnerable.

I am the same, but my appearance has a layer of oil, so that I will not be too hurt by the world. We are all shiny worms who live on inspiration, we are all golden gods with extreme self-worship, we are all dark angels who are so empty that we have nowhere to hide, we are all prehistoric dinosaurs who overwhelmed millions of creatures, and we are all June. The son of the devil born on the 6th. We dance non-stop, and we can only stop when we reach Nirvana. Like Chongming, I was born with ice blue blood. And I'm more or less schizophrenic.During the day, I combed my hair obediently, wore a simple and well-mannered school uniform, and obediently waited for the traffic lights on the side of the road with my schoolbag on my back.In the evening, I combed my hair back to reveal strands of blonde inside, put on my favorite tight T-shirt and oversized pants, put on bracelets and anklets like dog chains, and clinked like a prisoner Walking around the market, whistling when he sees a beautiful woman, just like a ruffian.

3 Chongming still didn't take the medicine in the end, he said, it was only eleven o'clock, and he went out to dance.I stood up in response, and broke out in full armor. At night, my mother would use her cell phone to find me, and I would always hide in the bathroom calmly, shut the door to block the loud noise outside, pretend to read a few words of English while answering my mother’s words, and deliberately asked Chongming to turn off the TV keep your voice down. The night is always beautiful, and the dazzling neon light floats faintly in the whole city.A crazy and psychedelic atmosphere rose from the hot ground, and the Midnight Theater opened an ambiguous curtain in the city.This city, as Karen Mok said, "beautiful at night".

The earth is still spinning after the end of the world, and freedom and individuality are the whole reason for our existence.At the very beginning of this reality, we are God, we are everything, and the universe flickers for us. 4 Kapok paradise. Judging from the name, it should be a very quiet place, it should be a bookstore or gallery.But it is where the city's frivolity and insolence lie.Luxurious disco. Chongming used to be the gold medal DJ here.He has successfully murdered thousands of empty souls with his natural sharp touch and almost pathological extremes to music.In their eyes, Chongming is the gold-lettered signboard at the gate of heaven.Chongming quit at his peak and most glorious time, and hid at home to write poems—even though this was an era when poets starved to death.

Pushing open the glass door, the shocking music sucked us into this huge vortex full of darkness, sweat, psychedelic and personality. All the people danced and struggled in the crazy music, like drowning turkeys. Soon we found Ye Zhan on the stage holding a guitar and shaking his hair violently. Ye Zhan and his Finding Paradise band are the pride of young people in this city.They sang all our innocence, all our fragility, all our sad and sad years and all our shining times.Ye Zhan is also my best friend with Chongming, so we are even more proud. Ye Zhan held a golden guitar and looked down at us from above, while we were extremely excited below, cheering like courtiers meeting the emperor.

5 When the girl in her twenties suddenly jumped up from the stage, there was a small commotion in the crowd.She ran up and stood among Ye Zhan and the others and danced lightly.A head of thick black hair flew to the sound of savage music, like thick algae under the swaying waves.An all-black dress completely covered her whole body, leaving only a delicate face, like a proud and noble black swan.She stood beside Ye Zhan like a queen, respecting the world and leading all beings.She is also like a colorful fish under the light, or a smooth and gorgeous silk satin in the dark. During the break, I found Ye Zhan in the background.The woman like the black swan is also there.I asked Ye Zhan, your friend?Ye Zhan said, no, we don't know each other.

She came over, opened a pair of big but empty eyes and said, My name is Luoshen. I saw blue light flickering faintly in her eyes from time to time, coquettish and weird.But sometimes her eyes looked like pure blue velvet—very innocent baby blue.The two incompatible temperaments of innocence and coquettishness have been perfectly unified in her body, colliding with a charming charm, making her more attractive than the ancient Luoshen. Ye Zhan said, you have a beautiful name. This sentence is very substandard, just like constantly praising the beautiful buttons on a top fashion, or praising the fine paper of a famous painting.

Luoshen smiled slightly and said, your guitar is also very beautiful. Chongming said in a low voice, what a powerful woman. Luoshen looked back at Chongming and said, thank you. I turned around and saw the black tide surging in Chongming's eyes. It was time for Ye Zhan to take the stage again, and Luoshen was still dancing beside him.The lights flickered, the music went up and down, and we were sweating profusely in the dark.We dance, we scream.No one knows that I am the top student in the whole year, no one knows how many times I have won awards, I am very simple, I am very fragile, I am just a clay figure made by Nu Wa when she is happy. 6 Luoshen became Ye Zhan's girlfriend.I'm not surprised, it's a matter of course, just like the sun will set sooner or later, and the next day will rise sooner or later.They are a match made in heaven, seamless like concave and convex characters. They have become the new golden sign of Kapok Paradise. And I was still studying in school, and I was still the top student in the eyes of the teacher.Chongming still surfs the Internet, writes topics for several rock music websites, earns what he considers insignificant electronic currency, still plays games, still writes poems, takes sleeping pills, and stares blankly at the darkness.Nothing is different.The days are smooth and serene, like lukewarm water, neither exciting nor depraved. My mother still calls me from different places every day, telling me that coconuts are delicious in Hainan today, and telling me to wear more clothes in Harbin tomorrow in Harbin.I know she loves me and I love her too.I'd love her even more if she wasn't gold collar. 7 Sunday. Like any other Sunday, Chongming and I woke up slowly at 11 o'clock.Chongming turned on the computer, while I tidied up the manuscripts scattered all over the floor last night. At this time, someone knocked on the door, and the knocking was very rhythmic and cultivated.As soon as I heard it, I knew it wasn't Ye Zhan and Luoshen.They always make an exaggerated and creepy coffin-nailing sound. I opened the door and saw a white-collar worker who I didn't know but had a decent temperament.I said, Chongming, I'm looking for you.She said, no, I'm looking for you.She said, can I come in?I said, of course. She ran her hands through her hair and introduced herself.I am the director of the music department of the radio station. It was your friend Ye Zhan who introduced me to you.We need a review on alternative music, about 20,000 words, if you are interested, we can calculate the remuneration according to the most favorable price. She maintained the confidence and a little arrogance unique to white-collar workers from beginning to end.But since I have a gold-collared mother, I am not afraid of this kind of occasion, so I deal with her very skillfully.I can see that she is a little surprised, she must be wondering why A high school kid would have such adult language and a commercial smile. I gladly took the job, it wasn't bad after all. After sending off the director, I started calling editors for my new novel.After two rejections, I knew I was looking for a younger editor. My novels were written for young people, but these days, it seems that there are not many young editors. Suddenly there was the sound of nailing a coffin. Ye Zhan sat comfortably on the sofa drinking coffee, while Luoshen lay on his lap like a cat.I find it weird and ridiculous how they always stick together like Siamese twins.Chongming still plays games in front of the computer, but he keeps GAME OVER. Ye Zhan said, Chongming, I want to ask you to write a song for me. Chong Ming didn't look back, and said very coldly: Content, form, what are the requirements? Ye Zhan said, I don't want to use those things to restrict your talent, I just want to tell you the importance of this song to our band.The song is called "Looking for Heaven". When Chongming turned his head, I saw the black tide in his eyes was extremely shiny.Then he suddenly smiled at me like a kid and said it looks like we all have errands. 8 We're crazy busy. I listened to the CDs sent by the radio one by one, and then I kept writing.Chongming, on the other hand, sat in front of the computer, dazed for an hour in the dark, and then typed a line.Or he sat in the afterglow of the setting sun with his guitar in his arms, carefully checking the sound with his fingers.All inspiration flows from the fingers in the form of blood. We are crazily obsessed with the warm feeling brought by words, just as peacocks are obsessed with their feathers, moths are obsessed with scorching flames, narcissus are obsessed with clear reflections, and meteors are obsessed with falling in an instant.We live by words and keep warm by words. If one day we don't have words, then we will die completely. The state of confusion makes me often have the same dream recently.The lake in my dream is a large piece of clear glass. I lay on it, daydreaming happily.Suddenly the glass melted, and with my poor knowledge of physics, I knew it would be hot when it melted, but I felt the piercing cold and the boundless horror of sinking slowly. When the water came to my mouth, I would always struggle to wake up, and then I would see Chongming typing in front of the computer. Luoshen and Ye Zhan come every day.I can see that Ye Zhan is very satisfied with Chongming's works.I have always believed that Chongming has a natural and sharp musical talent. And Luoshen is in charge of all our food.She hasn't put on makeup these days, and she looks like a young college student with a plain face, with a gentle and moving beauty.When she cooks, she looks like a woman in the traditional sense, not the usual sudsy delicate and fragile black swan.During the meal, Chongming joked lightly with her, but she smiled brightly like a child. So I felt a sense of home in a trance, a kind of simple and profound moving. After two weeks, all our work was done.Chongming's song is called "Looking for Heaven".Then the overwhelming sense of exhaustion swept over us, so we slept thoroughly and comfortably for two full days. 9 After the manuscript was handed in, the white-collar director called to say that she was satisfied. "Looking for Paradise" has also been completed, and we are only waiting for the maiden concert in Kapok Paradise on the weekend. Fortunately, the end result was that my article became popular on the radio, and "Finding Heaven" also became popular. So many people know that there is a songwriter named Chongming and an article writer named Angwei. On the night when "Looking for Heaven" was first sung, Kapok Paradise was packed with people. Everyone's faces were blue, their eyes were burning, fantasies and expectations rose up, like a huge smoke enveloped the dark crowd.There is no noise, the silence expands endlessly, and I hear the sound of someone swallowing saliva. The first guitar sounds, but not an electric guitar, but a nostalgic and broken acoustic guitar sound.People are getting ready to writhe, toss their hair, and get ready to fall into the crazy, loud, wild black hole as usual.However, there is no black hole, only nostalgic and sad music floating out, like a small hand pinching everyone's most painful heart. I bend over to you in heaven Just as sad as you look at me I look up to you in Jiuquan like you stand in the wilderness look up to your once holy ideal one day i will come back Bring back the fragrance of kapok and bauhinia all over the body Bring back our shiny days then tell you i have found heaven Ye Zhan sang it five times, and at the end, everyone cried, including me. I thought we had no more tears, we thought we had already turned into a hard rock exuding a cold breath in the dark, but we found that we still had soft and sensitive places that couldn't stand the touch. We use the night as our gorgeous coat, and madness as the sharp blade in our hands, just because this world makes us ignorant, panic and helpless, we can only wield the sharp blade, constantly slashing and killing things that scare us, and the whole body is covered with protective colors, Alert color, struggling to survive like a fragile baby.In fact, we all want to hear The stars in the sky don't speak, but the dolls on the ground miss their mother. We don't like McDonald's and Coke. We like to eat the vegetables fried by our father and the apples peeled by our mother. However, these are like the harmonica sound in the dark night in this bustling city, which can be felt but cannot be grasped. 10 It was early morning when we walked out of Kapok Paradise, and the four of us wandered the streets like midnight ghosts. The tears on his face had dried up, and there was a faint cool breath. Chongming put his hands in his trouser pockets and whistled softly.Ye Zhan carried his shiny golden guitar on his back, plucking the strings habitually with his hands from time to time.As I walked, I kicked the soda cans on the road.A cat popped out of the darkness and we startled each other. Luoshen said, we should celebrate. So we went to a small bar nearby. This is indeed a small bar.People's expressions are calm and leisurely, without the slightest sign of madness.The music is also very gentle, flowing through everyone's fingers like water.The light is a beautiful amber, and we are as serene and serene as insects frozen in the amber. Ye Zhan joked innocuously, Luoshen smiled like a silver bell from time to time, Chongming drank slowly while listening to the music like flowing water seriously, and I played finger-guessing with Luoshen and Ye Zhan from time to time. Ye Zhan got up to go to the bathroom, leaving the three of us behind.Luoshen leaned her head gently on Chongming's shoulder, she whispered, Chongming, I like you. Chongming spilled the wine in his hand, he pushed Luoshen away expressionlessly, and said, you are drunk. Luoshen fell over again, put his arms around Chongming and said coquettishly, no, I'm not drunk, I really like you. Chongming stood up abruptly, pushed Luoshen away forcefully, pointed at her and said, you bitch, you make me sick. Luoshen seemed to have woken up too, stood up, poured a glass of wine on Chongming's face, and then she shed tears, she said, you fucking beast, I love you so much, you call me a bitch! Then, all the sounds in the bar receded far away, and the flowing music froze in the amber lights, and it was so quiet for a moment.One minute we still cherish each other, and the next minute everything becomes out of hand. I heard the heavy and rapid breathing of some kind of beast, I turned my head, Ye Zhan's eyes flashed blue light in the amber air, piercing towards me like needle points, I felt completely dizzy. They fought at last, like two lions crossing their eyes.Cups, wine bottles, vases, everything that could be broken was broken, and there were glass shards all over the floor.Surrounded by women screaming and men cheering. Finally they both fell to the ground, on the faintly glowing shards of glass. The sweet smell of blood wafted in the air.Luoshen sat on the ground crying, cursing while crying, Chongming, you bastard, you bastard.I stood aside, watching all this in bewilderment. Alcohol made my head dizzy, and everything in front of me was not so real. I felt that all this was like a funny and ridiculous movie scene, but it refused to end after every play. What the fuck is going on. 11 When the glare of the sun pierced my heavy eyelids like a dagger, the clock struck twelve slowly.My head was about to split in two, and under the pain my memory was blurred like a puddle of water that was about to evaporate. I hugged my familiar pillow and covered my familiar quilt. I am now lying at home.Maybe Luoshen sent me back, maybe I came back by myself, who knows? I walked into the living room, sat down beside Chongming, and asked him, do you like Luoshen? Chongming didn't speak. I also have nothing to say.I began to feel that Luoshen was like a strange and gorgeous plant, surrounded by poisonous purple air. I sat with Chongming until the evening, and then we fell asleep again.It seems that deep sleep is a great form of escape that we all use. 12 Luoshen disappeared, Ye Zhan disappeared, no figure, no phone, completely evaporated from the world.Chongming also stayed behind closed doors. Apart from me, in the eyes of others, he also disappeared. I still take classes, I still take exams, nothing is different. A week later, Chongming and I saw Ye Zhan again, when we saw clearly: he was flying. I persuaded Chongming for a long time, saying "we are friends until death" over and over again.When I was about to give up in the end, pointing at him and scolding "you fucking just keep sleeping like this", Chongming sat up from the bed and said, let's go, find Ye Zhan. Just when we walked downstairs to Ye Zhan's house, we saw Ye Zhan fall from the balcony. Then there was the sound of tomatoes falling to the ground. Then there are brakes, screams, and thousands of complex sounds. Ye Zhan lay quietly on the clean concrete road.I saw his pale and stern face, his soft hair, his slender fingers plucking the guitar, and the blood oozing from his body. At that moment, the blood shot up to the sky, filling the entire city. He is like a rose that weeps blood growing out of the concrete floor, beautiful and proud. A heavy hammer hit my chest, I leaned against the wall weakly, slid against the wall, and the whole panicked street began to dangle in front of my eyes. In the dim and swaying sky, I saw Chongming waving his arms vigorously and shouting heartbreakingly: Ye Zhan, you are such a fucking idiot! ! 13 Ye Zhan's funeral was very deserted, with only two or three sparrows.We have been unable to contact Ye Zhan's relatives, we only know that his parents live in the north.They still think that their son is living happily in this world, in that snowless city in the south. I buried that golden guitar with Ye Zhan's ashes, and I thought that Ye Zhan couldn't live without music after his death.I think he can sing and dance with the pure little angels in heaven. Ye Zhan in the photo on the tombstone was still pale and stern, with an attractive blue light still shining in his eyes. However, from the beginning to the end, Luoshen did not appear.I have no reason to blame her. In this era of dying love, she has no obligation to bear the grief. She can still fall in love and have fun with thousands of young people in this city.To her and to this city, Ye Zhan is like a rainbow after the rain.When the rainbow appeared, people stopped to admire and admire; when the charming colors finally dissipated, people hurriedly started chasing the banner of desire hunting in the wind again, no one looked back and no one stopped. Chongming and I went to Ye Zhan's house to pack up the things left behind. When I opened the door, I saw Chongming squatting down and crying. Every wall in the house is covered with red paint: Chongming, I'm sorry!Onvi, I'm sorry! I went into the house alone to pack my things, and I saw Ye Zhan's last handwriting on his desk: Chongming, Angwei, forgive me, I bless you all in heaven. My tears eventually flowed down. Ye Zhan's death is like a piece of gentle color, like the most beautiful illusion in a fairy tale, like the blurry background music in a black and white movie, surrounding Chongming and me in all directions.We start spending a lot of time thinking about it.We are like fish swimming back to spawn along the river of memory, and the final struggle always leaves us exhausted. The radio station has another good writer, and there is a new gold medal DJ and gold medal musician in Kapok Paradise. I, Chongming, Ye Zhan, we are beginning to be forgotten by this city. 14 Mom got promoted again.I don't know how many times this is her promotion, and I don't know how high she will be promoted. I only know that she excitedly told me that you are going to transfer schools again.I will go to that northern city where it also snows in spring. I stood at the door with some clothes and a large box of books and CDs.I told Chongming, you have to live well. Chongming patted my shoulder and said, don't worry, as long as I can write something, I will live well. I said, fart, listen to me, even if you can’t write anything, you have to live well for me. After I finished speaking, I turned around and left without hesitation. The vertigo from the acceleration of the plane on take-off was hard on me.I can't take my eyes off the city that I loved so much and that I had forgotten. 15 The new school made me more silent and lonely, watching the time fly by overhead alone, casting a deep and lonely shadow. Top grades and a dark, gloomy personality made me an odd number in the eyes of my classmates and teachers.I disdain to speak to people whose grades are as good as mine.Because I don't want to be an idiot who talks sulfuric acid and shuts Charlie's Law. So I am even more attached to my pen, and even more attached to my beloved words.But my delicate and beautiful midnight inspirations were all blocked by the school's lights-out system at night.I sit in the dark every night, feeling the joy of holding a pen with my fingers, but the spirituality of my fingers is lost bit by bit. Finally, one day, inspiration will never come again. I know that my hand is dead. So I read like crazy.All the books I brought were piled on the bed.It's ridiculous that there are no bookshelves in the dormitory of this nationally famous school.Still, sleeping with a book isn't too bad a feeling. Many of these books are Chongming's favorite poetry collections, and the blank spaces in them are filled with Chongming's sudden flash of inspiration. I wrote many letters to Chongming, but he didn't answer any of them, only a letter from Luoshen, which said: She and Chongming are in love. Life here is like a pool of foul-smelling sludge.Dull, disgusting, cloudy, depressing, like a rotten watermelon on top of your head.Everyone is like an ugly mollusc, clinging to the mud and crawling forward, competing for a meaningless but worthwhile race, making a dull and sticky sound, like a buffalo pulling its hooves out of the mud. The sound of pulling it out is the same. Time is turning silently like a cat's paw falling on the ground, flowers bloom and wither, windows open and close, spring, summer, autumn and winter come and go again and again, I grow up day by day, get older day by day, day after day Sad spring and autumn. My mother was very happy when I finally got the admission letter from that prestigious university.I know, I should go back to the city in the south where it doesn't snow. 16 I walked on this street again, this bustling long street that I am familiar with and deeply attached to.On both sides are beautiful sycamores, each leaf is like a flying green palm, greeting me. I dragged my heavy luggage and stood at the gate of Chongming.I imagined his pale face, surprised expression, and messy room after he had been away for a whole year.I knocked on the door, and an old lady with silver hair opened the door. I saw a tidy room, and then I saw Chongming. Chongming's portrait hangs on the wall, his smile is clear but silent. Chongming died of taking sleeping pills, and when he died, there was a quiet smile on his face.The old lady said to me.My grandson has always been a quiet person. I asked why Chongming committed suicide.The old lady shook her head slightly. At that moment, Luoshen's blue pupils floated in front of my eyes, and the bewitching blue light made me feel dizzy. 17 I really should go.There is nothing in this city worth my nostalgia.I saw people hurrying on the road, and I felt that they all had their own direction, and I was lost in this concrete forest alone.I know that when the people leave, I'm left alone, and it's a ghost town. I really should go.I should go to the north, I should be a troubadour like Xu Zhimo wearing a scarf and wide-rimmed glasses, I should be a romantic college student, and I should start preparing to inherit my mother's career. The last time I lingered on this street, I spun around like a lonely pointer on a clock face. I sat on the suitcase and watched the rush of people in front of me.I sit here and watch the time go by. I remembered Pu Shu's song again, They are all old, where are they? Fortunately, I have accompanied them to open up. The dazzling neon rose again, and thousands of young people began to float on the street like fireflies, faintly emitting blue light.They are younger than I used to be, and they dress more differently.I'm really old, I've been old since I was eighteen. I thought of Kapok Paradise. I looked across the street, but I couldn't find the familiar golden signboard. There was a piece of Big blue screen that says "Arctic Scream". 18 The next morning, I packed my things and left the city.When I walked through the steeple church, I saw Roselle in a wedding dress.She was standing on tiptoe to kiss her blond husband next to her.She was demure and happy, and she was no longer the black swan woman with blue lipstick that I was familiar with.She is a charming and gentle bride. Bells rang, doves flew, and I heard people's blessings. 19 The moment the plane took off, I heard Ye Zhan's familiar singing voice: I bend over to you in heaven Just as sad as you look at me I look up to you in Jiuquan like you stand in the wilderness look up to your once holy ideal one day i will come back Bring back the fragrance of kapok and bauhinia all over the body Bring back our shiny days then tell you i have found heaven Then I saw the pale faces of Ye Zhan and Chongming, and then they all disappeared in an instant, leaving only a overwhelming feeling called weightlessness. I think of my Chongming, my Ye Zhan, my Luoshen, my kapok paradise, the beautiful novels I wrote, the radio shows I did, the midnight inspiration I lost, my dead fingers, all my life The scorching peach blossoms, the spring snow in my life.Where are you... A tear falls and the whole city begins to fall.