Chapter 23 Alan Weinstein

The last period, for me, has been some bad days, that feeling of loneliness that comes with finishing a book, as if the book is closed and stays in me, abandoning me again.I can't explain it.Just last night, November 25th, during the broadcast of "French Culture", Alain Weinstein went on and on for two hours, and I couldn't say a single sentence, as if I had aphasia Symptom-like, really shocking.Alan Weinstein has been waiting for that essential time, and finally I did say something.Then I stopped again.I asked myself how this could have happened to me, what on earth had I done, what kind of nightmare was this.I can't figure it out.There must be such a story, this story happened when I was sixty-five years old, and Y. A． ①, Homosexuals.This is undoubtedly the most terrifying and most important thing that I could not think of in the second half of my business.It is very similar to the situation in "Pain" ②, but the case mentioned here, the man mentioned, he was at the scene, I did not wait for him to come back, and he was not locked up in a concentration camp. Guarding me, helping me fight death, that's what he did, and he didn't know it in his heart.He didn't know about it, he believed so.It was obvious that either he or I was dead, and neither he nor I could bear the thought of continuing to live.We know, we are in love, and we don't tell.It is something that is inaccessible and unimaginable, and even for us, it is in any case impossible.It's just such a story, such an exhausting book to read, and in the process of writing it, Young threw himself on the book like crazy to stop it from going on, and— —in doing so—inspired him to pick up a pen and write too.

①Y． A．That is Jan Andre mentioned below. ② "Pain" is a novel published by the author in 1985, in which "I" is waiting for the return of the man who was imprisoned in the Nazi concentration camp during World War II.There is a Chinese translation by Zhang Xiaolu. I fell into a coma① in the American hospital, and there were a few short waking moments, and I saw him beside me. Those were some extremely rare moments, and for a short time, I could see that he wanted something from me.I asked him, and I said to him, "In this coma, you don't know that I'm going to live and you want me." He said to me, "Yes, that's true." We talked about it, but no in conclusion.Later, I was unable to speak any more, and it was impossible for me to write any more.I couldn't even hold a spoon, and my saliva kept coming out and getting everywhere.I can't walk, I can't go.I can't figure out anything.I fell down.This is the woman he wants to get, and this is the woman he wants to get with Y. A．love loving woman.

①The author became seriously ill due to alcoholism and was admitted to an American hospital in Paris for treatment.