Chapter 3 two pure hearts

two pure hearts Hua Zhan's diary one Zheng Deling from No. 23 next door is really nice!Today my mother carried me to the door, and I saw her riding a bamboo horse on the cement.She smiled at me, and I clearly saw that this smile meant that I should ride a bamboo horse together.I immediately smiled back at her, expressing my willingness, and stepped down from my mother's arms to ride a bamboo horse with her.They rode the same bamboo horse. I wanted to turn a corner, and she agreed; I wanted to go a little farther, and she was also happy; she said to let the horse eat some grass, and I was also happy; It also makes sense.We are really gay friends!When the interest was just right, my mother came out and took my hand and asked me to eat.I said, "I'm not happy." My mother said, "Zheng Deling is going to eat too!" Sure enough, Zheng Deling's elder brother called "Deling!" He also came out and held Zheng Deling's hand.I had to go in with my mother.

When we were about to enter our respective doors, she looked back at me, and I looked back at her, and each went in and disappeared. I really don't want to eat.I knew she must have no intention of eating either.Otherwise, why didn't she smile at me when we parted, and her face was very unhappy?It was indescribably amusing for me to be with her.Why rush to eat?Even if you want to eat, you can eat when you are free.In fact, in my opinion, how good would it be for comrades like us to eat and sleep together every day?Why divide into two?Even if they have to be divided into two families, anyway, father and Zheng Deling's father are very close, and mother often talks and laughs with Zheng Deling's mother, as long as you adults can be together, and we children can be together, wouldn't it be better?

I don't know who decided this "family" distribution method, it is really unreasonable.I think it is always made by adults.The unreasonableness of adults, I often feel recently, is not limited to this end: that day when my father and I went to Xianshi Company, I saw many small cars and bicycles on the ground, which were obviously used by our children; but my father must not Ken took one home for me and left it there with a lot of room.When I came back, I saw many cars parked by the side of the road; if I wanted to sit, my father would definitely not let me sit, and let them park empty by the side of the road.Another time, my aunt carried me to the street. An old woman with many small flower baskets on her shoulders was playing a flute and holding a small flower basket in her hand. She looked at me and handed me the flower basket in her hand; No, hurry to hug me and go away.This kind of small flower basket was originally for children to play with, besides, the old woman clearly expressed her willingness to give it to me, so why did my aunt tell me not to pick it up?Auntie is also unreasonable, this is probably what her father taught her.

I like Zheng Deling the most.She is as tall as I stand on the ground, walks as fast, and has the same mood and interests.Sister Bao or Zheng Deling's brother have a somewhat unreasonable attitude, I don't think they understand.Probably because their bodies have grown up and they are a little closer to adults, so their moods are a little bit unreasonable like adults.Sister Bao often calls me "crazy".I told my father that if it doesn't rain, Zheng Deling can come out. Sister Bao pointed at me and said, "Zhan Zhan is crazy!" What do you mean "crazy"?You don't come to play with me every day, and you go to school with your schoolbag, isn't it "crazy"?Dad sits at the table all day, filling in the words on the grid of the article, isn't he "crazy"?Isn't it annoying that you can't go out to play in the rain?I want the sky not to rain, which is a reasonable request.I can hear you asking Dad to turn on the light every night, and when Dad turns it on for you, the room will be full of light; now I want Dad to tell the sky not to rain, and Dad does it for me. Wouldn’t it be refreshing on a sunny day?Why do you call me "crazy"?Although Zheng Deling's elder brother didn't say anything about me, I always hated him.When we were playing, he would often put on a straight face and pull Zheng Deling, saying, "It's not embarrassing to go to someone's house with bare feet!"

Immediately pulled her away. "Embarrassment" is what adults are used to say. Adults are often not afraid of getting bored, sitting in a chair, nodding, bending over, saying "please, please", "sorry", "embarrassed" and other boring words, they It's a bit like an adult! what!I have very few confidants!I'm very lonely!My mother often said that I "could cry", how could I not cry? two Today I saw a strange situation: After eating sugar porridge, when my mother carried me to the dining room, I saw my father was wearing a big white cloth, sitting on a chair with his head downcast, a pock-faced stranger in a black gown, holding a shiny The knife cut hard on the back of Dad's neck.Ah!What a strange situation this is!What the grown-ups do, the more you look at it, the more surprising it is!Why is Dad willing to be cut by this pockmarked stranger?Does it hurt?

What's even more strange, when my mother carried me to the dining room, she clearly saw the appalling situation of my father being cut.However, she didn't mind at all, as if she hadn't seen it.Sister Bao walked in from the patio with her schoolbag in her arms. I thought she would cry when she saw her, but she just called "Daddy" and looked at the horrible pockmark before she casually went to the room to hang up her schoolbag. .Dad cut his finger the day before yesterday. Didn't he yell "Mom" and immediately fetch cotton and gauze?Today, this terrible pockmark clenched its teeth and cut off Dad's head. Why didn't Mom and Sister Bao care about it?

I really don't understand.Damn it, it's that pockmark.He still has a cigarette in his ear, just like Dad holds a pencil.He must be a man without a pencil, must be a bad guy. Later, my father raised his eyes and called me: "Hua Zhan, you also come to shave your head, okay?" After Dad called, the pockmark raised his head and looked at me, revealing a shiny golden tooth.I didn't understand what my father meant, and I was terribly frightened.I couldn't help but hugged my mother's neck and cried.At this time, mother, father and that pockmarked a lot of words, but I couldn't hear clearly, and I didn't understand.I only heard "shave the head", "shave the head", but I don't know what it means.I cried, and my mother hugged me and walked out of the patio.When I got to the door, I peeked inside, and saw the pockmark through the window clenching his teeth again, cutting off Dad's ear.

There are students throwing a ball outside the gate, soldiers doing gymnastics, and trains passing by.My mother told me not to cry and told me to watch the train.I was in suspense about the strange things inside the door, and I was not in the mood to look at the scenery, so I just leaned on my mother's shoulders. I hate that pockmark, he must not be a good person.I want to say to my mother, hit him with a stick.However, I finally stopped talking.Because in my experience, grown-ups often disagree with me.They are often unreasonable, insisting that I take the worst "medicine", force me to do the most difficult "washing face", or insist on not allowing me to make the most interesting water or the most beautiful fire.They are indifferent to today's strange things, and their opinions must be at odds with mine.If I propose to fight, it will definitely not be approved.If you can't beat them anyway, forget it.I just cry!The weirdest thing is that sister Bao, who usually sympathizes with me, jumped out of the door to laugh at me today, and told my mother that I was an "idiot".

I only cry alone!Who can sympathize with my crying? When my mother came back with me in her arms, I raised my head, ready to take another look. What happened to this strange thing?Is that nasty pockmark still there?Unexpectedly, as soon as I stepped into the threshold of the wall, I heard the sound of "pat, clap". When I walked into the dining room, I saw that pockmark was hitting Dad on the back with his fist. The sound of "pat, clap" is exactly the sound of beating.It can be seen that he must have been beaten hard, and my father must be in pain.But why did Dad let him beat him?Why doesn't mom care?I cry again.My mother hurriedly carried me into the room and said something to my aunt. Both of them laughed and said a lot to me.However, I still heard the sound of "pat, clap" beating people next door, so I didn't want to listen to what they said.

Didn't Dad say "beating someone is the worst thing"?That day Ruanruan refused to give me a brand of cigarettes, I slapped her, my father once scolded me, saying I was not good; and that day I broke the cold and heat watch, my mother spanked my ass, my father immediately hugged me , Said to mother, "I can't beat him." Why did everyone ignore that pockmarked father today?I continued to cry, and I fell asleep in my mother's arms. When I woke up, I saw my father sitting next to Pijana. He seemed unharmed and his ears had not been cut off, but his head was very white, like a monk.I saw daddy, immediately

① Transliteration of English piano (piano). Remembered the strange things before going to bed, but they--father, mother, etc.--still didn't mind and never talked about it.When I think about it, I feel terrified and confused.It was obvious that my father had his neck cut, his ears cut off, and he was beaten with fists, but everyone ignored it, leaving me alone in horror and confusion.well!Who can sympathize with my terror?Can anyone explain this confusion to me? to my children① my children!I look forward to your life more than once a day!I want to condescend to say it so that you may know it for yourselves.It's a pity that by the time you understand what I mean, you will no longer be the ones I can dream of.What a sad thing! Looking forward!You are especially admirable.You are a real person who is completely open about body and mind.You seem to be desperately trying to deal with everything with all your energy.Little disappointment, like peanuts falling to the ground, chewing your own tongue, and kittens refusing to eat cakes, you will cry until your lips turn white, and you will faint for a minute or two.Grandma Putuo went to burn incense and bought the clay figurine for you, how devotedly you hugged and fed him; one day you accidentally broke him, and the sorrow of your crying was worse than the bankruptcy, lovelorn, broken heart② of adults, bereaved concubine, The sorrow of annihilation must be real.Bicycles made of two plantain fans, trains and cars made of mahjong tiles, how seriously do you take them, straighten your voice and say "Wow," "Googoo..." instead of gasoline.When Sister Bao told you a story, "Sister Moon hung up a basket, and Sister Bao sat in the basket and hung it up, Zhanzhan watched from below", how passionately you argued with her, Said "Zhanzhan is going up, Sister Bao is watching from below!" and even cried in front of Mangu ① This article was originally a preface to Zikai's Painting Collection. ② Excessive sadness. to be judged.Every time I shaved my head, you sincerely suspected that I had become a monk, and you didn't want me to hug you for a long time.Especially this summer, when you sat on my lap and saw the long hair under my armpits, you were so sad when you were a weasel, you immediately climbed off me, at first staring at me, and then Weeping in disappointment, watching, crying, just like relatives and friends who have been sentenced to death.You want me to carry you to the station, want to buy as many bananas as possible, and come back with both hands full. When you return to the door, you are already sleeping on my shoulders, and the bananas in your hands have fallen somewhere.What admirable sincerity, spontaneity and enthusiasm this is!The so-called "silent", "reserved", and "profound" virtues in the adult world are all unnatural, sick, and fake compared with you! Every day you make trains, cars, serve wine, invite Bodhisattvas, build six-sided paintings, and sing songs, all automatically, creating a creative life.The cry of the grown-ups is "Natural!" "The art of life!" "The art of labor!" It's really embarrassing in front of you!Those who draw a few strokes and write a few articles are called artists and creators, and I am even more ashamed of you! Your creativity is much stronger than adults: Zhan Zhan!Your body is less than half of the chair, but you often have to move it and fall to the ground with it; you also have to turn a cup of tea sideways to hide it in the drawer, you want the ball to stop on the wall, and you have to hold the tail of the train , I want the moon to come out, and I want the sky to stop raining.In such small incidents, it clearly shows that your weak physical strength and intelligence are not enough to cope with the drive of your strong desire for creation and expression, so you have failed.However, you are creators who are not dominated by nature and not bound by human society, so when you encounter failures, such as when the tail of the train cannot be pulled, and the moon cannot breathe out, you will never admit that it is impossible. I always thought it was because your parents refused to help you do it, the same as not allowing you to make a chime clock, so I cried angrily, how vast your world is! You must think: what kind of strange and lifeless animals are the father who spends all day sitting on the desk in boredom and writing, and the mother who sits under the window and draws wires all day in a dull mood!I and your mother, whom you regard as strange animals, sometimes do make things difficult for you and destroy you. Looking back, I really feel very uneasy! Po!One night, when you took your new soft shoes and the shoes you took off, and put them on the legs of the stool, and your socks stood on the ground, proudly calling "Ah Bao has two feet, the stool has four legs", Your mother yells "Dirty socks!" and immediately puts you on the rattan cot and starts destroying your creations.When you squatted on the couch and watched your mother destroy it, you must have felt in your heart, "Mother is such a murderous and barbaric person"! Looking forward!One day Kaiming Bookstore sent several copies of Maobian's "Introduction to Music" which were newly published.I use a knife to cut the pages of the book one by one, and you stand by the table with your head tilted and read silently.Later, when I came back from school, you took a copy of "The Songs of Chu" printed on Chinese paper with continuous history on my bookshelf, cut it into more than ten pages, and said to me proudly: "Dad! Zhan Zhan It will be cut too!" Zhan Zhan!What a joy of success and what a proud work this has been to you!But I got a horrified "huh!" The words make you cry.At that time, you must have complained, "How ignorant my father is!" Soft!You often want to play with my strengths, and when I see it, I always ruthlessly snatch you away.Now you must be belittling me, thinking: "You finally want me to paint the cover of your art book!" The most uneasy thing is that sometimes I will bring a doctor Lu Lusha who you are most afraid of, and teach him to touch your belly with his big hands, and even cut your arms a few times with a knife. Mom and Mangu grabbed your hands and feet, pinched your noses, and poured very bitter water into your mouths.You must think this is an inhuman and barbaric move! children!If you really complain about me, I am happy; when your complaints turn into gratitude, my sorrow comes! In this world, I have never met people who are as selfless as you.The union of people in the world has never been as thoroughly true and pure as you.Most of all, I went to Shanghai to do boring so-called "things" and came back, or went to do a trick called "classing" with irrelevant people. When you waited for me at the gate or by the station, I felt so ashamed. Rejoice again!I am ashamed of why I do such boring things, and I am glad that I have to let go of everything for a while and join your real life group. However, your golden age is limited, and the reality is finally about to be exposed.This is a situation that I have experienced, and it is also a situation that adults have experienced.I saw the heroes and heroes among my childhood companions shrink back, obey, compromise, and submit one by one, to the point of being like sheep.So do I myself. "The future looks at the present, and the present looks at the past." You will also take this road soon! my children!I, who yearn for your life, want to keep this golden age forever in this book for you.However, this is really just like "flowers falling from a spider's web", leaving a little trace of spring.And by the time you understand my feelings, you are no longer such people, and my paintings have no proof in the world!What a sad thing! children Thinking back to four months ago, I felt like I was escorting prisoners. I suddenly dragged a group of children like little swallows out of the rented apartment in Shanghai, put them on the train, sent them back to the countryside, and locked them in a small bungalow.I still returned to the concession in Shanghai and lived alone for four months. What is the purpose of this move, what is the plan, and now I think about it, even I don't believe it.In fact, wills and plans are all vain and self-deceiving. What are they actually good for in life?It's just to win the sophistication of the world, play a few times of happy and sad feelings, and increase the scars in my heart! At that time, I went back to Shanghai alone, walked into the empty apartment, and these two sentences from the Shurangama Sutra kept floating in my mind: "The emptiness of the ten directions is in your heart, just like white clouds pointing in a clear place; besides, the worlds are in emptiness! " In the evening, I tidy up the room, and donate all the baskets, utensils, surplus salary, surplus rice, and other household odds and ends used in the past three years in the kitchen to the nearby small shop who came to help me with short-term labor son.There were only four pairs of worn-out children's shoes (for some unknown reason), which I did not give away, but neatly placed under my bed, and I often felt a nameless pleasure when I saw them afterwards.It wasn't until a few days later that a friend from the neighbor came over to chat and mentioned that the little shoes under the bed were sinister, and I realized my stupidity, so I took them off. Friends say I care about my children.I do care about my children, and there are times of suspense more often in solitude.But I think this concern and suspense, apart from instinct, seems to contain a stronger flavor.So I often ignore my own painting skills and poor writing skills, and I describe them at every turn.Because my children are all children, and the oldest is only nine years old, part of my concern and concern for my children is my concern and concern for children—children all over the world.How will I treat them when they are adults?I can't know it now, but I can infer that it must be different from now, because it no longer contains that kind of flavoring. Looking back on the leisurely and quiet life of living alone in the past four months, I also feel quite lovely and grateful.However, once I returned to the flat house in my hometown and was surrounded by a group of children, I couldn't help but hurt myself again.Because my kind of life, or sitting in meditation, or studying and searching, or perfunctory, socializing, compared with their innocent, healthy, and active lives, is obviously abnormal, sick, and disabled. One hot summer afternoon, I came home.In the evening of the second day, I took four children—nine-year-old Abao, seven-year-old Ruanruan, five-year-old Zhanzhan, and three-year-old Awei—to sit under the shade of Huaihua trees in the small courtyard. Eat watermelon on the ground.In the purple of the evening, the red smell of the sun gradually fades away, and the green smell of the cool night gradually intensifies.The breeze blows the children's hair like filaments, and the sweat on their bodies has disappeared. When they feel happy, the children seem to be full of joy in life, and they must vent.At first it was the performance of the music of a three-year-old child. When he was satisfied, he smiled and swayed, chewing watermelon while making a sound like "ngamngam" when a tabby cat steals food.The performance of this music immediately aroused the sympathy of the five-year-old Zhan Zhan, who then published his poem: "Zhan Zhan eats watermelon, sister Bao eats watermelon, Ruan Ruan eats watermelon, Awei eats watermelon." Immediately aroused the prose and mathematical interest of seven- and nine-year-old children: they immediately summed up the meaning of Zhan Zhan's verse and reported the result: "Four people eat four pieces of watermelon." So I became a judge, criticizing their works in my own mind.I think the three-year-old Awei's music expresses the most profound and complete expression, and the most comprehensive expression of his joyful feelings.The five-year-old Zhan Zhan has already discounted the translation of this joyful emotion into (his) poem; however, it is still a molecule with rhythm and melody, and there is still an active life flowing out.As for Ruan Ruan and A Bao's prose, mathematical, and conceptual expressions, they are more superficial in comparison.However, judging from their attitudes, they are completely immersed in the matter of eating watermelon, and their clear minds are much more complete than what adults have seen.The most sound eyes in the world are only children's possessions, and only children can see the truth of worldly things most clearly and completely.Compared with them, my mind has been blinded by worldly wisdom and dust, and I am a poor disabled person.I really dare not be called "father" by them, if "father" is revered. I temporarily set up a small table under the south window of the bungalow, on which manuscript paper, letter boxes, pens and inkstones, ink bottles, paste bottles, time watches, tea trays, etc. are arranged in a certain order, and I don’t like others to move them around at will. This is my habit when I live alone.I - we adults - usually behave in a cautious, careful, scrutinized, gentle way.For example, grinding ink, placing pens, pouring tea, etc., are done with care, so the arrangement on the table remains the same every day, and will not be damaged or disturbed.Because the tendons of my limbs have already developed a vigilant inertia due to repeated physics lessons.However, as soon as the children climbed on my desk, they disrupted my order, destroyed the composition on my table, and damaged my utensils.They picked up the fountain pen and flicked it, spilling ink spots on the table and skirts; they dipped the nib in the paste bottle.They pulled out the copper pen caps of the writing brushes vigorously, knocked over the teapot with the back of their hands, and smashed the lid on the floor... This really made me impatient at the time. Small cheeks.However, I immediately regretted it: after snorting, I immediately smiled, after taking it, I immediately returned it twice, and the hand that pricked my cheek softened halfway, and finally changed from praising to caressing. For at once I realized what was wrong: how perverse it was for me to ask my children to behave like myself!I—we grown-ups—be cautious in our behavior because the muscles in our limbs have been convulsed by all kinds of pressure from reality.The children still retain their gifted and sound skills and their simple and lively vitality, how can they be as poor as us? The courtesies of grown-ups, such as bowing, advancing and retreating, guiding, and judging, are like instruments of torture, all of which can kill the thief's natural and sound skills.Thus active people gradually turned into crippled with paralyzed limbs and hemiplegia.How perverse is it for the crippled man to expect the able-bodied to behave like himself! How are my children related to me?I was never prepared to be a father in this world, so I was always puzzled and felt very strange.I and them (now) are completely different world people, they are much smarter and healthier than me; yet they are my children.What a wonderful relationship this is!People in the world consider having children under their knees to be happy, and hope to have children to perpetuate themselves. I really don't understand their psychology.I think that the most natural and reasonable relationship between people in the world is friends.The relationship between monarch and minister, father and son, brother and sister, and husband and wife is nothing more than a friendship in a broad sense when it is very natural and reasonable.Therefore, friendship is the foundation of all human relationships. "Friends are also of the same kind." People who are raised together on the earth are friends of the same kind and are children of nature.People in the world forget their big parents, but only know that they have young parents, thinking that parents can produce children, and children are born of parents, so children can perpetuate the ego of their parents and keep them alive.So those who have no children lament the ignorance of the way of heaven, those who have unworthy children hurt their destiny, and rush into the things in the cup.I really don't understand their psychology. Recently my heart has been occupied by four things: the gods and stars in the sky, the art and children in the world, this group of children like swallows are the children who have the deepest relationship with me in the world, they occupy the gods and stars in my heart , The same status as art. Send Po out of the golden age Bao, it has been fourteen years since you and I have been together in this world. During these five thousand days, we have been together almost every day, and it is rare for us to have separate days.I watched you fall to the ground, learn to speak, and watched you change from breastfeeding to eating, from crawling to striding.Your metamorphosis developed slightly and gradually without any trace, so that I didn't realize it at all, thinking that you were always a child of my family, always a kind of embellishment in our family, and always able to be a part of my life and your mother's. comforter.However, in recent years, changes in your attitude and behavior have gradually proved otherwise.You have grown into a young girl before we know it, and you are about to become a man.The ancients said, "You must not know the age of your parents. One is for joy and the other for fear." Now I am going against the words of the ancients. When sending you out of the golden age, I also feel mixed feelings of sorrow and joy. Fortunately, the changes in your attitude and behavior in recent years are all signs that you are going from a child to an adult.My hard work and your mother's hard work seem to have paid off, and I am congratulating myself.What is sad, your golden age is coming to an end, the reality is gradually exposed, you will stop your beautiful dream, and start the struggle of life, we seem to have lost a child who was close to us since childhood, and gained a new friendship bosom friend. "Happy, happy, new acquaintance"; however, A Bao, who was innocent in the past, will never see him again! I remember one day in the spring, I took your hand and walked on the road.The wind of falling flowers blows a burst of catkins on your hair, face, and lips, making you seem to have snowed and white beard.I hugged your shoulder with a smile and wiped it for you with a handkerchief. You also smiled, raised your head and leaned against me.This was a very common thing for us: before you ate every day, I washed your face with you.However, the people on the road stared at us and snickered at us, as if to say: "A girl of this age is still taught by her father to hug her and wipe her face on the road"!I suddenly saw that your body seemed to be tall and fully developed, from a neutral child to a full female.I suddenly felt that there seemed to be a very high, very strong, very thick invisible wall between you and me.You grew up in my arms and grew up in my support; but from now on, you and I will live in two worlds forever.For a moment I felt a deep sorrow in my heart.I blame you for not being a child forever and growing up. I blame why there is a distinction between men and women among human beings.However, after complaining, he immediately turned sadness into laughter.Suddenly realize that this is not a matter of course, is it a gratifying thing? I remember one day, I came back from Shanghai.You brothers and sisters hugged me as usual, waiting for me to take out "good things" from the suitcase to share.I gladly took out a bunch of chocolates and gave each of you a packet.Your younger brothers and sisters got this five-color gold and silver chocolate, and as usual, they made a big fuss and happily took it to try something new. You accepted this gift and expressed your joy, and followed your brothers and sisters.However, a few days later, I happened to look down from the window of the building, and saw beside the flower stand, you were holding a pack of newly opened chocolates, and you were distributing them to the three younger brothers and sisters.They fight over how much they dislike, and you are busy dividing it equally for them.Added a piece of five-color gold and silver wrapping paper to a piece of chocolate with a missing corner and gave it to the little sister, which was just three sides fair.They happily ate candy, and you also happily watched them eat.This surprises me.Eating Chocolate Gree has always been a great joy for my children.Because in the countryside, there are only sugar cakes wrapped in bamboo leaves and number one scholar cakes wrapped in straw paper, but no such colorful gold and silver candies;So every time I go to Shanghai, I must buy some and distribute them to the children to add fun to the family.Most of the children's longing for me to go home is because of this "good thing".You have always been one of the longing for this "good thing".You once gambled with your younger siblings who would be the last to eat it; you once accumulated five-color gold and silver tin foil to make gorgeous handicrafts, which made your younger siblings envious.What do you think this time, are you willing to hide your own bag and share it with your brothers and sisters?I saw that you were very happy after you divided them evenly for them. It was the same as when you finished eating after winning the bet, and you leaned upstairs and laughed alone.Because I recalled your childhood: Ten years ago, you were a troublemaker in my family, crying a few times every day because of dissatisfaction with your requirements, and being beaten by your mother a few times.When you eat eggs, you only need to eat the yolk, not the egg white. When your mother accidentally puts a chopstick of egg white in your rice bowl, you throw the rice grains and egg white on the table and shout at the same time, "Yellow! Yellow!" The better one is called "yellow".So one time you wanted a small chair to play with, and your mother gave you a small stool, and you yelled, "Yellow! Shouting "Porn! Want to be yellow!" You looked down on Ruanrou who was only one or two years old and unable to move.When eating, save the unpalatable food for Ruan Ruan to eat; when telling stories, assign the unfortunate characters to Ruan Ruan.When you ask your mother for something but don't allow it, you should ask loudly: "Is it wrong to be soft? Is it wrong to be soft?" What do you mean: Ruan Ruan is a very bad person, and his request can not be allowed; but Abao is a very important person, so there is no reason why his request should not be allowed?Those who don't allow it today are probably because of the wrong Ruanruan.So every time you remind your mother loudly, she must prove that Bao is upright and allow all requests.This troublemaker who blindly "wanted porn" and bullied the weak died there today ① Transliteration of English stick (cane). To increase the happiness of my brothers and sisters with my own happiness makes me feel both ridiculous and sad.All your previous ambitions and dreams have failed, and you have begun to curb your own demands, endure your own desires, and seek the happiness of others; you are about to walk out of the golden age of self-importance, and you are beginning to taste the sweetness of human love. I remember that one day last year, I would travel far away from home for necessary things.In the past, whenever I went out, you would be unhappy and try to stop me, or ask me to return early.Earlier, I had to hide it from you when I went out.Your brother couldn't find me later, so he had to cry a few times.I'm back, if the time is predicted, you often come to the door or halfway to greet me.The painting I drew titled "Daddy Hasn't Come yet" is based on the theme of you and your brother waiting for me to come home.Because I have used you as my comforters in the past ten years, talking stories, playing games, and eating with you every night, so that you all feel the warmth of family life, and there must be a father, so I refuse to let go I leave home.I was going out on this day last year, and your brothers and sisters still bid farewell to me and asked me to return early.I thought you were the same, and I was asking you when to go home and buy something, but you advised me to go early and return late, saying that you have all kinds of tricks to deceive your brothers and sisters to stop and wait.It turns out that you have heard from my conversation with your mother that I need to leave early and return late for this trip, and you have decided to share the hardships of life for me.My trip feels light, but also sad.Because my family will lose a happy child of the golden age. The above are all things in the past, but they are always on my mind, so that I can't forget them.Now, you are a middle school student, and soon you will leave the golden age completely and enter the world of adults.I think your trip is more important than getting married.The ancients sent their daughters to marry in a poem saying: "The child was brought up by the elders, and the two will cry endlessly. This is a heartache, and the righteousness is hard to stay." When you come out of the golden age, the "righteousness" is harder than getting married. ", can I have a "cold" in this regard?So now to trace my feelings, write this article to send you.Where you will go from now on is the world described in this album of paintings.I'm very worried about your trip.Because this is like sending you away from your loving parents and marrying you into the house of an evil aunt, just like the previous poem said: "I have been taught from a young age, and I am worried about things." What kind of attitude should I take? Decide for you.But I hope you will work hard to love yourself, and don't worry about me. About ten years ago, I made a collection of paintings describing your golden age ("Zikai's Paintings").Its preface ("To My Children") once had such words: "My children! I look forward to your life more than once a day! I want to condescend to say it so that you may know it for yourselves.It's a pity that when you understand my words, you will no longer be the people I can look forward to.What a sad thing! ""But your golden age is limited, and the reality is finally about to be exposed.This is a situation that I have experienced, and it is also a situation that adults have experienced.I saw the heroes and heroes among my childhood companions shrink back, obey, compromise, and surrender one by one, to the point of being like sheep.So do I myself.The future looks at the present, just as the present looks at the past, and you will also take this road soon! "The scene when I wrote these words is still vivid, but now you really "understand my words"!" Sure enough, I have to "go this way"!Impermanence is swift, and I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it! At the end of 1934, a selection of recent comics, named "Human Xiang", published by Fu Kaiming.After finishing the selection, comparing it with "Zikai's Painting Collection" published ten years ago, I feel that the taste of painting is very different.After reading the preface, I feel a big difference in my mood.So I wrote this article, thinking of the post-production of "Phase in the World". Interview with Nanying Nan Ying is the daughter of my eldest son Hua Zhan.One night at the beginning of July, Hua Zhan called from his small family in Jiangwan, saying that the nanny left suddenly. Sent here to be handed over to grandparents.Of course we welcome it.At dusk, a car took Nan Ying and his parents to my house, where they lived on the third floor.Hua Zhan and Zhi Rong sometimes come back to sleep with her at night; sometimes they stay in Jiangwan for morning classes, where my nanny Ying'e sleeps with her. The next morning, I saw Ying'e holding the baby and teaching her to call her father-in-law.But she just looked at me, expressionless.I didn't pay attention either, because she couldn't talk, walk, or cry. It seemed like a new big foreign girl had been bought in the family, and I didn't feel that there was an increase in population. After about two months of silence, I was working upstairs and gradually heard Nanying's crying and learning to speak.她最初会说的一句话是"阿姨"。这是对英娥有所要求时叫出的。但是后来发音渐加变化："阿呀"，"阿咦"，"阿也"。这就变成了欲望不满足时的抗议声。譬如她指着扶梯要上楼，或者指着门要到街上去，而大人不肯抱她上来或出去，她就大喊"阿呀！阿呀！"语气中仿佛表示： "阿呀！这一点要求也不答应我！" 第二句会说的话是"公公"。然而也许是"咯咯"，就是鸡。因为阿姨常常抱她到外面去看邻家的鸡，她已经学会"咯咯"这句话。后来教她叫"公公"，她不会发鼻音，也叫"咯咯"；大人们主观地认为她是叫"公公"，欢欣地宣传： "南颖会叫公公了！"我也主观地高兴，每次看见了，一定抱抱她，体验着古人"含饴弄孙"之趣。然而我知道南颖心里一定感到诧异："一只鸡和一个出胡须的老人，都叫做咯咯，人的语言真奇怪！" 此后她的语汇逐渐丰富起来：看见祖母会叫"阿婆"；看见鸭会叫"Ｇａ－Ｇａ"；看见挤乳的马会叫"马马"；要求上楼时会叫"尤尤"（楼楼）；要求出外时会叫"外外"；看见邻家的女孩子会叫"几几"（姊姊）。从此我逐渐亲近她，常常把她放在膝上，用废纸画她所见过的各种东西给她看，或者在画册上教她认识各种东西。她对平面形象相当敏感：如果一幅大画里藏着一只鸡或一只鸭，她会找出来，叫"咯咯"、"Ｇａ－Ｇａ"。她要求很多，意见很多；然而发声器官尚未发达，无法表达她的思想，只能用"嗯，嗯，嗯，嗯"或哭来代替言语。有一次她指着我案上的文具连叫"嗯，嗯，嗯，嗯"。 我知道她是要那支花铅笔，就对她说："要笔，是不是？"她不嗯了，表示是。我就把花铅笔拿给她，同时教她："说笔！"她的嘴唇动动，笑笑，仿佛在说："我原想说笔，可是我的嘴巴不听话呀！" 在这期间，南颖会自己走路了。起初扶着凳子或墙壁，后来完全独步了；同时要求越多，意见越多了。她欣赏我的手杖，称它为"都都"。因为她看见我常常拿着手杖上车子去开会，而车子叫"都都"，因此手杖也就叫"都都"。她要求我左手抱了她，右手拿着拐杖走路。更进一步，要求我这样地上街去买花。这种事我不胜任，照理应该拒绝。然而我这时候自己已经化作了小孩，觉得这确有意思，就鼓足干劲，一手抱着孩子，一手拿着拐杖，走出里门，在人行道上慢慢地踱步。有一个路人向我注视了一会，笑问："老伯伯，你抱得动么？"我这才觉悟了我的姿态的奇特：凡拿手杖，总是无力担负自己的身体，所以叫手杖扶助的；可是现在我左手里却抱着一个十五、六个月的小孩！这矛盾岂不可笑？ 她寄居我家一共五个多月。前两个多月象洋囡囡一般无声无息；可是后三个多月她的智力迅速发达，眼见得由洋囡囡变成了一个人，一个全新的人。一切生活在她都是初次经验，一切人事在她都觉得新奇。记得《西青散记》的序言中说："予初生时，怖夫天之乍明乍暗，家人曰：昼夜也。怪夫人之乍有乍无，家人曰：生死也。"南颖此时的观感正是如此。 在六十多年前，我也曾有过这种观感。然而六十多年的世智尘劳早已把它磨灭殆尽，现在只剩得依稀仿佛的痕迹了。由于接近南颖，我获得了重温远昔旧梦的机会，瞥见了我的人生本来面目。有时我屏绝思虑，注视着她那天真烂漫的脸，心情就会迅速地退回到六十多年前的儿时，尝到人生的本来滋味。这是最深切的一种幸福，现在只有南颖能够给我。三个多月以来我一直照管她，她也最亲近我。虽然为她相当劳瘁，但是她给我的幸福足可以抵偿。她往往不讲情理，恣意要求。 例如当我正在吃饭的时候定要我抱她到"尤尤"去；深夜醒来的时候放声大哭，要求到"外外"去。然而越是恣意，越是天真，越是明显地衬托出世间大人们的虚矫，越是使我感动。所以华瞻在江湾找到了更宽敞的房屋，请到了保姆，要接她回去的时候，我心中发生了一种矛盾：在理智上乐愿她回到父母的新居，但在感情上却深深地对她惜别，从此家里没有了生气篷勃的南颖，只得象杜甫所说："寂寞养残生"了。 那一天他们准备十点钟动身，我在九点半钟就悄悄地拿了我的"都都"，出门去了。 我十一点钟回家，家人已经把壁上所有为南颖作的画揭去，把所有的玩具收藏好，免得我见物怀人。其实不必如此，因为这毕竟是"欢乐的别离"；况且江湾离此只有一小时的旅程，今后可以时常来往。不过她去后，我闲时总要想念她。并不是想她回来，却是想她作何感想。十七、八个月的小孩，不知道世间有"家庭"、"迁居"、"往来"等事。她在这里由洋囡囡变成人，在这里开始有知识；对这里的人物、房屋、家具、环境已经熟悉。她的心中已经肯定这里是她的家了。忽然大人们用车子把她载到另一个地方，这地方除了过去晚上有时看到的父母之外，保姆、房屋、家具、环境都是陌生的。 "一向熟悉的公公、阿婆、阿姨哪里去了？一向熟悉的那间屋子哪里去了？一向熟悉的门巷和街道哪里去了？这些人物和环境是否永远没有了？"她的小头脑里一定发生这些疑问。然而无人能替她解答。 我想用事实来替她证明我们的存在，在她迁去后一星期，到江湾去访问她。坐了一小时的汽车，来到她家门前。一间精小的东洋式住宅门口，新保姆抱着她在迎接我。南颖向我凝视片刻，就要我抱，看看我手里的"都都"。然而目光呆滞，脸无笑容，很久默默不语，显然表示惊奇和怀疑。我推测她的小心里正在想："原来这个人还在。怎么在这里出现？那间屋子存在不存在？阿婆、阿姨和几几存在不存在？"我要引起她回忆，故意对她说："尤尤"，"公公，都都，外外，买花花。"她的目光更加呆滞了，表情更加严肃了，默默无言了很久。我想这时候她的小心境中大概显出两种情景。其一是： 走上楼梯，书桌上有她所见惯的画册、笔砚、烟灰缸、茶杯；抽斗里有她所玩惯的显微镜、颜料瓶、图章、打火机；四周有特地为她画的小图画。其二是：电车道旁边的一家鲜花店、一个满面笑容的卖花人和红红绿绿的许多花；她的小手手拿了其中的几朵，由公公抱回家里，插在茶几上的花瓶里。但不知道这时候她心中除了惊疑之外，是喜是悲，是怒是慕。 我在她家逗留了大半天，乘她沉沉欲睡的时候悄悄地离去。她照旧依恋我。这依恋一方面使我高兴，另一方面又使我惆怅：她从热闹的都市里被带到这幽静的郊区，笼闭在这沉寂的精舍里，已经一个星期，可能尘心渐定。今天我去看她，这昙花一现，会不会促使她怀旧而增长她的疑窦？我希望不久迎她到这里来住几天，再用事实来给她证明她的旧居的存在。