Chapter 66 Bashi Shuai

I never thought that I could live to be 80 years old; now I have lived to be 80 years old, but I don't feel 80 years old at all.Isn't it a strange thing! I have no ambitions, including the age I live.Neither of my parents lived to 50; therefore, my own original plan was to live to 50.This has surpassed the parents, which is very good.Somehow, like a dream, I lived to be 50 years old.There was a so-called three-year natural disaster, and I was unlucky, so I suffered from hunger for a while.However, I was a "waste of water", and I was in Germany during the Second World War, and I lost my sense of fullness through the now unimaginable hunger.Compared with Germany, our little disaster is nothing; I survived that disaster smoothly, and my mental outlook at that time was the best period of my life, and I didn’t feel any pain. Unconsciously, I broke through my original age plan and passed the 50-year-old mark.

Once 50 is over, it is like a spring dream, and I have reached the age of seventy, and I am not allowed to reflect or hesitate.During this period, a decade of catastrophe passed.Of course I was doomed and sent to the bullpen.I don't know which gods to thank now: Buddha, God, Allah; because of a very accidental chance, I did not go to the end and survived.I survived, not only did I not feel particularly happy, but I felt a sense of regret biting my heart from time to time.Survived, maybe still a little bit of good.The climax of my writing and translation in my life happened precisely during this period.The reason is not mysterious: I have gained slack and time.During the catastrophe, I was beaten so that one Buddha was born and two Buddhas ascended to heaven.Later, I stopped beating and scolding, but I became an "untouchable person".For a long time, I was assigned to dig manure, watch the porter, guard the phone, and send letters.No previous meetings, no previous statements.No one dared to come to me, and few had the courage to have a few words with me.Within a year or two, I did not receive a single letter.I obey anyone's dispatch and command, only dare to behave well, and dare not talk or act.But my head is still there, my thoughts are still there, my emotions are still there, and my reason is still there.I'm not willing to be the walking dead, I have to do something.The Indian epic "Ramayana" with more than two million words was translated at this time. "Writing forbidden articles behind closed doors on a snowy night", he said that the joy was not diminished by Master Xihuang.

It seems to be a vague spring dream, and I have lived to this day all of a sudden, at the age of 80, which is what the ancients called an octogenarian.Going back twenty or thirty years, I, a person who has no ambitions in life, occasionally thinks about the situation in my octogenarian years: walking on crutches, with white beard and floating chest, walking with difficulty, and old age.I claim that this kind of thing has nothing to do with me, so I don't think too much about it.How did I know that I have reached this age today.Today is New Year's Day, and from midnight onwards, I have become an out-and-out 80-year-old man.However, this old scene is really like the saying in the ancient poems that "the green mist enters and sees nothing", and I can't see any old scene.Take a look at your own body, it is normal, it is the same as in the past, take a look at the surrounding environment, it is normal, it is the same as in the past.The golden morning sun streamed in through the window, just like in the past.The white poplar in front of the building is indeed a little thicker, but it still looks ordinary, the same as before.The season is winter and the leaves are all gone, but I believe that they are curling up in the soil, dreaming of spring.The lotus in the pond is only left with residual leaves, "leave the lotus withered to listen to the sound of the rain", now the rain is gone, and there is only white snow on it.I believe that the lotus flowers are also curled up in the mud, dreaming of spring.In short, I am still me, still the same; everything around me is still the same as before...

Am I also dreaming of spring?I think, yes.I am also in the severe cold right now, and I am also dreaming of the arrival of spring.I believe in the two words of the British poet Shelley: "Since winter has come, can spring be far behind?" I dreamed that the aspen in front of the building grew thick green leaves again; I dreamed that the lotus in the pond re-emerged Large pale green leaves; I dream of spring returning to the earth. But I never thought that the number "80" would have such a great power, a mysterious power. "I'm already 80 years old!" I thought to myself in amazement.It forces me to look forward and back.Looking forward, it is a gray mass, the road is not clear, but it is not very long.There really isn't much to look at.It doesn't matter if you don't look at it.

Looking back, I can clearly see a road in the gray mass. The road is extremely long, and I walked it step by step. The top of this road is Guanzhuang in Qingping County.I saw a gray-yellow earth house, with the water in the reed pond shining in the middle, and the faces of my grandmother and mother.The road stretched out, and I saw Daming Lake in Quancheng.This road stretched out again, and I saw Shuimu Tsinghua University, and then I saw the colorful autumn colors of the German town of Göttingen, with the faces of my landlady like my mother and the old professor like my grandfather floating on it.The road suddenly turned back to the land of China from thousands of miles away. I saw the red building and the shadow of the lake and tower in Yanyuan.What was frustrating and distasteful was that I saw again the ferocious face of the head prisoner in the cowshed.Looking further, the road narrowed until it reached my feet.

On this very long road, I walked through Yangguan Avenue and a small single-plank bridge.There are deep mountains and great swamps on the roadside, and there are also pleasant flat slopes; there are spring rains with apricot blossoms, and autumn winds in the northern part of the country;The road is too long, the time is too long, there are too many shadows, and the memories are too heavy.I really felt that I couldn't afford it, I couldn't bear it, and I wanted to get rid of everything and be free again. Since looking back is so heavy, can we look forward?As I said above, looking forward, the road is not very long, and there is nothing to see.Now I am just like a passer-by in Lu Xun's prose poem "Passing Passer".He didn't know where he came from, and finally walked to the front of the old man and the little girl's earthen hut, begging for some water.Seeing that he was exhausted, the old man advised him to take a rest.He said, "I've been walking this way for as long as I can remember, going to a place, and this place is up ahead. I just remember walking a lot, and now I'm here. I'm going to Go over there... besides, there are voices in front of me constantly urging me, calling me, making me restless." Over there, what is the west side?The old man said: "In front is the grave." The little girl said: "No, no, no. There are many wild lilies and wild roses there. I often go to play and see them."

I understand the mood of this passer-by, and I am also a passer-by, but there is never any voice urging me to go, but like anyone else in the world, I have to go, and I have to go without urging.Where are you going?Go to the tomb on the west side, which is the destination of all people.I remember this meaning was also mentioned in a prose poem by Turgenev.I'm not afraid of graves, but after walking such a long way, I really want to stop and rest for a while.But I can't, whether you like it or not, you have to go anyway.The consolation is that I am not the same as that old man, and I am quite similar to that little girl in some places. I saw the grave as well as wild lilies and wild roses.

How many roads are there in front of me?I can't tell, and I haven't thought about it.Mr. Feng Youlan said: "It's not limited to rice? Tea is used to date." "Mi" is 88 years old, and "tea" is 108 years old.I don't have such ambitions, I'm "meeting each other".Does this count as ambitious?I am a person without great ambitions, and I think this is considered a great ambition. I used to have some ideas about Qiongtongshouyao.After ten years of catastrophe, I became Tao Yuanming's like-minded person.One of his poems, which I admire a lot:

In the midst of the waves, Neither happy nor afraid. as much as possible, No worries about being alone. I am now holding this spirit and stepping forward boldly.Whenever possible, I must do something good for others, and I never want to be a walking dead.I know that the road ahead will not be straighter or smoother than the past.But I am not afraid.The shadows of wild lilies and wild roses flashed before my eyes. January 1, 1991