Chapter 46 miss arbor

It has been more than a year since Comrade Qiao Mu left us.I have tried to write some nostalgic words many times, but I have failed.Is it because I don't have deep feelings for this friend of my youth, and I don't miss it?No, no, absolutely not.It is precisely because I miss the true feelings deeply that I hesitate to start writing, for fear of desecrating this nostalgic feeling.Today, sadness has gradually given way to nostalgia, and it is time to write. I met Qiao Mu at Tsinghua University.I was less than twenty years old at the time, and he was a year younger than me, even younger.I study foreign languages ​​and he studies history.How we met, I can't remember now.Anyway we got to know each other.At that time he was engaged in anti-KMT underground activities (he later told me that he was not yet a party member).He founded a night school for the children of workers and invited me to attend classes.I did go to class too, in the tall building with "Tsinghua Academy" embedded outside the door.One night, he sat on the head of my bed in the dark and advised me to participate in revolutionary activities.Although I hate the KMT, I have low awareness and am afraid of taking risks.So, despite his earnest efforts and repeated persuasion, I, a stubborn rock, just didn't nod.I seem to see his eyes shining in the dark.Finally, I heard him sigh and left my room.In the morning, in our washbasin in the bathroom, we can often find revolutionary leaflets, mimeographed by hand.We all knew in our hearts where this came from, but no one reported it to the school leaders.From then on, they lived in peace until one or two years later, when Qiao Mu fled to the south in order to avoid the persecution of the Kuomintang.

After that, I taught for a year after graduating from Tsinghua University, and went to Germany with another Qiaomu (Qiao Guanhua, later named "South Qiaomu" and Hu Qiaomu named "North Qiaomu") and lived there for 10 years.At this time, Qiao Mu had already arrived in Yan'an and started his well-known career.We have completely walked two roads, as if the sky and the sky are separated, "the world and things are two vast". By the time I returned to China in 1946, the Liberation War was raging.In 1949, the People's Liberation Army finally entered the city of Beijing.Just at the turn of spring and summer of this year, I suddenly received a letter from Zhongnanhai.The letter began: "Do you still remember a comrade named Hu Dingxin when I was in Tsinghua University? That is me, Hu Qiaomu today." Of course I remember, and a ray of nostalgia suddenly lingered in my heart.In his letter, he told me that the situation has changed suddenly, and the country needs a large number of talents who study oriental issues and who are proficient in oriental languages.He asked me if I agreed to merge the Nanjing Oriental Language College, a part of the Central University's Department of Frontier Affairs, and the Frontier College into Peking University.I agreed.So for a while, the Department of Oriental Languages ​​was the largest department in Peking University.In the past, there were only a few people in the department, but now it is bustling with people, and it is very lively.

I remember that not long after this, Qiao Mu came to see me in Cuihua Hutong where I lived, and said as soon as he entered the door: "A few articles written by Professor Ma Jian from the Department of Eastern Languages... Mr. Mao likes it very much, please pass it on to Professor Ma." I probably know that we are not used to saying "Chairman Mao", so we used the word "Mr. Mao".I thought it was very fresh at the time, so I still don’t forget it. In 1951, the Chinese government sent the first large-scale overseas delegation after the founding of the People's Republic of my country: a cultural delegation to India and Burma.Qiao Mu asked me if I would like to participate, of course I am very willing.It is undoubtedly a pity that I have studied ancient Indian culture but have never been to India.Now a golden opportunity has fallen from the sky to make up for this shortcoming.So I traveled to India and Burma, leaving an unforgettable impression, of course, thanks to Qiao Mu.

However, I am a person who can't get on the platform, and I am very afraid of meeting officials.Both Qiao Mu are my friends, and they are both high officials now.I don't like visiting people, especially officials, no matter how close they are, they are no exception.In the early days of liberation, I asked Qiao Guanhua from Nanqiaomu to give a report to Peking University students.I remember meeting Ai Siqi on the way when I was sending him out.The two of them obviously knew each other well.Ai said: "You also came to Peking University to sell melons!" Qiao said: "You are only allowed to sell melons, but I am not allowed to sell melons?" They laughed at each other.Since then, I have never dealt with Qiao Guanhua again, and I have had very little dealings with Bei Qiaomu.

To be honest, my two friends, North and South Erqiaomu, have no official airs.I hate people putting on airs, but some people like to put on airs.This is an expression of extreme bad taste.My policy is: courtesy first, soldiers later.No matter how high an official you are, I'm always polite when I first meet you.If you give me a little official record, I will stop talking to you from now on.They didn't say hello when they met each other.Intellectuals have always been stinky and tough, anyway, I never want to climb up, I have absolutely nothing to ask of you, and you have absolutely nothing to do with me.The official shelf is carried out by the person who carries the sedan chair.If there is no one to carry the sedan chair, where does the shelf come from?Therefore I hate the person who carries the sedan chair more than the person who sits on the sedan chair.If someone says this is madness, I will just wait for the autumn wind to pass by my ears.

However, Qiao Mu definitely does not belong to this category of officials.His official position became bigger and bigger, and his status became higher and higher. He was hailed as a "talent within the party" and a "big hand". He seems to be in charge of ideological power and is famous all over the world.However, he did not forget the old man.Especially after the "Cultural Revolution", we all have our own experiences.Although we haven't talked face to face, we know each other well.He came to see me at my house, but I never went to his house once.If someone gave him good rice, he would also give me a copy.He went to Beidaihe to recuperate, and brought back many huge sea crabs, and he did not forget to send me a basket.He's not a millionaire, and he probably paid for it all himself.According to the old Chinese rules: to come and not to go is indecent.Reciprocate, I should have given something back, but I never gave Qiao Mu any food.What kind of psychology is this?I don't know myself.Could it be that the old Chinese intellectuals, the traditional mentality of outstanding intellectuals are at work?

In the winter of 1986, the students of Peking University had some patriotic activities, which was a little "unsettled".Qiao Mu was probably a little anxious.One day he asked my son to tell me that he wanted to talk to me and find out the real situation.But he didn't dare to come to Peking University, because he was afraid that the students would do something to him, and even surrounded his car, asking if I would like to go to him.I agreed.So he sent his own car to pick me up with my son and granddaughter to where he lives in Zhongnanhai.It had just snowed outside and it was freezing cold.The house he lived in was very tall and huge, and it was as warm as spring inside.His whole family came out to accompany him.He invited them and my son and granddaughter to play in another room, leaving just the two of us sitting next to each other.To make it clear, he first declared: "Today we are meeting with old friends. You are not a member of the Politburo or a secretary of the Secretariat in front of you, but an old friend of 60 years." Of course I fully understand what he meant, and I put my views on young students as The beans were poured out of the bamboo tube, and the truth was revealed without any concealment.We talked all morning and it was just me talking.The gist of what I said is actually very simple: young students are patriotic.The only correct attitude for the superiors and elders is understanding and love, induction and education.Excessive words and deeds of individual people can be ignored.Finally, Qiao Mu spoke: He completely agreed with me and said that he wanted to take my opinion to the Politburo.I was very happy to get Qiao Mu's consent.He invites me to lunch.Their whole family, headed by his wife, Comrade Gu Yu, sat around a very large round table with three generations of our grandparents and grandchildren.What surprised me was that they ate so meagerly, which had nothing to do with the delicacies of mountains and seas, bird's nest and shark's fin that most people imagined.It was clear what kind of official Qiao Mu was.

Once, Qiao Mu wanted to invite me to visit Dunhuang, Gansu with him.I politely declined.It's not that I'm not happy to go out with him, I'm happy.However, when I think of the scene of being courteous and respectful to the officials of the Central Committee, and the grand occasion of high-rise buildings and subordinates like clouds, my old problem of not being able to be on the stage reappeared. , I am disgusted, bored, intolerable.Out of sight is out of sight, it is better to stay at home honestly. Over the past few years, Arbor's nostalgia seems to have grown stronger.He said to me several times: "Old friends see each other less often!" I was a little surprised.I'm a year older than him, and I haven't had such an idea yet.However, I seem to understand his mood.One day, he came to Peking University to participate in an exhibition.After the meeting, I specially accompanied him to Yannan Garden to see Lin Geng, an old classmate from Tsinghua University.From there, I called Wu Zuxiang, but no one answered the phone.Qiao Mu told me that when they were in Tsinghua University, the two of them joined an underground revolutionary organization together, and they wanted to meet the group, but they couldn't do so, and they were extremely dismayed.I thought to myself: No this time, see you next time.How could he know that he would not show up next time.Qiao Mu and his group finally failed to meet each other, and left the world.This can also be said to hold grudges all day long.Did Qiao Mu already have a premonition?

The last time he came to my house, his wife, Comrade Gu Yu, accompanied him.My son is also here.Later, Gu Yu and my son went outside the building to chat with the secretary and the driver, and Qiao Mu and I were the only ones left in the room.I suddenly recalled the meeting in Zhongnanhai a few years ago.The same meeting, the environment is very different.That time it was in a very tall, spacious and magnificent hall.This time it was in a pile of low, narrow, dirty and messy books.Qiao Mu was still speaking in his slow and deep voice.I thank him for the collection of poems and essays he signed for me.He praised my achievements in academic research and used several exaggerated words.I suddenly felt terrified and uneasy.I said: "You have achieved much greater and more achievements than me!" In this regard, he didn't say much, just sighed slightly, and said in a soft voice: "That's another code. It's okay." I couldn't say anything more.The conversation is not short, and it seems that the words have not been finished.He finally got up to say goodbye.I watched his car turn around the small lake before slowly returning home.How could I have thought that this would be the last time Qiao Mu would come to my house?

About the year before last, I suddenly heard that Qiao Mu was suffering from an incurable disease.I was taken aback, as if I had been shot in the head. "Siren are also people, but there are also diseases." Is Tiandao really like this?I have no other way but to hope.This time, I really wanted to make an exception and take the initiative to visit him at his home.However, my son told me that Qiao Mu would not let me see him no matter what.I had to obey his arrangement.It's impossible to say that I don't miss him in my heart.There are not many old friends in the world who have been friends for more than sixty years.

Time passed like this. In August and September last year, he entrusted his wife to tell my son that I should go to the hospital to see him.I understand his feelings very well: this is the last farewell to me.With a heavy heart, I went with my son to the hospital where he was staying.The ward is as spacious and grand as Zhongnanhai's house, but my mood can't be compared with that time when I entered Zhongnanhai. This time I came to say goodbye to an old friend.Qiao Mu was lying on his back on the hospital bed, breathing oxygen in his mouth.There are also some devices for drips beside the bed.He looked a little excited when he saw me coming, grabbed my hand and didn't let go for a long time.It seemed that he knew that this was the last time he would shake his old friend's hand.However, his demeanor is serene, his mind is clear, and there is no expression of pain at all.He still spoke in his usual slow voice.He once read some of my articles in "People" magazine. For some reason, he suddenly remembered it now, and said repeatedly: "Well written! Well written!" At this moment, I have mixed feelings, and I promise him After the book is published, he must give him a copy.I know it's just empty lies.This hollowness haunts my ears and makes my own hair stand cold.But what can I say if I don't say this? This was the last time I saw Qiao Mu.After a while, he left the world.According to the practice of some intellectuals in ancient China, after publication, I should burn a copy on his grave as a gift to his spirit in heaven.However, according to Qiao Mu's will, his ashes have been scattered in the place where he was revolutionary, and there is not even a single urn left.He "comes and goes naked without any worries".However, for me, the post-deceased, it is extremely difficult to dispel.Facing this little book, my eyes were blurred with tears, and my soul was broken. In all fairness, although Qiao Mu appears serious and unsmiling, he is actually an upright person, a decent person, a person with exceptionally rich emotions, and a person who has escaped from vulgar interests. He couldn't help but feel the turmoil in the officialdom for 60 years, but he never revealed it to me.He probably knows that I am not a person in this way at all, and it is useless to say it... I have known you for 60 years.Before he was alive, I avoided him intentionally, and rarely approached him on my own initiative.This is my nature and cannot be changed.For more than a year after his death, I don't know why, but I often think of him.Like an old cow regurgitating its cud, I recalled the process of our 60-year relationship, and suddenly felt a sense of confidant.This is something I've never felt before.Now I feel more and more that Qiao Mu understands me.It's good to have a confidant.However, it has intensified my nostalgia and sorrow.It's hard to say whether this is good or bad. As I grow older, I now feel more and more that the situation of the post-dead is not good in the world.The older he gets, the more relatives and friends he has left before him, and the accumulation of nostalgia and grief in his heart becomes thicker and thicker, to an unbearable level.What's more, I am a person whose feelings often exceed my needs, and this burden in my heart is even heavier.Qiao Mu's death undoubtedly added an extremely heavy burden to my heart.Is there any way I can get rid of this burden?I can't tell myself.I look at the white snow outside the window, I think very far, very far. Early morning of November 28, 1993