Chapter 12 i write me

I write about myself, which is really a wonderful topic; however, my article is not necessarily good, or even very bad. Everyone has an "I", and the two are inseparable because they are actually one thing.It stands to reason that people should have a very good understanding of their "I"; however, in reality they are not.In my opinion, most people don't understand themselves, they think too highly of themselves.This has become a great philosophical question in human history.Otherwise, wouldn't the ancient Greek philosopher's lion's roar: "Know yourself!" be empty words?

I think I know myself, in other words, a little self-aware.I often analyze myself as Mr. Lu Xun said.It didn't turn out pretty, though, I was a little too dissected, I was too self-aware, and sometimes I really felt useless. Where does this manifest itself? Take writing an article as an example.As far as academic articles are concerned, I don't think "articles are my own good".There aren't many academic papers that I'm really satisfied with.On the contrary, I think other people's academic articles, including those of some younger generations, are good.Why do you feel this way?I haven't got an answer yet.

Let's talk about literature again.In middle school, although my friends gave me the nickname "poet", in fact I did not write poetry seriously.As for prose, I have written it, and I have written it for more than 60 years, with a total of 700,000 to 800,000 words.However, there are only a handful of people who are truly satisfied.On the other hand, other people's prose is really good and very limited.What is the reason for this?I haven't got an answer either. I have my own opinion on good and bad conduct.What's good?What is bad?I don't understand ethics, I don't have profound theories, so I can only speak a few plain words.In my opinion, it is bad to think only of oneself and only consider personal interests.On the contrary, it is good to be considerate of others and consider their interests.For the sake of himself and for others, the latter can be more than half, he is a good person.If it is less than half, it is a bad person; if it is too low, it is a bad person.

Using this yardstick to measure myself, I can only admit that I am a good person.Although I have a lot of selfish distractions, in general, I consider other people's interests more than half.As for telling the truth and lying, this is of course also a measure of character.I've told a lot of lies because I couldn't live without it.But I still dare to tell the truth.My truth always far outweighs my lies.Therefore I am a good person. For a self-proclaimed good person like me, what is the interest in life?I am an emotional person and a person with many interests.But in fact, after living for 80 years, in the end, I feel that I am boring and dry, like a dead tree, with only trunk and branches, without a flower or a green leaf.The so-called knowledge that I engage in is called a "book from heaven" by others.Some specialized academic works written by myself are regarded as mysterious by others.At the age of 80, I had some fantasies in the past. I wanted to change my life, reduce a little bit of boring, add a little bit of moisture, bloom a little flower and grow a little green leaf on the dry branches; but until today, I am still busy. I am busy, sometimes I go around all day long, "making wedding clothes for others", and I have no days to retire, and the road is poor, which is lamentable and ridiculous!

In my life, I am similar to other people. I have walked across the Yangguan Avenue and the single-plank bridge.Ups and downs, twists and turns, came all the way.I have to admit that I have been lucky, and the success I have gained, the fame I have gained, are not worthy of the name.On the other hand, my misfortunes also had very human consequences.In the appalling so-called "Great Revolution", because he dared to speak out, he almost lost his life.The pain of flesh and blood is also unforgettable forever. Now, the journey of my life is coming to an end.I often recall the course of the past 80 years with a lot of emotion.I once asked myself a question: If there really is such a creator who would give me grace and allow me to be reincarnated as a human in the next life, would I still walk the path I took in this life?After some deliberation, my answer is: I still have to go this way.But there is a proviso: let me be thicker-skinned, darker in my heart, consider my own interests more, and be less self-aware.

November 16, 1992