Chapter 17 Cowshed Life (3)

(11) Special seats I myself have fallen into hell.However, due to the shallowness of the roots, I didn't know for a long time that there are still different levels in hell.Doesn’t Buddhism have eighteen levels of hell? I have to start from the beginning, and I need to say a little longer.There was a student in the Department of Biology named Zhang Guoxiang.I don't seem to have seen him when the bullpen was first built.He came later.As for why he came here, and how he came here, that is the matter of Nie Ji's Peking University Revolutionary Committee. We "criminals" really have no right to ask questions, and we dare not ask questions.After he arrived at the compound, he immediately showed a tendency to stand out from the crowd.From the looks of it, he is not a big boss, but just an ordinary pawn.But there are so many things to manage, and the hands are very long.I often see him on his bicycle—a bicycle confiscated from a "criminal" home. All the finances of the "criminals" belonged to this group of prison bosses, and they took whatever they wanted to go to the "criminals"' home.Even the lives of the "criminals" are not owned by themselves - they go around in circles in the big yard for entertainment.This is a very prominent and eye-catching behavior in that eerie and silent "cowshed".

Some nights, after the evening lectures, and even after the "prisoners" went to bed at ten o'clock, in the yard under the big elm tree, the lights were still bright, this Mr. Zhang, sitting on a chair, raised his right hand Legs, put your feet on the chair, and use your hands to pick between the toes.Before him stands a "criminal" with bowed head.He asked some questions, and occasionally reprimanded and cursed the "criminal" loudly.I'm used to seeing this kind of reprimand and scolding.But his sitting posture is very fresh to me, and the image left in my mind will never be forgotten.What was even more memorable to me was that one night, standing in front of him with his head bowed was Lu Ping, the former president and party secretary of Peking University, one of the leaders of the December 9th Movement, and a former vice minister of the Ministry of Railways.He was the main person named and attacked by the "Lafayette" who posted a big-character poster.When the gang compound was first built, he was the chief "offender", and he was imprisoned somewhere else, and he was not yet a "shed mate".At some point, he also moved to the shed.I don't know what question Zhang Guoxiang asked Lu Ping, how long he asked Lu Ping, and what the consequences would be.I just thought it was weird.

But how could I have imagined that after a few days, this bad luck would come to me.One night, after the bell for turning off the lights and going to sleep, I suddenly heard shouting from the corner behind the Democracy Building: "Ji Xianlin!"After I heard it, I quickly used the strength of my four legs and the supernormal speed to run to the big yard in front, and saw Zhang Guoxiang sitting there in the posture described above, with his right hand holding his foot, and asked: "How do you have contact with the secret service?" "I have no contact." "How do you say that Comrade Jiang Qing injected morphine into the New Peking University Commune?"

"That's just a figurative statement." "How many wives do you have?" I was very surprised, and respectfully replied: "I don't have many wives." This question and answer, "conversation" a few words.He said: "I have been kind to you tonight!" Yes, I admit he was telling the truth.First, I was not punched and kicked; second, I was not beaten by the "national scolding".Isn't this a great "benevolence"?I should really be grateful to "Huang En Mighty". I never expected that his last sentence contained extremely dangerous "murderous intent". "I was kind to you tonight." How about tomorrow night?

The next night, after the lights went off and the bell rang, I was about to go to sleep, when suddenly, like a thunderbolt in the clear sky, I heard: "Ji Xianlin!" I walked out of the cell door faster than last night, and saw Seeing that this Mr. Zhang was not in the big yard, but at the corner of two rows of bungalows, he stood there angrily: "Why don't you come out? Are you deaf?" I know something is wrong.Before I could think about it any further, my face and head suddenly became hot, and a storm that was hit by a rubber-wrapped bicycle chain as a weapon fell on my body overwhelmingly, not the lower body, but the most vital parts. head.There was a buzzing in my head, and there were stars in front of my eyes.However, I didn't dare to dodge and stood there straight.At first, there was still pain, but then it gradually became numb. I only felt a burning sensation on the top of my head, eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. It was not pain, but a feeling that was more unbearable than pain.I feel like I'm going to lose consciousness, I feel like I'm going to fall to the ground.However, I instinctively stuck with it.Whip shadows flickered in front of his eyes, and the scolding—if there was any—was completely inaudible.I was in a state of confusion and chaos.I don't know how long he played.According to my "squadmate" who later lived in the cell on the corner, the beatings lasted quite a long time.They all felt very scary, and they seemed to turn pale when they talked about it.I myself have almost become a piece of wood, a stone, an insensible thing, and I am no longer as terrible as the spectator.I don’t know when, as if I was in a dream, I heard a cry: “Get out!” My consciousness recovered a little, and I knew that this evil spirit was “merciful” to me again.I quickly fled back to the cell with my tail between my legs.

However, as soon as the consciousness was restored, the whole body immediately ached.My first task is "physical examination", this time "physical examination" is all "surgery", I first check whether my facial features and limbs are still intact.His eyes were swollen, but he tried to open them: both eyes were still open.Evidence that the eye is intact.There was blood on the face, nose, mouth, and ears.But when he opened his mouth, the teeth inside were not knocked out.As for the bleeding in other places, it would not be life-threatening, so I had to hold back the pain.

Just think, can I still sleep tonight?I lay on the plank, tossing and turning, feeling sick all over.The place where the blood was bleeding was sticky and had to be allowed to bleed.Where it hurts, I have to let it go away.I don't have a mirror, so I can't take a look at my "face".In the past, my fellow sufferers, such as the old professor in the Department of Geophysics, the female teacher in the Department of Oriental Languages, etc., after being tortured all night, their faces were swollen and their eye circles turned blue.After I saw it, my heart trembled a little.Today my face is not only swollen, but also blue.I can't see it myself anyway, let it go.

The next morning, they still had to assign work and memorize quotations.What I am doing now is sieving sand on both sides of the road outside the North Material Factory.What is it about me?What is it like in my heart?I couldn't tell at all, I was completely confused, so confused that I didn't even have the idea of ​​suicide. As the saying goes: misfortunes never come singly.My one disaster episode is not over yet.At noon that day, the same Mr. Zhang walked into the cell and ordered me to move.I didn't have anything in this "home", so I rolled up my bedding and immediately moved it to the room where I was tortured outside the door.I didn't feel much during the day, but at night, I suddenly realized that this is the "special seat", a place where heavy prisoners are imprisoned.The lights were not allowed to be turned off all night, and the prisoners in the house took turns to be on duty.Do not sleep. "Watch" what?I am not sure.Is it because the prisoner is afraid of escaping?This is simply impossible.Intellectual prisoners are the most timid and will not escape.It seems that they are afraid that the prisoner will commit suicide, such as hanging himself.Now I know that after being severely punished, my status in the gang compound has improved, I have been upgraded, and I have been promoted to a higher level. The "offender" Lu Ping lived in this room.To use an analogy, I entered the Avici Hell in the Buddhist hell, which is equivalent to the death row in the human world.

However, the problem is not over yet.It was still the same Mr. Zhang who ordered me and a professor surnamed Wang from the Chinese Department to push a water cart to fetch boiling water three times a day from the tea stove for all the prisoners to drink.I don't know why this Professor Wang is listed with me.As far as I know, he did not participate in "Jinggangshan", nor did he commit any heinous crimes. Why was he punished like this?Turning on the water is not an easy job, three times a day, other tasks are done, and the quotations are memorized.When others eat, I watch.It was raining heavily and I was drenched.Even if there is a knife in the sky, I have to fetch boiling water. It is really miserable.However, the professor surnamed Wang was able to find pleasure in bitterness: he secretly brewed a cup of tea at the tea stove and smoked a pipe.It seems to be enjoying it.

(12) Special class This group of prison bosses understands policy very well.We "reform-through-labour criminals" were gathered together and carried out reform through labor for more than half a year.Chanting scriptures, preaching, and slap sticks go hand in hand.They presumably believe that we have reached a certain level.Now is the time to take differentiation and disintegration. "Special class" came out. The prison bosses selected some of the "reform through labor criminals" according to unknown criteria, and entered this class. The location of this class is located in the foreign language building.However, the front door could not be walked through, and the back door could not be opened, so a window was used as a passage, and a long wooden plank was placed on the inside and outside of the window, through which one could enter the building through the window, and then walk into a small classroom.What is it like inside this classroom?What are the decorations?I am not sure.In my eyes, although it is close at hand, it is like Pengshan thousands of miles away.

I am very envious of this class.I think, for us "reform-through-labour criminals", the hard days before us can be passed by being beaten, scolded, hungry and thirsty, and gritting our teeth.However, looking to the future, we cannot remain indifferent.When is our first day?In front of me seemed to be a vast expanse of white sea, but there were no boats, and I could not see any islands in front of me.I was hoping for something to come up.This kind of long-awaited life really feels like years!Now there is a special class, and I think it's a light boat that crosses the sea. Students in special classes have some enviable privileges.They have the right to wear leader badges, they have the right to ask for instructions early and report late, and so on.In the cowshed, party members are deprived of the right to pay party dues.Do special class students have rights?I have no idea.Every time I hear the singing singing praises to leaders or singing quotations from the classroom of the special class, the melodious singing really fascinates me.Seeing some—approved or not, I don’t know—the strange privileges that the students have, I am also very envious.For example, if they dare to cross their legs in the cell, I don't dare.They seem to raise their heads a little higher when walking, but I dare not.How I wish I could walk into the Foreign Languages ​​Building by stepping on that long plank! Later, for unknown reasons, the students in the special class did not really become dragons and jump over the dragon gate until the "gang compound" was disbanded. (13) An Indonesian teacher in the Department of Oriental Languages This teacher was originally a student of Indonesian who was transferred from the Nanjing Oriental Language major before liberation, and stayed at the school to teach after graduation.He is very smart, studies very diligently, and writes academic papers of a very high level. He is a rare talent.When he was studying in Indonesia, his family had financial difficulties, and I did my best.So we have a good relationship.He treated me with respect. However, people change. During the "Cultural Revolution" Peking University was assigned, he joined the New Peking University Commune in power.People have their own aspirations, which is understandable.However, he showed extraordinary hostility towards me, a "heretic".After I was "pushed out", he participated in several interrogations in the Foreign Languages ​​Building, and he blew his beard and stared, slapped the table and smashed the bench, which was better than some other participants.It seems that he is afraid that he will not show his loyalty to "Lafayette".Is it because I used to be anti-Soviet and anti-communist, and now I pretend to be positive to wash myself off?I have had this thought many times.Otherwise, the general explanation of the coldness of the world to add insult to injury is not enough. However, political struggle is ruthless. One morning when I walked out of the "Gangster Compound", I lowered my head, just in time to see a big slogan written on the road: Down with the counter-revolutionaries so-and-so! I was taken aback.Not so long ago, during a small session during my interrogation, he was "ultra-activist."Revolutionary righteousness overflowed his brows.Why did they suddenly become "counter-revolutionaries"?It turned out that someone had exposed his background.He adopted the capitalist method of suicide at night and "excluded himself from the people". For this matter, I have no misfortune, and I am not happy about misfortune.I just feel that life is too complicated and scary. (14) Give up on yourself Been in the bullpen for a while.My mind is getting more and more confused, and my mood is getting more and more numb.This place is not hell, it is better than hell; I am not a hungry ghost, it is better than a hungry ghost.If I still have feelings, my self-feeling is: neither human nor ghost, neither human nor ghost.The way others see you is the same way you see yourself.Nondescript and similarly applied a ready-made philosophical term: I have been "alienated". When I was considered a human being in the past, I certainly treated myself as a human being.I never dare to be arrogant, I am quite self-aware.If people are divided into good and bad according to the way of children, I do not hesitate to put myself in the category of "good".Take the question of money.I am not stingy, and I do not worship money.In this regard, I have quite a few "records of success".When I was a teenager in Jinan, one day I went to a pharmacy to get medicine.The guy miscalculated and gave me an extra ocean.In the eyes of children at that time, an ocean was a huge wealth.But I returned it to him immediately, making the clerk's face turn red.I didn't understand this mentality until later.In 1946, I returned to my motherland from overseas.Sold a gold watch and sent money home.Exchange the remaining "fiat currency" for gold.The guy also made a miscalculation and gave an extra tael of gold.At that time, a tael of gold was considered a considerable fortune.But I also refunded him immediately.In the name of a great man, these are trivial matters.However, for an ordinary person like me, it cannot be said that it is meaningless. Up to now, I suddenly became a ghost.It was extremely uncomfortable at first, and I wanted to resist.But over time, I have become accustomed to it.The boundaries between humans and ghosts, the boundaries between good and bad, the boundaries between good and evil, the boundaries between beauty and ugliness, gradually blurred.To use the most appropriate idiom, it is "breaking the jar and smashing".I have no future, since I don't want to commit suicide, it's a human or a ghost, let it go.What others say is short and long, let it go. And I do have practical difficulties.The "living expenses" given to me and the two old ladies by the Nie Ji Revolutionary Committee, I can neither "live" nor "live" on it.Even eating cornbread and pickles every day is still not enough.The labor intensity is heavy every day, and there is no oil and water in the stomach. I am always hungry and want to find something to eat.Several times I followed behind the prison head Jinzi, wanting to ask for some soup from a jar of bean curd with soy sauce to dip in steamed buns.For a while, I was assigned to work in the area around the 28th and 29th floors of the student dormitory area. The task was to clean up the houses destroyed during the fighting between the two factions and pick up the bricks and stones on the ground.I remember being in a big room at the south end of the twenty-eighth floor, which was full of sundries, messy, dilapidated, and everything.I suddenly found that there were a few pieces of moldy dry steamed buns on a dilapidated bun steamer.I just found it like a treasure, and I put it in my pocket, and secretly ate it alone in a secluded place, with the workers in charge of the reform on my back.What is hygienic and unhygienic, what is there is no bacteria, to a "ghost", these are meaningless. I also learned to lie.When they left the compound and went out to work, when they were too hungry, they told the workers leading the team that they wanted to go to the hospital to see a doctor.With permission, he would choose a path that no one took, and return home like a mouse, eat two steamed buns with sesame paste, gobble them up, and then go to work, counting his illness as a cure.This action is extremely dangerous. If you run into a correctional officer or a reporting officer on the road, I don't need to tell you what the result will be. Once I picked up a few banknotes on the road, all of which were ten and twenty cents.I was overjoyed and quickly put it in my pocket.In the future, I will take advantage of the advantage that I can only walk with my head down, and I will see things that those "free people" who walk with their heads up will never see. I once picked up some steel coins.This is another windfall.I found an important rule: in the toilet of the "gangster compound", the most steel coins dropped on the ground.From then on, the toilet that others do not want to enter has become my favorite place. If I hadn't said the extremely insignificant things mentioned above, no one would have thought of them.I would never have thought of it if I hadn't experienced it myself.However, these are facts, and it should be said that they are extremely ugly facts.At that time, I had completely lost my sense of shame and resentment, and I didn't feel anything wrong.Looking back now, it's really chilling.I used to be interested in a person's degenerate psychological process, and subconsciously seemed to think that it was innate.Now take myself as an example, that kind of thinking is not correct. But who will bear the responsibility? (15) Summary of "Torture Theory" Cowshed life is full of mysteries.I just chose the big one above, and briefly described it.Based on the principle of "using theory to bring history", I first put forward a theory: the theory of torture.I'm afraid there were a lot of skeptics at first.Now that I have seen my account of the "gangster compound" situation from a very different perspective, I think no one can doubt the validity of my theory any longer. What is the purpose of the torture of the "revolutionary young generals"?They will never expose the dirty things in their hearts, and it is inconvenient for others to answer for them.The high-sounding term is "reform through labor".I have already said above that this method of torturing people in the name of labor only transforms the body, but never the soul.If anything can be achieved, my self-abnegation is a perfect example.The result of torment can only degrade, not elevate. This is my summary of "Torture Theory".