Chapter 9 On the verge of "exterminating oneself from the people"

Now I'm really nervous.I thought I had neither braid nor tail.But there are a lot of "revolutionaries" caught by others, and they all look very scary, and some are simply bloody "iron evidence".Although I have not lost confidence in myself, I am completely helpless with these "revolutionaries".Under the control of faction plus metaphysics, how can I persuade them? This is absolutely impossible. I lost sleep all night.Nervous to the maximum during the day, waiting for the arraignment, lying on the pillow at night, tossing and turning, eyes wide open, waiting for the dawn.I don't think about tea, I don't want to eat, my eyes are dark, and I don't know when the darkness will pass.Can we go there?I also completely lost confidence.I seem to be dreaming during the day.At night, in the blurred dream, I saw that kitchen knife for a while, and felt that someone was cutting me with that knife, instead of me cutting someone else.I couldn't help breaking out in a cold sweat, and woke up suddenly.Presently I saw the basket full of half-burned letters.The basket caught fire suddenly, and the flames were blazing, and they were burning towards me.I broke out in a cold sweat again and woke up suddenly.After a while, I saw the photos of Chiang Kai-shek and Song Meiling again. Chiang Kai-shek opened his bloody mouth, revealing a mouth full of red teeth and fangs, and was about to bite me.Song Meiling turned into a beautiful snake.I broke out in a bigger cold sweat again, and Huo Di jumped out of the dream.

Is this a life lived alone? The scariest thing is not these things. The scariest thing is to look around the present and look into the future. Looking around, I have fallen into a trap. The ground is covered with thorns and thorns, making it difficult for me to move.I objected to that "Lafayette", and this really poked a hornet's nest.Not all the people who stand against me are bad people, I believe most of them are good people.But once poisoned by Pai, it is unreasonable.They're going to kill me and be quick.I have been the head of the Department of Oriental Languages ​​for more than 20 years, and all the teachers, old, middle-aged and young, are directly or indirectly hired by me.Although I have many shortcomings, I never dare to act like a boss, and always treat others with sincerity.Now, once they are assigned, they are regarded as enemies and glared at each other, which is hard for me to understand anyway.It turned out that I thought it was my own faction, and my attitude was no different from that of the hostile faction.I was "knocked down" by the commune, and the people in Jinggangshan also scrambled to make trouble.They also sent their own Red Guards to my house and escorted me to some place belonging to Jinggangshan for interrogation.They are like dogs, brothers and sisters.At this time, I felt like I had just woken up from a big dream, and I had a thorough understanding of life.But it's too late.

The most incomprehensible and unbearable to me are my two "disciples".One of them is a person who was born as a poor and lower-middle peasant and is a "martyr" who is so popular that he couldn't be more popular.Didn't study well.In order to implement the so-called "class line", I insisted on keeping him as my teaching assistant.There is also a person who is like a "jujube ball pair" with inferior qualifications, and has not entered the door of Sanskrit until graduation.He also came from a very good background.In order to "not let a class of brothers fall behind", I gave him a lot of food in class and asked him more questions. "Poor teachers all over the world", at this time, I became a "class revenge".It was these two people on the mountain (Jinggang Mountain) who took me for interrogation and uttered evil words, which was the next thing.They moved their hands and pinched my ears.I really can't laugh or cry, the bitter wine I brewed can only be drunk by myself, why not!This "martyr" surnamed Ma has repeatedly threatened: "Don't be a golden boy and girl of bourgeois intellectuals!" However, the fox's tail cannot be covered up forever.Today, this most ideal revolutionary successor has betrayed his motherland and fled to a small country in Europe to become a "white flower". "Skynet is restored, sparse but not leaky", the spittle that I spit out finally landed on my face!I still have a lot of feudal thoughts in my head, although I don't believe in the saying "a master and a student for a day, a father and son for life".But a teacher who has no grudges against himself should at least have a little respect!

In short, in my thoughts and feelings, as well as in reality, I was completely trapped in a deep ditch. There was no way to go left and right, and I couldn't go back.Where do I go from here? For more than a year, I have seen enough scenes of fighting against the capitalist roaders: Quotations filled my ears, slogans shook the sky; Taiwan, sweating.At this time, the person being criticized is often lying on the ground, unable to stand up.As a bystander, I trembled with fear.The ancients said: "Scholars can be killed, but not humiliated."Now it's not just humiliation!This limit has already been exceeded.In our ancient Chinese country, a country of propriety and righteousness, some people have fallen to this level, wouldn't it be a great tragedy!I used to be able to watch at ease, but now I have become a turtle in a urn, a beast in a trap, at the mercy of others, and those thrilling scenes are about to befall me!Not to mention a basket full of half-burned letters, a kitchen knife, and a photo of Chiang Kai-shek that no one else had.Even if I have 10,000 mouths, I still can't tell clearly. I am already "heinous, and the crime is unforgivable".But it is absolutely impossible for me to admit that "heavenly kings are sages, ministers should be punished for their crimes".I know that my future is even more hopeless than the capitalist roaders I have seen being criticized.The bloody struggle scene was before my eyes.It was dark before my eyes...

Where do I go from here? I have to make a choice. There are only two paths to choose: one is to endure everything, the other is to leave all this and leave this world.The first is absolutely impossible for me; it seems that I can only take the second way. This is a very difficult decision to make.People often say: ants are greedy for life, let alone humans?A person would never make such a decision if there was a one in ten thousand chance.What's more, there is another curse: whoever wants to take this road, no matter what the reason is, will "exclude himself from the people."When a man is cornered, the only right left in his hands is to take his own life.If this is "self-isolation from the people", then I will self-isolation from the people.When a person is not afraid of death, what else is he afraid of? "Who cares about right and wrong behind?" I closed my eyes and let the world gossip.

Once the decision was made, my mood calmed down, and it was unusually calm and unusually clear. I calmly, soberly, and scientifically consider the means and steps to realize this decision.I thought a lot, and I thought very carefully, concretely, thoughtfully, and comprehensively. The first thing I think of is the professors and cadres who committed suicide at Peking University since the beginning of the "Cultural Revolution".The first one is Mr. Wang, a professor of history. A few days after the "Cultural Revolution" started, the young revolutionary general probably came to the door and asked him a number of questions, not sure if he had made any moves.I suspect this is unlikely.Because the "rebellion" experience is gradually summed up and perfected.The means of torturing people are gradually "perfected" by "removing the dross and selecting the essence".My general impression is that the minds of the "revolutionaries" were not fully open at the beginning, and they were generally relatively moderate.However, our Professor Wang was too thin-skinned and too observant of the dogma of "Scholars can be killed, not humiliated", and could not bear even mild means, so he took sleeping pills and left the world.He was designated as a "counter-revolutionary" upon his death. The big slogan "Down with the counter-revolutionary Wang Mou" was posted on the east wall of the dining hall, which caused great shock and shock.I am very familiar with Professor Wang.He risked his life to join the underground party on the eve of liberation, and it is good to be a man and study.However, it suddenly became a "counter-revolution".I really don't understand.But I sympathize with him.

The second person I thought of was Cheng Moumou, secretary of the General Branch of the Chinese Department.I am also very familiar with him.He was one of the leaders of the underground student movement on the eve of liberation, and later served as the chairman of the Peking University Student Union.Although he is not very old, he can be regarded as an old revolutionist.Yet he also committed suicide.Logically, his charges should be "capitalist roaders", and he is not up to the lever of "reactionary academic authority".He has been criticized, and he was a "ghost" during the "ghost" fight in June 18th, and he also had his share in the work of hanging wooden signs around his neck on campus.Probably all these "treatments" were really unbearable for him, and he couldn't think about it for a while. I heard that he left home and went to a woods in Xishan with a bottle of liquor and a bottle of dichlorvos.I am afraid that he drank white wine first, paralyzed his sanity, and then poured down dichlorvos, ending his life.When I thought of his stomach burning like fire after drinking the poison, he must be rolling all over the floor, the hairs all over his body stood on end, and I shuddered.

I also thought of some other people. Some of them jumped from very high buildings, and their bodies were smashed to death;This is all heard, not seen with my own eyes.I have heard many similar things. There are too many people, and I can't think of them one by one.Before everyone commits suicide, there will be an extremely violent ideological struggle. This is a bloody ideological struggle, and I can't think about it anymore. My mind went back in time.I thought of the 1950s many years ago, when two professors committed suicide by throwing themselves into Weiming Lake.The lake is not deep.How did they drown?Now that I think about it, could it be that they were determined to die, and buried their heads in the water, which was only waist deep, and suffocated to death?At about the same time, a professor surnamed Fang from the Department of Philosophy cut off his own artery with a razor, and his blood flowed profusely.

My thoughts turned back in time, and turned to ancient times, and I thought of Qu Yuan, who was drowned to death.A little later than Qu Yuan was Xiang Yu, who committed suicide while surrounded by singing.I'm really worried about this suicide thing.How strong can a man be to chop off his own head?This is far more primitive than committing suicide with a pistol.I think, if Xiang Yu had a pistol back then, he would never have chosen a sword. My thoughts not only go up and down for thousands of years, but also span tens of thousands of miles. I think of the German fascist leaders headed by Hitler.It is said that they know that they have many sins, and everyone has prepared a little potassium cyanide. If necessary, they can go to heaven or hell if they bite with their teeth.The German chemical industry is famous all over the world, and they applied chemical technology to suicide, which is beyond the reach of other countries.The Japanese are famous for their suicide by caesarean section, which is the patent of the Japanese, and I have never heard of other countries learning from Japan.However, this method cannot be practiced by one person, because a person will not die immediately after a laparotomy, and there must be an assistant by his side. Once the suicide is cut open, the assistant will immediately cut off his head, which is called "Jiecuo" in Japanese.I have also heard that young Japanese men and women often jump into the crater of a volcano at the height of their love.This cannot be universally practiced, and it will absolutely not work where there are no volcanoes.

In this way, my imagination was full of imagination and fantasies.Sometimes I think so concretely, so vividly, that I imagine dead people as if they were right in front of my eyes.I seem to see bright red blood flowing all over the corpse, which is terrifying and attractive.I know that this will never bring me happiness, but I can't stop it. Could it be that God really doesn't leave me a way out? I have never studied suicidology, but now I must consider it.Things that I thought were far away from me and had nothing to do with me now appeared in front of my eyes.It is by no means my intention to create a new "fringe science", suicidology or comparative suicidology.Now the arrow is on the string, and it must be created.Every new discipline must have its own theoretical basis.My theoretical level in other aspects is also very low, and I have no advanced theory for this emerging comparative suicidology.But of course there is something in the idea.I don't dare to cherish my own broom, so I will make it public now.

I don't need to collect all the historical and current suicide cases and then extract theories from them.A lot of theories can be drawn just from the cases I mentioned above.Using the method of historical materialist class analysis, I was able to divide the suicide methods that appeared in history into different types according to the process of social development.Hanging beams and jumping into wells are probably the oldest methods, and they are also the methods with the strongest vitality. They can be used from primitive society, through feudal society and capitalist society.It is not extinct today.It has been practiced for thousands of years.Potassium cyanide is a special product for fascist leaders in scientifically developed countries.Caesarean section and jumping into the crater are probably only limited to Japan, and people from other countries cannot learn it.This method can be used equally in feudal society and capitalist society.As for arteriotomy is limited to intellectuals who know a little about physiology, ordinary people don't understand it.Taking sleeping pills is a typical capitalist way, and it is quite popular in the world. No matter the surname is "capital" or "she", everyone can understand it.However, I think this is probably limited to intellectuals who suffer from neurasthenia due to excessive mental work. Peasants who hoe the ground all day long do not know how to take sleeping pills.Why do I say it is a capitalist way?There are also sedatives in traditional Chinese medicine; but the medicine is weak, hypnosis is acceptable, suicide is not.Most of the popular sleeping pills in the world now come from capitalist countries.So I say it's the capitalist way.Suicide by taking sleeping pills is the safest and most painless.This can be said to be one of the superior performances of capitalism. That's pretty much my theoretical basis. Theory must be linked to practice: how do I go about it?Needless to say, everyone can guess: the capitalist way.Fortunately, I have been defeated and become a "counter-revolutionary", and I don't need to shy away from this suspicion. In the suicide act, after the decision is made, the most important problem is to decide what method to use.Now that my way has been chosen, the work is at hand.I can now think about when and where to act.The timing issue is easy to fix: do it now, as soon as possible.As for the location issue, it took a lot of trouble.To solve this problem, first—forgive me to borrow a very popular word at the time—we must consider the general direction.The general direction is nothing more than two: one is near and the other is far.Near is at home, far away is out of the house.The most convenient of course is at home.But I'm worried.We only have one big room and one small room in our family.If I implement my plan at home, take sleeping pills at night, and wake up in the morning, and the two old ladies see me lying straight on the bed, they will be scared to death, if not scared to death.What a terrible scene!I have thought too much about others in my life, and now I have to.After carrying my body out, they dared to live in the room where someone died and their relatives died?Don't dare, so what?In this era when the world is so cold and human feelings are like paper, who would dare to extend a helping hand to these two lonely old women?I have now become a double "counter-revolutionary element": the New Peking University Commune has put such a hat on me, and now I "exclude myself from the people", adding counter-revolution to counter-revolution.Anyway, not at home. Then be outside.There's also an orientation issue on the outside, and more clues to orientation.First of all, I was inspired by the general branch secretary of the Chinese Department I mentioned above, and thought of Xishan.Xishan has deep forests and beautiful scenery.If I could come here, hunting the pines, the sound of the Congcong spring, resting on the pine needles on my head, looking up at the blue sky, and destroying the most precious life in my life with my own hands, how pleasant and poetic it would be!Quite simply the last and most beautiful poem of my life.However, that place was too far away, and if the Red Guards intercepted him on the way, he would have to walk away with nothing to eat.I denied this idea and thought of the Summer Palace again.In the past, many celebrities came here to commit suicide, Wang Guowei is the most famous example.But I don't want to follow Mr. Wang's example and throw himself into the water.Find a cave behind the mountain, swallow sleeping pills, leave the colorful world behind, and walk away by yourself.But I was afraid that I would frighten the ladies and gentlemen visiting the garden who were full of excitement.That's not a good idea either.After thinking about it, I thought of Yuanmingyuan, which was only a road away.There are huge reed pits here.It was early winter, and the reeds were blooming.If I can go to the depths of the reeds, I just need to lie down on the ground and take the sleeping pill, and my goal will be achieved immediately.How clean and how neat!Thinking of this, I am very satisfied with myself, I am so happy that I want to dance with my hands and feet.This, I thought, was simply the last and brightest flicker of the spark of my genius.After this, Guangling will be scattered. My mood was unusually calm, so calm that I felt scared.I have not studied the ante-mortem psychology of suicide in ancient and modern times.Qu Yuan's mood when he chanted at Zepan, we can know a thing or two from his works, but it is not specific enough.It stands to reason that it is very difficult for a person to decide to die. There should be extremely violent fluctuations in emotions, even crying bitterly, restless, reaching the point of half madness; and then make up his mind and die generously.Jiang Yan said: "Everyone has died since ancient times, and everyone swallows hatred." I did not drink hatred, and I did not swallow my voice.My mood was very calm, so calm that I felt strange and incomprehensible. However, there is also unrest in the calm.I thought about tomorrow at this time, I was lying upright in the desolate and lonely big reed pit in Yuanmingyuan.It's almost untouched there.I don't know how long it will be before someone finds my body.At this time, my body may have been decomposed, and an arm or a leg may have been bitten off by some bird or beast; my stomach may have been bitten open, and my intestines and internal organs have been eaten;I am still a complete me right now, what will I be like by then?I was shaking all over, I couldn't think anymore.I seem to be able to hear the radio station of the New Peking University Commune playing over and over again at the top of its lungs: "The counter-revolutionary Ji Xianlin killed himself in fear of crime and committed suicide. He deserves death!" The Xinbei University Commune launched a contest to "Down with Ji Xianlin". But no matter how terrible these fantasies were, they still couldn't stop me from committing suicide.Make up your mind and never look back.I was at peace, and I thought about what I had to do in the last hours of my life of more than fifty years.I am a little sorry for my old aunt who accompanied me in fear, for my wife who has been with me for forty years through ups and downs, for forty years, for my children and grandchildren, and for those few who still treat me well. Relatives and friends with deep friendship.I'm afraid there are many, many people I'm sorry for, so I can only say: "See you over there." I handed the only few deposit slips to my aunt and wife in a flat manner, restraining myself, and did not let Tears dripped on the deposit slip.I said speechlessly: "Poor old man! From now on, you can live on this little money! I am not cruel, nor am I selfish. The vast universe only leaves me with such a single-plank bridge. What can I do?" ?” They must have understood what I meant, and their emotions were not agitated, nor were their tears shed.I didn't think about making a will, it's useless.I can't control the precious books that have accompanied me all my life now. This is the scene of my parting from life and death.Everything was so peaceful that it frightened me. Half my life I have suffered from neurasthenia and insomnia.Chinese and Western sleeping pills are taken in baskets and baskets, and I have a deep understanding of sleeping pills.I live frugally on weekdays, and save a lot. There are pills and water, both Chinese and Western.At this time, I collected them together, starting with pills and washing down with water. It can be described as a perfect combination and complement each other.I found a cloth bag, packed all the sleeping pills in it, and prepared to go out, climb over the wall behind the building, cross a small river and a road, and the Yuanmingyuan is in front of me. Everything is ready, just waiting for me to step out the door—