Chapter 37 summer disillusionment event

1 Zhen's house is rented on the side of an old road in the West District of Shanghai.There are old dilapidated western-style buildings and very old plane trees.The steamy pavement in summer is covered with sun-dappled shadows.One by one.The car passed quickly.Shadows are crumbled. At dusk, the bright and scorching sky began to blur its face.This was Hazel's favorite time of day.In those few days, the wind was very strong at night, and very white and large clouds blew over, passing blindly and gracefully like a wandering singer in the deep blue night sky. 2 Hazel remembers that day when he and Lan were lying on the lawn of a high-end apartment and looking at the clouds.They made an appointment to meet in front of the Shanghai Library.Lan was at the door of the Brazilian barbecue restaurant, following the long line of people who went in to eat, wearing a white pure linen embroidered camisole and very old jeans.Looking at it from a distance, it looks like a bored child.Lying on the railing, shaking his bare legs, his lips were tightly pressed.

3 This is Hazel's familiar expression.On the elevator of Jianjing Building, he saw this girl who entered from the 12th floor leaning against the elevator wall many times, with a deadpan expression and a tired expression.The dim light in the elevator, which looked pale in the past, shone on her face without makeup.Her skin was very gray, and there was a faint blue smoke around her eyes.It was a reaction to chronic insomnia and excessive smoking.She didn't want to have any cover, just naked and ugly like this. Except for dark eyebrows and long eyelashes.I use Lancome.She said to him happily.Lancôme's best brow pencil and mascara.She has coquettish eyes and a beautiful shape.Bright, like extinguished coals, astringent and hot to the touch.Just can't laugh.

Even though your lips are smiling, your pupils cannot.He said. 4 He looked at her calmly, watching her suddenly raised her head in front of Watson's bath products shelf, with a painful expression on her face.At that moment, she was like a disappointed child, facing the broken pot that slipped from her hand.A piercing shriek slid across her face.She held many bottles of shower gel in her hand, strawberry-flavored, orange-flavored, seaweed-flavored, rose-flavored, berry-flavored... There were different scents, the same submerged foam. She hugged them, walked out with a smile, walked through the strange crowd, passed his line of sight, she walked out of the gate like no one else, and the loud alarm sounded.The security guard rushed over and grabbed her.All the bottles fell on the floor and slid all over the place.He saw her expression as if she was suddenly awakened, and she said, I forgot, I really forgot.The crowd overwhelmed her.

He squeezed in.That was the first time they met. 5 Her agitated and helpless cry pierced his chest like a knife.A dull, cold knife, inserted without any hesitation. 6 In the same office building, they have met N times in the elevator. 7 When he walked slowly across the fast-moving street towards the brightly lit Brazilian barbecue restaurant, he thought she was an abandoned child on the side of the road.It was as if he had never known her.She is sometimes strange and distant. She leaned her head against the railing, bent her body, and in a strange and awkward posture, smiled sideways, watching him approach.Her braids were always disheveled, thick long braids, a little curly and yellowish.She pinned the hair on her forehead with hairpins, and her high forehead looked bright and hurt.

You should wear bangs to cover your forehead.He said. 8 no.I don't like covering up, I want to be naked.My love, naked.She smiled, left him alone, and ran forward alone, with her arms outstretched and her braids shaking.She will suddenly be happy.Or suddenly unhappy. 9 They climbed the wall and entered the fence of a high-end apartment.The security guard happened to be absent during the shift change.Those two white buildings with European-style balconies, against the dark blue night sky, are very imposing.They found the big lawn, the big bushes of roses and roses were about to wither, exuding a pungent fragrance before death.The sky suddenly became vast.Big big clouds.Cool and violent wind.Outside the fence are black tree shadows and dilapidated attics.When the wind blows, the branches are cracking and breaking.It was a miracle born of the chaos of this dreary city and summer heat.The two started not talking.

She lay down on her back on the lawn.She looked at the sky, at the tall buildings leaning upside down.She said to him, I want to look silly.I'm going to be crazy.He was lying beside her, the tip of the grass was a little hard, poking on his back, but the long-lost earthy smell made people breathe smoothly. He said, maybe you don't believe it, but I'm still writing poetry.When I was in college, I joined a poetry club. After work, sometimes I wrote poems on the plane when I was on a business trip.I don't want to give up poetry. Because I believe that there are moments in life that will not die.

She didn't smile.She listened to him with a serious expression on his face when he talked about poetry. She said, I understand. why. No reason.she says.She closed her eyes, put her index finger on her lips, shhh, don't talk, listen to the sound Yun made when he walked. In the distance, several security guards came over.No, someone is coming.She took his hand and let's run.The two ran out quickly. He hadn't run like this for a long time, and he heard his heart beating heavily in pain.She screamed as she ran. 10 The sky is blue, he said, like a piece of velvet. wrong.She said that that blue color was the face of a patient suffering from typhoid fever.

11 She works at the website on the 12th floor.Throughout the summer, she wore nothing but jeans, a white embroidered camisole, and a pair of sandals on her bare feet.She would buy many identical clothes and change them every day. 12 He works in a trading company above her, and receives an E-mail from her before leaving work every day.Sometimes there is only one sentence: It is raining today, like autumn, I like it.Sometimes it is to ask if he is free, she wants to treat him to dinner, and wants him to treat her to a movie. He never refuses these succinct and direct requests. He didn't know why he didn't refuse.

13 In the elevator, separated by off-duty colleagues, they looked at each other's beating numbers calmly, without any visual or verbal communication.Among a group of fashionable Shanghai girls with exquisite makeup, she looked haggard.Her eyes are really different from anyone else.The heat of that indifference hit him. They went to eat Japanese sushi, which was the sushi restaurant on Nanjing West Road that she often went to.She also lives alone and never cooks at night. 14 They eat sashimi, mushrooms and sushi and drink cold beer.Then he accompanied her to Isetan.Her shopping spree is frightening, and sometimes nearly 8,000 yuan can be swiped from the card in one night.I bought duplicate clothes and jewelry, as well as a lot of cosmetics.But she never wears makeup, just a pair of ripped jeans.

What do you use the things you buy for?he asks. It accumulates in the home and then rots or is discarded.she says. 15 She was trying on a silk dress that didn't suit her, and wrapped it around her body, and she asked him if it looked good. He brought the dress to the lady, took her by the hand, and pulled her out.She said, what are you doing, I still have to try.He didn't say a word, just took her hand firmly.She was like an angry child, twisting her body and screaming.At the door of the department store, he let go of her hand, he said, do you think it can be filled?If you tell me that you can, you can go back and continue to buy.There is an unfillable hole in your heart that cannot be filled with matter, do you understand?

Don't let me see you so helpless.Because I would feel powerless.I would feel guilty. 16 He looked at her.Then turn around and leave. 17 When he got home, he turned on the TV, took a shower, and pulled out a Zweig novel.He was lying on the bed and heard the dull thunder outside.A rainstorm finally came as expected.He checked the time, it was 11 o'clock in the evening.He dialed her cell phone, but she had already turned it off.He said to himself, go to sleep, don't think about her.she will be fine.She's just a little lonely. He turns off the light.half an hour.Then turn on the lamp again.He dialed the phone again, still turned off.He turned off the light again and lay down. 18 In the dark, I heard the torrential rain outside the window, and the whole city became an empty container, only the dull sound of heavy rain was heard.He turned on the light again and sat up.He can't find her. 19 Under the harsh summer sun, he took her out of the supermarket.In her hand was a big bag of shower gel, colorful bottles and jars. She hugged them like a child hugging a teddy bear, lonely and satisfied.He said, I think I was right.Your eyes don't smile. She said, show me the way you smile with your eyes. He said no.When you are truly happy, you will learn without a teacher. she smiles.White teeth, bright smile.Except for the eyes. At that moment, he thought, he would not let his wife have such eyes.In other words, he would not have a girl with such eyes as his wife.He remembered a trip to an island in college.In the evening, he followed his classmates to see the sea under the night sky.The dark tide rose and fell silently and violently.At that moment, the only feeling he felt was fear. 20 He didn't know what kind of man would love her. He asked her, is there any? She said, what do you think? 21 They stood on the street of Huaihai Road, the night was filled.Surrounded by unfamiliar crowds and traffic.He took out 555 brand cigarettes, and then protected the match with the palm of his hand, watching her leaning over with the cigarette in her mouth, the flames illuminated the dark eyebrows and eyelashes on her face, and flashed by.She likes to smoke 555. She said that all the men I loved only smoked this brand, which is very strange. The two walked blindly on the street with cigarettes between them.Walk to BLUE on Maoming South Road, that is the bar they go to most often.They walked on the flagstone road, and that decadent road gave off an ambiguous atmosphere of eroticism at night.On the way she mentioned to him a man she had liked.Like him for 10 years, then leave him. She said, so I believe that whoever leaves can live a good life, and love is not as tragic as we imagined. What is grim. It is the disappointment in my heart.she laughs.They looked at a girl with bright silver eyeshadow and a black suspender skirt, with long satin-like hair, walking along the dark corner of the wall.There are many such girls in the nearby bars, who are only with foreigners. The girl was smoking, and when she passed them, the corner of her eyes drifted indifferently, and then walked away. 22 She must be a disappointed woman.she says.the same with me. 23BLUE has crooked English written on the blackboard, young and handsome foreign boys as waiters, cracked but not intense rock, dim lights and a dance floor that is packed until midnight.She sat at the edge of the bar in a relaxed manner, smoking a cigarette dully. That was what she did most often. She didn't say a word, just smoked continuously in a dull manner until she finished a pack of cigarettes and drank the ice water on the table, then got up and left.He is usually on the side, watching her quietly.If she thought of something, she would come close, put her lips to his hair, and talk to him. Continuing our previous topic, she said, what kind of man do you think is suitable for me? People who are more than 10 years older than you and who study science and engineering will indulge you needlessly and blindly.He said. What about you, what kind of woman do you think is right for you? My standard is very simple, I just want her to be innocent and happy, not too smart. that's it? that's it. she laughs.She went back to smoking again. 24 I met a man, every time he met me, he would tell me that he loves me. Is it true that men generally do nothing but talk.They don't want to take on the responsibility of saying I love you. 25 Sometimes when we said goodbye, he said, I love you, sometimes in the E-mail, he said, I love you.Sometimes in an empty street, he said, I love you, sometimes in my ear, he said, I love you. 26 I believe I love you has become a greeting.It's like when you meet, you will say how are you, or when you are thirsty, you will say that I want to drink water.That one sentence destroyed all my standards of promise and truth, trust and affection, turning them into thin air and lies. Did he destroy you? Yes.He destroys me.Because, I have to get used to this sentence as a greeting.But, you know, it's not a greeting. 27 Nothing happened? Nothing. 28 At that moment, he saw her tears.Tears poured down like water, and the mascara was melted and smeared around the eyes, making a mess.She wept uncontrollably and in embarrassment, which happened in loud music and dark corners, and everything was silently drowned out. 29 When he dialed her mobile phone for the last time, he still heard the mechanical voice reminding her to shut it down.He gets up and gets dressed. Rain and fog filled the 30th Street, and the sound of torrential rain was everywhere.He finally stopped a TAXI, and when he rushed into the taxi, he was already drenched.He said, go to Maoming South Road, BLUE. He heard his heart beating again in pain.It seemed to see her open her arms and run like a bird in the wind. 31BLUE is still noisy with music, and the dull and heavy drums can be heard outside the door.When he walked into the bar, he saw only the moving figures on the dance floor and the choking smoke.He saw the girl by the bar counter wearing a white embroidered camisole. She was lying on the bar counter, smiling sideways.A fat old foreign man stood beside her, stroking her back with his hand, once and for all, as if he was stroking a cat.Her naked skin glowed pale in the light. He took her hand, her fingers were cold.He touched her forehead again, and her face was hot. The bar is full of scattered cigarette butts and ash, as well as beer glasses.He said, come with me.The expression on her face was blank.He saw her cold eyes, against the dark eyebrows and eyelashes, there was a black tide. 32 Why should I go with you? Because you are drunk. I will not go.She said softly, you don't love me. She smiles, she doesn't look bad, just a little sad.She looked at him tenderly and sadly.Her eyes are light blue. 33 Without giving himself any thought, he held her chin with his fingers, then turned her face away and blocked her lips. The kiss lasted for a long time, and the music in the ears faded away.The black tide under the night sky undulates silently and violently.Ups and downs alone.He felt her lips and teeth, soft, fragile, blooming like flowers.Then he let her go. 34 follow me.he whispered.His voice suddenly became hoarse. If you don't stand up, I will carry you away. 35 her body.her skin.her breath. Her eyes were shining brightly in the dark.He licked her eyes, trying to make them close quietly.Then she opened it again. 36 She stared at him.Her eyes put him to shame. Why not close your eyes.He heard his own muffled voice. Because to remember you.Remember, here and now.Because, we will forget. Remember my name now? Your name is Hazel.What about mine? Your name is Lan. 37 Do not tell me that you love me. I will not say. 38 She touched a cigarette in the dark, and the two of them sat on the bed and smoked.Bright cigarette butts flickered faintly.She got up, went to the window naked and pushed open the glass. She said that this was the biggest rainstorm this summer.very nice.Seems like it could float an entire city away.Do we look like we're on a boat? When I was a child, I lived in a relative's attic, and every time it rained, I would think I was on a boat when I heard the sound of the raindrops beating on the planks. 39 Have you been hiding farewell in your heart? Yes.Only saying goodbye can make me feel safe. 40 I remember being a skin-hungry kid, always wanting to be hugged and touched.He intentionally hurts himself because he wants others to notice him.Stretch your wrists with wire, cut yourself with a blade, and freeze yourself into a cold.Because if I'm not sick, no one will come to hug me. she laughs.At that time I was lonely and I was afraid of the dark.terrified.My mother was an unhappy woman, she was always thinking how to be happy, and I was one of the ways she used, and it was her last way.She wants a man to give her a child.It's just that she is still desperate. So she died.After she died, no one kissed me again. 41 I couldn't wait to fall in love at 16.Because in love there are kisses. But those kisses didn't last, either.He said. yes.Not long lasting.Will keep leaving, keep producing.I only believe in one sentence: Always leave him one step ahead of others, so that you will not get hurt. In fact, you very much hope for a long time.It's just that you don't feel safe. yes i didn't. 42 What does skin-to-skin contact bring. Bringing fleeting warm illusions and darker disillusions. They are together again.They again. 43 Do you believe this is an illusion?He kisses her. yes.I believe. Why? Because we don't love each other.We don't love. 44 They made love non-stop throughout the wee hours of the morning.Finally the rain stopped and the sky started to turn pale. There are scattered cigarette butts on the floor, as well as her embroidered white camisole.Crumpled.This is pure hemp material, and it will be horrible when it is wrinkled.Pure things cannot withstand a slight blow, because they are unbearable. She put on jeans and a wrinkled tank top and braided her long hair.They haven't been asleep.Then it's time to go to work.She drank ice water from the refrigerator and lit another cigarette. 45 She leaned against the door frame of the bathroom, watching him shave.She showed him the marks on her neck. I like this.she says.A man's kiss leaves marks on the skin that just fade away.It's just a matter of time. Because you never believed them. Yes, never trust them.Sometimes, in my dream, I see that man telling me again, I love you.I thought I had a nightmare. 46 What do you wish for. Would it be nice to have a baby.Be gentle, brave, sincere and love him for a long time. But your mother, she is still dead. Yes.Because of despair. 47 Do you have that kind of long-lasting, gentle, brave, and sincere feelings in your heart? some.Just don't know who to give it to.nobody.She put her head down and smiled. I believe you have too.But you can't find anyone to hand it over either. So we are all alone. 48 When he went to work, he found that he was dizzy and sleepy when he didn't expect it.He was in good spirits and had a clear mind.At some point when he was free, he would think of her.Silently think of her.Her breath and skin. 49 He wrote a poem to her in the E-mail: When you walk in time, love makes a broken sound, and when you walk back, it heals. But he did not send the email.When he was about to leave work, he received her E-mail.Just a few short sentences: I have been listening to Utada Hikaru all day, I don't understand Japanese, but I heard her cry in the singing.This is a sincere voice that makes people warm. 50 She disappeared for a week.He knew she would do it, she needed a safe distance to escape.He didn't bother her.But he thought she would be better.He is not someone who makes love to girls easily, but that night, he thought he felt pity for her.Make love to her out of pity for her.Like a lonely child, you know what she wants is a doll in a floral dress, and you can't bring yourself not to buy it for her. But love is not a doll.They are very clear.So she avoided seeing it. 51 In the summer of that year, Zhen was 28 years old and worked as a department manager in a trading company.He was a healthy, normal, clean man.hansome.He hopes to have a happy and innocent wife, who doesn't need to be too smart, because he thinks he is smart enough. He doesn't like to have rivals. 52 For a real master to fight, only one move is needed. One move is life and death.Blue said. 53 blue is an illusion of summer.Dang Hazel is convinced that she has completely disappeared.She no longer works at the site on the 12th floor, and colleagues in the company told him that she was gone.She went north. 54 Do you believe this is an illusion.He kisses her. yes.I believe. why. Because we don't love each other.We don't love. 55 In the early morning of summer when there was heavy rain, naked Lan lay on the window sill and smoked.Then tell him that this city is too indifferent, without love we will be frozen.Without forever we will die. 56 He believed they would all die.one day.at some point. 57 no longer exists.