Chapter 33 wait-and-see hallucination

Ann is a new colleague in the company. The office is used to the soft, waxy and sweet accent of Shanghai girls. Everyone was a little dazed when they heard An Tugu's Mandarin for the first time.She said, I want to drink water.No one spoke, so I coughed lightly, walked up to her and told her that the water dispenser is on the left, and there are simple cups over there.She murmured thanks and turned away.There was no smile on her face. I believe she's the different girl, with no provenance and origins, never revealing herself.In summer, she wears coarse trousers, a loose thick cotton crew-neck sweater, a pair of strappy sandals on bare feet, and only a thin silver bracelet on her wrist.The hair was thick, shiny black, braided in thick braids, and always slightly messy.Very thin and aloof.

She doesn't talk to others.She sits in the corner during meetings, stands alone behind the crowd when taking photos, never participates in gatherings between colleagues, and when we go to the bar to drink, she is still doing kung fu in front of the computer, or memorizing Wait in front of the elevator. Hi Ann, let's go for a drink.I call her.She shook her head, looked at us quietly, and waved goodbye. She always put on a look of indifference. Mike couldn't help it after a few drinks in the bar.The interviews I did were also worse than ours. I don’t know why the old man loves it so much, it’s really crazy.

The old man means our boss, who brought this foreign girl from nowhere, but never let her blend into our atmosphere.Small groups also have small group rules. This girl who refuses to give in brings too many doubts.I've never seen any co-workers express affection for her. Mike concluded that Ann would not stay long.She will be driven away, he said.I smiled silently, staring at the wine in the glass.Maybe she doesn't belong here in the first place, and only regards it as a resting place, who knows what she is thinking in her heart? When the regular meeting was held on Monday, the conflict finally aroused.Ann wanted to do a series of features about waifs living in underpasses and stations.All the people seem to be against this topic, and everyone puts forward arguments one by one, and attacks them in groups, which is not very pleasant.

Ann didn't say a word in the corner. She had her own reasons, but she didn't seem to want to explain them.No matter what, I heard her clear voice, I will definitely choose this topic, and I will not give up.Then she walked away with a sharp and lonely expression on her face. I don't know how to control my emotions, so sharp and direct. Mike couldn't help but growl.Even the boss was a little embarrassed.This is the first time Ann has exposed her true nature. There is no doubt that she has a naked and surprising true temperament. When I got off work that night, I saw Ann sitting in front of the computer playing games.She stared at the screen and pressed the keyboard fiercely. In the dark tunnel, the lonely hero was passing through the gate of hell.She was lying there alone, her face was pale, and she looked very haggard.I walked over and looked at her quietly.

There's a new bar nearby that has great martinis and music.I say. She looked up at me, so what?she says. I want to go with you, I said, congratulations, you still passed the topic. I thought she would say no.But she stood up.That day she was wearing a pair of ripped jeans, a faded cotton sweater, and no makeup on her face.She is really different from Shanghai girls.Unlike any other girl.This is a place that doesn't belong to her, so she suffers.Nothing hurts more than feeling alone. We came to the new bar.A lot of people.I wanted to order her a glass of Shanghai Surprise, and she said she only wanted whiskey with ice, lots of ice.Then, in the silent darkness, she kept biting the ice cubes, making animal-like sounds.When I turned to look at her, I saw she was smiling.In the dim light, her eyes looked blue.Pure blue eyes like a baby, the color of the sky.I said, why are you laughing.She shook her head, she said, I don't know.Happiness may not need a reason.

Don't you need a reason to ignore others?I say. Have.she says.I am a different world from them. Forever. But you are alone.I say.I know it's silly to say that.But I want to hear her truth.I know this girl is either silent or genuine.Sure enough, she said, loneliness is the hidden blood in the heart, whether it should or should not, it is there.You don't have to know where it comes from and where it goes. I hope you don't take me for another colleague, I said.Although I know I look ugly. she laughs.She looks genuinely happy.But I know that she must be hurt in her heart.To be able to say these words to me has opened my heart.I don't want to force her anymore.

We lingered in the bar until two o'clock in the morning, not talking much, just drinking in silence.When I was drunk, I saw the tears in her eyes. She whispered to me, forget how far a person has to go. I kept walking, thinking that I could calm down on the road. You love him very much?I say. No.What I want to love is not him, what I love is the time when I had him. So you choose to forget with a life of ups and downs, but it will be very hard, and it will not be easy to be happy. What is happiness?She looked at me with provocative eyes, no one can tell me the correct meaning of happiness, because happiness is just an illusion.

In the cold drizzle of the early morning, we walked out of the bar.In the taxi, she didn't say a word again. I'm used to her capriciousness, and the air of silence no longer makes me feel at a loss.She rented a small old apartment in the center of the city and lived alone.The environment of the apartment building is quiet, and the rent should not be cheap.I sent her up the stairs, and the corridor was dark. She said the light bulb was broken and hadn't been replaced for several days. She took out her key and opened the door, which opened.In the still darkness, I smell dust and the scent of dead summer gardenias and the remnants of whiskey in her hair. When I was 16, I sent the girl in the blue dress in my class home after watching a movie, and I also had this vague and slightly melancholy mood.Time flies, and it is difficult to meet a woman with a true temperament, and have a pure love.I know that the water is clear and there are no fish. In the city of stone forests, everyone is exhausted and struggling for life. This fragile woman, like a fish, was thrown on the soil exposed to the scorching sun, and there was no water to rely on.

Ann, it's time for you to rest.I said it was time to go to work in a few hours and it was a night of indulgence.She said, ok.She leaned against the door frame without turning around.I never thought she was beautiful, and her unrestrained temperament has nothing to do with the daily standard of female beauty.But this is indeed a charming woman.She is like gentle fingers, cold fingers, caressing my heart vaguely, making me sensitive and prone to pain. In the dark, she pressed her face gently on my shoulder.Her body rests in my arms like a flower petal.hug me.she whispered.hug me.I reached out and felt my chest convulse.I believe she is drunk.She buried her face on my neck and made a dull sound, as if she was humming a certain melody from the past.Then her warm tears flooded me.

We were not late for work the next day.Her expression returned to her usual indifference, with almost no trace left.I never got a chance to speak to her.She passed by me several times to pour water from the water dispenser, her back slightly hunched, and she looked lazy and helpless.But I remember her smile and tears last night. She seemed to have a mask that was always there to cover herself safely in order not to be hurt.She ran out to do interviews in the afternoon.At that time, the sun was scorching hot outside the window, and most of my colleagues were in the air-conditioning in the office building.Only she was carrying a big bag, wearing a pair of coarse trousers, and a wide-brimmed straw hat, traveling alone.

I heard Mike whisper, this woman.He always disliked her.Although he is a man.Not to mention the other Shanghai girls in the office.She will always be the one who is kept out, and she will always be the one who is kept out.I didn't let him run wild this time.I say, don't be suspicious of things you don't understand.After I finished speaking, I went out to smoke a cigarette. I waited in the office for a phone call I wasn't expecting.My family asked me to go on a blind date at night.A girl who teaches piano in kindergarten, very nice.Mother started to get intoxicated on her own, and I didn't want to spoil her interest, so I agreed casually in order to keep my ears clean. I went at night.But I was thinking about Ann in my heart, I felt that I was not happy, and I was always fidgeting there.The girl was wearing a pink and purple suit, with long hair and a shawl, and she was smiling.They always have porcelain skin and delicate makeup, and they will be impeccably clean.But drinking coffee with them, visiting Isetan, carrying clothes bags for them, and eating in a restaurant can accomplish the so-called love? I don't know what they are thinking.They don't know me either.Only the girl who cried on my shoulder in the dark can have a transparent heart for me. I politely sent her home, asked for her phone number, and said goodbye.On the way, I called my mother on the mobile phone first, and I was perfunctory to her. I will ask her out to watch a movie again, but she is nearsighted.Let's lay down a foreshadowing first.The mother's voice on the other end of the phone was very pleasant.Then call Ann again.she is at home. Are you OK?I say. fine.Her voice was bright and unambiguous. How about coming to see you?I had that cramping pain in my chest again, and suddenly I was afraid she would reject me, but she said yes.She said, do you like watermelon?I put it in the refrigerator first. What a caring girl.There is always an unexpected sweetness to people, like juicy pomegranates, you have to peel them off one by one and put them between your lips and tongues to experience. You can't smell the fragrance, but leave a beautiful trace. She opened the door for me in white cotton home trousers and a cotton shirt trimmed with tiny lace.Her hair was freshly washed, with curly curls hanging down her waist, her feet were bare, and she had no nail polish.The room is not big, but it is very clean, things are messy, computers, water glasses, books, records, floppy disks, large glass bottles with daisies in them, perfume... You need to stand on tiptoe to distinguish carefully when you walk in.She said, I'm writing interviews and processing pictures by the way.At the same time, I inserted the lily I bought into the glass bottle.The music flowing like water in the corner of the room was Irish bagpipes. I sat on the soft cushions scattered about and watched her take out the juicer to squeeze watermelon juice for me.The red juice was flowing on her fingertips, she put her fingers into her lips to suck, with a calm expression, and then handed it to me.She didn't drink alcohol today, she said, once she drank, she would feel exhausted for several days. I said, is life maintained like this?Material consumption in Shanghai is huge. She said, it's no big problem, she has a salary, and then writes for many magazines, so she can live with peace of mind.I have no ideals to be a gunman who saves the country and the people, entertaining myself and others is enough. In fact, you are very unsuitable for office buildings, with pure temperament and not smooth enough. she laughs.So what if it's tactful, it's all about surviving.Why not let yourself be more comfortable, the self-esteem is damaged, the situation is too embarrassing.Everyone can dream of being a husband and a child at home, and not competing with snakes and rats for food.So finally give up and stop fantasizing. I murmured silently, but her words were sharp and her heart was sober.Just a fragile person, lazy, and doesn't like to care about.I said, Ann, you should know that I have been paying attention to you and hope you are happy. she laughs.Her eyes are really blue, a faint baby blue, and when she looks up at people, they seem to be as bright as tears.I think that no one can stop and admire her style patiently.She is getting stronger and stronger in loneliness. Lin, you know very well that you have no future to give me.A girl from other places with unknown background, nothing but hands and brains to earn money to support herself, may leave this city at any time, will your parents accept me?I don’t have time to cook, I have to go shopping in the supermarket every week, and I have a good taste in clothing and accessories. I have always lived a free life, so I am self-centered and let it go to the end. How can you bear such a wife?Your best choice is a beautiful Shanghai girl with a stable job. You don’t need to be too smart. If you buy an ESPRIT suspender skirt in a department store, you will smile like a flower, and you will feel that your life is safe because of her. That’s good. But Ann, you don't understand me... I understand you.She interrupts me.You just never see a girl like me.In Shanghai, you rarely meet such aliens as us, crawling in the crevices, leaving home, wild and rebellious, and spouting sweet and spicy juice at any time makes people dizzy.You are a person who can smell the fragrance, you know how to appreciate it, but you can't bear it. After that night, Ann offered to resign.She finally left, just as Mike predicted.No one mentioned this girl from a foreign land anymore, and the whole office returned to the old atmosphere without any abruptness. I'm alone alone.I miss the girl who walked away at the conference, and no one gave me sober and painful air.The dull day after day may finally cover me like a thick and soft quilt, and I no longer have the strength to poke my head out to breathe.Because she once told me that I will get married at the age of 28 and I will be happy. No one knows what the concept of happiness is, maybe it is just an illusion, and the only difference between us is that I am the one who sees the illusion shattered, and you will be immersed in it, she said to me. My hallucinations are only in the scent of withered flowers in the dark passage.Only when her tears flooded my heart, that silent moment.