Chapter 5 Four if I were a woman

Any man who has suffered from girls will have three painful hopes: the first hope is to never be a good person with a single-minded affection; the second hope is to become a "Swordsman Don Juan" man; The hope is to ask Lord Yama to be reborn as a woman in the next life. Among the three hopes, the first hope seems easier to achieve, these days, there are men left but no women left, and it is very difficult to meet a woman who likes me for a while, if I am not specific, how can I get it?Therefore, it must be specific.Moreover, Master Mencius said that peace in the world must be "fixed in one". If it meets one, if it is not settled, it will not only offend women, but also offend saints. It is really not worthwhile. The lovers in Byron's works are not easy to do. To cover this kind of old man in love, he must have the qualifications of being heavy-backed, pan-haired and full-bodied. On the other hand, the author is neither swords nor chivalrous, nor Tang Juan. What qualifications make a woman distracted?Therefore, this hope, at best, can be regarded as a medium policy, but it is still difficult to implement; in this way, only being a woman can prevent being controlled by women, only being a woman can control men, only being a woman can prevent Confucius from coming to the pilgrimage, only being a woman To be able to play "Ghost Girl", woohoo!Why don't I be a woman?Alas!Why don't I be a woman?On the day of the expiry of the sentence of the eight-level hell, reincarnated as a woman, whether the request is appropriate, I respectfully pray for the ruling. "

Hades read it and hand-approved it "Accordingly, the supervisors at all levels will pay for the birth of a concubine." Lao Yan has confirmed that there is no problem with being a woman, so I am very happy, gearing up, and I am ready to start being a little lady! It is said that in the early spring of a certain year in the Republic of China, the water in Han was quiet, the Taiji was flat, and there was nothing wrong with the world. The young lady of the Luo family in Hubei suddenly dreamed of "Zhu Sheng Niang Niang" to visit overnight. Before leaving, she pushed a red envelope into her bosom. Rutu, the next morning, she announced the joy of Nongwa and gave birth to a radiant little daughter.At that time, all the sages came, and the young and old gathered together, but they were all mortals with naked eyes. I didn't know that this youngest daughter was the reincarnation of Li, a great writer back then!There are poems to prove--

Marseille is rumored to be "horse racing"; I heard that there is "Dun Lun" in London. Mr. Luo's closed yesterday, Mrs. Luo's family is giving birth today. Luo's hen does not wake up in the morning, The Luo family has big news, "The yin and yang in the previous life were completely replaced, Give birth to Li Ao as a woman! " Mr. Luo was overjoyed when he won the palm jewel, "the young girl is the lintel of the family", he immediately helped Cui Yingying, Su Xiaoxiao, Dong Wanwan, and Chen Yuanyuan as examples, and named me "Luo Meimei".

Time is like an arrow, time is like a stream of air, and in a blink of an eye, it has been the cold and heat of the 28th. At this time, I, Luo Meimei, have greasy hair on the temples, thick and moderate, and elegant demeanor, just like Luo Fu in "Moshang Sang".One day, the joint admissions list was released, and it was listed in the foreign language department of a certain university. It was listed in the Longmen, and the price was different. The suitors were like crucian carp crossing the river, and they bowed down under their nylon skirts. Those who come must be rejected, and it will not be long before the rejection, otherwise this kid retreats and is liked by other girls, wouldn't it be a mistake?Therefore, I should choose the handsome ones, the special ones, the Simaiguo ones, the submissive and beggars, the ones who pledge each other forever, the ones who cry bitterly, those who follow every step and never go, and those who are desperate, all of them will be raised as fish in a cauldron, when necessary." Old fisherman, with a fishing rod, the gossamer is in your hand, and you can pick it up as soon as you pick it up, wouldn't it be nice?

Since a boyfriend is in the urn, he has to be controlled. Do you think men are good things?In order not to make the boyfriend distracted, in order to make the little husband bow his head, he must unify his thoughts. The unification of the way, in addition to the righteousness, must prohibit them from reading some books: China , such as Ban Zhao's "Girl's Commandment", Yu Yifang's "Black Heart Talisman", foreign aspects, such as Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew", Strindberg's "Marriage Collection" (especially the one published in 1885) In the second volume, he actually said that we women are vampires!) As for books such as "Awakening Marriage" and "The Troubles of Young Werther", they advocate that men are angry with us and die for us. They are worthy of special recommendation. You can encourage them to study more and worry more .

Frankly speaking, a boyfriend is like clothes. Even if the clothes are nice and luxurious, if I wear them every day for the whole week, it will be too monotonous, and other girls will laugh at me. There are dozens of sets of clothes, and Zhao Yiyi also has five overcoats. Pastors Zhou and Fang advised us to cut down on food and clothing. I have already cut down on food for fear of getting fat.Clothes are as essential as a boyfriend’s; changing clothes is as essential as a boyfriend’s metabolism, if you get along well with him today, maybe you’ll sing an "elegy" for him tomorrow, and Zhang San Li Si is old and new, I want to treat them equally—for them "Round singing"!

If you have a boyfriend, you have to have a date. I am not a female disciple of the Platonist school, and I absolutely do not believe in spiritual love in the ivory tower and the Swan Palace.Writing love letters, pulling nails, and cutting fingers are all ways of the totem age. Modern love requires watching movies, eating macaroni, drinking coffee, and dancing. Some people say that people who love dancing have more nerves in their feet The development in the head may make sense. People who are insensitive to their feet can't dance tango well. If they can't dance tango well, they won't be able to stand out at the dance in front of everyone. If they can't show off, boys won't "dance with me" one after another. , If you don't dance with me, it will affect my "fish farming policy".

Since the boy came as scheduled, I don't have to be on time. Gai Punctuality and so on are really speaking to the director of the railway bureau, not to us women at all.Each of us women has three major enemies, the first is time, the second is men who don't chase her, and the third is other beautiful women.The most hateful thing among them is time. Time will take away my beauty and reduce my passion. What is even more unforgivable is that it makes the coat I worked so hard last year out of shape, so it is the number one public enemy of our women. I f11 definitely don't follow it.So even though it was time for the appointment, and even though I had already finished putting on rouge and powder, I still asked the boy to wait at the door of the dormitory for half an hour before talking.Firstly, it can kill its prestige and adjust its appetite; secondly, it can prolong the time of showing off in the dormitory; thirdly, why do you do it on time?Not to catch a train!

Boys are what I want, and male celebrities are also what I want. I am a little embarrassed to openly like boys, but it’s okay to openly like boys.Therefore, as a girl, you have to like male stars; if you like male stars, you have to worship them; when you worship male stars, you have to make a choice: the boy who played "Tea and Sympathy" is not bad, and you can ask for autographed photos , the fly in the ointment is that he acted in too few films, "Crazy for You", which is a lot of inconvenience; James Dean is the best, young and weird, unrestrained, and unfortunately died short-lived, tragic, beautiful, You won't marry another woman, so die well!One thing, I want to make a special statement that any male star can be liked, but Eileen Fisher must be liked!People are so lucky that they don’t know what’s possible; if they abandon their wives, don’t marry because they know what’s wrong; if Debbie is cute but not in love, it’s impossible to know!Why do you still love this kind of man who sings and sings with affection?

In addition, the constitution gives us the freedom to believe in religion. In other words, if you don’t believe in religion, it will be difficult to exercise this freedom. If you sacrifice this freedom, you will feel sorry for the representatives of the National Congress who have contributed to the party-state, so you must find a religion to believe in: Persia has In the Zoroastrianism, women are made of water, so they should believe in the "Worshiping Water Cult", but unfortunately no one made trouble to establish the Water Worshiping Cult.If there is no more rain in ten and a half months, the wife of the governor of Hong Kong may step forward and take the lead in believing in water religion; Buddhism is still acceptable, and Ding Hao believes in Buddhism, which can make the old monk greet him at the airport, and make people welcome him. The buddhist disciples joined in the theater, but what is annoying is that the "Mahaparinirvana Sutra" actually said that "the woman is a big devil who can eat everyone", ruthlessly turned our cards like this, can this outdated religion still believe in it?It is said that Islam is not bad, but this religion is too violent. When Muhammad preached, he would light up the shining sword at every turn. If he didn’t believe it, he might be killed. The Qinglong was under the moon, so he had no choice but to believe it, but he would commit suicide easily , - It's not worth it to die for a man in prison!Taoism may really have to be considered. Taoism is a progressive religion. Back then, Tianshi Zhang went to the altar to make mercury and burn alchemy, but the modern Zhang Tianshi went to the radio station and used scientific methods to spread the Tao.It’s just that there are too few Taoists, and the boys in the church can’t see it. All they see are old Taoists who catch ghosts and demons. They are accidentally misunderstood as female ghosts and witches and captured by him. Is good?From this point of view, you have to choose between Christianity and the Archbishop. If you believe in these two religions, it is easy to be misunderstood for the purpose of having a boyfriend.Learning English and getting milk powder, I personally ask myself as hard as the sun and the moon, so naturally I don't need to pay attention to the hearts of these heretics and heretics.It is said that there are more than 250 sects of Christianity in the United States, and there are so many in China that I don’t know which sect to believe in. Some believe in wearing black hats and becoming old maids, and some want to cry wildly during prayers. These actions are more than pious, but not aesthetically pleasing, especially when you meet your boyfriend, what do you look like?Catholicism is simple and solemn, and the nuns are spotless, which is a very good gold-lettered signboard. After entering the Catholic Church, the Virgin Mary without anvil is on top, and the one kneeling below is naturally the saint.Saintess, what a tempting term!Joan of Arc is a saint, and little Teresa is also a saint. Under the cover of the archbishop, modern saints can go on pilgrimages to Rome in groups and then go to America.Alas!Catholicism, Catholicism, if you believe in the religion, you can float on the sea, how can I not believe in Catholicism?

Aristotle said that man is a political animal, which is actually more true for men.Politics must be able to kill, slash, and act on stage. If you want to attack your enemies, you can also betray your friends. ... These thick-skinned and dark-hearted things are not suitable for us women.What we can do in politics, apart from opening the back door to receive red envelopes, we also hope to build more nepotism-related relationships for our husbands.As for myself, I am not as interested in politics as I am in that floral dress. I don't care how Kennedy handles the situation in Chaguo, but how he handles his temper. The first page of the newspaper seems to be nothing to look at Yes, in this era, there will be no more wars between heroes and beauties like those in Greece and Rome. Modern men are all dogs. They don’t fight for beauties, but quarrel over a few little blacks in Africa. That’s not right. It's romantic, what's the point of such news?So I only read magazines, and read Li Ao's articles in magazines. Reading magazines gradually made me interested in literature and art. Without women, men would not have literary works. Women, as karma, are uniquely blessed to engage in literature. Women in ancient times wanted to be Sappho, and women in modern times wanted to be Austin. Modern women I felt that it was not fashionable to be them, so I thought of Shagang, so America has Shagang, Japan has Shagang, and China also has so-called Shagang (including those who claim to be Shagang and those who are praised by low-level literati), but in my opinion , They are all fake Shagang who can't pretend to be a tiger. The real Shagang is waving to me across the sea, but he is making faces at them! Although I personally want to be Shagang, I will never marry a man who studies literature and history. Generally speaking, men who study literature and history are much smarter than those stupid men who study science, engineering, and medicine. Sweet talk, can perform suicide, can tell stories of martyrdom.They are the best lovers, but the worst husbands.They're worthless and unreliable, they treat each other lightly, and they steal each other's belongings. Their only ability is to write long and transcendent stinking articles, talk nonsense, and do shit.What is even more obscene is to go to the court to brazenly sue others for slander, and at the same time secretly use poisonous tricks to make others drop out of school and lose their jobs.No matter how shameless and insidious we women are, we will never be like them.When they open their mouths, they are hypocritical and scold others as "men steal women and prostitutes". In fact, it is not shameful for women to be forced to be prostitutes. They just sell their "body". How many men are voluntarily selling their "soul" Selling, why can't the "flesh" be sold? So Chuan Jesus was willing to accept a prostitute to wash his feet; at that time, if a traitor also rushed to wash his feet, he would definitely not accept it, and would kick the traitor's stinky foot! In short, being a woman is the same as cooking. It is a great art of superb craftsmanship. From breast augmentation on the inside, to frowns and smiles on the outside, to expressing affection in secret, to the beauty of the face, all are beyond the comprehension of the confused descendants of Adam.The British poet Meredith (George Meredith) believed that women are the last things to be civilized by men, but they are actually the first animals to be conquered by us.We conquered them and made them envy us endlessly, and every man wanted to become a woman. In the country of fragrance, in the island of daughters, and in the ocean where mermaids are infested, there is a gloomy and peaceful atmosphere everywhere. There is no war, only the beauty that no one pursues is left, accompanied by the orchids in the empty valley and the roses in the wasteland, sighing in the autumn wind. 〔postscript〕 Mr. Zheng Qingmao gave me his translation of "Elegy" and "Rolling Song" by Japanese female writer Yasuko Harada.I borrowed the title of this novel, put it in this fantasy article, and used it as a Pun.The first draft of this article was on July 7, 1961, and it was revised twice later, and finally published in "Wen Xing" No. 68 (published in Taipei on June 1, 1963).After I published it, I was scolded by female readers, and Hu Qiuyuan brought me to the court to sue, saying that I had slandered him. (August 16, 1963)