Chapter 66 chapter Five

He asked the commander of the second battalion to lead his troops to board two trucks waiting at the bottom of the valley, first to go to the new station of the A regiment, and then asked the jeep driver and guards to wait for him in the car, walking alone on the thick layer of dead leaves, Into the deep forest. He stopped under a giant eucalyptus.The surroundings are extremely quiet, only some insects are screaming intermittently; the grass is green under the trees, and the grass leaves are sprinkled with spots of sunlight; a wild flower blooms dazzlingly like a beauty; The breath of life rushed in like a rolling heat wave.Jiang Tao lay on his back and closed his eyes.

Zhang Li!I have no chance!Every luck in the war has missed me!I have to live! No need to open your letter again.I just skimmed through it last night, and every word and every sentence in the letter has melted into my soul! "...Jiang Tao, I love you, I want to marry you," the voice of a familiar and long-lost woman echoed throughout the forest, making Jiang Tao's eye sockets filled with tears. "...My life belongs to you. I don't love anyone but you, including the whole world....You are my world." The female voice was full of tearful trills. "...I really want to marry you, even if I live a real married life for a day....I don't want to just be your lover!"

The letter ends here.A letter without beginning or end, without signature and date.But the main part of it is already written! "This is the last thing you left for me.... You didn't mean to be jealous of Bai Fan, nor did you resent my ruthlessness! But it hurt my bleeding heart even more! In front of you, all I have left is hypocrisy, Vile and cruel! "Zhang Li, you are the only woman who regards my love as more precious than her own life, but I have blind eyes and haven't seen it clearly for a long time....Late at night, before leaving Mao'erling, why couldn't you Resist the brutality I have imposed on your fate? Why can't you rush into cave number two and rebuke me?... You didn't even intend to let me see this letter because you didn't finish it, You didn't leave it in Mao'erling either.... Even when you were dying, you still loved me deeply. Don't you want to hinder me with this letter?...

"Maybe you didn't even think you were going to die. ... You just chose the battlefield. But the result is the same. You sacrificed, and I'm still the one who pushed you from my side to the battlefield and death!  … "I thought I would definitely die in the war. In this way, my sins might be forgiven. But I survived.... I don't know how to face your memories and my regrets in the long years to come .Your love, your tolerance, and your death will make me never forget that I am an ugly person." "He made a gesture of drawing a gun with his hand. At this moment, he knew that his heart was sincere. But there was no pistol around him for a long time. Since he often went to the battlefield, the pistol was replaced by a submachine gun used by soldiers, and The submachine gun was picked up by the guard and put into the jeep just now. Immediately, he felt a strong hatred for his subconscious action just now. "...Jiang Tao, don't act anymore. ... Zhang Li can't see this anymore. ...It is meaningless for you to do this again today, and it is also an act of cowardice and avoiding pain and punishment. . . . and you will live and suffer the long torment of your heart. ... You can only atone for yourself in this painful way. ..."

"He lay quietly under the tree for a while, and although he still didn't know how he could survive the post-war years, the most painful and difficult moment in his heart had passed. "...I am no longer the original Jiang Tao. That Jiang Tao is dead." A less intense voice sounded in his heart again. "...But I am not the battle hero that others advertise....I am just a soldier who has just walked off the battlefield and is extremely exhausted physically and mentally. What I long for is not honor, reward, or promotion, but to go home and rest, what is it? I just lie in a rocking chair every day, look at the sky, and listen to music..." His consciousness flowed here, and his eyes became moist again, because the home he imagined was not his mother's home in Beijing, but The home he could have built with Zhang Li after the war.His mistake not only caused him to lose Zhang Li, but also lost a home that could give him warmth, love and rest after the war.After the war, other soldiers could go home to rest, but he was homeless alone!

"This is punishment.... You would have had a home, but you lost it...." His heart was not as painful as before, but he knew that a disease had been planted in the deep soil of his soul Yes, it will hurt when he meets the right time, but he can think more peacefully after all. "...You have never really respected Zhang Li, and your attitude towards her has always been frivolous and not serious....Even without this war and without the female reporter Bai Fan, you will still lose Zhang Li in the end. … The same is true of your attitude towards Bai Fan. You saw her obsession with you, so you used her. On the night before the war, you walked into the woods behind the command tent with her, but you rejected her love. … ...Bai Fan is not a woman who can do her best. You don't really love her, but you have insulted her with your actions..."

He realized that his inner purpose had shifted.After all, Bai Fan is also another problem he has to face after leaving the battlefield.By this time, he has been able to look at many things fairly and objectively. "During your relationship with Bai Fan, did Bai Fan make any mistakes? No,...she is just a little naive, and lacks experience in dealing with men like you, so she temporarily had fantasies about a man like you. ...But it's not a fault. The fault is that instead of eliminating her obsession with you, you made various gestures to make her fall deeper and deeper in her obsession.... Bai Fan doesn't know the story of you and Zhang Li, At least she didn't know much about it during the day and night when she just arrived at Mao'erling, she was not at fault in Zhang Li's death. But you blamed her for Zhang Li's death, deliberately indifferent and alienated her throughout the war. … …This war is also heavy and difficult for the two reporters. Due to your fault, Bai Fan’s experience in the war was particularly difficult. …

"After so many things have happened, it is impossible and impossible for you to accept her love now. But you should at least apologize to her before she and Xiao Qun leave, and try to get her understanding . . . ” He lay down on the grass in the forest for a while before he opened his eyes and sat up slowly.He knew that the problem in his heart had not been solved, but had just begun, and Zhang Li's death would become a permanent trauma in his heart.However, he finally felt that he could handle the relationship with another woman more openly. Yin Guocai told him last night that Xiao Qun and Bai Fan were going to leave Maoerling and return to Beijing at noon today, and the troops in X City had already booked their train tickets for tonight.Jiang Tao looked at his watch, there was still an hour and a half before twelve noon.Without further delay, he stood up, walked out of the woods, got into the car and went back to Maoerling.