Chapter 5 Chapter Four
Until now, whenever I think about the process of leaving Abbas with John, there is always a feeling of being in a dream.
After a few weeks, we had to go back to the real world of Abbas Manor, and I had to compete for my own survival, and work hard for all this.
On the first day we came back, I was not afraid at all. My heart was so full of success that I had no time to worry.It was John who was terrified, and I realized at that moment that I was married to a coward.
The day we left Abbas I made up my mind either that I would never come back, or that I would come back as Mrs. St. Langston.And then everything happened just as I wanted it to, John obeyed, and he was more eager than I was to have the solemn wedding ceremony, and then we honeymooned in a hotel there.
The days when John and I were on our honeymoon are things I don't want to recall.Our relationship is all about a partnership of sensual desire.I don't love him, and he doesn't love me either.Perhaps he has an admiration for the stubbornness in my nature.
However, since the relationship between us is a naked physical relationship, what should we do if we were immersed in this relationship for a few days without thinking about the next step?
But then I feel like this relationship has fulfilled my dream, which has given rise to a new desire - I can't wait to conceive and become a mother to Jazz!My whole being was waiting for a child.During the days in the hotel with John, I felt that my life had no meaning other than a physical passion, but at the same time I felt a rising power in me, that I must be able to conceive a child, I really look forward to being able to hold my own baby right away.
I didn't tell John about these thoughts, but he sensed a certain longing in me that he misunderstood completely and wanted me all the more because of it, "I don't regret it at all . . . I don't regret it!" he used to cry; Sensing my cold attitude, he smiled and said, "You're a witch, Clentha. I've always thought you were a witch, as powerful as your grandmother. For so many days, it seemed to me that you hated me, but we Need each other again. Now, what about the pastor?"
"John, don't be too confident!" I reminded him.
He always laughed and wanted to have sex with me, and I couldn't help it, especially thinking that maybe, this time, it would bring my son.
John always carried himself away and enjoyed himself, and I later thought that this characteristic of him was his tragedy.During the days in the hotel, everyone saw that we were newlyweds; John was absorbed in our world, but on the night before returning to Abbas, he became nervous.
He had already written to his brother, telling him that we were coming back soon and that Polo Station would pick us up.
I will never forget the moment I got off the train that day, wearing a green velvet casual suit and a green hat with a black border.These were bought for me by John, and he said I would make Judith feel ashamed in my attire.
John seemed to hate his family very much, but I knew at the time that his mentality was mostly due to his fear of them.He always did that, refusing to admit fear and calling it hatred.Sometimes, when he talked about our relationship, I also felt that he was actually very scared.He said that I forced him to come to this point, but he didn't regret it, he said that we understand each other, support each other, and we realize that we need each other, don't we?
The attitude when we were picked up at Polo Station was depressing.Of course, what could he say of me, a woman who used to sit and dine with the servants, who was suddenly Mrs. St. Langston?He was really at a loss.
"Hello, Mr. John, hello... um... Mrs."
"Hello, Polo," I said. "How is everyone?"
Poirot gave me a meaningful look, and I quickly imagined the servants' discussion at the dinner table last night; I seemed to hear Mrs. Rolt and Mrs. Soult calling "My God!" I'm so surprised, honey..."
However, I don't need to care about what the servants say at the table now?
We bumped all the way to Abbas, and this big house looked more beautiful and magnificent in my eyes than ever.
When we stopped in the hall, Poirot said that old Mrs. St. Langston had ordered us to see her at once.
John seemed uneasy, but I was calm and composed. I need not be afraid. I am Mrs. St. Langston now.
With the old lady were Justin and Judith, and they were all surprised when we walked in the door!
"Come here, John!" said the old lady, and John stepped forward immediately, and I followed him and stood beside John.
The old lady was obviously out of breath, she was trembling all over.It's not difficult for me to imagine how distraught she must have been when she first heard the news.She didn't even look at me, but I knew she had worked so hard to get this way.I'm dressed, I feel good, and I'm ready for any challenge.
"Look at the mess you've made for us," she went on, her voice trembling, "look at .
"Mom, I..." John began to speak.
But she held out her hand to stop him.
"Never in my memory have St. Langston's name tarnished like you."
I said: "Mrs. St. Langston, this is not to tarnish the reputation. We have had a holy wedding, and I have proof."
Pretending not to hear me, she went on, "I hope this is just an act of naughtiness on your part, John, though it's much more serious than I expected."
Sir Justin came and sat beside his mother, putting his hand on her shoulders, and said slowly, "Mother, the water is beyond our control. Let's think about what we should do? You are welcome into our home, Clentha."
However, I couldn't see the slightest welcome from his face.I saw that he hated everything in front of him as much as his mother, but he seemed calmer and more rational than the old lady.He thought it humiliating that John wanted a maid wife, but since it had happened, it was best to ignore it.
Compared with his attitude, I admire his mother more.
Judith stood up for her husband: "You're right, honey, Clentha is a Langston now." She smiled at me.I know she doesn't care what I do, all she wants is her husband's undivided love.
"Thanks," I said, "we're back from our journey, we're very tired, and the train is so dirty, I'd like a bath; by the way, John, I'd like some tea."
When they heard what I said, they were all dumbfounded.I can see that while the old lady is angry about her son, she has to look at me differently. After all, I can command John to obey me.She said to John, "There will be a chance to have a good talk with you."
I chimed in and said, "We can talk about it next time," I smiled at my mother-in-law and said, "What we want more than a cup of tea right now." I took John's arm while they were still there. Without responding, he walked out of the room.
We went into John's room and I rang the bell.
John stared at me blankly, with the same expression as his family just now. Before he could say anything, Mrs. Rolt walked in.
"How do you do, Mrs. Rolt," I said, "bring us some tea, please."
She stared at me for a long time before saying, "Um...yes...ma'am."
I can imagine what she would say to the crowd waiting there as she ran back to the kitchen?
John stood against the door and laughed out loud after a while.
"Witch!" he cried, "I married a witch!"
I can't wait to see Granny soon, but I have to see Melora first. I went to her room; she was waiting for me there, but when I opened the door I found her staring at me not so differently from the Langstons. "Clenza!" she called out to me. "It's Mrs. St. Langston," I reminded her, smiling. "You really married John!" "I have a marriage certificate, you can see it." I held out my left hand and showed her my wedding ring. "How can you do this!" "What's so strange about it, it's all changed now. That Kali is no more, I'm not ordered to do this or that anymore, and I'm my old master's sister-in-law. Think about it all, that poor Clentha Carley, the country girl, has become Mrs. St. Langston." "Krentha, you are a real fright at times." "I scare you?" I looked her in the eyes, "You don't have to worry about me, I'll take care of myself." Her face flushed suddenly, and she understood that I was implying that she could not take care of herself. Biting her lip, she said after a moment, "It looks like you're not a maid anymore. Oh, Clentha, do you think it's all worth it?" "I'm afraid it's too early to draw conclusions, what do you think?" "I do not understand." "Yes, you won't understand." "But I always thought you hated him." "It's not annoying now." "Is it because he gave you your current position?" I hate the sarcasm in her tone, "But at least, he married me willingly." I rushed out the door.But I came back a few minutes later and saw Melora lying on the bed with her face buried in the pillows and me lying next to her.Seriously, I can't bear the thought that we're not friends anymore. "Now, we seem to be back in the past again." I said. "No...it's completely different from the past." "It's just that our positions have changed. At that time, I was at your house and you took care of me; now, I will take care of you." "It's not going to end well like this." "Then let's wait and see!" "If you really love John..." "There are many kinds of love, Melora. There is one kind of love, selfless and sacred..." "Kronsa, you seem so indifferent." "It's often at its best." "I don't believe you. What's the matter with you, Crenza?" "What's the matter with us?" I asked her back. We lay there like that, wondering what would happen to her love for Justin.
I was eager to see my grandmother, and the next day, I asked Polo to drive the carriage to the village. I was dressed in a new outfit, green and black, and the moment I stepped out of the carriage, my heart skipped a beat.I told Polo to pick me up in an hour. Grandma looked at me worriedly. "How are you? My baby." She always asked. "I am Mrs. St. Langston now, grandmother." "So you got what you wanted, huh?" "just began." "Oh," her eyes widened, but she didn't ask me further what I wanted to do next. She put her hands on my shoulders and looked at my face carefully. "You look very happy." She finally said. I threw myself into her arms and hugged her tightly.When I let her go, she turned away, and I knew she didn't want me to see her cry.I took off my coat and hat, went upstairs, and lay on the big bed, watching my grandma smoke her pipe and chatting with her. She was a little different from before, and sometimes she seemed not to listen to me, but immersed in her own thoughts.But I don't care if she listens or not, as far as I'm concerned, it's just a matter of having someone who can make me open up and tell all that's on my mind. I was so sure in my heart that soon I would be a mother.I hope it's a boy—heir to the St. Langston family. "Grandma, if Justin has no children, my child can inherit the Abbas Manor and he can become a knight. Do you think that's good? Sir Justin St. Langston is also your great-grandson .” "My dear, you have always been in pursuit of goals," she said, "and perhaps life consists in such pursuits; but do you love your husband?" "Love? Grandma, he gave me what I want. Without him, everything I am now would be possible." "You take this as compensation for love?" "I'm in love, Granny." "Love your husband?" "Loving everything in front of you, grandma, what else is more worthwhile than this?" "Yes, people can't be dissatisfied forever, right? Now that you've got what you want, don't think about how to get it. I can also leave it at ease, Kronsa, as long as your heart can always be as it is now. So happy." "Don't say such things, grandma." I said something to her, and she smiled at me. "It's not that I want to say such things, my little beauty, life and death are up to her, wealth and honor are in the sky." We couldn't help but looked at each other and smiled, and I felt that she was much more relaxed than when I first arrived.
I do rejoice in what I got!All of this seems to be a matter of course. Thinking about all the things in front of me, I taught myself, learned over and over again, and suffered so much.I imitated the fuss of the servants in the kitchen, and John couldn't help laughing when he heard it.I can give orders to servants with the solemnity of Mrs. Langston, with no less dignity than Judith.Judith and I have actually become good friends.Sometimes I still comb her hair as usual, but I let her understand that this is not a service from a servant, but a way of expressing affection between sisters.The fact that I married John even made her happy in a way, because she understood that not all women were after her Justin.Of course, if Melora eloped with John, it would make her even happier. Judith is relaxed around me now, and I'm sure it won't be long before she's pouring out her heart to me. With Judith's acquiescence, I ordered the servants to prepare a room for John and me, and brought some furniture from other rooms.I felt the servants gossiping behind my back, and I knew the old lady was telling people how unhappy John's marriage was, and I didn't care.She is in her twilight years, and I am in my youth, and my prospects are bright and bright. I quietly waited for the first signs of pregnancy.But I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant with a son, and if I announce to the house that I'm going to be a mother, then my status will be fully respected.Moreover, the old lady herself is very much looking forward to having a grandson soon, and she has given up hope for Judith. I went to see Joe at the vet that day.I had already told John that he would make Joe the doctor of the district, and John had agreed, so I wanted to tell Joe the good news at once. Mr. Polent's house used to look very rich to me, but now it looks very poor.But, anyway, not too bad.The houses were set back from the road, which was full of poor people's barns and low houses.But his house was different.As I approached, I noticed someone peeping behind the curtains of his house. A girl from his family came to meet me in the hall. "Oh, come in, come in!" I noticed that she had just changed into a linen dress in a hurry. I followed into the living room. The living room was very clean, apparently it was rarely used.I took one of the offered chairs and sat down, inadvertently glancing at the Chinese china on the mantelpiece. "I'm here to see Joe," I said. "Oh, yes, I'll go and tell him right away, please wait a moment." I smiled at her and motioned her to call Joe.I feel all the talk these days about my marriage, because Joe is my brother, and people think differently about him; and I'm happy about that (I'm always proud of my family's prosperity). I admired the silver and china by myself, and thought to myself, the Polent family is not rich, but it is not bad. After a while, Miss Polent came in, and she told me that Joe was very busy and asked her to take me. to where he works. I was a little upset when I heard that, and felt that this family was not good enough for Joe, but I held back and followed Miss Polent into a room in silence, and saw Joe standing by a bench stirring a liquid . Joe saw me genuinely happy, and I kissed him. He held up the liquid in his hand and said, "This is a new drug, Mr. Polent and I both think it's the newest drug." "Really?" I said copiously. "Joe, I have good news for you." He smiled and said, "Oh, I know, you became Mrs. St. Langston, and we all know that you eloped with Mr. John." I frowned and thought: He should really learn to speak like a gentleman. "You will hear from me," said he, "that it is funny that you eloped on the same day as Mr. Langston and Hetty Pengast." I was taken aback, "Herty Pengast!" "Haven't you heard? She's gone too. I tell you, it's unusual in the Pengasts, Saul Candy wants to kill; but... Doll says she must have gone to London, she And said that the place Hetty always wanted to go was London." I was lost in thought, forgetting the purpose of my coming here.Hetty Pengast!It's strange how she chose to go to London on the day John and I ran away. "So she really went to London," I said. "Nobody knows, but that's what they say. There was a young man from London who lived here in the summer, and Dole said he and Hetty got on very hotly. Dole said he must have been with Hetty while he was here." Dee agreed... but maybe she's talking nonsense." I looked at Joe, and it pissed me off at the way he looked so content. "I have good news for you, Joe!" I said. He looked at me and I said, "It's different now, you don't have to stay here and do this lowly job." He frowned and looked unhappy. "Joe, I have always wanted to do something for you, and now that I am able, I can help you become a doctor. Tonight, you told Mr. Polent that you have a lot to learn; tomorrow I will hear from Dr. Hillard suggestion, and then..." "I don't understand what you're talking about, Clentha," he cut me off, a blush welling up in his face. "I'm Mrs. St. Langston now, Jo, and you know what that means?" Joe put down the bottle in his hand, and limped to a shelf, and took down a jar from the shelf, which contained some liquid, and he shook the jar blankly.I looked at him; my heart was pounding, and I thought of the night when Jin and I rescued him together; I missed Jin deeply. "I don't see what it has to do with me," he said. "I'd rather be with Mr. Polent. That's where I really want to be." "You could be a doctor now, but you'd rather be a veterinarian?" "This is where I want to be." He repeated what he had just said. "But, Joe..." He limped up to me and said, "Kronsa, your problem is that you want everything, and you want people to have your way. But I don't want to, you understand? I just want to be with you. Mr Pollent is with me, and here is my place." "You're a big fool, Joe Carley," I said. "That's what you think, but I'm willing to be such a fool." I was furious, and that was the first troublesome thing that ever happened to me.I've always been very clear about what I want.My dream is to make myself Mrs. St. Langston, my son to be the heir of Abbas Manor, my younger brother to be a doctor, and my grandmother to live in a luxurious palace of talents to enjoy her old age. I want to realize this dream every detail. But, Joe, this man who is always docile and obedient stands in the middle of my dream come true! I turned around angrily, opened the door abruptly, and almost bumped into Miss Polent who was standing at the door. She had obviously been standing here eavesdropping. I ignored her and walked away. I heard her say, "Oh, Joe, you ain't leaving here, are you?" I stopped and listened, and Joe said, "No, Essie, you know I'm never leaving here, I'm here forever, with you, a veterinarian, I belong here." I was so pissed off , hurriedly left there.
Two months into my marriage, I'm absolutely sure I'm pregnant. When I was a little skeptical at first, I only told my grandma; when I was sure, I made the news public. The joy of my success is far greater than the joy of imagining the future. At Abbas Manor, I let my mother-in-law be the first to hear the news.I came to her room and knocked on her door.She was alone in the room and looked unhappy to be interrupted. "I don't have time to see you right now," she said.She has never called me anything so far. "I want you to be the first to know what I'm going to tell you," I said coldly. "If you don't want to hear it, then don't blame me for not telling you." "What's the matter?" she asked. "Can I sit down and talk?" She nodded. "I'm pregnant." I said. She lowered her head, but after a while I could see the excitement in her eyes. "Obviously, because of this, marriage is still necessary." I stood up, "You want to insult me, that's your business, but I want to tell you that your assumption is wrong. Also, the child I will be born will prove you wrong, of course you have to believe In my case, you still need evidence. I regret that I let you be the first to know the good news, I am so stupid." I turned and walked towards the door, and was about to close it when she called softly "Kronsa."I walked away and went to John and I's room. I felt that my vanity had been greatly hurt, and I wanted to talk to my grandma, but when I was putting on my coat, there was a knock on the door.Standing at the door was Mrs. Rolt. "The old lady said she would be very happy if you came to her now... ma'am!" "I'm going out now," I said, but after a moment's hesitation, I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Yes, I'll stop by her on my way down, thank you, Mrs. Rolt." Mrs. Rolt's lips were trembling. I knew her too well, and she wanted to say: "Look at your airs, as if you were born to be rich." I pushed open the door of the old lady's room and stood there waiting. "Kronsa, please come in." Her voice was a little more polite this time. I approached her and stood there. "Please sit down." I sat on the edge of the chair and showed her that her words had little effect on me. "I'm glad to hear the news you just gave me," she said. I really couldn't hide the joy in my heart, so I couldn't help but say: "This is what I'm looking forward to...more than anything else," I said again: "I hope it's a son." At this moment, our relationship changed.She disapproved of me being her daughter-in-law, but I was young, in good health, and pretty for the neighbourhood; and in two months of marriage I was pregnant with her grandson, but Judith couldn't give her all that.The old lady had had all that life had to offer her; she must have quickly adjusted herself to her husband's flirtatious habits when she was young, and perhaps she still felt that a man should be like this, so long as she herself still had the family responsibilities. She doesn't care about status.I don't know what her married life is like, but I feel that she has a certain temperament, admiration for power, courage to take control of her own life, and likes to influence the will of people around her, which is somewhat similar to me; it is also because of our similarity , it is easy to communicate with each other once we are open and honest. "I'm glad," she said. "You must take care of yourself, Clentha." "As long as I can give birth to a healthy boy, I will do anything." She smiled and said, "Don't be too confident. It doesn't have to be a boy. If it's a girl, we'd be equally happy. Besides, you're still young, so it's not easy to have a boy?" "But I really want a son," I said eagerly. She nodded, "Then let's pray that it's a boy. I'll take you to see the nursery myself tomorrow. Abbas hasn't had a baby cry for many years. If I wasn't so tired today, I would take you there now." .” "Then wait until tomorrow!" I said. Our eyes met and I felt her finally give in.This proud old lady, who until recently had angrily denounced her son's marriage, accepted me as her daughter-in-law so quickly and with joy. It is our common hope to have an heir to St. Langston, and the present hope rests entirely on me alone. Pregnant women often become completely different from what they used to be.The only thing she cares about is the fetus that grows day by day in her womb; she can feel carefully that the fetus's young body is growing vigorously. My life now seems to be waiting for the day when the baby will fall to the ground. I also became peaceful and satisfied, and my whole person seemed extremely gentle.Dr. Hillard used to come to see me, and Melora and I were always busy making little dresses in the rose garden; Melora was happy to help. The old lady let me go, she didn't dare to say anything about me.If I want Melora to accompany me, she will let her come; no one should neglect me, and I have become the key protection object of the whole family. Sometimes I am laughing at the situation myself.I feel happy and content like never before. As for John, I have no interest in him now.But he also seemed to have changed. In his life, he had never felt so proud of his family.After all, he left offspring for the Langstons, and Justin didn't. When I was with John, he always liked to make fun of Jia Jinting. "He's always been impeccable, and I've been oppressed because of him. It's a misfortune to have such an obedient brother. But, for one thing alone, he's a saint and I'm a scoundrel!" He laughed out loud as he spoke, and put his arms around me. I pushed him away, reminding him to be careful of the child in my stomach. John was sprawled on the bed, looking at me. "You always drive me crazy," he said. "I really feel like I've married a witch." "Then please remember, don't mess with me, otherwise, I will chant a spell to make you restless." I warned him. "You've already read the spell, look at the whole family, including my dear mother, Kronsa, you wizard, how on earth do you control all this?" I patted my big belly and said, "It's my competitive belly that helped me a lot." "Tell me, did you worship the god of childbirth with your grandmother to get you pregnant so soon?" "Never mind how I did it, the important thing is that the results in front of me are satisfactory." He jumped up and kissed me, and I pushed him away again.He is no longer my interest.
I sat under a tree with Melora and made clothes.The way she tilts her head when she's concentrating on her sewing is so cute.I seem to have gone back to the past, seeing her sitting in the garden with Miss Caro and reading a book.Now, our status has changed so much!Of course, while I have all this now, I still owe her a favor. Dear Melora, I owe you what I owe you, and I will never pay it back in this life! I sincerely hope she is as happy as I am.But while I was praying like this, I felt a dull pain in my heart.For her, happiness is to marry Justin, but how could Justin marry her if he has Judith?Unless you wait for the day Judith dies.However, if she does marry Justin, she will have children... a son... Her son will be ranked ahead of my son in seniority! My sons: Mr. St. Langston; Sir Justin of Melora. This is too bad.But don't worry now, because Melora will never marry Justin, and besides, my senses tell me that Judith is barren.
I eagerly look forward to the passing of time, it seems that only when I hold my son in my arms can I really feel at ease.Sometimes, I also worry about being a daughter.I'd rather have a daughter, so that I can arrange her as carefully as my grandmother arranged my life.However, whether my dream can be realized in the end, I must give birth to a son.Only my son can own Abbas, and I will pass on the manor to him, and my blood will be in the veins of his future generations. So, I must have a son. Grandma is very proficient in things like having children. When I asked her, she said that I would have a son; she said that the shape of my stomach should be a son.As the months wore on, she became more and more certain that she was the son, and so did my joy. I was immersed in my own happiness and didn't care about the people and things around me at all.I never think that what I am today is all due to the help of people around me.Melora said, "Who would have thought of today? At that time you were standing in the labor market, so pitiful!" What she meant by this was: If you are so miserable, you can still have the glory and wealth of today, then I should too There is a better future than the present. As the baby in my belly grew day by day, the love between Melora and Justin also grew day by day.Their innocence made their feelings apparent, and Judith understood them all too well. Judith hasn't hired anyone since I got married.Dole helps her with things, and sometimes I do her hair too.One day, she and Justin were going to dinner at the Heimfells', and I promised to do her hair. I knocked lightly on her door, but there was no answer, so I opened it and went in, calling, "Judith, are you there?" Still no one answered, but I saw it: she was lying on her back in bed. "Judith," I called again, still silent, and for a second I thought she was dead, and then it flashed in my mind: Now Melora can marry Justin, they There will be a son, who will come before my son. I'm really going crazy about my son. As I approached the bed, I heard a long sigh and was startled to see her eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. "Judith," I said, "do you remember? I promised to do your hair today." She grunted and I bent over her to see her cheeks were wet. "Oh . . . Clenza," she said softly. "What happened?" She shook her head. "You are crying." "Why can't I cry?" "What happened to who?" "There's always so much trouble." "Judith, tell me what happened." "He doesn't like me," she choked out, dazed, as if talking to herself, "it got worse when she came. Did he really think I was ignoring it? It was obvious." It's over, isn't it? Their hearts are calling out to each other, they are really a couple... But they are such kind people, how can I hate them... If they weren't so kind, I would have killed them Yes. She's meek as a lamb, isn't she? And she's such a pitiful look, like a princess in trouble, fatherless, so young, and set out to fend for herself. Poor Melora! A miserable life. She needs the protection of others so much, I will protect her." I said, "Shh - Judith, it'll be heard." "Who are you?" she asked. "It's Kerenza..." she laughed. "My maid is going to give birth to an heir to the family now! This is another thing against me, don't you understand? Kerenza, this country girl can Bear Langston's children, and I am a barren woman! A barren fig tree! That's me, Judith. Now all are close to you--Crontha; all things are centered on you. We Take good care of Kronsa, does Kronza catch a cold? She's pregnant now. Funny, isn't it? A few months ago, everyone called her Kali...she's been bullied here, and now she's sacrosanct because she is the mother of the future heir." "Judith," I interrupted, "what's the matter with you?" What's wrong? When I bent over her again, I found the answer: I smelled alcohol. Judith...she's drinking, drinking away her sorrows! "You've been drinking, Judith!" I said reproachfully. "So what if you drink?" "This is too inappropriate." "Excuse me, who are you and want to control me?" "We are sisters-in-law, I should care about you." "My friend! You are her friend! Her friend is my enemy. Kerentha, nervous mother, you have changed since you married John." "Did you forget that you're going to Heimfer's for dinner today? Both you and Justin are going?" "If he wants, he can take her with him!" "You're so childish; I'll get you an espresso, cheer up, Judith, you're going to dinner with Justin, he'll be calling you in an hour, and if he sees you now He'll hate that look." "He already hated me anyway." "Then don't make him feel more disgusted." "He's tired of my love for him; he's a cold-blooded animal, Clentha, and how can I love a cold-blooded animal?" "I don't know what to tell you, but if you want to push him away from now on, you're doing it right now!" She grabbed my arm and said, "Oh, Clentha, don't take him from me...don't let him go." She was sobbing, and I said to her, "I'll help you, but you have to do as I tell you. I'll get you coffee, don't let the servants see you like this, they love to chew your tongue. I马上就回来，然后就给你做发型，赶在吃饭前还来得及。” “我讨厌海姆费尔家……愚蠢的海姆费尔。” “那你也得装得喜欢他们，这样才能讨得贾斯廷的欢心。” “不，只有一件事能让他高兴，克伦莎，如果我也能怀孕，我也能当妈妈。” “也许会的。”我说这话的同时，心中则是强烈地希望她永远不会生孩子。 “他是个冷血动物，克伦莎。” “那你就该想办法让他热起来，像你现在这样酗酒怎么行？将来我会教你的，现在你躺下等我回来。” 她点点头说：“你是我的朋友，克伦莎，正如你以前保证的一样。” 我走到自己的房间里，摇了铃，不一会儿，多儿进来了。 “请给我咖啡，多儿，要快！” “咖啡……嗯，太太？” “是咖啡，多儿，我突然想喝咖啡。” 她走出门去，我敢肯定她们在厨房里议论我要喝咖啡。但是，孕妇常会有突发奇想的念头的。 多儿把咖啡送来后就走了。她一走，我便赶紧拿去给朱迪思，不幸的是，这时，我在信道上碰到了罗尔特太太。 如果他们怀疑我要咖啡的动机是为了朱迪思，那说明他们早已知道她在酗酒。这也是极有可能的，不管怎么样，她把酒从地窖拿到自己房间里，不可能不给哈格第看到。如果哈格第想保住自己的位置，他就必然会告诉贾斯廷，照这样看来，朱迪思才刚刚开始酗酒，也就是说要阻止她还来得及。 我倒出些咖啡，让朱迪思喝下，我做这一切时在想：佣人们对我们的生活一定是观察仔细，没有什么秘密能瞒得了他们的眼睛。
那一年的五月特别炎热，但是对将要出生的孩子来说倒是件好事。树篱上爬满了各色野花，四处鸟语花香。但我的负担越来越重。一阵阵的痛苦意味着我的孩子即将来到这世上，所以我忍受着这肉体上的痛楚。 希拉德医生和接生婆守候在我床边，我感到整幢房子里的人都在紧张地等待着孩子初来人世的一声啼哭。 我想起了那被围在墙里的修女，她的痛苦不会大于我现在所面临的疼痛。但我满怀欣喜地忍受着。与修女相比，我的痛苦又是截然不同的，她是被打败后走向死亡的痛苦，而我是迎接新生命胜利的痛楚。 终于，迎来了那一声响亮的啼声。 我看到婆婆怀抱着我的孩子，她那么骄傲镇静的人也泪流满面，我担心是不是出什么差错了，或许孩子是个残废、怪物？或是死了？但是她是因为高兴而流泪；她走到我床边，第一个向我报喜：“是个男孩，克伦莎，是一个健康可爱的宝贝！” 不会有什么差错的，我也这么想，所有的梦想都如愿以偿。 我是克伦莎圣·朗斯顿，我生了个儿子。也不会有别的男孩替代他的位置，他是圣·朗斯顿的继承人。 但小问题还是有的。我躺在床上，头发散乱地披在肩上，穿着件带花边和绿色带子的外套，那是婆婆送我的礼物。婴儿躺在摇篮里，老太太弯着身子看着他，充满爱心与温柔的表情，使她看起来像变了个人似的。 “我们得给他取个名，克伦莎。” 她走到我床边坐下来，脸上仍带着微笑。 我说：“我想过，叫他贾斯廷吧！” 她有点诧异地看着我说：“但那是不可能的。” “为什么？我喜欢这名字，好几代人中都有叫贾斯廷·圣·朗斯顿。” “如果贾斯廷生了儿子呢？这名字应该留给他的儿子。” “贾斯廷……会生儿子！” “每天夜里，我都在祈求上帝，让他和朱迪思也生个儿子。” 我强颜欢笑地说：“那当然，我只是觉得这家里，贾斯廷的名字要有人传下去。” “会传下去的，要由长子的儿子传下去。” “他俩结婚到现在已有好多年了。” “哦，是的，但今后的日子长着呢！我希望这儿有成群的孩子跑来跑去。” 我觉得有些气馁，但又马上给自己打气，名字本身并不重要。 “你想过别的名字吗？”她问。 I am speechless.我是那么地自信我的儿子就叫贾斯廷，所以根本没有别的考虑。 我想到她一直在看着我，她这么精明的人，我绝不能让她看出我心中的秘密。 我冲口而出：“卡莱恩。” “卡莱恩？”她重复了一遍。 我一说出这名字，便感到除了贾斯廷以外，这是儿子最好的名字。这名字对我有着某种特别的含义，我彷佛又看到自己身着红丝绒晚礼服登上高高楼梯参加舞会，就在那个时候，我平生第一次意识到梦想也能成真。 “这名字很好，我很喜欢。” 她重复地叫了好几遍，然后说：“是的，我也喜欢。就叫他卡莱恩·约翰——跟他父亲的名，怎么样？” 约翰是他父亲，卡莱恩是他母亲。 是的，既然他成不了贾斯廷，那样便是他理所当然的。
我也变成了另外一个人。有生以来第一次，我开始热爱、关心别人胜过自己。满脑子只有儿子是最重要的，一旦做了什么自私自利的事，我也在儿子身上寻找藉口：都是为了卡莱恩。我常这样想，为了自己所爱的人做些不道德的事，其罪孽要比为自己谋利轻得多；况且，我对卡莱恩的爱是那么深，他是我骨中骨、血中血，就像亚当与夏娃的关系一样。 卡蒂恩长得很漂亮，比一般婴孩要大；唯一像我的地方是他那双大大的黑眼睛，只不过他的眼睛是那么真诚、单纯、宁静，而我也觉得奇怪，为什么我这双黑眼看不到那种宁静的美？卡莱恩是个非常知足的孩子。他很愿意躺在摇篮里接受大家心甘情愿地给予的爱——从不过分要求。人人爱他，他也示意接受任何人给予的关怀。但当我抱起他时，我感到他会有一种特别的满足和高兴。 老夫人为了找个好奶妈费尽心思。她列出了不少乡下女孩的名字，但被我一一谢绝了。我心中总存在这么一种荒唐可笑的担忧，我担心朱迪思会出事，梅洛拉和贾斯廷会结婚，生孩子。我可不希望出现那样的结局；我希望朱迪思好好地活着，永远是贾斯廷不能生育的妻子。只有那样，我的儿子才有可能成为卡莱恩爵士，继承阿巴斯庄园。我彷佛已预见梅洛拉前景黯然，生活悲惨，我感到一丝内疚，但很快就过去了。我现在面临的是在好朋友和儿子之间做一选择，又有谁会为了好朋友而不顾儿子的利益呢？ 而且，我会同样尽力帮助梅洛拉，并已想好了计划。 “我不希望儿子将来说话带乡下口音，”我对婆婆说。 “但我们家一向叫乡下女孩做保姆的。”她是在提醒我。 “我想请梅洛拉·马丁，”我的话一出口，老太太脸上就显出惊讶万分，我赶紧往下说：“她出身高雅之家，她又那么爱护卡莱恩，而且喜欢孩子。将来孩子长大一点，她还可以教育孩子，在孩子上学以前，她一直可以做他的家庭教师。” 老夫人显然在考虑没有梅洛拉的照顾自己生活中的诸多不便，她舍不得，但也承认我讲的话是有道理的。要找像梅洛拉那样出身牧师之家而又能当保姆的人实在不容易的。
我来到了梅洛拉的房间，她在老夫人那儿忙完一下午的事后，显得精疲力竭；她正躺在床上休息；我觉得她像枝久旱的水仙，显得那么的憔悴。 可怜的梅洛拉，生活对她太残忍了！ 我坐她床沿上，端详着她。“这一天很累吧？”我问。 她耸耸肩膀。 “我去去就回来，”说着，我马上回到自己的房间，拿起一瓶用来治头痛的药水回到她那儿。我用药棉擦拭着她的额头。 “有人为我服务，真是莫大的豪华享受！” “可怜的梅洛拉！我婆婆对你太苛刻了，但是今后会好起来的。” 她睁大美丽的蓝眼睛，从她的眼睛里，我看到了她深深的悲哀。 “你马上就会有个新主人，你也会换个新工作。” 她费了很大力气才站起来，眼神里带着惊恐。我心里想：别怕，你不会离开贾斯廷，别害怕。但是，另一个我又在说：不，只要你在这儿，贾斯廷就不会安心地待在他不会生育的妻子身边，那就意味着贾斯廷有可能另结新欢，也许就有自己的孩子，就会代替我的卡莱恩。 当我脑子里出现这些自私的念头时，我就会在行动上对梅洛拉特别友善，所以我赶紧说：“从今以后，你将在我身边帮忙，梅洛拉，你做卡莱恩的保姆。” 我俩紧紧地拥抱在一起，那一刻，我感到我们又像回到了牧师所，俩人亲如姊妹。 “你是他的姨妈，”我说，“我俩仍是姊妹，不是吗？” 我俩谁也不说什么，过了一会儿，她说，“生活真让人哭笑不得，克伦莎，你有没有注意过我俩的生活模式？” “是的，两种模式。”我说。 “最初是我帮助你……现在是你帮我。” “冥冥之中有一种力量把我俩的生活联系在一起，这种纽带将永远维系下去，梅洛拉，我俩谁都别想挣脱它。” “我们不要分开，”她说，“克伦莎，当我小时候得知我妈妈要生孩子时，我祈求上帝带给我个妹妹。我潜心祈祷，白天黑夜都虔诚地求上帝。我在想像中塑造一个叫克伦莎的妹妹。她就是你……比我坚强，总是愿意帮助我，当然我也会帮助她。总觉得上帝带走了那个小妹妹后又十分后悔，所以才把你送到我身边！” “是的，”我说，“这是上帝的旨意，我俩将永远待在一起。” “那么，你想的跟我一样。你常跟我说，如果你想得到什么，就全身心地祈求，美梦就会实现。” “那是我外婆说的；她还说，还有一种人们无法理解的力量，总是干扰人们实现自己的理想。也许你会实现梦想，但是要付出很大的代价……比如说，你会得到一个妹妹，但这个妹妹并不尽如人意。” 她笑了；她彷佛又是那个无忧无虑的梅洛拉；像我婆婆这样苛刻、骄傲的女人，也无法改变她天真善良的本性。 “哦，得了，别说了，克伦莎，我知道你有缺点。” 我不由得笑了，心中想：不，梅洛拉，你并不知道；假如你能看到我内心深处黑暗的角落，你会吃惊不已！我是个坏心肠的女人？也许不完全是，但是，至少是不高尚的，不纯洁的；红与黑交织在一起。 我下定决心要使梅洛拉将来的日子比现在好一些。 卡莱恩给阿巴斯带来了许多变化。没有人能做到无动于衷。连约翰都少了些以往的玩世不恭，多了点做父亲的责任。当然，对于我来说，他更是我生活的全部意义。梅洛拉的心情也比过去好多了，她全心照顾卡莱恩，有时候我甚至感到我的儿子更加喜欢她，而不愿意理我。老夫人只要一见到她的孙子，就眉开眼笑；仆人们对他也是百般爱护；只要卡莱恩一出现在花园里，仆人们都找藉口去花园。我想，在这房子里，也只有卡莱恩一人，使仆人们对他无可指责。 但是，也许某一个人，或者说有两个人并不十分欢迎卡莱恩的出世。对朱迪思来说，卡莱恩的出现就是指责她的无能，对贾斯廷也是一样。我看到过当贾斯廷望着卡莱恩的时候，他的眼睛里充满了向往，朱迪思对孩子的渴望更是显而易见。她的心中还因此怀有某种怨恨，彷佛是在指责命运之神；为什么我不能生孩子？ 奇怪的是，朱迪思视我为她知己的女友，我真不明白她为什么选择了我？也许是因为在这儿，只有我最了解她。 有时候，我去她房间陪她聊天，她藉题发泄，我听得有趣。我觉得外婆讲得有道理，多观察，多听总是有益无害的。 我装模作样地同情她，让她告诉我心中的秘密。要是她刚喝过酒，那更是滔滔不绝地讲个没完。每天她都要出门一趟，目的就是去附近的小旅店喝杯威士忌酒。显然她也明白如果总是拿家里的酒，会很快被察觉的。 但是，贾斯廷还是发现了藏在衣柜里的大量空酒瓶，他又惊又气。 朱迪思讲述这事的时候，起初还是得意扬扬：“他气愤极了，从没见过他发那么大的火。由此可见他还是很在乎的，对吧？克伦莎，你知道他怎么样？他把酒拿走，为了不让我糟蹋自己的身体。”讲着讲着，她就显得垂头丧气。当我再去她房间时，发现她坐在桌旁，流着眼泪在写信。“我在给贾斯廷写信。”她说。我凑过去看到信是这样开头的——“我亲爱的，我究竟干了什么？你要这样对我？有时候，我觉得你恨我；你为什么要喜欢别人？为什么？难道我就不能吗……” 我问她：“你总不至于想把信寄给他吧？” “为什么不？不应该吗？” “你天天能见到他，为什么要写信给他？” “他躲着我，我们现在分居了，你不知道吗？他讨厌我。他情愿把我忘了。他跟你在我这儿当佣人时，已全然不一样了。我真希望自己能像你那样安排自己的生活。你不喜欢约翰，对吧？但他却喜欢你，真奇怪！整个都是颠倒了，俩兄弟和他俩的妻子……” 说着她放声大笑，我只好警告她：“小心让佣人们听见。” “佣人们都在厨房里。” “到处都有佣人在走动。”我说。 “那他们会发现什么？发现他冷落我？发现他爱着牧师的女儿？这些他们早就知道。” “嘘，别说了。” “为什么不说？” “朱迪思，今天你情绪不好。” “我真想喝酒。他剥夺了我生活中唯一的乐趣，克伦莎。为什么我不能享受生活？他有他的享受方式。克伦莎，你知道他和那女人到哪儿去了？” “你别老是胡思乱想了！他们俩非常……”我停顿了一会又说：“非常重传统，绝对不会做出离经叛道的事，最多只是好朋友。” “好朋友！”她嘲笑道，“那就等着他俩由朋友变成恋人的那一天吧！克伦莎，等我死后，人们会说些什么呢？” “朱迪思，你想得太多了。” “要是能喝两口就好了，克伦莎，帮帮我，帮我买点酒……给我酒，求求你，克伦莎，你不知道我有多难受。” “我做不到，朱迪思。” “你不肯帮我？谁也帮不了我……没有办法……”她无可奈何地笑笑。 直到几天以后我才明白她当时说这话时，脑子里已有了自己的主意。 几天后，她回娘家。从那儿回来时，带回了一直在德瑞斯干活的女佣范妮彭敦，此后，她便是朱迪思的女佣。
我儿子病了，我再也不关心贾斯廷和朱迪思的事了。那一天早晨，我去看躺在小床上的卡莱恩时，发现他在发烧，我惊惶失措，赶紧叫来了希拉德医生。 原来，卡莱恩是出疹子，医生说用不着担心，这在孩子之间很普遍。 用不着担心！但我依然愁容不展。 我没日没夜地坐在他床边，也不要别人帮忙；约翰也说：“许多孩子都这样，很正常。”我听后轻蔑地看了他一眼，意思是我的儿子可不能像别的孩子那样，马虎不得。 我的婆婆这次格外地疼爱我。“亲爱的，你会累坏的。希拉德医生说了，小孩子出疹子很正常，卡莱恩的症状算是轻的。你去休息一会吧，让我来替你。” 但是，我还是不放心离去，我担心别人不如我那样尽心，弄不好就会出事，我彷佛看到小小的棺材已抬往圣·朗斯顿的墓地。 约翰坐在我身边陪我。“你知道你自己的问题吗？”他说：“你应该多生几个孩子，你就不会这样大惊小怪。要是有一大群孩子围着你，你就会表现得像个真正的母亲，克伦莎。” “别玩世不恭。”我抗议道。 当卡莱恩的病情有所好转后，我的心情也稍稍放心了些。我想像多年以后，自己成了祖母，卡莱恩也有自己的孩子，孩子的孩子，那时，我就是我外婆现在的样子。 这是我的美梦的进一步发展。 这倒是约翰向我指出了我的将来。 卡莱恩没过多久就完全恢复了健康，他又是活泼可爱的样子，他现在已经会说也会跑了，我心中感到无限幸福。 约翰和我也回到了度蜜月时那种亲密的关系，可谓是如漆似胶。就我来说，主要是为了拓展我的美梦；就他而言，则是因为他相信我是个巫师而更加的放纵自己，以为自己是中了魔法之故。
在盛开着玫瑰的花园里，卡莱恩用根小棍子在玩铁圈；梅洛拉坐在一边做针线活儿。 卡莱恩已两岁了，长得比同龄小孩大。他是个性情温和、安静的孩子，只要有人愿意跟他一块儿玩，他都会很高兴，要不然，就自得其乐。 这个时候，我才二十一岁；当我散步在阿巴斯庄园上时，总觉得自己彷佛是一生下来就住在这儿似的。 老夫人一天比一天老。她患风湿病，大部分时间都待在房间里；也不像从前那样有那么多信要写，或是喜欢听人读书，所以，梅洛拉离开她那儿以后，她就没再雇人作伴。现在，她更喜欢独自休息，我和梅洛拉偶尔也去陪她坐一会；梅洛拉陪她时，总是给她朗读些什么；当我给她朗读时，她总是打断我，我俩就谈论卡莱恩。 这些都意味着渐渐地，我已成了这儿的女主人，佣人们绝大多数时候也接纳了我现在的地位，有时候，从佣人脸上一闪而过的表情里，我也会感到他们想到我从前是个外人。 现在朱迪思对我来说已不再是个碍手碍脚的人物。很多时候她都和从德瑞斯带来的女佣范妮待在自己的房间里。 外婆的身体没我原来想像的那么好了，但我也不再像往日那样为她担心。我计划将来让她住在离阿巴斯不远的房子里，叫个佣人服侍地，这我还没与她讲过，现在还不到时候。 乔和艾茜·波伦特订了婚，波伦特说要在婚礼那天让乔成为自己的合作伙伴。外婆听了十分高兴，我可怎么也高兴不起来。外婆竟然笑得合不拢嘴：“我的两个孩子都有了美好的未来。”我可看不出乔的未来怎么能与我的相提并论。想到乔这辈子也成不了正式的医生，我仍是感到有些懊恼。 我要有更多的孩子，这一点到目前还没实现。外婆说隔上一、两年才怀孕是很正常的，而且对我身体的康复也有好处。想着自己美好的未来，我感到满足。眼前我有这么好的儿子，而且，随着时间的流逝，我更加确认朱迪思这辈子也不会怀孕了。也就是说，我的卡莱恩将毫无疑问地继承阿巴斯，我将成为至高无上的老夫人。 当我走进花园时，就想着上面这些事。 我坐在梅洛拉身边，默默地看着儿子。他也看到了我，站在那儿向我挥挥手，然后继续玩他的铁圈；铁圈出了轨道，他跑过去，捡起来，又朝我看看，想确定我是否在注视他。眼前这一幕将永远生动地展现在我的记忆中。这是幸福的时刻，也是我后来才认识到的，所谓的人生幸福，其实只是稍纵即逝的片刻，无论你的整个生活有多么幸福，也只能拥有短暂的幸福阳光。 我突然注意到梅洛拉显得有些不安。 "What are you thinking?" I asked her. 她沉思了一会儿说：“是为朱迪思担心，克伦莎。” 朱迪思！又是朱迪思！她像块遮挡太阳的乌云。她是阻挡梅洛拉走向幸福大道的石头。 I nod. “你知道她在酗酒。” “我知道她喜欢喝，但是贾斯廷不会让她喝得太过分的。” “不管……贾斯廷怎么努力，她仍拚命喝。” 说到贾斯廷的名字，她停顿了一会，这本身就泄露了她心中的爱情。哦，梅洛拉，你无法掩饰你对他的爱。 "Really?" I said. “昨天我经过她房间时，她的房间门敞开着，我听到她在呻吟，我就走进去了，发现她喝得烂醉，躺在床上，真可怕，克伦莎，她连我都认不出来了，她就躺在那儿，两眼发呆，痛苦地哼哼，嘟嘟囔囔地说着什么，我听不请她说的话，我很担心，就去找范妮，范妮在自己的房间里，就在你以前住的那一间里。我进去的时候，她也躺在那儿，见了我也不站起来。我对她说：'贾斯廷夫人需要你，她病了！'她满不在乎地看着我，嘲弄地说，'是吗？马丁小姐，'我继续说，'我听到她在呻吟，你去看看，能为她做点什么。'她笑着说：'夫人没事的，我想你最关心的并不是她，'这真是太气人了。她真不该来这儿，我真是气极了，克伦莎。” 我朝她看看，想起了她是怎样把我从劳务市场带回她家，又是怎样努力让我留下来。梅洛拉想真正做点什么的时候，她还是很勇敢的。玷污她和贾斯廷的纯洁关系在她看来是玷污贾斯廷的人格。我也清楚只要朱迪思活着，她也只能对他怀着这种精神上的爱恋。 梅洛拉继续说：“我就对范妮讲，'你太无礼了，'但她仍躺在那儿嘲笑我，'你在装模作样，马丁小姐，你这样温文尔雅可称得上是贵妇人，但目前看来你成不了夫人，'我要不是及时打断了她，她不知还会说出什么样的下流话，于是我就说，'有人在不断地提供酒给夫人，我想那就是你。'她仍是一副嘲笑的样子，但眼睛往柜子那儿飘。我走到柜子那儿，打开门，发现那里全是酒瓶，有些是满的，有些是空的。显然，在贾斯廷尽其所能劝阻朱迪思酗酒的同时，范妮在给她提供酒。” “但你又能怎么样？梅洛拉。” “我不知道，但我很担心。” “但人们对于你和贾斯廷的闲言碎语比这更让我担心。” “我们是清白的，身正不怕影斜。”她自豪地说。 I was silent.她愤怒地冲着我说：“你不相信我？” “我从来都相信你告诉我的，梅洛拉，我是在想你说的'身正不怕影斜！'这话在现实中能有几分正确？”
第二天，约翰因为生意上的事去普利茅斯。说起来也真怪，自我们结婚以后，他变得让人尊敬了，我相信，要不是因为与我结婚，他的坏名声还会臭个二十年。生活真是奇妙。而贾斯廷，打听从他父母之命结婚以后，他的名誉却每况愈下，很显然，佣人们在厨房里议论的中心就是贾斯廷、梅洛拉和朱迪思三人的关系。约翰跟我结婚时，确实也算丢尽了面子，但后来证明他的选择是对的。这一切看起来真有点像是生活向人们开的玩笑。 我也怀疑过约翰会不会对我不忠实，我不在乎；我现在的地位十分稳固，我已从他那儿得到了我所想要的。 当约翰回来时，他带了一只玩具象。是用灰色的布制成的，腿下面装了滑轮，可以用绳子拉着跑。我那时还从没见过真正的大象，所以看到玩具象时也觉得十分有趣。整个玩具有１２英寸高，两颗钮扣作为它的眼睛，长长的鼻子，还有漂亮的尾巴和两只大耳朵，脖子上还围着一圈红色的皮套。 约翰带着礼物盒来到了儿子的房间。卡莱恩小心地打开跟他差不多高
I can't wait to see Granny soon, but I have to see Melora first. I went to her room; she was waiting for me there, but when I opened the door I found her staring at me not so differently from the Langstons. "Clenza!" she called out to me. "It's Mrs. St. Langston," I reminded her, smiling. "You really married John!" "I have a marriage certificate, you can see it." I held out my left hand and showed her my wedding ring. "How can you do this!" "What's so strange about it, it's all changed now. That Kali is no more, I'm not ordered to do this or that anymore, and I'm my old master's sister-in-law. Think about it all, that poor Clentha Carley, the country girl, has become Mrs. St. Langston." "Krentha, you are a real fright at times." "I scare you?" I looked her in the eyes, "You don't have to worry about me, I'll take care of myself." Her face flushed suddenly, and she understood that I was implying that she could not take care of herself. Biting her lip, she said after a moment, "It looks like you're not a maid anymore. Oh, Clentha, do you think it's all worth it?" "I'm afraid it's too early to draw conclusions, what do you think?" "I do not understand." "Yes, you won't understand." "But I always thought you hated him." "It's not annoying now." "Is it because he gave you your current position?" I hate the sarcasm in her tone, "But at least, he married me willingly." I rushed out the door.But I came back a few minutes later and saw Melora lying on the bed with her face buried in the pillows and me lying next to her.Seriously, I can't bear the thought that we're not friends anymore. "Now, we seem to be back in the past again." I said. "No...it's completely different from the past." "It's just that our positions have changed. At that time, I was at your house and you took care of me; now, I will take care of you." "It's not going to end well like this." "Then let's wait and see!" "If you really love John..." "There are many kinds of love, Melora. There is one kind of love, selfless and sacred..." "Kronsa, you seem so indifferent." "It's often at its best." "I don't believe you. What's the matter with you, Crenza?" "What's the matter with us?" I asked her back. We lay there like that, wondering what would happen to her love for Justin.
I was eager to see my grandmother, and the next day, I asked Polo to drive the carriage to the village. I was dressed in a new outfit, green and black, and the moment I stepped out of the carriage, my heart skipped a beat.I told Polo to pick me up in an hour. Grandma looked at me worriedly. "How are you? My baby." She always asked. "I am Mrs. St. Langston now, grandmother." "So you got what you wanted, huh?" "just began." "Oh," her eyes widened, but she didn't ask me further what I wanted to do next. She put her hands on my shoulders and looked at my face carefully. "You look very happy." She finally said. I threw myself into her arms and hugged her tightly.When I let her go, she turned away, and I knew she didn't want me to see her cry.I took off my coat and hat, went upstairs, and lay on the big bed, watching my grandma smoke her pipe and chatting with her. She was a little different from before, and sometimes she seemed not to listen to me, but immersed in her own thoughts.But I don't care if she listens or not, as far as I'm concerned, it's just a matter of having someone who can make me open up and tell all that's on my mind. I was so sure in my heart that soon I would be a mother.I hope it's a boy—heir to the St. Langston family. "Grandma, if Justin has no children, my child can inherit the Abbas Manor and he can become a knight. Do you think that's good? Sir Justin St. Langston is also your great-grandson .” "My dear, you have always been in pursuit of goals," she said, "and perhaps life consists in such pursuits; but do you love your husband?" "Love? Grandma, he gave me what I want. Without him, everything I am now would be possible." "You take this as compensation for love?" "I'm in love, Granny." "Love your husband?" "Loving everything in front of you, grandma, what else is more worthwhile than this?" "Yes, people can't be dissatisfied forever, right? Now that you've got what you want, don't think about how to get it. I can also leave it at ease, Kronsa, as long as your heart can always be as it is now. So happy." "Don't say such things, grandma." I said something to her, and she smiled at me. "It's not that I want to say such things, my little beauty, life and death are up to her, wealth and honor are in the sky." We couldn't help but looked at each other and smiled, and I felt that she was much more relaxed than when I first arrived.
I do rejoice in what I got!All of this seems to be a matter of course. Thinking about all the things in front of me, I taught myself, learned over and over again, and suffered so much.I imitated the fuss of the servants in the kitchen, and John couldn't help laughing when he heard it.I can give orders to servants with the solemnity of Mrs. Langston, with no less dignity than Judith.Judith and I have actually become good friends.Sometimes I still comb her hair as usual, but I let her understand that this is not a service from a servant, but a way of expressing affection between sisters.The fact that I married John even made her happy in a way, because she understood that not all women were after her Justin.Of course, if Melora eloped with John, it would make her even happier. Judith is relaxed around me now, and I'm sure it won't be long before she's pouring out her heart to me. With Judith's acquiescence, I ordered the servants to prepare a room for John and me, and brought some furniture from other rooms.I felt the servants gossiping behind my back, and I knew the old lady was telling people how unhappy John's marriage was, and I didn't care.She is in her twilight years, and I am in my youth, and my prospects are bright and bright. I quietly waited for the first signs of pregnancy.But I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant with a son, and if I announce to the house that I'm going to be a mother, then my status will be fully respected.Moreover, the old lady herself is very much looking forward to having a grandson soon, and she has given up hope for Judith. I went to see Joe at the vet that day.I had already told John that he would make Joe the doctor of the district, and John had agreed, so I wanted to tell Joe the good news at once. Mr. Polent's house used to look very rich to me, but now it looks very poor.But, anyway, not too bad.The houses were set back from the road, which was full of poor people's barns and low houses.But his house was different.As I approached, I noticed someone peeping behind the curtains of his house. A girl from his family came to meet me in the hall. "Oh, come in, come in!" I noticed that she had just changed into a linen dress in a hurry. I followed into the living room. The living room was very clean, apparently it was rarely used.I took one of the offered chairs and sat down, inadvertently glancing at the Chinese china on the mantelpiece. "I'm here to see Joe," I said. "Oh, yes, I'll go and tell him right away, please wait a moment." I smiled at her and motioned her to call Joe.I feel all the talk these days about my marriage, because Joe is my brother, and people think differently about him; and I'm happy about that (I'm always proud of my family's prosperity). I admired the silver and china by myself, and thought to myself, the Polent family is not rich, but it is not bad. After a while, Miss Polent came in, and she told me that Joe was very busy and asked her to take me. to where he works. I was a little upset when I heard that, and felt that this family was not good enough for Joe, but I held back and followed Miss Polent into a room in silence, and saw Joe standing by a bench stirring a liquid . Joe saw me genuinely happy, and I kissed him. He held up the liquid in his hand and said, "This is a new drug, Mr. Polent and I both think it's the newest drug." "Really?" I said copiously. "Joe, I have good news for you." He smiled and said, "Oh, I know, you became Mrs. St. Langston, and we all know that you eloped with Mr. John." I frowned and thought: He should really learn to speak like a gentleman. "You will hear from me," said he, "that it is funny that you eloped on the same day as Mr. Langston and Hetty Pengast." I was taken aback, "Herty Pengast!" "Haven't you heard? She's gone too. I tell you, it's unusual in the Pengasts, Saul Candy wants to kill; but... Doll says she must have gone to London, she And said that the place Hetty always wanted to go was London." I was lost in thought, forgetting the purpose of my coming here.Hetty Pengast!It's strange how she chose to go to London on the day John and I ran away. "So she really went to London," I said. "Nobody knows, but that's what they say. There was a young man from London who lived here in the summer, and Dole said he and Hetty got on very hotly. Dole said he must have been with Hetty while he was here." Dee agreed... but maybe she's talking nonsense." I looked at Joe, and it pissed me off at the way he looked so content. "I have good news for you, Joe!" I said. He looked at me and I said, "It's different now, you don't have to stay here and do this lowly job." He frowned and looked unhappy. "Joe, I have always wanted to do something for you, and now that I am able, I can help you become a doctor. Tonight, you told Mr. Polent that you have a lot to learn; tomorrow I will hear from Dr. Hillard suggestion, and then..." "I don't understand what you're talking about, Clentha," he cut me off, a blush welling up in his face. "I'm Mrs. St. Langston now, Jo, and you know what that means?" Joe put down the bottle in his hand, and limped to a shelf, and took down a jar from the shelf, which contained some liquid, and he shook the jar blankly.I looked at him; my heart was pounding, and I thought of the night when Jin and I rescued him together; I missed Jin deeply. "I don't see what it has to do with me," he said. "I'd rather be with Mr. Polent. That's where I really want to be." "You could be a doctor now, but you'd rather be a veterinarian?" "This is where I want to be." He repeated what he had just said. "But, Joe..." He limped up to me and said, "Kronsa, your problem is that you want everything, and you want people to have your way. But I don't want to, you understand? I just want to be with you. Mr Pollent is with me, and here is my place." "You're a big fool, Joe Carley," I said. "That's what you think, but I'm willing to be such a fool." I was furious, and that was the first troublesome thing that ever happened to me.I've always been very clear about what I want.My dream is to make myself Mrs. St. Langston, my son to be the heir of Abbas Manor, my younger brother to be a doctor, and my grandmother to live in a luxurious palace of talents to enjoy her old age. I want to realize this dream every detail. But, Joe, this man who is always docile and obedient stands in the middle of my dream come true! I turned around angrily, opened the door abruptly, and almost bumped into Miss Polent who was standing at the door. She had obviously been standing here eavesdropping. I ignored her and walked away. I heard her say, "Oh, Joe, you ain't leaving here, are you?" I stopped and listened, and Joe said, "No, Essie, you know I'm never leaving here, I'm here forever, with you, a veterinarian, I belong here." I was so pissed off , hurriedly left there.
Two months into my marriage, I'm absolutely sure I'm pregnant. When I was a little skeptical at first, I only told my grandma; when I was sure, I made the news public. The joy of my success is far greater than the joy of imagining the future. At Abbas Manor, I let my mother-in-law be the first to hear the news.I came to her room and knocked on her door.She was alone in the room and looked unhappy to be interrupted. "I don't have time to see you right now," she said.She has never called me anything so far. "I want you to be the first to know what I'm going to tell you," I said coldly. "If you don't want to hear it, then don't blame me for not telling you." "What's the matter?" she asked. "Can I sit down and talk?" She nodded. "I'm pregnant." I said. She lowered her head, but after a while I could see the excitement in her eyes. "Obviously, because of this, marriage is still necessary." I stood up, "You want to insult me, that's your business, but I want to tell you that your assumption is wrong. Also, the child I will be born will prove you wrong, of course you have to believe In my case, you still need evidence. I regret that I let you be the first to know the good news, I am so stupid." I turned and walked towards the door, and was about to close it when she called softly "Kronsa."I walked away and went to John and I's room. I felt that my vanity had been greatly hurt, and I wanted to talk to my grandma, but when I was putting on my coat, there was a knock on the door.Standing at the door was Mrs. Rolt. "The old lady said she would be very happy if you came to her now... ma'am!" "I'm going out now," I said, but after a moment's hesitation, I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Yes, I'll stop by her on my way down, thank you, Mrs. Rolt." Mrs. Rolt's lips were trembling. I knew her too well, and she wanted to say: "Look at your airs, as if you were born to be rich." I pushed open the door of the old lady's room and stood there waiting. "Kronsa, please come in." Her voice was a little more polite this time. I approached her and stood there. "Please sit down." I sat on the edge of the chair and showed her that her words had little effect on me. "I'm glad to hear the news you just gave me," she said. I really couldn't hide the joy in my heart, so I couldn't help but say: "This is what I'm looking forward to...more than anything else," I said again: "I hope it's a son." At this moment, our relationship changed.She disapproved of me being her daughter-in-law, but I was young, in good health, and pretty for the neighbourhood; and in two months of marriage I was pregnant with her grandson, but Judith couldn't give her all that.The old lady had had all that life had to offer her; she must have quickly adjusted herself to her husband's flirtatious habits when she was young, and perhaps she still felt that a man should be like this, so long as she herself still had the family responsibilities. She doesn't care about status.I don't know what her married life is like, but I feel that she has a certain temperament, admiration for power, courage to take control of her own life, and likes to influence the will of people around her, which is somewhat similar to me; it is also because of our similarity , it is easy to communicate with each other once we are open and honest. "I'm glad," she said. "You must take care of yourself, Clentha." "As long as I can give birth to a healthy boy, I will do anything." She smiled and said, "Don't be too confident. It doesn't have to be a boy. If it's a girl, we'd be equally happy. Besides, you're still young, so it's not easy to have a boy?" "But I really want a son," I said eagerly. She nodded, "Then let's pray that it's a boy. I'll take you to see the nursery myself tomorrow. Abbas hasn't had a baby cry for many years. If I wasn't so tired today, I would take you there now." .” "Then wait until tomorrow!" I said. Our eyes met and I felt her finally give in.This proud old lady, who until recently had angrily denounced her son's marriage, accepted me as her daughter-in-law so quickly and with joy. It is our common hope to have an heir to St. Langston, and the present hope rests entirely on me alone. Pregnant women often become completely different from what they used to be.The only thing she cares about is the fetus that grows day by day in her womb; she can feel carefully that the fetus's young body is growing vigorously. My life now seems to be waiting for the day when the baby will fall to the ground. I also became peaceful and satisfied, and my whole person seemed extremely gentle.Dr. Hillard used to come to see me, and Melora and I were always busy making little dresses in the rose garden; Melora was happy to help. The old lady let me go, she didn't dare to say anything about me.If I want Melora to accompany me, she will let her come; no one should neglect me, and I have become the key protection object of the whole family. Sometimes I am laughing at the situation myself.I feel happy and content like never before. As for John, I have no interest in him now.But he also seemed to have changed. In his life, he had never felt so proud of his family.After all, he left offspring for the Langstons, and Justin didn't. When I was with John, he always liked to make fun of Jia Jinting. "He's always been impeccable, and I've been oppressed because of him. It's a misfortune to have such an obedient brother. But, for one thing alone, he's a saint and I'm a scoundrel!" He laughed out loud as he spoke, and put his arms around me. I pushed him away, reminding him to be careful of the child in my stomach. John was sprawled on the bed, looking at me. "You always drive me crazy," he said. "I really feel like I've married a witch." "Then please remember, don't mess with me, otherwise, I will chant a spell to make you restless." I warned him. "You've already read the spell, look at the whole family, including my dear mother, Kronsa, you wizard, how on earth do you control all this?" I patted my big belly and said, "It's my competitive belly that helped me a lot." "Tell me, did you worship the god of childbirth with your grandmother to get you pregnant so soon?" "Never mind how I did it, the important thing is that the results in front of me are satisfactory." He jumped up and kissed me, and I pushed him away again.He is no longer my interest.
I sat under a tree with Melora and made clothes.The way she tilts her head when she's concentrating on her sewing is so cute.I seem to have gone back to the past, seeing her sitting in the garden with Miss Caro and reading a book.Now, our status has changed so much!Of course, while I have all this now, I still owe her a favor. Dear Melora, I owe you what I owe you, and I will never pay it back in this life! I sincerely hope she is as happy as I am.But while I was praying like this, I felt a dull pain in my heart.For her, happiness is to marry Justin, but how could Justin marry her if he has Judith?Unless you wait for the day Judith dies.However, if she does marry Justin, she will have children... a son... Her son will be ranked ahead of my son in seniority! My sons: Mr. St. Langston; Sir Justin of Melora. This is too bad.But don't worry now, because Melora will never marry Justin, and besides, my senses tell me that Judith is barren.
I eagerly look forward to the passing of time, it seems that only when I hold my son in my arms can I really feel at ease.Sometimes, I also worry about being a daughter.I'd rather have a daughter, so that I can arrange her as carefully as my grandmother arranged my life.However, whether my dream can be realized in the end, I must give birth to a son.Only my son can own Abbas, and I will pass on the manor to him, and my blood will be in the veins of his future generations. So, I must have a son. Grandma is very proficient in things like having children. When I asked her, she said that I would have a son; she said that the shape of my stomach should be a son.As the months wore on, she became more and more certain that she was the son, and so did my joy. I was immersed in my own happiness and didn't care about the people and things around me at all.I never think that what I am today is all due to the help of people around me.Melora said, "Who would have thought of today? At that time you were standing in the labor market, so pitiful!" What she meant by this was: If you are so miserable, you can still have the glory and wealth of today, then I should too There is a better future than the present. As the baby in my belly grew day by day, the love between Melora and Justin also grew day by day.Their innocence made their feelings apparent, and Judith understood them all too well. Judith hasn't hired anyone since I got married.Dole helps her with things, and sometimes I do her hair too.One day, she and Justin were going to dinner at the Heimfells', and I promised to do her hair. I knocked lightly on her door, but there was no answer, so I opened it and went in, calling, "Judith, are you there?" Still no one answered, but I saw it: she was lying on her back in bed. "Judith," I called again, still silent, and for a second I thought she was dead, and then it flashed in my mind: Now Melora can marry Justin, they There will be a son, who will come before my son. I'm really going crazy about my son. As I approached the bed, I heard a long sigh and was startled to see her eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. "Judith," I said, "do you remember? I promised to do your hair today." She grunted and I bent over her to see her cheeks were wet. "Oh . . . Clenza," she said softly. "What happened?" She shook her head. "You are crying." "Why can't I cry?" "What happened to who?" "There's always so much trouble." "Judith, tell me what happened." "He doesn't like me," she choked out, dazed, as if talking to herself, "it got worse when she came. Did he really think I was ignoring it? It was obvious." It's over, isn't it? Their hearts are calling out to each other, they are really a couple... But they are such kind people, how can I hate them... If they weren't so kind, I would have killed them Yes. She's meek as a lamb, isn't she? And she's such a pitiful look, like a princess in trouble, fatherless, so young, and set out to fend for herself. Poor Melora! A miserable life. She needs the protection of others so much, I will protect her." I said, "Shh - Judith, it'll be heard." "Who are you?" she asked. "It's Kerenza..." she laughed. "My maid is going to give birth to an heir to the family now! This is another thing against me, don't you understand? Kerenza, this country girl can Bear Langston's children, and I am a barren woman! A barren fig tree! That's me, Judith. Now all are close to you--Crontha; all things are centered on you. We Take good care of Kronsa, does Kronza catch a cold? She's pregnant now. Funny, isn't it? A few months ago, everyone called her Kali...she's been bullied here, and now she's sacrosanct because she is the mother of the future heir." "Judith," I interrupted, "what's the matter with you?" What's wrong? When I bent over her again, I found the answer: I smelled alcohol. Judith...she's drinking, drinking away her sorrows! "You've been drinking, Judith!" I said reproachfully. "So what if you drink?" "This is too inappropriate." "Excuse me, who are you and want to control me?" "We are sisters-in-law, I should care about you." "My friend! You are her friend! Her friend is my enemy. Kerentha, nervous mother, you have changed since you married John." "Did you forget that you're going to Heimfer's for dinner today? Both you and Justin are going?" "If he wants, he can take her with him!" "You're so childish; I'll get you an espresso, cheer up, Judith, you're going to dinner with Justin, he'll be calling you in an hour, and if he sees you now He'll hate that look." "He already hated me anyway." "Then don't make him feel more disgusted." "He's tired of my love for him; he's a cold-blooded animal, Clentha, and how can I love a cold-blooded animal?" "I don't know what to tell you, but if you want to push him away from now on, you're doing it right now!" She grabbed my arm and said, "Oh, Clentha, don't take him from me...don't let him go." She was sobbing, and I said to her, "I'll help you, but you have to do as I tell you. I'll get you coffee, don't let the servants see you like this, they love to chew your tongue. I马上就回来，然后就给你做发型，赶在吃饭前还来得及。” “我讨厌海姆费尔家……愚蠢的海姆费尔。” “那你也得装得喜欢他们，这样才能讨得贾斯廷的欢心。” “不，只有一件事能让他高兴，克伦莎，如果我也能怀孕，我也能当妈妈。” “也许会的。”我说这话的同时，心中则是强烈地希望她永远不会生孩子。 “他是个冷血动物，克伦莎。” “那你就该想办法让他热起来，像你现在这样酗酒怎么行？将来我会教你的，现在你躺下等我回来。” 她点点头说：“你是我的朋友，克伦莎，正如你以前保证的一样。” 我走到自己的房间里，摇了铃，不一会儿，多儿进来了。 “请给我咖啡，多儿，要快！” “咖啡……嗯，太太？” “是咖啡，多儿，我突然想喝咖啡。” 她走出门去，我敢肯定她们在厨房里议论我要喝咖啡。但是，孕妇常会有突发奇想的念头的。 多儿把咖啡送来后就走了。她一走，我便赶紧拿去给朱迪思，不幸的是，这时，我在信道上碰到了罗尔特太太。 如果他们怀疑我要咖啡的动机是为了朱迪思，那说明他们早已知道她在酗酒。这也是极有可能的，不管怎么样，她把酒从地窖拿到自己房间里，不可能不给哈格第看到。如果哈格第想保住自己的位置，他就必然会告诉贾斯廷，照这样看来，朱迪思才刚刚开始酗酒，也就是说要阻止她还来得及。 我倒出些咖啡，让朱迪思喝下，我做这一切时在想：佣人们对我们的生活一定是观察仔细，没有什么秘密能瞒得了他们的眼睛。
那一年的五月特别炎热，但是对将要出生的孩子来说倒是件好事。树篱上爬满了各色野花，四处鸟语花香。但我的负担越来越重。一阵阵的痛苦意味着我的孩子即将来到这世上，所以我忍受着这肉体上的痛楚。 希拉德医生和接生婆守候在我床边，我感到整幢房子里的人都在紧张地等待着孩子初来人世的一声啼哭。 我想起了那被围在墙里的修女，她的痛苦不会大于我现在所面临的疼痛。但我满怀欣喜地忍受着。与修女相比，我的痛苦又是截然不同的，她是被打败后走向死亡的痛苦，而我是迎接新生命胜利的痛楚。 终于，迎来了那一声响亮的啼声。 我看到婆婆怀抱着我的孩子，她那么骄傲镇静的人也泪流满面，我担心是不是出什么差错了，或许孩子是个残废、怪物？或是死了？但是她是因为高兴而流泪；她走到我床边，第一个向我报喜：“是个男孩，克伦莎，是一个健康可爱的宝贝！” 不会有什么差错的，我也这么想，所有的梦想都如愿以偿。 我是克伦莎圣·朗斯顿，我生了个儿子。也不会有别的男孩替代他的位置，他是圣·朗斯顿的继承人。 但小问题还是有的。我躺在床上，头发散乱地披在肩上，穿着件带花边和绿色带子的外套，那是婆婆送我的礼物。婴儿躺在摇篮里，老太太弯着身子看着他，充满爱心与温柔的表情，使她看起来像变了个人似的。 “我们得给他取个名，克伦莎。” 她走到我床边坐下来，脸上仍带着微笑。 我说：“我想过，叫他贾斯廷吧！” 她有点诧异地看着我说：“但那是不可能的。” “为什么？我喜欢这名字，好几代人中都有叫贾斯廷·圣·朗斯顿。” “如果贾斯廷生了儿子呢？这名字应该留给他的儿子。” “贾斯廷……会生儿子！” “每天夜里，我都在祈求上帝，让他和朱迪思也生个儿子。” 我强颜欢笑地说：“那当然，我只是觉得这家里，贾斯廷的名字要有人传下去。” “会传下去的，要由长子的儿子传下去。” “他俩结婚到现在已有好多年了。” “哦，是的，但今后的日子长着呢！我希望这儿有成群的孩子跑来跑去。” 我觉得有些气馁，但又马上给自己打气，名字本身并不重要。 “你想过别的名字吗？”她问。 I am speechless.我是那么地自信我的儿子就叫贾斯廷，所以根本没有别的考虑。 我想到她一直在看着我，她这么精明的人，我绝不能让她看出我心中的秘密。 我冲口而出：“卡莱恩。” “卡莱恩？”她重复了一遍。 我一说出这名字，便感到除了贾斯廷以外，这是儿子最好的名字。这名字对我有着某种特别的含义，我彷佛又看到自己身着红丝绒晚礼服登上高高楼梯参加舞会，就在那个时候，我平生第一次意识到梦想也能成真。 “这名字很好，我很喜欢。” 她重复地叫了好几遍，然后说：“是的，我也喜欢。就叫他卡莱恩·约翰——跟他父亲的名，怎么样？” 约翰是他父亲，卡莱恩是他母亲。 是的，既然他成不了贾斯廷，那样便是他理所当然的。
我也变成了另外一个人。有生以来第一次，我开始热爱、关心别人胜过自己。满脑子只有儿子是最重要的，一旦做了什么自私自利的事，我也在儿子身上寻找藉口：都是为了卡莱恩。我常这样想，为了自己所爱的人做些不道德的事，其罪孽要比为自己谋利轻得多；况且，我对卡莱恩的爱是那么深，他是我骨中骨、血中血，就像亚当与夏娃的关系一样。 卡蒂恩长得很漂亮，比一般婴孩要大；唯一像我的地方是他那双大大的黑眼睛，只不过他的眼睛是那么真诚、单纯、宁静，而我也觉得奇怪，为什么我这双黑眼看不到那种宁静的美？卡莱恩是个非常知足的孩子。他很愿意躺在摇篮里接受大家心甘情愿地给予的爱——从不过分要求。人人爱他，他也示意接受任何人给予的关怀。但当我抱起他时，我感到他会有一种特别的满足和高兴。 老夫人为了找个好奶妈费尽心思。她列出了不少乡下女孩的名字，但被我一一谢绝了。我心中总存在这么一种荒唐可笑的担忧，我担心朱迪思会出事，梅洛拉和贾斯廷会结婚，生孩子。我可不希望出现那样的结局；我希望朱迪思好好地活着，永远是贾斯廷不能生育的妻子。只有那样，我的儿子才有可能成为卡莱恩爵士，继承阿巴斯庄园。我彷佛已预见梅洛拉前景黯然，生活悲惨，我感到一丝内疚，但很快就过去了。我现在面临的是在好朋友和儿子之间做一选择，又有谁会为了好朋友而不顾儿子的利益呢？ 而且，我会同样尽力帮助梅洛拉，并已想好了计划。 “我不希望儿子将来说话带乡下口音，”我对婆婆说。 “但我们家一向叫乡下女孩做保姆的。”她是在提醒我。 “我想请梅洛拉·马丁，”我的话一出口，老太太脸上就显出惊讶万分，我赶紧往下说：“她出身高雅之家，她又那么爱护卡莱恩，而且喜欢孩子。将来孩子长大一点，她还可以教育孩子，在孩子上学以前，她一直可以做他的家庭教师。” 老夫人显然在考虑没有梅洛拉的照顾自己生活中的诸多不便，她舍不得，但也承认我讲的话是有道理的。要找像梅洛拉那样出身牧师之家而又能当保姆的人实在不容易的。
我来到了梅洛拉的房间，她在老夫人那儿忙完一下午的事后，显得精疲力竭；她正躺在床上休息；我觉得她像枝久旱的水仙，显得那么的憔悴。 可怜的梅洛拉，生活对她太残忍了！ 我坐她床沿上，端详着她。“这一天很累吧？”我问。 她耸耸肩膀。 “我去去就回来，”说着，我马上回到自己的房间，拿起一瓶用来治头痛的药水回到她那儿。我用药棉擦拭着她的额头。 “有人为我服务，真是莫大的豪华享受！” “可怜的梅洛拉！我婆婆对你太苛刻了，但是今后会好起来的。” 她睁大美丽的蓝眼睛，从她的眼睛里，我看到了她深深的悲哀。 “你马上就会有个新主人，你也会换个新工作。” 她费了很大力气才站起来，眼神里带着惊恐。我心里想：别怕，你不会离开贾斯廷，别害怕。但是，另一个我又在说：不，只要你在这儿，贾斯廷就不会安心地待在他不会生育的妻子身边，那就意味着贾斯廷有可能另结新欢，也许就有自己的孩子，就会代替我的卡莱恩。 当我脑子里出现这些自私的念头时，我就会在行动上对梅洛拉特别友善，所以我赶紧说：“从今以后，你将在我身边帮忙，梅洛拉，你做卡莱恩的保姆。” 我俩紧紧地拥抱在一起，那一刻，我感到我们又像回到了牧师所，俩人亲如姊妹。 “你是他的姨妈，”我说，“我俩仍是姊妹，不是吗？” 我俩谁也不说什么，过了一会儿，她说，“生活真让人哭笑不得，克伦莎，你有没有注意过我俩的生活模式？” “是的，两种模式。”我说。 “最初是我帮助你……现在是你帮我。” “冥冥之中有一种力量把我俩的生活联系在一起，这种纽带将永远维系下去，梅洛拉，我俩谁都别想挣脱它。” “我们不要分开，”她说，“克伦莎，当我小时候得知我妈妈要生孩子时，我祈求上帝带给我个妹妹。我潜心祈祷，白天黑夜都虔诚地求上帝。我在想像中塑造一个叫克伦莎的妹妹。她就是你……比我坚强，总是愿意帮助我，当然我也会帮助她。总觉得上帝带走了那个小妹妹后又十分后悔，所以才把你送到我身边！” “是的，”我说，“这是上帝的旨意，我俩将永远待在一起。” “那么，你想的跟我一样。你常跟我说，如果你想得到什么，就全身心地祈求，美梦就会实现。” “那是我外婆说的；她还说，还有一种人们无法理解的力量，总是干扰人们实现自己的理想。也许你会实现梦想，但是要付出很大的代价……比如说，你会得到一个妹妹，但这个妹妹并不尽如人意。” 她笑了；她彷佛又是那个无忧无虑的梅洛拉；像我婆婆这样苛刻、骄傲的女人，也无法改变她天真善良的本性。 “哦，得了，别说了，克伦莎，我知道你有缺点。” 我不由得笑了，心中想：不，梅洛拉，你并不知道；假如你能看到我内心深处黑暗的角落，你会吃惊不已！我是个坏心肠的女人？也许不完全是，但是，至少是不高尚的，不纯洁的；红与黑交织在一起。 我下定决心要使梅洛拉将来的日子比现在好一些。 卡莱恩给阿巴斯带来了许多变化。没有人能做到无动于衷。连约翰都少了些以往的玩世不恭，多了点做父亲的责任。当然，对于我来说，他更是我生活的全部意义。梅洛拉的心情也比过去好多了，她全心照顾卡莱恩，有时候我甚至感到我的儿子更加喜欢她，而不愿意理我。老夫人只要一见到她的孙子，就眉开眼笑；仆人们对他也是百般爱护；只要卡莱恩一出现在花园里，仆人们都找藉口去花园。我想，在这房子里，也只有卡莱恩一人，使仆人们对他无可指责。 但是，也许某一个人，或者说有两个人并不十分欢迎卡莱恩的出世。对朱迪思来说，卡莱恩的出现就是指责她的无能，对贾斯廷也是一样。我看到过当贾斯廷望着卡莱恩的时候，他的眼睛里充满了向往，朱迪思对孩子的渴望更是显而易见。她的心中还因此怀有某种怨恨，彷佛是在指责命运之神；为什么我不能生孩子？ 奇怪的是，朱迪思视我为她知己的女友，我真不明白她为什么选择了我？也许是因为在这儿，只有我最了解她。 有时候，我去她房间陪她聊天，她藉题发泄，我听得有趣。我觉得外婆讲得有道理，多观察，多听总是有益无害的。 我装模作样地同情她，让她告诉我心中的秘密。要是她刚喝过酒，那更是滔滔不绝地讲个没完。每天她都要出门一趟，目的就是去附近的小旅店喝杯威士忌酒。显然她也明白如果总是拿家里的酒，会很快被察觉的。 但是，贾斯廷还是发现了藏在衣柜里的大量空酒瓶，他又惊又气。 朱迪思讲述这事的时候，起初还是得意扬扬：“他气愤极了，从没见过他发那么大的火。由此可见他还是很在乎的，对吧？克伦莎，你知道他怎么样？他把酒拿走，为了不让我糟蹋自己的身体。”讲着讲着，她就显得垂头丧气。当我再去她房间时，发现她坐在桌旁，流着眼泪在写信。“我在给贾斯廷写信。”她说。我凑过去看到信是这样开头的——“我亲爱的，我究竟干了什么？你要这样对我？有时候，我觉得你恨我；你为什么要喜欢别人？为什么？难道我就不能吗……” 我问她：“你总不至于想把信寄给他吧？” “为什么不？不应该吗？” “你天天能见到他，为什么要写信给他？” “他躲着我，我们现在分居了，你不知道吗？他讨厌我。他情愿把我忘了。他跟你在我这儿当佣人时，已全然不一样了。我真希望自己能像你那样安排自己的生活。你不喜欢约翰，对吧？但他却喜欢你，真奇怪！整个都是颠倒了，俩兄弟和他俩的妻子……” 说着她放声大笑，我只好警告她：“小心让佣人们听见。” “佣人们都在厨房里。” “到处都有佣人在走动。”我说。 “那他们会发现什么？发现他冷落我？发现他爱着牧师的女儿？这些他们早就知道。” “嘘，别说了。” “为什么不说？” “朱迪思，今天你情绪不好。” “我真想喝酒。他剥夺了我生活中唯一的乐趣，克伦莎。为什么我不能享受生活？他有他的享受方式。克伦莎，你知道他和那女人到哪儿去了？” “你别老是胡思乱想了！他们俩非常……”我停顿了一会又说：“非常重传统，绝对不会做出离经叛道的事，最多只是好朋友。” “好朋友！”她嘲笑道，“那就等着他俩由朋友变成恋人的那一天吧！克伦莎，等我死后，人们会说些什么呢？” “朱迪思，你想得太多了。” “要是能喝两口就好了，克伦莎，帮帮我，帮我买点酒……给我酒，求求你，克伦莎，你不知道我有多难受。” “我做不到，朱迪思。” “你不肯帮我？谁也帮不了我……没有办法……”她无可奈何地笑笑。 直到几天以后我才明白她当时说这话时，脑子里已有了自己的主意。 几天后，她回娘家。从那儿回来时，带回了一直在德瑞斯干活的女佣范妮彭敦，此后，她便是朱迪思的女佣。
我儿子病了，我再也不关心贾斯廷和朱迪思的事了。那一天早晨，我去看躺在小床上的卡莱恩时，发现他在发烧，我惊惶失措，赶紧叫来了希拉德医生。 原来，卡莱恩是出疹子，医生说用不着担心，这在孩子之间很普遍。 用不着担心！但我依然愁容不展。 我没日没夜地坐在他床边，也不要别人帮忙；约翰也说：“许多孩子都这样，很正常。”我听后轻蔑地看了他一眼，意思是我的儿子可不能像别的孩子那样，马虎不得。 我的婆婆这次格外地疼爱我。“亲爱的，你会累坏的。希拉德医生说了，小孩子出疹子很正常，卡莱恩的症状算是轻的。你去休息一会吧，让我来替你。” 但是，我还是不放心离去，我担心别人不如我那样尽心，弄不好就会出事，我彷佛看到小小的棺材已抬往圣·朗斯顿的墓地。 约翰坐在我身边陪我。“你知道你自己的问题吗？”他说：“你应该多生几个孩子，你就不会这样大惊小怪。要是有一大群孩子围着你，你就会表现得像个真正的母亲，克伦莎。” “别玩世不恭。”我抗议道。 当卡莱恩的病情有所好转后，我的心情也稍稍放心了些。我想像多年以后，自己成了祖母，卡莱恩也有自己的孩子，孩子的孩子，那时，我就是我外婆现在的样子。 这是我的美梦的进一步发展。 这倒是约翰向我指出了我的将来。 卡莱恩没过多久就完全恢复了健康，他又是活泼可爱的样子，他现在已经会说也会跑了，我心中感到无限幸福。 约翰和我也回到了度蜜月时那种亲密的关系，可谓是如漆似胶。就我来说，主要是为了拓展我的美梦；就他而言，则是因为他相信我是个巫师而更加的放纵自己，以为自己是中了魔法之故。
在盛开着玫瑰的花园里，卡莱恩用根小棍子在玩铁圈；梅洛拉坐在一边做针线活儿。 卡莱恩已两岁了，长得比同龄小孩大。他是个性情温和、安静的孩子，只要有人愿意跟他一块儿玩，他都会很高兴，要不然，就自得其乐。 这个时候，我才二十一岁；当我散步在阿巴斯庄园上时，总觉得自己彷佛是一生下来就住在这儿似的。 老夫人一天比一天老。她患风湿病，大部分时间都待在房间里；也不像从前那样有那么多信要写，或是喜欢听人读书，所以，梅洛拉离开她那儿以后，她就没再雇人作伴。现在，她更喜欢独自休息，我和梅洛拉偶尔也去陪她坐一会；梅洛拉陪她时，总是给她朗读些什么；当我给她朗读时，她总是打断我，我俩就谈论卡莱恩。 这些都意味着渐渐地，我已成了这儿的女主人，佣人们绝大多数时候也接纳了我现在的地位，有时候，从佣人脸上一闪而过的表情里，我也会感到他们想到我从前是个外人。 现在朱迪思对我来说已不再是个碍手碍脚的人物。很多时候她都和从德瑞斯带来的女佣范妮待在自己的房间里。 外婆的身体没我原来想像的那么好了，但我也不再像往日那样为她担心。我计划将来让她住在离阿巴斯不远的房子里，叫个佣人服侍地，这我还没与她讲过，现在还不到时候。 乔和艾茜·波伦特订了婚，波伦特说要在婚礼那天让乔成为自己的合作伙伴。外婆听了十分高兴，我可怎么也高兴不起来。外婆竟然笑得合不拢嘴：“我的两个孩子都有了美好的未来。”我可看不出乔的未来怎么能与我的相提并论。想到乔这辈子也成不了正式的医生，我仍是感到有些懊恼。 我要有更多的孩子，这一点到目前还没实现。外婆说隔上一、两年才怀孕是很正常的，而且对我身体的康复也有好处。想着自己美好的未来，我感到满足。眼前我有这么好的儿子，而且，随着时间的流逝，我更加确认朱迪思这辈子也不会怀孕了。也就是说，我的卡莱恩将毫无疑问地继承阿巴斯，我将成为至高无上的老夫人。 当我走进花园时，就想着上面这些事。 我坐在梅洛拉身边，默默地看着儿子。他也看到了我，站在那儿向我挥挥手，然后继续玩他的铁圈；铁圈出了轨道，他跑过去，捡起来，又朝我看看，想确定我是否在注视他。眼前这一幕将永远生动地展现在我的记忆中。这是幸福的时刻，也是我后来才认识到的，所谓的人生幸福，其实只是稍纵即逝的片刻，无论你的整个生活有多么幸福，也只能拥有短暂的幸福阳光。 我突然注意到梅洛拉显得有些不安。 "What are you thinking?" I asked her. 她沉思了一会儿说：“是为朱迪思担心，克伦莎。” 朱迪思！又是朱迪思！她像块遮挡太阳的乌云。她是阻挡梅洛拉走向幸福大道的石头。 I nod. “你知道她在酗酒。” “我知道她喜欢喝，但是贾斯廷不会让她喝得太过分的。” “不管……贾斯廷怎么努力，她仍拚命喝。” 说到贾斯廷的名字，她停顿了一会，这本身就泄露了她心中的爱情。哦，梅洛拉，你无法掩饰你对他的爱。 "Really?" I said. “昨天我经过她房间时，她的房间门敞开着，我听到她在呻吟，我就走进去了，发现她喝得烂醉，躺在床上，真可怕，克伦莎，她连我都认不出来了，她就躺在那儿，两眼发呆，痛苦地哼哼，嘟嘟囔囔地说着什么，我听不请她说的话，我很担心，就去找范妮，范妮在自己的房间里，就在你以前住的那一间里。我进去的时候，她也躺在那儿，见了我也不站起来。我对她说：'贾斯廷夫人需要你，她病了！'她满不在乎地看着我，嘲弄地说，'是吗？马丁小姐，'我继续说，'我听到她在呻吟，你去看看，能为她做点什么。'她笑着说：'夫人没事的，我想你最关心的并不是她，'这真是太气人了。她真不该来这儿，我真是气极了，克伦莎。” 我朝她看看，想起了她是怎样把我从劳务市场带回她家，又是怎样努力让我留下来。梅洛拉想真正做点什么的时候，她还是很勇敢的。玷污她和贾斯廷的纯洁关系在她看来是玷污贾斯廷的人格。我也清楚只要朱迪思活着，她也只能对他怀着这种精神上的爱恋。 梅洛拉继续说：“我就对范妮讲，'你太无礼了，'但她仍躺在那儿嘲笑我，'你在装模作样，马丁小姐，你这样温文尔雅可称得上是贵妇人，但目前看来你成不了夫人，'我要不是及时打断了她，她不知还会说出什么样的下流话，于是我就说，'有人在不断地提供酒给夫人，我想那就是你。'她仍是一副嘲笑的样子，但眼睛往柜子那儿飘。我走到柜子那儿，打开门，发现那里全是酒瓶，有些是满的，有些是空的。显然，在贾斯廷尽其所能劝阻朱迪思酗酒的同时，范妮在给她提供酒。” “但你又能怎么样？梅洛拉。” “我不知道，但我很担心。” “但人们对于你和贾斯廷的闲言碎语比这更让我担心。” “我们是清白的，身正不怕影斜。”她自豪地说。 I was silent.她愤怒地冲着我说：“你不相信我？” “我从来都相信你告诉我的，梅洛拉，我是在想你说的'身正不怕影斜！'这话在现实中能有几分正确？”
第二天，约翰因为生意上的事去普利茅斯。说起来也真怪，自我们结婚以后，他变得让人尊敬了，我相信，要不是因为与我结婚，他的坏名声还会臭个二十年。生活真是奇妙。而贾斯廷，打听从他父母之命结婚以后，他的名誉却每况愈下，很显然，佣人们在厨房里议论的中心就是贾斯廷、梅洛拉和朱迪思三人的关系。约翰跟我结婚时，确实也算丢尽了面子，但后来证明他的选择是对的。这一切看起来真有点像是生活向人们开的玩笑。 我也怀疑过约翰会不会对我不忠实，我不在乎；我现在的地位十分稳固，我已从他那儿得到了我所想要的。 当约翰回来时，他带了一只玩具象。是用灰色的布制成的，腿下面装了滑轮，可以用绳子拉着跑。我那时还从没见过真正的大象，所以看到玩具象时也觉得十分有趣。整个玩具有１２英寸高，两颗钮扣作为它的眼睛，长长的鼻子，还有漂亮的尾巴和两只大耳朵，脖子上还围着一圈红色的皮套。 约翰带着礼物盒来到了儿子的房间。卡莱恩小心地打开跟他差不多高