Chapter 5 Chapter Five If He Wants to Eat Breakfast in Bed, Tell Him to Sleep in the Kitchen

Marriage, I discovered, was designed for extreme sports enthusiasts because it was a high-risk activity with no safety net underneath.come!Come meet this daring couple in the air - outstanding trapeze artists! Now that Jess is down and blood is flying, Hannah and I have to figure out how to clean up the mess. It's a Sunday afternoon, and we're sitting in our crowded kitchen, sipping whiskey and putting on dark powder for Jess, who's lying naked in front of the heater, faking her complexion from a tropical island vacation . She was supposed to arrive at Heathrow an hour after this emergency meeting.

My house rarely has guests so I'm a little nervous because we have so many farting animals running around, it feels like our great grandparents got stuck in a wet ditch during World War I , When someone farts, the guests can only look around at a loss, looking for fresh air, but they can't jump out, this scene is really embarrassing! The last time Mr. Shi Hao, the principal of the school I teach, came to my house to talk about the vacancy of the vice principal, because a hamster in Lowy thought that Mr. Shi Gao’s wig was another one of the same kind and wanted to mate with it, so he ran away.

However, this incident was too urgent, so everyone had to make do with it.My kids were herded upstairs and are now torturing us through the floors with reggae rock music that sounds like a dental drill. Every once in a while, the conversation was interrupted by Jess' self-blame.When I poured the whiskey into the chipped glass, she creaked like a drawer stuck. "It must be my fault!" Like a frightened animal in the forest, she peeked at us from behind her sparse bangs. "David just doesn't think I'm sexy anymore." Hannah and I immediately acted as a figure magic bra, lifting her spirits and supporting whatever was sagging, sure to make our female friend look bigger and more beautiful.But looking at Jess's beautiful hair and skin as white as vanilla ice cream, we don't have to lie.

"Jess, honey, you are beautiful! I mean, look at your hair, it's never been ugly, and, you're so slim, how can you look like me? It's really unfair, especially when I'm in the Diet." I whined without a hint of jealousy. "Did you know? The pounds I've lost, gained, and then lost in my entire life add up to more than five hundred pounds!" It is heart-wrenching to watch a friend be consumed by grief.Banging your head against a wall for an hour burns 150 calories, and this seems to be Jess's only form of exercise at the moment. "Yeah! And I'm the one who bought all kinds of anti-wrinkle creams. I wiped my toes, my belly, my eyelids, and damn even the back of my feet, but it didn't help. My thread is still worse than BT. More rounds!"

But Jess remained depressed, looking at the whiskey glass as if it were a crystal ball that predicted the future. "Turn over." Like a barbecue, I started to brush dark powder cream on Jess's ass. The winter light made her look melancholy and delicate, and she was so thin that it frightened me.Lost at least seven or eight pounds in the last week alone! "Maybe I've been breastfeeding for so long that my nipples have grown like tribal women. Also, I have stretch marks, a crepe-paper bottom, and flabby pelvic muscles. They forgot to tell you that when you have a baby, every I piss every time I laugh!" Jess said plaintively.

"It's true!" I admitted. "At your dinner party that day, I laughed until tears rolled down my legs!" Hannah, who had never had a baby, laughed, but when the flabby pelvic muscles were mentioned, Jess and I immediately had a "my dog ​​peeing in the street" expression, that empty, as if Thoughtful, that's not my dog's expression, it's because we're all secretly contracting our pussy muscles. "Honey, there are many ways to keep women young!" Compassionate Hannah immediately showed Jess her plastic surgeon's business card. "You're right, Hannah, but the lines around my mouth aren't smile lines at all, they're the Grand Canyon!" Jess swung her glass.

"I'll just cut my head off!" With only forty-five minutes left, I asked Jess to turn around again and rub the small particles of brown powder cream into the stretch marks on the lower abdomen.We often make fun of and compare the aftereffects of having a baby, but this is the first time we're taking it seriously. "If you want to keep your husband, you need to do some maintenance." Hannah was eating biscuits, which was probably her main meal today. "Pull up anything that's falling down, including your face. You too, Kathy, don't you want people to want you for your body and not for your ability to solve anagrams?"

"Evil..." Jess saw herself in the mirror on the kitchen table. "My skin doesn't match me at all!" she said, downcast as if at a funeral. "Jaws up, Jess," I told her softly. "No matter what Hannah says, it's something you can do yourself." I wasted my life continuing this kind of conversation, how I wish that "time" would not fly by, I hope that "time" would go to the duty-free shop at the airport, or walk slowly, or take a slower bus, so as not to torture us women . "Everyone knows that David is almost a saint, so the problem must be me!"

"Saint? The Prince of Darkness!" I continued to smear Jess's biceps. "Tell me, when you first met Stuart in Cambridge, didn't you see that he was like a devil, leaving brimstone on his way?" Hannah turned angrily. "Cessandra! You're talking about her husband, and Jess still loves him!" I rolled my eyes, so far up that I could almost see my brain cells being renewed. Hannah confiscated my powder cream and pulled Jess's hair back to cover her shoulders. "Okay!" I automatically corrected, "Stewy is not exactly the reincarnation of the devil, but it is almost real. He behaves like an evil pig!"

"He behaves like a man, honey. Men change tires, cut hedges, and fool around at the same time, to prove their masculinity." She handed the plate of cheese to Jess, "Eat a little, you need strength Get back on your feet." But Jess just glanced at it and didn't touch it. I pondered Hannah's words in silence.As the wife of a man and the mother of a son, I am absolutely qualified to testify in court that male heads hang on the Internet like ear lobes that proliferate from computer screens.With their oversized football glands and minimal hygiene, they seem like micromolecules smaller than a proton when it comes to their efforts to maintain relationships.

Having said that, "sexual incontinence" should be a controllable option, right?Roy is...should be faithful to me! "A man is a man, my dear, and any man with a middle-aged man should know himself," Hannah declared. Jess put down the whiskey so hard that the glass nearly shattered. "If David is having a mid-life crisis, why can't he just...uh... I don't know, buy an impractical car or cross the Channel in a homemade boat? I mean, that ridiculous motorbike Isn't he rebellious enough?" Hannah posed in Michelangelo's "Last Judgment" pose, putting on powder cream for Jess. The plane was about to land in 20 minutes, now customs clearance is very fast, plus the one-hour drive home, so I was so anxious, grabbed the bottle, and started to apply the powder cream frantically and thickly in the imaginary bikini swimsuit In place, there are two round breasts below. Hannah munches on another biscuit unhappily. "Hey, no one said that marriage is easy. Otherwise, when you get married, why bother to say that you will share good and bad, and you will stick to each other when you are sick? Believe me, if you marry my Mr. Allergy, let's see what you will do! He's sick almost every day, and he's in pain every day." She refills Jess's drink. "Every husband has his faults, and the situation can be more dire. For example, he may be a good gambler, or like to moleste children, or..." She shuddered. "Love to play golf." But Jess still refused to be comforted, the cream was only half applied, she was naked and started pacing around my chaotic kitchen, I had to chase her with the cream. "I started two new passions in my twenties—marriage and madness. I mean, Kathy was right, how could I not see the true face of Stretcher?" Under her scrutiny, the image of her husband, whom Jess has admired for twenty years, is gradually being shattered.What she thought was real now appears to be a mirage. "I thought...we...we were happy!" She wailed desolately again. Hannah poured another whiskey for Jess. "There it is, dear." Jess' cry was like a rusty hinge, and she put her hand on her forehead, which was the standard posture of a helpless girl in distress in the silent film era, when she was in great danger. I kicked Hannah under the table. What?she asked me silently.What did I say wrong? "I made money to let that villain finish his medical school training!" After surrendering to the emotions she had hidden for a long time, Jess's grievances were out of control, and her voice was on a seesaw with her emotions. "I dedicate my heart and body to him. I love my job so much, but I'm so stupid that I quit it for him!" "Sigh... I never knew why you gave up your job as a chef." Hannah put on her strong woman side, leaning back and lifting her long, silky legs that had been laser shaved. Jess shot Hannah with steely eyes. "I decided to stay home and take care of Josh, making sure my child inherited 'my' personality flaws, instead of handing him over to Eastern European exchange nannies who are either bulimic or anorexic, isn't that okay?" With about five minutes left, I pulled our half-tanned friend back to sit in front of the heater. I think Jess's decision makes sense, and every female executive I know (no matter how senior) just hears us teachers say that the kids of full-time working women are less likely to get straight A's, and later After it was easier to start collecting Nazi memorabilia, and easier to turn into horror stories of violent kids, it was all about putting aside the financial statements and trying to make some corrections. Jess spread her hands like a crucifix and let me paint her sides. "Aren't I a good wife?" She lifted her chin nobly. "My God! Just think of how much I've endured. Emergency hospital runs with children, human rights campaigns... My home is always full of one-legged landmine victims, self-important cultural exiles who don't qualify as refugees, And labor activists who talk about gender equality, and they want me to serve coffee at the flick of a finger just because I'm the only woman in the room. Yes, I put up with it and have been treating them with style." Jess blows her nose like the foghorn on a Channel ferry. "It's ridiculous to think about it. When the heroine of "BJ's Single Diary" was so drunk that she vomited in the gutter at three o'clock in the middle of the night, she actually regarded marriage as an achievement in life!" Hannah immediately corrected her: "Not all men are assholes." "That's right, all those who are not bastards are dead! These men can't live with them, and they can't steal a cyanide for him to eat without going to jail... Sniff, I'm going to vomit!" Hug Jess, with his belly full and sweaty hair, looked like an overripe mango.She wipes her forehead. "The electric heater is too hot! Kathy, I feel dizzy and have a headache. Do you have peanut butter? I'm craving it lately." "God, you're not pregnant, are you?" Hannah rolled her eyes like a mime. "Yes, it must be so, Kathy, it's called a virgin conception!" Jess continued, "Well... the reason I'm so upset is because I find women still put themselves last. Look at you, Hannah, you don't have kids because Pascal doesn't want them. And... ..." I looked at the kitchen clock. Jess should have gone through customs by now to get her luggage. This is a dangerous topic, and I was desperately trying to steer it into safe territory. "I don't understand why you don't want a baby, Hannah, it's worth using it as an excuse to leave the party early!" "My priority is Pascal. This is the life we ​​want." Hannah was already smoking. Jess was speechless because she drank too much whiskey, and said disdainfully: "Your life is what he wants, he wants to be your only son, the center of your universe." "So what? At least we're having a good time!" Hannah flaunted a little cruelly. "Don't mess with her, Jess, Hannah's sofa and everything is too beautiful to be contaminated by a child's piss." I'm so capable, responsible for so many fires, enough to be the best fireman up. "Well... I hate children, and I hate animals, but admitting to hating children is less likely to be assassinated." Hannah muttered. Every time the two of them found out they were killing each other, Hannah and Jess teamed up to turn their grievances on me, and our friendship returned to safe territory. "Okay! Jess, it's time to get dressed," I urged her. "You should be driving home by now." “I have no problems with my life,” Hannah declared again, reaching in disgust to wipe away the drool that our dog threw at her. "It's Kathy we should be worried about, she should be on the 'Is this your life' kind of reality show. Is this your life?" she licked her Doberman pinscher from under the table angrily. out from under his tongue, and swung towards my kitchen. "What kind of dog is this? It seems like the kind of animal that will pull you into the underground world!" "Kathy, Hannah is right. I mean, you have a full-time job, but is Roy helping you?" As usual, I obediently played the role of the bully, and as usual said that Roy was a good partner and shared half of every job. "Share half? Women suck at math!" Jess said in a very fiery tone, "Men are lying when they say they do half of the housework, babysitting and kitchen work! That's like this joke I'm going to tell : The reason why brides wear white is because the dishwasher is supposed to go with the stove and the refrigerator, and that's a completely different thing." She pauses, blowing her nose in an earth-shattering manner. "No wonder your sex life sucks because you hate him from the bottom of your heart!" I glared at Jess in shock.How could she reveal my secret like this? Hannah stared at me in disbelief for a full minute, giving the impression that she was finally going to pick something up with her knife and fork—me, go smear it on her biscuit and eat it in one bite. "Your sex life sucks?" she asked again, savagely. "Uh... I didn't intend to spread the secret of my sex life, because I don't actually have a sex life, but..." I gave Jess another sharp look. To delay my answer, I soaked Jess's bikini and crumpled it in a plastic bag, then grabbed a handful of cat litter and sprinkled it in her suitcase. "You promised never to tell?" I asked, and Hannah nodded. "I...uh...I...uh...omg! I can't feel an orgasm!" I finally admitted reluctantly. "Like most married women, she's at the end of her sex life!" Jess said resentfully. "Really? I always thought Roy was an animal in bed." "Yeah! He's an animal, yes, but he's a hamster." I said bitterly. In the past, sexual indulgence made a woman feel guilty and inferior, but now it is not enjoying sex life that makes a woman feel guilty. "You should really be on your way!" I tapped my watch. "It's bad if there's a traffic jam." "Roy has the patience to put the golf ball in the little blob into the blob's hole, but not the patience to find your G-spot. Isn't that right, Kathy?" Jess tried her wheat with her fingertips. Is the fake skin dry? Hannah looked at me in shock, apparently taking the news as a scandal. "Roy plays golf?" I shrugged noncommittally.It may be Lowe who plays the ball, but it's me who needs the bat to back up that pathetic personality.Why am I always unable to stand my ground and not be bullied?In my playbook, I've always been on the defensive, not taking any chances. "Everyone says that our generation is the happiest, with everything inside and out," Jess continued, "What they really mean is 'Let you do everything inside and out', what are you capable of? You can do it! This is The reason why I don't go to work." "I didn't do it all!" I muttered. "Roy's gonna help me, really. Jess, get dressed, you've got to go. Come on!" "He helped you? Huh!" Jess mocked me, pulling on pants, boots, coat, and gloves for the winter weather. "Check it out yourself! When a working mother wakes up her children, urges them to go to school, does chores, and ends up with egg yolk on her shirt, out of breath, and goes to work without breakfast, even Pakistani What are their husbands doing while there is a major earthquake? Read the newspaper, take a shower, shave, listen to the BBC news, arrive at the office refreshed—this is why you lose your orgasm, because you Angry. You're like a hamster stuck in a big wheel of hate and accusations that you can't get out of. You subconsciously get so mad at that guy that sex with him is no longer fun, it becomes another A nasty obligation." Jess got dressed and straightened up, all done, no more excuses not to face her hateful spouse. "There are all kinds of wars in the world, but marriage is the only one. You have to sleep with your enemy!" She announced loudly, took the orange scarf around her neck, and tied a hangman's noose knot. This symbolic gesture of hers was not missed. "Roy is not the enemy," I pick on her tongue. "He is a very involved father! He helps me a lot, in childcare, housework..." "Career wise? Aren't you pushing for a promotion?" Hannah put on her coat. "Yes! I'm going to see the principal tomorrow." "Okay! Let's see, how does this guy help you in your quest to get that position?" I want to refute, but I don't want to fall out with my friends. When will this fear of conflict be eradicated? It's strange that BBC biologist David Attenborough didn't come to me to make a documentary. A creature like me, half woman, half mouse, with a spine as soft as a jellyfish, should be rare! "Just remember, women don't shoot a man who sucks the floor!" This is Jess's farewell words, and Hannah is sending her home, theoretically tanned and very happy because of vacation. When they finally left, I leaned against the gate and slumped on the ground. Jess was wrong!My ability to do more work has not become everything. Roy and I are true partners, and he shares half of everything... really?

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