Chapter 6 Vol.3 The Womanizer

The house of Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov was neither in the center nor on the outskirts of the city.The house was old, but pleasing to the eye: a bungalow with an attic, gray exterior, red tin roof.The house will last a long time, and it is very spacious and comfortable, with various storerooms, various dark rooms, and winding stairs.The house was full of rats, but Fyodor Pavlovich didn't dislike them very much: "It's not too lonely at home alone at night." Staying alone in the main room at night with the door closed.The wing room is in the yard, spacious and solid.Fyodor Pavlovich had arranged the kitchen there, although there was also a kitchen in the main house.He doesn't like the smell of kitchen fumes, and three meals a day are brought from the yard no matter in winter or summer.The house was originally built for a large family with five times as many masters and servants as it now has.But at the time when our story takes place, only Fyodor Pavlovich and Ivan Fyodorovich and his son lived in the main house, while the annexe for the servants lived in total. Three servants: old Grigory and his wife Marfa, plus the young manservant Smerdyakov.Regarding these three servants, it is necessary to give a slightly detailed introduction.We have said enough about the old man Grigory Vasilyevich Kutuzov.He is an old man with a strong character and a stubborn temper. As long as he recognizes a reason, no matter how illogical it is, he will unswervingly follow it to the end.All in all, he is honest, honest and upright.Although his wife, Marfa Ignatievna, had always obeyed her husband's will unconditionally, she was sometimes entangled. For example, she asked to leave Fyodor Pavlovich immediately after the liberation of the serfs. Go to Moscow to start a small business (they have somehow saved up a little money).But Grigory concluded at the time that this girl was talking nonsense, "because all girls are wicked" and no matter whether the original owner was good or bad, she shouldn't leave anyway, "because it's Our duty now."

"Do you know what duty is?" he asked Marfa Ignatyevna. "I don't know about obligations, Grigory Vasilyevich, but what is our obligation to stay here now? I really don't understand," said Marfa Ignatievna firmly. Reply. "You don't need to understand. The matter is settled like this. You are not allowed to talk too much." As it turned out, they did not leave, and Fyodor Pavlovitch fixed their wages, not much, but paid on time.Besides, Grigory knew that he had an indisputable influence over his master.He felt it, and it was justified: Fyodor Pavlovich, the cunning, self-willed buffoon, was, as he himself said, "in certain things in life." He is very strong, but even he himself finds it strange that he often appears weak when it comes to other "things in life".He knew in his heart what exactly it was, and it was because he knew that he was afraid.In some things in life, one should be on high alert. At this time, if there is no reliable person around, it is very difficult, and Grigory happens to be a very reliable person.Many times in Fyodor Pavlovich's life he was in danger of being beaten, or even severely beaten, at which time Grigory always stepped forward and rescued him in time, although after the incident the old servant always To count him down.Of course, just being beaten would not frighten Fyodor Pavlovich so much, and more serious or even more subtle and complicated situations will often occur. At this time, even Fyodor Pavlovich himself He could not tell how desperately he needed a loyal and reliable confidant, and this need was often felt suddenly and inexplicably.This is an almost morbid phenomenon: Fyodor Pavlovich is an extremely dissolute person, who is often lustful like a ferocious beast, and sometimes feels suddenly spiritual when he is drunk. The terror and the moral shock of his mind produced a physical response in him.Sometimes he said: "At this time my heart trembled in my throat." At such moments, he really hoped that there was a faithful and reliable person by his side, if not in his room, at least in the wing.This man should be quite different from him, without absurdity, who, even though he has seen all his hideous deeds, knows all his secrets, but can bear it all out of loyalty, without objection, more importantly, without reprimand, and without criticism. He never uttered a single threatening word, in this life or in the next, and was able to come out and protect him when need be, from some terrible and dangerous stranger.The point is that there must be another person around, an aged, kind person who can be called upon when he is in distress.The purpose of calling him was nothing more than to see his face and maybe say a few words to him, even something completely insignificant.If the other party has no reaction and is not angry, then he may feel more relaxed, and if the other party is angry, then his mood may be more melancholy.It happened once (very accidentally, of course) that Fyodor Pavlovich got up in the middle of the night and went to the anteroom to wake Grigory up and ask Grigory to come to his room for a while.Grigory went, and Fyodor Pavlovitch chatted with him about trifles, and after a while sent him back to the lodge, sometimes even laughing at him and joking with him, while he himself After spitting, I went to bed, completely unencumbered as if nothing happened, and fell asleep peacefully.A similar situation happened to Fyodor Pavlovich after Alyosha's return, and Alyosha "touched his heart deeply" because he "lived with his father, saw everything, But not a single word of reproach."Not only that, but he brought something that had never been seen before: no contempt for him as an old man, on the contrary, always a kindness and sincerity towards him, a well-deserved respect for him. attachment.For an old lecher and old bachelor like himself, all this was a completely unexpected gift, something he, who had hitherto only loved "dirty things", never expected.After Alyosha left, he admitted that he understood something that he didn't want to understand before.

As I mentioned at the beginning of the story, Grigory hated Fyodor Pavlovich's first wife, Adelaida, the mother of his eldest son Dmitry Fyodorovich. Ivanovna, and defending his second wife, the epileptic Sophia Ivanovna, he was determined not to let her master bully her, and he would not even allow anyone to say a bad word about her, even if it was A flippant word.His sympathy for this unfortunate woman had become such a sacred emotion that twenty years later he could not bear a single bad word about her, even in a circumstantial way, and he would immediately speak out against her detractors.From the outside, Grigory is a cold and dignified person who doesn't like to talk much, but what he says carries weight.For example, at first glance, it is difficult to tell whether he loves his docile and submissive wife, but in fact he loves her, and his wife knows it in her heart.Marfa Ignatyevna was a woman, far from being stupid, perhaps wiser than her husband, at least more reasonable in handling everyday life, but from the day of her marriage she obeyed him without complaint. , and absolutely respect him for outdoing himself in terms of ethos.It is worth pointing out that, apart from talking about the most essential daily matters, the old couple seldom discussed all their lives. The arrogant and majestic Grigory always thought about all the things that needed to be taken care of by himself, so Marfa Igna Dievna had already fully understood that he didn't need to discuss anything with her.She felt that her husband appreciated her silence very much, and even thought it was her intelligence.He never actually hit her, except once, but not hard.In the first year of Adelaida Ivanovna's marriage to Fyodor Pavlovitch, there was a meeting in the country of a country girl and her daughter-in-law, who were then serfs, at the landowner's house. Singing and dancing in the yard, everyone danced the "Grass Dance".Suddenly, Marfa Ignatyevna—she was a young woman at the time—rushed up to the chorus and danced the "Russian dance" in a peculiar way, unlike the other village women. That way he danced according to the country rules, but in the pose he had learned from the family theater troupe of the rich landowner Miusov's family, taught by a dance teacher hired from Moscow. The actors dance.Grigory saw that his wife danced differently, and an hour later he gently grabbed her by the hair in his wooden house and taught him a lesson.But the beating happened only once, and it never happened again in her life, and Marfa Ignatievna swore that she would never dance again.

God gave them no children, and one boy died.Grigory obviously liked children, and he didn't even try to hide it, that is, he didn't feel ashamed to show it.After Adelaida Ivanovna ran away, he took home Dmitri Fyodorovitch, who was only three years old, and looked after him for nearly a year, combing his hair with a small comb, and even Bathe him in the tub.Later he took care of Ivan Fyodorovitch and Alyosha, for which he was boxed.But I have already explained these things.As for his own child, he had only had a vain love during Marfa Ignatyevna's pregnancy.When the child was born, it made him sad and frightened, because the child was born with six fingers.Grigory was so angry that he almost fainted. He didn't say a word until the day of the baptism, and he deliberately hid in the garden to sulk.It was spring, and he spent three days digging the vegetable bed in the vegetable garden.On the third day the baby will be baptized.Grigory had already made up his mind.When the priest and the guests had gathered in his cabin, and at last even Fyodor Pavlovich was there as godfather, he suddenly came in and declared publicly: "Children do not need to be baptized at all"—his voice was silent. Gao, who didn't talk much, uttered each word slowly, staring blankly at the priest while speaking.

"Why?" asked the priest, amused and curious at the same time. "Because it's...a dragon..." Grigory faltered. "How is it a dragon? What kind of dragon?" Grigory was silent for a moment. "God made a mistake..." he muttered, slurring his words but resolutely, evidently unwilling to go into further explanation. There was a good laugh, and of course there was a christening of the poor boy afterwards.Grigory also prayed earnestly by the holy fountain, but his opinion of the newborn baby remained unchanged.However, he did not take any intervening actions, and he was completely resigned. During the two weeks that the sick boy was alive, he almost never looked at him, and he didn't even want to look at him. Not at home most of the time.Two weeks later the child died of thrush, and he buried him with his own hands, looking at his remains with deep sorrow.When everyone started filling the shallow and small grave, he knelt down and kowtowed to the small grave.For many years since then he had not once mentioned his children, and not even Marfa Ignatievna had ever mentioned them to him, even if she occasionally spoke of her own. "Little darling," said it in a low voice, even though Grigory Vasilyevich was not there.According to Marfa Ignatievna's observations, since he buried the child, he has been mainly studying "the knowledge of God" and reading "Acts", mostly silently alone, wearing a pair of gloves every time. Big, round glasses with silver rims.He rarely read aloud, except during the Great Fast.He likes to read "The Book of Job", and he has not yet obtained a copy of "The Sermon Lectures of Our Divine Father Isaac Sirin", and has been reading it persistently for several years, although he does not understand its meaning. But because of this, I cherish and love this book even more.Recently, by chance, I came across the teaching of whipping and example at a neighbor, so I started to pay attention and study it.He was obviously very shaken, but he didn't think he should convert to another new sect.His extensive knowledge of "theology" naturally added a bit of arrogant arrogance to him.

Perhaps, he was inclined to mysticism.Coincidentally, the birth and death of the six-fingered baby was connected with another very strange and unexpected event.That strange incident, as he later said, left a deep "brand" in his heart.On the day of the six-fingered baby's burial, Marfa Ignatievna awoke in the middle of the night and seemed to hear the cry of a newborn baby.She was so frightened that she quickly woke her husband up.The husband listened carefully and said that it was most likely someone moaning, "like a bitch".He gets up and gets dressed.It was a rather warm May night.He walked to the door and heard moans clearly coming from the garden.But the garden was surrounded by a high and strong wall, and the door leading from the yard into the garden was locked at night, and there was no other way into the garden except through this door.Grigory returned to the house, lit a lamp, took the key to the garden, and ignored his wife's hysterical yelling (she insisted that she heard the cry of the child, and it must have been hers. The child is crying, calling to her) and walks silently towards the garden.At this time, he clearly heard moaning coming from the bathroom not far from the small door, and it was indeed a woman moaning.He pushed open the bathhouse door, and the sight in front of him stunned him for a moment: the crazy woman who roamed the streets and was well-known in the city, nicknamed Stinky Lizaveta, got into the bathhouse of their family and had just given birth to a child.The child lay beside her, and she herself was dying.She couldn't even say a word, because she was dumb and couldn't speak at all.But these cases are best described in particular.

This particular scene before him greatly shocked Grigory and thoroughly confirmed his original unpleasant and disgusting suspicion.This girl, who was nicknamed Stinky Lizaveta, was of a very small stature, only "two argentinas high," as many pilgrim old wives in our town have said after her death.She was twenty years old, with a healthy, rosy, broad face that was full of dementia, and her eyes, though gentle, were dull and unpleasant.Regardless of the harsh winter and hot summer, she walks barefoot all year round, wearing only a linen shirt.A head of exceptionally thick black hair, curly like sheep's wool, fell on his head like a large hat.Besides, her hair is always dirty with dirt, leaves, grass stalks, sawdust, etc., because she always sleeps in the dirty mud.Her father, Ilya, was a bourgeois, bankrupted homeless bum, sick and drunk, and had been working as a servant for many years in the homes of well-to-do bourgeois in our town.Lizaveta's mother died long ago.Every time Lizaveta came home, Ilya, who was sick all the year round and had a violent temper, would beat her up brutally, but she seldom came home, and the whole city would feed her when they saw that she was born lunatic. of.Ilya's employers, Ilya himself, and many poor people in the city, mainly the bosses and wives of the merchants, tried more than once to dress Lizaveta in a decent way and keep her from wearing the old clothes. In winter, she always wears a fur coat and boots on her feet.She would docilely let herself be dressed, but then she would hide somewhere, probably under the church porch, and take the things given to her--kerchiefs, skirts, fur coats, boots-- They all took off and put them on the ground, and left quietly wearing a shirt with bare feet.Once the new governor came to inspect our small town. He was in a good mood, but he was very angry when he saw Lizaveta. Although his subordinates reported to him that he was "crazy", he still warned that a young girl only wore clothes. A shirt hanging around is an unsightly sight and must be eliminated in the future.Once the governor left, Lizaveta remained the same.Later, her father died, and she became an orphan, and the good men and women in the city felt sorry for her even more.Indeed, everyone seemed to like her, and even the boys didn't tease or bully her.Our boys, especially the students, are troublemakers.When she went into a stranger's house, no one would chase her away. On the contrary, everyone would give her a little petting and a few pennies.When someone gave her money, she immediately took it and put it in a church or prison donation jar.She was offered rolls or bread at the market, and she would take it to the first child she met, or stop some of the richest wives we have here, and give her bread, and the wives would Will gladly accept it.And she herself fed on nothing but black bread and water.Sometimes she went into a rich shop and sat down, surrounded by expensive goods and cash, but the shopkeepers never had to be wary of her. She would never take a kopeck either.She seldom goes to church, but she sleeps on the steps of the church door at night, or climbs over the fence (until now, many people in our place use fences instead of walls) and sleep in other people's vegetable gardens.She went home about once a week, that is, to the houses of the employers who had worked part-time while her father was alive, and went back every day in winter, but she only stayed one night, sleeping in the corridor or in the cowshed.Everyone finds it strange that she can live like this, but she is used to it.She was short in stature, but very strong.Some of our lords here insist that she did it only out of pride, but where does that begin!She can't even say a word, she just rolls her tongue and growls occasionally - how arrogant is this!Then it happened that once, a long time ago, on a warm and bright September night with a bright moon in the sky, and it was quite late in our parlance, there were a bunch of drunken fellows, and we A few idle young masters in the city, five or six swingers, came out of the club and took the road home.There are fences on both sides of the alley, and behind the fences are vegetable gardens next to each other.There is a small bridge at the end of the alley, and under the bridge is a long stinky ditch, sometimes we are used to calling it a small river here.The gang saw Lizaveta sleeping among the nettles and burdock grass by the fence.These drunken young masters came up to her laughing and telling some extremely nasty jokes.A young master had a sudden whim and asked a very strange question: "Is there anyone who can treat this beast like a woman and treat her like this now?" Everyone concluded with a kind of arrogant disgust that this was impossible. of.Fyodor Pavlovich happened to be among the group at the time, and he jumped out and said with absolute certainty that she could be considered a woman, and a very woman at that, even with a special flavor and so on.In fact, at that time he deliberately dressed himself up as a clown in our place, and liked to volunteer to make the gentlemen laugh. On the surface, he was naturally equal, but in fact he was a complete lowly bitch in front of them.This happened just at the time when he had just received from Petersburg the sad news of his original wife, Adelaida Ivanovna.He was wearing black veil on his hat, and he went on whoring and drinking, and some people in the town, including the most dissolute ones, were disgusted to see him.The rakes burst out laughing at his unexpected words, and one of them even said something provocative to Fyodor Pavlovich, but the rest didn't care. He didn't take it seriously at all, although he was still laughing and laughing.Finally, everyone finally went home.Afterwards Fyodor Pavlovich swears that he, too, left with the others.Maybe it is, but no one can be sure and never will know.But after six months, people in the town began to talk about Lizaveta's pregnancy in a rage.Everyone inquired and investigated one after another, who did this evil?Who insulted her?At that moment a terrible rumor suddenly spread through the town that it was this Fyodor Pavlovitch who had bullied her.Where did this rumor come from?Only one of the nocturnal bums remained in the city at that time, a respectable civil servant of the prime of life, with a wife and grown daughters, who, if it had happened, would have There was absolutely no fanfare, and the other five participants had long since left.But the rumors were directed at Fyodor Pavlovich, and have been directed at him.Fyodor Pavlovich himself did not take much notice of this, he disdained to deal with merchants and petty bourgeois.At that time, his attitude towards ordinary people was very arrogant, and he talked and laughed happily only in the circle of officials and nobles to please them.At this critical moment, Grigory stood up and spared no effort to defend his master's reputation. He not only defended him, refuted all kinds of gossip, but even quarreled and scolded others for him. As a result, many people really no longer believed These gossips are all due to her being a bad bitch.He was quite sure that her bully was none other than "Culp with the screwdriver"—a vicious escapee known throughout the town who had been hiding in our town since he escaped from the provincial prison.This guess seems reasonable, everyone remembers Culp, and remembers that he wandered around the city on those early autumn nights and robbed three people.But this incident and various speculations not only did not weaken everyone's sympathy for the poor crazy girl, on the contrary, everyone loved her and cared about her even more.The businesswoman Kontratieva, a wealthy widow, even made arrangements to take Lizaveta to her home at the end of April, to keep her out until she gave birth, and to have her looked after day and night.In spite of all the care she had received, Lizaveta managed to escape secretly from the Kontratievas' house on the last night and found herself in the garden of Fyodor Pavlovich's house. .As for how she was able to climb over the tall and thick garden wall when she was pregnant with Liujia, it has always been a mystery.Some people think that she was "carried in" by people, while others said that she was "flyed in with the help of God's power".But the biggest possibility is that all this is inexplicable, but it is actually a very natural thing. Lizaveta was good at climbing over fences to spend the night in people's vegetable gardens. Although she was pregnant, she managed to climb up this time He jumped over the fence of Fyodor Pavlovich's house, and, ignoring the possibility of injury, jumped from it.Grigory hurried back and called Marfa Ignatievna to help Lizaveta, while he himself ran for the midwife.Fortunately the midwife lived nearby.The child was saved, but Lizaveta died before dawn.Grigory carried the baby home, made his wife sit up, put the baby on her lap, and held her in her arms: "The orphan is a child of God, and everyone must love him, not to mention us Yes. This child is sent by our dead son, the son of the devil and the saint, so feed him and stop crying." And so Marfa Ignatievna began Raise this child.He was baptized and named Pavel, and as for his father's name, they all called him Fyodorovich.Fyodor Pavlovich didn't stop him either, and even thought it was all very interesting, although he categorically denied that it had anything to do with him.People in the city thought he had done a good deed by taking in an abandoned baby.Later Fyodor Pavlovich gave the foundling a surname: Smerdyakov, because the child's mother was nicknamed Lizaveta Smerdashya.This Smerdyakov grew up to be Fyodor Pavlovich's second valet, and lived in the annex with Grigory and Pharaoh Mar.He works as a cook.I should have devoted a few words to him, but I am a little embarrassed to distract the reader's attention for a long time for this extremely ordinary servant, so I will return to the topic.Fortunately, as the story progresses, Smerdyakov will naturally be mentioned.

Alyosha was momentarily bewildered when he heard his father yell at him from the carriage as he was leaving the monastery, ordering him to return immediately.It's not that he stood there dumbfounded, he wasn't like that.On the contrary, although he was very disturbed, he immediately went to the dean's wing to find out what his father had just done.Then he set out for the city, hoping that on the way back he would be able to solve the problem that troubled him.First things first: he had nothing to fear from his father's yelling and orders to move home "with pillows and mattresses."He couldn't be more clear that his father ordered him to move back in public, and he pretended to yell, it was entirely out of a "hobby", so to speak, for the sake of face.Just like a drunken citizen in their city not long ago, at the banquet celebrating his name day, because he was not allowed to drink vodka, he was furious in front of many guests, slammed his own dishes, tore Rubbing his own and his wife's clothes, smashing his own furniture, and finally smashing his own glass, these actions are just for face.And now of course his father did too.When the drunken citizen woke up the next day, he felt distressed when he saw the broken dishes.Alyosha knew that the old man would surely release him back to the monastery tomorrow, and even today.Besides, Alyosha was completely convinced that his father would never insult him if he wanted to.Alyosha firmly believed that no one in the world would want to bully him, not only had no such desire, but also had no such possibility.For him it was an unquestionable and eternal axiom.Because of this belief, he went forward bravely without wavering.

But at the moment he was haunted by a fear of a quite different nature, which was all the more painful because he could not even articulate it to himself.In fact, it was the fear of women, and more specifically, the fear of Katerina Ivanovna.Mrs. Katerina Ivanovna had recently handed him a note begging him to go to her once in a while.Her request, and her determination to go, at once injected a certain annoyance into his mind.All morning this feeling had grown stronger in him, even though the succession of quarrels and accidents that followed in the Abbey and in the Abbot's chamber did not lessen it.What he was afraid of was not what she would say to him and how he would answer that he had no idea, nor was he afraid because she was a woman.Of course, he did not understand women, but after all he had lived with women from childhood until he entered the monastery.But he was afraid of this woman, of Katerina Ivanovna.I've been afraid of her since the first time I saw her.He met her only once or twice, maybe three times, and only once did he speak to her occasionally.He remembered her as a beautiful, proud, dignified girl, but it was not her beauty that bothered him but something else.It is precisely because his fear cannot be explained that it increases the fear in his heart.The girl's intentions were extremely noble, he knew that.She would do her best to save his elder brother Dmitri, who, despite what he had done to her, did so out of magnanimity.Now, though he was aware of it, and did justice to her good intentions and generous heart, he still felt a chill run down his spine when he entered her apartment.

He estimated that he would not meet her second brother Ivan Fyodorovich, who was close to her, and Ivan was definitely with his father now.As for Dmitry, that would never happen again.He also guessed why the eldest brother wasn't there.Therefore, their conversations are likely to take place individually.He wished he had seen or visited his brother Dmitri before this crucial conversation.He didn't want to show him the letter, but he could talk to him.But the elder brother Dmitri lives far away, and is certainly not at home now.He stood for a while, and finally made up his mind.He made the sign of the sign of the cross hastily as usual, smiled again for some reason, and then walked with firm steps towards the home of the terrible girl in his mind.

He knew her home.If you take the main street and cross the square or something, it's quite a distance.Our small town is very scattered, and the distances between places are often quite long.Besides, his father was waiting for him. Maybe he hadn't forgotten his order, and he might lose his temper, so he had to hurry up and try not to delay both parties.With these circumstances in mind, he decided to take shortcuts and shorten the distance, and he knew the small roads in the city like the back of his hand.The so-called small road actually has no road. It needs to follow a series of desolate walls, and sometimes even climb over other people's fences and pass through other people's yards, but those people all know him and greet him when they meet.He took this shortcut to the main street, which cut the distance in half.For a part of the way he had to pass very close to his father's house, that is, he had to walk by the garden of his father's neighbor's house.The neighbor's house was small and dilapidated, with only four windows, all of which were tilted.As far as Alyosha knew, the little house belonged to a petty citizen of the town, an old woman with a broken leg.She lives with her daughter. Her daughter used to be a servant girl in the capital. She was very well-bred. Not long ago, she worked in the homes of several generals. Because her mother was ill, she returned to her hometown about a year ago, and she still often wears beautiful skirts. Show off in front of people.But the mother and daughter are now in such dire poverty that they go to the kitchen of their neighbor, Fyodor Pavlovich, to beg for soup and bread every day.Marfa Ignatyevna was happy to help them.Although the daughter was so poor that she was begging, she was still reluctant to sell those skirts, and one of them still had a long train.Of course, Alyosha heard about this incident by chance from Rakitin, who knew everything about the city, and Alyosha soon forgot about it.But now walking through the neighbor's garden, he suddenly remembered the skirt, so he quickly raised his pensive head, and suddenly... encountered a most unexpected situation. His elder brother Dmitri Fyodorovich, who was standing behind the fence in the neighbor's garden, with some padding under his feet, was leaning out halfway and beckoning him to come over, obviously afraid that no one would overhear him. Not only did he not dare to call him loudly, he even dared not speak aloud.Alyosha immediately ran to the fence. "It's a good thing you looked up yourself, otherwise I would have almost called you," said Dmitry Fyodorovitch cheerfully and hastily. "Climb over here! Quick! Ah, you came just in time! I was thinking of you just now..." Alyosha was also very happy, but he didn't know how to get over the fence, so Mitya grabbed his arm with a strong hand and helped him jump over.Alyosha lifted up his monk's uniform and jumped across it with as much dexterity as a barefoot urchin in the city. "Okay, let's go!" Mitya couldn't help but whisper excitedly. "Where are you going?" whispered Alyosha, too, and looking around, he found himself in an empty garden, where there was no one around but the two brothers.Although the garden was small, the owner's house was about fifty steps away from them. "There's no one here, why are you talking furtively?" "Why are you sneaking around? Oh, what the hell!" Dmitri Fyodorovitch exclaimed suddenly, letting go of his voice. "Why should I whisper? You see, God is playing the piano. I'm hiding here." , I'm spying on a secret. I'll tell you later. I thought it was a secret, so I was also sneaky, and I lowered my voice like a fool when I spoke, but there was no need for it. Come on! Over there Go! Don't talk for a while. I want to kiss you! "Praise be to the God of men, “赞美我心中的上帝！ "... “这是你来之前，我坐在这儿反复唱的……” 花园的面积大约一公顷左右，也许略大些，可是只沿着四周的围墙栽了一圈树木——苹果树、槭树、菩提树和白桦树。花园中央是一片空旷的草地，到夏天可收割几普特干草。开春以后女主人便把花园租给别人，收取几个卢布。园子里也种些覆盆子、醋栗、茶藨子，不过都在围墙旁边。紧靠着房子有几畦蔬菜，那是前不久才栽的。德米特里·费奥多罗维奇把客人带到一个离房子最远的角落。在密密的菩提树和古老的醋栗、接骨木、绣球花、丁香之类的灌木丛中，突然冒出一个废弃多年的凉亭，原来的绿色变成黑乎乎的了，带栅栏的墙壁已经倾斜，上面有个顶子，尚能避雨。这凉亭天知道建于何年何月，据传说是五六十年前由当时这房子的主人、退伍中校亚历山大·卡尔洛维奇·冯·史密特修建的。如今一切都已腐朽，地板霉烂了，每一块木板都已经松动，木头都散发出一股霉味。亭子里有一张固定在地上的绿色木桌，桌子周围有一圈绿色的长凳，上面还可以坐人。阿廖沙刚才觉得大哥的情绪相当兴奋，走进凉亭后才看到，原来小桌上放着半瓶白兰地和一只酒杯。 “这是白兰地！”米佳哈哈大笑起来。“你看到了准会说'他又在酗酒了'吧？你不要捕风捉影。 “不要相信空虚而虚伪的人们， “请你忘却自己的怀疑…… “我没有酗酒，只是在'品尝佳酿'，就像拉基京那头蠢猪说的。拉基京将来会当个五品文官，尽说些'品尝佳酿'之类的话。你坐下。阿廖沙，我真想一把抱起你，紧紧搂在怀里，搂得你骨头都散架，因为在整个世界上，我真正……真……正……（你要明白！你要明白！）爱的只有你一个人！” 这最后一句话，他是在近乎疯狂状态中说的。 “只爱你一个，还有个'下贱女人'，我迷上了她，自己也就彻底完蛋了。但迷上不等于爱。出于憎恨也可以迷上的。你要记住！现在我暂时还可以痛痛快快地说话。你坐下，就靠着这桌子，我挨着你，我就一面看着你一面跟你说话。你别说话，让我一直说下去，因为期限到了。不过你知道吗，我认为的确要小声说话，因为这里……这里可能有人偷听。我会把什么都说给你听的，刚才不是说过待会儿要把一切都告诉你吗？为什么这几天我急着要见你，巴不得马上见到你？我在这儿已经等候了整整五天。因为我要把一切都告诉你，只对你一个人说，因为需要这样做，因为我需要你，因为明天我就要从天上掉到地下，从幻想回到现实，因为明天生命就要结束，或者重新开始，你有没有体验过或梦见过从山上掉进泥坑的情景？你看，眼下我真的在迅速坠落，不是在做梦。不过我并不害怕，你也别怕。其实我是害怕的，不过我觉得很舒服，其实也不是舒服，而是兴奋……去他妈的！不管是什么，反正都一样！坚强的精神，软弱的精神，娘们的精神——反正都一样。让我们赞美大自然吧：你看，阳光多么灿烂，天空多么晴朗，树叶碧绿青翠，整个儿还是夏天的景象，下午三点多钟，一片宁静！你刚才要到哪里去？” “到父亲那儿，顺道先去看看卡捷琳娜·伊凡诺芙娜。” “你到她那儿，再到父亲那儿！嘿，真是巧极了！你知道我为什么叫你来？为什么盼望你来？为什么如饥似渴地、打心底里盼望你来吗？就是要你代表我到父亲那儿，再到卡捷琳娜·伊凡诺芙娜那儿。就此跟她也跟父亲一刀两断。我要派一位天使去。本来可以随便派一个人，可我一定要派一位天使。正巧你自己两边都要去。” “难道你真的想派我去吗？”阿廖沙脱口而出，脸上露出痛苦的表情。 “得了，你心里明白。我看得出，你一下子全都明白了。不过你别说，暂时别说，你不要怜悯，也不要流泪！” 德米特里·费奥多罗维奇站起来，仔细想了想，手指按着额头说： “她一定是自己叫你去的，她给你写了封信，或者用什么别的办法通知了你，所以你才到她那儿去，不然，你会去吗？” “你看这字条！”阿廖沙从口袋里掏出一张字条。米佳匆匆看了一遍。 “你这是抄近路啊！上帝啊！我真要感谢上帝让他抄近路，让他自己走到我这儿，就像童话里的金鱼自己游到愚蠢的渔夫面前一样。你听我说，阿廖沙，听我说，弟弟。现在我已经打算把一切都告诉你，因为总得说给什么人听的。我已经给天上的天使说过了，还得给人间的天使说一说。你是人间的天使。你听完了会作出评判，你会宽恕我的……而我就是要让高尚的人宽恕我。听我说，要是两个人突然想挣脱尘世的一切，飞向一个不平常的地方，至少两人中间有一个是这样，而他在离开或者毁灭之前去对另一个人说：请你替我做一件事，这种事情是任何时候也绝不会求任何人做的，只有在临死之前才可以提出这样的请求，那个人如果是朋友，是兄弟，难道他会不去做吗？……” “我会做的。但是你得告诉我是怎么回事，快说。”阿廖沙说。 “快说……嗯，别着急，阿廖沙。我看你心里是又着急又慌张。现在不必那么着急。现在世道变了。唉，阿廖沙，真可惜，你还不理解欢乐！不过，我怎么跟你说这些呢？你怎么会不理解呢！我这傻瓜，还在说什么： “人啊，你应该高尚！ “这是谁的诗句？” 阿廖沙决定等待。他明白，他现在该做的事情也许就是待在这儿。米佳一只胳臂支着桌子，手掌托着脑袋，沉思了片刻。两人都没说话。 “阿廖沙，”米佳说，“只有你一个人不会笑话我！我原来打算开始……我的忏悔……用席勒的《欢乐颂》，《欢乐颂》！但我不懂德文，我只知道《欢乐颂》这几个字，你别以为我是喝醉了说胡话。我一点没醉。白兰地确实是白兰地，我要喝两瓶才醉。 “面孔通红的赛利纳斯， “骑着一头跌跌撞撞的驴子。 “我连四分之一瓶都没喝完，所以也不是赛利纳斯，我不是赛利纳斯，却是条硬汉子，因为我作出了一个决定，而且决不后悔。请原谅我说了句双关语，许多事情今天你都得原谅我，更不用说这句双关语了，你别担心，我不是在瞎说，我说的是正经事，我马上就要转入正题，我不会故意卖关子的。慢着，那首诗是怎么说的……” 他抬起头想了想，突然激昂慷慨地背诵起来： 米佳突然失声痛哭。他紧紧抓住阿廖沙的手。 朋友，朋友，人们至今还处在屈辱中，处在屈辱中啊！人在世界上经受的痛苦实在太多了，遭到的灾难实在太多了！你别以为我只是个衣冠禽兽，只知道喝白兰地和糟蹋女人。兄弟啊，我几乎一直在思考这件事，在思考人们受的屈辱。我说的是真心话。上帝保佑，我没有撒谎，也不是自我吹嘘，我一直想着受屈辱的人，因为我自己就是这种人： 问题在于：我怎样才能与大地结成永久的同盟？我不去亲吻大地，也不会剖开它的胸膛。怎么，难道要我去当农夫或者牧人？我只顾朝前走，却不知道自己走进了污秽和耻辱，还是走进了光明和欢乐。你看糟就糟在这里，因为世界上的一切都是个谜！每当我陷入荒淫无耻的深渊（我尽干这类勾当），我总是读这首咏叹西莉兹女神和人类的诗篇。这首诗能使我改邪归正吗？Absolutely not!因为我是卡拉马佐夫。如果我跌进无底深渊的话，那也是头朝下脚朝天径直掉下去，而且感到心满意足，因为正是在这种屈辱的状态中堕落的，甚至认为这姿势很优美。就在这种耻辱中，我突然唱起颂歌。虽然我可恶，我下流，我卑鄙，但是也得让我亲吻一下我的上帝身上那长袍的衣角。虽然与此同时我追随着魔鬼，但是上帝啊，我毕竟也是你的儿子，上帝啊，我同样爱你，同样感受到欢乐，没有这种欢乐，世界也就无法存在，难以支持。 “不用再背诗句了！我已经热泪盈眶，你就让我哭个痛快吧。虽然这很愚蠢，大家会笑话我，可你是不会笑话我的。你瞧，你的眼睛也在燃烧。没有必要再背诵诗句了。现在我想跟你说说'虫豸'的事，就是上帝赋予了情欲的那些'虫豸'。” 上帝赋予虫豸以情欲！ “兄弟，我就是这样的一条虫子。这句话是专门针对我说的。我们卡拉马佐夫家的人都是这样的虫，连你这天使身上也有着这样的虫，而且在你的血液中掀起风暴。的确是风暴，因为情欲本身就是风暴，甚至比风暴还厉害。美是一种非常可怕的东西。说它可怕，是因为无法捉摸，说它无法捉摸，是因为上帝设下的都是些谜。这里，两条对立的河岸可以合拢，各种矛盾可以同时并存。兄弟，我才疏学浅，可对这个问题想得很多。神秘的东西实在太多了！许许多多的谜压得全世界的人都喘不过气来。你尽管去解开这些谜吧，看你能不能做到出污泥而不染。唉，美啊！我最不忍心看到一个心灵高尚、头脑聪明的人，以圣母玛丽亚的理想开始，却又以所多玛城的理想告终。更可怕的是，有人心里怀着所多玛的理想，却又不否定圣母玛丽亚的理想，这理想甚至使他的心灵燃烧，真的燃烧，就像在天真无邪的青年时代那样真正地燃烧。是的，人是复杂的，太复杂了，我真想让他简单些。鬼知道是怎么回事！理智认为是可耻的，感情却觉得是美好的。难道美在所多玛城吗？你得相信，对于绝大部分人来说，美就在所多玛城——你知不知道这个秘密？可怕的是，美不仅是种可怕的东西，又是一种神秘莫测的东西。这里，魔鬼与上帝在进行搏斗，而搏斗的战场便是人心。可是话又要说回来，谁身上有什么毛病，谁就忍不住偏要说它。你听着，现在我就要转入正题了。” “我这个人的确荒唐。刚才父亲说我为了勾引女人，往往一掷就是几千卢布。这完全是卑鄙的捏造，根本没那回事。其实，干'那种事'根本就不用花钱。我的钱是舞台上的布景和道具，是心灵的火焰，是一种氛围。今天她是我的意中人，明天就有一名街头妓女来顶替她的位置。不管是哪一个，我都尽量让她们开心。我大把大把花钱，听音乐，雇茨冈女郎，唱歌跳舞，热闹得很。需要的时候，我也给她们钱，因为她们也要钱，拼命要钱，这一点应该承认，她们收了钱很满意，很感激。太太们也爱我，当然并非所有的太太，但常常有这样的情形。可是我始终喜欢小胡同，偏僻阴暗的小巷，在广场后面——那里有奇遇，有料想不到的事情，那里有落在污泥中的璞玉。兄弟，我这是譬喻。我们城里没有这种有形的小胡同，但精神上的无形的小胡同是存在的。假如你是我，那你就会明白这样的小胡同是指什么。我喜欢淫荡，也喜欢淫荡带来的耻辱。我喜欢残忍；难道我不是臭虫，不是一条凶恶的虫吗？早已有言在先——我是卡拉玛佐夫家的人嘛！有一次，我们很多人分乘七辆马车去郊外野餐，那时候是冬天，我在雪橇上趁着黑暗握住身边一位小妞的手，硬跟她接吻，那小妞是位官员的女儿，既可怜又可爱，既温柔又驯顺，在黑暗中她听任我摆布，听任我做出许多放肆的举动。那可怜的小妞还以为我第二天会去向她求婚呢（当初大家都把我看作理想的未婚夫）。可是打那以后我再也没跟她说过一句话，整整五个月连半句话也没说过。跳舞的时候（我们那儿经常举行舞会）我发现她那双眼睛从大厅的角落里死死盯着我，我看到那双眼睛在喷射火星——温和的愤怒的火星。这种恶作剧只是逗引一下盘踞在我内心的那条毒虫的情欲罢了。五个月之后，她嫁给了一位官员并且离开了那个地方……她恨我，也许还爱着我。现在他们的生活幸福美满。请注意，这件事我没有告诉过任何人，也没有说过她一句坏话，虽然我的欲望卑下，也喜欢下流的事，可我这个人还讲点人格。瞧，你脸红了，眼睛也发亮了。这点丑事你就受不了啦，这算不上什么，保罗·柯克的故事才开了个头，现在那条毒虫已经长大，已经占据了我的全部灵魂。兄弟，这类事情回想起来多得数也数不清。但愿上帝保佑这些可爱的女人身体健康。我跟她们断绝关系的时候不喜欢吵吵嚷嚷。我从来没有出卖过谁，从来没有说过有损她们名誉的话。好了，我不说这些了。难道你以为我把你叫来仅仅是为了讲这些丑事吗？不，我要告诉你的事情比这还有趣呢。但是你不要因为我跟你讲这些事情不但不以为耻，反以为荣而感到奇怪。 " “你看到我脸红才这样说的吧，”阿廖沙突然说，“我脸红并不是因为你说了那些话，也不是因为你做了那些事，而是因为我跟你完全一模一样。” “你？你说得也太过分了。” “不，不过分。”阿廖沙激动地说（这个想法他早已有之）。“我们都处在同一座阶梯上，我在最下面一层，而你在上面，大约在十三层吧。我就是这么看的。实际上是一回事，完全一样。谁跨上了最低一层，结果总要登上最高一层的。” “也许根本就不必跨上去？” “谁有能耐，就完全可以不跨上去。” “那你行吗？” “看来不行。” “别说了，阿廖沙，别说了，亲爱的。我听了大受感动，真想吻吻你的手。格鲁申卡这调皮鬼很会揣摩人，有一次她对我说，迟早她要把你给吃了。我不说了，不说了！让我们从这些肮脏的事，从苍蝇成堆的地方转到我的悲剧上，转到同样苍蝇成堆而且充满卑鄙龌龊的地方。事情是这样的，老头子胡说什么我勾引了良家妇女，其实，在我的悲剧里，也确有其事，尽管只有一次，而且没有成功。老头子捏造事实指责我，可这件事他根本不知道。我从来没跟谁说过，现在我首先告诉你，当然伊凡是例外，他什么都知道。他比你早知道，不过伊凡守口如瓶。” “伊凡会守口如瓶？” "yes." 阿廖沙听得十分仔细。 “一位新少校突然来接任营长职务。正当他办理接收手续的时候，原来的中校突然病得不能行动了，在家里躺了两天两夜，没有交出那笔公款。我们的军医克拉夫钦说他真的有病。但是我从秘密渠道得到消息，而且早就知道，每当上司查过账目之后，这笔公款就会暂时消失一阵子，这种情况已经连续出现了整整四年。中校把这笔钱借给一个极其可靠的商人，戴金丝眼镜、留大胡子的老光棍特里丰诺夫。特里丰诺夫把这笔钱拿到集市上周转一次，然后马上如数归还给中校，同时从集市给他带一些礼物回来，礼物再加上利息。不过这一次特里丰诺夫从集市回来以后一分钱也没有归还。（这件事情我完全是偶然从特里丰诺夫的儿子那儿听说的，他那个儿子和继承人还是个流口水的半大孩子，可已经荒淫到极点。）中校马上赶到他家里，可得到的回答是：'我从来没有拿过您一分钱，而且也不可能拿到。'这样一来，我们的中校只能躲在家里，他用毛巾包住自己的脑袋，她们三个女人在他额头上敷上冰块。突然，传令兵带着签收簿送来一道命令：'务必在两小时内交出公款。'他签完字（他的签名后来我在签收簿上看到过），站起来推说要去换军服，便迅速跑出自己的卧室，取出自己那支双筒猎枪，装上了弹药，把一颗军用子弹推上膛，脱掉右脚的靴子，用枪口顶住自己的胸膛，开始用脚趾扣动扳机。阿加菲娅记着我当初说的那些话，她早已有了怀疑。她悄悄地走过去，恰巧发现了这个情况，于是一下子冲进去，从后面抱住他。子弹飞向天花板，谁也没有伤着。其余的人也跑进来拉住他，夺过猎枪，按住他的手……这件事情的详细情况我是后来才知道的。当时我在家里，已经是傍晚了，我原来就打算出门，因此换上了衣服，梳好了头发，往手帕上洒了香水，刚拿起军帽，门突然开了——卡捷琳娜·伊凡诺芙娜出现在我面前，来到了我的住所。” “也真有这样的怪事：当时街上没有人发现她悄悄溜到了我这儿，因此城里的人对此一无所知。我的房东是两位令人尊敬的、丈夫都当过官的老太太。她们还负责伺候我，对我言听计从。按照我的吩咐，她们俩事后没露过一点儿风声。不用说，当时我一下子全明白了。她走进来，直愣愣地看着我，一双乌黑的眼睛射出果断甚至无畏的目光，可是我看到她唇边嘴角却透着犹豫和疑惑。” “'姐姐告诉我，您能借四千五百卢布，条件是必须由我来取……亲自到您这儿来。现在我来了……请给钱吧！……'她再也控制不住自己，喘着粗气，紧张得连话都说不出来。嘴角和嘴唇都在哆嗦。阿廖沙，你在听我说还是睡着了？” “米佳，我知道你会说出全部实情的。”阿廖沙激动地说。 “我就是要把全部实情告诉你。要说就把事情原原本本说出来，决不怜惜自己。当时的第一个念头就是卡拉马佐夫式的。兄弟，有一次我被蜈蚣咬了一口，害得我躺在床上发了整整两个星期的烧。你瞧，这一次我的心突然被蜈蚣咬了一口，那蜈蚣可毒得很，你明白我的意思吗？我打量了她一下，你见过她没有？她长得真美！可当时她的美并不在于外表。在那一刻，她的美在于她的高尚，而我却是个无赖。她甘愿为父亲慷慨牺牲而显得伟大，而我不过是只臭虫。现在，她整个儿都得受我这臭虫和无赖支配，由我支配她的一切，包括她的灵魂和肉体。她算彻底完了。我坦率告诉你，这个念头，蜈蚣的念头，牢牢地攫住了我的心，使我这颗心难受得都快要碎了。看来，不可能有半点犹豫了，只能像臭虫，像毒蜘蛛那样行事，心狠手辣，不讲任何怜悯……我紧张得简直连气都喘不过来。你要知道，我虽然可以第二天就去向她求婚，用那种所谓的最体面的方式圆满解决，那样的话，任何人不知道也不可能知道这件事。因为我这个人虽然心地肮脏，但还算老实。在这一刹那间，好像有人凑到我耳边悄悄说：等到明天您去求婚的时候，这种女人根本不会出来见您，她会吩咐马车夫把您轰出去。这等于说：'随你到全城造谣中伤，我才不怕你呢？'我看了这位姑娘一眼，心想刚才那个人说得不错。当然，肯定会出现那种情况，肯定会架着脖子把你赶出来。这从现在她的面部表情就可以断定。这时候我心里涌起一股恶意，突然想起要耍一个极其卑鄙、无耻、奸商式的手腕：先嘲弄地看她一眼，然后趁她还站在你面前，马上用那种奸商才使用的腔调吓唬她。” “'这可是四千五百卢布啊！那是我说着玩的，您怎么当真了？小姐，您也太容易轻信了。二百卢布吗，我也许可以借给您，甚至还很乐意、很高兴借给您。至于四千五百卢布，小姐，那不是一笔小数目，不能随随便便扔出去。您白跑了一趟。'” “你瞧，这样一来，她会跑掉，我的算计就会全部落空，但是报复的目的达到了，这比什么都值得。也许要后悔一辈子，但现在可以痛痛快快地耍弄她！你信不信，我还从来没有对哪一个女人像当初那样一刹那间怀着那么强烈的仇恨！——我可以对天发誓：当时我怀着极大的仇恨看了她三秒钟或者五秒钟，从这种恨到爱，到最疯狂的爱，这中间只隔着一根头发丝！我走到窗前，把额头贴在结了冰的玻璃上，我记得，冰凉的玻璃像火一样燃灼着我的额头。不过你别着急，我没有在那儿停留太久。我转过身，走到桌子旁，打开抽屉，取出一张面额五千卢布，利息五厘的不记名票据（夹在我的一本法文词典中）。我默默地给她看了一下，然后折好，交给她，亲自替她打开通往外间的门，又后退一步，毕恭毕敬、真心诚意地向她深深鞠了个躬。你得相信，我真的这样做了！她浑身哆嗦了一下，目不转睛地看了我一秒钟，脸色白得像桌布。她默默地、不慌不忙地、动作轻盈地跪在我脚下——额头碰到地面，不像女学生那样，完全按俄罗斯的方式！接着又突然站起来跑了。等她出去以后，我拔出身上的剑，真想立即自杀。为什么——我自己也不知道，当然是极愚蠢的想法，不过也许是出于狂喜。你知道吗，有时候狂喜会导致自杀。但我没有自杀，只是吻了吻剑，然后重新把它插入剑鞘——这件事本来不必跟你提起，就连刚才讲到的那些心灵冲突也不必跟你提的，我为了炫耀自己，大概也有点夸大了。但是不去管它，所有窥视人心的家伙统统见鬼去吧！这就是我跟卡捷琳娜·伊凡诺芙娜的一件'往事'，这件事现在只有伊凡弟弟知道，还有你，只有你们俩知道！” 德米特里·费奥多罗维奇站起来，激动不安地向前跨了几步，掏出手帕，擦了擦额头上的汗，接着又坐了下去，但没有坐到原来的位置上，而是坐到对面靠墙的长椅上，阿廖沙不得不转过身体对着他。 “现在，”阿廖沙说，“这件事情的前半段我已经知道了。” “前半段你明白了，那是一出正剧，是在那边演的。后半段却是一出悲剧，就要在这里上演了。” “后半段的事情至今我还一点也不明白。”阿廖沙说。 “那么我呢？难道我就明白吗？” “等等，德米特里，这里有句关键的话，你得告诉我：你是未婚夫，现在还是未婚夫吗？” “我没有马上成为未婚夫，而是在这件事情发生之后过了三个月才成了未婚夫。这事件发生之后的第二天，我就对自己说：这件事情到此为止，不会再有下文了。要是去向她求婚，那我觉得这样做太卑鄙了。而她呢，后来又在我们城里住了六个星期，却始终没有跟我通过半点消息。当然有个情况属于例外。她来访后的第二天，她的一名女仆溜到我那儿，一声不响地交给我一封信，信封上写着：某某人收。我打开一看——里面放着五千卢布汇票兑现后剩下的余款。她总共需要四千五百卢布，那张五千卢布汇票兑换时损失二百多卢布。她给我送回来二百六十卢布，大约是这个数，我记不清楚了，而且只有这笔钱，没有附条，没有只言片语，没有任何说明。我在信封上寻找有没有铅笔做的记号——什么也没有！这样也好，我暂时就用这些剩下的钱纵酒作乐，闹得新上任的少校最后不得不把我训斥了一顿。至于中校呢，他顺顺当当地交出了这笔公款，这使大家都觉得意外，因为谁都没有料想到他那笔钱居然分文不少。他把钱交出来以后就一病不起，在床上躺了三四个星期，后来又突然得了大脑软化病，五天后就死了。葬礼是按军人礼节进行的，因为他还没有来得及收到退职通知。卡捷琳娜·伊凡诺芙娜、她姐姐和姨妈在父亲葬礼过后十多天便出发到莫斯科去了。直到她们离开前夕，就在她们离开的那一天（我没有见过她们，也没有去送她们）我才收到一封小小的蓝色的信，一张带花纹的小纸条，上面只有一行铅笔字：'我将给您写信，请您等着。卡。'就这些。” “现在我三言两语给你说明一下。到了莫斯科，她们的情况变得像闪电那么快，像阿拉伯神话那样出人意料。那位将军夫人，她的主要亲戚，一下子失去了两位最亲近的继承人，两个最亲近的侄女——姐妹俩在一个星期之内都被天花夺去了生命。深受打击的老人见到了卡佳喜欢得就像见到了亲生女儿，盼到了救星似的，连忙拉住她，修改遗嘱，指定她为继承人，不过那是后来的事情，而当时一下子就给了她八万现款，说这是给她做陪嫁的，她爱怎么花就怎么花。那是个歇斯底里的女人，后来我在莫斯科对她进行了观察。你瞧，那时候我突然收到了从邮局汇来的四千五百卢布，当然感到不可思议，惊讶得目瞪口呆。三天之后，我收到了她答应给我的信。这封信现在就在我这儿，我一直把它带在身边，到死也要带着它——要不要我给你看？你一定要读一读：她提出要做我的未婚妻，是她主动表示的。'我爱您，'她说，'爱到发疯的程度，即使您不爱我，——那也无所谓，只要您做我的丈夫就行。您不必害怕——我决不会使您受到任何拘束，我愿意成为您的家具，成为供您踩踏的地毯……我要永远爱您，我要让您彻底改变自己……'阿廖沙，我甚至不配用我卑鄙的语言，用我那种永远无法改变的卑鄙的腔调来转述这几行文字！这封信直到今天还深深刺痛着我的心，难道我现在心里好受吗？难道我今天心里好受吗？当时我立即给她回了封信——我实在无法亲自到莫斯科去。那封信我是用眼泪写的。只有一件事使我永远感到惭愧，就是我提到她现在有钱了，有一笔陪嫁，而我却是个大老粗，穷光蛋——我居然提到了钱的事！本来应该避而不谈的，可不知道怎么糊里糊涂就说上了。当时我还立即给莫斯科的伊凡写了封信，把事情的来龙去脉尽可能地向他说了，一共写了六张纸，还让伊凡到她那儿去。你干吗这样看着我？是的，伊凡爱上了她，现在还爱着她，这我知道，在你们这些上流人物看来，我做了一件蠢事，不过也许这件蠢事现在还能拯救我们大家呢！唉！难道你没见她是多么敬重他，多么佩服他吗？难道她把我们俩比较之后，尤其是这里发生了这些事情之后，还能爱我这样的人吗？” “可我坚信她爱的就是你这样的人，而不是他那样的人。” “她所爱的是自己高尚的品德，而不是我。”德米特里·费奥多罗维奇情不自禁地、几乎恶狠狠地脱口而出，说着他笑了起来，可在一刹那间，他的眼睛里闪过一道亮光，脸涨得通红，还用拳头狠狠砸了一下桌子。 “我发誓，阿廖沙，”他大声说道，他打心底里痛恨自己。“信不信由你，这事就跟上帝神圣、基督是神一样不容怀疑，我敢发誓，我刚才虽然嘲笑她的高尚感情，可我明白，我的灵魂比她要卑贱一百万倍，她那些高尚的感情像天使般纯洁！悲剧就在于我对这一点知道得十分清楚。一个人稍稍卖弄一下又有什么关系呢？难道我就没有卖弄过吗？要知道我是真诚的，十分真诚的。至于伊凡，那我也能理解，像他那样的聪明人现在该会怎样地诅咒造化了！什么人给选中了？选中的是个恶棍。这个恶棍已经是未婚夫了，居然在众目睽睽之下还无法收敛自己的荒唐行为——而这些荒唐事又是在未婚妻的眼皮子底下干的！你看，像我这样的人给选中了，而他却被淘汰了。这究竟是为什么呢？就是因为这位姑娘出于报恩，情愿强行改变自己的生活和命运！真荒唐！这一层意思我还从来没有跟伊凡说过，当然，他也从来没有跟我提过半句，连小小的暗示都没有。但是命中注定的事情一定会出现。当之无愧的人最终会得到应有的位置，受之有愧的人最后会永远躲进小胡同——那个他十分钟爱、十分习惯的肮脏小胡同，然后就在污秽和臭气中，心甘情愿、高高兴兴地结束自己的生命。我好像在胡说，尽说废话，好像在信口开河，但事情肯定会像我说的那样。我将在小胡同里沉沦，而她会嫁给伊凡。” “哥哥，你停一下。”阿廖沙惴惴不安地再次打断他。“有一个情况你到现在还没有向我解释清楚，要知道你是她的未婚夫，不管怎么说你总还是她的未婚夫吧？既然你的未婚妻不愿意，你怎么能跟她断绝关系呢？” “我是她的未婚夫，受过祝福的名正言顺的未婚夫。这一切都是在莫斯科办的，我到了那里以后就举行了隆重的仪式，还动用了圣像，搞得挺体面。将军夫人为我们祝福，你信不信，她甚至