Chapter 3 two

Guys, now I'm going to tell you (whether you want to hear it or not) why I don't even turn into a bug.I want to tell you for the record that there were many times when I wanted to be a bedbug.But even that couldn't be done.Guys, I swear to you, there's so much to realize—and it's a sickness, a real, downright sickness.It is enough for a man to have ordinary common sense in his daily life, that is, to have a well-thought-out man of our unfortunate nineteenth century (and, besides, it is especially unfortunate that he lives in Petersburg, a place on the whole of the earth. A half or a quarter of the share of the most abstract and premeditated cities in the world—with premeditated and unpremeditated ones—will suffice.For example, all those so-called no-brainers of action—their common sense is quite enough for us.I bet you think I'm writing this out of affectation, for wit and sarcasm of men of action, and also out of a poor affectation of rattling sabers, like the officer I mentioned .But, gentlemen, who brags about his disease and shows it off?

But how old am I? —everyone is doing all this, even the disease is boasted about, and I may be worse than them.We have no intention of arguing; my rebuttal is absurd.But I still firmly believe that not only too much consciousness, but any consciousness is a disease.I stand by this view.Let's leave this topic aside for now.Please tell me first: why then, yes, then, when I am most aware of all the subtleties of all the "beauties and sublime" as we used to say, did this happen? What about the situation, that is, instead of being conscious, I am doing such unrefined things? ...Yeah, after one sentence, although, maybe, everyone is doing these things, but why do I want to do this kind of thing when I most clearly realize that I shouldn't do it at all?The more I realize goodness and all this "beauty and sublime," the deeper I sink into my own quagmire from which I cannot extricate myself.But the point is that everything about me doesn't seem to happen by accident, it seems like it should be.It seems that this is the most normal state of me, and it is definitely not a disease, nor is it possessed by evil spirits, so I am too lazy to fight against such evil things in the end.In the end, I came close to believing (maybe, I did) that this might just be my normal state.But at first, in the beginning, how much I suffered, how much I suffered in this struggle!I don't believe that other people will do the same, so I have always kept this as a secret in my heart, and I have hidden it for a lifetime.I was ashamed (perhaps, even now); so that it developed to such a state that often, on some terrible Petersburg night, I returned to my shelter with a strong awareness that, look, I did another nasty thing today, and once I did it, it couldn't be undone—and then I felt a hidden, abnormal, base, great pleasure, but inside, the secret He will bite himself for it with his teeth again, biting, sawing, and torturing himself slowly, so that at last the pain becomes a shameful and accursed sweetness, and at last it becomes a palpable Great fun!Yes, become fun, become fun!I stand by this view.I say this because I want to know: Do other people often have this kind of fun?What I want to show you is this: the pleasure comes from a very clear awareness of your own depravity; it comes from your own feeling that you have reached the last wall; it is bad, but there is no other way; You have no way out, and you will never be another kind of person; even if you have some time and confidence left to change into another kind of person, you probably don't want to change yourself; , because in fact, it might not be possible to transform anything.And the main and final point is that all this happens according to the normal and basic laws of strong consciousness and the inertia directly generated by these laws, so here you not only will not change your course, but you will simply be helpless.The result is, for example, the strong awareness: Yes, I am a mean man, and since he himself feels that he is really a mean man, it seems to be a consolation to the mean man.But that's enough... Well, a lot of nonsense, but what have I explained... What can be used to explain this intense pleasure?But I want to explain!If you don't do anything, just talk to the end!That's why I picked up my pen...

For example, I am very face-saving.I'm suspicious and cranky like a hunchback or a dwarf, but, really, there are times when I'm even entertained if someone slaps me in the face.Seriously: probably I can find a special kind of pleasure here, of course, the joy of despair, but there is often a very strong pleasure in despair, especially when you realize very strongly that you are at the end of your rope when.And get slapped—and you realize, painfully, that you're not human, you're snot.The main thing is that, after thinking about it and thinking about it, it still turns out that everything is my fault, I am always the culprit, and the most annoying thing is that, so to speak, according to the laws of nature, I am always an innocent sinner.I am guilty first of all because I am smarter than everyone around me. (I often think I'm smarter than everyone around me, and sometimes, believe it or not, I'm even ashamed of it. At least, I've spent my life looking away somehow, never daring to look anyone in the eye).In the end, I am guilty because, in spite of all the magnanimity in me, this magnanimity is useless and harmful, and the awareness of this makes me suffer more.You know, if I were magnanimous, I probably could do nothing: neither forgive (because the person who insulted me may beat me according to the laws of nature, and the laws of nature cannot be forgiven), nor forget (because Although forgetting is also a natural law, it is irritating after all).Finally, even if I wanted to be not magnanimous at all, but on the contrary, to avenge the man who had wronged me, I am afraid I could not avenge anyone in any way, since I probably could not make up my mind what I would really do, even if I could Do it.Why can't you make up your mind?On this point, I would like to say a few words separately.