Chapter 2 one

I am a sick person... I am a malevolent person.I am a humble person.I think my liver is sick.But I don't know anything about my disease, or even what disease I have.I don't go to a doctor and never have, although I have a lot of respect for medicine and doctors.Besides, I am extremely superstitious; well, so superstitious that I respect medicine. (I'm well educated, by no means superstitious, but I'm superstitious anyway.) No, you, I don't want to go to the doctor out of malice.You probably don't understand what this means.But, I understand.Of course, I can't tell you exactly who I'm hurting with this malice; I know very well that I don't do them any harm if I don't go to the doctor; I know better than anyone that I can only hurt myself by doing so. health without harming anyone.But the reason why I don't go to see a doctor is, after all, out of malice.If the liver hurts, let it heal, let it hurt even more!

I lived like this a long time ago—probably twenty years.Now I am forty years old.I used to work in the government office, but now I have retired with a crown.I was once a vicious official.I am rough with people and take pleasure in it.You know, I don't accept bribes. In fact, I should accept bribes to reward myself. (Bad jest; but I won't cut it out. I wrote it because I thought it must be a jest; but now I see for myself that I'm just trying to show off in a hideous way— I didn't delete it on purpose!) When someone comes to me for a pass and walks up to the desk I'm sitting at - I hate them so much, I feel like it's a big deal if I can make someone feel bad enjoy.I can do this almost always.Most of these people are timid people; of course, because they ask me for something.But there were some pretentious ones, and among them, I couldn't stand an officer in particular.He refused to humble himself at all, but rattled his saber in a most repulsive way.I have been fighting with him for a year and a half for this saber.I finally subdued him.But guys, do you know what I'm most annoyed about?The thing that annoys me the most, and the thing that disgusts me the most, is that even when I'm most annoyed, there's a shameful moment in me that I'm not only not a vicious person, I'm not even a vindictive person, I'm It will only scare the sparrows in vain and chat for self-entertainment.When I'm so angry, you just need to bring me a doll and a cup of sugar tea, and maybe my anger will disappear.I might even be moved from the bottom of my heart, even though in the future I will probably gnash my teeth with hatred for myself and be too ashamed to sleep for months.That's how I am.

I said just now that I was an official with a vicious heart, which is wronging myself.Because I am angry.I'm just messing around and making fun of people who come to me and that officer, but I'm never going to be a vicious person.I am aware all the time that there are many, many opposing factors in me.I felt these opposing factors constantly stirring within me.I know that these opposing factors have been stirring in my heart all my life, trying to show them, but I don't let them come out, I just don't let them show up.They tormented me, made me ashamed; made me feel like a convulsion—and finally bored me, bored me to death!Ladies and gentlemen, do you feel that I seem to be confessing to you now and asking for your forgiveness? ...I believe that you must think so...However, I want to tell you that even if you think so, I don't care...

Not only would I not be a malevolent person, I would not even be anyone: neither bad nor good, nor villain nor gentleman, nor hero nor bug.Now, here I am, here I am, for the rest of my life, angrily and vainly laughing at myself: wise men never become anything seriously, only fools become this and that.Yes, you, the wise man of the nineteenth century should and must morally be a mostly characterless man; a man of character, an activist—mostly a man of limited intelligence.This is a belief I have formed over forty years of experience.I am now forty years old, you know, forty years old-this is the whole life; you know, this is already the dying years, and it is not good to live beyond the age of forty, it is despicable and immoral!Who can live past forty? ——You speak the truth and answer honestly!I tell you who lives past forty: fools and villains.I want to tell this to all the old people face to face, tell all those old people with high morals, tell all those old people with white hair, youthful face and hale and hearty spirit!I'm going to tell the world this to my face!I am entitled to this because I myself will live to be sixty.Live to be seventy!Live to be eighty! ... wait a minute!Let me take a breath first...

You guys probably thought I was trying to make you laugh?This is wrong.I'm by no means a very jovial person as you think, or as you might think; but if you're interested in this nonsense of mine (and I feel you are), think Ask me: Who am I? ——Then I can answer you: I am an eighth-rank civil servant.The reason why I work in the government office is purely to make a living (but only for this purpose). When a distant relative of mine made a will of 6,000 rubles to me last year, I immediately applied for resignation and lived in my own corner , Started an apartment.I used to live in this corner, and now I live in this corner.My room was bad, terrible, on the side of town.My maid is an old woman from the countryside, old, fierce and stupid, and she often stinks.I was told that the Petersburg climate was unhealthy for me, and that living in Petersburg was too expensive for my meager means.I know all this better than all the experienced and brilliant counselors and bobbleheads.But I remain in Petersburg; I will never leave Petersburg!The reason why I don't leave... Alas!Whether I leave or not, isn't it exactly the same?

But then again: what's a decent man's favorite thing to talk about? Answer: Talk about yourself. Then let me talk about myself too.