Chapter 6 avoid people

The third type of basic conflict is the need to be solitary, the avoidance of others.Everyone who takes life and himself seriously has an occasional need to be alone, longing for a meaningful loneliness, which is by no means a manifestation of neurosis.On the contrary, most neurotics dare not go deep into their own souls, and lose the ability to enjoy constructive solitude, which is the very sign of neurosis.The desire to be alone is neurotic only when an intolerable tension arises in one's relations with others, and solitude is primarily intended to avoid this tension. The most obvious of the self-isolating traits is a general alienation from others.The patient stresses this point a lot, but in reality his alienation is no more severe than that of other types of patients.Of the two types discussed above, it is difficult to say in general terms which is more alienating.We can only say that this characteristic is concealed in the submissive type, and the patient is terrified to find himself alienating others, because his urge to be close to others makes him eager to believe that there is no gulf between himself and others.Taking a step back, alienation from people is just a sign of a dysfunctional relationship.This is true of any neurosis.The degree of estrangement depends mainly on the severity of the relationship disorder, not on the type of neurosis.

Another feature unique to the lonely type is the alienation of the self, that is, emotional numbness, ignorance of what one is, loves, hates, wants, thinks, fears, resents, and believes. , but this self-estrangement is also common to all neuroses.The self-isolating person is a lot like the mythical revenant.They work and live like living people, but they have no life.And other types of patients can have a richer emotional life.Since there is such variety, we cannot but think that self-estrangement belongs only to the lonely type.Another characteristic that all outliers have in common is that they are able to observe themselves with an objective interest, as one looks at a work of art.They are on the sidelines about themselves, as they are about life in general.As such, they are often excellent observers of their own inner conflicts.A striking example of this is that they often display a mystical understanding of the symbols in dreams.

Most crucial is their inner need to maintain an emotional distance between themselves and others.More precisely, they make decisions, both conscious and unconscious, not to be emotionally related to others in any way, whether in love, fighting, cooperating, or competing.They seem to have drawn a magic circle around themselves, and no one can enter.That's why on the surface they can still get along with people.When the outside world intrudes into his circle, he is anxious, which is the compulsive expression of his needs. Their needs and qualities all serve one main purpose: non-intrusion.One of the most striking characteristics is the need for self-reliance.A clear manifestation of this need is resourcefulness.Aggression may also appear to be resourceful, but the ethos is different.In the aggressive type, this spirit is a prerequisite for him to fight against the hostile world and defeat others; in the self-isolated type, this spirit seems to be Robinson Crusoe: in order to survive he has to be talented, which is The only way he can compensate for his isolation.

A much more irresistible way to maintain self-reliance is to limit your own needs, consciously or unconsciously.To better understand the various motives in this regard, we need only remember this: the underlying principle of the patient is never to show closeness to anyone or anything in case that person or thing becomes indispensable.Otherwise, his principle of self-isolation would be violated.It's better not to care about others.For example, a self-isolated person can still feel true happiness, but this happiness cannot be separated from others, and he would rather give it up.He can enjoy occasional evenings with a few friends, but generally dislikes human contact and socializing.Likewise, he avoids competition, fame, and success, and he often restricts his eating and drinking habits so that he will not spend too much time and energy to earn what he has to pay.He resented the disease very much, considering it a humiliation, because it made him dependent on others.He may insist on first-hand knowledge of everything, rather than getting information from what other people say or write;Of course, as long as this attitude does not develop to the point of absurdity, it still contributes to the formation of valuable personal independence.

The self-isolated type also has a special need-to keep personal privacy.He was like some hotel guest who always had a Do Not Disturb sign on the door.Even books and magazines are regarded by him as outsiders.Any question about his personal life appalled him, and he always tried to wrap himself in private secrecy.A self-isolating person can become annoyed if he is not seen as special, because it makes him feel that his "uniqueness" cannot be taken away.In fact, he would rather be alone when he works, sleeps, eats and drinks.In stark contrast to the submissive type, he does not want to share his experience with others, for fear that others will disturb him.Even when he was listening to music, taking a walk, or talking to someone, his real pleasure came later, not in the moment.

Both self-reliance and privacy serve his most prominent need—absolute independence.He himself sees this independence as a positive thing.There is of course some value in this independence, for however impotent he may be, he is by no means a robot at the mercy of others.His blind refusal to agree with others, and his aloofness and refusal to intervene in competition, did endow him with a certain image of integrity.His mistake here is that he sees independence as an end in itself, forgetting the fact that its value ultimately depends on what it helps him do.His independence is only one part of his whole manifestation of alienation; the purpose of this alienation is negative, that is, to go his own way, without compulsion, bondage, obligation.

Like other kinds of neurotic tendencies, the need for independence is compulsive and blind.Its manifestation is: the patient is hypersensitive to anything slightly resembling compulsion, influence, obligation, etc., and the degree of sensitivity is a measure of the tendency of self-isolation.Different patients feel different restrictions. Physical restrictions, such as collars, belts, shoes and socks, may be felt as pressure.Any obstruction to the line of sight makes the patient feel confinement; living in a tunnel or mine can also cause anxiety.The patient avoids long-term obligations as much as possible: if he is asked to sign a contract or contract, as long as it exceeds a one-year period, he will be timid and difficult; it is even more difficult and hesitant to ask him to decide on a major marriage.Marriage is in any case a dangerous move for the solitary, because it would necessarily involve him in human intimacy; risk may be mitigated.It is often seen that patients appear panicked before deciding to marry.The relentless inevitability of time made him feel compelled, and he managed to get to work five minutes late in order to maintain an illusion of freedom.Things like the schedule only pose a threat to him.If other people expect him to do something or act in a certain way, he will feel unhappy and disgusted, regardless of whether this expectation is actually expressed by others or just felt by himself.He may give gifts on a regular basis, but may forget birthday presents or Christmas presents because others are expecting them.It is intolerable for him to be consistent with the established code of conduct or traditional values; he may be consistent on the outside to avoid friction, but in his heart he stubbornly rejects all the systems and standards that people are accustomed to.Finally, he will feel dominated by advice or advice given to him by others, and will try his best to resist it, even if it suits him well.Here, too, his resistance is related to a conscious or unconscious desire to frustrate others.

The need for superiority, though found in all neuroses, is more emphasized in this type because it is intrinsically linked with superiority.Perhaps no one can bear the kind of isolation that neither makes one particularly strong and resourceful nor makes one feel alone.This has been verified from clinical experience.When the patient's sense of self-superiority is temporarily shattered (whether by a failure or by an increase in inner conflict), he can no longer bear loneliness, but reaches out desperately for help, in need of warmth and protection.Such fluctuations are not uncommon in his life history.In his teens or early twenties he may have had some lukewarm friendships, but generally lived a rather solitary life and felt more at ease.He often makes up stories about the future, imagining that he will accomplish a great cause in the future.But then those dreams crashed on the rocks of reality.Although he was unquestionably the first in his class in high school, when he encountered strong competition in college, he quit.His first attempts at love fail miserably; or, as he grows older, he realizes that his dreams are unattainable, and his isolation becomes intolerable.Under the action of compulsive drive, he can't help but yearn for others to get close to him, yearn for the opposite sex, and yearn for marriage.As long as someone loves him, he is willing to suffer.When such a patient comes asking for an analytic treatment, despite his manifest manifestations, he does not want the doctor to touch them, all he asks is for the doctor to help him find love of any kind.It is only when he feels himself much stronger than before that he discovers with great relief that he prefers to be alone and likes it.He gave the impression of a relapse and self-isolation.But here's what actually happened: for the first time now he had good and solid reason to admit—even to himself—that he wanted solitude.It was an opportune time for the doctor to initiate treatment for his autism.

The claim to superiority of the self-isolating person is of a definite nature.Because of his fear of competition, he doesn't actually try to work tirelessly to excel.On the contrary, he feels that others should see his noble qualities at a glance, and he does not need to work hard on himself; his potential advantages should be felt by others, and he does not need to show them intentionally. Another manifestation of his sense of superiority is what he considers to be "uniqueness," which arises directly from his desire to be "different."He may compare himself to a tree high above the mountain, while the growth of the trees in the jungle at the foot of the mountain is mutually hindered.In addition, if it is said that the submissive type will have this question in mind for the partner: Will he like me?The aggressive type wants to know: What is the strength of this opponent? ——Then the isolation type is most concerned about: "Will he interfere with my affairs? Does he want to exert influence on me, or does he want me to be left alone without interference?" He feels as if he is a precious oriental rug, designed Unique, patterns and colors are also unique in the world, never change.He was especially proud of having resisted the obliterating influence of circumstances, and was determined to continue resisting.A fondness for the "unchanged" led him to venerate as a sacred principle the rigidity inherent in all neuroses.He is eager to expand his pattern, to make it purer and more vivid.He rejects any outside intervention.

The emotional lives of self-isolated people do not follow the more consistent patterns of other types of people.Individual variability among different patients is large.The reason is that the first two main tendencies are for affirmative ends—the pursuit of affection, intimacy, love or survival, domination, success—while the self-isolating type pursues negative ones; Influence.His emotional state is therefore dependent on specific desires to survive and develop within this negative framework. Patients show a general tendency to suppress all emotions, or even deny the existence of emotions. "Emotions don't exist, and people lie about having them, as they do about a lot of things." "Self-sacrifice is also a lie, if not a lie, then a physical or spiritual act." "I dreamed Dreaming of living a celibate life, never marrying, dreaming of being strong, peaceful, silent, and undemanding. I want a personal struggle, a greater freedom, no more dreams, but a sane life. I think morality is meaningless; As long as it is true, what does it matter? Begging for sympathy and hoping for external help is a great sin. The heart is like a temple to me, and it must be guarded strictly, and there are always strange rituals going on inside. The monks, the guardians of this holy temple, can know what is there."

Rejection of affection primarily concerns the affections of others, seen in love and hate, which are the corollary of wanting to remain affectionate with others; for the conscious experience of strong feelings of love and hatred only brings one closer to others, or conflict with others.But that does not mean that, outside of human relations, emotion is repressed, so that it is active in interests in books, animals, nature, art, eating and drinking.In addition, early denial of affection is necessary to achieve isolation later. There is another reason for emotional repression outside of relationships.Any desire, interest, or pleasure that might make the isolated person dependent is regarded as a betrayal of himself and suppressed.It seemed to the patient that the situation needed to be carefully analyzed before allowing the expression of affection, lest he might lose his precious freedom, and that any threat to his independence only prompted him to close the door of affection even more tightly.But when he finds that the situation is harmless to his freedom, he will gladly throw himself into it.The patient is so afraid of pleasure and of being restricted in his freedom that he sometimes becomes almost an ascetic.But this is a special kind of asceticism, not aimed at self-denial or self-torture.We'd better call it self-limitation.If we admit his theoretical premise, it is not lacking in wisdom. Spontaneous emotional experience should have his place in us, which is extremely important for maintaining psychological balance. For example, creative talent may be a means of salvation.If this talent is first repressed and cannot be expressed, and then liberated through analytic therapy or other experiences, it will have a good influence on the patient, and even make people feel that a miracle has taken place in the therapy.However, caution should be exercised in estimating this effect.First, it would be a mistake to generalize the effect produced; it is not necessarily good for a self-isolated patient.Even for the patient himself, the effect cannot be called a cure, strictly speaking, in terms of whether or not the fundamental factors of his neurosis have been altered.It just offered him a more satisfying, less dysfunctional way of life. The more emotion is restrained, the more likely the patient is to stress the importance of reason.His hope is that everything can be solved by the power of rational thinking alone, as if knowing his own problems is enough to cure his own problems; or as if reason alone can solve all the troubles in the world. One point is already clear: any close and lasting relationship necessarily threatens his self-isolation, and thus may have very bad consequences; of course, if the person with whom he associates is also self-isolated, willingly respecting his request for distance; Or, his partner, for some reason, would be willing to accommodate his isolation needs, and so on.It would frighten him if she asked anything of him, just as he would be frightened if he lost control of his feelings.It can be said that he didn't know how little he gave to others, but he thought that he had already given away his unexpressed and unexperienced feelings, and had given her what was extremely precious to him.As long as the emotional distance is sufficiently guaranteed, he can maintain a certain degree of enduring loyalty.He may be involved in short-term social relationships with others, appearing and disappearing, and these short-term relationships are fragile, and any slight force will make him immediately withdraw. Heterosexual relations are to him what a bridge is to others.As long as the relationship is short and does not interfere with his life, he appreciates it; moreover, the relationship must be strictly limited to the time, place, and scope set aside for it.On the other hand, he may be extremely indifferent to this relationship, and he does not want any opposite sex to enter the "territory" he guards.Then, of course, he substitutes for a real relationship a relationship which is entirely imagined. All these particular manifestations which we have described arise in the course of analysis.Naturally, the self-isolating man is not pleased with the doctor's analysis, which is indeed arguably the greatest intrusion into his private life.But he was also interested in observing himself, and the doctor's analysis opened his eyes to the complicated struggles in his own heart, so he was fascinated by it.He may be curious about the vividness of his dreams, or bewildered by the appropriateness of his casual associations.He is as happy as a scientist finding a proof when he finds materials that can confirm his assumptions.He thanked the doctor for his efforts and hoped that the doctor would give him some pointers, but if the doctor "forced" or urged him to go to places he hadn't expected, it would arouse his disgust.He is always worried about the dangers brought by the hints in his analysis, but in fact, for people of his type, the danger is far less than that of the other two types, because he has already been "fully armed" against external influences.Instead of confirming the correctness of the analyst's insinuations, which would have been a reasonable means of self-defense; He must blindly reject any opinion, even though he is polite and considerate on the surface, and does not directly oppose it.He was especially disgusted that the doctor should ask him to make a change.Of course he wanted to get rid of those things that disturbed him, but not his personality.On the one hand, he is happy to observe himself, and on the other hand, he is unconsciously determined not to change.For a long time, the analyst was just a voice to him.Represented in the dream as two journalists making long-distance calls to each other from distant countries, it expresses the patient's motivation to keep himself out of the doctor's and his analytical work—to keep the analysis from touching him. A feature that can also be observed during the analysis as well as outside it is the patient's desperate defense of his isolation in the face of the doctor's onslaught.This phenomenon, of course, occurs in all neuroses.But the resistance of this type of patients is more persistent, almost becoming a life-and-death struggle, and the patients try every means to deal with the intervention.In fact, this rebellion was going on quietly but destructively long before self-isolation was actually threatened.Refusal to allow the doctor's analysis to intervene is only one aspect of the patient's intentions.If the analyst tries to convince the patient that he is related to the doctor and that there is a conflict going on in him, the patient's resistance is more subtle and subtle.At most the patient will show a little sympathy and reasonableness to the analyst.If the patient's unconscious produces a spontaneous emotional reaction, he will never allow it to develop further.In short, patients often harbor deep-seated resistance to the analysis of interpersonal relationships.The relationship between patients and others is generally very vague and ambiguous, and it is often difficult for doctors to come up with a clear impression.Such resistance from patients is understandable.He kept a safe distance from others, and the doctor's talk of his problems only shocked and disturbed him.When the doctor raises these questions many times, the patient openly suspects the doctor's motives.Is this analyst trying to make me fit in?This approach only arouses contempt from the patient.If later the doctor succeeds in making the patient aware of the drawbacks of solitude, the patient becomes terrified and irritable.He may be tempted to leave the doctor.Outside of the analysis process, his reactions were more intense.A person who is usually calm, gentle and reasonable may become rigid and indifferent in anger, or speak abusive words because he feels his loneliness and freedom are threatened.The patient becomes genuinely terrified at the thought of joining some activity or professional group, of being asked for action, not just for a dues.Even if he gets involved inadvertently, he will do anything to get himself out.Such a patient is more capable of discovering ways of escape than a person whose life is threatened.He not only defends his isolation with every means at his disposal, but also feels that any sacrifice for isolation is worth it.He abandons both external benefits and inner values; consciously, he eliminates any desire that might interfere with self-isolation; unconsciously, he automatically suppresses desire. Anything so fiercely defended must have a great subjective value.Only when we know this truth can we hope to understand the function of isolation and thus ultimately treat the patient.As we have seen, each of these basic attitudes toward others has its own positive value.In the approachable type, the patient tries to create for himself a friendly relationship with the outside world; in the antagonistic type, he arms himself for survival in a competitive world; in the avoidant type, he tries to gain A certain lofty and clear state of mind.In fact, these three attitudes are not only desirable but necessary for human development.They become obsessive, rigid, blind, and mutually exclusive only when they manifest themselves in neurosis.This undermines their inherent value to a large extent, but does not completely remove it. Self-isolation does have great benefits.Significantly, in all the philosophies of the Eastern world, solitude is seen as the necessary basis for attaining higher spiritual heights.Of course, we must not confuse this willingness with neurotic loneliness.In the former, isolation is a voluntary choice of people, and it is considered to be the best way to achieve self-improvement. Those who choose loneliness can choose a different life if they want to.In the latter, the situation is different, the neurotic conflict is not a matter of choice, but an inner compulsion, the patient's only way of life.However, it is equally possible to derive benefits from this, although the size of the benefits depends on the severity of the neurotic process as a whole.Notwithstanding the enormous destructive power of neuroses, it is possible for the self-isolated person to maintain a certain integrity.Of course, in a sincere society where interpersonal relationships are generally good, this quality is nothing; but in a society full of hypocrisy, cunning, jealousy, cruelty and greed, the weak can easily suffer because of their honesty, Keeping a distance from others is good for maintaining your own character.Also, since neuroses usually deprive the mind of peace of mind, self-isolation is such that it leads to inner peace and quiet; the greater the sacrifice, the greater the peace obtained.Moreover, provided the patient has not completely smothered his emotional life within the confines of his "magic circle," his self-isolation may lead him to produce original thoughts and feelings.In the end, all these factors, together with his viewing of the world and his relatively mild insanity, contribute to the development and expression of creative faculties, if he has them.I am not saying that neurotic isolation is a necessary prerequisite for creativity, but that self-isolation in the neurotic state affords the best opportunity for expressing the patient's latent creative faculties. Although these benefits should not be overlooked, they are not the main reason for the patient's stubborn defense against self-isolation.In fact, if for some reason the benefits are modest or overshadowed by accompanying disturbances, the patient will nonetheless be staunchly defensive about his solitude.This way of looking leads us deeper into the problem.If the lonely person is forced into contact with others, he is likely to have a mental breakdown, a nervous breakdown, in popular terms. The term "meltdown" covers a wide range of disorders: dysfunction, alcoholism, suicide, depression, incapacity to work, psychosis.The patient himself, and sometimes the psychiatrist, is prone to attribute the illness to an event that occurred just before the "breakdown."Admittedly, such things may be involved in the onset.Physicians should take them seriously and try to find out what ailments a particular event has induced in the patient.But this is not enough, because the question remains: why are patients so strongly affected?Why had his whole psychological balance been upset by a single event, which generally appeared to be nothing more than an ordinary setback and accident?In other words, it is not enough for the analyst to understand the form in which the patient reacts to a particular event; he must also understand why such a small cause has produced such a serious effect.To answer this question, we can point to the fact that, like other neurotic tendencies, self-isolation gives the patient a sense of security in so far as it is actually guaranteed and functional.Conversely, if the isolation tendency is blocked from functioning, the patient develops anxiety.When the patient can keep his distance from others, he feels relatively safe; but if for some reason his "magic circle" is trampled by others and trespasses, he feels threatened.In this way, we can better understand why patients panic when they cannot maintain an emotional distance from others.We might add that he was so frightened because he had no other way of coping with life.He can only be alone and avoid everyone.Here again, it is the negative nature of autism that makes this trend special and distinct from other types.Specifically, when faced with difficult situations, self-isolated patients can neither compromise nor fight;He is defenseless, like a trapped animal, with only one way of dealing with danger - to run and hide.This state fully explained his anxious attitude towards life.An understanding of this state also helps us to understand this truth: he uses solitude as a comprehensive means of self-defense, and he relies on this means to defend it at all costs.All types of neurotic tendencies are ultimately defensive, but with the exception of autism those tendencies are attempts by the patient to cope with life in affirmative ways.However, if isolation becomes the dominant tendency, the patient is completely incapable of really coping with the contradictions of life, so that autism becomes a mere defensive device. But there is a deeper explanation for the patient's resolute maintenance of loneliness.The threat of self-isolation, the fear of breaking down walls, is often more than a temporary fear.What it can produce: a split personality manifested as insanity.If during the course of the analysis the self-isolation begins to be broken, the patient not only feels vague apprehension, but manifests, directly or indirectly, palpable fear.For example, the patient's fear of being drowned in the ever-changing crowd is mainly the fear of losing his uniqueness.He is also afraid of being pitifully placed under the coercion and domination of aggressive people, a result of his defenselessness.He also had a third fear, the fear of insanity, the possibility of which seemed so great that he needed to be absolutely sure that it would not happen.His aberration wasn't madness, or a reaction to wanting to be irresponsible.It directly expresses a fear of a split personality, and is often found in dreams and associations.It means that, in order to give up his self-isolation, he must face his own conflict;This assertion has been confirmed by other observations.People with extreme self-isolation tendencies have an irrepressible aversion to talk of inner conflict.Later they would tell the analyst that they had no idea what he was talking about, what he meant by conflict.And once the doctor has really made them see the conflict raging inside them, they dodge the question in a way that is hardly noticeable, with unconscious cunning.If they are not mentally prepared, they suddenly and accidentally recognize the existence of a conflict, and they feel great horror.When they later arrive at an awareness of the conflict on a more secure basis, they show a greater tendency to isolate. Self-isolation is an integral part of the basic conflict, but it is also a means by which the patient defends himself against the conflict.Self-isolation is just the more active type that the patient uses to protect himself against the underlying conflict.Here we must reiterate one sentence: the predominance of one type of basic attitude does not prevent the existence and function of the other types.First, these several contradictory tendencies are often seen in the patient's life history.He tends to have a history of submissive attachment and aggression, often before he clearly manifests a tendency to self-isolate.The values ​​of the self-isolating person are also in contrast to those of the two types: those of the two types are clear and well-defined; his values ​​are full of contradictions.He has always valued highly what he regards as free and independent; but besides this, he may at some point in the analysis express an extreme appreciation for such qualities as kindness, sympathy, generosity, self-sacrifice; and At another time, he immediately advocated the philosophy of the jungle, believing in the law of the jungle and selfish life principles.He himself may have wondered at the contradictions, but he always tried to deny the conflicting nature of his tendencies by some sort of rationalization.If the analyst does not have a clear overview of the whole structure, he is easily puzzled by it.Doctors may pursue a course in this direction or that, but they will not go very far before hitting a wall, because patients are always taking refuge in self-isolation, closing all access to doctors, just like people shut off the waterproofing of ships. Compartment. In this special "resistance" of the lonely man, there is a complete and simple logic hidden: he does not want to have anything to do with the doctor, and he does not want to know himself as a human being.In fact he does not want to analyze his relations with other people at all.He is reluctant to face up to his conflict.If we understand his point of view, we will understand that he is not even concerned with the analysis of conflicting factors.His starting point is: he believes that he doesn't need to care about any relationship, as long as he keeps a safe distance from others, even if there is a relationship disorder, it has nothing to do with him.He was sure that even the conflicts the doctor had pointed out could and should be left alone, or else be looking for trouble;As mentioned earlier, this unconscious thinking is logically correct—at least within certain limits.What he neglects and always refuses to realize is that he cannot grow and develop in a vacuum. It follows that the most important function of the neurotic self-isolation is to render the main conflict ineffective.It is the most extreme and effective defense the patient has against conflict.As one of the many neurotic methods of creating artificial harmony, self-isolation attempts to resolve conflict by avoidance.But this is not a real solution, because the patient has not eliminated the obsessive longings for intimacy, domination, self-interest, fame, etc. which, if not paralyzing his mind, continue to trouble him.In the end, he can never achieve peace of mind or freedom as long as conflicting values ​​continue to exist.