Chapter 22 Loving father and strict mother

The spiritual distance between parents and children is often caused by parents being too close to their children.When parents allow their children to keep a distance from themselves, the children's hearts return to their parents instead. --author In our research, we found that the families of the "Microsoft kids" had a surprisingly consistent foundation: a loving father and a strict mother. When they recalled their parents, they said almost exactly the same words. Li Kaifu said: "My father basically doesn't care about me, but my mother is very strict with me. My mother gave me a very standard Chinese-style education. I have to recite every word well in the memorization. If I don't do well in the exam, I will be beaten. .”

Shen Xiangyang said: "Boys may be more influenced by their mothers than their fathers, at least I am like this. My father hardly speaks, and my mother is very strict with me. The deepest influence she gave me may be competitiveness. , must not lose the competitive spirit." As for Zhang Yaqin, he has no father at all in his memory, only his mother, and his mother's mother—his grandmother. We can't yet assume that the "Microsoft kid" was educated by his mother.But there is indeed evidence that many important people, when recalling their childhoods, believe that their mothers have far more influence on them than their fathers.Bill Gates is one of them, as are the most outstanding Chinese youths in Microsoft Asia Research Institute, Kai-fu Lee, Zhang Yaqin, Zhang Hongjiang and Shen Xiangyang.And those rising stars, Zhou Ming, Tong Xin, Chu Min, Zhang Bo, Liu Ce, all said almost exactly the same sentence: "I am more influenced by my mother."

And there's a striking consistency: the "Microsoft kids" all left home at a very young age.Li Kaifu is 11 years old, Zhang Yaqin is 12 years old, and Shen Xiangyang is 11 years old. This age is a turning point for a child from childhood to adolescence, and everyone begins to have a sense of autonomy at this age. The reason why "E-students" are called "autonomous" is precisely because people's self-awareness can grow up healthily. We compare "leaving home at a young age" with "a loving father and a strict mother", and we can find that the so-called "strict mother" here is only for the child's childhood.Once the children are a little older, they all terminate the image of the "strict mother" without exception, either allowing the children to leave themselves and fly away, or changing the strict discipline method to become loose or even laissez-faire.

The meaning in the middle is evocative. The close relationship between parents and children may give children encouragement, love, attention, and warmth, and it may also make them feel pressured, frustrated, and even bored and separated.Even if it is the same thing, it will cause completely different reactions in the child's heart at different times. But there are still some general rules to follow.Parents' care and discipline usually have a strong impact on children in childhood, and they will also leave good memories in children's hearts.But when most children enter adolescence, they will go through a stage of rebelling against their parents. This is a period when they demand "autonomy", and it is also what we often call "reverse psychology".At this time, the care, love and strict discipline that parents impose on their children are always counterproductive.

When we look at the parents around us, most of them were too pampered in their children's childhood, and they put too much pressure on their children in their teenage years. Under irresistible pressure, "self-awareness" may disappear, deform, or go astray. This is "rebellion" or even "rebellion".The result is that the closer parents are to their children, the more distant they feel. In the three cases of Lee Kai-fu, Zhang Yaqin and Shen Xiangyang, the situation is exactly the opposite.The mother's stern, meticulous, and direct control remains only in the son's childhood, and it all comes to an abrupt end when the boyhood is about to begin.The separation of mother and child allows mothers to show more of the kind, gentle, and caring side of maternal love.This made the son feel strongly, and even turned his mother's strict and domineering past into a good memory.

Those "Microsoft kids" who left home at a young age talked about their feelings back then. They all mentioned that they felt a sense of liberation, relaxation and freedom at first, but then they missed their parents.There are also some "Microsoft kids" who don't get the chance to leave their parents until they are adults, at which point they feel like they can't wait to go away.Many children have to find a school far away from home during the college entrance examination, because they feel that their parents follow their lives like a shadow, which is simply intolerable.

Strange to say, the spiritual distance between parents and children is often caused by parents being too close to their children.When parents allow their children to keep a distance from themselves, and even encourage them to go far away, the children's hearts return to their parents instead.They are separated from each other and cannot meet each other, but the farther the distance is, the more closeness between the two generations will be created. Chinese people like to compare themselves. When parents see colleagues in the workplace, they will think, I can’t compare with you, can my son not compare with your son?

——Shen Xiangyang Shen Xiangyang admitted frankly that his mother had high expectations of him, "It's the typical mentality of looking forward to success." He felt the pressure from that expectation.Therefore, when he was a child, "the happiest thing was that his mother went to work the night shift." Because no one at home took care of him, he also had a free night.After he had a son, he couldn't help but often ponder his son's thoughts and compare his heart with his heart, so he thought: "The psychology of children is the same. My children may be very happy to see that I am not at home."

But he still credits his family as a huge influence, recalling: The influence of your parents is not a sentence or two, nor is he loud and authoritative, but subtle and constantly influencing you.Don't look at me leaving home at such a young age, but no matter where I go later, some episodes will never be forgotten.At that time, my family lived at the bottom of the society, very poor.Of course, what is more important is identity.Except for the father, everyone in the family has a rural household registration.You can imagine how much reading a good book means to our family, that is to jump out of the countryside.I didn't have this awareness when I was young, but now, I really understand why my mother was so strict with me at that time.

People, you must understand that you have not lived for yourself to a large extent in your life. This is the hardest part of being a human being.You think, from childhood to adulthood, a person shoulders the hopes of his parents and teachers.No matter where I go to school, no matter how difficult the years are, there is a little bit of this belief in me, which makes me feel that I can't afford to lose. In the past, I couldn't afford to lose to the Chinese, but now I can't afford to lose to foreigners.This may not be a very good state of mind, but the problem is that with such an educational system and such an educational environment, this situation is very difficult to change.It is impossible for today's children not to be free from this kind of pressure. I believe their pressure is even greater, because it has formed a social norm, is deeply rooted, and is a kind of culture.For example, Chinese people like to compare themselves. When parents see colleagues in the workplace, they will think, I can’t compare with you, can my son not compare with your son?Maybe there is such an idea.

The role of parents is becoming more and more difficult these days.They ask themselves all day long: How can they prepare for their children's tomorrow?There are books teaching them how to raise their children everywhere on the street, there are more than a dozen kinds every week, and there are thousands of books every year, from the time when the child is not born until the child finally leaves them, from "Prenatal Education" to "High School Parents", all Yes, but they still feel confused and at a loss.This is because children's tomorrow can neither be predicted nor understood. We all know that 30 years ago, adults were the center of the family, unlike the last 20 years, when children became the center of the family.When children are young, their parents are driven by them to do this and that, and enjoy endless happiness from it.As children grow up day by day, parents gradually become negative images in their hearts, becoming the "my dad" they say lightly. Modern life is becoming more complex every day, and people are faced with a variety of choices—from career to partner, from the ringtone of the mobile phone to the style of the house, but we want to make our children exactly the same people: reading, Tests, grades, elementary school, high school, college, a good diploma by the education system, and a good job by social standards.Parents, teachers, experts, the media, and the whole society work together to construct an education system that is uniform, as Zhang Yizhao said, "a production line." This is the world's largest production assembly line, with a classic characteristic of industrialized society: standardization.If you look at the situation where parents and teachers have poured their hearts and souls into their children in the past 20 years, you may think of workers next to the assembly line taking care of their products.Products are flowing every day, and workers stare at them, repeating the same actions, installing the same components, completing the same procedures, and then testing according to the same standards.It was full of tense, monotonous, boring and restless torments. Finally, when the bell rang for the end of work, I took a long breath and looked at the fruits of labor in front of me and the assembly line behind me.The raw materials sent in are of all kinds, and after being shaped by their own hands, the products that come out are exactly the same. It is understandable that parents place too much expectation on their children.They have too many ideals in their lives that have not been realized, and they cannot do what they like, and they cannot stay with the people they like.Now, children are the continuation of the life of their parents.They hope to find their dreams back in their children.A child who is smart means that he is smart, a child who is happy means that he is happy, a child who scores 100 points in the test means that he has scored 100 points in the test, and a child who is admitted to university means that he has fulfilled his "college dream". In terms of the difference in life between two generations, no nation in the world is as huge as the Chinese.The new generation has no way of experiencing the life of the past, but they see the imprint of the past on their parents all the time.The kids who want to get ahead complain that their parents don't give them guidance, and the kids who go with the flow laugh at their parents' expectations of them. "There is not much difference between being a Lao Tzu in the world, there are no more than two types," said a first-year high school student: "One is working hard for fame and fortune, and the other is constantly striving for fame and fortune. They don’t even have any abilities, yet they place such shameless hopes on their own children.” The first thing 54% of children want to say to their parents is, "Don't keep asking me about my score." ——Quoted from Wu Biwen's "Senior Senior Parents" Even well-educated parents feel overwhelmed and restless in the face of their children, a feeling that intensifies as the child grows and culminates in the child's senior year of high school. In the face of their parents, even the most obedient children will feel depressed, dull and painful. This feeling becomes stronger and stronger as they grow up, and it will reach its peak in the third year of high school. What makes parents so restless?What makes children so depressed, dull and miserable?is what parents expect of their children. A survey conducted among senior high school students found that when these students walked into the house after school every day, the first sentence their parents said most was: "What score did you score in the exam today?" Wu Xinwen published another survey in her book "High School Parents": The first thing 54% of children want to say to their parents is: "Don't keep asking me about my score!" "Parents' expectations for their children are too high, which is one of the reasons why children fail." Wang Jian's wife, Xu Fen, said this firmly. She is a teacher at the Department of Psychology at Beijing Normal University and the mother of a child. On that day, the family of three sat together to discuss the parents' "expectations" for their children.Wang Jian used to be the director of the Department of Psychology of Zhejiang University, and is now the chief researcher of Microsoft Research Asia. He believes that "expectation value" can be studied as an important topic in educational psychology.In his view, the parents of the "Microsoft kid" are also parents with expectations, which is no different from other parents. "The difference is not whether there are expectations, but how to express them." Wang Jian said. What parents should say to their children Parents should not say to their children "Try it." "Don't..." "You are amazing" "Why are you so stupid!" "Are you happy today?" "How did you score today?" "What do you want me to do?" "I'm doing this for your own good." "I believe you." "You're talking nonsense!" "You must be better than me." "It's more difficult for you to do it than for me to do it myself." "You can do it." "You're not that material." "What do you like to do?" "What time is it, still playing!" "This is your own business." "As long as you study well, you don't have to worry about anything else." The content listed in the above table exists in the sporadic memories of these young people in Microsoft Research Asia.They thought their parents did most of this, and said it was what they expected of all parents.According to our research, if parents can really follow the list in this table and say the "should say" things in front of their children and avoid the "should not say" things, then their children will definitely be happier and more outstanding. My father later told me about the methods he used to educate his sister, and I thought, thank goodness he didn't use these methods on me, otherwise I might be disgusted. ——Lin Bin Is it better to be strict with children's education, or to be more relaxed?This question has always been debated.educator, heart Physicians, journalists, writers, and government officials in charge of education are all involved. Parents either follow their own wishes or are at a loss, but few people listen to their children's own ideas.In our subjects, both strict and loose "tutoring models" have had successful examples.At the same time, we also found: 1. There are 27 people, or 90%, who grew up in the "loose family education mode", and only three people have experienced the "strict family education mode", but these three people are the most outstanding——Li Kaifu, Zhang Yaqin and Shen Xiangyang. 2. The three cases of "strict parenting model" all occurred in the 1970s, and since the 1980s, there has not been a single case. 3. The protagonists of the three "strict parenting models" are all mothers, not fathers.Therefore, we specifically listed the phenomenon of "loving father and strict mother" in the front.But this is conditional, please see the following: 4. Three cases of "strict parenting model" are only applied in children's childhood.The three children all started to live independently before the age of 12, and they also broke away from the close discipline of the family. 5. The 30 people—whether they were raised in the "strict parenting model" or the "loose parenting model"—all said that they liked the relaxed environment in which they grew up.Those who already have children, all hate that kind of forced education, and declare that they will treat their children's education with a more relaxed, enlightened and peaceful attitude. We believe that every parent will have their own ideas. In fact, children have rich and colorful dispositions, and it is impossible to have a "one size fits all" education method.All we can suggest is that if you really want your child to have not only a good test score, but also a good character, good habits, good conduct, good mentality, and good mood, you must have less Give the child some coercion and give the child more space.Every child has a good seed in his heart, as long as others don't oppress it, it can grow into a beautiful tree. This idea resonated among our study subjects.One day, Lin Bin talked about his father's parenting method: "He raised my sister and me in a completely different way." That was all many years ago, but it is still a topic that the whole family likes to talk about today. And it never seems to fade. This is a typical intellectual family.My father is from Chaozhou, Guangdong, where there is a tradition of doing business, but my father doesn't like that, he likes to study.He went to Guangzhou to study at university, where he met his mother, who was a medical student and also studying at university.The two fell in love early, and then married early.But this does not prevent them from having high hopes for their children. Five years before Lin Bin was born, my sister was born.This is the first child in the family.The husband and wife regard each other as the apple of their eye.Dad is determined to make his daughter a success, and he has his own ideas on education, which he wants to verify on his daughter.His educational program started when his daughter was still in her infancy.He has very high demands on his daughter and is very strict. He spends a lot of time on her daughter. He doesn't seem to take his eyes off her for a moment. He is dedicated to his responsibility and spares no effort. He accompanies his daughter to school and seeks tutoring for every subject. teacher.When the teacher was lecturing, he stood by and listened to the teacher to see if he was doing well, while observing whether his daughter was learning well.The teacher left, but he was still with his daughter, watching her complete all the homework.From childhood to adulthood, the daughter "grew up completely under the guidance of my father. The methods of educating children imagined in my father's mind are all used by my sister." But her academic performance is always not among the best, which makes her father feel disappointed.This disappointment is not so much for her daughter, but for herself.He began to doubt his educational philosophy: spending so much time and energy, but did not get the desired results.Maybe there is really a problem with this kind of education method of staring at each other? The father admitted that his parenting methods were not successful, but he also had a son, and he decided to change course.This year Lin Bin also grew up and entered junior high school.Sure enough, the father stopped staring at his son.He sent his son to live on campus and stayed away six days a week.Even when he returned home, he no longer supervised his son's study, and even consciously did not ask about his son's test scores. "He doesn't treat me like my sister at all. He doesn't care about me at all. He is very lenient." The father's only instruction to his son is "protect your eyes."His son has been short-sighted since he was three years old, which made him anxious.So he asked his son not to read books all the time, but to go swimming and take part in table tennis training.He thinks that fast-moving little plastic ball is good for the eyes.It's a pity that he was disappointed again, and his son's eyes became more and more short-sighted. Although the son's eyes did not improve, his "loose education method" still worked, and the younger brother's academic performance was significantly better than that of the older sister.It is strange to say that once there is no external pressure, the seed in the child will grow.Lin Bin was ranked 12th in the class in the first semester of the first semester of junior high school, which made him very uncomfortable.He decided to work hard, and he succeeded. In the second semester, he came from behind.He became the squad leader and a sports committee member, but his father didn't know about it.For the next few years, Lin Bin kept his grades in the top five until he graduated from senior high school and was recommended to enter Sun Yat-Sen University without examination.A few years later, he went to Philadelphia, USA, and completed his master's degree in the Computer Department of DeLong University. Now when the family gets together, the father always talks about the way he raises his children.He is very satisfied with his son's growth, saying that he did not put much thought into it, but got great results.Of course, he is also satisfied with his daughter, but there is a fly in the ointment: if he treated his daughter the same way he treated his son later, then his daughter might be able to do better. When we talked with Lin Bin, we paid special attention to his own thoughts.At one point, the conversation turned to "should parents be stricter or looser with their children" and he said: Dad still took care of me, but he didn't impose his own ideas on me.I like my father's way of educating me, giving me space to develop myself.Maybe our family is a bit special, but I think there is a bit of inevitability in it.My father later told me about the methods he used to educate his sister, and I thought, fortunately, he didn’t use these methods on me, otherwise I might be disgusted: why force me to learn this?In fact, if you let me choose, I may also learn it. Our observation of this family is that "strict parenting" does not mean "compulsive parenting".In fact, these two There is a world of difference.Putting a child under pressure 24 hours a day, occupying all the time he used to find happiness in childhood (and even adolescence), and finally meeting the expectations of his parents-this is coercion; Societal norms, leaving plenty of room - it's strict. The underlying logic of "forced" is, "I am your mother", or "I am your father", so "you don't listen to me, who will you listen to".Being strict but not forcing means acknowledging the child's nature and respecting the child's interest, allowing the child to "get used to" a rule instead of "submitting" to a rule. In other words, the focus of the problem is not whether to be strict or loose, but whether to give children enough space, whether to let children choose some key issues, especially when children enter adolescence.We found that most parents are too indulgent in their children's early years, and they are extremely strict when their children are in middle school, and even have a strong color of compulsion.Their reasons seem to be very good: the child is going to be admitted to a "key high school", which is more important than entering a university.In fact, this is precisely the order reversed.Because we have not discovered so far that a child can grow up healthy and become an "E student" without his own space and interests. Here's a father's conundrum: What the hell is my child thinking? What exactly does my child want? Is my child happy when he wakes up every morning? Is my child willing to tell me what's on his mind? Why is my child always shutting himself in the house? Am I letting my kids do what I like, or am I letting my kids do what they like? When I'm with my child, do I make him like me, or do I make me like him? Every parent is worrying about their children, and every parent hopes that their children will grow up like they expect.In the past 20 years, our country has undergone tremendous changes, and many things have not been the same, but the image of a "good boy" in the minds of parents can be said to have changed the least: neither fat nor thin, both Smart and obedient.He was good at reciting ancient poems when he was young, and he was proficient in mathematics, physics and chemistry when he was young.I don't watch TV or read novels, but I must be able to play the piano, chess, calligraphy and painting.If you don't make friends, don't go to "Internet cafes", you have the concept of "ranking" in your mind, either "number one" or "strive to be number one".From key primary schools to key middle schools, and then either Tsinghua University or Peking University. But is all this the needs of the child or the needs of the parents?Children's wishes, problems, and needs are often expressed in an inadvertent situation.Are parents focusing their attention on the children's favorite things? June 23, 2003 was a Monday, and many parents in Shanghai walked into the office after spending an exhilarating weekend with their children and suddenly realized that they had no idea what their children were thinking. On this day, Wen Wei Po published a letter from a child, and the editor described it as "an elementary school student's troubles." The child's name is Huang Shijia, a third-grade student at Jianxiang Primary School in Xuhui District, Shanghai.According to her father, Huang Chongde, she "has good academic performance and learns easily." It seems that Huang Chongde is a father who is willing to understand his daughter, and he is often relieved that he is lenient with his children.But he never thought that "the daughter also has a lot of troubles." The father must have been touched, so he sent the "daughter's troubles" to the newspaper office. After reading the letter, the editor couldn't help sighing: "Many of us as parents and teachers often think a lot about our children, but we don't really understand what our children need." The daughter's troubles are written with a series of "I", and the unstoppable passion and desire are suppressed between the lines: I am a student.I am a child.I am a girl who likes to read books, draw pictures, and play computer games.I'm…… I just want to say: "I want to play, I want to watch, I want to draw!" I don't want to be at home all day.I don't want you to help me with counseling.I don't want to be that child who has no "strengths", I don't want to... I don't feel the pressure of studying, but I feel: I don't want to be the child who can't grow up, and I don't want to give me candy as soon as I arrive at my grandma's house. I want to be a little free, just a little bit.I want to use a little freedom to read books, watch TV, play computer games, draw pictures, go to the park... I don’t want to watch TV for half an hour, read English, and do math exercises after I finish my homework.I just want to watch my favorite cartoons, don't have to wait until six o'clock every night, just want to travel in fairy tales, just want to play enough computer games, just want to do what I like. I, not a robot, do everything according to the "program" designed by you.I want to go out to play when I have nothing to do on weekends. I don’t want to read English that I have memorized so well at home. Me, I want to go out to play, even if I am too brave and cause trouble, I will bear it. I, want to shout loudly: "Let you free my eyes, free my mouth, free my hands, free my feet, free my space, free..." I, facing the mountains, shouted: "Ai--it's bitter!" I only heard: "Ai--it's bitter! Ai--it's bitter!..." I spend 5 hours a day with my daughter, an hour in the morning and 4 hours in the evening. —Kevin Schofield Kevin Schofield is in charge of three departments in Microsoft Corporation. He majored in computer and education during his college studies. At the same time, he also has a strong interest in many issues outside of his major.Yet the strongest feeling Kevin gave us, It's him as a father figure - he has twin daughters.He even corrected one of our perceptions: when we thought of American men in the past, an image of irresponsibility for the family would always pop up in our minds, but Kevin’s sense of responsibility for his daughter surpassed any Chinese father we are familiar with.He spends 5 hours a day with his daughters, and his attention to his daughters is different from what we can imagine Chinese fathers. Q: I heard that you are very critical of the American education system? A: It's not entirely a criticism. The American education system has both good and bad points.One of the most important things in human society is to cultivate the next generation.But what are we teaching the next generation?This is not just a school problem, but also a question we should ask every day. For example, I have two daughters, and I have to ask, what should the school teach girls? Q: Do you have your own plans and expectations for your daughter's future? Answer: I don't have specific goals and plans, and I can't decide what my daughter should do.My daughters are very bright, I just hope their future jobs will use their brains more.If they can't do very intelligent work, they will be unhappy and bored.I don't force my daughter to do anything, but I encourage her to take more difficult subjects at school.I think it is important for a daughter to learn knowledge at school, but most importantly learn "how to learn".If they don't know how to learn new things quickly, it will be difficult for them to survive in the information society. Q: Can you tell me how old your daughter is? Answer: 12 years old (takes a wallet out of his pocket and takes out 6 pictures of his daughter).Look, here's a picture of them... Q: Twins? A: Yes, yes (laughs).You see, this is Elizabeth, and this is Alexander.This is a photo of them when they were one year old (laughs), this is a photo of them when they were five years old (laughs), and this is a recent photo (laughs). Q: How much time do you spend with them every day? A: About 5 hours.One hour in the morning and four hours in the evening.I make them breakfast every morning and have breakfast with them.Pick them up from school at night, make them dinner, and spend the night with them until they go to sleep.I think it's really important to spend some time with my daughter.Many studies have proved that family members spend more time together, which can make the family happier and happier. Q: Is this a common family way of life in the American West? A: I can't be sure because I haven't seen the statistics, maybe it depends on different regions. Q: You are a hardworking and happy father. A: Being a good father is very hard work.I work very hard.I don't know how to be a good father, but I will try to be a not bad father.Being a father is a great learning, for example, if you didn't like the things your parents did when you were a child, now that you are a father, you make up your mind not to do the same to your children.Sometimes you find that when you were a child you didn't like what your parents did, but now you have to do it to your children, so you can understand your parents more.You can avoid some of your parents' mistakes, but you may make new ones. Q: In America, and even around the world, people are talking about the American Dream.Everyone believes that a person is not afraid of being humble, as long as he works hard, he can change himself and rise to the top of this society.Do you think this dream is real? Answer: The so-called education is to place the hope of creating a society on the next generation.But in the next generation, there will still be some at the bottom and some at the top, the same distribution as now.Therefore, there are always some people who can realize this dream, and many people who cannot.In America, you're told that the "American Dream" is achievable for everyone, and if you don't, it's your fault.In England, people will tell you that everyone is born in a different class, if you are in the lower class, you should be happy, why go to the upper class?For example, if you live in a low-rise building and work in a factory for 8 hours a day, the rest of the time is your own.But if you are at a high level, this is not the case. You have to work overtime frequently, and the boss asks you to do a lot of extra things, otherwise you cannot develop.So being low class is also good because you don't have to think about a lot of things. Question: Those who have money have no time, and those who have time have no money? A: (laughs) This is a very interesting phenomenon.People say things differently in the US than in the UK, but you'll find the results are the same.There will always be classes, and people will always be doing different jobs.For China, this is also a big challenge. There must always be some people on top and others on the bottom. Q: So who should be on top?Who should be down there? A: (laughs) Let's go back to the essence of the problem. What education can do is to reproduce the society itself to the next generation.In America, there is an old saying: Power fades away, absolute power fades absolutely.Even if you put the best people on it, corrupt things will happen.So society is always changing, and you can't always win.