Chapter 2 Chapter 1 Is love an art?

Is love an art?If love is an art, it requires knowledge and effort.Or is love just an accidental, euphoric feeling that only the lucky ones can "fall" in love?This pamphlet is based on the first assumption, and most people undoubtedly believe in the second. But most of these people never think that love is unimportant, on the contrary they pursue love.They never get tired of watching sad and joyful love movies, and they never get tired of listening to all kinds of boring love songs.But none of them thought that people could ever learn to love. There are various reasons why they hold this particular attitude, which in turn reinforce it individually or in aggregate.Most people think that love is first and foremost a question of whether one can be loved, not whether one is capable of loving.So for them the question is: will I be loved?How can I be worthy of being loved?In order to achieve this goal, they have adopted various avenues.The method that men usually adopt is to gain fame and power as much as possible within the scope of their social status, while women make themselves attractive by maintaining their figure and clothing; I have gentle manners, amusing conversation, helpfulness, modesty and prudence.Many of the methods used to make oneself worthy of love are the same methods people use to succeed in society, namely, "to win friends and exert influence on others."In fact, what most of our society understands as "lovable" is nothing more than a mixture of two tendencies: winning and being attractive to the opposite sex.

A second reason for the notion that there is nothing to learn about love is that the problem of love is thought to be one of object rather than of capacity.They think that love itself is very simple, and the difficulty lies in finding the object of love or being loved.There are many reasons for this view, and the roots of these reasons are based on the development of modern society.One reason for this is the dramatic change in the choice of "love object" in the twentieth century.In many traditional cultures in the nineteenth century love was often not a spontaneous personal experience that eventually led to marriage.Marriage is mostly determined and carried out through the family of the man and woman, an introducer, or in the form of a treaty without a matchmaker.Marriage should be matched.As for love, people think that it will happen naturally after marriage.But in recent decades, the concept of romantic love has become generally accepted in the Western world.Although traditional forms are still visible in the United States, people are more looking for "romantic love," for personal experiences of love that lead to dialectics.This new mode of free love must greatly increase the importance of the object of love, rather than the role of love itself.

Closely related to this factor are the characteristics of contemporary culture.Our entire culture is based on the desire to buy and the idea of ​​a mutually beneficial exchange.The happiness of modern man is to look at the shop window and buy what he can afford with cash or installment payment.And vice versa. "Attractive" generally means that the person has many likable characteristics that are currently sought after in the demographic market.What makes a man attractive depends on the fashion of the moment, which refers not only to a man's physical condition but also to his spiritual temperament.Whereas in the twenties a woman who smoked, drank, was elusive and sexy was considered attractive, today a woman is expected to be domestic and discreet.Stimulating and ambitious men were attractive in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, but today men with a good heart are more popular. (In the final analysis, the emergence of love is often based on the premise of weighing the exchange value of the other party and myself.) If I want to make a deal, then I have to consider whether the other party is worth my pursuit from the perspective of social value, and also consider whether the other party is worth my pursuit. Based on my obvious strength and potential strength, will the other party take a fancy to me?Thus a man and a woman begin to fall in love when they feel that they have found the most suitable object that the market has to offer, taking into account their own exchange value.In this transaction, like buying land, the other party's promising potential also plays a big role.In a culture where commercialization predominates and where material success is valued above all else, there is virtually no reason to be surprised at the fact that love relationships between people also follow the same rules governing commodity and labor markets. Same basic principles.

A third error that arises from the belief that there is nothing to learn about love is that people do not understand the difference between "falling in love" and "lasting love."If we use the two English collocations of falling in love and being in love, we may be able to distinguish these two concepts more clearly.Two people who have been strangers to each other like us until now, when they suddenly decide to tear down the high wall that separates them, agree to each other, and merge into one, the moment when they are united becomes the happiest and most exciting moment. Heartfelt experience.This experience is all the more beautiful and miraculous for those lonely people who have not enjoyed love so far.The reason why this sudden miraculous intimacy between men and women is easy to happen is that same-sex attraction is closely related to sexual union or is caused precisely by it.But this type of love is by its very nature unlikely to last.Although the two men know each other well, the trust between them will lose more and more of its miraculous character, until the interval, disappointment, and boredom have blotted out any remaining charm.Of course, neither side thought of this at first.Here's the thing: People tend to see this ecstasy, madness as a sign of intense love, when in reality it just proves how lonely these men and women used to be.

There's nothing easier than love - a belief that, despite being proven wrong time and again, still holds sway.There is no other act or action that begins with such great promise and ends with such a proportionate failure as love.If it's anything else, people will try to find out why they failed, learn from it so they can fight again or quit forever.But since it is impossible for people to give up on love forever, there seems to be only one feasible way, and that is to overcome the frustration of love, to find the reason and to explore the meaning of love. The first step to take in this direction is: to realize that love is an art.To learn to love, one has to act like any other art—such as music, painting, woodworking, or medical arts and techniques.

What are the necessary steps to learn an art? Learning an art can be simply divided into two parts, one is to master the theory, and the other is to master the practice.People who study medicine must first understand the structure of the human body and the symptoms of various diseases.But theory alone is not enough to practice medicine.Only through long-term practical activities, until the theoretical knowledge and practical experience are integrated and become inspiration—that is, mastering the soul of art, can one become a master.To become a master, besides learning theory and practice, there is a third essential factor, that is, to regard becoming a master above all else, and this goal must occupy his whole body and mind.This applies to music, medicine, sculpture — and love as well.This may explain why in our society many people often suffer setbacks in love, but few people make efforts to learn the art of love.On the one hand, people long for love, but on the other hand, they value other things such as achievement, status, fame and power over love.Almost all our energies are devoted to trying to achieve these ends, but very little is devoted to learning the art of love.

Is it only worth the price for fame and fortune?And "love" - ​​only useful for the soul, useless love in the modern sense is just a luxury, a luxury that is not worth the price of people?Leaving aside conventional wisdom, in the following discussion I shall deal with the question of the art of love in two parts.I will first dedicate most of the space to the theoretical aspects of love and then I will discuss the practical aspects of love as I would in any other field. ----