Chapter 53 TECHNIQUE 47 Empathize

When listening to someone speak, we usually make "um" and "oh" sounds to let the other person know that we heard.In fact, the habit is so pervasive that many people don't even realize it when they say it.My friend Phil is the standard "uh oh" kind of guy.Every time as long as I speak, he can't restrain himself from "uh oh".Sometimes, if I think he's reacting too much, I'll put him to the test on purpose, "Okay, Phil, what did I just say?" "Uh, this, ah..." Phil didn't listen at all, and it wasn't his fault.Men especially have this habit of "uh oh" coping without actually listening.Once, I was talking to myself about some common topic, and Phil answered like a song.In order to test his level of concentration, I suddenly interjected, "Yes, I want to go out to get a tattoo this afternoon, so I can fully understand the context."

Phil nodded, still saying the habitual "um". Some people will retort that it is better to know "uh oh" than to stare blankly, right?True, but a master communicator would never choose this approach.Try it out and replace the unconscious "uh oh" with words of deep empathy. Don't be a casual "uh oh" teenager.Speak in full sentences to show someone that you really understand.Add some "I see what you mean" or "It's funny you say that" to the dialogue from time to time.Your empathy will impress the other person and encourage them to keep talking.

Of course, everything has a price.You have to listen carefully to use the right words to express your empathy. What are the sympathetic words? They are actually short sentences expressing agreement, and unlike "um", they are complete sentences.For example, "I understand your decision" or "That's exciting"; it could also be a positive comment: "Yeah, you did a great job" or "Glad you feel that way." If you can get rid of the habit of "uh oh" and answer the other party with complete sentences, people will not only think that your eloquence is very good, but also that you really understand what they say.

Now, let's dig into this technique a little bit more, and look at the more sophisticated version of empathy.