Chapter 19 16 Requiem

When I opened the door, I found an old man with a cane standing outside.I looked back at my partner with a little surprise, and let the old man in. After making him sit down, his partner handed over the water glass: "You are..." The old man took the water glass and looked around: "You guys, can you solve psychological problems?" The partner had a polite smile on his face: "That depends on the situation." The old man's tone seemed a little arrogant: "That means it's not necessarily true?" Partner: "You're right." "Oh..." The old man nodded, raised his head after pondering for a while, "What if I just want to chat with you? Do you accept it?"

The partner's words are rather euphemistic: "I'm sorry, I'm afraid that will disappoint you, we are a typical private for-profit organization." The old man thought for a while: "Okay." Then, he took out a huge wallet from his arms, then counted some money from a thick stack, and put them on the table next to him, "I don't like it very much." Credit cards, or are you used to carrying cash... Are these enough? I won't take up much of your time, two hours, can this money allow you to chat with me for two hours in this boring afternoon?" The partner didn't collect the money as quickly as I imagined, but frowned: "We won't collect the money until we are sure that you are sane and your mind is normal."

The old man laughed. The partner looked at him calmly and smiled. The old man wiped the corner of his eyes: "Young man, you are very interesting." Partner: "Thank you." Old man: "Well, the money is there, and I don't need a receipt. When I go, it will still be there, for your disposal. Now for my problem." Partner: "Please speak." The old man: "I know I won't live long. The reason why I came to you is because I found out that everything I have done for so many years is wrong." The partner hesitated for a moment: "Uh...why you...don't you go to the monk or priest to ask for pardon?"

The old man smiled and shook his head: "Many people who claim to serve God actually have no faith in their hearts..." Partner: "However, if you come to us because of this, don't you think your behavior itself is more like performance art with a critical religious nature?" The old man looked at his partner and sighed: "Let me start from the beginning. For the sake of money, please forgive an old guy for nagging." The partner nods. The old man supported his cane with both hands, squinted his eyes, and raised his head, as if he was recalling: "In sum, I have been a doctor for more than 50 years. You may pay more attention to mental activities and spiritual strength, but for me, human It's just people, a bunch of self-righteous walking dead, nothing special. I can't remember how many operating tables I have stood on, how many operations I have had, and how many patients I have faced. I can't remember since when Since then, I am no longer afraid of the appearance of skin being cut and subcutaneous fat turned up, and I am no longer afraid of those abnormally shaped diseased tissues. I just vaguely remember that when I was a teenager, I was no longer afraid of these things. Said Wake up, I've probably seen more blood in my life than I've ever drank, so I'm so numb to that that I'll be thinking about my dinner the day before during surgery. Do you know what that means? This It means that I no longer have a sense of awe for human life. This view has even been solidified in my bone marrow, and I can tell anyone this view without thinking about it. After all these years, this is how I have come here."

Partner: "Are you a doctor?" The old man corrected him: "It used to be, vascular surgery." Partner: "Oh..." The old man: "In my opinion, cutting a human body is similar to cutting a piece of meat when you cook. The only difference is that the feeling of a living person is slightly elastic. Do you know what I'm talking about?" Partner: "You mean you're used to this?" The old man shook his head: "Of course you don't know what I'm talking about. What I mean is that when a person starts to disrespect life, he will trade life as a commodity-especially in my business. In When joking with my colleagues, I often refer to the operating room as a 'slaughterhouse'. For a while, I would weigh the various diseased tissues removed during the operation on the weighing pan, and then turned to the nurse and asked:' How many catties do you want?'"

Partner: "It sounds like you've... privately received money from patients?" The old man laughed: "Accepted? Young man, I have accepted too much, so much that I can't even remember how many. You know, I am the best in this industry, and my photos have passed all major Medical Journal. When I was still holding the lancet and the hemostat, my appearance fee was so high that you can’t imagine. When I couldn’t hold the knife, I just stood by the operating table to guide the price. Stunning...yes, don't have that questioning expression, I'm not wrong, I'm talking about the appearance fee. Under the shadowless lights, I'm a star."

The partner still has no expression: "This is not something to be proud of." The old man was stunned for a moment, and I saw a flash of anger on his face, and then he turned calm again: "You are right, this is not something to be proud of. But you should be lucky, if you said to me a few years ago In this sentence, I will use my connections to get you out of this business. Although we are not strictly peers, I am sure I can do it." Partner: "Are you threatening me?" The old man looked at his partner carefully for a while: "No, young man, I won't do that kind of thing again, forgive what I just said. Let me continue with the previous topic."

My partner nodded, and didn't take advantage of the victory to pursue - I breathed a sigh of relief. Old man: "Do you know what made me discover my own problems, and then shake my previous cognition?" Partner: "Isn't it a dream?" Old man: "You guessed it right." Partner: "That was just a dream." The old man: "That's not a dream. If the dream has a serious impact on mental activities, then there is no difference between the dream and the reality. So the dream is not a dream." The partner pressed his thumb to his lips and said nothing more.

The old man: "However, you only guessed half right." He paused for a few seconds, as if mustering up the courage to say, "When I woke up one day, I realized that my dream and reality were mixed together gone." Partner: "Confused? How to explain?" The old man: "When I was awake, I saw those demons that appeared in my dream." Partner: "Are you hallucinating?" Old man: "You think I'm hallucinating because of a neurological problem? You can think so, but I know it's not an hallucination." "From a medical point of view," the partner acted extremely calm and objective at this time, "the reason why it is called 'illusion' is because the patient can't clearly distinguish the difference between it and the real thing, but they can't prove it."

Old man: "I know you won't believe it, but to me, it doesn't matter. Believe me, it doesn't matter at all." Partner: "If you say..." The old man interrupted him: "Let me go on? It's the same sentence, for the sake of money, let me go on?" Partner: "OK, you have the final say." The old man smiled slightly: "Very well, I knew that money would make people submit, even though your door is very clean." Partner: "Yes, we clean often." The old man shook his head: "You don't understand what I'm talking about. Before coming here, I've been to several so-called psychiatric clinics, but when I saw those disgusting little things gathering at their door, I knew that the inside Guys are the same as me. After checking a few times, I won't waste my time. Know why I knock on your door? Because your door is clean, no disgusting stuff, so I decided to come in and take a look."

Partner: "The 'disgusting little thing' you're referring to is..." Old man: "Yes, I'm talking about the smallest demons. They are bigger than mice, with long tails, a pair of pointed ears that are almost as long as their bodies, and greed and ferocity in their green eyes." ...they hide in the dark and make a 'creak' sound with hundreds of tiny teeth, and I don't know what they're saying, but their murmurs are everywhere." The partner frowned tightly: "Did you see it with your own eyes?" The old man raised his head and stared at his partner with a half-smile: "Do you think I'm scaring you? Young man, I've already passed the age of mischief. You can't understand, those things have been with me for many years—in dreams. " Partner: "Did you dream about this a long time ago?" Old man: "Yes, but at that time they only appeared in dreams and did not exist in reality, so I didn't care at all. However, when my dreams and reality were confused, I began to believe that there are gods and demons in this world. , and things we can't name. They're all over the place." The partner watched him silently. Elderly: "When I woke up that morning and saw them squatting in front of my bed, you can't imagine how shocked I was, because it overturned all my cognition and obliterated all my experience. My age Let me not be afraid of the things in front of me, but when those big and small ghosts point at me and whisper to each other, I understand what fear is." The partner nodded thoughtfully: "Yes...fear..." The old man's eyes were blurred for a while before he came back to his senses: "Let me ask you, if you neglect your own soul for too long and don't discover it until you are about to die, what will you worry about the most?" After thinking for a while, the partner shook his head. The old man closed his eyes: "One day, my life will come to an end, but I have nowhere to rest my soul." Partner: "Well... so..." The old man: "It was only in the past few years that I realized how terrible it is to have no faith. I used to believe in nothing, I only believed in the lancet and the hemostat in my hand. When I looked at the blood, skin, and muscle , a stripped eyeball, a beating heart, I never realized what it represented. Although for a while, every time I stood by the operating table, I would deliberately look for those we call ' Souls' or spiritual things. But I haven't found them, and I haven't found a hint that they ever existed. Is the brain mysterious? It doesn't seem mysterious to me at all, just a big gray and white thing , wrapped in a network of blood vessels, it doesn't even look tasty." Partner: "Yes, I know that." The old man: "So, I don't believe in the soul. I don't have a little reverence for belief, but I have a little contempt for it-it's just something made up by some people and used to deceive others. Gods, demons, all Doesn't exist, or rather, they exist only between the lines, only on the screen and in the imagination." Partner: "Until you see it for yourself one morning." Old man: "Although I don't like your tone, you're right. I would say, though, young man, that's not what shocked me the most." Partner: "So, what is it?" The old man straightened his curved back, took a deep breath, paused for a while, and then returned to the original posture of holding the cane: "I am not surprised when I see demons often gathering around me. When I see I was still not surprised when more demons gathered around my original colleagues, because they did what I did, and we all deserved it. But when I saw those ugly creatures around my son I was terrified at the time. Because I taught him everything he did. I told him that he wanted to become a doctor, because it paid a lot of money and would be respected. I also told him that life is just blood pressure, weak nerves, Just reflexes, memories, no soul at all, no heaven, no hell; I told him that living better is all that matters, that a clear conscience and nobility are just folly; I told him that faith is a form of boredom It can only bind us, but we will not gain wealth. I have said it for so many years and so many times, and he has firmly believed in it. But at this time, I realized that I was wrong Yes. Do you have children? If you don’t, you can’t understand how terrible it is. I watched my son, a middle-aged man older than you, describe the things I taught him with ease. Dirty tricks, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, there's nothing I can do but sigh." Partner: "Didn't you try to overturn what you told him?" The old man laughed mockingly: "Do you think it is possible? You want me to overthrow those things that I once regarded as the way of life? Over the years, I have turned everything upside down to show my son, let him see Decades, do you think he can understand now that I tell him how I feel again? No, he can’t listen anymore, he is no different from me back then. I look at him, just look at him, It's like looking at myself back then...Sometimes I think, if my hands don't tremble, I will use my trusty lancet to gently cut the artery in his neck, that's it." , He raised his hand and made a throat-cutting movement, "Just one moment, he will be relieved. In this way, my son will not come to the point where I am now; in this way, my son will die without any guilt .” Partner: "You'd better stop thinking about it, it's a crime!" The old man smiled distortedly: "That's right, this is what I want. I killed him, so I will bear his past crimes. If I can really do it." Partner: "Do you...do you want more water?" The partner saw that the old man in front of him was emotionally unstable and seemed to be on the verge of collapse, so he deliberately changed the subject. The old man shook his head: "No, no need." He slowly calmed down, "At the beginning, I could only see demons. Sometimes I even thought: Maybe there are only demons in this world. Well, then I feel at ease." Partner: "You mean, you want everyone to go to hell?" The old man raised a finger, squinted his eyes and looked at his partner: "What if, what if there is only hell in this world?" The partner smiled: "So, you succumbed to the devil because of this?" The old man was stunned for a moment: "Uh... I really haven't thought about this... Well, what you said makes sense. But, how many people can persevere in the face of temptation? Can you do it?" The partner stroked his thumb back and forth on his lips: "I don't know, because I haven't tried it." Old man: "So you can say big things easily, right, young man?" The partner thought for a while: "Maybe what you said is right, but you have to admit that even if gods or demons have boundless magic power, they cannot directly manipulate people, because people have free will. Gods warn people, and demons do things to people." Temptation. One has a choice as to how to do it. I don't know if you catch me. I mean, the choice, you have the choice." Old man: "Are you blaming me?" Partner: "No, I have no right to blame you, that's your choice." Old man: "So?" Partner: "So you have to live with the consequences of your choices. Same for everyone." The old man nodded: "Well, I understand, you are saying in your heart: 'Old guy, you deserve it!', right?" The partner remained calm and composed: "I haven't thought about it that way. Although the meaning is the same, I really don't have such extreme emotions towards you." The old man raised his head and took a deep breath, and then recovered his calm expression: "Well, maybe you are right, I don't want to argue with you about this matter anymore, I'd better continue talking. What I want to say I have seen angels." Partner: "Are you referring to someone?" The old man looked at his partner in confusion for a while, and then made a look of sudden realization: "Ah! You don't believe what I said, you still don't believe that I saw the devil living with us, right? So you Think that's actually me exaggerating, right? No no, I'm not, believe me I'm not exaggerating, I'm telling the truth. Of course, in your opinion, I'm crazy shit Old man, I have severe hallucinations and auditory hallucinations. The only reliable thing is to pay. As for what I said, you haven’t even listened carefully. Are you wondering when this old thing will get out? Is the money he gave real? Let me tell you, I actually saw an angel, she could fly, she flew over the crowd, over everyone's head. Do you know what it's like when an angel flies over your head? Have you ever been there : I suddenly feel warm, full of courage and strength for no reason? Do you know why? Because when the angel flies by, you can hear her requiem - that's why you suddenly have hope and hope for no reason. Courage, but also experience peace and serenity, as if the light of heaven enveloped you." He put his hands on his chest, with an intoxicated look on his face. The partner didn't answer, but glanced at me.From his face, I can't see any emotion. The old man opened his eyes after being intoxicated for a while: "Do you know how you feel when demons are hovering around you? For no reason, you will shudder and your scalp is numb, as if something terrifying is staring at you , the hairs all over your body will stand on end because of this." He paused, looked around nervously, and then slowly recovered from his panic, "That kind of time is when the devil is hovering around you. Of course, Maybe it just passed by and looked at you. If you have enough things to attract it, it will never leave again, and it will always follow you, like a shadow. It will whisper in your ear from time to time, even if you can't see it , you can still hear the sound of sharp teeth grinding out of nowhere. That's it." Partner: "You, can you often hear it?" The old man looked at his partner and nodded: "Every day." Partner: "What about when you hear the Requiem?" The old man sighed deeply: "Only once." Partner: "Isn't that what you just said about 'Nowhere to Requiem'?" Old man: "Yes, you are right. Since I saw it once, I look up at the sky almost every day, hoping to see the angel fly by again. I want her to stop and say something to her .And I think, I used to be unable to see angels, but now I can see them because of my sincere repentance. Maybe I can still be saved.” Partner: "I want to ask you a question, can I?" It took the old man a long time to come back to his senses: "Question? Well, you can ask." Partner: "Over the years of practicing medicine, have you ever been desperate for help?" Obviously, this sentence was a great blow to the old man. For a few seconds, it could be described as panic: "Uh... what do you mean? Maybe there was." Partner: "Because I don't have enough money? Or I don't have enough respect for you? Or is it some other reason?" The old man: "But, I have saved people!" Partner: "That's the career you chose in the first place, and this career is like this. But if it's what you said, why are you upset? I think the reason for the uneasiness is because you know exactly what you have violated. Bar?" The old man stared at his partner with resentment: "This is your problem?" The partner nods. The old man: "So what? Would you be selfless and free of charge for diagnosis and treatment?" Partner: "But I won't make threats because of it." The old man: "Are you sure you have the right to question me? Don't stand on the commanding heights of morality and talk big! In my opinion, you are just a brat!" The partner's tone was calm and indifferent: "What if the purpose of my saying this is to make you confess?" The old man glared: "You? You don't have the qualifications!" The partner shrugged: "That's the problem. You can confess to everyone, no matter who he is, if you want, but you've missed this opportunity countless times, right? Including now." The old man said nothing, just stared at his partner. The partner didn't avert his gaze: "Look, you're old enough to come here and talk, and you're paid for it, but so far, all I've heard is two words: fear. Not a hint of remorse , and not even the slightest bit of guilt. You feel uneasy about what you have done, but that is only because you understand what the price is, and your fear comes from it." Speaking of this, he sighed, "For now For me, I can’t tell you clearly whether it’s an illusion or not. But I think you have summed up one thing very well—dreams and reality are mixed together. At this time, there is no way out. As for Heaven or hell, I don't know if they exist, but I'd rather they do." The old man stood up: "Aren't you afraid that I will use my contacts to get you out of this business?" The partner smiled: "Violence and cruelty are the behaviors I despise the most, because they must be weak. But even so, I will give you my personal view on this matter from a professional point of view." The old man snorted coldly through his nose. Partner: "I don't think you're going to hell." The old man was stunned, and looked up at his partner: "Why?" Partner: "Why should you worry about going to hell? You're already there." After the old man left, neither of us spoke, each doing our own thing. As the evening approached, I asked my partner, "If you were forced to quit this business, what would you choose to do?" The partner didn't look up: "It's related to this business." Why do I?" Partner: "Because it pays a lot." I couldn't help laughing: "Is that the reason? Because of money? Are you not afraid of falling?" The partner put down the book and raised his head: "No, because I did hear the angel's requiem."